Testing is the stupidest thing in the world. I mean it doesnt even matter to us whats on these tests but yet we still have to take them. Oh well I guess but then all the Juniors and Seniors get to leave and then thats just not cool. Oh well tomorrow @ lunch and in Biology are going to be fun-hehe!!! Gotta go teach my little girls though. So you have a great day and talk to you later!!!!!!
Jilynn
February 16
Yeah so.... duh I dont know what to write. How shitty is this. Oh well I guess theres not much more to expect from me b/c in reality Im shitty. But it doesnt matter anymore. Well it never mattered but its okay I guess Ill just learn to live with it. Its amazing how you answer one question and everything in your life changes. I mean I should have been able to see through all their shit and yet I still dont- I should know better. When I finally trust them enough to tell them anything they tell what it seems like everyone and then wonder why I never tell anyone anything. Well screw it Im not going to tell anyone shit anymore- and thats going to have to be their damn problem b/c Im tired of getting in trouble when I tell anyone anything. Plus its not like they feel like shit forever and have to finally pull themselves outta it- theyre not the ones who have enough problems as it is. I mean they can just go on w/ thier lives and not worry about the problem after that. But that doesnt get to happen to me. I get to deal w/ the punishment as much as the problem and then have their feelings on top of mine b/c even though no one knows I care more about otehrs then I do myself but hey Ive decided no one knows me and no one ever will- and then I still have to live my daily life and act like I like it or else everyone gets mad @ me and says I need an attitude adjustment. When all I really need is a vacation away from everyone and thier damn problems. But I guess Ill never get that Ill just have to sit here and be strong about the whole thing and happy @ the same time Im trying to figure out what the hell Im going to deal w/ it all. Not that anyone care- well not that anyone reads this but what the hell ever Im tired of caring. Have a great day someone in the world has too.
Jilynn
February 19
Hey hey whats up? Alrighty I ahve a major problem I dont know what Im going to do I wanna go to Alta but I dont know what to do. Heres a chart thing of the pros and cons
Going to Alta
| Pros |
Cons |
|---|
| I know lots of people |
I know lots of people |
|---|
| I could make dance company |
I could make dance company @ jordan b/c theyre all seniors and will be leaving enxt year |
|---|
| Ill be with Chris |
I dont a lot of the people @ Alta |
|---|
| Ill make new friends |
Ill be leaving friends @ Jordan |
|---|
| I would be a Hawk |
I have to go through all the hassle of trying to register @ Alta |
|---|
|
My parents would be happy |
|---|
|
I know Jordan and I dont know Alta (as in the building and where classes and stuff are |
|---|
Well thats all I have for now I know Ill think of more though but later!!!!
Jilynn
February 25
I really hate my sister. I mean people arent suppost to hate the people they live w/ as much as I hate her. I wanna go snowboarding this would be a perfect time to go too. Ehh on well I guess. My father said he would take me but hes not a dependable person so that just sucks for me. Yeah my hair is funny looking. Oh well I kinda like it although it does look funny. Umm theres really nothing to talk about so but I have to talk my mom into letting me go to Alta. But itll be awesome b/c then Ill get my permit tomorrow and have her go to Alta and get it signed and then fill out all of my registration shit there then in May I can try out for dance company and hopefully Ill make it and itll all be good. Then next year will be the funnest year ever!!!! Hehe but theres not much more to say so bye bye.
Jilynn
February 28
Technically tomorrow would be our 11 month anniversary but b/c theres really no 29th day in February this month thats not possible. But whatever not that anyon cares. I dont know I guess Im just not happy. I mean I dont know I guess. Im just tired of giving into everyone else. But Im also tired of ruining things for other people and I just wish I could fix a couple of things but I guess thats not possible b/c I dont know peoples reasonings and it just makes life difficult. But I dont know.
My class went good tonight though that makes me extremely happy. I was scared but it went so good. I made of 5 sets of 8 counts in one night- Im damn amazing. But I taught it to them and they caught on really fast but now I have to do the rest of the dance. They only have like 12 sets of 8 and thats sad b/c theyve been learning this dance since after Christams. I dont know though. But I have a bunch to make up in the next couple of days but I like the girls and they love the dance so. But I just had fun I guess. But theres really nothing to write about and I should go to bed.
