The Voyages of the B.M.S. Michael J. Nelson #1005 - The Season Finale!

Evil dead and

S3's Random Ramble: Welcome to the season finale of season 1! Woohoo! Well, this was a semi-monumentous event, but it wasn't that bad.Well, anyway, read on!

Evil Dead ½, by Chris Vegvary

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Space: There’s too damn much of it.
These are the voyages of the B.M.S. Michael J. Nelson.
It’s continuing mission:
To explore strange, new fanfiction,
To seek out new Hentai to MST, with new spin-off series.
To boldly go where no MST saga has gone before!

Sound bites!
Brandon Masters! (What do you mean this is the last episode of the season?)
Ai Seki! (DUO NO HENTAI!!!)
Duo Maxwell! (I’ve got a girlfriend!~)
Shinji Ikari! (I mustn’t watch lemons… I mustn’t watch lemons…)
Ryoga Hibiki! (Well, it’s the end of the world as we know it, and I’m feeling a LITTLE bit gassy, but otherwise, I’m fine.)
Chau Masters! (Duo’s cute! ^_^)

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It was after New Year’s Eve. The Christmas ornaments had been taken down, and the tree turned into firewood. Ai and Brandon were surfing the web, looking for bad fanfiction. Duo and Shinji were sitting in front of the 60-inch TV, busy kicking the shit out of the aliens in Halo on their new X-Box. Chau was on the other TV, whiling away the hours on her new Gamecube, playing Star Wars: Rouge Leader. Ryoga, as usual, was missing.

“Die, die, DIE, DIE, DIEDIEDIE!!!” Shinji shouted as he began to chase after Duo’s character, guns blazing.

“Dammitt Shinji!” objected Duo as his character died… again, “I’m on YOUR SIDE!”

Their argument, which continued on, went mainly unnoticed by Ai and Brandon. Brandon was currently surfing on another fanfiction website, www.tmffa.com. Ai, however, was on the ‘Sakura’s Lemon Fanfiction Website.’

“Oh, man…” Ai groaned, crossing her legs and shifting uncomfortably, “Some of these lemons are actually quite good!”

Brandon stifled a chuckle as he read one of the MSTs on tmffa, “Oh, jeez… We should MST this fic!” he paused to look over at Duo, “Hey, Duo, you DO know that there are about 30 clones of you running about?” Duo’s blank look convinced Brandon to describe what the hell he was talking about, “Well, each MST published on ANY website is a real record of one crew’s MSTing. I’ve seen several with you, Shinji, or even Ryoga in them! Apparently, Washu – or Washuu, if you prefer – got to you guys and made some extras…”

“Do you like any of them?” asked Duo, getting up to look at what Brandon was reading.

Brandon nodded, as he showed Duo a section of Cyrus Marriner’s ‘The Adventures Of The H.M.S. Zap Rowsdower.’

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During the process of squeezing the grapefruit to make its "mouth" open and close, it shot a concentrated stream of juice...right into Duo's eye.
"OH GOD IT BURNS!" Duo screamed, drowning out Kiyone's response. As Duo rolled around on the floor screaming in pain, Ken entered and sat down.
"Cyrus, did you fix the dish I asked you to?" he asked politely.
"Oh, yeah," replied Cyrus, pointing to a covered plate on the counter nearby.
Kiyone kicked Duo as he rolled around on the ground. "Shut up!" Duo promptly obeyed, going from screaming to wimpering. "Cyrus, what am I supposed to do for breakfast?" she asked again, adding: "You messed up every dish in the kitchen!"
"Kiyone," Cyrus began, his tone rebuking her, "it's a galley. Come on, say it with me, gal-ley. We're on a ship, remember?"
"I swear to God if I had put my sidearm on this morning you would be dead right now, Cyrus."
"Look, just drink some coffee," Cyrus said, waving his finger in towards the coffee machine as he read the comics page. Unbeknownst to him, Duo had stood up and was headed to the bathroom to try to wash out his eye. And his path had taken his good eye directly towards Cyrus's finger.
However, Duo's body was a finely tuned machine. He had spent years of his life training, perfecting his timing and reflexes, so he could be one of the best mobile suit pilots ever. And his reflexes did not let him down. He spun away, ducking the finger and the vicious fingernail it wielded.
However, his spin took him right into the path of Misato, who was just entering the room with two boxes of doughnuts that had three cups of coffee precipitously balanced atop them. Duo's collision unbalanced the cups, and he watched as they fell, almost in slow motion, emptying their steaming hot contents onto his crotch.
Duo unleashed a wail of pain the likes of which was usually reserved for those being tortured in the deepest depths of hell by a homosexual anthropomorphic carrot named Tad. He ran out of the room, almost crying in pain, headed for the bathroom.

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Duo winced several times while reading the text. At one point, he even cried out in pain – timed perfectly with his double’s woman-like one. Gasping, Duo added, “He doesn’t like me much, does he?”

Brandon nodded, “At one point, you even get most of your flesh burnt off in two separate incidents. At least you get skin grafts…” he paused, “…but they’re black.”

Duo tried to picture himself with patchwork skin, and couldn’t. At that moment, the ship’s deck began to bend.

“…the HELL?” Chau screeched as she was thrown into the air.

“Crap!” Brandon swore, “It’s a reality bender!” given the blank looks on Duo’s, Shinji’s, and Chau’s faces, Brandon continued, “It’s a crossover fanfic that is SO bad that it bends reality around itself so it can fit.”

“Let’s get rid of it then!” Duo shouted as he scrambled over to the theater doors.

“Fanfic sign!” Ai commanded, “Brandon, Duo! With me!”

With that, they streaked into the theater, leaving Chau to play Halo for the first time with Shinji. While starting up the X-Box again, Chau thought aloud, “Where’s Ryoga?”

