Title: No Choice
Author: CJ
Pairing: A/X
Rating: Overall NC-17
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All belongs to the Joss type god person.
"Hit me again, barkeep." Xander slammed down his glass. Noticing the bartender watching him out the corner of his eye, Xander jumped up slapping his hands on the bar. "What the hell are you looking at? Just get me my drink."
"Better watch that, pet. You'll have piss in your drink if ya keep it up."
***"Xander, I love you."***
Xander fell back onto the barstool, burying his head in his hands. "Great. Just what I need, a vampire that can't kill me. Good to see you, Spike, now go away."
Grabbing his newly filled drink, Xander climbed down from his stool. He stumbled his way over to a table in a dark corner and managed not to spill his drink when he missed the chair on his first try and ended sat on the floor, a surprised look on his face. Spike threw his cigarette down and bent over to grab Xander's arms, pulling him up into his chair. "Little more comfy up here, pet."
"Why are you here, Spike? Don't you have someone else to stalk?"
"M'not a stalker, pet, I'm a hunter. Big difference."
"Then go hunt somewhere else. I just want to be alone."
"Could see that, pet. But what you're doing here isn’t good for ya."
Xander looked up into Spike's eyes, and then burst out laughing. "And you would know all about what's good for me, wouldn't you?"
"Matter of fact, I would." Spike waited a moment, staring back at Xander. "He ain’t worth it, pet."
"Save your speeches, okay. I've heard them all before. Hell, I even gave one to Buffy when she was upset about what Parker did. So I know all the platitudes, all the useless words, and I don't want to hear them right now."
Xander threw back the last of his drink, raising his glass to get a passing waiter’s attention. "Bring me another, make it a double."
"What are you drinking, sir." The waiter stood to the side; eyeing a growling Spike warily, ready to take the order.
"Don't care. Just so long as it's brown, wet, and burns going down."
"Yes, sir." The waiter wrote the order down quickly, and still giving Spike a wide berth, walked back over to the bar.
"Okay, I know I'm probably going to regret this, but what's with the growling Spike?" Xander gave the blonde vampire an annoyed glare. After a moment he raised his eyebrows, increasing the glare. "Well?"
"I think you've had enough of the brown, wet, and burning. Tha's all."
"Is that so? I'll tell you when I've had enough. And it won't be for quite some....." Xander's eyes rolled, and his head dropped to the table as he
passed out.
Spike gave an eye roll of his own as he studied the unconscious man in front of him. "Told ya you’d had enough, didn't I?" The vampire stood from his chair and took the two steps to stand behind Xander, reaching under his arms
and hoisting him up. Then, half dragging the heavier man beside him, he left the bar. Barely two blocks up the street, Xander was waking up, coughing and retching as his binge came back to slap him in the face. Spike dropped him to the street, rubbing and patting his back. "There now, get it all out, you'll feel better."
"Why is my life so fucked up? What did I ever do to the universe to make it hate me so much?"
Spike took pity on the miserable man. He sat beside Xander on the sidewalk and, using an old piece of newspaper, tried to clean his face as much as he could. "You didn't do anything wrong, Xander. Its just life. You're not the
only one that got fucked over by the big guy upstairs, ya know. Think I wanted to be a vampire? That I wanted to get a chip in my head? No. That's just the way life works out sometimes. You should talk to Willow. Sure she's
got some great theories on karma she'd love to share."
"Spike, why are you being so nice to me?"
"No reason, just thought I'd make sure you didn't get killed out here while you’re trying to kill yourself."
"I wasn't trying to kill myself. I just want it to stop hurting."
"What's that, pet? He hurt you again?"
"Yeah, I'll say he hurt me. Ripped out my heart, then waited until I finally didn't think about him every time I turned around, then ripped it out again."
"So, you saw Angel, then?"
"Yeah. I saw Angel. He made sure of that." Xander leaned his head over on Spike's shoulder, wanting nothing more than for someone to just hold him. Maybe tell him that his world didn't just end. That this wasn't hell.
*****flashback*****
"Xander, I love you."
"Once, I would have given anything for this. I would have sold my soul to hear those words from you. But now... I can't."
"But, Xander..."
"No! Don't. You have no right to say those words. I spent so many months waiting for you. I did everything but get down on my knees and beg you to love me. And what did you do? You spat all my words back at me. You treated
me like I was dirt on your shoe."
