How to Make Yourself Miserable...
When you just don't care anymore...
And Jill Went Tumbling After:
Too often does the individual become obsessed with the ongoing “pursuit of happiness.” Happiness exists only as an intangible, indefinite ideal. Like chasing ones shadow into the sun, the goal, only a step away, is forever unattainable. Certainly, everyone holds ambitions that, once met, will bring them satisfaction, fulfillment, completion. Until something better comes along. Without a doubt, getting that brand new car you always wanted will solve all your problems. But what happens when the guy down the street comes home with a Lamborghini? Won’t you even be the least bit jealous?
That which one will never attain is boundless. That which one has already achieved is finite. The solution is clear! Forsake the whimsical search for happiness! Instead, take up the noble pursuit of complete and total misery. This worthy, and more importantly, achievable, objective lies within our reach! Rather than futilely chasing an infinite number of goals, focus on just one: destroying the limited number of things which you already have. It shouldn’t be all that hard, considering that your life probably isn’t as good as you initially thought it was. With a few simple steps, you can be well on your way to a lifetime of self-torture and humiliation.
To achieve any degree of success, one must first be in the proper mindset. With time and practice, even the brightest optimist can develop effective brooding habits. Rather than venting random anxieties over the course of a given week, best results can be achieved by bottling them up until the ideal moment – Sunday afternoon. This is the perfect opportunity to dwell on your miseries, not to mention plans for the weekend that never came to fruition. Let yourself be swept away by despair as you contemplate the wonderful awfulness of the week to come.
Since human nature discourages any prolonged period of intense depression, time is of the essence! While the emotions are still fresh, find the driest pen or the dullest pencil possible (for dramatic effect) and preserve your anguish in writing. Be sure to include anxieties, fears, ineptitudes, failings, worries, faults, reservations, etc. Describe your unsatisfying relationships, your backstabbing friends, your wretched job, your sub-par academic performance, your overall physical unattractiveness, and any other notable shortcomings you might have.
If this process produces nothing else, be sure to come away with one or two solid, tangible anxieties. Most worries will suffice, but a truly substantial anxiety not only has devastating consequences, but is also completely out of your realm of influence. The longer your anxiety can remain unresolved and unaddressed, the better.
Take radiation, for example. No matter how many laps you run, no matter how
healthy your diet is, cancer is going to catch up to you eventually. When was the last time you used a microwave, a television, a radio? Tiny radioactive particles are shooting through your body, sprouting tumors like Johnny Appleseed. Or maybe they aren’t. You won’t know for twenty or thirty years, leaving you decades of miserable uncertainty and fear. Even better, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Unless you choose to live in a sealed lead box, in which case you would die a slow agonizing death from either suffocation or lead poisoning.
You are not what you eat! You are what eats at you! Dedicate every waking moment to the development of your anxiety. Your life, your success, and your overall happiness are doomed from the start, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it! Anything that leads you to believe otherwise is merely a distraction, and should be disposed of as soon as possible, like relationships.
See also: employment
See also: dreams
Unless you know precisely what stands between you and your goal of absolute wretchedness, your efforts will amount to nothing more than mild depression. Just like selling Girl Scout cookies, the best place to start is with your family and friends. So long as you remain mired down by these meaningful relationships, your companions will relentlessly undermine your efforts with their sympathy and reassurance. You must break free of these hollow bonds and learn to avoid the pitfalls of “commitment” and “compromise.” Admittedly, relationships are give-and-take, but whoever takes the most wins every time.
Destroying relationships isn’t nearly as hard as it might sound, considering that they all share the same flaw: you! In fact, you really can’t go wrong, since whatever you do will inevitably irritate your companions. For example, if you constantly complain about how unsuccessful you are, your friends will quickly become annoyed. To avoid their eventual forgiveness, switch gears and brag incessantly about how great you are. Inconsistency is crucial! If anyone ever complains about your lack of dedication, turn around and try to force a commitment on the spot. You will be alone in no time.
Now that you are finally by yourself, you are ready to tackle the next pillar of stability and reliability of your former life - employment. Getting your employer to cooperate can be tricky, assuming that he hired you for one or more redeeming qualities. The challenge lies in convincing him that your incompetence warrants the time and effort he must invest in replacing you. Showing up late, doing a lousy job and talking back to your boss might get you fired eventually, but the fast track to unemployment lies in the customer. Without customers, there is no business, therefore, no employment. If you simply ignore them, they will eventually leave you alone and not come back. Better yet, they might even confront your manager, who will then proceed to physically remove you. Savor the feeling of victory as your face hits the pavement!
The foundation is nearly gone, so with just a little more effort, you can bring your entire life tumbling down around you. Basically, all that you have left is your dreams for the future. Don’t be afraid to hold on to these for a little while, because there is nothing the world loves more than the taste of really sweet dreams. In fact, you should grasp your dreams as tightly as you can, so that they slip through your fingers all that much faster.
Think about it. Jack meets Jill. Jack marries Jill. Jack and Jill move into a decrepit apartment and have a bunch of ugly kids. Jack sits at home and watches television while Jill works ten hours a day to support the family. Jill runs off with the mailman, the ugly kids drop out of school, and Jack is left alone. Jack gets old and dies. Alone.
YOU ARE JACK!!!
Congratulations!!! You have achieved a state of complete and total misery. Sit back and laugh at the rest of the world as it goes through the meaningless motions of life, not understanding what it is all about. You understand. You have found true meaning in your life. You exist to serve as a warning to others, so that they can change course once they see how badly you have foundered on the rocks of reality.
-SKILLET-
ZOLOFT - WHEN YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT WHAT'S WRONG, YOU CAN HELP MAKE IT RIGHT
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