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Ryoga Hibiki was in the engine room, reminiscing over a black cup of coffee. He was thinking about how Ranma would taunt him, how cute Akane was, the shapes of Shampoo and Ukyo’s bodies. “Uh oh.” he grimaced, covering his nose, “Nosebleed!”

At that moment, while Ryoga was scrambling for some Kleenexes, the ship was rocked by the Reality Bender fic. The quaking caused the cup of coffee to tumble off its perch, and hit one of the consoles. It frizzed, sparked and smoked. Ryoga meanwhile, coffee forgotten, went off to the lounge to see what the HELL had just happened.

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The doors!
Door 7: Mike Nelson’s smiling picture!
Door 6: An igloo. You crawl inside and shiver through.
Door 5: A white door from a house. It’s locked. You pick up the spare key from under the mat, unlock it, and go on through.

Brandon: [Turns the key in the lock. The key breaks.] Crap.
Ai: Excuse me, hon. [Slides Brandon aside, and kicks the door in.]
Brandon: Thanks dear!

Door 4: A blue leopard’s cage. You feed it, and streak on through.
Door 3: A spider’s web! You slice it Indiana Jones style, and sneak through.
Door 2: A door made from the remains of the multiple Tom Servos! You shiver and tiptoe on by.

Servo Head #1: Hey, man, could we get some bodies soon?
Servo Head #2: Not me, man. I like it here!
Brandon: [Shrugs.] Sorry, but the bodies are built into the door. I… suppose you could control the door itself, but…

Door 1: The traditional airlock. It spins open, and you enter.

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>You know the drill,

Brandon and Duo: [Make drilling noises.]
Ai: Oh, come on… that’s the oldest joke in the book…

>all Ranma ½ characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi, The Evil Dead is owned by
>whoever owns it

Brandon: Sam Rami and Renaissance Pictures.

>, so on, so forth. This fic contains extreme violence and adult language.

Ryoga: [Enters the theater somehow.] Ah! Like the Evil Dead movies!
Brandon: [Jumps, scared.] DON’T do that! …where the hell did you come from, anyway?
Ryoga: [Shrugs.] If I knew, I wouldn’t be lost all the time.

>Oh yeah, Ranko's in this.

All: All right!
Duo: [Anime tears.] The tree-bourne kettle girl is back!

>The Evil Dead
>by Chris Vegvary

Brandon: He’s gonna get his ass sued…

>
>Akane: "How much farther to the cabin, Ranma?"
>He glanced back at her and the nine other people that followed him. The line went:
>Ranma, Akane,

Duo: She’s looking at his ass…

>Ranko, Tatewaki,

Ai: Staring at her ass…
All the guys: [Join in watching Ranko’s ass.]

>Ukyo, Ryoga,

Ryoga: Watching her ass… [Laughs slightly.]
Ai: [Whacks him upside the head.] Hentai.

>Mousse, Shampoo, Daisuke, Hiroshi,

Duo: Can you guess what those two dudes are doing?
Brandon: Umm… [Looks at Ai, who glares at him.] I refuse to answer that.
Ai: [Pats Brandon on the head.] Good boy.

>and Kodachi bringing up the rear. Each were dressed in regular hiker clothes and had
>packs slung over their shoulders.

All (ESPECIALLY Ryoga.): …the hell?!? Whatever happened to those cool outfits?!?

>Ranma: "About a mile. We just have to cross this bridge."
>As they got closer to the bridge and began to trudge over it, Ranko noticed that it was
>creaking a lot.
>Ranko: "Hey, bro, I don't remember this bridge being so out of shape. What gives?"
>Ranma: "Got me. I haven't been here since the last time you have, which was nearly ten
>years ago."

Duo: Plot setting…~

>Ukyo: "And you're SURE the cabin's empty?"
>Ranma: "Positive. You won't find any people there, trust me.

Brandon: [As possessed Ranma.] Truuuussssssst meeeee… [His head spins around, while his body stays still.]
Everyone else: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Ai: [TRYING to be polite, but obviously scared.] Um… honey, how did you do that?
Brandon: [Goes back to normal.] It’s a talent as a main character, and being an SI.

>It'll be just us. Of course...we'll have to see about the electricity."
>Tatewaki: "Hmm...to venture with the beauteous Akane Tendo and Ranko Saotome in
>the darkness of night shall not go to waste.

All: [Scream in fear.]
Ai: A THREESOME?
[Pause.]
All: [Scream in fear again.]

>Fear not, ladies. In the event of no light, I shall protect thee from harm's path."
>At the back of the line, Kodachi laughed.
>Kodachi: "Your persistence has gotten you nowhere in the past, brother dear."

Ryoga: Ain’t THAT the truth…

>Hiroshi leaned over and whispered to Daisuke, who was staring at something up ahead.
>Hiroshi: "Any idea what the hell either of them just said?"
>Daisuke: "Huh? Oh, sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I was watching Shampoo's ass."

Duo: Finally, a pastime worth joining in!
Ryoga: Nah, I like Ukyo better…
Brandon: [Looks like he’s about to say something, then shuts up.]
Ai: Good boy. [Hits Duo.] Hentai Bastard.

>Hiroshi watched as well. Soon, both boys were transfixed on Shampoo's ass as they
>walked. Mousse turned to Shampoo, who had her nose upturned.
>Mousse: "Something wrong?"
>Shampoo: "Pervert boys looking at Shampoo's butt again. It no bother."

Duo: [Jumping up and down with glee.] ALL RIGHT! SHE DOESN’T CARE!
Ai: [Whacks Duo upside the head.] Bastard Hentai.

>A few minutes later and they were at the front of the cabin. Ranma opened the door and
>walked inside,

Ryoga: And they all died. End of fic.

>followed by the others. Once inside, the weary-looking group simultaneously dropped
>their packs to the floor.
>* * * * *
>Ryoga was the first to call dibs on the shower.

