I dont understand... if its such bad news then why doesnt he want to be with me anymore? Im so confused. And it says if you wanna talk to me just talk to me. Well i tried, but thats all it is... ME talking him sittin there sayin nothin. So ive givin up. So what if im completely miserable and depressed? So what if i only dream about bein happy. As long as HE'S happy right? who gives a shit about me? I just want him back, no matter WHAT it takes. Its so hard to hear certain songs. It seems like they play "My best friend" every other song now. It hurts. I cry everytime i hear it. and "Forever and For Always" hurts. But one song really kinda fit my situation and REALLY hurt to listen to. "Strawberry Wine"
Strawberry Wine
Seventeen
The hot July Moon
Saw everything
My first taste of love
Oooh, Bittersweet
Green on the vine
Like Strawberry Wine
Thats just the chorus, but still you get the picture. Anyways, i don't know how im gonna make it through homecoming. Seeing him there with another girl is gonna kill me. Im not gonna try and make myself feel better by telling myself that I'll have him back by then. But im gonna try my hardest to be the most gorgeous girl at homecoming. (yeah right!) but at least look really really pretty. I dunno... i dont know who im kidding. im just not pretty enough or good enough for him. At least he figured out that the chick he was tryin to talk to is a whore. Maybe hell still go for her though i have no clue. he wont talk to me about that either. I just wish hed give me a chance. hes just giving up. i think what we had is worth more than just giving up. but whatever apparently to him t was just a big roll in the hay. oh well. But surprise surprise! i got screwed over by a guy AGAIN!
i feel like i just got shot or something. Seans already talkin to another chick. and the thing that pisses me off the most is that i asked him yesterday if it had anything to do with these 3 girls that were hitting on him when he was workin this debutant thing. then in his profile it says:
the weekend [8/18/03 10:17 PM]
well, i have sad news... me and megan broke up, i dont really want to get into it, if you wanna talk to me then just talk to me. neways i was working this debutaunt party, and i met this girl and i gave her my number, and i visited her at work and i was there till like fuckin... 9:00, shes a beautiful girl... so im outta here, ill update you on how that goes. later
Mood: :-)
I asked him about it and he said thats nothing to do with it and i wanna believe him more than anything but it just doesnt seem that way. I mean i was still with him and he was giving her his number. I dunno. and he wont even tell me shit. he says i dont need to knwo everything, but i want to so i can understand what happened. And i love how he JUST fuckin met her and he goes and visits her at work for a long time, but he dated me for two months and never even stopped by my work to say hi. Its bullshit. I mean i understand hes not "IN love with me" or whatever but still. Im tryin to talk to him about it but he just stops talking. I know its annoying that i keep asking questions, but if hed just be god damned mature and answer me then id stop asking. All i want (besides him back) is answers. I asked him why he broke up with me and why he only wants to be friends and he said "its what i said and a bunch of other things" and thats all he said. i asked what i said and what other things and he wont answer me. I dont even know what to think. I mean last week he was begging me to take him back and he said hed do anything. So i forgave hima nd took him back and now all of a sudden he doesnt want to be with me anymore? i dont understand what i did or what happened to change his mind so quickly. And i forgave him but now he cant forgive me for whatever i did? i wish more than anything that i could go back in time and fix whatever i did wrong, but i cant. and maybe i could fix it if i at least KNEW what i did, but he wont tell me. I love him more than anything and i just want to be with him and be happy again...
Wow. I never thought anything could ever EVER hurt this bad. Especially a breakup. Sean told me that hes not in love with me and i was so hurt that i was trying to defend myself and i broke up with him, which was a BIG mistake. I called him like 10 min later and he didnt wanna talk to me which really hurt too. I mean it was just such a shock to me because i never thought hed lie to me about THAT. And i wish i would have known what would have happened if i hadnt have broken up with him. Would he have broken up with me? would we still be together? I mean theres just to many questions i have and when i try to ask him he doesnt really answer me. I asked him a few earlier and he just stopped talking and put up a god damned away message. I havent talked to him since then. I mean i dont want to stop being friends with him, but its just so hard. Today i gave him a ride to school and i couldnt even look at him. and i tried to act like nothing was wrong but i know i did a bad job and he probably saw right through it. I have a bad feelin about this. i think theres another girl or something. I dunno what i would do if he went out with someone else. But i really dont think he ever gave it a fair chance. I mean is two months enough time to say that he isnt in love with me and he never will be? i dont think it is and thats not fair... to either of us. I mean aside from this i think what we had was pretty good and to just give up on it like that... He told someone that hes "its easier to be single then it is to be in a relationship" well no fuckin shit! Relationships arent easy. They arent sposed to be. There are gonna be problems but you have to work through them. and i kinda noticed it before, but i see it more now that im lookin back on it, but its like when we had our first problem and we worked through it, he jsut kinda stopped trying after that. So what if hes not IN love with me... it was TWO FUCKIN MONTHS! theres still PLENTY of time! I mean isnt "loving me as a gf" the first step to falling in love? its just so hard.
I cant sleep, i can barely eat, i dont wanna talk to anyone and i dont wanna do anything but stay at home. Id say since it happened ive had maybe 5 hours of sleep. I just sit there and stare at the ceiling until i fall asleep for about 20 min. then i wake up and stare at the ceiling for hours. Since then ive had a slice of pizza and a few bites of ice cream on monday for lunch. Everytime i eat i feel like im gonna throw up. Honestly, Monday i was so depressed i just wanted to go home go to sleep and never wake up. and i know thats kinda weird, but i cant help it. I have thoughts like that all the time now. Before i used to be upset when i was physcially with him, but now that we arent even dating its almost to much for me. I seriously dont know how long i can i can go on like this. I love him so much and i dunno why this is all suddenly happening. I cant think and i can barely function. everyone says im always starin off into space and when people talk to me im off in la la land and they have to repeat stuff. I just want another chance to prove i can make him happy and do everything for him. i dunno what else to write, maybe ill write more later. Im just tired of how i feel right now. When i gave him a ride this morning i couldnt even look at him. Then we sat with bryan and cindy until the bell rang and when he walked off i just watched him and i couldn thelp it i just started crying. I just want the hurt to end, but the only way thats gonna happen to be with him again, and i dont think he even cares about me at all anymore. Im tired of crying. i never thought it was possible to cry this much in an entire lifetime, let alone 3 days. I dont know if im even going to homecoming. Erik asked me to go with him and if i go theres only two people id go with and thats of course sean and erik as a friend. But i dunno if i can handle going and seeing him there with another girl. Just thinking about it makes me cry all over again. this sucks so bad. all i want is to have him back. ive never been as happy as i was with him. Ive also never been as depressed as i am right now...
Today is a shitty day. i feel so bad about myself. like over the past week my self esteem and self image have taken a nose dive. Since the beginning of summer ive gained 9 pounds, stopped wearin any make up at all, and cut my hair so that it looks like a short load of shit. I feel so fat and ugly. I think its because i havent smoked or drank in a week. I think i need it to feel good about myself, which isnt good at all. so I quit smoking for good now. im done with it. and i have to face the truth. so what if im ugly... at least i dont try to make myself feel better by giving myself lung cancer or somethin. lol today im completely pampering myself to see if that maybe helps. Im doing a peeling face mask. im taking a long hot shower and im going to use my best smelling body wash, which i usualy skip cuz im in a hurry. And instead of my old soap, im going to use this new soap i got that smells really good. and i painted my toenails like yesterday or hte day before. Im going to pluck my eyebrows, dress cute, and wear makeup. im going brush my teeth extra good and im going to take my time flossing. and if that doesnt help, then sorry sean but you got an ugly gf....
