this is what bordom does to you.............
i'm so bored. i should go to my bed because i have to work tomorrow and its 1:41 in the AM. even though i dont need to work till tomorrow night if im knackered during the day then i'll be dead by the time i finish work.
why does life pretty much work out alright for everyone but me? does the world have something against me? i know im not the worst off in the world but no-one can look at my life and say its good. i work part time in a chinese takeaway, i go and stay at my ex boyfriends house each weekend while i work and it is slowly killing me, i have no close friends whom i speak to or have contact with regularly.....need i go on?
jeez, i certainly know how to depress myself. sometimes i feel ok, and i think to myself 'hey, im ok. no need to go to the doctor for nasty pills' then i sit and think (always a bad idea) for a while and i really get down. sometimes it scares me and i worry what i might do. i dont want to hurt myself or someone else. and i dont really think i will, but you never know what might happen. scary.
i just want to be happy. like all the time, not at select times when im pretending everything is ok, and im alright about not being with neil anymore. i mean, i am alright about it. i have to be. me being depressed and crying all the time isnt going to change anything, though it is hard not to cry sometimes.
do you want to know whats really hard? maybe one of the hardest things? smelling him. you dont realise people smell until you lie next to someone and it just feels so familiar. the smell of his breath when he talks to me or breaths. the smell of his skin when we lie and watch TV together. sometimes i hate the familiarity of him because its going to be hard to get rid of. his laugh, the way he giggles and looks mischevous when hes up to no good, the way his eyes light up when he sees his kids, the way he goes all shy and bashful when he does something nice, even if its just making me a bit of toast without me asking. god, i dont think i'll ever find anyone like him. to be honest i hope i dont. he is the best person i have ever met, and i want it to stay that way.
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