"Xander, I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you."
"Yeah, well you know what? You did. You hurt me in ways you could never imagine. But I got over it. Took me years, but I got over it. Got over you."
"I'm..."
"Shut up. You don't speak now. You had your say, now it’s my turn. This is what I want you to do. I want you to go back to LA. Stay there, and don't ever come near me again. I can't believe I ever wanted you to touch me. You
sicken me. Now leave."
*****end flashback*****
"Xander?" Spike rolled his shoulder pushing Xander up. "Pet, it isn't your fault. You were hurt, you lashed out. Perfectly natural."
Xander sat up, his eyes filled with tears. "I just wish I could take it all back. I didn't mean to say those things. I never wanted him to go away. I just want him to hold me. I want him ... I just want him."
"Then you know what you gotta do, don't ya?"
"And what's that?"
"Beg. You want him? Then you're gonna have to go to him, and beg. After what you said, there's no way Angel’ll be coming back for you. I know him. He may be a big fluffy teddy bear with fangs, but he's full of pride. No telling what it cost him to come here in the first place, but you can be sure he won't be back."
****************************************************
Xander's eyes widened as he stepped down off the bus. He had expected LA to be nothing but golden-paved streets and movie stars. This was more like the bad side of Sunnydale. Sure he was from California, should have known that the place didn't always live up to the expectations of the tourists, but he'd never thought LA could look so.... plain.
"Need a ride, son?" Xander spun around at the strange voice behind him. The cabbie pushed off from the green cab he was leaning against, tossing his paper in the window.
"Do you know where the Hyperion hotel is?"
"Sure do, but you might not wanna go there."
"Why's that?"
"Lots of strange things happen there." The guy had a far off look in his eyes as he said this, not even trying to suppress the shudder that went through him. "Never been there myself, but the other fellas talk. And you don't wanna know about some of the things they say."
"Well, I need to go there. Someone I have to see."
"I'll get you there, if you're determined to go. Name's Gus Winthrop."
"Xander Harris. Nice to meet you, sir."
"Climb on in then. Got any luggage?"
Xander blushed, he hadn't even thought of luggage. Hadn't thought at all, really. He'd just left. Now that he had started thinking about it though, he knew everyone would be mad. No note, no calls. Just wake up and Xander's gone. He hadn't even told Spike he was going, even thought the vampire had been the one to suggest it. "Do you think I could use the phone before we go?"
"Sure, son. I'll wait here, take your time."
"Thank you."
He walked over to the row of pay phones, pulling change from his pocket. He put two quarters in the phone and dialed the first number he could think of, Willow. How was he going to explain this? //Hi, Wills, just thought I'd let you know I decided to go to LA and beg the biggest, baddest vampire any of us ever met to forgive me and love me again.// Somehow, he didn't think that would go over too good.
"Mmh-hello?"
"Wills? Did I wake you?"
"Oh no, Xander. I'm always wide-awake at..... 5:30 in the morning. What's wrong? Is somebody hurt?"
"No, Wills. I..I'm in LA." Xander stood there, waiting for Willow to start the endless questions he knew she must be thinking of.
"Finally decided to go after him, huh?"
"W-wha... Wills, what do you mean? How did you know? Who else knows? Was it that obvious?"
"Xander, I've always known about you. I only figured out about you and Angel a couple months ago. And no one else knows anything. As for being obvious, you haven't exactly been wearing a neon sign, but it couldn't have hurt."
"Oh, god, Willow. I'm so glad somebody knows. I was so afraid to tell anyone, but now that you know we have a lot to talk about when I get home. I just wanted you to know that I was okay and not eaten or anything. I have to go talk to him, but I'll be home in a few days. When I get back it's gonna be you, me, and lots of Twinkies for a few hours, ok?"
"Sure, Xander. Just come home safe, ok? And tell Angel that if he hurts you, I know a lot more than just soul restorations now. He won't like it if I have to find him, got that?"
"Got it, Wills. I love you. See you in a few days, but I really gotta go now. Bye."
"Bye, Xander. I love you, too."
