Magnet Poem
Topic: One Ramblin' Ranter!

An Attack on Hackey Sacks (And George Speaks Out)
Mood:  on fire
Topic: A Mike and George Moment

I was taking a walk around the neighborhood today and as I turned a corner on the walk I saw some college aged people playing hackey sack. I noticed none of them were smiling they were just watching each other kick the sack around. This got me thinking about the fact that hackey sack is the worst waste of time ever! Don't believe me? I'll prove it! Have you ever....

(Testing.... Testing.... can you hear me? Well I guess you can't answer that question. This is George Jefferson, Mike's fish! I just did you all a huge favor; that would have been the most boring couple of minutes of your life! Mike means well but he just is totally missing the mark with this rant. I bet you are wondering what is going on. It is actually quite an interesting situation actually so I am glad you are curious! I invented a device that has let me occasionally take over his mind. I can't do much with it but I can get him to occasionally buy some great fish treat for me and today I managed to make him write my words in his blog. He doesn't even realize that you are all missing the various reasons why he thinks hackey sack sucks! I managed to turn the light device on my tank into a transmitter that can temporarily control his actions. I am a freaking genius! You know it's true! I am doing you a such a big favor, check out this sentence!)

Have you ever had to pick the hackey sack up off the ground every time you get to the third kick? That totally sucks!

(See what I mean about doing you a favor? Talk about boring! He and I have had a few disagreements in the past but ever since I invented this device I have been able to tolerate him. He can be an insensitive jerk sometimes, like last night he asked me if I wanted to take a walk to the park! A WALK! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!?? WHAT A TOTAL JERK! HE KNOWS I CAN'T FREAKING WALK! DOES HE EVER ASK ME OUT FOR A SWIM??? NO, NO HE DOESN'T! OK, sorry I need to relax. Wooo I could have killed him! If it wasn't for the fact that he feeds me I probably would have. Let's check in on his ramble.)

I mean who wants to kick around a sack? You know what I mean?

(A HUGE FAVOR! Anyway I am here for a point! BUY MY FREAKING GEORGE STICKER! I CAN NOT BELIEVE THE STUPID STEWEY CUP IS HIS NUMBER ONE ITEM! YOU GUYS ARE SLACKERS! DON'T MAKE ME TAKE OVER YOUR MINDS!

Click on me!

Other then not having the number one item I have been doing well. The fish life is an easy one. I swim around and hide under the filter and then I go to the Buddha statue for a little worship time. Finally I head to the fake plant to seek inner peace. It's a good life!

He is almost done with his stupid hackey sack rant..... I better go. I will talk to you all again real soon!)

And that is why hackey sacks should be destroyed and all hackey sack enthusiasts should be jailed under the Patriot Act!

The Honest to Gosh Truth about Myspace
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: One Ramblin' Ranter!
I have not always been the best at maintaining friendships. I have let plenty of people slip through my fingers that I never should have. People that were great friends that I had a lot of fun times with have just been lost or left behind. I know that people grow up and life takes over and there is not a whole lot that you can do about losing touch. It happens and it is a part of growing up and starting a life but there are definately people that I should never have lost touch with. People that played a huge role in shaping my world view. I miss these people.

That is why it is so odd to find that a place on the internet has reunited me with a few of those friends. A place that I really don't care to spend much time at. That place is Myspace. Some of you are already a member, some of you know about it from the news, some of you know about it because people you know are on it and tell you that you should join and some of you have no idea what I am talking about. It's actually kind of funny that I am here extolling the virtues of a website that I can't stand. If you had asked me 6 months ago what I thought of Myspace I would have said "It is the dumbest waste of time in the world and I don't see the point!" Now my answer would be: "It is the biggest waste of time but once your page is up it actually will get you in touch with old lost friends. So it is actually kind of exciting." I hate Myspace, I readily admit it, but if you are not on it you are missing out.

I joined Myspace a while back I think it was the end of 2004 or the beginning of 2005. I might be wrong but it doesn't really matter when it was because I did not start getting interested until around the end of July 2005 when I had a visit from an old friend, Francisco. I knew him back in my senior year of high school when we had the same creative writing class together. I was excited to hear from him. I perused his friends list and spotted some other people and emailed them a little but after that first bit of excitement I lost interest in Myspace again. Then I got a bunch of friend requests from my fraternity brothers and I added them. I didn't get that excited about those guys because I had recently seen a lot of them in Flagstaff. Then I got an email from Mandie an old friend from high school and that got me excited because I hadn't talked to her in years and lots of things had changed. She had moved back to Chicago and I had moved to Portland so we had the escape from Phoenix thing in common. Then I was contacted by another old high school friend Chelsea. I caught back up on her life and it was fun to talk again. All of that was great, so I updated the page a little and did a little blogging there. I started recieving a few friend requests here and there and I exchanged emails with various people and was enjoying the connection with old friends.

