In the not-to-distant future,
Right here in time and space,
Brandon Masters and his insane friends are caught in a nasty place!
Corralled by the Government-
To test their resolve-
They took the most useless humans available,
And gave them a job!
We'll send them cheesy fanfics,
The worst we can find.
They'll have to sit and watch them all,
And we'll monitor their minds.
Now keep in mind we can't control
How much we get paid.
We'll try to keep our spirits up,
And hope to get laid!
MSTer Roll Call!
Ai Seki! (I'm not a slut!)
Duo Maxwell! (GOD OF DEATH DAMMITT!)
Brandon Masters! (Huh? I'm the #^(&ing AUTHOR!)
Help wanted!!!
Now if you're wondering where they eat and live,
And other science facts,
Just repeat to yourself:
"It's just a fic,
I should really just relax!"
Oh, Mystery Science Theater 2001!
Twwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnggggg!
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[S3’s office. All are lying around, relaxing from… playing
Unreal Tournament, you Hentai! God… anyway, S3, after a while,
coughs and announces…]
S3: [Shuffles papers around.] You’re getting two fanfics today.
All but Dirk & S3: WHAT?
Dirk: Uh… sir? Are you sure that you want to do that?
Duo: [Drops to his knees.] Please… don’t let them be lemons.
S3: Quit worrying. Neither are lemons, or that long either. But, there
is bad spelling.
Ai: Crap. I used to be an editor at ‘Studio Katsudon.’ This
may break me…
Duo: Thank god they aren’t lemons…
Ai: I don’t know… I mean, if it isn’t Gundam Wing,
then we’re OK on the lemon stuff, right?
Duo: [Shivers, and sarcastically says.] Yeah, right. [Pleading voice.]
NEXT time NO GUNDAM LEMONS. I don’t even want to see another Relena/Trowa
pairing again, EVER. I can’t face them without thinking about
that FIC… [Shivers.]
Brandon: [Slyly.] Well… at least it wasn’t a Duo/Heero yaoi
fic.
Duo: [Whirls around to face Brandon.] SHUT UP! Wait… do they [Gulps.]
MAKE those?
Ai: [Smiles.] Over 100 and counting.
Duo: NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
S3: Relax. This lineup is an FF7 fic called ‘A New Enemy’,
followed by a Gundam Wing fic called ‘Driving.’
Duo: Thank god…
S3: GO! Now!
[Sadly, all 3 victims trudge into the theater.]
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>A New Enemy
Ai: Ooh… mysterious.
Brandon: Sounds promising…
>Cloud,Barret,and Vincent Were Drinking Some Hard Liqure
Brandon: Liqure?
Ai: A non-alcoholic beverage?
Duo: It sounds like a Hentai author got a hold of a keyboard and tried
to write a non-lemon.
Ai: And why the hell are ALL of these words capitalized?
>In The New Bar At Rocket Town. When Sephiroth Walks In.
Brandon: Isn’t he dead?
Ai: [Shrugs.] Don’t know, but he WAS the villain in FF7…
Duo: What happened when he walked in?
>Sephiroth: Oh Shit I am gonna get my ass kicked by cloud.
Ai: He’s going to get his ass kicked by a cloud…
Brandon: Cloud Stryfe.
Ai: Then why was his name NOT capitalized?
Duo: I’m confused.
>Vincent: well if it aint shit frute.
Brandon: Count me in for that.
Duo: Frute? What the hell does that mean?
Ai: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! MUST USE ‘DELETE’
KEY!!!
Brandon: Ai, calm down.
>Barret: <burp> Hi Dick Head Get A Pussy Yet Other Than
>Yourself.
Ai: Is that an actual MALE insult?
Brandon & Duo: [Uncontrollably laughing.] BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good
one Barret!
>Vincent: good one barret.
>barret and vincent: Burst Into
Duo: Thousands of tiny pieces all over the disc’s world.
Brandon: Discworld? Is Terry Pratchett here? Twoflower, maybe?
Ai: What the hell are you blabbering about?
>Laughter
>Sephiroth: <sobing> Stop laughing at me (tears go down his
>face).
Duo: Are you SURE he was the villain?
Brandon: Is the author SURE he played Final Fantasy 7?
>Cloud: Shudit i am trying to look at porno sites on my new
>laptop.
Ai: When did the Internet get involved in the Final Fantasy universe?
Brandon: Maybe Al Gore lives there and invented it.
Duo: Did Cloud ever have a laptop?
><Tifa Walks In>
Ai: Look, it’s the slutty whore!