Jilynn
April 9
I dont know why I do the stupid shit I do. God I dont know why I dont make sense its not my fault and I try hard to not do it but I just want to be the one thats loved. I mean I get shit all the time but no one I dont know I guess I know Im loved and everything but sometimes its more than that sometimes there needs to be something else there and I dont know what it is but I sure do bC then maybe it would be a lot easier to explain to other people b/c I know that no one can understand. I dont know how to explain it and its killing me b/c Im just hurting people b/c I can never be satisfied. I dont know!!!!!! AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! Why cant I just be a lot less complicate b/c then things wouldnt hurt so bad. I know I shouldnt care what others are feeling if its not my fault bu tI cant help but blame myself b/c I always feel as though Im the problem and I try to convince myself otherwise and I just cant and its killing me and I dont know what to do and............... God I have the biggest problem and I wish I could figure it out. Im trying my best to be a good person and it just always seems to fail. I dont know what to do anymore b/c I cant keep trying and failing @ least once I would just like to have things be completely unexpected and let it take me by full surprise b/c then maybe I would be happy b/c then maybe I would feel as if I mattered and that people do think about me when Im not around. I dont know I guess I just have self esteem issues that I need to stop relying on other people to help me though b/c they never pull through. I guess its just a waste of time dealing w/ other people b/c they are usually just as emotional as I can get and I need to rely on myself more and no so much on other people. But then again I know how much that will hurt some people but cant keep trying to make myself happy all the time and other people b/c I feel like Im failing in every aspect and I cant handle the disappointment from people anymore. I know this is just rambling but its what I think and thats confusing to me and I kinda understand myself. Oh well though if youre actaully reading this then you have mental problems b/c your one of my friends and that doesnt say a lot.
Jilynn
April 11- I think
Theres nothing too interesting going on here just chill. I dont wanna go to bed but i know i should so this might end up short. Yeah I dont guess I just wish I could figure out my problem and then get over it. I really wanna trust Chris and the sad thing is is that hes one of the only peopl I do trust. I mean it may only be a little bit but its better than nothing but I know he wants more and I dont know how to give it to him. I really wish I could but its so hard for me. I mean Im not the best person @ just telling people things I mean sure advice and shit like that but when it comes to things I love and things that hurt and everything like that its like i instantly close up and theres nothing anyone can do about it. I do it w/ everyone. I mean first theres my fathers and I dont know what to do about any of that b/c its not my fault that theyre both jackasses and dont know how to raise a child and Im the thing caught in the middle. Then theres my friends- theres the ones I get along w/ and trust and tell eveything to but most of them move or you have my two favorite instances- first Erica and I know I shouldnt have gotten hurt by the things she did but I did and yes they do still hurt- I mean she stole my BF that she knew everything about him. She was the one I turned too to tell everything about him. She was the only one that knew about us dating for a long time and she knew how much I liked him and then she went behind my back and tried to take him and he went along w/ it. Then Chelsie and she I dont know she knew everything going on in my life and she did help until she got mixed up w/ dad and now shes a druggy and is never around when anyone needs her and the best part is shes using things Ive told her to get me to do things to get her her shit and i cant do that. I mean she knows how i helped other people and no Im the one she comes to to get her shit and I cant handle it. Trusting people isnt me- I dont like feeling like Im have to depend on another and I think that if they dont know my problems and Im handling them fine than theres nothing to worry about. I dont feel like I have to lean on everyone and I can live if everyone left b/c thats my worst fear is being alone and if it came down to that I have to know that I can make it on my own w/out anyone there guiding. I have to know that I can make it when I feel there is no one else there. I know its dumb and I dont care b/c thats the way I feel and if people have problems w/ that then theres nothing they can do about it b/c its my goddamn life and Im going to do what i think is good for me and thats all i should care about. I mean i love chris and i hope someday soon i can trust him enough to tell him everything and anything but i dont want another person to feel sorry for me and make my problems their only concern. So yes its going to take me some time-probably lots of it and I hope he knows how sorry i am about it but theres nothing i or anyone else can do except let it do whatever. Peace out.
Jilynn
April 15
My friends always told me
That you would make me cry
My friends always told me
That you would always lie
My friends always told me
That I will find some one new
But my friends never told me
My heart will always want you.
Yeah we all know how dumb my friends are and even if they want to have someone else I want only one person. He may not believe it @ times but itll always be the truth no matter what happens.