Yesterday I got the best ever email and friend request from my good old gazebo partner, Karla! I have often lamented the fact that after high school she and I had no more time for gazeboing, sharing our writing and other artistic pursuits. So hearing from her totally made my day. I want to very quickly plug her site www.KarlaScarff.com where she displays her photographic talent. I can say I know a photographer the next time someone asks if I know any photographers. Anyhow our conversation just made me feel so good that I had to share her website. If I had access to her writing I would share it as well because she was an awesome writer and I am more then sure she still is.

I think that Myspace is a great place to reunite with people. I know that all you hear about are the pedophiles and the sex freaks but there are normal people on there too. Don't worry there are places for people like you all as well (since none of you are normal). I mean they let me have a page. Would I recommend devoting my world to that site, NO!

To all my friends whether current, future, new, old, lost or even slightly misplaced thank you. Oh yeah and holla at ya boy!

PS. I stole this idea from Karla's Myspace blog. Gotta give credit where credit is due.

Public Transportation and the books speak....
Mood:  suave
Topic: One Ramblin' Ranter!
I did it I took the bus to the Oregon Convention Center instead of driving! It was a little cheaper and it was a lot more pleasant when I didn't have to drive with all the morons. I saw some real neat near by restaurants and a few potential breakfast spots that my dad demanded I find. I may have to do the trip again to remember exactly where though. I figure it was a lot cheaper then the parking garage. My next step will be to take a bus to Powells and then maybe to the zoo or something. I am a little leary of the zoo however since I am afraid they might keep me. Either way the bus was not horrible and now I need to figure it out a little more in depth. I hope to show off my public transportation prowess to the next visitor I have.

The Wordstock Festival was amazingly fun. I talked to people about all kinds of things. I was real excited and I got some great ideas and some great advice. They had speakers talking about their writing and it was all exciting and interesting. When I get some money together I will pick some of those books up and let you know about them. It was a great way to spend a day off.

P&C Test and other news
Mood:  chillin'
Well I did it, I passed the Property and Casualty test. I didn't even really study much the night before. I had a hard time focusing after taking the Life and Health test and suprising myself by passing that one. I felt like I had ADHD. The words on the pages didn't make sense nor did the television shows. Somehow I managed to pass with an 81%, now all I need to do is start selling. I need some money, Mikey needs a new pair of shoes!

I don't have anything too exciting to say besides that I passed both tests so I figured I would just do some random updates.

My buddy Kevin and his wife Becky are having a baby. I am not sure who I told so some of you are reading this thinking "AND THEN?" Anyways I found out today that they are going to be having a baby girl. Kevin told me he has already started shopping for the perfect shotgun to meet the future boys with. So that is pretty exciting.

I am working on a new logo for my site. I am probably going to combine some old style with some new style and when I finish I will be putting it on a black t-shirt to sell at my store. I am excited about that so I will keep you abreast of all updates. I am always open for suggestions for possible design ideas if you have any. Raymond there will be no P.A.T. shirts because that is not appropriate material for the site but I can show you how to get that online and how you can start selling it... hehe.

More me news; this weekend is an event called Wordstock in Portland and all kinds of writers show up and talk about and hawk their books. I bought a ticket and I talked to a lot of people including people that produce literary journals that are seeking submissions. I plan on heading back there tomorrow, I bought the 2 day pass because by the time I remembered it was happening the day was almost over and the 2 day pass was 5 bucks which was less then the parking. I need to try the bus system tomorrow since I will be there longer. I plan to get my 5 bucks worth. You can see what Wordstock is all about by going to wordstockfestival.com or clicking here.

The Milwaukie Retirement Center
Topic: One Ramblin' Ranter!

The local park has a retirement center attached and I sometimes swing by when I am in the park to use the restroom and to look at old people. I walk in with headphones blaring and camera in hand so I figure I am as much of a curiosity to old people as they are to me. So we are aiding and entertaining each other. I have been dropping in a lot lately since I have been taking daily walks in the area, one needs to ponder upon the porcelain throne occasionally. Today I started noticing some disturbing trends at this local retirement hangout or should I call it retired degenerate hangout. You will see what I mean I brought back photographic evidence. I have found destroyed public signs, strange pictures on the community events area and daily displays of thoughtlessness.

I think first I should address the wanton destruction of city property. I have a photo to show you.

Does this look like a good handicapped parking spot to you? It's not even near the building! I wanted to park my car there so that the handicapped people could have my much closer spot that was by the door but I can't afford the ticket at the moment. I decided I would have to take the close spot and they would just have to hoof it. I didn't put up the signs so naturally it isn't my fault.

