The Milwaukie Retirement Center
Topic: One Ramblin' Ranter!

The local park has a retirement center attached and I sometimes swing by when I am in the park to use the restroom and to look at old people. I walk in with headphones blaring and camera in hand so I figure I am as much of a curiosity to old people as they are to me. So we are aiding and entertaining each other. I have been dropping in a lot lately since I have been taking daily walks in the area, one needs to ponder upon the porcelain throne occasionally. Today I started noticing some disturbing trends at this local retirement hangout or should I call it retired degenerate hangout. You will see what I mean I brought back photographic evidence. I have found destroyed public signs, strange pictures on the community events area and daily displays of thoughtlessness.

I think first I should address the wanton destruction of city property. I have a photo to show you.

Does this look like a good handicapped parking spot to you? It's not even near the building! I wanted to park my car there so that the handicapped people could have my much closer spot that was by the door but I can't afford the ticket at the moment. I decided I would have to take the close spot and they would just have to hoof it. I didn't put up the signs so naturally it isn't my fault.

After my deep pontification session I found myself looking at the community events board and saw that a clever show was coming to town.

Looks cute right? A murder mystery luau, what will they think of next? I bet the seniors are already lined up! The overnight camp outs for this show probably make the Star Wars geeks look soft..... Wait a minute! What is that below the picture???

HOLY NAKED GUY BATMAN! What the hell is this couple doing?? Is this some kind of maid service? Can I just order the naked girl or is the guy included? This is at the Retirement center! Old people aren't allowed to have libidos!! This is an utter outrage!! What is even worse is there is no number to call to see if they will clean my house! Shocking!!

After I was done being floored by that picture I found this event. Which just shows how cruel people can be to each other. Even when the people we are talking about are old, you know like really really old.

Will somebody please tell me how people with Alzheimer's will possibly remember to go to this event? I mean, hello!

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PS. Yeah I went there, sorry folks.... don't get mad it's just a joke.... kiss kiss

Life and Health Test Results
Mood:  vegas lucky
Well the goal was to pass. Hopefully without having to set up the second test. So I studied and studied. I was very nervous about this test. I never passed any assesments so I was sure it would be an utter disaster. I went in and started the test and the first 10 questions made absolutely no sense to me. I actually think they made up terms and stuck them in the test. I have no recollection of reading about half of these products and I read the books twice! So I was sure as I submitted my answers that I was going straight to jail without passing go! I knew I had failed before he turned to me and said CONGRATULATIONS! I slapped him for playing a dirty trick and he made me take the test again.... Wait no I was actually flabbergasted I started yammering statements like "What?? No freaking WAY!!!" and I nearly yelled "WOOOOO!!" I am still amazed I passed! In order to pass I had to score above a 70% and I scored 71%. So I passed by the skin of my teeth. Now the preperation begins for the Property and Casualty test tomorrow.

The Park and Thoughts of Death Go Hand in Hand
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: One Ramblin' Ranter!