well... i wasnt on TV. only girls who looked liek hoes were on TV. You could tell all the camera people were guys. lol. besides... they advertised it as the dale earnhardt tribute CONCERT, but it was BARELY concert... it was mostly tribute stuff, which i understand cuz that was the point of hte concert... but you kno wwhat i mean. they are supposedly having one every year now... i wonder who will be there next year. i hope terri clark! anyways... how about this K.JO?!?! twice in one week. you better be proud of me. i was going to walmart to get sean some "a-shirts" (wife beaters) and some red nail polish and instead of going to teh rockledge one, i went and got gas so that i could make it all the way down to the super walmart where you work and then you werent even there. i was like what the hell dude. i got gas and went twice as far to see you on the one frickin day you dont even work what kind of crap is that? lol. but yeah... i want to take this time to tell those of you who dont know that i am totally, head over heels, 150%, no doubt about it, out of this world, grand slam, touch the stars in love with Sean. hes the perfect guy. I mean i say this all the time, but i seriously could NOT have asked for more in a guy. hes everything and more i want a guy to be. he treats me the way i should be treated, he loves me for me, he doesnt try to impress me because he knows i love him for him, and most of all, he doesnt try to change into what i want him to be because he knows i love him and im with him for how he is now and not what he could be. I just cant get over how awesome and totally perfect he is. I dunno where id be right now without him. After being with him for this short amount of time, i cant IMAGINE ever wanting to be with anyone else. I cant think of any reason why we would break up, and honestly, i really hope we dont. i can see myself being with him for a long time... how long im not exactly sure right now, but lets just say from my point of view the end is nowhere in sight. he means the world to me and i dont know what i would do if i lost him or if anything ever happened to him. i would lose my mind or i would just go into hiding or something. i dont even wanna think about it, cuz the the thought of it upsets me. even with all the other shit and bad luck that ive had lately, this is the happiest i think ive ever been in my entire life and i dont want that to change. i mean i know its a little selfish, but everyone has to be selfish now and then. i mean is it too much to ask that i wanna STAY happy? lol. i know that as long as i am with him that i will be happy no matter what else is going on in my life. he jsut does that to me. Ill be having the worst day, then i will hear his voice and it will brighten up. Ill see the smile on his face and hell give me a hug and it all goes away. nothing is there but happiness. then when he kisses me im in heaven. it doesnt even matter what the hell is else is goin on. we could be in the inner city projects with drive bys goin on and if i were in his arms id feel safe. i feel like thats where i wanna be forever. i dunno what all these feelings mean. im so confused about it. i mean i KNOW im in love with him. ive known since i visited him at camp. I dunno... it is now 12:24 AM. ive been thinkin. i just got back from seans house... I think i need to talk to mary... lol mary when you see this make sure you IM me or call me or somethin. and K.JO your my therapist, so if you wanna try and give a shot at figurin my ass out then go for it lol. i need all the frickin help i can get. well... im just waitin for my baby to get on but i dont think he will because he has to work tommorrow mornin and its late. tomorrow hes goin to go smoke with matt and bryan all day so unless i wanna see him like that then im not gonna see him :(. i dont wanna see him like that. its not like it bothers me or anything. (well it KINDA does but it doesnt really matter) its just that he smoked too much and i dont want him to end up gettin screwed up cuz of it and i understand smokin like once a week or somethin but not like everyday for a week then not for two days then everyday again. and its no fun to be the only sober one. besides i wanna spend time with HIM, because for a while hes either been smokin or i havent really had a chance to see him that much. I dunno. i guess im gonna go. TTYL bye!
Well due to popular demand (lol K.JO) im writing in my journal. Kenny Chesney was SO FREAKIN AWESOME!! HE BLEW ME A KISS AND I MIGHT BE ON TV TOMOROW! JULY 10TH ON FOX AT 8 PM. WATCH IT AND LOOK FOR ME. IF YOU MISS IT I WILL TAPE IT. lol anyways... im so completely in love with sean its awesome. our song is Tim McGraw "My best friend" if you dont know it dl it and listen to it. its really good. puts how i feel into words. um... things with my parents are goin ok i guess. i dunno my dads still really upset. Well... the weirdest thing happened the other night. im not sure if i chould put somethin in ehre about it or not.... Ok, i asked mary and she said i should so here we go... I had this dream the other night and it was so sweet and perfect that i woke up afterwards and almost cried. It was at prom and i was dancin with sean and then for whatever reason i went to talk to the girls and he went to talk to the guys. So then the next thing i knw i heard his voice over the speakers askin me to come to the front. so when i did he started tellin me how much he loves me and how much i mean to him and all that and he got down on one knee an proposed to me. I said yes and then My best friend started playin so we started dancin it was so perfect. then today while i was takin a nap i had the same dream except he gave me a bouquet of gardenias and red roses. it was weird. i told mary and her psycho ass was like "see?!?! its a sign. i TOLD you that you guys are gonna get married!" im like jesus mary... i think your gettin a little ahead of yourself. marriage is NOWHERE on my mind right now, even thought she thinks it should be. lol so anyways... tahts all for now ill update later for K.JO heh. bye yall!
well its been a few weeks, but i did get to go see sean. it was alot of fun. and when i had to leave i almost cried and i realized that im in love with him. its great. so then on fathers day my mom came home. the next day my mom asked my dad for a divorce. within a week she saw an attorney and moved out. Its kinda weird. At first i was mad/sad, but now im fine with it. i feel bad for my dad, but hell get over it in time. i met my moms new boyfriend. theyve been dating for a few months which kinda pissed me off, but i cant control my mom so whatever. I guess i like him. He drives a tundra and he let me drive it. it was SOOOOOO awesome! me and sean said i love you. it was the best feeling in the world to hear him say it back. me and lindsey went and got me a hat for the concert on saturday. i cant wait!!! its gonna be so awesome!! ill write all about it when i get back from it. or maybe the next day cuz i will be tired probably. What else? OH! i talked to Bee and at first i was pissed and i was bitchin and then i was like ok for real... what happened? and hes like i didnt mean to stop talking to you completely, it just happened. and im like how the hell did it "just happen?" and hes like well i needed some time apart to figure things out and i started spending time with people you dont liek so it jsut kinda happened. But the thing is... i NEVER said i didnt like them. i said it was stupid because the bitches are gonna say they dont like me when they dont even KNOW me and then have hte nerve to tell robbie not to hang out with me anymore. and i know its not ALL their fault because he could have said you cant tell me who to hang out with, but he didnt. The point is, they are the ones who were sayin they dont liek me and its just stupid. i mean i miss him so much. as a FRIEND i miss him. But on the other hand... im really REALLY glad i didnt get together with him because then id probably still be with him and i wouldnt be with sean and i am SOOO in love! i mean i could go on for hours about how much i love him already and how great he is and how happy he makes me, but then this would be really long, so if you wanna knwo then ask lol. I get to see kenny chesney in 3 days!! well 2 1/2 i guess since today is almost over. i CANT WAIT!!!! oh and i got a job... well i THINK i did. Im a waitress at the porch. They have 3 people n training and they are only hiring one, but they said that one of the other girls is too softspoken and the other is always in the way and doesnt do anything. so i THINK i got the job. i HOPE i did anyways. Um... i guess thats about all... if i think of somethin then i will get back on later tonight and write. later yall!
Wow... i just got home. i HAVE to write. I got to see sean one last time before he leaves for camp, although if he asked me to id get up at like 5 so that i could see him again right before he leaves. I had the most INCREDIBLE time with him. and NO we DIDNT have sex (mary lol) I got off babysittin at like 11:30 and fromt here i went to his house i got there at maybe 11:45. Then he came outside and we stood in his driveway and talked and kissed and just held each other. It was so awesome. I mean you may think its nothin, cuz it really isnt that big of a deal, but i dunno. He said "this is so weird ive never liked a girl this much in this short of time" i was like aww i know EXACTLY how he feels. i REALLY dont want him to go to camp, but he has to go and im not gonna try to stop him cuz i know he wants to go, even if he doesnt wanna leave me. Well after we had a very hard time sayin bye i got in my car and i was thinkin wow thats like the best 15 minutes of my life and i looked at my clock and it had been almost an hour! i was like holy shit. i was REAL late gettin home and ill probably get in trouble for it tomorow (or i guess later today when my parents wake up lol), but it was SOOO worth it. now i have to go 5 DAYS without seein him. But when i go visit him im gonna make sure i look good. :) anyways, im tired as hell i just wanted to get on and share that with everyone cuz im just so happy! lol later yall!
Man... earlier today was the last time i get to see sean before thursday. My dad said i was aloud to go visit him. But i dunno what to wear. its a bunch of guys who havent seen any "tang" (thats what sean calls it) in a week. He said no matter what i wear im gonna get stared at. Not that i mind cuz it makes me feel good, but ill feel really un comfortable. i mean some of them are lik 12 years old! why are guys such perverts? Its ok though, cuz i got sean to keep them away and Matt said he would be my body guard. Plus, mary will be with me and i dunno if seans sister is goin or not, but at least i wont be the ONLY girl there. I dunno im kinda nervous. what if somethin changes while hes gone? if he decides he doesnt wanna be with me or somethin. I dunno im probably just bein stupid, but im still nervous. Last time i went almost a week without talkin to my boyfriend he ended up with a lesbian. I doubt that He would leav me for a lesbian, but still. Im just not used ot bein treated good and im afraid that its too good to be true. Anyways, i gotta go babysit. later everyone!
Well, everyone made up. no one is pissed at each other anymore. I cleared things up with sierra first. Shes not mad at me, but shes still kinda hurt, which is expected. And im gonna feel bad until she tells me that shes not hurt anymore. Then Sierra and Sean got talkin again, so now they are cool. Then i started talkin to Civel again, and it turns out she was never mad at me in the first place i guess... So then Mary and Civel started talkin again. Now everyone is happy! lol Especially me. omg(D... Murray!) I couldnt be ANY happier! Id like to share a little bit of a conversation Sean and I had last night. We were talkin about how today when i go over to his house if hes asleep then i should come wake him up. I said i would tease him to get him up...
EverythingEnds86: ok ill probably be naked in the frist place... so you never know what will happen
OoTHEgoodSTUFFoO: lol
OoTHEgoodSTUFFoO: oooh...