After my deep pontification session I found myself looking at the community events board and saw that a clever show was coming to town.

Looks cute right? A murder mystery luau, what will they think of next? I bet the seniors are already lined up! The overnight camp outs for this show probably make the Star Wars geeks look soft..... Wait a minute! What is that below the picture???

HOLY NAKED GUY BATMAN! What the hell is this couple doing?? Is this some kind of maid service? Can I just order the naked girl or is the guy included? This is at the Retirement center! Old people aren't allowed to have libidos!! This is an utter outrage!! What is even worse is there is no number to call to see if they will clean my house! Shocking!!

After I was done being floored by that picture I found this event. Which just shows how cruel people can be to each other. Even when the people we are talking about are old, you know like really really old.

Will somebody please tell me how people with Alzheimer's will possibly remember to go to this event? I mean, hello!

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PS. Yeah I went there, sorry folks.... don't get mad it's just a joke.... kiss kiss

Life and Health Test Results
Mood:  vegas lucky
Well the goal was to pass. Hopefully without having to set up the second test. So I studied and studied. I was very nervous about this test. I never passed any assesments so I was sure it would be an utter disaster. I went in and started the test and the first 10 questions made absolutely no sense to me. I actually think they made up terms and stuck them in the test. I have no recollection of reading about half of these products and I read the books twice! So I was sure as I submitted my answers that I was going straight to jail without passing go! I knew I had failed before he turned to me and said CONGRATULATIONS! I slapped him for playing a dirty trick and he made me take the test again.... Wait no I was actually flabbergasted I started yammering statements like "What?? No freaking WAY!!!" and I nearly yelled "WOOOOO!!" I am still amazed I passed! In order to pass I had to score above a 70% and I scored 71%. So I passed by the skin of my teeth. Now the preperation begins for the Property and Casualty test tomorrow.

The Park and Thoughts of Death Go Hand in Hand
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: One Ramblin' Ranter!

Usually when I go to a park in the spring time I think about new life and beginnings. Today's stroll started out the same; I heard the birds chirping and felt the sun warm my body. I was in heaven and I was in Hades all at the same time because I was trying to study and every little distraction tore me away from the insurance drivel. After about 30 minutes of test taking and researching I decided to go for a stroll with a goal of ending up back at home. I was walking around when I was drawn to the hibernating rose garden to sit and jot down notes. I had not noticed it before but every bench was dedicated 'In Loving Memory'. It started giving me the heebie jeebies; I mean why dedicate a bench to someone that is dead. Then I really started pondering it and I sat my fanny down on Faye's bench to write and think. What exactly is the purpose of dedicating a bench to a deceased love one in a park? Do they get to enjoy it? No. Did they get to brag about it to their cronies? "You know what Joey got me? A bench in the rose garden! And let me tell you it sure is comfy! I know you're jealous!" No, that doesn't happen either. You might believe everyone goes into heaven and has nothing better to do then watch their loved ones carry on with their day to day lives but I am not so sure. In my heaven that part of the day is an hour long program, similar to Sportscenter that just gives you the day's highlights and the daily paper posts your living relations Heaven - Hell score in the paper. In my heaven, I am way too busy learning to play shuffleboard and canasta to bother with those still alive outside of the one hour long program and the 15 minutes spent reading the Heaven Gazette. That might just be my heaven though. Anyway even if all you get to do is watch your living relatives do you really want to watch them dedicate a bench that they never visit? No, you probably had enough of the lack of visits while you were alive. So if any of you have already reserved my bench in honor of my death, which I am hoping is a long way off, do me a favor and just get it for me now. Then you and I can have a picnic on it and have pictures of it. All I am asking for is to be able to use that bench before I die! C'mon you're getting it for me for crying out loud! I decided at this point to stop pissing Faye off and I got up from her bench to walk around. That was when I started noticing the dedicated bricks had a few loving tributes to dead people as well. So if this was actually your plans for my post-mortem memorial please inscribe it with "This Brick has been dedicated to Michael Williams, although it's an insult to the brick since it has had a lot more meaningful conversations with me!" Bricks of course make a very clean jump to tombstones. I do not want to be stuck in a wooden coffin that cost more then my car and buried in a plot of land. I would much rather be involved in a funeral pyre or better yet a classic Viking Funeral. Of course that having been said I realize there are rules. Since I would be dead you pretty much could do whatever you like. I was envisioning the Coast Guard intervening as you went to light my boat up and the forestry service may frown on the funeral Pyre idea. So if you have to get a tombstone make sure it is clever, at least half this clever "Here Lies Michael Williams. Thank the Lord I had the good sense to get my money back from him last week!" (BEAT THIS TOMBSTONE INSCRIPTION CONTEST! If you come up with a funnier inscription for yourself, your half sister Luna, your mama, your cousin Toto, your next door neighbor Frank or me; please submit it to me! The winner will get bragging rights and more importantly some Crazedlunatikdesigns.com swag! You can either email me directly or post it as a comment here. The posted comment will be a better way to display your wit since others will see it but either way will work.)

