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Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.
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| Summary |
The Monday Thoughts section is a collection of humorous quotes-- some original, some found across the web that have been assembled together for your viewing enjoyment. The quotes are ordered in top to bottom from newest to oldest.
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| Monday Thoughts |
Monday Thoughts: Where the useless have a home.
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait...I guess that's like a regular window.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something...
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
I go over to a psychologist, and he says, "What does this inkblot look like to you?" I said, "Oh, it's kind of embarrassing." He said, "Everyone sees something, so don't be embarrassed. Tell me what the inkblot looks like to you." I said, "Well, to me it looks like standard pattern #3 in the Rorschach series to test obsessive compulsiveness." And he gets kind of depressed. I said, "Okay, it's a butterfly." And he cheers up. He said, "What does this inkblot look like?" I said, "It looks like a horrible ugly blob of pure evil that sucks the souls of man into a vortex of sin and degradation." He said, "No, um, the inkblot's over there. That's a photo of my wife you're looking at." "Oh," I said, "was I far off?" He said, "No. That's the sad part."
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes froze the end of my nose.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?
Saying that Macintosh is equal to XP is like finding a potato that looks like Jesus and believing you've witnessed the second coming.
Thank you for calling Adventures in Telephoning Unlimited. If you wish to leave a message for Bill, please press 1. If you wish to leave a message for Tony, please press 2. If it's Marty you're calling, please press 3. If none of these names make any sense to you, you've probably called the wrong number. In that case, please press 4 and leave a message for Nick, he's feeling ignored.
Good generally conquers evil. Unless, of course, good is stupid.
Humpy Dumpty was pushed.
A typical class in high school: show up, get rid of homework, get new homework, leave.
Life's short and hard, kinda like a bodybuilding elf.
This answering machine has been connected to a 5,000 volt power supply that has been wired to this small kitten (pathetic mewing heard in background). If you don't leave a message, Fluffy here gets it. The choice is yours.
This is the earth. And this is Pinky. You can tell the difference quiet easily. One is a lump of inert matter hurtling blinding through the void. The other...is the earth.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.
I had a friend once. Then the rope broke and he got away.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
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