Electricity (A Spam mail)

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S3's Random Ramble: Wow... another series. Well, at least THIS was planned. Sorta. This is the first NEW fic for the site. I admit, there is a bit of PLOT here. And, for those of you who love the lemons, there isn't one. For a LONG time, anyway. I did those ONLY for FF.N. Besides, I think the Hentai's deserve a break. For about a season, anyway.

This one is dedicated to my special guest star. You'll see who she is.

Ok... this is TECHNICALLY the third episode of MST high, sorta, as well as the first for Star LaBranche. The first part of MST high was Mike Nelson #2005. The second part of MST high is on the site of my friend, Ragnarock 2. He's on the Affiliates page.

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[Cheesy theme music starts up.]

S3: Uh-oh.

In the not to distant future,
2006 AD.
There once was an avatar,
about the same as you or me.
Tortured by a teacher by the name of Pearl,
an evil gal who wants to rule the world.
She threw S3 into space,
and is intent on torturing him until he goes insane!

S3: Hey! That doesn't rhymeeeeeee!!!!

Pearl: I'll send them crappy fanfics!
The worst I can find!

All: Lalala!

He'll have to sit and read them all,
and I'll monitor his mind.

All: Lalala!

Now, keep in mind he can't control,
when the fics begin and end.

S3: I wish.

He'll try to keep his sanity,
With the help of his made-up friends!

MSTer roll call:
S3! (I'm the freakin' author here!)
Nikki! (What am I doing here?)
Ryogaaaaaaaaa!!! (WHERE AM IIIIIIIIIIIII?)

If you're wondering what he likes and hates,
and other personal facts.

S3: WHAT?

Just keep in mind,
This is the internet!
You ain't getting a hold of it!
Oh, the voyages of the Star LaBranche!

Squeaky!

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The P.S.S. Star LaBranche sat in orbit over Earth. As it drifted in the nothingness, a small shuttlecraft - like one from Star Trek: the Next Generation - zoomed up to the ship itself, completely defying the whole idea that there is no sound in space. The shuttle silently slid into the shuttle bay on the back of the LaBranche.

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A door opened. S3 stepped out, a grin on his face. He was in a... lounge of sorts. It was roomy, and big. Connected to the room were about 8 doors. Behind these doors were the theater, a holodeck, 3 bedrooms, a bathroom, a kitchen, and a turbolift (the elevator, which S3 had just come through.).

S3 grinned, "Cool. I'm on a Federation ship." He turned around to see the others come through the same door. "It's a FEDERATION starship!"

Duo sighed, "I'm gonna go sleep." And then trudged into one of the bedrooms with his (AND Chau's) stuff, "Do NOT disturb me."

Chau decided to join him, at least to keep him company.

S3 sat down on one of the multiple couches in the lounge and sighed, "There's no TV here."

Shinji opened one of the doors, and exclaimed, "Who NEEDS one? We have a holodeck!"

Asuka looked at one of the panels scattered about the room - this one describing this ship, "We also have a transporter, a hot spring, a full kitchen from a 5-star restaurant, storage, ANOTHER holodeck, a place for mine and Shinji's EVA and Duo's Gundam, AND more storage!"

S3 jumped up, "I'm gonna go up to the bridge!"

*
First Deck! NOTHING WORKS!
*

(For the main bridge, imagine ANY bridge from Star Trek. ANY one.)

S3 ran into the main bridge, only to find out that everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, was covered in transparent aluminum. S3 banged away at the helm control guard (the 24th century version of the club.), but to no success. The main screen in the front of the room turned on. It was Pearl.

"Hello there my little guinea pi- I mean subject!" she grinned. In the background was the English classroom. Ragnarock 2, believe it or not, was being dragged into a seat. "I just got a new subject. I believe that you know him."

S3 sighed. At the very least, R2 would be giving Pearl hell. "Are we going to get a fanfic today?"

Pearl's grin widened, "Well... I need a blood sample first.

S3's eyes bulged, "Man... I hope it's NOT Washu style."

Pearl smirked, "Nope. I have a small needle nearby." The needle withdrew a vile of S3's blood, despite his protests. "Now, for the experiment."

"Huh? Aren't you gonna run some tests on the blood instead?" panicked S3, backing away from the new needle.

"Nope. That is distilled SI in that vile. I want to see what would happen if 1 percent of your blood was infiltrated with the same amount from a random SI." Pearl did the Gendo Ikari-type finger thing.

"OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWCCHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"Now..." Pearl said plainly, "The effects of your new SI abilities should be evident in... 3... 2... 1... now."

At that moment, a startlingly beautiful young woman appeared appeared for no real reason. S3's eyes widened as he realized who she was.

"Nichole?" S3 asked, his face blushing, "Wha... what are you doing here?"