EverythingEnds86: but if you just walk up to me and give me a kiss on the neck or the lips ill probably wake up
EverythingEnds86: but waking up w/ you next to me will make me happy
OoTHEgoodSTUFFoO: aww
EverythingEnds86: hey cant hide the truth
Awww... lol hes so sweet. and Ok... I've decided im gonna share another part lol. I said somethin and it was cheesey as hell so i apologized for soundin corny...
EverythingEnds86: how can you sound hella cheesy
EverythingEnds86: your w/ me
EverythingEnds86: you dont have to do anything special to impress me
EverythingEnds86: absolutly nothing
OoTHEgoodSTUFFoO: awww
EverythingEnds86: you can come over w/ paint covered pants and a t shirt and your hair balled up in a bun
EverythingEnds86: and i would still feel for you the same way
EverythingEnds86: yes i would look at you funny
EverythingEnds86: but i'd still feel the same way
THATS MY BABY!! lol. I like him SOOOO much. yall dont even understand. I mean its kinda weird cuz ive only been with him for what...? 5 days maybe? Murray Has this crazy theory which im not even gonna get into details on. As i type, im waiting for her to get here so we can go chill with our Fellas. she sure is takin a while. Right after she gets here, I have to go to Manhattan Bagel and apply there. If they are still hiring then i think i should get the job because im able to work full time, which means ill be able to get out of debt with my first paycheck. YEAH!! lol plus, ill have spending money for kenny chesney concert. which is in 22 days by the way. Im so excited!! anyways... thats all for now. I will probably write later about somethin sean said or did today while im with him. lol later yall!
Wow... over a month since i wrote lol. Well alot has definately happened. Robbie definately has something shoved up his ass. like a week or two after i last wrote he completely stopped talkin to me for no reason. It really hurt because we went from being like best friends to nothin almost overnight. Im still kinda upset about it because i care about him alot. I mean he WAS my best friend so he still kinda holds a place for that in my heart, you know? i know it sounds cheesey as hell, but oh well. lol Graduation sucked. I cried when Josh sang. But its ok cuz after that i went to tielas hosue and got drunk. He came into school on the last day of school, wednesday, and i saw him at lunch. i gave him one last hug. thats the last time i saw him. Im over him now. Im over the way that he treated me. I mean how shitty of him is it to not give me a straight answer and keep me on the back burner? thats fucked up right there and its bullshit. I shouldnt have to put up with that crap. So, i found somebody better. WAY better. Remember back in December when i went out with Sean? What the HELL kinda drugs was i on when i broke up with him?!?!?! I mean jeez my knees. Thats probably one of the stupidest things ive done all year. Hes such a great guy. He treats me really well, which is what i really needed. Hes a sweetheart with a good sense of humor. we get along really well. He gives THE BEST back massages, (not to mention the fact they they really turn me on lol), and he looks really good. i mean what else could i ask for? lol. We've been together for a whopping 4 days lol. but hey you gotta start somewhere! he leaves for camp on sunday then i dont get to see him until thursday, IF im aloud to go visit him. I dunno if my dad is gonna let me or not. I really hope so though... im gonna bring mary and bryan with me if im aloud to go. :) well thats about all for now... i have to go job hunting. im $325 in debt. it SUCKS!!!
Wow... the accident made me realize how much i care about robbie, and i dont mean as just a friend. I dont know why i didnt realize it sooner. I mean i guess i kinda had the thought in the back of my mind, but it just kinda stayed in the back, you know? Like it all started at homecoming because i thought he looked good. lol ill admit that. he was wearin black shoes pants and shirt with white suspenders and a white tie. I definately liked it. So yeah. Last week i gave him a ride home on monday tuesday and wednesday. Monday and tuesday he didnt know i liked him and both of those days he kissed me when he got out of the car. then wednesday i dropped major hints that i liked him and he didnt kiss me then i told him flat out on thursday and he said he didnt know if he wanted to be with me. I dont understand how you can go from kissin on monday and tuesday to not wantin to be with me on wednesday and thurs. So then i saw him at the fair on saturday and there was a big misunderstanding and it led to our first argument/fight ever. it really sucked we were fightin until like today. I was really upset about it. But then today when i took him home i got a kiss. it was only a peck, but hey its better than what i had the past few days, especially after the fight. I had the biggest grin on my face the whole ride home. lol. but anyways... im gonna go. i anything new happens ill update tomorow. later yall!
Today has to have been one of the worst and scariest days of my life. Robbie and Bobby got in a bad car accident last night. bobbys car was totalled. both of them are OK but still. when i found out this mornin i was at Bee's house within like 15-20 minutes. All i wanted to do was hug him and know that he was ok. i was so scared. i cried so hard. Then i went to bobbys house to see him. he was really upset i felt really bad. i wish there was somethin i could have done for him. Since robby wasnt home when i went to his house i went back home. he called me later at like 7:30 and then i went to see him. When i got there i just gave him a hug for what seemed like forever. i was so worried about him. I just wish i could have been there for him last night. For both of them. But especially Bee cuz hes been there for me so many times. And he was so upset i jsut wish i could have been there to comfort him or something. If he woulda called me i would have been there in like 5 minutes. He means so much to me and i couldnt bear to lose him or to see him hurt. I just glad that both of them are ok
Man... it seems like last week josh was either ignoring me or avoiding me and i was sad. i didnt talk to him all week and the one time i was within like 10 feet of him he just kinda walked off and i didnt know what to do i was just like damn what did i do? i dunno i already miss him and he hasnt even left. tiela says hes goin to Georgia after he graduates. that makes me sad... and i dunno what to do anymore. i like him SOOOOOO much and it hurts not to get a straight answer. well illjust keep hopin... later yall!
Im really sad. Graduation is in 4 weeks. And we all know what that means... Josh is leavin. I mean he might not be leaving leaving, but it still wont be the same. i mean on graduation day im not even gonna be able to look at him. Im gonna cry so hard. I mean ill prolly still see him around, but i cant imagine coming to school and not seeing him or not getting a hug. I mean thats mostly the reason i go to school, is to see him and a few other people. now its just not gonna be worth it. man fuck this. i feel like shit. i just wanna be with him. its not fair...
War sucks. This whole thing is horrible. ive been watching on the news and keeping updated and its really scary. Im really worried about the megans boyfriends. I see how much they are hurting while their boyfriends are over in iraq fighting, but they are alive. I couldnt imagine what would happen if one of them got killed in battle or something. But im not gonna think about that because both of them are coming home safe. Anyways, the situation with josh isnt any better. hes going to prom with Jenni and im kinda upset. Its not that i wanted to go to prom like everyone is saying, because to me it wasnt about the dance. It was about being there with him. Thats all i want is to be with him. Hes pissed because he cant get a solid no i dont wanna be with you out of nealie, but yet he cant even give me an usure yes or no. Hes doing the same thing to me that nealie is doing to him. Well pretty much anyways. But i guess thats all for now. later yall!
You know what? sometimes i write things in here that arent true because i know that certain people are going to read it. I mean i wrote how mikey was a good kisser and everything but i just wrote that to make him feel good because i knew he was gonna read it. I mean he wasnt like horrible or anything, but ive definately had better lol. I dunno. mrs ward is such a bitch lol. Im completely failing her class lol that sok as long as i have a passing average at the end of the year im happy. she gave us like 8 minutes for a quiz today and i didnt finish so she said thats what im gonna get. thats bullshit i was pissed my mom is gonna talk to her. anyways... Josh sais he was gonna tell katie by friday, so ill know by then. its prolly gonna end up shitty but oh well. im used to it by now. well tahts all for now. later yall!
I like josh so much it hurts sometimes. that sounds stupid, but its true. i just cant help it. hes so great. hes like the most awesome person i know. i wanna be with him so bad. he told katie that he listened to the song and he doesnt know if he wants to wait for nealie or not. well why the fuck would he? she has a bf lol. civel told nealie that he wont go out with me cuz he said he might wait for her and she said she felt bad and she would try to talk to him. So maybe i have a chance. Katie is also gonna try and get him to ask me to prom cuz hes lookin for a prom date. god i just wanna be with him so bad. if he asked me out or asked me to prom i would probably cry. it makes me want to cry not being with him, but if he did ask me out id cry too. lol im just a crying type person i guess. I dunno thats about all. when i feel like writing then ill write the story about how bee kissed me. later yall
Well i ended up not going to school yesterday so i didnt have to see him. I was sick. i had a high tempature. At first i was kinda happy because i didnt wanna be embarassed, but then people kept telling me that they thought he liekd me so it gave me a shred of hope and now im just really pissed that i didnt get to find out for sure. so i have to wait until monday. Well... i kinda talked to katie who is really good friends with him and she said that she talked to him for a couple seconds and he said he listened to it but he would call her and talk to her about it later. So i dunno if shes talked to him or not but i dunno why im so nervous... i know whats gonna happen. People keep telling me i could have any guy i want. If thats true, then why am i not with Josh?
im so nervous!! today i gave josh the cd and the note that tell him how i feel about him. so tomorow im gonna have to go see him and know that he knows i like him and doesnt feel that way about me. its gonna suck, but hey at least i told him myself...