Duo: She’s no whore! She’s just… incredibly easy,
that’s all.
>Tifa: Hey Cloud wanna come over later for some treats.
Brandon: [As Tifa.] I got Oreos!
>Cloud:you mean sex!!!!
Duo: [Raises eyebrows.] Wow, some treat. [Turns to Ai.] Would you
give me a treat?
Ai: [Hits Duo upside the head.] Bastard.
>Tifa:no shit shirloc
Brandon: I know of Sherlock, but who’s shirloc?
Ai: Probably a Hentai’s favorite book hero.
>Cloud: hey sephiroth go fuck arith she wasnt good in bed to me
>so you might like it.
Duo: Eh? Who the hell is arith?
Ai: Traditional guy.
>Barret,Vincent,Cloud, And Tifa : All Burst Into Laughter.
Ai: Was that meant to be an insult?
>Tifa: Cloud I am Gonna Go Come By Soon
>Cloud:well see ya guys i got to go have some fun
Duo: So, Cloud’s being forced to have sex with Tifa?
Brandon: Well, Aeris IS dead.
>Guy from water boy the movie (mysticaly put in ff7 world): YOU
>CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!
Brandon: What? Did we miss something?
Duo: [Sighs.] I hated that movie.
Ai: [Removes her sword from it’s sheath.] Can I be mystically
put into this fanfic? I have some… ‘chopping’ to do.
Duo & Brandon: [Sweatdrops] No objections here.
Duo: [Aside to Brandon] Do we have a choice?
Brandon: [Aside to Duo] Only if we want to die.
>Cloud:Hell Yeah I Can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
Ai: [Shrieks at the top of her voice.] PAGE BREAK!
Duo: [Holds ears in pain.] A little louder next time, maybe? I can still
hear, you know…
Brandon: HUH? I CAN’T HEAR YOU! WHAT DID YOU SAY?
>Later that night.
>Tifa: OH Cloud Give me more MORE MORE
Ai: [As Tifa.] MORE FOOD! I’M PREGNANT, SO I NEED MORE FOOD!!!
>Cloud:damn since when are you a sex crazed maniac all of the
>sudden
Duo: [As Tifa.] Ever since Aeris came on to me.
>Tifa:since i went on a lesbian chat
Brandon: Lesbians, the ultimate excuse!
Ai: [To the tune of ‘Blame Canada.’] ~Blame Lesbians! Blame
Lesbians!~
Duo: I happen to like them, though…
>and some one thare said they wanna have a foursom with You
>And Me
>Cloud: that whould be a threesom
Ai: [As Tifa.] BLAME LESBIANS!
>Tifa: She Is Bringing another girl
>Cloud: SWEEEEEEET!!!! i am gonna complete almost every
>mans dream
>Tifa: whats that
Brandon: [As Cloud.] To assassinate Fidel Castro and become a pimping
bigamist!
Ai: [Removes her sword form it’s sheath.] WHAT WAS THAT?
Brandon: Uh… make that: marry Ai Seki and get an RX-79 (G) Gundam
Ez8!
Ai: [Puts sword back.] That’s better. ^_^
Duo: [Shakes his head] Man, you’re whipped Brandon.
>Cloud: a foursom with 1 guy and 3 girls.
Brandon: That’s not my dream…
Ai: You already told me yours… ^_^
Duo: [Pouts.] Lucky bastard.
>Tifa: (Gigles) you better do me hard
>Cloud: i will
>all of the sudden tifa turns into a beast and kills cloud
Brandon: Um…
Duo: Uh…
Ai: Am I missing something?
Duo: Nope.
Brandon: So, Tifa’s been a monster that thrives on sexual energy
ALL THIS TIME?
>THE END
[Screen goes blank. All 3 MSTers leave the theater.]
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[S3’s office. Heh, like this could be anywhere else. Anyway,
S3 is leaning back in his chair, and is snoring slightly. Brandon and
Ai are making out in one of the room’s corners. Duo is chatting
away with Dirk.]
Duo: So, Dirk, you ever get lucky?
Dirk: Yep, several times.
Duo: [Shocked.] NO! With who?
Dirk: [Coughs.] Uh… Let’s see… Tempest –
Duo: Had her. Hey, Brandon?
Brandon: [Tears his lips away from Ai for a split second.] Yes? [Resumes
kissing.]
Duo: Do you know a lady named Tempest?
Brandon: [Muffled.] Yeph.
Dirk: You ‘do it’ with her?