"Could you call me Nikki? Please? I thought we we went over that..." Nikki shrugged, her red-orangey-blonde hair bouncing slightly, "I'm not that sure. I was playing Black & White on my computer, then I was here. What's going on here, Brandon?"

"Um..." S3 muttered, "We're in my fic. You need to address me as S3 here...

"Crap, now ANOTHER one of my friends are here..." S3 moaned as he plopped down into the Captain's chair.

"Is... something wrong?" Nikki asked as she moved to comfort him.

S3 grinned, "Naah. So... Pearl, what is our fic?"

Pearl coughed, "Well, I want Shinji and Asuka in the theater with you two. The fic is actually a chunk of spam, called Electricity. Go."

As if on cue... AS IF ON CUE... ARGH! Excuse me for a second here............... Ah! The FANFIC SIGN went off. Alarms went off, and doors opened and closed, and general pandemonium all around. S3 and Nikki ran out of the theater into the turbolift.

*
Second deck! The theater and home!
*

S3 and Nikki ran into the theater and snagged Ryoga as they went.

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The doors! Wow! They're back!

Door 7: A picture of the ship's namesake! Mblow0t5!

S3: [Drools slightly.] Wow...
Nikki: [Grabs S3 by the ear and drags him off.] Hmph!
S3: OW!

Door 6: A door made of Atari Jaguars. There's NO WAY around them. S3 plants some nearby C-4 on the door, and it goes off. You slip on through.
Door 5: It's a Pokeball! It opens up, and you're sucked in.

S3: There's no escapeeeeee!!!

Door 4: It's a manhole. You fall through.
Door 3: A black hole. You can guess the result.

Ryoga: Not agaiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnn!

Door 2: A door from Metal Gear Solid. You find keycard 4 and slip inside.

Guard #1: What was that noise?

Door 1: A traditional theater door. You slide in and it locks behind you.

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>Dear Friend,

Ryoga: Friend of yours?
S3: I hope not.
Nikki: Quite friendly for someone who doesn't know you.

>In our area of the country

Ryoga: What country? Japan?
S3: WHAT area? Me and Nickki live next to TWO nuclear plants! WHOOPS and Hanford!

>home energy prices just keep rising.

Nikki: News to me.

>If you're like us,

S3: Ah... I see. Insane, and drunk, and paranoid.
Nikki: Perfectly reasonable.

>it's beginning to put a squeeze on your budget.

S3: I make SEVEN DOLLARS A WEEK. SEVEN. I have NO BUDGET.
Ryoga: I have NO cash.
Nikki: I have no job, so I'm broke.

>And, to make matters worse, there's no end in sight.

Ryoga: ...of this piece of spam?

>You can get more information about this

Nikki: Rip-off?

>incredible opportunity by sending an email to Electricity

Ryoga: Sending a message about a non-existant electricity panic OVER THE INTERNET. GREAT idea!
S3: That's about as bad as demonstrating how bad nuclear power is by blowing up one of the plants yourself!

>Well, we may have a solution to this madness.

S3: Stop using electricity?
Nikki: Well, screw that. I love the internet.
Ryoga: Hmm... well, you loons could STOP SENDING E-MAILS ABOUT THIS CRAP.

>In fact, we believe we can eliminate your

Ryoga: ...family if you don't comply.

>home electric bills altogether.

S3: Yes, It's called DYING.

>Now, we are NOT offering you something for nothing.

Nikki: Well, of course. If this is a rip-off, then they MUST ask for something!

>Rather we are offering a fair exchange.

Ryoga: [As the spam.] Your firstborn child.

>Our company has been researching new ways to produce

S3: [As the spam.] ...crappy spam. This is one of them!

>Electricity since 1987.

Ryoga: Wow. Took them a long time.

>We are preparing to bring our revolutionary

S3: [As the spam.] ...ideas to light. Soon, the country will fall, and mankind will soon after.

>technology to market soon.

Nikki: [Snorts.] Yeah, 'soon' means years later.

>It will produce Electricity without polluting the environment in any way.

S3: Well, I know that that's a bunch of BS.
Ryoga: Yeah, I may be clueless, but I ain't stupid.
Nikki: AREN'T stupid.
Ryoga: Whatever.

>We would like to put a 30 kilowatt generator

S3: I'd rather have a 1.21 gigawatt generator on MY ship.
Ryoga: Got plans for a time machine?
S3: God, no. I just want to power the hot spring on deck 4.

>on homes all across America and Canada.

Nikki: Why? I thought that nuclear power was cheap and clean.
S3: Well, Hanford is getting a virtrification plant that'll turn the radioactive crap into glass... Should work.

>This will be a completely

Ryoga: [As the spam.] ...stupid idea. Do not listen to me anymore.

>distributed power generation system. The unit will produce far more Electricity than your home
>would normally use.

S3: Therefore, you are paying MORE for the little generator then normal.
Ryoga: Unless you're running an arcade in your home.