Duo: Unfortunately, there was NO WARM WATER due to the fact that there was NO ELECTRICITY. [Laughs.] Time for P-chan!
Ryoga: [Grumbles.]
Duo: [Grins.] What was that, Pig-boy?
Ryoga: [Growls, and charges at Duo.] GRRRRYYYAAAAAHHHH!!! DUO! PREPARE TO DIE!!!!!!!
Brandon & Ai: [Watching the festivities.]
Brandon: MUCH better then any damn Chuck Norris movie.
Ai: [Cuddles up to Brandon.] Yeah…

>Once he got out, he went to the window in the living room, wrapped in a towel.

Everyone: [Stops. The fighting, cuddling, ect…] WHAT?
Duo: [Shouts.] OH, GOD! [Drops to his knees.] PLEASE KILL ME NOW!
Ai: Hey… he’s not all THAT bad looking…

>He sat on a chair and watched the sun quickly go down.

Duo: [Covers his eyes.] Oh, GOD! I’m blind! CROSS YOUR LEGS!

>Ukyo stood next to him.
>Ukyo: "Aren't you gonna get dressed?"
>Ryoga: "Yeah, I just wanted to watch the sunset."
>He got up and went to his room, which he would be sharing with Ukyo. She watched
>him, her eyes shimmering.
>Ukyo: "Wow, that's romantic."

Brandon: I smell lemon…
Ryoga: You know, for once, I’m not objecting…

>A thought entered her head. *Hmm...since I AM sharing a room with him and all...this
>could be an educational experience.*

Brandon: Told ya’!
Duo: That sounded WAY too much like Mariemaia Kushrenada…

>Tatewaki, however, stood outside on the front steps and watched the trees sway back
>and forth. It almost seemed like they were waving him over to them.

Ai: Knowing the Evil Dead series, they are.

>He shook it off and went back inside.
>Ranko was building a fire. She watched Tatewaki as he walked over and sat next to her.

Ryoga: Um… Ranko and…
Duo: …Kuno… together.
Ai: This does not sound good…
Brandon: [Shuddering.] This could turn WAY ugly…

>She expected him to start hitting on her immediately but he just sat, not even looking at
>her.
>Ranko: "Kuno? What's wrong?"
>Tatewaki: "I was wondering, pig-tailed beauty...do you tire of my desires to make you
>mine? If asked, I will cease."

All: [Coughing.] Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!

>Ranko: "To tell you the truth, Kuno, it flatters me that you want me. I mean, I was
>always second choice in life until I met you.

Duo: Not to me… [Chuckles.]

>You've picked me over anyone else on all occasions that required it."

Brandon: Except when Akane was involved.

>Tatewaki: "Is it also my difficulty in speaking like a...'regular' person?"
>Ranko: "No. Poetry makes me feel even more special."

Ai: I wouldn’t call it poetry… more like comic relief.

>Tatewaki: "Then why do you continuously squash my emotions along with my face?"
>Ranko: "I don't know. I guess I'm just trying to stay out of a relationship. But...if we
>tried, we could definitely make it work."
>Tatewaki: "So you do not wish me to cease my actions?"
>She leaned closer to him and made sure no one was around before she whispered.
>Ranko: "Can I kiss you?"

All: 0_0’ WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY?

>Tatewaki: "Can you--"
>She cut him off by clutching his face with both hands and planting a huge kiss right on
>his lips,

Duo: Ranko! No! Don’t give into the dark side!

>pressing her tongue into his mouth.

Ryoga: [Turns green.] I think I’m gonna be sick…

>His eyes were wide in surprise and his hands flailed wildly, hoping to catch something
>before he fell.

Ai: I can guess what he grabbed…
Brandon: [As Ranko.] YOU PERVERT!

>He hit the floor and Ranko landed on top of him.

All: [Scream in fear.]

>Mousse walked in.
>Mousse: "Hey, do you know where Sham--"
>The two looked up at him in shock. *Of all the times for him to be wearing his glasses,*

Brandon: [Grumbling.] Of all the times for ME to remember MY glasses…

>Ranko thought. She immediately bolted up and so did Kuno, both straightening
>themselves out.
>Ranko: "That wasn't what it looked like, Mousse. Was it, Kuno?"
>Kuno: "Uh, of course not. You see, she was...um...choking! Yes, she stopped breathing
>and I had to give her CPR. Really."

Duo: Um… since WHEN does CPR involve being BENEATH them?

>Mousse: "Look, I don't care. I won't tell anyone. I just wanted to know if either of you
>saw Shampoo."
>Ranko: "Nope. Try the kitchen."
>Mousse walked out of the living room and into the kitchen. Ranko and Kuno looked at
>each other, then she jumped on him, knocking them both to the floor.

Everyone: [Screaming in fear.]
Brandon: Wow… this is a LOT more frightening then ANY horror movie I’ve seen…
Duo: Yeah… and I was frightened by ‘What Lies beneath!’
Brandon & Ai: YOU were SCARED by THAT? [Sarcastic laughing.]

>* * * * *
>Kodachi stared out the window in her room. She was extremely bored, considering she
>couldn't get close to Ranma and there was nothing else for her to do. She considered
>checking out the basement. Yes, that room might have some...toys...

All: [Screaming in fear again.]
Duo: [Gasping for breath.] I’d like the definition of ‘toys…’

>that will prove useful. She stood up and headed for the door.
>* * * * *
>Ranma sat on the couch next to Akane. They were close but neither of them realized
>just how close they were sitting.

Ryoga: [Sarcastic.] Great… It’s ROMANTIC too…

>They watched an old TV show with the others. Ukyo and Shampoo were in the kitchen
>preparing dinner. The sounds of fighting could be heard from inside.

