Return To Lovers Of Lindsey
Title: Any way I can
Author: Angel Jade
Rating: R (for themes and language)
Content: Slash, language, angst, slightly dark with a little violence and
attempted non-consensual sex, not graphic.
Spoilers: Season three Ats
Pairings: A/L
Description: Past events have become too much for Angel, and Lindsey deals with
the consequences in their unconventional relationship.
Setting: A few years in the future.
Feedback: angel-jade@buffyrocks.co.uk
Distribution: If you’ve had my permission before, you have it now. Anyone else,
ask first please.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything you read. I am also not Joss. Despite the
many rumours.
**Important**: Instead of travelling the world after Buffy’s death, Angel ended
up in Oklahoma. A relationship developed between Angel and Lindsey and when
Angel returned, he took Lindsey with him. Season three played out pretty much
the same, except Angel and Lindsey were together. Connor never returned after
his initial kidnapping and Wesley left for England. A year later, Cordelia
suffered a battle injury and lost her life. Unable to deal with the pain, Fred
and Gunn left LA, leaving Angel and Lindsey alone. Since then, Angel has
withdrawn within himself. He barely tolerates Lindsey’s company and although
Lindsey hates they way he’s treated, he’s in love with Angel and hopes one day
that he’ll get the old Angel back.
*****
It’s always better to leave him to his thinking. However long it lasts, he’s
not exactly going to die from locking himself in there with no food. He appears
sooner or later and eats enough blood to keep him going for a few more days and
then goes back into hiding.
The only time I spend with him is when we sleep. Well, when we’re in bed. We
don’t always sleep.
I should be thankful he cares enough to bother sometimes.
But I’m not. Not usually.
It must be tough to have so much pain and guilt inside that the only way to
release it is by fucking your partner just that little bit too hard every night.
Let me tell you something, its tougher being the partner getting fucked.
Not that I mind. Or rather, I do mind, but I deal with it. The way I deal with
the loneliness when he’s hiding away in his room. A new way of blaming himself
every day…keeps a guy busy, don’t you know.
It’s hard to lose the girl you love. Even harder to lose a son. And to be
betrayed by a friend…then to lose another only a year later. And then the last
two…the ultimate betrayal. Leaving him at his lowest.
I resent them with all my heart for what they did.
He was brooding a lot, yeah. But until Fred and Gunn walked out to move on to
‘better things’ at least he was still Angel.
Now I don’t know who I’m living with. He’s not Angelus, that I’m sure of. But
he’s no longer the Angel I fell in love with.
He’s dead inside. Deader anyway.
Even Wolfram and Hart have stopped bothering with him.
I do all I can to pay the bills. Angel Investigations is long gone. I run a
small lawyer firm from his office. It’s not like he uses it anymore. I have a
couple of people working for me, but they’re rarely here. I try and get them to
work from home as much as possible. Angel, when he does show his face, doesn’t
play nicely with people.
I’m the only person he tolerates. And I’m pretty sure the only reason he deals
with me is for the sex.
I tried everything to help. I urged, I forced, I threatened, I blackmailed, I
ignored, I joked…I did it all and nothing helped. If anything, they all made
him worse. The only way I know how to be anymore is the way he wants me to be.
I stay out of his way until he wants me.
It’s not exactly the life I’d hoped for, but in my own little way, I’m happy.
I do love him. It’s so hard to fall out of love once you get so deep. I think I
pretty much passed the point of no return after Cordelia’s death. He was so
broken. At one point, he started crying and I held him for hours, whispering in
his ear like you would a child, until he fell asleep.
I loved watching him sleep after that. It reminded me that he needed me. That I
was there to help him, make him better, comfort him…love him.
And now? Now I’m just a convenient fuck.
He doesn’t see it that way though. As he so loves to remind me, I’m his. He’s
not going to let me go, never going to let anyone hurt me. If I wasn’t so sure
he’d stopped loving me, I’d be touched.