"then what?
Whatcha gonna do when the new wears off and the old shines through?
And it aint really love and it aint really lust
You aint anybody anyone's gonna trust
Then what?
Where you gonna turn when you cant turn back for the bridges youve burned
And fate cant wait to kick you in the butt?
Then what?
Oooh then what?"
~Clay walker- "Then what"
I've decided that im still going to do the thing with the song for josh. (see entry dates january 27 and February 2) I told him today that i had a cd for him but i didnt see him. I told him it was kinda funny and kinda not funny at the same time and he gave me that look that he gives me when i do somethin stupid lol. it was funny. so i asked him if he still wanted me to give it to him and he was like "umm, sure..." so i guess im gonna give it to him. i dont expect it to get me anywhere, but still. i guess its worth a try...
Well i been busy this weekend. Friday Bee asked me to the military ball, so saturday i left the competition early so i could get ready and be there. I had a lot of fun, with hte exception of all the rules. there were rules on everything down to how you eat your bread. you had to have like a foot between you while you were dancin. I kept gettin death looks from one of hte lady chaperones because i guess i was dancing too dirty and too close, but w/e. It was funny cuz when a slow song came on i went to go dance with bee and i had taken my shoes off. i was too short and he made me go put my shoes on. then on the next slow song i had taken my shoes off again so he completely picked me up off the ground and was dancin with me. then the lady was givin us bad looks again so he set me down but i stood on my tippy toes on his shoes. lol then on another song the lady was glarin at us cuz aparently his hands went too far "south of the border"... or at least too far by her standards. i thought it was fine lol. then i danced with civel on a couple songs to cheer her up. Bee even requested she thinks my tractors sexy for me lol. So then today i went to civels party. that was fun. there was one point when everyone went into the room to eat pizza and me civel and mikey had like 5 lanes to ourselves that we were bowlin. it was fun. I got two strikes! the first two strikes on my life lol and like 4 spares. my spare record is now 8 instead of 4 lol. the cake was really good too. they never played my tunes that i picked out but hey whatever it was only 50 cents and it wasnt even my 50 cents lol. well i think thats about it for now... later yall!
Im sick and tired of this bullshit called life. why doesnt it fuckin end?
Man... fuck pain! It hurts to move, it hurts to stand, it hurts to sit, and it hurts to breath. Fuck this shit!
Dude what the hell?? Fuckin... Mikey is riding the bus home tomorow so him and brittany can get to the park early and play basketball and i got fucking jealous!! i mean what the hell? They are playing basketball. that doesnt mean that hes interested in her or that hes going to go out with her or anything, but i still got jealous. I DONT GET JEALOUS!!! over anything before and now all of a sudden im jealous because hes playin basketball with another girl and ridin the bus with her instead of ridin home with me? Thats so fuckin dumb. whats wrong with me? this is pissing me off. i mean if im gonna be jealous about somethin it should be over somethin thats a good reason lol. dont get me wrong i dont want him to NOT go play with her, because even if i told him not to hed probably play anyways just cuz he loves basketball that much. hehe. i dunno i just dont understand why im this jealous....
Damn... hes off eating lol with his away message on and i have to get off at 8. hes been away for like forever. since i got home like two hours ago. so im gonna have to go before he gets back. but really... how long does it take to eat. lol. i dunno im not really jealous anymore i just wanna talk to him... i miss him lol. dude my dad is like forcing me to go to this stupid work party that he has in like a month and he said i could bring a friend so im hopin mikey will come with me. i wouldnt blame him though. its so boring to sit around with a bunch of computery people and i have no clue what they are talking about. lol i dunno.well i have to go do my stupid project. talk to yall later.
Well its been a while lol. but things are goin great. Friday was valentines day and mikey said he didnt need a ride so i just went to school by myself which was kinda weird cuz i havent driven to school by myself in a long time. So i got there and i couldnt find him anywhere right? so im walkin to north cmapu and im like no really where the hell is he? i was gettin kinda pissed and i was bitchin to jacqui about it. So then im like puting or whatever and i walked into my first period and hes sittin in my seat with this little grin on his face. I almost cried lol. I walked over to him and just gave him a big hug. It was the sweetest thing a guys ever done for me. Then i looked in the bag and it was a rose the kiss kiss bears a card and a poem he wrote. I loved it lol. I got him a big hersheys kiss, a bunch o little ones, a card and whipped cream as a joke lol. It was all civels idea lol. i couldnt think of anything. Then after first period he asked me out. i was happy lol. Hes at his moms house right now. I miss him, but i know hes havin fun and thats what matters. I think were gonna be together for a long time. at least i hope so. well im gonna go so i can watch the luck of the irish. later yall!
Well, mikey told me to write and since im "whipped" i guess im gonna write. lol Well, i like him alot and today i guess he was really homesick and he just looked so sad. I didnt know what to do. it was kinda makin me sad just to see him like that. i mean theres not much i can do for him in that situation but just sit back i guess. I dunno. I just feel like theres something i shoulda done to make him feel better. This kid in mikeys homeroom class said that him and DJ were talking about me. I wonder what they were sayin. He said at one point it even looked like they were arguein about me. Who knows. I dunno. I like Mikey alot and i hope he asks me out soon. I dunno why hes waiting its not like im gonna turn him down or anything lol. We might as well be together now, its just not official lol. Its all up to him though. Everything is going at his pace. It will be nice to take things at a slower pace for a change. I was so scared that he was mad at me earlier. Like at practice i was freakin out cuz i thought maybe somebody said somethin to him or i said or did somethin that upset him and i couldnt concentrate on anything because i was thinkin about what i migh thave done wrong, but then it turns out he was just homesick. Which even though that sucks, it was kinda a relief to me. I just hope he feels better soon, cuz i dont like seein him sad. It makes me sad too lol. Well, im gonna go. I wrot elike he asked me to, so he better be happy lol. ByeBye yall!
Man... This kinda sucks. My mom freaked about my interim so im not suposed to go online that much. UNtil i "spend time studying" all i have to say is shutup bitch. I would do better in school if she didnt nag me about shit all the time. Her bothering me about it everyday makes me not wanna do it just to piss her off. lol anyhoo, Is it possible to be completely head over heels for someone you've only known for a week? I dont even know why im asking because i know its possible. I've known mikey for a week now and i like him SOOO much. Its kinda crazy. I dont even understand. With the exception of him listening to rap, everything about him is just what ive always wanted. I can deal with the rap thing, cuz i can get him listenin to country in no time lol jk. I like him just the way he is and im not gonna do anything that might change him at all because i want him to stay the way he is.
And i hope you always stay the same
lol i like that song. I think we are going to be together for a long time, IF he ever asks me out. (lol jk. Do it whenever your ready baby. No rush, i promise!) Hes so difficult to buy for too. lol. the idea that i had for vday i decided i didnt like so now i gotta think of somethin else... damn this sucks. well. thats about all i have to say. Later Yall!
Cuz theres nothin about you i would change
~Joey McIntyre "Stay the Same"
Im at Civel's house. Last night me and Mikey came over ehre to watch a movie and i spent the night. It was awesome cuz we were just like chillin holdin hands. You know what? i have a thing with pockets. I love them lol. I just put my hand in his pocket and was rubbin his leg, which he apparently liked lol. i swear one day im gonna accidently start somethin and hes gonna go crazy lol. thats ok, it could be fun. Wait... im through with sex. lol i forgot for a second there lol. jk im seriously gonna try to stop, but its just kinda hard sometimes cuz when you get in one of those moods, theres not much you can do about it. ill just have to sit through it. i mean it cant be that bad, right? damn i dont even know lol.
mr. sandman. bring me a dream. make him the cutest that ive ever seen. give him two lips like roses and clovers.
lol anyways... i LOVE the way Mikey kisses lol. He doesnt like attack you and try to play tonsil hockey hehe. Hes really gentle and sweet. He smells so pretty lol. The last couple nights i've been happy just sitting and cuddling with him. When he kisses me i just kinda melt. thats a song by rascal flatts. "i melt" lol maybe i should go get the words and put them in here lol. I dunno. All i know is that im falling real fast and real hard for "the new kid." im gonna right more when i get home, so until then later yall!
Damn... thats all i can say. This boy just got me all worked up and he barely even said anything. All he said was that hes not wearin a shirt and that when his grandfather leaves the room hell be nekked. Then he has to go put ideas in my head sayin soon we will both be nekked together. Dont get me wrong... its a really GOOD idea lol. Hes just makin quittin A LOT Harder lol. Like smokin and drinkin he makes it easier to quit but really, hes teasin me and its so HARD!! damnit! lol thats ok. I was teasin him first so i guess i got what i deserved.... I cant wait until friday to see what he got me. Civel says im gonna cry and he said i might too, but i can cry on his shoulder. I dont understand he goes from being a complete sweeheart to a complete tease. God... now im gonna have some dirty dreams tonight. If he were here i would die him down and do thing to him hed never imagine lol. Id make him regret ever teasing me. lol Anyhoo, before i get myself worked up more, im gonna go. buh byes!