Relief written all over his face, Xander made his way back over to the cab. He climbed into the back seat, motioning to the driver that he was ready. It was probably a little rude, but he wasn't in the mood for conversation right now. He had a lot to think over, and not a lot of time to do it. Now that he was finally here, his doubts were starting to catch up to him. //What if Angel doesn't want to see me? What if he hates me now? What am I going to say to him? How the hell am I supposed to make up for the things I've said
already?// The questions nearly making him sick, he didn't even realize that they were already at the Hyperion.
"Here we are buddy. Still want to go in? I could take you somewhere else, if you want?"
"No, thanks. This is something I have to do."
"Okay, just call if you need to leave. Make sure you tell 'em to send Gus out, I'll come and get ya."
"I'll do that." Xander pulled out his wallet, silently gulping when he saw how little money was in it. "How much do I owe you?"
"Don't worry about it, son. You just be careful. Lot of things out there, know what I mean?"
"Better than you know." Xander climbed out of the back of the cab, standing with his hands hooked in his back pockets, looking up at the hotel. "Here goes nothing."
"Welcome to Angel Investigations, how can I... Xander? Oh my god, Xander, what are you doing here?"
"Cordy, what are you doing here?"
"I work here, idiot. Now answer my question."
"I don't know. Just visiting?"
"Yeah, and I just landed the part of Lady Macbeth. Now come on, tell me, you know I won't leave you alone until you do."
"Um, Cordy, I need to see Angel. Is he here?"
"Yeah, he's here, and good luck. Ever since he got back, he's been hiding upstairs. Won't even come down to go kill vampires. I figured he and Buffy had a huge fight or something. Did something happen while he was in Sunnydale?"
"You could say that, yeah. Which room is he in? I'll take my chances, but I really need to talk to him."
"Okay, it's you're funeral. He's in his room up on the second floor, you can't miss it. Just follow the growling."
Xander turned and started up the stairs. When he got to the first landing, he paused to take a deep breath. Just as he started down the hall to Angel's room, he heard a male voice asking, "Was that Xander Harris?" To which Cordelia answered, "Yes Wesley, and about damn time, too."
Xander shook his head, taking another deep breath thinking, //Really gonna have to have that talk with Willow, girl's too phone happy.// Then he was there, standing outside the room. The Room!! He could hear the growling Cordy mentioned, but whether it was angry growling or just sleep growling, he couldn't tell. He had just raised his fist to knock on the door, it opened. For a fleeting moment, he saw Angel standing there. Beautiful, and very deserving of the name. But only for a moment before the face morphed into his vampire visage, and Xander knew that it was Angelus looking back at him. Then the door slammed in his face. But he could hear the words clearly through the solid, wooden door. "Go away. I'll call you when I want you."
"Angel? Angel, I'm sorry."
"Go away, Xander. I can't talk to you now."
Xander slumped back against the wall, resisting the urge to cry. //I knew it was too much to hope for. I never should have come here.// He turned and ran up the stairs. Seeing the exit for the roof, he pushed his way through the heavy door. Not caring about the rain that had started to fall, he collapsed back against the doorframe. Sobbing uncontrollably, he never heard the door open. Nor did he know when Angel sat down beside him on the floor. But he felt the cool hands caress his head, pulling the hair back from his face and wipe the tears from his eyes.
"Angel?"
"Yeah, it's me. Cold?"
"Yeah."
"Tired?"
"Yeah.
"Good." Angel pushed Xander off his lap and stood, looking down at the boy.
"Angel?" Xander looked up at Angel, his eyes wide with disbelief. "What do you mean?"
"Make yourself presentable, then come down to my office. We can talk there."
Angel left, slamming the door on his way back in. Xander lay there for a moment longer, tempted to curl back up and disappear. Years of practice brushed aside, he pulled himself up and walked to the door.
************************************
"What happened, you’re all wet?"
"Not now Cordy, I’m not in the mood."
"Well get in the mood, Angel. What did Xander say? Are you two okay?"
"Cordy, I said not now!" Angel stormed into his office, slamming the door.
"Somebody isn’t happy." Cordelia rolled her eyes. She’d seen Angel in enough of his moods to not take them as seriously as they appeared.
Xander burst into the lobby, red-faced and angry. Dripping water over the floor, he made his way over to where Cordy was sitting at her desk, flipping through a magazine. "Where is he?"
"He’s … Xander, what happened to you?" Cordelia jumped up from the desk, worry etched on her face. "You’re soaked to the bone. Do you have any dry clothes?"