He doesn’t let me go out much either.
The people I work with are the only company I get. And that’s a rarity.
They stopped asking me to join them for a drink after I kept declining. But
what could I do? The one and only time I ever did join them ended pretty damn
badly.
~~~~~~
He stood at the bottom of the stairs, darkness cast over his face as if he was
wearing the damn thing. I was always amazed at how shadows suited him so well.
He slipped out, staring at me, his eyes the same as always.
“Where have you been?”
I was pretty pissed off with that question. It was bad enough he didn’t have
time for me, but to appear suddenly and demand to know where I was…I wasn’t
going to let him get away with that.
So I told him.
“Out, what’s it to you?” I asked him, coldly.
“It’s everything to me.” He said, his voice even harsher than usual. Just a
tint of a threatening edge to it. “You didn’t even tell me you were going out.”
“Sorry Dad.” I said sarcastically, regretting the word the moment it slipped
out my mouth.
Hs eyes glazed for a second and for the first time I actually thought his bully
attitude was going to go one step further.
“Look, I’m sorry, okay?” I said quickly. “It was just a drink. I didn’t mean to
come back this late.”
“You could have been killed.” He hissed, walking over a little too fast for my
liking. So I stepped back. “You know what’s out there.”
I stopped breathing, not daring to move. Everything about his body language was
screaming ‘dangerous vampire’ and I had no intention of bringing that dangerous
vampire our to play. “I do, I know. I’m sorry, okay? I just wanted to spend
sometime with friends.”
It was a bad choice of argument.
“You’d rather spend time them than me, that it? You leaving me too?” He asked,
grabbing my arm.
A little shocked, I stuttered a reply. “I need friends, Angel. You never spend
anytime with me. A little human company isn’t going to kill me.”
“You wanna spend more time with me?” He asked, sounding more than pissed off
with me.
I wanted so badly to say no. Because the look in his eyes told me his idea of
spending more time with me would be to throw me against the wall and fuck me
blind. And not in a good way.
“I didn’t mean that. I know you’re going through a rough time…” I said,
awkwardly, praying he’d drop it and go back to brooding.
“You don’t know, shit, Lindsey.” He said, venomously, before taking off back
upstairs.
I realised how long I’d been holding my breath and forced myself to relax.
~~~~~
The amount of times he’s come close to doing something stupid like that, I’ve
lost count.
But I stay with him. Because how long can a grieving period last, anyway? He’ll
be back to his old self soon.
I can keep telling myself that.
*****
Every night it’s the same old thing. I undress in silence and he starts to take
me in his arms. Nothing comforting about it…it’s like being possessed. Seized.
Controlled.
And I do as little as possible, because making a wrong move makes him angry. He
has a tendency of growling. I wouldn’t be scared of it. Not usually. But it’s
so feral and while you’re naked, in a vampire’s arms, you really don’t want
reminding of how easy it would be for him to kill you.
Some days his hands are desperate, roaming my skin, holding and pinching.
Rubbing and caressing. It’s like a Thai massage. Pleasurable pain with a sore
afterglow.
Other days his movements are simple. Less needy and more demanding. A
effortless push on my shoulder to advise me to my knees. A shove onto the
bed…well, we all know where that goes. But it’s all very quick and it’s hard to
really explain how he acts. Just empty I suppose. Void of all emotion and love.
It’s scary.
Scarier when I try and say no. When he’s in a mood like that, no isn’t an
answer. It’s almost as if someone’s stripped away the humanity in him and all
that’s left is this vampire-demon than has only two wants. Two needs. Feed and
fuck.
Luckily, I’m not a stupid guy and when he’s in one of those moods, I don’t say
no. It’s only sex after all. And it’s never worth the fight. He’s never forced
me to do anything I didn’t want to do. Scared me into it, maybe…but I’ve never
felt as if I couldn’t walk away. Even if sense tells me it might be the one
thing to push him over the edge.