Usually when I go to a park in the spring time I think about new life and beginnings. Today's stroll started out the same; I heard the birds chirping and felt the sun warm my body. I was in heaven and I was in Hades all at the same time because I was trying to study and every little distraction tore me away from the insurance drivel. After about 30 minutes of test taking and researching I decided to go for a stroll with a goal of ending up back at home. I was walking around when I was drawn to the hibernating rose garden to sit and jot down notes. I had not noticed it before but every bench was dedicated 'In Loving Memory'. It started giving me the heebie jeebies; I mean why dedicate a bench to someone that is dead. Then I really started pondering it and I sat my fanny down on Faye's bench to write and think. What exactly is the purpose of dedicating a bench to a deceased love one in a park? Do they get to enjoy it? No. Did they get to brag about it to their cronies? "You know what Joey got me? A bench in the rose garden! And let me tell you it sure is comfy! I know you're jealous!" No, that doesn't happen either. You might believe everyone goes into heaven and has nothing better to do then watch their loved ones carry on with their day to day lives but I am not so sure. In my heaven that part of the day is an hour long program, similar to Sportscenter that just gives you the day's highlights and the daily paper posts your living relations Heaven - Hell score in the paper. In my heaven, I am way too busy learning to play shuffleboard and canasta to bother with those still alive outside of the one hour long program and the 15 minutes spent reading the Heaven Gazette. That might just be my heaven though. Anyway even if all you get to do is watch your living relatives do you really want to watch them dedicate a bench that they never visit? No, you probably had enough of the lack of visits while you were alive. So if any of you have already reserved my bench in honor of my death, which I am hoping is a long way off, do me a favor and just get it for me now. Then you and I can have a picnic on it and have pictures of it. All I am asking for is to be able to use that bench before I die! C'mon you're getting it for me for crying out loud! I decided at this point to stop pissing Faye off and I got up from her bench to walk around. That was when I started noticing the dedicated bricks had a few loving tributes to dead people as well. So if this was actually your plans for my post-mortem memorial please inscribe it with "This Brick has been dedicated to Michael Williams, although it's an insult to the brick since it has had a lot more meaningful conversations with me!" Bricks of course make a very clean jump to tombstones. I do not want to be stuck in a wooden coffin that cost more then my car and buried in a plot of land. I would much rather be involved in a funeral pyre or better yet a classic Viking Funeral. Of course that having been said I realize there are rules. Since I would be dead you pretty much could do whatever you like. I was envisioning the Coast Guard intervening as you went to light my boat up and the forestry service may frown on the funeral Pyre idea. So if you have to get a tombstone make sure it is clever, at least half this clever "Here Lies Michael Williams. Thank the Lord I had the good sense to get my money back from him last week!" (BEAT THIS TOMBSTONE INSCRIPTION CONTEST! If you come up with a funnier inscription for yourself, your half sister Luna, your mama, your cousin Toto, your next door neighbor Frank or me; please submit it to me! The winner will get bragging rights and more importantly some Crazedlunatikdesigns.com swag! You can either email me directly or post it as a comment here. The posted comment will be a better way to display your wit since others will see it but either way will work.)

That being said, I wanted to say that I am hoping the post-mortem memorials are a ways off but I am willing to except any living memorial you feel the need to erect, hehe. I was thinking about what I would prefer after my death and that is to have you plant a tree. With every life taken a new one begins. I hope you all enter the contest it's easy and it's free, good luck. Take care of each other and now I return to the insurance books because I feel a nap brewing!

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My Dad and the Map
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: One Ramblin' Ranter!
When my dad visited last weekend I put him in charge of figuring out where we would go Saturday afternoon. He ended up with two choices and he let me decide and I do admit I might have picked incorrectly (stupid art museum!) but that is not the point. We were heading over there and he handed me the Oregon books I own and wanted directions well the maps were tiny and hard to read. It hadn't even occured to me to grab the large city map before we left. So we were driving around and he is asking me how far things are and what the best way to go is. I couldn't tell so he decides that I need a good map of downtown. I tell him that I have a Portland map in my car and since we just happened to be in his car I hadn't thought of bringing it. I say all of that but it was like he didnn't hear me and he continues on about the map of downtown and the absolute need that I have of one. When we finally escaped the art museum we tried to use the books' maps to judge the distance from the art museum to Powell's. Even now I am still not sure what the distance is. We decided to drive to Powell's and while we are walking around inside he finds this little free map of downtown and starts telling me I should take it home and put it in my car. I actually already have this exact map from a previous visit to Powell's and there is also the fact that I have a better map in the car. I take this little map, thinking that this is my version of the TPS Reports in 'Office Space' because I have a perfectly good map in my car it just happens to not be with us and no matter how much I say this he keeps trying to solve my problems with a free map.

"Did you get the memo about the DOWNTOWN MAP??"
'I already have a map.'
"Hmmm... well I 'll leave this one with you since you need one."
'Ok dad....'