Brandon: Mmmm… [Pause as Brandon breaks away from Ai again.] No,
not to say that she didn’t try to get me in bed…
Dirk: Anyway, uh… Christina Agulara …
Duo: Slut. AND, I’ve had her too.
Dirk: …and, Brittany Spears.
Ai: [Breaks away from Brandon] So have I.
Brandon: [Shocked.] MY GIRLFRIEND BANGED BRITANY SPEARS? Wow…
[Resumes swapping spit.]
Duo: [Laughs.] I’ll never look at either of them the same way
AGAIN.
S3: [Snaps awake.] Gyaa! Uh… Go watch ‘Driving,’ now!!
Brandon: [Stops kissing Ai.] Damn. Are we getting a raise soon?
S3: NO!
Ai: But…
S3: Well, we just got a 300% budget boost, so… [Everyone leans
in expectantly.] GUEST MSTERS ARE COMING!
All: [Facefault.]
Duo: Wow. I’ve been in a serious anime for so long, I forgot what
that felt like.
Brandon: Does this mean we’re anime characters now?
Duo: What do you mean ‘WE’?
Ai: Yeah! I am, DUO is, but YOU aren’t at ALL.
Brandon: Aw…
S3: GO!
[All 3 enter that dreadful theater.]
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>Driving
>By UNICORNGIRL 13
Duo: [Incredulously.] How many ‘UNICORNGIRLS’ are there?
Brandon: I hope they’re as common as real unicorns.
>AN:
Ai: This person it too lazy to write ‘Author’s Notes.’
Duo: We’re doomed.
>Ah, my first normal fanfic!
Brandon: [Raises an eyebrow.] There are others?
>^-^ Here the Gundam Pilots_try_to get drivers’ lisences…
That’s
>a scary thought.
Ai: No, a scary thought is that the ‘Tomb Raider’ movie
has a sequel coming already.
>Please r/r! ^-^
Bryan: [Sweatdrops.] This person is too cheery.
>“I don’t need a car!” Duo protested as he plopped
into a seat in
>Relena’s limo, “I have a Gundam!
Ai: [As Relena.] Have you seen the price of diesel fuel? Over a buck-fifty
a gallon!
>Deathscythe’ll take me anywhere I need to go!” Relena
shook her
>head firmly. “Duo, you need a car. I’m sick of everyone
calling,
>screaming that Gundams were flying overhead, and they were
>worried for their lives.
Brandon: I didn’t know that Gundams could fear for their lives…
Ai: Neither did I.
Duo: Same here, and I own one!
>You need to blend in.” “They’ll still be worried
for their lives
>with Duo driving.
Duo: HEY!
>And Duo can’t blend in, that’s for certain,”
Heero muttered, as he
>stared out the window. He had been as stubborn as Duo until
>Relena had insisted it was a mission and Zechs threatened to fire
>him from his Preventer’s job if he didn’t cooperate.
Ai: Damn, that was a long sentence…
Brandon: Whatever happened to the rules of punctuation?
>Heero wasn’t good at anything but combat,
Brandon: [Raises his eyebrow again.] Several thousand Hentai writers
say differently.
>and he wasn’t about to lose his job over a driver’s
license, so he
>agreed. “I actually don’t know why I need a driver’s
license…”
>Quatre said, sighing, “I can had Rashid drive me wherever
I
>want.”
Ai: What the hell is with Quatre? “I can had…?”
>”Some of us aren’t so lucky,” Duo snapped,
Brandon: In half.
Duo: HEY! Something’s telling me that I’m getting insulted
A LOT here.
Ai: Duh.
>obviously in a bad mood. Quatre bit his lip, and said in a
>apologetic voice,
Ai: Through the blood.
>”Gomen.” Trowa glared at Duo for upsetting his best
friend.
Brandon & Duo: Lover.
>”I can’t believe I am doing this, this, this injustice!
Ai: Um… one “this” is enough.
>Nataku is perfectly suitable for taking me where I want to go.
I
>am being bossed around by a weakling ONNA!
Brandon: Oops, caps lock is stuck on.
>Relena glared at him. “I am not a weakling woman!”
she yelled,
>“Isn’t that right, Hee-kun?”
Duo: Oh, sure. Ask for confirmation on that.
>Heero sighed and nodded, clearly annoyed by everyone at the
>moment. “It’s also right that Duo is being increasingly
annoying,
>and that Quatre is a stupid baby,
Brandon: Ooh, strong words.