"So, I see you finally decided to show your face. Thought I told you to make yourself presentable. I was certain I said those words. What took you so long?"
Xander looked up at Angel, rage warring with desperation in his eyes. "You know damn well what took me so long. You locked me out on that roof in the rain. I had to climb down the fire escape, I cut my hand, and I may get pneumonia. Thank you so much."
"Well, well, well, what have we here, Angel? Got a new pet?" Angel cut his eyes up to the front entrance and saw Lindsey standing there. Slipping in and out of vamp face, he stalked up to the lawyer, growling.
"What the hell are you doing here? I told you to never show your face around me again. Remember what happens to your appendages when they get stuck in my business?" Angel made sure they could all see him looking to where Lindsey's left hand should have been as he said this last part.
Xander stepped up, pushing between Angel and Lindsey, and extended his hand. "I'm Xander Harris. And no, I'm not Angel's new pet. Apparently, I'm not Angel's anything anymore."
"Lindsey McDonald, nice to meet you. You must be a great person to know if Angel can't stand you."
Angel had grown impatient with Lindsey's continuing presence. "What did you want, Lindsey? I may have eternity, but that doesn't mean I want to spend it with you."
"Actually, Angel, I just came by to congratulate you. Seems you get to keep your hotel. Gavin didn't know he was stepping on my territory when he started this mess, but now that I'm back you won't have to put up with him anymore."
Xander was confused, he had no idea that Angel even owned the hotel, much less that he'd been in danger of losing it. "What do you mean, who's Gavin? And what mess did he start?"
Angel rolled his eyes before turning to Xander. "Gavin was another Wolfram & Hart blowhard that tried to have my hotel condemned for city code violations. What happened to Gavin, Lindsey? The big boys decide he wasn't cutting it?"
"Actually, I decided Gavin wasn't cutting it. I came back and my job wasn't waiting for me. But it seems that something unfortunate happened to Lilah while I was...away. So I got her job. Gavin just didn't do anything for me, so I got rid of him."
Xander turned back to Lindsey. "And by 'got rid of him' you mean...?"
"He got rid of him, Xander. Gavin is probably dead by now." Cordy moved up behind Angel, slipping a small battle-axe into his hands.
"No, Miss Chase. May I call you Cordelia?"
"I'd really prefer if you didn't."
"Fine. Miss Chase. And, no, Gavin isn't dead. He probably wishes he were, but he annoyed me."
Lindsey started forward, apparently to sit on the sofa, but Angel blocked his way. "I really think it's time you left, Lindsey."
"Oh, but I haven't told you the best part yet." His way blocked to the sofa, Lindsey took a seat on the steps. "You see, with Lilah gone and Gavin...promoted, I'm in a unique position. A position that could be beneficial to us both, if you'll let me explain. Outside."
Using his good hand, Lindsey pushed himself up off the floor. As he started out the door, he turned back to look into Angel's cold eyes. And smirked. "Interested?"
Angel followed the lawyer outside. Knowing he would probably regret it later, he left the axe with Cordelia. "What is it you think I should be interested in Lindsey?"
"Me."
"And why would I be interested in you? Other than to make sure I know the exact time of your funeral?"
"Because I can help you Angel, if you let me."
"Help me with what Lindsey? I have plenty of help, and somehow I just don't see you running around saving the world for the Powers."
"Hell, no. I couldn’t care less about the Powers. I want you. And I'm now in a position to offer you certain things that you might find useful."
"Like what? Cause I don't think the playboy channel really helps that much."
"There are certain prophecies that Wolfram & Hart has in its possession. Prophecies that you could use. Some even concern you, as well as another souled vampire."
"What are you talking about? There is no other souled vampire, I would know."
"Not yet, Angel. Not yet. Just think about it."
"I don't need to think about it Lindsey, my answer is no."
"Well, then. Looks like I’ll have to turn my attentions elsewhere, doesn't it? That boy, Xander, he is very good looking isn't he?"
Faster than any human could detect, Angel had Lindsey's throat in his hands. Bringing him up to his face, he vamped out. "You will never say his name again, do you understand me? You won't come near him, you won't even think about him. If I ever catch so much as a whiff of your scent anywhere near him, I’ll have you begging for Gavin’s fate just before I rip your throat out."