When we left Powell's, we tried to use the litle free map to find Widmer Brewery but of course Widmer is not in downtown so the map was useless. When we finally find Widmer I put the map down on the seat hoping it would be forgotten. Unfortunately he picked the map conversation right back up after we leave Widmer and were headed to the Olive Garden. I managed to leave the map in the car that night in another attempt to leave it behind in his car, it didn't work. Sure enough the next day as we head back from Shari's he sees the map. He starts telling me I need to keep the map because it would be helpful next time I want to go downtown. Once again forgetting that I have a better map in my car. So after we do a quick run in to Albertsons, so that I can pick up some cereal and a few other items I needed; I put the map in my grocery bag to appease him. While he told me how that map would be my solution to the mysteries of life.

hehe I love ya dad.... :)
The map is in my car waiting for your next visit.

Reader of the Week Correction
Mood:  accident prone
Topic: Reader of the Week
It has come to the attention of myself that some of the facts previously reported about Maryann may not be correct. Here is the retraction:


'Height: 12’4” '
--- She is actually only 11'1" ---

'2. She recently married Glenn. Glenn is from the planet snog and likes to munch on paper. He is 10’2” and has blue fur on his belly. I have no word on what he does for a living but I believe it has something to do with evil plots and kicking small animals. I will get you a full report when his featured week happens!'
---- The fur on Glenn's belly is actually lavender in color, sorry. ----

'5. She has two dark red eyes and worships the devil!'

--- Her eyes are not dark red they are more candy apple red and she actually associates with lesser demons and worships none of them and doesn't even believe in the devil. ----

'2. She likes collecting snails, toads, spiders and puppies.'

---- She doesn't collect any of those things she actually steals wallabes. ----

'4. Maryann recently won the lottery and is investing all that money in a rocket to take her to the moon, where she plans to set up the first colony and the first fast food restaurant. The fast food joint will have no vegetables and be completely about meat. Instead of fries you can order up a nice side of lizard gizzards! Yeah it is making me hungry too! The value meal promises a special T-Rex Burger, a large side of lizard gizzards, a three piece chicken feet with ranch dressing and a nice butter milkshake! That’s how you spell down home cooking! '

---- This was actually the largest error, she is actually setting up the new restaurant on the rings of Saturn and the T-Rex burger was so last week! The menu is top secret and she has not released any of the information on it. I have heard rumors that she may be serving Soylent Green! Which some of you may know that "SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!" -----

This recent uncovering of poorly reported facts has pushed back the announcement of this weeks winner. I have to double check all the facts and I will post the winner as soon as possible! Thank you for your understanding and cooperation!

Japanese Garden and the Weather
Mood:  chatty
Topic: One Ramblin' Ranter!
Yesterday was the first time I had 2 days in a row off from work. I decided to take advantage of all that free time by heading to the Japanese Garden. I was there for about 3 hours. The first hour and a half I spent exploring the place by myself and then I took the guided tour. The tour price is outstanding, it?s free. Another nice thing about the tour is that it explains what to look for and some of the intent behind Japanese Garden designs. I had enjoyed the garden without help but the tour helped me understand what was going on. It basically put words to the visions for me. I was very glad I picked yesterday to go because it was quiet and there were not a lot of people. The guide said that days that had hail and rain were not busy days. Days like today when it is sunny and no clouds are in the sky would be considerably more crowded and the summer months it can be jammed packed. Part of the experience for me was a great sense of peace and calm, which is exactly what the designer meant to get across. The idea behind the gardens is a place to get away from the day to day life and it succeeded. For 3 hours I was completely happy and without a care in the world. Would I recommend you come to this garden when you visit? Yes I would. Click here to view the pictures: Incredible Photos:
The Japanese Garden actually has 5 garden designs on 5 acres of land. I took a few picture of each but some where harder to capture then others. The Natural Garden was a long winding garden that went down the hillside and looked less manicured then the others. It is still maintained but not as structured. This was hard to photograph. The Tea Garden was another that did not get much coverage and that was because it was a little dark I figure maybe later this summer I will have pictures of it maybe even with a tea ceremony being performed. The garden that is the one with the most photos is the Strolling Garden. It takes up a lot of territory and it is the first thing you see. It is also fairly easy to photograph. The Zen Garden was a challenge because it was a rectangular shape and I tried from several angles but was only satisfied by two of the pictures. The Flat Garden pictures also did not come out right so there is only one picture. I will try again some other time and hopefully that day the lighting and weather are more consistent. With the combination of rain, hail and sun the pictures came out strange but I salvaged all the pictures I could which was about a 1/3 of them. A few of them were even amazingly good. Let me know what you think.