And we don’t want that. Angel over the edge is a daunting prospect. After all,
if he’s like this now, what’ll he do if he snaps? I for one don’t want to know.
I don’t have much of my own. A family off somewhere that don’t care to hear
from me again. I left them for someone. A male someone. They just can’t accept
that.
My only friends are the ones I work with and I’m pretty sure they’re too afraid
of Angel to get too close to me.
I tried to introduce them all at one point. It didn’t go to plan.
~~~~~
“Lindsey? Who the fuck are these people?” He demanded, fresh from sleep. Hungry
as hell no doubt. I excused the rudeness.
“You remember I told you about the guys I work with. Bob and Matthew. They’re…”
And it was as far as he let me go.
“I don’t want them nosing around and stealing things. Get an office.” Angel
said, moodily before disappearing. He didn’t even come to bed that night. He
was hiding away, thinking.
~~~~~
The guys didn’t say anything, but I saw it in their eyes. I’m just thankful
they didn’t freak out.
I caught them having a conversation about violent relationships, which of
course stopped dead as I interrupted them.
But as most people would do, they kept it to themselves. It wasn’t any of their
business and they didn’t want any trouble.
I’m pretty sure that’s a good thing.
So that’s the extent of what I have. No home of my own. Very little money left
over once bills are payed. A sucky low paid job. No family and two ‘friends.’
And no one knows it better than Angel.
~~~~~
“It’d be better if I just went for a while.” I said, nervously. “Just a couple
of days. Until you calm down.”
“You’re leaving me too?” He asked, not sounding angry for once. No, worse. He
sounded hurt.
“I’m not leaving you. I won’t leave you.” I assured him. “I just need a break.
Things have been so on edge lately that…”
“Leave.” He said, his voice returning to its usual iciness. “Do it now. Don’t
pretend you haven’t been planning it.”
“Angel, I…”
“But answer me this, McDonald.” He said, watching as I winced at my last name.
He only used that when he was pissed or in a silly mood and I haven’t seen the
silly mood since Cordelia’s death. “Where are you going to go? You have no
money, no place to stay, no family that wants you and no friend that care. So
what exactly are you planning on doing?”
I hadn’t though it out. It’d been very spur of the moment. He’d been yelling at
me for making a mess or something equally unimportant and I’d had enough.
However after hearing these words from him, I had a few doubts about leaving.
But pride being what it is, I was going to do it anyway.
Until he proved he’s not all anger and anguish. He’s down right manipulative
when he wants to be.
He made his way over to me casually, his face softening slightly. “You see,
Lindz…”
Now we’re back to nicknames.
“You don’t have anywhere to go. You need me.” He spoke so softly, if the
content hadn’t been so conniving, I would have believed my Angel was back. “You
need me like I need you.”
His hands began trailing down my chest towards my zipper. And before I could
protest, his hand was easing up and down my hard on in such a way; I couldn’t
quite remember what I was planning on saying.
Before I knew it, we were fucking. Not the usual hard fuck, the hot
mind-blowing kind that made me believe things were going to get better. I
thought that I’d finally done it. Snapped him out of the bad mood that he’d
been in for so damn long.
But it lasted as long as he did. He fell asleep without a word and when he woke
up, nothing had changed. Except maybe my freedom to leave. You see, I
understand he’s in a bad mood. There’s predictability there. But what I don’t
know, is how far he’s willing to go. And that’s what I hate. Not knowing.
Unpredictability scares me. I’ve always hated things to be anything other than
logical and conventional. And preferably without violence.
But without him actually laying a finger on me, I have no real reason to leave.
And if he does lay a finger on me…or a fist…maybe his fangs…then will I be able
to leave? I doubt it. He doesn’t want me to leave. What’s to stop him from…?
I hate thinking about that. Because I know that it’s only a matter of time.
After all, it’s in his nature.
And it’s not like he hasn’t got so close so many times.
~~~~~
“Angel, please. It’s not healthy.” I called through the door.