Well last night Mikey came over and we watched this movie called "about a boy" it sucked so we turned it off and watched 8 seconds, which he surprised me and he liked it. I didn't think he would, because as Jaqui would say "its a yeehaw movie" lol. It was fun. We talked alot, and i guess you could call it cuddling. we were holdin hands and he put his arm around me and was like rubbin my arm real soft so i did the same with his knee and found out his knee is a hot spot for him. So i kept doin it lol. He kissed me on the forehead and i looked up at him and we kissed. It was just a peck, but it was like really soft and sweet. It was perfect lol. :) Then after the movie was over we turned on the disney channel and watched Lizzie Mcgwire. Ive never met a guy who likes that show. Hes like one of the grestest guys ive ever met. Last night i realized that however long he decides to wait it is definately worth it. hehe And im kinda confused cuz i dont know exactly what we are. I mean i'd like to think that were together, but thats all up to him if hes ready. Actually i feel really lucky because all these girls like him and out of all of them he chose me. I dunno why he would, but he did and thats the important thing. I just hope its not cuz i was the first girl he met or anything like that, cuz then hed leave me as soon as he found someone better. i hope thats not the case. You know what else sucks? He goes back to orlando every other weekend to see his mom. What if one time while hes over there he hangs out with his ex girlfriend and does somethin with her. When he said they broke up, he said it was because he moved, so what if he still has feelings for her? I dunno. this is probably all just my insecurity, but still. IM probably worried for no reason. well until i think of some other wonderful thing about him to say, ill talk to yall later.
God... hes so awesome. I like him a lot and every time i see him or talk to him i like him more. He said he needed time by himself which i completely understand, but maybe it wont be as easy as i originally thought. Im not gonna rush him at all, but i really wish hed hurry up lol. But i guess however much time he needs is fine.
Ok i guess i was wrong about Mikey again. He does like me, which is awesome, cuz i like him too. Im like bouncin outta my seat lol. not really, but i am really happy about it. When he told me he liked a girl from here i got soo jealous. I was seriously about to go kick her ass lol. Then he started giving me hints and i caught on, but i decided to be difficult and pretend to not know just cuz i wanted him to flat out say it lol. He did and that made me feel really good too. He says he doesnt want a gf since he just started at a new school with new people, which i understand. I was probably going to wait a lil bit though just to make sure im not just the first girl he happens to see or just to make sure he doesnt realize that he doesnt really like me. Ill wait as long as he needs though, because the wait will be worth it. Hes a completely awesome guy and i cant imagine why he would like me out of all the other girls at rockledge, but i guess it doesnt matter why, just so long as he does, right? Hes so cute! He has the cutest smile! everyones like "hes so short" well i dont think so. Hes the perfect height. not too tall, not too short. lol :)Besides... just about everyone is taller than me. well i guess thats about it, cuz if i wrote about all the great things about him then id be typing all night until tomorow when i go pick him up. lol later yall!
Howdy yall! Ok so I lied about Michael… he’s not cute. He’s REAL cute lol. I dunno what it is but every time is see him he gets cuter. Hes really funny too which is a plus. I dunno if im starting to like him or not. I hope not because I don’t think hed be interested in me. This is crazy, I mean I just met him like 2 days ago. I dunno what it is about him either! I think maybe the impossible might be happening. Maybe im getting over josh!(and I stress the “maybe”)
"Unsinkable ships sink. Unbreakable walls break
Sometimes the things you think would never happen, happen just like that
Unbendable steel bends. If the furry of the wind is unstoppable
I've learned to never underestimate... The impossible"
~Joe Nichols - "The impossible"
I dont think hes interested in me. I just get the feeling that hes not. Besides, why would he be?
Im really horny right now lol. it sucks. i need laid. but you know what? im gonna stop all the bad things i do. Im now through with sex, drugs and alcohol. Sex doesnt really do anything. i mean sure you feel good for a little bit, but after that its just stress and bein worried about crap that you shouldnt need to be worried about. Drugs, well all i did was smoke weed, but its not good. i havent in a while, and im going to keep it that way. at first it was fun, but after that it was just boring. and alcohol, its fun and it tastes good, but whenever there is alcohol there is drama and problems. im just done with it all. i just wanted to tell yall that. i mean its not like i got high and drunk and had sex every day or anything, and really when i did it wasnt much anyways, but i regret alot of the things ive done and i wish i could take them back. I know that if i dont stop now ill regret it later, so im doin myself a favor for the long run. anyhoo. thats about all. later yall!
Well hmmm... What did i even write last time. Hang on lemme check... ok. I like Josh, that hasnt changed. I dont know if that will ever change. I think i am actually going to give up this time. For cereal! lol But anyways... Theres this new kid Michael that just started i think yesterday or today i dont know. I think hes just swell (lol ok that was dumb) but for real, hes nice and hes cute too. I dunno i dont really know him that well, but i want to get to know him better. So far he seems like a great guy. Who knows shit can happen and things can change (hopefully not though)All my friends want to meet Michael, especially civel after i said the word cute lol. Shes like get out of english during 4th luncha nd show him to me. Shes like tryin so hard to get me to introduce them. I might do it eventually but i dont wanna like scare him with a bunch of people or something lol. Besides, if i did id wait til she calmed down so she doesnt freak him out. hehe Anyhoo, im not gonna do the thing for valentines day for Josh. It's useless. but i guess we all already knew that. So unless i think of somethin else i wanna say, later! Oh yeah!! Michael told me this funny pick up line i almost pissed myself cuz i was laughin so hard. "That top is very becoming on you, but if i were on top of you id be coming too" lol damn thats funny. anyhoo, this time im for real. Bye yall!
Well jeez. I dont even know what to say. I Keep saying im just going to give up on Josh, but its really not that easy. I mean i still like him so much, but he "doesnt want a gf right now" I think its just a big load of crap. Like Chris Lopez told me "I'm very foolish. Foolish to believe the words of the fools who just like attention from foolish girls like me who believe them." or something like that. I cant remember exactly, btu it makes sense if you think about it. Anyways, i had a guard competition yesterday. we did shitty cuz of brandon, but i had fun hitting on guys. There was this one guy there that looked EXACTLY like Nick the kid i met from the zoo. I mean EXACTLY like him. His ears even stuck out and he had the blue eyes with the yellow ring in them that ive never seen before. It freaked me out. I was scared to talk to him and i couldnt help but just like stare at him. It brought back memories that i have with him and the night at the party when everything happened. He still holds my record of kissing. we got to the party at like 6:00 PM and we started kissin at like 6:30 and kept kissin until like 3:00 AM. The only time we stopped was when we were changin into our bathin suits, so it was a long time. But at the competition they looked exactly alike i wanna talk to him lol. Then they played this song by Yoyo Mah the cello guy and it reminded me of josh so i got sad. but then i got in a good mood again. I dunno. I dunno what me and Bee are either. I mean hes a really good friend and i kinda like him, but i cant see myself with him. besides, i like Josh alot. I might go to the military ball and hell be there so i guess ill decide then who knows. im gonna write out the words to that song and give them to josh for valentines day. Im also going to burn the cd just to be a pain in the ass cuz he dont like country at all. And im going to write him a card that says how much i like him. I dont think its gonna get me anywhere and i dont expect it to, it would jus tmake me feel better to know that i told him instead of other people telling him and just to know for a fact that he knows. I dunno. I dont know what to do at all. Somebody Help!! :0
A Chance
As of right now i dont know exactly what to write. I mean i know what im thinking, i just dont know how to put it into words. I think that song pretty much sums it up. As soon as i figure out what it is thats running through my mind i will come back and put names and stuff into it. Im just so confused!!
