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The Falcon Flies Again

Just a few months ago it seemed like creating a Falcon emulator was an impossible task. Now every man and his dog is seems to be making one. The Cafe Fuji team brings you an up to date list on the status of all Falcon emulators currently in development :

MaxxFalc Maxx Out/E.K.O + Niko (logos) Accuracte memory test emulation in start up screen Memory test emulation not yet implemented
Falcon-Hell The Respectables Emulates all possible falcon crashes Bombs out before desktop can be seen
Centurb030 Rudolphe Czuba Hardware falcon emulator PCB diagrams are drawn, no hardware yet made
Tos505 Checkpoint Fast emu written in 100% PC assembly language! Bugged - but 100% PC assembly language code impossible to debug
Virtua Falcon Jeff Minter Complete Falcon emulation in the form of a virtual light machine for nuon-computer Waiting for VM labs to make nuon-computer.
Fast Falc Felice Complete Falcon emulator written in HTML - will work on any browser! Hasn't learnt HTML yet.

Café Fuji Reader Survey

As is well known, the Café Fuji mission statement is "to serve others with honour and cheap groceries". We pride ourselves on being the Number One People Company.

To fulfil these ambitions, we have polled our regular customers to find out exactly why they chose to visit our humble establishment.

So what are you, the public, looking for?

According to our ISP, these are the phrases most used by search engines to visit our site.

1. Bathsex
This was the landslide winner, beating the second place entry by more than 2 to 1.
We made an obscure reference to it in a story about Error In Line, and since then we have been awash with bathsex fetishists, they have quite literally been flooding the site. If you are one of the followers of this particular activity, here's something for you: "Cold Tap" - bet that has got you a bit hot under the collar.

2. Sophie Ellis Bexter
You know. Her. Was on that record with that lanky bloke. Blue Peter connections.

3. Infogrammes
They own atari, and soon, if Nostradamus is to be believed, they will own the world. Our favourite related search phrase of recent time was for "infogrammes crappy games". Bet that overloaded the search engines.

4. Bruno Bonnel
Le slap-tete gaming industry boss proves himself to be France's most popular export since snail sandwiches.

5. Wanking
Admittedly, here at Café Fuji we have turned this into something of an artform, so it is not surprising that people seek our advice. Also popular : "wanking machine, how to make a"

6. Showering Girls
Girls & Showers - always a popular combination. If we could bottle it up and sell it, we would make a fortune. Have to be pretty large bottles though.

7. Atari
Pretty unpopular with the public at large. And who can blame them?

8. Weird Shit
They all come here. Searchers for "princess di upskirt", "penis enlargers", "fat polish women". We don't know why. We don't really encourage them. But they keep themselves to themselves and seem reasonably well behaved, so we just let them get on with it.

And the moral to this story? The shadowy financial "geniuses" behind the Café Fuji empire are always pushing us for "higher ratings", "more hits" and to "make your site stickier so we can maximise advertising revenue."

In order to appease 'the man', we are going to making the following changes to the site:

  • Bathsex bonanza with live plughole-cam feeds
  • Weekly showing girls gallery featuring "celebrities in the shower"
  • Bruno Bonnel wanking over a mountainous pile of crappy infogrammes games
  • Ditching unprofitable atari related material
There may be a recession on the way, but we are going be damn sure that we miss it.

See you in the shower.

DHS CompoDemo Previewed

Here at Cafe Fuji we are lucky enough to get our hands on a preview copy of the forthcoming DHS compo megademo.

Father of Sven-Goran, Anders "Evil" Eriksson, talks us through this revolutionary production.

"We announced this competition some months again and in that time we have been inundated with entries. It has been more popular than we could ever believe!"

So how many screens have they got?

"Um, we have 3 so far. But it's not quantity, but kwality that counts. And believe me, we have kwality, with a capital 'K'. The only problem is the chip-music."

Why so?