Lindsey ran his tongue across his teeth, leering at Angel. "Really, do you promise?"
"You’re pathetic, human, you have no idea what you’re asking for."
"No Angel, but I really want too."
Angel dropped Lindsey to the ground, looking at him with contempt. "You aren’t worth me risking my soul. Hell, you aren’t even worth raping. My advice to you, Lindsey, is to leave. And stay gone, before I change my mind and show you what Angelus used to do to pests."
"I’m going, Angel. But you haven’t seen the last of me." Lindsey pulled himself up, straightening his tie. Being who he was, he had to get the last word in. "Be sure you tell Xander I said goodbye. I’m sure I’ll be seeing him again."
Growling as he watched the lawyer walk back down the street, Angel was about to go after Lindsey when he felt a soft touch on his shoulder. Turning, he saw Xander standing behind him. "Xander, how long have you been standing there?"
"Just long enough to know I don’t ever want to meet Angelus again."
"You don’t have to worry about that, Xander. Angelus can’t come back. Not the way he did in Sunnydale."
"That’s interesting, because I don’t remember Willow changing any of the words when she did the restoration spell."
"No, but Willow isn’t the only person in this dimension that knows about spells."
"True, but she does have the best track record for backfires."
Angel grinned before he could stop himself, but quickly let it fade away. He pushed past Xander, headed back into the hotel. "Inside. Now!"
Xander suddenly lost his temper. "Who the hell do you think you are? Some general in an army where I'm supposed to just snap to attention and shout Sir, yes Sir? I sooo don't think so. I'll go where ever the hell I please." Leaving a totally confused Angel in his wake, Xander turned and stalked off down the street.
*******
As Xander left the Hyperion, a variety of emotions played inside him. Fear, anger, love, hate, regret, hope, all made themselves known to him. With each, he felt his stomach lurch the way it always did when he thought of Angel.
//Why is it so hard? All I wanted was to make it up to him. I didn't expect him to fall at my feet, but I at least thought he'd treat me like a person. Instead, I'm told to sit, heel, or beg on command like a dog off the street. //Xander looked up from the sidewalk to see that he was standing at the entrance to a bar. //Caritas? Sounds good to me. As long as they have beer.//
Walking through the door he immediately saw that this wasn't just any bar. It seemed to be a much higher-class version of Willy's Alibi Room. Demons of every variety sat at the tables. The bar was lined with vampires and what he was reasonably sure were humans.
"Hey Xander, the master let you out of the cave all alone?"
"Mr. McDonald! Hey, and no. He's not my master, he just thinks he is. "
"Call me Lindsey. How about I buy you a beer and we can talk."
"I'm not so sure about that Lindsey. Angel doesn't seem to like you, and that alone would make me your new best friend on any other day, but Cordelia agrees and I sort of trust her judgment."
"All hearsay and conjecture. I thought you might be one of those 'judge not' people, but if you're just a sheep I won't bother you anymore."
"Hey! I am not a sheep. I do what I want, I don't need anyone's permission if I want to talk to someone."
"Then prove it. Join me for a drink."
"Ok.... Wait a minute, what the hell was that?"
"Oh, that? They sometimes do karaoke here. The owner does a cool trick, he can read your aura."
"Read your aura? What's that supposed to mean?" As they reached the bar, Xander slid onto a stool, looking up to give the waiter his order. "I'll have a beer, light. On him."
"Honeybuns, if you want a beer just turn around and ask the bartender. I own the place, I don't do the circuit."
"You own the place? That must be nice."
"Sometimes it is, but mostly its just another headache that pays the bills. Why don't you climb yourself up onto the stage and give us a song?"
"Me? No! I don't sing."
"Oh, come on Xander. Please? For me?"
"Maybe. After my drink." Looking back at the bar, Xander sees a beer sitting in front of him. "Okay, I didn't even order yet. How does that work?"
"You like? He's my newest and best bartender. He's psychic, knows what you want before you do." Lorne watched with a surprised expression as Xander downed his first beer in a single chug before stretching his hand out for another.
"Yeah, maybe I should sit down with him and have a nice, long talk. Cause I have no idea what I'm doin'."
"Honey, no one does. That's the beauty of life, making it up as we go."