Duo: It’s an ‘Anything Goes Iron Chef Cook Off!’
Ryoga: Just so long as AKANE isn’t cooking. [Shudders.] You ever try her rice balls?
Brandon: [Shivers.] Yes… NEVER purposely eat her food – even if you’re into masochism…

>The group stared at the kitchen door.
>Ryoga: "Why did you let them both cook dinner?"
>Hiroshi: "Yeah, really. Those two mix like oil and yogurt."

Duo: But… I like that combo. It tastes great!

>Daisuke: "Uh huh. But Shampoo's a fox, ain't she?"
>Mousse: "Shut up."
>Ranma: "Look, I couldn't say no to one and let the other cook, right? That would've hurt
>someone's feelings."

Ai: But… Ranma doesn’t THINK about that…

>Akane: "I should just cook dinner."
>The seven others looked at her and simultaneously said the same sentence.
>All: "No, you shouldn't."

All: [In tune with the fic.] NO. You shouldn’t.

>They resumed watching TV when Kodachi walked in, then walked to the basement
>door, which was on the floor like a cellar, and went inside.
>Akane: "Should we see what she's doing?"
>Ranma: "Yeah, I'll go check."
>Ranko: "I'll go with you."

Duo: Oh, no…
Ryoga: Ranko and Ranma… [Pause.]

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

>Akane: "Hurry back, ok?"
>He looked back at her and smiled slightly. She blushed and continued watching the
>television. Ranma and Ranko headed down into the basement after Kodachi.
>There were stones in the walls and support beams holding the place up. There were
>pipes that were leaking water everywhere. The floor was dirt. The lights weren't too
>bright, either.

Duo: They failed kindergarten!

>The two of them spotted Kodachi in another room and went in.
>Ranma: "Hey, Kodachi, whatcha got there?"

Ai: [Grins evilly.] My… toys…

>She held up an old book, a tape recorder, and what looked like a ceremonial dagger.

Duo: Oh… so, she likes it THAT way, does she?
Ai: [Whacks Duo upside the head with a theater seat.] BASTARD HENTAI!

>* * * * *
>After dinner was served and everyone ate, the entire group sat in a circle, the book, tape
>recorder, and dagger in the middle. Mousse adjusted his glasses and looked
>uncomfortable even though he was sitting next to Shampoo.

All: THAT’S why he’s so UNCOMFORTABLE!!!

>Kodachi: "I found these in the basement. We haven't listened to the tape in the tape recorder yet, so let's."
>She pressed the play button. A man's voice came out of the speaker.
>Man: "After several years of searching, I finally found what I was looking for. It was the Necronomicon
> ex Mortis

Brandon: MORTIM!!!!!

>or, loosely translated, 'Book of the Dead'. I am about to read the incantation."

All: [Wave to the on-screen characters.] Bye-bye babes and idiots…

>Hiroshi: "Um...should we let him?"

Duo: [Pause.] Hmmm… Well… maybe, YES, DAMMIT!!!! DON’T LET HIM READ THE BOOK!
Ryoga: [As the guy from ‘the Mummy.’] NO! You must not read from the book!

>Shampoo: "What could happen?"

Ai: [Sarcastically.] Well, an ancient curse just MIGHT awaken a thousand-year old evil, killing all but one or two of you guys, but I DOUBT it…

>The man on the tape said several Latin

Duo: [As voice.] Kleptu, veratta, nichto!
Brandon: Sumerian! Get it right!

>words that only one person in the group understood. Mousse leaned forward.
>Mousse: "Shut it off."
>Ranma: "What?"

Ai: Is it me, or does Ranma have a thicker head then most Irish beers?
Everyone else: It’s you…

>Mousse: "Shut it off, Ranma!"

Ryoga: Does Mousse want Ranma want him to shut it off?
All: [Pause.] Naah…

>Ranma leaned forward to hit the stop button, but the voice stopped chanting. Suddenly, the lights went out
>and there was a low growling from all around the group. Wind started to rush through the house.
>Mousse: "Shut it off before it comes here!"

Brandon: It ain’t gonna help much now, moron…

>A deep, evil voice began to speak.

Duo: [As Psycho Mantis, from Metal Gear Solid.] I am going into your mind, into your soul… You like Castlevania, don’t you?

>Evil Force: "You're too late."
>They all looked around, wildly whipping their heads in every direction. The lights went back on and the
>wind stopped. Kodachi stood up and walked to the window.
>Ryoga: "What the FUCK was that?"

Brandon: Ryoga Hibiki: [Strikes a pose.] MASTER OF THE OBVIOUS!
Ryoga: HEY!

>Tatewaki: "I sense a great evil coming from inside this room. Sister? Do you feel it?"
>When she spoke, her voice was that of a demon's.
>Kodachi: "I feel it, brother."
>All eyes were on her. She spun around and faced them. Her eyes were light blue and her teeth were jagged
>and sharp. She began to float in midair.

Ai: [Yawns.] I can see the strings…

>Kodachi: "You have awakened us from our dark sleep! Now, we shall destroy all of you! I have
>swallowed the soul of this pitiful mortal and I shall do the same to you!"
>She began laughing wildly and flew towards the group.

Duo: [As Kodachi.] Away, trusty string!

>Everyone within her path jumped out of the way as she swung her clawed hands at them. Daisuke was
>like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car. He froze and Kodachi advanced upon him. She
>slammed him up against the wall, taking hold of him by both sides of his head.

Brandon: NO!
All: Don’t French the Deadite!

>She lifted him off the ground and he began screaming and kicking wildly, trying to pry her hands off his
>head.
>The rest of the gang couldn't see what Kodachi was doing to him because she was covering him.

All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

>All they could see was her back and Daisuke's legs flailing around. Suddenly, there was a snapping and
>crunching noise and Daisuke stopped moving. His hands dropped to the sides and began to twitch. His
>headless body slumped to the floor as Kodachi turned around, showing the severed head to everyone.