"Unfortunately this currently lasts a lot longer than all the effects put together. We are having to write a lot for the end scrolltext to compensate."


1. Intro Picture

2. Tunnel Effect

3. Credits

A Postcard From France

Summer is here - we can tell, our sales of swedish I.C.E. cream are through the roof. Whilst we are scrubbing pans in the kitchens of Cafe Fuji, our friends and colleagues are sunning themselves in exotic locations around the globe, like Cornwall. Not a day seems to pass without someone dropping in to regale us with tales of holiday excess.

This morning, postie Matt Simpson dropped off the usual bundle of bills, junk mail and letters of complaint. Amongst the pile was this charming little postcard from everyone's favourite bald atari supremo:

How Did You Get Your Atari NickName?

The world of investigative journalism was buzzing yesterday when ST Survivor from Alive! magazine announced he would be running a series of features revealing the truth between the shadowy and mysterious nicknames of atari sceners.

"I want to get a handle on their handles" declared STS

Here at Café Fuji we don't like to be seen as behind the times (or original) so we have started doing some of our own "jounalising".


Swedish coder Nils Olov Mikael Degerfält is better known to the patrons of the atari scene as Blind IO. Amongst his productions are the "Flummer Dummer" Whip! Module and the "X-Biomas" christmas demo.

Our mission - discover the 'secret' behind the mysterious nick name. We sent the swedish division of Café Fuji off on a fact finding tour.


Our quest took us to the swedish coastal town of Skellefteå. Whilst mining for information, we stumbled across Sweden's only goldmine. There was a long dark tunnel surrounded with shimmering bits - a bit like a DHS demo.

Next we visited the Bjuröklubb Nature Reserve where we saw the remains of settlers from the Iron Ages ( No Crew ).

Still no wiser than when we set off, we stumbled on what surely must be the key to it all, Lilleputtlandet "a paradise for children". Here we enjoyed trampolining, pony-riding, gold panning and even visited the children's zoo ( caging infants is still legal in scandanavia ). But these toddlers weren't talking, at least not to us.

An evening at the Nordanå Culture Center beckoned, with a fine meal in our bellies we took the outdoor dancefloor and drowned ourselves in färsköl ( swedish beer ). Fuelled by the alchol, we took home a moose with the inention of grilling her about Nils Degerfält. Unfortunately, as we sobered up we realised we had actually got a *real* moose. Still, at least she was horny.

Our geographical based investigation had drawn a blank, so time to localise and examine the man himself. Here were the Mr. Degerfält facts:

  • taurean
  • non-smoker
  • likes discworld novels and "listening to music"
  • Swedish

We were stumped. There seemed to be no logical connection between Nils Degerfält and the name Blind_IO. Tired, perplexed and slightly sore, we headed home safe in the knowledge that this was one mystery that even Mulder & Scully couldn't solve.


DHS Launch Multi-Part Tunnel Compo
Internet Kings, Dead Hacker Society, have created a new demo compo designed to give the slumbering atari demo scene a rousing kick to the love-plums.

DHS weeble worrier Evil explains:

"Remember The Union demos? When demo crews from across the world and synergised to create the best ever demo featuring an orange elephant faced man? We are ressurecting the spirit of The Union, but we want to bring it into the noughties with the freshest and most brainblasting effects."

Quality is the issue here.

"We want to get the most talented demo crews together to make the best screens for this production. And to facilitate this, we are supplying them with most of the code they will need. We want compatibility over as many atari machines as possible, and we don't want people messing around with the hardware and creating cool and innovative new effects that might show us up!"

"It is very simple for crews to make screens for our demo - they just have to call these library functions that we supply: tunnel_begin, tunnel_render and tunnel_end. They are free to do whatever they want in their screen - the only limitation is their own imagination!"

What about the allegation that the effects in this demo may all be a little, well, samey.

"Nonsense. We are even letting people set their own tunnel palettes. This will be the best tunnel based megademo since Dream Dimension!"