Xander let that thought flow through his head for a while. He didn't hear, nor care about, any of the conversation going on between Lindsey and Lorne. The never-ending beer supply from the bartender seemed to be the only thing he had any control over. So he focused on that, drinking each beer almost as fast as it could be placed in front of him.
"Honey, you need to slow down on that or you're gonna end up in deep kaka." Lorne was becoming very concerned about the young man. The pain in this one was almost enough to make him scream in helplessness.
"Yeah, where's the bathroom?"
"Around the side of the bar, right beside the stage. You gonna be okay, Darlin'?"
Xander slid off his barstool, grabbing at Lindsey to keep himself from falling over. "You gonna be here for a while?"
"Sure, I'll be here. Take your time." Lindsey gave Xander a pat on the back as he walked past. When he was sure the younger man was out of earshot, he turned to Lorne. "I’m gonna try to get him up on stage, will you do a reading for me?"
"Dimples, I don’t have to wait for that one to be on stage. He's in some serious pain, and nothing you have planned is going to help him. You want my advice? Leave that boy be, you'll only hurt him more."
"I know. It's unfortunate, but necessary. I think I'll just go see how he's doing."
Lindsey walked along the bar, knowing Lorne was trying to get a reading on him, but also knowing that it wouldn't be possible. Wolfram & Hart spared no expense to keep their secrets safe, and that included wards against psychics. Looking back over his shoulder, he noticed Lorne quickly turning away. He grinned. Sometimes it paid to work for an evil law firm.
Pushing open the door to the men's room, Lindsey could hear Xander sobbing. He checked each stall until he reached the one on the end, finding it to be locked. "Xander? Xander, come on, open the door."
"No! Go away. I just want to be alone for a little while."
"You know that ain't gonna happen. I'm not going to leave you in here alone and crying."
"I am not crying!! I just want a little privacy." Xander turned to face the stall door. But before he could slam his hand against it, he noticed something below him. Looking down he saw Lindsey lying on his back, looking back up at him. The lawyer shimmied along the floor on his back until he could pull himself up to stand with Xander.
"Not crying huh? Then what do you call this water on your face? The sprinklers go off or something?" Lindsey reached his hand up to Xander's face, using his thumb to gently wipe away the tears. "No one as beautiful as you should ever have to cry over anyone."
"I'm not beautiful. And I never said I was crying over someone."
"You are beautiful to me. And that's all that matters."
"Really?"
"Really really." Lindsey pushed his hand into Xander's hair, pulling the younger man to him. He ran his lips lightly over Xander's, slipping his tongue into the brunette's mouth. Not sure how receptive Xander would be to the kiss, Lindsey pulled back. But it was Xander that reached his hands up to grab the lawyer's head, pulling him back into the kiss and deepening it at the same time.
Xander released Lindsey's lips for a moment. "Lindsey, you want to help me?"
"Yes, Xander. Anything."
"Then make me forget. At least for a while."
//Like taking candy from a baby. Can't wait to see Angel's face when he finds out who got his boy before he did.// Lindsey pulled Xander's body up to him, pressing them together. Turning, he pushed Xander up against the concrete wall, running his hands up under the brunette's shirt. "Xander, baby, are you sure?"
"Just fuck me, Lindsey. You won't break me."
Hearing these words lit a fire in Lindsey. He gripped Xander's shirt by the hem and tugged it off over his head. Using his lips and tongue, the lawyer traced a path down Xander's chest, stopping at both nipples along the way. Just as he reached the navel, Xander grabbed his chin. Raising his eyes, Lindsey saw the younger man shake his head. "Lindsey, I said fuck me. Not
lick me."
"As you wish Xander, as you wish."
Lindsey stood and kissed Xander, pushing his tongue deep into the other man's mouth even as he used his one good hand to pull the belt free from Xander's waist. Without bothering to undo the snap and zipper, Lindsey pushed the man's jeans over his hips and down to his ankles.
"Turn around and face the wall, I'll be right back."
"What? Where are you going?"
"We need lube, Xan. I'll be right back."
Lindsey walked out of the stall, looking around for something they could use as lube. //Why did I ever stop carrying it with me?// Bringing his eyes up to the sink, he saw the soap dispenser. Reaching for it he filled the palm of his fake hand with soap and rushed back to Xander, locking the door behind him again.