All: YOU BASTARD! YOU KILLED…
Brandon: [Pause.] Who was that?
Duo: I have no idea… you, Ai?
Ai: Nope.

>They screamed and she laughed. Tatewaki came out in front of the group and sliced her hand off with his
>bokken as the man on the tape continued talking.

Duo: Um… Isn’t a bokken a wooden sword?
Brandon: I think so…
Duo: Then… HOW?

>Man: "The only way to stop them is total body dismemberment."
>The others screamed as they watched Kuno chop up his sister.

Ryoga: [Shrugs.] No loss.

>* * * * *
>After they loaded Daisuke's body and what was left of Kodachi's into the cellar, they regrouped to form a
>plan. Ranma held the Necronomicon

Brandon: Because the book is TOO HARD TO SPELL, I’ll let that error pass…

>in front of Mousse's face.
>Ranma: "Alright, Mousse, what do you know about this book?"
>Mousse: "It's a gateway to hell.

Ryoga: Can I go? It’s WAY better then here!

>And you wouldn't be holding it if you knew what it was made of."
>Ranko: "Which is?"

Brandon: Human skin. The ink is from the sea when the waters ran like blood. In the year 1300, it disappeared off the face of the pla-
Ai: [Clamping her hand over Brandon’s mouth.] Shut. Up. Dearie.

>Mousse: "Human skin. The ink on the pages is blood."
>Ranma calmly walked over to a table and dropped the book. As everyone else was talking about the
>situation at hand, Hiroshi just stared out the window into the forest. He felt sick about what happened to
>his best friend, Daisuke.

Duo: Are those two SIs?
Ryoga: I dunno. I’ve never seen them before…

>His eyes went wide as he noticed that the trees had been inching closer each time he blinked. He looked
>back at the group and decided to take matters into his own hands.

Brandon: Ew! Not THOSE matters!
Ai: [HITS Brandon.] Hentai.
Brandon: Ow! What was that for?
Ai: [Glomps Brandon.] I’ll make it up to you later… [Chuckles slightly.]

>He went to the front door and opened it, stepping out. Unfortunately, no one noticed.
>* * * * *
>Ranma: "So, you know Latin? Can you translate the passages in this book so we can figure out how the
>fuck we're going to stop whatever comes out next?"

Ryoga: Um… Ranma DOESN’T swear…

>Mousse: "I think so, but I need some time."
>A scream was heard from outside. Ranma looked Mousse in the eyes.
>Ranma: "We've just run out of time."

All: THANK YOU, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!!

>The front door flew open and a bloodied, beat-up Hiroshi staggered into the cabin. He fell to the floor and
>the others came to his aid.
>Ukyo: "Hiroshi! What happened?"
>Hiroshi: "It's the--it's the trees!

Ryoga: [as Hiroshi.] They… need…. pruning!

>They're alive...we won't get out of here alive, none of us..."
>Shampoo: "Trees alive? He talk crazy."
>Akane: "After what just happened with Kodachi, that doesn't sound so crazy."
>Tatewaki: "You just hold on, Hiroshi. I'll get you some water."
>Kuno headed for the kitchen. Hiroshi was shuddering and shaking and coughing up blood.

Duo: Aw, man, all over the rug!

>His eyes lost all pigment as he stared into Ranma's eyes.
>Hiroshi: "They're taking my soul right now...I can feel them killing me. You have to cut me up before I
>turn like Kodachi."

Brandon: Too late…

>As soon as Kuno came back into the room with a glass of cold water,

Ai: Look out Ranma, Shampoo, Mousse, and Ryoga!

>Hiroshi shot up and grabbed the glass, smashing it over Kuno's head. Hiroshi's face was a distorted,
>disfigured mess.

Duo: [As disfigured Hiroshi.] Dead by dawn! Dead by dawn!
Ryoga: …what was… THAT?
Duo: Direct quote from ‘Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn.’

>He grabbed Ukyo and threw her into a wall, taking out one of her throwing spatulas and preparing to cut
>her throat with it.

All: AAH! Look out Ukyo!

>He raised the spatula but before he could slice her with it, one of Ryoga's bandannas cut Hiroshi's arm off.

Ryoga: KICK ASS!

>Hiroshi howled in pain and turned to Ryoga, receiving a kick to the face and one to each side of his head.
>He turned to Mousse and grabbed the Necronomicon, ripping a few pages out. Shampoo drop kicked
>Hiroshi into the open cellar door and Ranma and Akane slammed it shut. Ryoga and Kuno moved the
>couch over it so that Hiroshi couldn't get out.

All: Like that’s gonna help…

>Shampoo: "Shampoo hate this place."
>Ranko: "No shit."
>Mousse: "Ranma, he ripped out five pages of the book!

Duo: [As Mousse.] It was our script!

>Those were the ones that tell how to reverse the spell!"

Brandon: And, apparently, the plot…

>Ranma: "Well, we're going to have to go in there and get 'em, then."
>Ukyo: "Basically, you mean you want us to go down there with that thing and commit suicide?"

Ai: [As Ranma.] Well… yeah.

>Ranko: "We DO have to get the pages but let's at least get some weapons first. That thing is strong and
>fast."
>Ranma: "Alright. Ryoga and I will go outside and check the shed. The rest of you get the house."

All but Ryoga: [Waving.] Bye-bye…
Ai: [To Ryoga.] Unless you’re OOC in this fic, you’re screwed…
Ryoga: [Groans.] AH, CRAP!

>Ryoga and Ranma headed for the front door. The rest of the group began to check various places in the
>house.
>* * * * *
>Ryoga: "W-what's that?"

Brandon: [As Ranma.] Ah, don’t worry. It’s just a Deadite out to steal your soul…

>Ranma: "Relax. It was just an owl."
>Ryoga: "Right...are we almost there?"
>Ranma: "Yeah, just keep your hand on my back and not even YOU can get lost."