(Dean Dillon/Royce Porter)
Girl, don't you know it's all I can do
To keep my hands off of you
Anytime you're around
And when the stars come out at night
I dream of holdin' you tight
Everytime I lay down
It feels so good to me to have you this bad
The only other thing I wish I had was
A chance
A chance
To tell you how I feel about you
How it feels to live without a chance
A chance
To tell you I'll love you forever
Knowing that I'll never have a chance
Sometimes reality hurts
And you wonder if life's worth living at all
Knowing no matter how much you care
You'll never have a prayer
Of having what you want
At least I've been close enough I could taste
Beauty at it's best but never a trace of
A chance
A chance
To tell you how I feel about you
How it feels to live without a chance
A chance
To tell you I'll love you forever
Knowing that I'll never have a chance
A chance
A chance
To tell you I'll love you forever
Knowing that I'll never have
The chance
Wow.. in the past couple days so much has happened. On the 14th (tuesday) which would have been me and eriks one month since we started going back out he went to nightschool. He called me afterwards when he was at steven's house and was talkin about how they met this drunk girl there and they got in a car with her driving. I was like wow that is so stupid! So then the next day at lunch erik decides to tell me the rest of the story of that night. When they got in the car, erik was in the front and steven was in the back. So they are like driving along or whatever and the drunk girl goes "who wants to see titties?" so erik held the fucking steering wheel while she took of her shirt. She had no bra on so she was just like hangin there. She turns to erik and goes "touch them" and he didnt say or do anything so she reached over took his hand and put it on her boob. He fucking LET HER DO THAT!! so i guess he felt her up for the rest of the ride. When he told me i was really shocked. I went through a short period of being completely shocked to being pissed. So in percussion we had a blowout. I completely went off on him. Then when i got home i was in a "i hate him i hope he dies" stage. So i took all of his shit that i had at my house notes, clothes, a cd player, everything he gave me, the necklace the bracelet, the ring his dog tags, his sweatshirt his sweatpants our notebook everything and put it in a garbage bag and took it to his house. Then he called me after that and tried to turn it around by sayin all ive been doing since we got back together was hurting him and i was like no fuckin really ive been hurt since weve been back together, too. I was hurting for the eight months before we got back together, and im sure as hell hurting now so i dont even want to hear it and i told him to go fuck his drunk bitch cuz i didnt want anything to do with him anymore. Then later that night i got on the internet and was talkin to ray about it and i went from being i hate him i hope he dies to oh my god i love him so much and i just want everything to be like it was before. Like seriously, right now id do anything to be with him and argue about that stupid shit that we used to. I dunno i kinda think that maybe if i would have just had sex with him a couple times when he wanted to but i didnt feel like it then maybe this wouldnt have happened. I mean i dont have anything to lose, its not like its my first time or anything. I just didnt feel like it. Apparently i wasnt giving him what he wanted in the relationship so i guess its a good thing for him that we arent together, but i cant help but think of how much i miss him. If i ever had any doubts about loving him, they are not there anymore. I jsut wish there was some way that we could talk about it and not forget that this happened, but at least start completely over from scratch. Like they do on movies and re-introduce themselves to each other. Just like that. And if it bothered him that i flirted with other guys alot, then i would try to stop i really would. its just that he never said anything about it bothering him so i didnt think anything of it. I dunno i just love him so much...
Well me and erik had our little talk and he said hes gonna go back to bein punk.so i guess thats good. everyone is happy now. Well i think theres somethin wrong with me. I've beenr eally dizzy for like a month and last week on thursday it got so bad that when i was driving i had to stop because i was so dizzy i couldnt drive. And ive been really tired all the time. Like right now i can barely keep my eyes open and i already took a nap today. Plus, everything hurts. My muscles, my joints, my bones, everything. And ive been getting more headaches recently. I hurt to really do anything of anything and if it didnt hurt i was so dizzy i could barely do it. Then friday when i woke up for school it was so bad that it actually hurt to breathe. I dunno whats wrong i went to the doctor and hes sending me to get bloodwork and to a neurologist. Maybe if im lucky im dying. I think that would solve everything. If i could just die. I'd be so much happier. Im never happy, i dont know who my friends are, i dont even know if they are my REAL friends or not. Hell, half of my "friends" probably wouldnt care if i died. My mom is like the only one in my family who would care. My dad prolly wouldnt notice and my brother could care less about me. My grandparents are dying anyways. Everytime i see them i can tell that they wont be around much longer. I have nothing to live for. Theres just no point in me being here. I wish somebody would just come and put me out of my misery...
Just an example of how my friends dont care:
RockCG04: thats another problem in my free time all i do is cry and wish i were dead
EvErYtHiNgEnDs86: die
EvErYtHiNgEnDs86: im not stopping you
......
EvErYtHiNgEnDs86: do you want to die???
RockCG04: yeah
EvErYtHiNgEnDs86: go surfing
RockCG04: i dont surf
EvErYtHiNgEnDs86: why
RockCG04: because my friend died surfring and i dont really like going to the beach anymore
EvErYtHiNgEnDs86: you told me that the last time you surfed you almost died
EvErYtHiNgEnDs86: then if you want to die so bad go surfing and drown
RockCG04: i dont go to the beach
EvErYtHiNgEnDs86: you have a pool in you backyard
RockCG04: you cant force yourself to drown
EvErYtHiNgEnDs86: yes i know this
RockCG04: theres a psychological thing you cant force yourself to drown, you cant strangle yourself
EvErYtHiNgEnDs86: but you can hang yourself
RockCG04: nah... i wanna shoot myself in the head
EvErYtHiNgEnDs86: you know what if you want to die so bad, ill go and buy you the ebola virus and then you will be dead in 2 weeks
EvErYtHiNgEnDs86: well do it
EvErYtHiNgEnDs86: take the easy way out of life
I dunno what to do. Aparently Erik has been bitching to k.jo about be as much as ive been bitching to her about him lol. So today in percussion she sat us both down and had a little talk which didnt really do anything. so i printed out a few of my journal entries and i highlighted hte important stuff and im bringin it tomorow when we have another session. i dunno whats gonna happen. Erik asked me if i was gonna break up with him and i said i dunno then hes like if you broke up with me i wouldnt be able to handle that again. I might do something id regret and i wouldnt talk to you for a long time and all this other stuff. it felt like he was tryin to make me feel bad for him so id be with. i dunno. i hope everything goes ok tomorow. until i think of somethin else to write... later!
Howdy! I dunno what my main entry is gonna be about yet today, but i just wanted to write something before K.Jo reads this so shes see it. Im really glad we talk to each other about things. It makes me happy to know that whenever i have a problem that i can come to you and trust you with things that i wouldnt tell anyone else and know that you wont tell. Also, it felt good to know you trusted me to read your gray book today. I dunno if you let anyone else read it or not, but what you wrote in it really made me think and i enjoyed it because some of the things you wrote really seemed like they were written for me. I just want you to know that even though its usually just me talking to you, if you ever want to switch roles, ill do the best i can (im not sure i can give that good of advice though lol) Anyhoo... thats all until i figure out what i really want to write. Later Yall!
You know what? Bee is like a completely awesome person. I dont know why he doesnt have a gf. I mean hes cute hes sweet hes funny and you can joke around with him about stuff and you know hes not gonna take you seriously. Its great. Hes the best. Im going o put a lil bit in here just to prove how wonderful he is...
RockCG04: hey
XxRockSwimmerxX: yo
RockCG04: whats up?
XxRockSwimmerxX: i just got finishd guaging my ears...other than that nothing
RockCG04: eeew
RockCG04: lol
XxRockSwimmerxX: yah it hurt really bad
RockCG04: did you cry?
XxRockSwimmerxX: no
RockCG04: i was gonna stop by your house on saturday at like 12
XxRockSwimmerxX: u shouldof
XxRockSwimmerxX: *should of
RockCG04: but i couldnt member exactly which one
RockCG04: and i didnt wanna like go up to hte wrong house
RockCG04: lol
RockCG04: and i didnt know if youd be up yet
XxRockSwimmerxX: yah...its hard considering theres only 4 differen kinds of houses in the entire neighborhood
XxRockSwimmerxX: babe...i didnt sleep past 10 @ all
RockCG04: oh that sucks
RockCG04: you coulda come with me to melbourne
XxRockSwimmerxX: that would of been fun
XxRockSwimmerxX: wow...i have 14 ppl on but im only talking to u
RockCG04: lol
RockCG04: i have 6 on but im only talkin to 3
RockCG04: its cuz you love me so much
XxRockSwimmerxX: that and cuz everyone else sucks hairy monkey butt
RockCG04: hehe i guess that works
XxRockSwimmerxX: so how was ur christmas?
RockCG04: good
RockCG04: i got a love bird!!
RockCG04: hehe
RockCG04: how bout you?
XxRockSwimmerxX: it was alright
XxRockSwimmerxX: my birthday was pretty shitty though
XxRockSwimmerxX: i was alone:-(
RockCG04: aww you shoulda called me and been like megan come over and we can break in your backseat
RockCG04: lol
XxRockSwimmerxX: heh
RockCG04: i still never broke it in lol
XxRockSwimmerxX: holy shit
XxRockSwimmerxX: !
XxRockSwimmerxX: when i get my orgy bus u definetly got help me out
RockCG04: lol
RockCG04: what orgy bus?
XxRockSwimmerxX: VW bus...the hippy wagon
RockCG04: lol
RockCG04: theres two back seats in those, right?
XxRockSwimmerxX: yes there is
RockCG04: well you wouldnt wanna only break one in...
XxRockSwimmerxX: true true
RockCG04: so...
XxRockSwimmerxX: im sayin...u gotta help me out cuz im a a loser and get get ne poon :'(
XxRockSwimmerxX signed off at 8:02:58 PM.
XxRockSwimmerxX signed on at 8:10:33 PM.
RockCG04: you left me :-(
RockCG04: your not a loser
XxRockSwimmerxX: had to take a shower
XxRockSwimmerxX: well i cant get ne pootytang
RockCG04: good you stunk
RockCG04: lol j/k
RockCG04: sure you can
RockCG04: you could have on homecoming without a doubt
XxRockSwimmerxX: lol
RockCG04: because personally, i thought you looked good on homecoming
XxRockSwimmerxX: why thank u
XxRockSwimmerxX: homecoming was a reeeealy bad night
RockCG04: yeah, but you still looked good
RockCG04: hehe
XxRockSwimmerxX: lol
XxRockSwimmerxX signed off at 8:20:14 PM.