"Now hold still, this will be a little cold." Lindsey pressed a condom into Xander's hand then coated his fingers with the soap. Lindsey pushed one finger into Xander's entrance, circling it around to stretch the muscle. Hearing the brunette's moan, Lindsey quickly slipped a second finger in, pumping them both in and out.
"Harder. Now."
Lindsey was only to happy to oblige, plunging both fingers into Xander at once. He thrust the fingers in and out a few times before adding a third, scissoring them to widen the passage.
"Ohh, yes Lindsey."
"Shhh, Xander. Someone could walk in at any time. No noise allowed."
"Mmm." Xander bit back the scream he wanted to let out, settling for a more subdued moan. Biting his lips and scrunching his face up in concentration, Xander managed to keep as silent as possible.
"Xander, reach back and unzip me now."
Pulling one hand off the wall, the younger man did as requested. Only when his hand cupped the large bulge in the lawyer's pants did he seriously consider what it was he was about to do. //Oh, hell, what does it matter anyway? Angel doesn't love me anymore. I might as well take my pleasure where I can find it.// He undid the clasp on Lindsey's jeans, the hardness of the
erection causing the zipper to slide down of it's own accord. He slid the condom Lindsey had given him over the silky skin then, grabbing Lindsey's synthetic hand, he took as much of the soap as he could and placed his hand around the covered shaft of the lawyer's cock.
"Oh, my. Lindsey." Xander was startled, the only other time he'd seen or felt any cock other than his own was that one time after gym class with a new guy at school. They'd played around a little, but that boy hadn't been able to prepare him for the reality of a man's penis.
"Mmm, Xander, that feels good. But if you don't stop, we won't be able to finish."
Xander reluctantly pulled his hand away, placing it back on the wall above his head. As he pushed against the wall, rotating his hips, he pressed his ass against Lindsey's denim clad thigh. Lindsey, for his part, gripped Xander's hips, pulling the younger man up to position himself at the entrance.
With one thrust, Lindsey buried himself inside Xander. Not letting himself stop, or even slow down, Lindsey pulled back and thrust again, setting a slow, but hard rhythm that brushed against Xander's prostate with every move. Xander reached his hand around to grab at Lindsey's ass, feeling the firm muscle contract as it forced the hips forward for yet another wonderfully
painful thrust.
Lindsey could hardly stand it. The pressure building inside him driving him to shorten the thrust to quick rabbit-like speed. He wrapped his hands around Xander's shoulders and thrust hard once, twice, and then, buried himself to the hilt inside the younger man, flattening them both against the wall. As he filled the condom inside the brunette, he could feel the contractions
signaling Xander's release as well.
After a few deep breaths, Lindsey pulled out of Xander. He took the condom from his softening cock and tossed it into the toilet, using some tissue to clean himself. "That better, Sweetcheeks?"
"Much better, Lindsey. Thanks."
"I'll go order us another round while you clean up a little, k?"
"Sounds like a plan to me."
After Lindsey left, Xander used some tissue to wipe away the soap still between his cheeks. Then, pulling his pants up and fastening them, he slid down the wall to sit back in the corner, once more letting the tears come.
********
"Angel, you have to go find him."
"Cordelia, Xander is an adult. If he wants to wander around the streets of LA, then more power to him."
"And have you forgotten what else wanders the streets of LA at 1:30 in the morning?"
"No, I haven't. But Xander grew up on the Hellmouth. He is more than capable of taking care of himself."
"This is Xander we're talking about. The walking hospital bill. Angel, either you go out and find him or I will."
"Fine. I'll go out and drag him back here. Then you can deal with his mood."
"Fine. I will. But know one thing, before he leaves to go back to Sunnydale you will sit down to talk to him. He came all this way to see you, and you are not going to break his heart again."
"Break HIS heart? Oh, never mind. Cordelia, you have no idea what you're talking about. This is between Xander and I, and when and IF I decide to talk with him about it is up to me. So kindly stay out of it."
"Whatever you say, Angel. Just remember, I don't like my friends hurt, even if they do it to themselves."