Ryoga: [Scoffs.] Yeah, right. I’m STILL gonna get lost…

>The two of them slowly walked to the shed, watching around them for any signs of movement. They were
>both scared but Ryoga was the only one who was barely showing it. He kept his hand on Ranma's back.
>When the two of them finally reached the shed, Ranma pulled the door open and they went in, turning on
>the light over their heads.

Duo: [Points to a bloodstain on a vice.] HEY LOOK! It’s Ash’ now-dead-girlfriend, Linda!
Ai: [Looks closely.] You sure?
Duo: Yep!

>They saw various tools they could use. Ryoga grabbed a power drill and Ranma took the chainsaw that
>was on the wall. He pulled the cord to make sure it still worked. Luckily, it did.
>Ryoga: "I'll wait outside."

Brandon: [Turns to Ryoga.] Well, you’re screwed.
Ryoga: [Sobs.] I didn’t even make it with Ukyo…

>Ryoga headed out the door and Ranma grabbed a crowbar and a tire iron off the wall before leaving.
>When he stepped outside, he immediately realized that Ryoga was no longer there. He whispered loudly
>for him.
>Ranma: "Ryoga! Where are you?"
>There was no answer.

Duo: Yeah, knowing Pig-boy here, he’s already somewhere in Tokyo right now.
Ai: [As Ryoga.] WHERE AM I NOW!?!
Brandon: [Shakes his head.] Naah… wasn’t quite good enough. Ryoga? You wanna take a whack at it?
Ryoga: [Clears his throat.] WHERE AM I NOW?!?
All but Ryoga: [Wild applause.]
Ryoga: [Bows.] Thank you, thank you…

>He glanced around nervously and ran for the cabin. He stepped inside to see the others bearing weapons,
>ready to strike if anything threatening were to come in. They lowered their weapons.
>Akane: "Where's Ryoga?"

Ryoga: On the Mike Nelson! HELP ME!!!
Ai: [Hits him.] Be quiet. At least you’ve got free room and board…

>Ranma: "I don't know. He waited for me outside the shed and when I came out, he was gone."
>Ukyo: "Oh no...you don't think that evil thing got him, do you?"
>Ranma: "I sure hope not. We can't worry about him now, though. Come on."
>The seven of them headed for the cellar. Ranma and Kuno pushed it off the door and Ranko swung it
>open, ready to kill. Ukyo went in first, followed by Ranma, then Akane, Ranko, Shampoo, Mousse, and
>Kuno.

Duo: Loading up the cannon fodder…

>They stepped slowly down the stairs, expecting an attack. There was none. Ranma went into the room
>where Kodachi originally found the book and the knife.

Ai: Ooh! Scented candles!

>The pages that had been ripped out were sitting on the table.
>Ranma grabbed them and Hiroshi's hand shot out of the darkness, holding Ranma's wrist tightly and
>digging his fingernails into it.

Brandon: Um… Duo?
Duo: Yes?
Brandon: Is the Deadite curse transmitted by that?
Ai: Well, it was done similarly in Evil Dead II…

>He backhanded Ranma into a wall and the others prepared to strike but Hiroshi was too fast. He slammed
>Kuno into the group, knocking them all down. He turned back to Ranma, who tried to start the chainsaw.

All: [Make false starting sounds.]

>It didn't work. Hiroshi advanced on him and Ryoga jumped down from the ceiling behind him. Hiroshi
>spun around, only to get a drill buried in his eye. He fell to the floor and the group ran for the door, Ukyo
>falling behind. When all but Ukyo got through the door, Ranma headed back to get her but she was
>running up the stairs in the dark. Ranma stepped back to let her get through. Just before she was through
>the doorway, Hiroshi grabbed ahold of her hair and pulled her back.

All: NO!!

>She fell to the ground, screaming. The seven others began screaming for her.
>Ryoga: "Ukyo!"

All: [Shouting in tune with the fic.] UKYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! NO!!!

>He tried to go back down for her but the door slammed shut and stayed shut. He tried beating the door but
>it wouldn't budge. Behind the door, he could hear Hiroshi laughing and Ukyo screaming.

All: [Same as before.] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

>There was a sickening snap and all was silent.

Brandon: [Sobbing.] Ukyo…
Ai: Aren’t we ripping off someone else’s riff?
Brandon: [Blushes.] Whoops! Sorry, Darth Kirby! But… Ukyo’s so cool!
Ryoga: [Sobbing like a woman.] My love…
Duo: [Pitches a bucket of COLD water over to Ryoga.] Calm down, P-Chan.
Ryoga: [Hits the water aside, and flares up.] PREPARE TO DIE DUO!!! [Tackles Duo, and a fight ensues. Duo, of course, loses. Ryoga strikes a victory pose.] Feh, couldn’t tough it out with me, could you?
Duo: [Pile of goo.] Go to hell, bastard…

>They backed away from the door. It was still silent until, suddenly, the door snapped in half and Ukyo's
>mangled body flew through it,

All: [Freaking out.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Ukyo! NOOOOOOOO!!! [Ryoga and Duo break down into tears.]

>followed by Hiroshi. Ranma started up the chainsaw and cut through Hiroshi's midsection, his torso
>hitting the floor. He stopped moving.

Duo: He’d damn well BETTER be dead!!

>* * * * *
>Tatewaki: "How did you get in there, Ryoga?"
>Ryoga: "I guess I got lost when I left the shed so I headed for what I thought was the front door of the
>cabin. It was actually the side. There were double doors that led into the cellar, so I went in and when I
>saw Hiroshi, I hid in the rafters."

Ai: Ah, the classic plot hole…

>Mousse: "I guess we can reverse the spell now. Ranma, the pages."
>Ranma was staring sadly at the rug they had put over Ukyo's body. He handed Mousse the pages and
>turned around, for fear that the others would see him crying over his best friend's death. Akane went to
>comfort him.
>Mousse: "Here we go...hey, these pages are in English. That helps some."