His silenced mocked me into one of my bastard tempers and I started banging on
the door.
Something I wouldn’t consider doing now, but then, it was just the beginning.
Fred and Gunn had left three days earlier and he was in one fucker of a mood.
I wasn’t going to stand for that.
After a couple of minutes of pure pounding…my fists took a bruising, let me
tell you, he opened up quickly and grabbed my wrist, squeezing it just a little
too hard. “Leave. Me. Be.”
After the initial shock, my face hardened. “You’ve been in there for three
days. At least eat.”
“You want me to eat, Lindsey?” He asked, his tone just this side of threatening.
I tried to pull my wrist from his grip but he wasn’t having any of it. “I’m
worried about you.”
“I don’t want your fucking pity.” He hissed. “Don’t interrupt me again.”
The door was slammed shut and he didn’t emerge until two days later. I don’t
know how he stood the pain of not eating. It should have driven him wild. And
that’s what I blamed the outburst on. Not his continuing decline into
‘assholedom’, but the simple fact he hadn’t eaten.
~~~~~
It’s amazing how you can make up excuses for the one you love, even when the
truth is painfully obvious.
It was easier to deal with. For a little while.
But you see, now I’m getting smarter. I’m seeing our relationship for what it
is. Well, I can’t exactly label it, but it’s bad, whatever it is. I see the way
he treats me and I know there’s not a thing I can do about it.
The only way I’m leaving is if he goes too far. And if he goes too far, who’s
to say I won’t stay out of fear?
I’m screwed either way.
*****
I pick the phone up as it starts to ring. It’s the personal line so I drop the
lawyer firm greeting in place of, “Y’ello.”
“Hey man, it’s Gunn. How’s things?” The familiar voice asks.
Slight pause as I recover from my shock. “Crap. And you?” I reply dryly.
Now he’s the silent one. “Angel round?”
“Wouldn’t know. I don’t see him much these days.” I say, shortly.
“Look Lindsey, I know you’re pissed we left. But you’d have done the same in
our position.” Gunn tells me. “We had to leave, it was killing Fred to be
there.”
“Whatever.” I say. “I’ll go find him, you wanna hold on?”
“Yeah, s’cool.” He says, as I place the receiver on the desk.
I don’t want to do this; I really don’t want to do this. I just know it’s going
to make everything worse.
I tap on Angel’s door and hear nothing in reply. “Angel? Gunn’s on the phone.
He wants to talk to you.”
Seems like forever until he opens the door and glides past me, heading
downstairs.
I breathe a sigh of relief. He wasn’t mad I disturbed him. That’s a good sign.
Still, I think I’ll stay out his way for a while. He’s not going to be in the
best mood after this call.
*****
Staying out of his way would be a brilliant plan if I didn’t have to go back
downstairs to find a file for work.
He’s still down there when I appear. Sitting there, staring at the phone.
I try not to make any sound but he can hear so damn well he noticed me before I
even saw him.
He whirls round and watches me, eyes tinted yellow.
Short burst of fear through my chest that I try and ignore as I go into the
office. I’m almost positive he follows me in, but I carry on with what I’m
doing.
Until I feel his hand wrap round my waist, possessively. His lips teasing my
neck.
I don’t know what makes me do it, but I try and pull away. I’m not up for a
round of aggressive vampire sex, especially not in the office.
His arm stops me.
“Angel…stop.” I whisper, trying to sound more obstinate. It doesn’t work.
“Is that what you want?” He asks me, talking into my neck, his hand dipping
lower, into my open pants. “You want to leave me, too?”
Something tells me he doesn’t quite understand me. “No, I said I wouldn’t leave
and I mean it.” I tell him. “Just don’t, okay? Not here.”
“Don’t you love me Lindsey?” He asks. He’s deliberately making his voice like
that. I know, or I should know, that he’s just charming me into going along
with him. But I play his game anyway.
“You know I do…just…”
“Then show me.” He says. “Show me you love me and you won’t leave.”
