Author's note: This is a re-publishing of my other rant about Tomb Raider. There is a correction at the end of this rant, adding a few new facts; mainly the fact that the new Tomb Raider is avalible in stores.

S3: Welcome to today’s discussion: Tomb Raider.

Duo: You mean the British Breast Game.

Ai: [Slightly angry.] No, Tomb Raider.

Duo: Yeah, the British Breast Game.

Ryoga: Am I needed here?

S3: No - but you’re staying.

Ryoga: [Slouches.] Damn.

S3: Anyway, WHO keeps making Tomb Raider games?!?!

Duo: Why do you have such a vice against the Brit… [Notices Ai glaring at him.] Uh… that game?

S3: Well, before we continue, we must say this: Before you people start complaining about how Tomb Raider is such a good series, explain to me HOW a woman who rips off Indiana Jones can stay alive for more sequels than the man himself?

Ai: [Picking up where S3 left off.] Look, I understand that Tomb Raider is supposedly the first game with a woman as a main character. Of course, those who say this completely forget Samus Aran. She’s the first main character that’s a female. Terra from FF3 (FF6 in Japan and on the PS1) is another. Even the female team from Baseball Stars count here!

Duo: [Grinning.] But, I’m willing to forgive that, considering that the REAL reason Lara Croft has stayed around for so long is that her… [Notices Ai glaring at him again.] ‘front-mounted guns’ are bigger than most third world countries; that, or the federal deficit.

Ryoga: Not that we’re complaining, really.

S3: [Nodding his head.] Exactly.

Ai: Well, I am – but that’s just me.

Ryoga: As we say this, Tomb Raider: The Angel of Darkness is being advertised on the TV.

S3: [Beginning to pull out his hair.] My god, it WON’T END!

Ai: This is about the seventh game…

S3: We’re also counting the three crappy Game Boy games.

Ai: …for this poorly-developed character.

Duo: And I, personally, don’t mean physically.

S3 & Ryoga: Neither do we.

Ai: Oh! Before we forget, in the ads, the marketing department is already referring to this new game as ‘a blockbuster.’

S3: WHY? Has the game been released yet? NO!

Duo: [Whispers to S3.] Dude, go take your Ritalin.

S3: [Crosses his arms and laughs.] I don’t need it. R2 does.

Ryoga: Anyway, this new game is based on the whole idea that Lara looks better running on the PS2.

S3 & Duo: Huzzah!

Ai: The plot is crap.

S3: Yeah, she’s framed for the murder of some old guy.

Ryoga: It was done FAR better is a movie called ‘The Fugitive.’

Duo: [Raises his hand like a kindergartener.] What about the sequel, ‘U.S. Marshals?’

Ryoga: Oh, yeah. That too.

S3: The character designs are THE SAME THING.

Ai: The only difference here is that Lara is wearing a smaller black tank top for stealth.

Duo: Not that I’m complaining.

S3: In other words, it’s a female Solid Snake running around like Harrison Ford from Tommy Lee Jones. Edios, how about more Tomb Raiding?

Ryoga: In other words, Lara no longer does what the title suggests. Nope, no more Tomb Raiding for this pin-up.

S3: As a matter of fact, in her LAST original PS1 game, Lara Croft was killed in some sort of cave collapse or landslide.

Ai: Don’t you know how she died?

S3: [Shrugs.] No. I really don’t care.

Ryoga: Now, HOW could she live to be in ANOTHER game?

S3: You tell me. I’m not gonna buy the new game OR the old one.

Ryoga: The ‘legacy’ lives on, as well. Angelina Jolie is going to be Lara Croft AGAIN in ANOTHER Tomb Raider movie.

Duo: Yay! Yes!

S3: Um… the first one kinda sucked.

Duo: There were breasts.

Ryoga: [Ignoring Duo.]The second one doesn’t look any better. Yes, she’s in a wet swimsuit for most of the movie.

Duo: Thank you God!

S3: Do we care? No.

Duo: I do!

Ai: Sorry to break it to you fanboys out there, but Angelina Jolie can’t act.

S3: Thank you for joining us for another rantreview. Goodnight! [Credits begin to scroll.]

Duo: Hey! These are written backwards!

Author's Note: As of this re-publishing, 'Tomb Raider: The Angel of Darkness' has been released. The game has recieved all-around horrible reviews, and is a literal exersize in frustration and futility. Guess I was right, eh?