All: [Throws popcorn at the screen.] BOO! Cheap!

>He read over them briefly. His eyes went wide at what he saw.
>Mousse: "Oh shit!"

All: HEY! WATCH THE LANGUAGE, BASTARD! [Pause. Embarrassed laughter.]

>Shampoo: "What?"
>Mousse: "This thing says that once I say the words, the Evil Force will appear in the flesh. Then we have
>to kill it with this knife!"

Brandon: Um… did this guy even WATCH Evil Dead II? Ash ‘killed’ it with his chainsaw!

>Akane: "Isn't there another way?"
>Mousse: "There's NO other way."
>Ranma began twitching.
>Ryoga: "Ranma? Are you ok?"
>Ranma: "God, no! My hand..."

Duo: Oh, god… Well, ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Ash’s counterpart: Ranma Saotome!
Brandon: Well, could be worse… It COULD have been Kuno, or [Shudders.] Ryoga…
Ryoga: [Flares up… again…] BRANDON! TAKE THAT BACK!
Brandon: [Stands up in defiance.] Nope.
Ryoga: Well then, [Charges at him.] PREPARE TO DIE!!!!!
Brandon: [Flares up into Super Saiyan 2.] Try it. [Flips Ryoga over his shoulder, flinging him into the wall.]
Ryoga: Ow… [Slides down.]

>His hand was shaking. The others backed away from him. Black lines grew all over it and it attacked him.
>Ranma fell over, his hand strangling him. He reached for a weapon and grabbed a kitchen knife that
>Akane had dropped. He slammed it right through his hand and into the floor, screaming. He looked with
>rage at his hand.

Ryoga: [Crawling back into his seat.] This…
Ai: …looks…
Duo: …awfully…
Brandon: …familiar.

>Ranma: "YOU LIKE THAT? HUH?"

Ai: [As hand.] Oh, god, YES!!! OH!!!! AAHHHH!!
Brandon: [Reverts to normal, crosses his legs. Embarrassed laughing.] Right… Same dialogue as well.

>The others were mortified at what he just did but were even more sickened by what he did next. He pulled
>the chainsaw cord with his teeth, starting it up.

All: LOOK OUT! [Dodge as blood splatters all over the seats.]

>* * * * *
>Shampoo: "How that happen, Ranma?"

Ryoga: Damn, just add in a ‘Niaho!’ quote from her, and we’d have our Shampoo stereotype!

>It had been about two hours since Ranma cut his evil hand off with the chainsaw. They had attached the
>chainsaw to his wrist after the bleeding stopped. Whenever he moved his arm quick enough, the cord
>would pull and the saw would start up.
>Ranma: "When Hiroshi grabbed me, he dug his nails into me. He must've transferred the evil into my
>hand."
>He noticed the picture in the Necronomicon that Mousse was staring at. There were five people being
>praised by what looked like peasants.

Ai: Ah, crap…

>Ranma: "What's this?"

Brandon: [As Mousse.] It’s called a picture, Ranma. It’s used to illustrate stories and books.

>Mousse: "This tells the story about the five chosen ones who banished the Evil Force centuries ago."
>They sat talking, unknown to all that Ukyo sat straight up, pulling the rug off her.

All but Ai: YAY! Ukyo’s back!
Ai: Well…

>She stood quietly and snuck up behind Shampoo. It was then that Mousse looked up.
>Mousse: "SHAMPOO, LOOK OUT!"
>Before she could move, Ukyo slammed her fist straight through Shampoo's back and held her still-beating
>heart in front of her.

Duo: Aw, dammitt! She killed Shampoo!
Brandon: Well, she WAS after Ranma as well…

>Shampoo's eyes rolled into the back of her head and Ukyo pulled her fist out of her, dropping Shampoo to
>the floor. Mousse jumped at Ukyo with the dagger and tried to stick her with it but she was too strong.
>She slammed his head into the floor, splattering it. All that remained of it was a puddle of blood.

All: Ouchie…

>Ryoga kicked her in the face and pulled out the power drill, grinding it into her temple. Ukyo screamed
>and died.

All: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! NOT AGAIN!

>* * * * *
>Tatewaki: "It's down to the five of us now."

Duo: The author’s favorite characters, I bet.

>Ranko: "We have to finish this before it happens again. Ranma, read the incantation."
>Ranma began reading the pages aloud. The five survivors could hear the Evil Force coming.

Ai: [As the Evil force.] I’m going to swallow your – OW! The damn house is too small!

>He continued to read. The front door burst open and a giant creature's head poked in, snapping at them
>with his large jaws. The wind blew around the room. Ranma kept reading but he dropped the pages when
>the rumbling started.

Ryoga: Way to go, idiot.

>It was much like an earthquake.

Duo: NOT a plot twist, but an incredible simulation!

>The dirt came up from beneath the floor and the windows shattered. Two giant hands came through the
>windows and knocked Ryoga, Ranko, and Kuno on their backs. Each hand grabbed Ranma and Akane.

Brandon: [As the Evil Force.] It’s time to play dollies!
Duo: You mean, ‘Barbie Exploration’-style?
Everyone else: [HITS Duo. HARD.]

>Ranma: "LET GO, YOU FUCK!"
>When the hands brought them closer, Ranma started up the chainsaw and slammed the blade into its eye.
>A thick blue liquid sprayed all over him and it dropped the both of them. The Evil Force's head came all
>the way through, preparing to devour Ryoga.

Ryoga: Considering how the author likes me, I’m not gonna die…

>Before it could, Ranko threw the dagger into its good eye, causing it to back out of the cabin.