See what i mean? Hes the best! i really miss seein him alot and talkin to him all the time. I think this weekend we should do something. Most definately. So anyways... i was also talkin to ray about him being mad at me and erik and stuff.
RockCG04: hey
VADER376: hey
RockCG04: are you mad at me still?
VADER376: no
RockCG04: ok
RockCG04: if you dont mind me askin, why were you mad at me?
VADER376: because of all that stuff u guys were sayin
VADER376: its weird, not saying that its your fault, but my bro didnt do really any of that stuff until he started hanging out with you again
RockCG04: doing what?
RockCG04: what things that we said? the stuff about civel? that wasnt even much me. all i did was laugh
RockCG04: but i can see where that might get on your nerves
VADER376: all that stuff w/ the "n" word and that
RockCG04: oh
RockCG04: it made you mad that erik said it and then you think i made him like that so you got mad at me, right?
VADER376: well he never used to say that until he started hangin out w/ u again, i couldnt help but think that
RockCG04: yeah i understand
RockCG04: but i didnt make him turn into a redneck or a wannabe cowboy or whatever you wanna call it
RockCG04: he did it on his own
VADER376: yea, he probably did
VADER376: but i just miss the old erik
RockCG04: and now that hes halfway there i wanna either make him go back or get him all the way there
RockCG04: because honestly the highwaters with the boots isnt working and the baggy pants with the boots and studded belts... jsut not cutting it lol
RockCG04: i dunno i just feel sometimes like hes tryin to impress me and i dont understand why
VADER376: c? thats exactly what i am saying
VADER376: well, it may not have seemed that way to me or you at first, but thats what i am saying
VADER376: hes doing it for you
RockCG04: ive seen him at his worst and his best and i dunno why he tries to impress me
RockCG04: i like him for him not what he tries to be
RockCG04: in a way i actually miss the old erik alot too
VADER376: cuz ya know? i used to b able to relate to him alot better because we had almost the same personality type
VADER376: but now, its not like that anymore
Then we just started talkin about him either goin back to punk or all the way to cowboy and i kinda perfer punk that way hes bein what he really is and wants to be. I dunno. i just need to figure out what to do. You know what? I dont like people. People suck (well except Bee and depending on what kind of mood im in a few other select people) They just make me so angry. Thats why i like animals and things better. just things. i dunno im kinda rambling about nothing. this is completely off topic, but im going to quote a very wise person. "Where does love go when you decide you dont love someone anymore?" that is a very wise thing to say. this person should like copyright it or something so they get a nickel every time someone says it. Like when teachers say "if i had a nickel for every time i hear 'oh i left it at home' id be so rich" blah blah blah.... Those are people that i really dont like. Teachers. The teachers i dont have are fine, but as soon as i get them i dont like them. i dunno im gonna go until i can figure out something to say that makes sense...
You know what sucks? we have to go back to school tomorow. its rediculous. what happened to the old breaks when we used to get like a month off? those were awesome. now i dont even have time to sit down before its christmas and i barely have time to put away the things i got before i have to go back to school. I mean really... school sucks so bad i seriously need a break. Im am so about to drop out and go into genesis. or adult ed or something. The song By linkin Park "Im about to break" or "one step closer" or whatever the hell its called is definately applicable here. (Wow i need to show emily the i properly used a big word! shell be so proud) well see what happens with that. Jeez... me and erik got in another arguement today (i know that must come as a surprise.) It was so stupid he over reacted so bad. We were on the phone when christy beeped in so i clicked over and god forbid (this is sooooo terrible of me) i forgot about him. So he sat on hold for literally half an hour before he hung up and called me back and completely got pissed at me going off saying that id rather talk to other people than him and all this other stupid shit then i was like ok whatever this is so stupid and he got mad cuz i didnt care so i finally i got through to him how stupid and pointless the whole thing really was and hes like fine just dont do it again like hes my god damned parent or something. Im so tired of argueing with him all the time. I really dont think i can put up with it much longer. (K.Jo we need to have a session) Im still real excited over the game on friday. Right now Im rubbin it in keiths face that OSU won cuz he said Miami was gonna win without a doubt and that OSU shuldnt have even amde it into the game... I guess we all saw how it REALLY was. hehe anyhoo... i have to go cuz i gotta get shit in order for tomorow at school :( :( :( later
I have now thought of something else... The whole things with stacy confuses me. Like before i knew exactly where we stood. She hated me and was like completely pissed at me and we didnt talk and werent even remotely close to being friends and we couldnt even be really with the same group of friends at the same time. Now that we had our little talk on the way home from state (i feel alot better now that we got everything off our chests. or at least i did) I dont know really where we are. I mean i know we are really "friends" but we arent "enemies" either its that kinda in between space where we are and thats just confusing. Its still kinda weird to be around the same group of people cuz i dont really know if i should say anything or what to say and she probably doesnt either. I dunno (K.Jo we should talk about this too... Ill just make a list of everything to talk about in our next session lol) Also... the thing with erik... I dont want to break up with him i just get so frustrated. I wish there was a way to stay with him and be happy, but right now i cant find one. I tried what K.Jo told me to do but it isnt working. Besides, i think hes trying to please me by acting like a cowboy and trying to dress like one. Hes trying to be what i want him to be or something. I never said he had to change or i wanted him to be a cowboy he jsut kinda did that on his own but hes like half cowboy half punk rock and its weird. He dresses in black boots "wranglers" (which dont fit right at all then i was gonna buy him a pair of real wranglers that fit right and he got pissed at me so whatever) but then he will wear a black studded belt and a "punk rock" shirt and honestly it looks kinda stupid. and i kinda feel like he only listens to country because i do. On his Cds he only really listens to the songs that come on the radio not the other ones. Its a complete waste of a cd. It will have like 11 songs and he only listens to 2 or 3. And hell only listen to those 2 or 3 until another song comes on the radio then hell listen to that one too but not the rest. it kinda bothers me cuz the whole cd is good but he doesnt know that cuz he never listens to the rest... i dunno (thats goin on my list, too, K.Jo) I talked to lindsey about it and she said it sounded like he was tryin to impress me which is stupid cuz he shouldnt have to try and impress me. Im already with him and ive seen him at his best and his worst so why should it matter. If he doesnt try to be like that im not gonna like him any less and it doesnt make me like him any more if he does try to act like that. I just dont understand...
Also... Erik thinks he knows everything about everything. That day after the OSU game when we were driving down to melbourne and my mom has this entire cd of nothing but OSU marching band songs like the fight song and songs that have been around since forever and we were listening to it. He started talking about their band like he knew everything about it and it was like common sense stuff then he said something that it sounded like he was makin it up so i disagreed with him and he got mad and i was like you dont know anything about Ohio state. and he got pissed. I mean yeah it was kinda blunt and rude, but it was true and he was already pissing me off so whatever. Also, i am re-decorating my room and so is my brother. My brother only STARTED priming his walls and thats it. he didnt clean it he didnt do anything. My dad cleaned his room for him, moved all his furniture to the middle of the room for him, and scrubbed all the woodwork clean for him. But im redoing my room and i have to do everything myself. Then i finally finish and my dad says wait until we are done with dannys to do mine. ok... NO! that is so NOT FAIR!! I did everything myself and danny didnt even do shit he didnt even help at all. He doesnt even have any ideas of what he wants for his room just and "ancient map" theme. my MOM (not him) is out looking for fabric for the bed and windows and everytime she comes home with fabric he doesnt like it (not to mention his fabric is expensive as hell. like $15 a yard) he doesnt know what paint color he wants or anything. I picked out my colors, i know exactly how im doing it, and i picked out my fabric in like an hour (mine is only like $2 or $3 a yard). And my dad is like we are concentrating on his right now i wont be able to concentrate on yours. Well then done concentrate on it. I dont need his help to paint. I can do it myself. Which is another difference. My brother wants his room redone, but he doesnt wanna do it. I think its fun and i wanna redo my room MYSELF and actually work on it MYSELF. Besides... hes 20 and wants his room redone thats a hint that he doesnt wanna leave. I wanna redo my room while im still in high school (im moving out after i graduate) that way if someone comes and stays at our house in my room its not a little girl room or if i have to stay there. I hate my room the way it is. well... im done venting for now... check back in like 20 minutes lol... later
Ok this is the LAST thing... i promise! i just wanted to say that i got my hair done like a week ago and i really really like it. Its how ive wanted it since forever. I just love to look at it and see how cute it looks. (sorry that sounds really conceited but i didnt mean it that way) buh byes!