April 17
Duh I cant stand him anymore. Awww hes such an asshole and yet everyone is wanting me to be his friend. Duh Im not going to put up w/ his shit for much longer i only have 2 more years then im going to college and i wont have to deal w/ him anymore. Not that anyone cares everyone goes off doing their own thing. Whatever Im sure i can find someone to hang out w/ but thats taking a large chance and im not sure i want to get all mixed up in a big thing and then people would just get mad so i probably want to stay away from that idea. Umm peopel suck. I hate them. Thats what ive decided. Everyone can die and go to hell and i wouldnt feel sorry for not one person on this earth. Theyll all so fake- everyone is even when they not to be they are it must be the human nature but its the truth. Everyones has a mission in life and some try to make it seem as though theyre not trying to get other peoples attention but in all reality theyre probably the people that need it the most. People are just fake and theres nothing more to it. I mean Im tired of it and yes i be the first to admit yeah i can be fake sometimes and that doesnt matter to be b/c i know when im being real and some people get so caught up in the lie that they dont know when theyre telling the truth. Yeah not that it matters. People are just dumb. Theres nothing more to it. Whatever. Well I hope everyones spring break is going better than mine but whatever I guess it doesnt really matter.
Jilynn
April 19
Yeah this weekend has more than sucked. But its all good i guess. I dont know i just cant have fun even though i want too. I mean ive tried and things sure have been fun but its just that i feel alone even though im surrounded by people. I mean theres 12 people are around me as of this vert moment and yet i havent felt this alone in a long time. I mean the one person so far whos actually cared enough about me to actually try and get to know the real me- all of me is like hundreds of miles away and is having a great time w/ his cousin and im so happy for him and i love it that hes actually having fun. I dont know i guess this is just something im going to have to deal w/ on my own b/c for one thing i dont wanna bother him w/ all my problems right now but i dont want him to feel as though im pushing him away i just want him to have fun and not be thinking about my problems but its almost like i cant help feeling like shit. I mean no one has even tried to see whats wrong but i guess i shouldnt expect much from them considering the fact that theyre all absorbed in their own lives but then if they actually really cared about something other than themselves i guess we would have to die of surprise. Oh well I can handle it I guess. Im just tired of being lied too- I mean i feel so betrayed right now and i cant help it. I mean people just think that they can lie to me about anything they please and then when i find out they act as though i shouldnt be mad @ them for lying to me. I mean in the last week Ive found out a bunch of shit and i hate it b/c that just means that not only one person but a lot of people have lied to me about the same thing and then awww just thinking about it makes me want to cry b/c it hurts so bad and i cant tell anyone anything b/c part of me thinks its true and another part of me thinks its not and i dont know b/c the more i learn the less i wanna know and yet i feel as though i need to know b/c then i can better myself and i hate it b/c i know its going to ruin a relationship and i dont know what im going to do if its all true but i dont know how to figure out if its true or not and i dont know. I just cant deal w/ this stress anymore but theres no one to talk too. I dont know i guess right i hate myself for thinking stupid thoughts that i do but it just comes and its doesnt stop. I dont know. I guess I dont know. I just have nothing to say to anyone b/c i feel so hurt but i cant live like this but i cant tell anyone. I know the things they lied about might have been little but its still the matter that they lied and i dont know. I cant explain what i want to-i could last night but imagine that Christa was being a bitch and wouldnt let me use the computer and i cant remember what i was thinking anymore. Well I guess this is pointless and no one really cares but it gives me something to wrote and tell my feelings too b/c i cant live like this w/ no one to tell anything too. Its sucks. I hate this so much. Oh well i guess its nothing.
Jilynn
April 20
Why isnt this an exciting day for all the pot heads out there. Actually not really but its all good.
Yeah today has sucked actaully my whole life seems to suck. I cant make the one person happy and hes the one that i want to make happy the most. Sometimes I wish I wasnt born. Im the one paying for other peoples mistakes and i cant take the pain anymore. I cant turn to anyone and it hurts so bad and theres not a damn thing i can do about it. I hate this my mom is to involved in her own life to care about us kids and i hate it and i cant tell her b/c i cant and hate this feeling and i cant do anything about it and even if i did it would only change for a little while i mean ive done it already and its all back to the way it was and theres nothing i can do about it. I mean im sure i could just end it b/c it wasnt my fault i was began but its their fault and its their fault i cant handle all this pain- i cant keep up this game. I cant. They have no respect and yet im suppost to give it to them. All i want to do right now is go and get so fucked up and have them find out- they dont know how good they have it w/ me and they take it all for granted and still treat me like shit and i cant handle it anymore. I cant handle the pain, the lies, the betrayal, I cant do this anymore i cant. Why me? Why do I have to suffer and no one gives a shit? Why? I cant do this anymore but theres no where else to turn and i........