After that, all that could be heard was Angel mumbling as he headed out the door. Cordelia turned and sat back down at her desk, a worried expression on her face. //If those two don't kill each other first, they'll make the perfect couple.//
**************
//He's sorry. He said he's sorry. Like that's supposed to just make everything better? Like, hey oops, sorry I made you look feel an ass. Sorry I took all your words of love and trampled them with my feet. Sorry I broke your heart//
Angel was so involved in his thoughts that he almost missed seeing Xander stumble out of the entrance to Caritas. Although for his part Xander probably wasn't seeing much of anything either, what with having his eyes closed and his tongue buried in some strange guy's mouth. //Wait, that's not a stranger. That's...//
"Lindsey!!" Angel roared as he lunged at the lawyer. Before Lindsey had time to pull away from Xander the vampire was on him, heedless of Xander being thrown into the wall of the building.
"I told you to stay away from Xander. He's mine. I warned you." Angel wrapped his hands around Lindsey's throat, enjoying the way the lawyer's eyes bulged as he squeezed then slackened his hold.
"Yeah, you warned me. And can't you just see me shaking in my boots? You won't kill me. You don't have the guts. Face it Angel, you've gone soft. I told you I'd be seeing him again. Now, how far do you think I can take it with him? I've already fucked him. Think I can form a whole relationship with him...." Lindsey's words were cut off with a sharp twist of his head.
Angel let the lifeless lawyer drop to the ground. "I told you to leave him alone."
Angel turned, his face smoothing back into his human self. Seeing Xander lying there, head covered in blood, body crumpled against the building was enough to make him want to kill Lindsey again. Realizing that Xander shouldn't see what had happened, Angel walked over and scooped him into his arms.
"Angel?"
Angel's heart ached at the weak sound of Xander's voice. Seeing Xander this way pained him in ways nothing ever had in his long unlife. "Xander, you okay?"
"Think so. Not really sure. Man, I am getting tired of lumps on the head. Definitely not of the good."
Angel repositioned Xander's weight as he started down the street toward the Hyperion. "Come on, let's get you home."
"Home? I thought you didn't want me there."
"I'm sorry Xander. For everything. We have a lot we need to talk about, but first, let's get back to the hotel."
"K. And Angel?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry too. I never meant to hurt you. I was just so angry, and hurt. I just lashed out at you. The minute you walked out the door I wanted you back."
"We were both hurt and angry. We both said things and did things we regret."
"I guess so. Is it just me, or are the buildings supposed to be turning in circles? Nope, it's me. I think I'm gonna be sick."
"It's okay, baby, I've got you."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
Angel tightened his grip on Xander's shoulders. "Just hold on, Xan, we'll be there in a few minutes."
"Mmmhmmm."
Angel looked into Xander's face, finding him passed out cold again. "Oh god, Xander. What would I do if I lost you."
********
Listening for any change in Xander, Angel fumbled through drawers looking for anything that would fit the younger man. Hearing the acceleration of the heartbeat, Angel ran for the bathroom at full vampire speed.
Xander woke up. Scared, alone, wet... //Wait, why am I wet?// Opening his eyes, he found himself sitting in a bathtub. "Angel. Angel?"
"Xan, baby, I'm here. I was finding you some clothes, I didn't mean to leave you."
"Angel, why am I in a bathtub?"
"You needed to clean up and you were unconscious, so I put you in the tub. What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong. I just don't remember getting here. That's all."
"Well, if you hadn't passed out, you probably would have remembered. Do you remember us talking before you passed out?"
"Yeah, mostly."
"Angel? Lindsey didn't hurt you after I went to visit Mr. Sleepy, did he?"
"Let's not worry about that right now. Why don't we get you out of the tub and into the bedroom before that water gets cold enough to make you really sick? I've got the bed turned down and some clothes laid out for you. You should get a good night's sleep." Angel stood and walked over to the sink. Grabbing the towel he'd laid there earlier, he turned back to see Xander's
eyes tracing his body up and down. "Or, if you're willing, we could just forget the clothes and the sleep. We can forget all the bad stuff happened at all and just start over."
"Works for me."
Angel reached down to help Xander stand in the tub. Using both hands, he then went on to dry Xander's body thoroughly with the plush towel. Once dry, Angel gently picked Xander up out of the tub and carried him into the bedroom, placing him on the bed.
Xander reached up as Angel began to stand, pulling the vampire back to him. Locking his lips on Angel's, the younger man wound his fingers into the vampire's hair. "Angel?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"I love you too, Xander. You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say those words."
"Oh, I think I can imagine." Xander replied, grinning.