>and Trowa is so quiet I almost prefer Duo talking, and if Wufei
>rants one more time I’m going to kill everyone in this car!”
Ai: He MUST have big lungs.
Duo: Or a third lung.
Brandon: Or play a French horn in band.
>Heero sighed in contentment, at peace with the world once more.
>Everyone stared at him, however they wisely decided not to ask
>any questions. “Here’s the school!”
Duo: We’re all dead, aren’t we?
>Relena chirped after a few minutes of silence.
>
Brandon: PAGE BREAK!
>The limo pulled into the parking lot.
>“Mr. Wufei Chang,”
Ai: Whoa! Fast service!
>the driving instructor said in a bored voice, “It’s
your turn to take
>a driving lesson. Please follow me.” Wufei nodded, and walked
>out of the waiting room with him.
Duo: Um… did the limo pull into the waiting room?
Brandon: This is a lot faster than the local DMV.
Ai: Wow.
>“The first thing you need to do, Mr. Chang,” the teacher
>continued, “Is turn on the car. Do this by-” “I
know what to do!”
>Wufei announced, “What do you think I am, a weakling
>woman?”
All: Hmm… let us think… YES!
>Wufei turned the engine on and hit the gas pedal.
Brandon: INTENSE DRIVING ACTION!
>They raced out of the parking lot. Wufei and the instructor calmly
>drove down the street. Suddenly, a car pulled out right in front
of
>Wufei, cutting him off. “NANI?! THIS IS AN
Ai: Example of what happens when the caps lock is left on.
>INJUSTICE! I WAS HERE BEFORE YOU!” Wufei shouted out
>of the window,
Brandon: He fixed it!
>“JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED!”
Duo: Looks like you spoke too soon.
>30 minutes later…
>”Your turn, Mr. Quatre Winner.”
Brandon: [As Quatre.] That’s Master Quatre to you!
>the instructor said nervously, timidly glancing at the enraged
>Wufei who was stomping back to his seat. After yelling at the
>driver who had cut him off, Wufei and the other man had gotten
>into a fight. The other driver
Ai: Quickly kicked Wufei’s ass.
>was currently in the hospital in stable condition. Quatre waved
>nervously to his friends and followed the instructor to the car.
>The instructor explained to Quatre how to turn on the car, and
>Quatre did so.
Duo: Aw! He gave the car chocolates and got it into bed with him.
Brandon: Wha?
Duo: He turned the car ON.
Ai: [Hits Duo upside the head.] Bastard.
Brandon: Uh oh.
Ai & Duo: What?
Brandon: We’ve got a running joke.
Ai: Crap.
>“Now press down on the gas pedal,” the instructor said,
“And
>don’t forget to shift the gears into reverse.” Unfortunately,
Quatre
Duo: Being a dumbass.
>thought he had to shift the gears into reverse after hitting the
gas
>pedal.
Ai: Joke coming in on runway 5. Joke, you are cleared for landing.
>And due to his nervousness, he slammed the gas pedal to the
>floor instead of pushing it.
Brandon: Bad joke coming in 5…4…3…2…1…
>The car slammed into the wall.
Duo: Um… what wall?
Brandon: [As a Mexican guy.] Plot? We don’ need no stinkin’
plot!
>30 minutes later…
>”Gomen, gomen, gomen, gomen…” Quatre said worriedly.
>“That’s… alright…” the instructor
said.
Duo: [As the Instructor.] I’m now sterile, lost both my legs,
and a thumb, but it’s ok!
>He had finally gotten out of the hospital with only a broken arm.
>He backed away from the apologetic Quatre and called out, “Mr.
>Barton… I-it’s y-your t-turn.” Trowa nodded and
quietly
> followed the instructor out.
>5 minutes later…
Brandon: What we have here is a VERY lazy fanfic author.
>The instructor smiled happily. So far, nothing had gone wrong.
Ai: Yet… [Cackles evilly.]
>Trowa was an excellent driver. Suddenly, a squirrel bounded in
>the path of the car, and Trowa slammed on the brakes. The
>instructor, who had forgotten to wear his seatbelt, went flying
>into the windshield.
Duo: Is the window 3-dimentional? Cool!
>”Gomen, but I can’t hurt an animal. You understand,
right?”
>Trowa asked quietly.
Brandon: Try telling that to your leather shoes!
>30 minutes later:
>”Gomen,” Trowa said, quietly walking to his seat. The
instructor
>gingerly touched his forehead, which had a large bandage on it.