>You will get to use the Electricity it produces. And we will sell what you don't use back
>across the grid as our way of making money.

Nikki: So... you don't make ANY MONEY off this. [Shakes her head.] Not good.

>You get your Electricity for free

S3: Again, let me repeat: BS. But I digress...

>in exchange for providing us an access point to the grid.

Ryoga: Ooh! It's the Borg and their attempt to take over the world!
S3: Maybe it's Microsoft. That WOULD help their schemes.
Nikki: Wow...

>This is the fair exchange we spoke of.

Ryoga: Fair my ass.

>You can get more information about this incredible opportunity by sending an email to
>Electricity

All: [Begin to laugh.]
Nikki: ...an E-mail... about electricity conservation... [Giggles.]

>We would like you to participate in this exciting offer.

S3: ...quite frankly, I'd only get excited about this if I was high, drunk, insane, and retarded. AT THE SAME TIME.
Nikki: Long day?
S3: Dang straight.

>You can get more information about this incredible opportunity by sending an email to
>Electricity We will send you information that will

Ryoga: [As the spam.] ...kill you.

>explain how to get all the details. This is an automated process.

S3: Well, this explains a lot. I'm 16. I DON'T OWN SQUAT.

>There are a limited number of slots available

Nikki: Good for you.
S3: Yeah, we don't care.

>and they are rapidly being filled

Ryoga: [As the spam.] ...by the people who stockpiled for Y2K, and are now feeling quite stupid right now.

>so you will need to respond quickly.
>Thank you for your time,

All: You're not welcome.

>Meg

S3: Who is Meg?

>
>Margaret Meade said

Ryoga: Who?

>"Never doubt

S3: No... no... They're called 'No Doubt.'
Nikki: Good group.
S3: Yeah, I liked 'Bathwater' the best.

>that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens

Ryoga: HA! Knew it! INSANE PEOPLE.

>can change the world.

All: [Singing.] Change the world.~

>Indeed it's the only thing that ever has."

Nikki: ...has what?

>Be a part of that change by joining www.journeysintospirit.com

All: Uh... no.

>, a web-based community helping to change the world one person at a time.

Ryoga: Tried it. Never worked.

>
>
>

Nikki: Is it over?

>To be removed from this mailing list please click on REMOVE

S3: Didn't work.

>or you can fax of a copy of your email address to 253-669-9753.

S3: Don't have a fax.

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The doors in reverse. I don't have the current budget to show that, but use your imagination!

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On the bridge of the Star LaBranche, S3 sat grumpily in his captain's chair. The S-I blood running through his veins was beginning to do some odd things to him. S3 now had muscle mass like that of Sylvester Stalone, blonde hair like Fabio, and wore a suit of Saiyan armour. Nikki sat beside him, a smirk visible on her features. Brandon was sitting in the pilot's chair, and Ai stood at the science counsole. Ryoga supressed a yawn as he leaned on the weapons controls. Shinji and Asuka stood against the back wall. They had, reluctantly, taken these positions - ignoring the fact that they were covered in a thick plastic, preventing any access to them. Duo and Chau were not present. Pearl was on the main screen.

"Well..." Pearl smiled, "how was your piece of fanfiction heaven?"

S3 grunted in a melodious voice, "Were we watching the same thing?"

Ryoga sighed, "Yes, I think so."

"Anyway," continued Pearl, "the ship should be pulling up to a space station soon. You will dock there, and the following people will disembark and go to these areas: Asuka and Shinji to the transporter room, Duo and Chau to the section on the left, Ai and Brandon to the section on the right, and S3, Ryoga and Nikki shall stay in the main ship."

S3 groaned, "Ok... I guess so."

Pearl grinned widely, "The left is a replica of Deep Space Nine, the right is a replica of the Sattelite of Love, and Asuka and Shinji will join my new subject at school."

Asuka grinned, "Me and Shinji get to leave?"

"Sort of. You're joining Ragnarok 2 on the surface. The rest will float about in this tri-space station."

S3 interrupted, "WHEN will this S-I blood fade away?"

Pearl checked her watch, "3... 2... 1... Now."

S3 reverted to normal, luckily.

"I expect all of you to do as I said, or you will die. Ciao!" the monitor clicked off.

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[End Feed.]

Credits:

Duo Maxwell – Himself
Chau Maxwell – Herself
S3 – Himself
Brandon Masters – S3, the Demon Godling
Ai Seki – Herself
Ryoga Hibiki – Himself
Shinji Ikari - Himself
Nikki Mason - Herself

Original fic by: Some dumb spammer...

Script: S3, the Demon Godling

Plot by: Ragnarock 2

Cool music listened to while writing by: Mblow0t5

Special thanks to:
-The creators of MST3K
-Mblow0t5
-Bruce Campbell
-Rakna
-Nick Barrett