Damn its been a while... Well since im finally un-grounded ill update. So much has happened since hte last time i wrote. I told Erik that i kinda liked sean. I cant remember exactly how it happened, but sean was over at my house watchin the UF vs FSU game (which sucked by the way) and erik called from the keys while he was over and kinda figured it all out for himself. It didnt go over well erik got on the phone with sean and started sayin he hated him as a friend and all this other shit it was a big mess. That night after the game (it was Nov 30) at like 1:00 in the mornin sean asked me out so i didnt know wether to consider it as the 30th or the 1st. Not like it mattered much anyways... Then On that monday i told bee that me and sean were datin and before i could tell erik bee told him so then erik completely freaked out on me sayin a was a hoe and that he never meant anything to me since i could go out with his best bud without feelin bad and all this other crap. Then he apologized an hour later it was pointless. Umm... what happened after that...? Oh! We won our game against Jesuit. Lets see... Me and sean were goin out and fine and shit when eriks birthday was dec 14 (the day of the state game) His mommy came up from the keys and we all went out to dinner for his birthday on the friday before (we had gay waiters) Earlier in the week i had told erik that i still had alot of feelings for him. His mom didnt know we ever broke up in the first place so to make her happy we were actin like we were goin out, which wasnt completely acting cuz i wanted to be with him. So that night we kinda got back together but not really. Then the next day was state sean rode up on the fan bus that the guard and some drumline was stuck on with this loud ass black people who would not shut the hell up. The game was good we won 22-0 that game was completely rediculous. the state championship should not be a shutout. Then after hte game at the barbeque i had a huge headache and i didnt feel good so i had erik tell sean that i didnt wanna be with him anymore (i know i took the pussy way out but still...) Sean didnt seem to happy about that he kinda ignored me for the rest of the night. which i kinda expected so im not too mad about it. Now sean like wont talk to me at all i havent talked to him really since that day so i think he hates me or somethinjg who knows. In a way i kinda miss being with him but in a way i dont... im not sure. SO me and erik are back together. We argue just as much as we always have if not more... Christmas was good i got a lovebird! his name is toby. OMG GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!! i might go to a KENNY CHESNEY concert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im so excited if my mom doesnt let me go im gonna kill myself or something i dunno. then randy travis is comin to the king center so me and lindsey might go see him too but id rather go see kenny. thats my man right there we gunna get married! Umm... thats pretty much it for now. If i think of something else i will add it. later!
Oh yeah!! how could i forget? Last night was the national college football championship between University of Miami and Ohio State. GO OSU!!! the final score was 31 to 24 in double over time. it was like one of hte best football games ive ever seen. I almost had a heart attack in the over times. I drove all over to get an ohio state shirt but nowhere had then but this store i went in at the very begining in the melbourne mall said they were getting s shipment of them in at 5:500 so i callled at like 5:15 and they said they were on the way and they should be there in like 45 minutes and that they would probably go quick cuz people had been asking about them all day and they only ordered 32 so i put one on hold and got my ass down there as soon as i could and got it. Im happy now lol. Im so wearin it on monday. gotta show that OSU pride! hehe Ok i think thats really it this time. LATER YALL!
Well Im talkin to Civil War on the phone. weve been talkin like all mornin cuz we are both bored as hell. Last night sean made me promise that i would tell erik today that i like him, so now im waiting for erik to call cuz he told me esterday that he would. Im so nervous. i dunno how hes gonna take it. ihope he takes it ok. i doubt it though. We have a game tonight. were playin ft pierce westwood. we already played them this year and we beat them i think. last year they forfetid to us. I think we will win. next week we will be playin either jesuit or Southeast. I think it will prolly be Jesuit. Anyways... i guess thats all for now. ill update later tonight about talking to erik and the game and shit.
Happy thanksgivin! Well today was i guess a good day im stuffed. My grampa got sick and he couldnt come over and have thanksgiving with us. I was sad. Anyways... since sunday things havent got much better. Apparently at the game friday this kid Craig brought his step brother Randy. I dont really member much about him, but come 3rd period monday craig asked what i thought of Randy. I guess Randy said he was "interested". So Craig gave him my # but he didnt call. i didnt really expect him to and i dunno if i even wanted him to. The whole deal with Josh? I give up! im not gonna sit around and wait for him. If he "doesnt want a gf right now" or if hes "too busy right now" or whatever his excuse is, thats just too damn bad for him. And if he finally decides that he has time for me, that sucks for him because im not going back to him. Im tired of it and i think its a waste of my time. Then theres the whole erik, bee and sean gig. I still care about erik alot, but were not gonna be together again, so i guess i just gotta move on. Theres no point in me sittin around wishin that we could get back together. I like Sean, but i cant do that to Erik. Theyre best friends. Thats just wrong. it would hurt erik alot and the whole reason that we cant get back together is because i dont want to hurt him. By going out with Sean it would hurt him anyways... whichever way i go hes gonna get hurt. Thats a tough decision. Unless i stay single which i dont think i can do because when im single i get depressed and i feel so unloved. I need to be with someone and have someone to hug and kiss to feel like anyone even cares about me. I just miss erik so much sometimes... And Bee, hes just a friend. Even if we did like each other and go out, it wouldnt last long. Were not compatable at all. Not that he likes me like that anyways, and i dont like him like that either. I dunno. i just need someone to come in and solve all my problems for me so that everyone ends up happy.
I spent all day today cleaning because my aunt and uncle are coming over tomorow. God forbid my room be dirty. its not like they are comin in there anyways. I dunno. Well, i dunno whats going on with erik.. I was talkin to bee:
XxrockswimmerxX: i have something to say
RockCG04: what?
XxrockswimmerxX: u and erik are THE most stupborn people in the world
RockCG04: lol
RockCG04: why do you say that?
XxrockswimmerxX: i jus think...no i kno that yall are in love out the ying-yang and i think u should get it over w/ amd get back together
XxrockswimmerxX: u r all he EVER talks about
RockCG04: aww really?
XxrockswimmerxX: and im about to kill him if he doesnt shut up w/ his winingh
XxrockswimmerxX: *whining
XxrockswimmerxX: seriously he needs to go on oprah or somethin
RockCG04: roflol
XxrockswimmerxX: i guarentee that in 20 yrs im gonna run into yall in publix or something and ur gonna have like 4 kids
RockCG04: lol
RockCG04: more than that
XxrockswimmerxX: ok then
XxrockswimmerxX: no but just get back together
XxrockswimmerxX: cuz if he doesnt shut up...im gonna punch him in the neck
RockCG04: lol
RockCG04: we cant get back together
XxrockswimmerxX: why?
RockCG04: cuz i said so
XxrockswimmerxX: give me a reason
RockCG04: he made me make a choice so i made one and im not gonna keep chagin my mind its not fair to him or me
XxrockswimmerxX: ok...im gonna punch u both in the neck
RockCG04: he kept tellin me how much i was hurtin him, so i decided that since i have no garuntee that i wont hurt him again then we cant be together cuz i dont wanna hurt him anymore
XxrockswimmerxX: do u love him?
RockCG04: i used to
RockCG04: im not sure anymore
And that was the end of it. I dunno lately ive been like picturing myself with other guys. I'm not saying i like them and im not saying i dont, its just that every guy i see i picture myself with him. Most of them i think about and im like 'no that wouldnt work what am i thinking' but some of them im like 'hey thats not such a bad idea.' And i dont know what to do about that because the main two are like Eriks best friends (im not gonna mention their names). i dont know what that means, because both of the guys ive liked at one point or another. I just feel like i dont know anything anymore. I feel like such a bitch for even THINKING about one of his friends like that. Im so confused... somebody help me!
Well last night was good and bad at the same time. It was the Hollandale Rockledge game. My knee hurt really bad and it was cold. Plus, Mrs. Reppert is a bitch. I can't stand her i wanna quit so bad! But its hard for me to quit cuz then people would get mad and talk shit. That seems like its all anybody can do, is talk a whole load of shit about their "friends." And you know what? i dont even care anymore. If they wanna be little two faced bitches, let them. I'm not going to waste my time with them cuz all it does is cause more problems that wouldnt even happen if people were good friends. Anyways after the game i was just really upset and depressed. After a good night sleep im still kinda depressed, but watchin Ohio State win against Michigan with my mom kinda made me feel a little bit better. When you get older you think you can take care of your own problems and that you dont need your parents anymore, but thwne your upset, nothin makes you feel better than a hug from your mommy.
Well, today is the first day of my journal. Its just something i'm gonna use to get out my feelings and hopefully deal with stress. Maybe it will help, maybe it wont, who knows. But i guess its worth a try. Today i'm feelin kinda shitty cuz my knee hurts and my back hurts. As soon as i got home i was in a bad mood cuz my dad was home. i cant wait i turn 18. The day of i am moving out into my own place where i dont have to see him.Anyways... i checked out for the math test cuz i was gonna fail and since erik was stuck at home i went to go visit him. He tought me to play a song on the guitar. :) im so proud of myself. We had fun (or at least i did) and its times like that when i really miss him. But hey, i made a choice and im stuck with it no matter what. Right? Sometimes though i wonder if it was the right choice after all....