I sigh. “Angel. Can’t we just take this upstairs?”
He shoves me hard, all signs of charm gone. I end up bent over the desk and
fear starts choking me. I try to stand but he’s having none of it.
“Stop! Angel. Don’t do this. I’ll come with you upstairs and show you how much
I love you, okay?” I offer.
“If you loved me you’d obey me.” He says, calmly. “I wouldn’t have to keep
telling you. I wouldn’t have to force you to stay.”
Oh God, he’s gone mad. He’s insane. “Angel! Calm down. You don’t force me to
stay, I stay because I love you.”
“You’re trying to leave me like everyone else and I won’t let you.” He tells
me, unfastening his pants behind me.
I’m trying desperately to talk my way out of this, but no words seem to be
coming out of my mouth. I’m panicking. A good lawyer never panics.
“I won’t let you leave. I need you.” He says, pulling at my pants.
This is where it really hits me. How stupid I am. I saw the signs, I had my
chances and I stuck around. I knew this day would come and I stayed. I really
have brought this on myself.
That doesn’t mean I’m just gonna lie here and take it.
“Angel, stop!” I yell angrily. “Think about what you’re doing. This won’t bring
them back; you’re only driving me away. Like you did with Fred and Gunn,
remember?”
Okay, bad plan. Pissing him off…not really my intention.
I try and fix it. “You love me, remember? You don’t do this to people you love.
I’m saying no. I don’t want you like this.” I tell him.
He grabs the back of my shirt and lifts me off the desk before slamming me
against the wall instead. “Have to make you stay, Lindsey. You’re all I’ve got
left.”
“Them make me stay by being the old you.” I plead. His grip loosens and I turn
around facing him, still pressed against the wall of the office. “I miss you.”
I say softly, going to touch his cheek.
He flinches away from me, before doing his pants up and leaving me alone in the
office. I slide down onto my ass and rest against the wall, coaxing my heart to
stop thumping its way out of my chest.
Add this to the list of close calls.
God I’m stupid, I’m so fucking stupid for staying here.
*****
I can’t put it off any longer. If I don’t turn up in to sleep in his room,
he’ll get even moodier.
So I take a deep breath and walk in, trying not to make any noise.
It doesn’t matter. He’s up, lights on. He’s throwing everything and anything
into a trash bag. Too my complete and utter shock, he’s throwing away the
little things of Connor’s that he’s kept…
“What are you doing?” I ask. I can’t help it. This is not like him at all.
“What does it look like?” He replies, sounding a little ticked off that I
needed to ask that question.
“You’re not keeping those? I thought…”
“You thought wrong.” He says, simply.
I’m at such a loss as to what to say to him. There’s never anything to talk
about anymore. So I take off my shirt and place it neatly over the chair and go
to unzip my pants.
I realize he’s stopped and I feel his eyes on me. Nervously I turn round and
let out an embarrassing gasp as I see him standing so close.
Damn silent vampires.
He seems to stare at me for ages, his eyes fixated on mine. But instead of the
usual deadness, I only see need there. Sucker I may be, but I can never resist
him when he looks at me like that.
“I’m sorry.” He says, softly. “I don’t mean to snap at you.”
I can’t help but frown in confusion at this. Not only because he’s saying it,
but because he actually looks remorseful. I trust him. Stupid of me, yes, but I
can’t help it.
Smiling, I bring my hands up to his face and kiss him. His own arms encircle me
and we’re back to desperate feeling and frantic kissing. The whole time we make
love, he whispers in my ear, telling me how sorry he is and how he’s going to
make it up to me. How he’s trying and how I can’t leave him, not ever, because
he’d die without me.
And best of all. How much he loves me.
Maybe things won’t change yet and maybe tomorrow I‘ll wake up to the same Angel
I’ve been living with these past years. But this is a start. We’re finally
getting somewhere and I don’t care how long it takes, I’ll be here with him to
see it through.
The End