July 12
I dont know what Ive done wrong or why I am the way I am. For once I would like to be liked. I dont mean popular by any means but I would like it for once someone chose someone else over me or that people actually liked me. I thought I was an okay person but when it comes to the way people treat me I feel like crap and I dont know why I get what I get. I mean I know the world isnt right or whatever but for once I would like to be the "perfect" person- the one everyone knows and likes and not just the one who knows everyone and remembers names. Or the person who people go to when THEY have a problem. I mean its okay they trust me w/ thier problems but I dont know why they come to me. Probably b/c Ill listen and I try to give advice back. Im the one willing to help and give my time to try and figure something out. I feel too much and I get to caught up in things and sometimes it only hurting me when I try to help them. But the second have a problem for my life is shitty no ones around and Im alone. I guess thats when I hate myself the most and feel so shitty I dont think I cna stand it anymore is when no one seems to have time for me. I know people have other friends and everything but I hate being alone and when everyone else is out w/ their friends and having fun and Im having problems or troubles I have no one to turn too-its when everything gets to me and I cant stand life anymore. Being alone is something that most of the time is okay w/ me b/c then I dont have to deal w/ everything but beign lonely is different and thats what Im scared of most and it seems thats where Ive started ending up. Everyone else has something else to do or someone who is more interesting than me and I get left in the dust or ditched or something and I have no where to turn. I dont know what I did but for one day I wish that things could different or that I could change them b/c if things keep going the way theyre going than I dont know how much disappointment and loneliness I can take b/c it tears me up every time. I guess Im babbling now. Ehh whatever.
July 22
I wish I could just make him happy. I try and I never ever succeed or @ least thats what it seems. Hes always pissed @ me or irritated w/ me and what kind of relatioship is that? I just wish we could both be happy and we wouldnt keep going through this. I cant take it anymore he doesnt tell me anything but I guess thats fair dince I dont either but I hate bothering him w/ my problems. I dont know what to do other than sit here and watch us fight and drift so far apart that things will never be happy for either of us unless were without each other b/c thats what itll come to and i dont want it to but thats life and i can already see everything happening. I guess all I have are my tears and my pillow to catch them b/c I have no one else.
Jilynn
August 16
Ive been hurting just as much as the next person and i cant do anything about it. I feel like Ive dug myself so far into a hole that Ill never be able to get out of it unless I do what I promised him I wouldnt but no one knows that Ive cried myslef to sleep and I hate myself right now more than ever. But I wont do it b/c I cant hurt anymore than I have already. But I have my doubts about him caring anymore. I know how he feels and I cant do anything about it b/c things have changed so much that I dont think that we have much time left and its going to kill me when we finally run out. I know he doesnt care about me as much as he used to and the funny thing is is that he thinks I feel that way towards him but I guess Im a complicated girl and I love him more right now than I thought I ever could but it doesnt matter anymore-nothing matters anymore. Ive messed things up so much right now that I dont know what to do but I cant lose him I cant hes the only person who knows me and i dont know I cant. God what am I going to do? Im losing him and I cant deal with it anymore. I guess its back to my pillow b/c no one cares how i feel or anything else about me- and the pathetic thing is i had it and i threw it away for something or some reason and i havent figured that one out yet either. I should have known it was all too good to be true. But this is all tearing me up and i cant handle it. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God someone help me b/c i cant do it alone but i have no one. Oh well life cant be that much longer and if it is I know where a car and keys are and then I dont have to worry about it. I dont know- I dont!!! Fuck life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jilynn
August 17
I finally had the day that Ive wanted for so long now. It was so perfect and we didnt do a thing but sit around and he cleaned his room and yeah sure kinda whatever. It was so much fun. I need it and Im glad it happened. I love him more than hell ever know but i hope i can kinda show him a little bit now. Im glad hes not mad @ me about the whole Dallin thing- I feel so bad and I know i shouldnt b/c its not my fault but i guess in a way it is my fault b/c i went along w/ them and i dont know im just confused. I know i didnt do anything wrong but i still feel like i did. I dont know Im just so glad hes not mad @ me but if he was i wish he would tell me. I just want him to be happy. Thats what matters the most to me right now. I dont know I love him so much right now. Im so happy we had tonight to make things start getting better b/c right now i think we cna make it through all of this. I love him so much. AWWWWWWW!
Jilynn
August 18
Today was Brandons birthday. Poor kid isnt even with his family but I guess its his fault and he needs to learn. Ummm worked was actually okay today. Jason wasnt in the building a lot of the time so I didnt have to deal with him- hes really getting on my nerves and its starting to bug me. Ehh I dont know didnt do much today other than watch Disney movies make my bracelet go to work and play with christopher which was wonderful and he knows how i mean (wink,wink). Well bye bye!!!!!
Jilynn
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