Having said that I want to complain that on my two days off it rained and today when I sit down to study for my test it is completely blue skies. We already know it is my dad?s fault that the rain came but I just wanted to say `Grrr! Stupid weather.? I would be ok with rain all week and rain on my days off but clear skies all week and rain on my days off? That is just not right. It is totally teasing me! It even hailed on me yesterday! As much as I want to play today, I have 3 days to prepare for my test so I actually have to get serious so I can pass my impending tests of doom! Enough crying, I am hitting the books.

Just a quick note before I rush off to work.....
Mood:  happy
I had a good day yesterday. I went to the Japanese Garden and it was beautiful and wonderful. The rain and hail that occured while I was there did not ruin it for me. It was kind of amusing actually since I made myself leave my house because it looked so warm and sunny outside but by the time I reached the garden it was overcast and raining. I went in anyway and I was very glad I did. If you head this way this place is a definate stop and the tour is a definate do. I will share some pictures later.

I recieved my Stewey button yesterday. I was happy to see it. If anyone else recieves their ordered items I would like to hear how it looks.

My Easter!
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: One Ramblin' Ranter!
Well shortly after I typed the previous entry my dad and I decided to have breakfast. We headed to Shari's and had breakfast and coffee. My dad told me he expected me to find a new breakfast spot before he came back for the next visit. Shari's is a chain restaurant around these parts (meaning Oregon) and he would like to go to a local mom n' pop joint. So now I have added places to munch to my explore Portland list. I plan on having a lot of places to take visitors by the summertime.
The sun peaked through the clouds so we were threatening to head to Multnomah falls after breakfast but then the rain came again and my dad decided to just head home. He came inside my house to get a quick cable fix before he went back down the hill. After about an hour he headed South, like a migrating bird. On his way home he encountered hail and snow and idiotic drivers but he made it home safely despite those factors.
The rain gave up at and the sun came out at my house but the day never regained the warmth it had earlier when we went to Shari's. I decided to do some laundry and watch some TV. What ended up happening was that the laundry machines were full. So I headed back inside my house to watch TV and planned to go down again in a little while. I ended up passing out while I was watching TV and when I woke up the laundry room was empty. So I am doing laundry and typing about this exciting day right now.

I know you are all jealous and in awe of my exciting day.

Happy Easter
Mood:  lazy
HAPPY EASTER!

I did not get around to writing yesterday because my dad and I were running about all day. I worked the first half of the day while he was sleeping because he had spent all night watching TV and not sleeping. I guess that is what happens when you don't have cable; you overdose when you get a chance to watch it. We then headed to the Portland Art Museum. I have wanted to go for quite a while and now that I have been I have no clue of why. I snapped a few pictures before they told me to stop. I would like to share them here:

Here is a picture from their floor, my flash sent the security guards searching for me.