Café Fuji Rebranded
Hello and welcome to Café Infogrammes!

Our promotions department have been doing a lot of focus testing on the site, and it has come to our attention that the word 'fuji' is not widely recognised amongst the general public. The americans asked about it thought it was a rap band. Those that are aware of it associate it with ill fated products, failure and bankruptcy.

We want to portray a positive image for this site, going forward.

We have dug into the cash tills and purchased a brand image from a highly successful and established games company. We feel this new logo and name will reflect well on us.

We hope will now be percieved as innovators and creators of excellent product and not thought of as the turgid, badly managed, semi-bankrupt low quality fakers that we really are.

So join us in toasting our fantastic new name, and let us hope those share buyers in the city are easily fooled, or our next company image with be of a man sleeping rough in a cardboard box!


A Cabbie Speaks
In our irregular voxpops series, we take to the streets and talk to regular, ordinary people about the issues that matter.

This week taxi driver Jack Tramiel rants about Infogrammes adoption of the Atari brand name.

"Blimey guv. Those Infogrammes fellas, who'd have thought it eh? Slapping fuji logos on all their products years after the big A had kicked the bucket. Disrespectful, innit?"

"GET OFF MY ROAD! Bloody cyclists."

"Its those damn frogs shoving their big noses where they don't belong. Now I'm not a racist - some of my best customers are foreign. They never moan when I charge 'em 100 quid for a five minute ride."

"Granted, the frenchies are world leaders in some areas - smelly cheeses, poncey books, those subtitled 'arty' films - but making computer games in the true Atari tradition? You're having a laugh aintcha?"


"Infogrammes though, they just don't have a clue do they? It's sacrilege. Nolan Bushnell - bless him - would be spinning in his grave if he saw what was happening today. You want to say - Oi, Infogrammes, No! Take your crappy games and bully boy development tactics and shove them where the sun don't shine!"

"But there's no reasoning with these frenchies. They release one cheesey licence game, everyone slates it, and they just bounce back with another. They buy up a development studio, piss off all the staff and ruin it. People complain, but they just go off and do it all over again. They just don't listen. String 'em up, I say - It's the only language they understand."

"I had that Bruno Bonnell in the back of my cab once. Bloody nice bloke."

Atari Sunnyvale : Back In Business

Zealots and fanboys were committing suicide last night after Infogrames grand cheese, Cristophe Sapet, announced that his piss-poor games firm would be renaming itself "Atari". We were at the press briefing, and we left feeling shocked, saddened and slightly dirty.

Sapet was one of the founders of French 'entertainment' software company, Infogrames. "In the early days it was just me, Bruno and Thomas squatting in a garden shed" He laughs. "Bruno was so bossy. When I forgot to bring him his croissants he would beat me with a stale baguette. I still have the bruises."

But such beatings didn't discourage the large nosed frenchmen, and he spoke with the air of man not deterred by physical pain nor physical deformity.

"I am pleased to announce the reopening of Atari's hardware division in Sunnyvale California. We have even managed to reunite a lot of the original talent."

"There is Richard Miller - who created the hugely successful Jaguar and Nuon consoles. We have also managed to rehire the team who made the ST's blitter. This ground breaking graphics chip has been copied many times, but, in my opinion, never surpassed. Companies like nVidia would kill to get hold of this design!"

"We also have the ergonomics guys who were responsible for the ST's joystick port location, and the team that came up with the concept of diagonal function keys. We cannot fail."

When pressed to elaborate on the future plans for this hardware division, Sapet became noticeably uncomfortable.

"There are teams working on some of Bruno's more, erm, unusual designs. My vision for Atari hardware is an utopian vision. I want us to create products that will change the world. I have a group that are frantically working on a device that is very personal to me." he coughs. "It is an ugliness curer."

Christophe Sapet : Ugliness

Café Fuji LeftOvers
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