Ai: WHAT DAGGER? There’s NO MENTION of a damn dagger!
Brandon: [Massages Ai’s shoulders.] Ssh… relax… It’ll be over soon…

>Ranma finished reading the pages and a blue vortex sprouted out of thin air from outside. It pulled in the
>Evil Force but it didn't stop there. The vortex became stronger, pulling everything in the house into it.
>Ranma flew back and grabbed ahold of the doorframe, holding on for dear life. Akane and the others also
>flew out, each grabbing ahold of the other's legs. It was like a chain.

All: THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBLIVIOUS!
Brandon: Darth Kirby reference!

>Tatewaki: "FOR GOD'S SAKE! HOW DO YOU STOP IT!"
>The doorframe snapped, causing Ranma to let go.

Brandon: Actually, to be a true nitpicker, he wasn’t forced to let go…

>The five of them flew into the vortex. After that, it disappeared.
>
>TO BE CONTINUED
>Author's Notes
>------------------------------
>The "TO BE CONTINUED" obviously indicates that there will be a sequel.

Ai: Evil Dead III: Army of Darkness and Ranma ½…
Duo: Who gets Sheila?

>Questions and comments can be sent to ranma_male@yahoo.com.

All: [Scribble down address for future flame – er, I mean use.]
Brandon: That’s it, then? [Freeze as a LARGE… something… shakes the ship. Everybody is thrown about.]
Duo: WHAT THE HELL?
Ai: Let’s go see what’s the matter! [All run out the theater.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brandon ran into the lounge, sparks and explosions following him. Ai, Duo and Shinji followed, panting with fear. Shinji and Chau stood over by the escape pods, waving them over.

“We gotta get out of here!” the EVA pilot shouted, “The ship’s gonna blow!”

“Wha?” asked Brandon in confusion, “What the hell? Why?”

Ryoga blushed, “Uh, oh.”

All eyes were glaring at the dimwitted martial artist.

Ryoga froze, in embarrassment, “Well… I think I spilled a bit of coffee on the engine room’s main console…”

“Attention…” the main computer announced, “Warp core breech. This ship will explode in 10 minutes.”

Brandon’s anger flared up, “WHAT?” he motioned for the others to get into the escape pods. There were exactly 5 pods. “Daah! Go! Get in! I’ll stay behind and launch them manually.”

Ai began to protest, but was cut off by Duo, “He’s right… we gotta get out of here…” he then dragged Brandon’s girlfriend into a pod, and tried to seal her in.

“I’m NOT going!” Ai screeched, reaching out for him “Not without you!”
Ryoga and Chau got into their respective pods, and Duo quickly followed suit. Ai climbed from her pod, and clung to Brandon, shivering with fear.

“N-no… I…” Ai began to sob, “I can’t leave you. I love you.”

Brandon looked down at Ai, a soft look in his eyes, “Ai…” he said, “I feel like an idiot right now, but…” Brandon paused as he took a small diamond ring from his pocket, “will… you marry me?”

Ai’s eyes seemed to soar and shine as she said the one word that Brandon wanted to hear, “Yes! Oh, god, yes!”

Brandon smiled as he did what, at the moment, seemed to be impossible. He placed the ring on Ai’s finger, and shoved her into the escape pod, closing the door.

“NO!” Ai shouted, pounding on the door, “Don’t!”

Not listening, Brandon pounded on the ‘Launch escape pods’ button, and said, “I love you, Ai Seki.”

Crying, Ai corrected him as her pod began to launch, “That’s Ai Masters. Baka…”

Brandon stood, waving goodbye to his fiancé for a few seconds. The computer, however, decided to interrupt his thoughts, “T-minus two minutes until warp core breech. All hands to emergency escape pods.”

Brandon grinned grimly as he thought of that. Then… his mind locked onto what was going to blow. The warp core…

“Of course!” he exclaimed proudly, “If I eject the core, then the ship will be OK!”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the engine room, consoles sparked. The warp core leaked coolant. Brandon jetted into the room, and skidded to a stop in front of the main console. He flipped up the plastic guard over the ‘Eject Core’ button, and pressed it.

Nothing.

He pressed it again. Still, nothing. Screaming in frustration, Brandon slammed his fist on the button one last time.

Nothing (What did you expect?).

Brandon pushed himself back away from the console, sighing in frustration. There was nothing he could do. He and Ai would never get married… Chau would never exist… The timeline would be screwed… AND, this made him shiver in fear, those perverted Hentai lemon writers would get to go off unpunished!

“Attention.” The computer announced, “Warp core breech. This ship will self destruct in one minute. This is your last chance to press the cancellation button.” there was a pause, “Just kidding.”

Then, it hit him. There was a shuttle in a cargo room next to the Engine room… One built for repairs on the ship, but it could work… Brandon charged off to the left, opening the small door that lead to that room as he went. There it was.

“Thank god…” Brandon sighed as he quickly opened up the shuttle’s rear hatch.

Just as Brandon had leapt into the shuttle, the ship began to quake with its last seconds. He slid behind the console of the shuttle, and began the launch protocols. The Cargo Bay doors were closed. Unopenable.

“Aiming weapons…” Brandon continued, tapping away on the controls, “Firing…”

The weapons fired. Twin beams of lighted death streaked forward and blew away the doors. Just as Brandon began to take off, there was a blinding light.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Duo Maxwell held back tears as he watched the Mike Nelson, his home for little over six weeks, exploded, “Bye, man…” he choked.

Chau Masters, in her own pod, made a sorry attempt to disguise her sorrow and confusion, “Dad…”

Ryoga Hibiki simply sat there, turned away from the view. His eyes were closed, a simple tear sliding down his cheek.

Ai Seki broke down crying on her knees. “Brandon… please, come back… If you don’t, I’ll never forgive you…”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To be continued! DUH!

Anyway, I hope that this was worth the wait! I decided to destroy the Mike Nelson because this was the season finale. BUT, there WILL be a second season! I guarantee it!

S3
The non-Self-Insert-Self-Insert