The above pictures brought down the heat on me, which if you read the blog you know that was the third time I was talked to about taking pictures this week. I was taking a picture of my dad and a security guy told me I was not allowed to because everything was protected by copyright laws. I had spent most of the museum waiting to see good art and did not see any so I snapped pictures of floors and my dad through a window instead of the artwork. There was way too much modern art and most of their old stuff was from the 19th century. Ancient. There was an area called 'Mythical Beasts' that had old Chinese artifacts from 200 to 900 BCE. What does BCE mean anyway I now BC means 'Before Christ' but what does BCE mean? I looked it up and it means 'Before the Common Era'. Other than that exhibit there were a few cool paintings and some nice photos but overall I was pretty disappointed. The pictures I took were in an area that had only one connection back to the main area and until we realized that we were effectively lost. Lost in an area filled with paintings of squares and canvases consisting of one color. I am not saying some of the colors chosen weren't nice but I would not rip off a piece of my painted wall and try to sell it as art so they shouldn't be allowed to either. After the confusion in the art museum we ran to the exit and had to reorient ourselves to find our car. We headed to Powell's City of Books where dad found a few books and I found that the books I wanted were all new and full priced. After over an hour we headed toward the Widmer Brewery. It was extremely hard to find, we were looking for it all over the place and we did not have a decent map to help. When we finally found it we had a great beer, a couple pretzels and a beer sampler. Then we headed to Olive Garden for dinner where I used the 25 dollar gift certificate donated by Maryann and Glenn for my half of the bill. We both ordered an entree even though I had thought about just having the Soup, Salad and Breadsticks for dinner. I had the Parmesan Crusted Tilapia and he had the Stuffed Chicked Marsala. The meal was good, the service was great and with our bellies full we skipped dessert. That meal was pretty much the conclusion of our day and as I write this we are starting to get ready for today. We have no plans and we may not be able to do much since today is Easter. I will let you all know what we got up to, don't worry.

I am sorry that I am missing Easter at Bob and Nancy's today, that had become a tradition while I lived in Phoenix. I hope you all have a great Easter no matter how you spend it.

A new product announcement!

Work was exciting. The calls were coming in non stop just like usual when somehow I managed to crash my computer. I had to restart the computer and log in again. When I went to log in it did not let me. So I went to the supervisor station and they let me know that the computer system was having issues and more then likely I would be waiting until the end of my shift with it trying to log me in.. So I sat back down at my desk and read for the last hour and 15 minutes of my shift. That was great!

It's raining today. I have a theory about the rain; I think it is all brought on by my dad. I think that when ever he goes somewhere he packs along the rain or sends it ahead as a warning of his impending arrival . I came up with this theory because it was sunny and nice all week but as it neared my dad's visit the rain and clouds came. It also rained in Phoenix during Maryann's wedding and their is a common thread here and it is my dad's visit. I bet it even rained in Italy! If it didn't I bet it will soon because maybe rain is not good at traveling over the ocean. It took two days to get from Oregon to Arizona so it could take a while to hit Italy. With that theory in mind, I would like to announce the next product I have in mind for the crazedlunatikdesigns.com line. It is called 'Need Rain? Rent My Dad!' I have some preliminary pricing for this feature. I figure with airfare, gas, car rentals and other travel expenses we are looking at $700 dollars provided you house him and feed him. If you would rather not house or feed him the cost will be $1000 because he needs the finest hotels and gourmet meals. I must have at least a month advance order to set it up and that is from the time that I recieve your payment. To rent my dad for a weekend just select your choice below:

To feed and house him yourself select this option:

To just have him fly in and stay for a few days without actually having him stay in your house, choose this option:

DISCLAIMER: "Rent My Dad!" in no way guarantees rain it just possibly might increase the chances of rain. If you do not get rain from it there will be no refunds. This product is pending approval from my dad, dates may need to be changed to accomodate the trip. Purchasing his time does not obligate him to any chores at your house it simply means he will fly in and possibly bring some rain. If my dad decides to not participate, since he does not know about it yet due tothis being a recent brainstorm and the fact he has not been reading the blog, I (the owner and purveyor of crazedlunatikdesigns.com) can fly out myself for no extra cost, bet Bill Gates doesn't offer to fix your computer for you! If you insist on my dad and he is unavailable or decides not to participate crazedlunatikdesigns.com will refund your money minus paypal's processing fees. Refunds will only happen because no trip was made. Please enjoy "Rent My Dad!" responsibly.

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