That being said, I wanted to say that I am hoping the post-mortem memorials are a ways off but I am willing to except any living memorial you feel the need to erect, hehe. I was thinking about what I would prefer after my death and that is to have you plant a tree. With every life taken a new one begins. I hope you all enter the contest it's easy and it's free, good luck. Take care of each other and now I return to the insurance books because I feel a nap brewing!

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My Dad and the Map
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: One Ramblin' Ranter!
When my dad visited last weekend I put him in charge of figuring out where we would go Saturday afternoon. He ended up with two choices and he let me decide and I do admit I might have picked incorrectly (stupid art museum!) but that is not the point. We were heading over there and he handed me the Oregon books I own and wanted directions well the maps were tiny and hard to read. It hadn't even occured to me to grab the large city map before we left. So we were driving around and he is asking me how far things are and what the best way to go is. I couldn't tell so he decides that I need a good map of downtown. I tell him that I have a Portland map in my car and since we just happened to be in his car I hadn't thought of bringing it. I say all of that but it was like he didnn't hear me and he continues on about the map of downtown and the absolute need that I have of one. When we finally escaped the art museum we tried to use the books' maps to judge the distance from the art museum to Powell's. Even now I am still not sure what the distance is. We decided to drive to Powell's and while we are walking around inside he finds this little free map of downtown and starts telling me I should take it home and put it in my car. I actually already have this exact map from a previous visit to Powell's and there is also the fact that I have a better map in the car. I take this little map, thinking that this is my version of the TPS Reports in 'Office Space' because I have a perfectly good map in my car it just happens to not be with us and no matter how much I say this he keeps trying to solve my problems with a free map.

"Did you get the memo about the DOWNTOWN MAP??"
'I already have a map.'
"Hmmm... well I 'll leave this one with you since you need one."
'Ok dad....'

When we left Powell's, we tried to use the litle free map to find Widmer Brewery but of course Widmer is not in downtown so the map was useless. When we finally find Widmer I put the map down on the seat hoping it would be forgotten. Unfortunately he picked the map conversation right back up after we leave Widmer and were headed to the Olive Garden. I managed to leave the map in the car that night in another attempt to leave it behind in his car, it didn't work. Sure enough the next day as we head back from Shari's he sees the map. He starts telling me I need to keep the map because it would be helpful next time I want to go downtown. Once again forgetting that I have a better map in my car. So after we do a quick run in to Albertsons, so that I can pick up some cereal and a few other items I needed; I put the map in my grocery bag to appease him. While he told me how that map would be my solution to the mysteries of life.

hehe I love ya dad.... :)
The map is in my car waiting for your next visit.

Reader of the Week Correction
Mood:  accident prone
Topic: Reader of the Week
It has come to the attention of myself that some of the facts previously reported about Maryann may not be correct. Here is the retraction:


'Height: 12’4” '
--- She is actually only 11'1" ---

'2. She recently married Glenn. Glenn is from the planet snog and likes to munch on paper. He is 10’2” and has blue fur on his belly. I have no word on what he does for a living but I believe it has something to do with evil plots and kicking small animals. I will get you a full report when his featured week happens!'
---- The fur on Glenn's belly is actually lavender in color, sorry. ----

'5. She has two dark red eyes and worships the devil!'

--- Her eyes are not dark red they are more candy apple red and she actually associates with lesser demons and worships none of them and doesn't even believe in the devil. ----

'2. She likes collecting snails, toads, spiders and puppies.'

---- She doesn't collect any of those things she actually steals wallabes. ----

'4. Maryann recently won the lottery and is investing all that money in a rocket to take her to the moon, where she plans to set up the first colony and the first fast food restaurant. The fast food joint will have no vegetables and be completely about meat. Instead of fries you can order up a nice side of lizard gizzards! Yeah it is making me hungry too! The value meal promises a special T-Rex Burger, a large side of lizard gizzards, a three piece chicken feet with ranch dressing and a nice butter milkshake! That’s how you spell down home cooking! '

---- This was actually the largest error, she is actually setting up the new restaurant on the rings of Saturn and the T-Rex burger was so last week! The menu is top secret and she has not released any of the information on it. I have heard rumors that she may be serving Soylent Green! Which some of you may know that "SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!" -----

This recent uncovering of poorly reported facts has pushed back the announcement of this weeks winner. I have to double check all the facts and I will post the winner as soon as possible! Thank you for your understanding and cooperation!