>At least his skull hadn’t been cracked open…
Ai: Yet…
>”Mr. Maxwell, it’s your turn…” he said,
glancing up at the
>braided boy. “Okey-dokey! See ya guys later!” Duo said,
>bouncing out the door.
Brandon: And hitting his head on the doorframe on the way out.
Duo: HEY!
Brandon: Hehehehe…
>”Somehow, I feel sorry for that instructor,” Heero
said, and the
>others nodded in agreement.
>”Mr… Maxwell…” the instructor said, gripping
onto the dash
>board, “Who t-tauhgt you to d-drive like this?” Duo
accelerated
>even more. “Mr. Maxwell… you’re going too fast…”
the
>instructor yelped, looking at the speedometer, “If you don’t
slow
>down the engine will fall apart-“
Brandon: Duo, is it me or does this remind me of an old ‘Star
Trek’ episode?
Duo: Same here.
Brandon: [As Duo as Captain Sulu from Star Trek VI] Fly her apart then!
Ai: Ohh… great double impersonation! You know, I bet that the
engine falls apart, and the Instructor gets hurt.
>”Don’t worry about it!” Duo said, concentrating
on his driving,
>“Shinigami can handle this!” “Sir you’re
not Shinigami!” “I am
>too!” “SIR SLOW DOWN!”
Duo: Who’s talking?
Brandon & Ai: Caps lock is stuck on again.
>Suddenly the engine made a loud banging sound and the car
>slammed to a stop.
Ai: When that happened to MY car, it coasted until it ran out of momentum.
Brandon: Really? Maybe the car's out of that, too.
>Right on some railroad tracks.
Duo: Gee what ARE the odds?
>”Man that was fun!” Duo said gleefully. Suddenly they
were
Brandon: NOOO! Not more poor grammar!
>a loud honking noise, and watched as a train came towards them.
>Guess we’d better exit!” Duo said, dashing out of the
car. The
>instructor attempted to take off his seatbelt, however it was stuck.
>“Oh dear…” he whispered as the train came steadily
forward…
Ai: I called it!
Brandon & Duo: [Bowing.] We’re not worthy!
>30 minutes later…
>”I told you to exit, but you didn’t listen,” Duo
said in an
>exasperated tone. The instructor waddled in after him, wrapped
>up in bandages like a mummy.
Duo: Ihmotep! It’s the bald mummy from ‘The Mummy’
and ‘The Mummy Returns!’
>The hospital staff said it was a miracle he survived. “Mr.
Yuy,
>your turn,” he said, though his voice was a bit muffled since
>several bandages covered it. “Mission accepted,” Heero
said, and
>walked after him to the car. The instructor sighed with relief.
At
>least he sounded serious, not like a maniac…
Brandon: [As Heero.] He don’t know me very well, do he?
>”That one is not getting any driver’s lisence…”
the instructor
>muttered to himself.
Ai: Hold everything, do these guys even have permits?
>Luckily, Heero was doing a wonderful job driving. Heero
>unfortunately heard this, and thought the instructor ment him.
>“Mission failed,” he said in a dangerous tone, and reached
for a
>small red button.
Duo: [As Instructor as ‘K’ from ‘Men In Black.’]:
Don’t ever, EVER, push that button kid.
>The instructor’s eye’s widened. “Sir, don’t
press that-“
>Suddenly, the car self-detonated.
Ai: So, Heero’s dead?
Duo: I doubt it.
Brandon: I bet the instructor bit it.
>30 minutes…
>”He should’ve been specific that he ment Duo and not
me,”
>Heero said defensively as he, the other pilots, Relena, and Zechs
>looked at the instructor’s tombstone.
Ai & Brandon: You called it.
>“I’m never letting you guys drive anything else, understood?”
>Zechs muttered.
>---
Brandon: Is it over?
>Owari!
Brandon: Damn.
>Hahaha, it has been finished! Personally I think it’s funny…
All: We don’t!
>Anyway, here’s a few refrences…
>Nani: What
>Onna: Woman
>Owari: The End
>Ja ne: See you
>-Kun: You know where Relena called Heero ‘Hee-Kun?’
It
>follows the name of a boy the same age of you or younger.
>Well, E-mail any comments to me! Ja ne!
Duo: [Pouts.] HEY! There’s no address!
[House lights come up. The three guinea pigs walk out.]
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[S3’s office. It’s Kareoke time!!!]
S3: SING DAMMITT!!
Brandon: Do we HAVE to sing?
S3: YES DAMMITT!!!
All: [Groans.]
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The end.