No, no, no. It can't be true. But it has to be. I can still hear the words, in my head, over and over.
"Get the hell out. Out of my house, out of my life, out of my town. I never want to see you again."
Stupid, stupid. How could I be so stupid? It all seemed so important at the time. I loved him, wanted him, needed him. And was stupid enough to believe he loved me back. If I hadn't pushed at him, nagged him, I would still be able to pretend. But I had to ask for commitment, for promises of love. I needed that, the love. I needed to know that what we had was love, and not just me being his whore. I had that with Anya.
Why did I believe so much that he loved me? He'd never told me. I'd just assumed. Assumed that when he looked at me with those eyes, so full of eternal and overwhelming love, that he was seeing me.
But it was her. Still, after all these years, it was always her.
"Xander, what am I going to do with you?" Laughter rang out in Angel's voice.
"Take me up to your castle, where we'll live happily ever after. Love me, that's all I want."
Angel's face sobered, all traces of happiness gone.
"What is it? You've got droopy face. Did I do something wrong?"
Angel looked up, eyes full of regret for lost chances. "No. You haven't done anything wrong. It was me."
Laughing, Xander rolled over, draping his body across Angel's broad chest. "That's silly. You haven't done anything wrong. Trust me, it was all done the right way."
"Xander, I haven't been honest with you. Tell me, truthfully, are you in love with me?"
"Well, duh! Of course we're in love." Xander stopped, realizing suddenly how that question was phrased. "But that's not what you mean, is it?"
"No, Xander, but you answered it."
"Angel, what's this about? Did I do something to make you stop loving me?"
"Oh God, no, Xander. You didn't do anything. I told you, it was me. I never should have let it go this far."
"What do you mean? Tell me what to do, I'll do anything."
"There's nothing you can do. I'm so sorry, Xander. I never meant to hurt you. I just can't love you the way you want me to. You will always have a piece of my heart, but the whole of it and my soul belongs to Buffy, and will for as long as she lives."
Humiliated. That's what he did to me, he humiliated me. What are my friends going to think of me now? After all this time, telling them how happy I was, how much I loved my mystery man. What if that was the plan all along? Set me up, make me love him, only to have him rip my heart into a thousand pieces.
Or, could this be Anya's revenge? But I didn't have a choice, I couldn't marry her, when I loved someone else. Besides, she was only using me to make herself feel more human. She'd told me so many times.
No. This is all Buffy's fault. She never would let him go. And then, when he finally escaped from her, to LA, she'd followed him. Making up excuses to go there, just to keep him dangling on the end of her leash. And when she couldn't go, she'd make him come here.
She's evil. How many monsters and other evils has she unleashed on the world, just to have her way, and bring Angel to her? Then, she'd parade her latest boy toy in front of him, knowing his demon would drive him crazy with jealousy.
But I found him. I helped him. Together, we overcame her evil, destructive hold on him. We fell in love. We made plans for our future together. For two years, I helped him hold her evil at bay, but somehow she found a way, some hidden way that she could use to pull him back in.
What was it he said? "For as long as she lives." If it were really true love, like ours, nothing, not even death, could end it. That must have been her plan all along. Use him for as long as she was alive. That tiny piece of humanity left in her must have made her realize that she wouldn't live forever, she would release him when she was dead, when she would no longer be able to enjoy his torment.
So that's my answer. From his lips, put there by her evil brain. For him to be free, be mine, she has to die.
I go to my closet and throw on some clothes, not caring which ones, although I can tell by the smell that they belong to him. Somehow, that seems fitting, that some small piece of him will be there when I release him from his bonds of slavery.
I reach further back into the closet, pulling out the short sword she'd given me, just this past Christmas. That, too, seemed fitting, using evil's own weapon against her. I'm ready now. I know what must be done. I told him I'd do anything. This, he couldn't ask for. Her hold was too tight, but I knew. He wanted to be free of her, free to love me the way he wanted.
The night is so dark, with no moon, no stars. But there's a peace in this night. Knowing that when it's over, I'll be with Angel. Forever.
No lights on in the house. That's good. It means she's back from her patrol. Yeah, right, patrol. I bet that's when she goes to be with her demon friends, to hatch her evil plots. That's the reason she stopped letting us go on regular patrols with her. We were getting too close to the truth, and she couldn't have that. But she couldn't kill us, either. Then Giles would call the Council to investigate, and her evil would be found out.
She looks so peaceful in sleep. Like the Buffy we met back in high school. I feel my resolve slipping, until I remember that Angel isn't the first man she's stolen from me.
Jesse. His light and innocence snuffed out, because she couldn't have him. And when she killed him, she made me believe I'd done it. As if I would ever kill my best friend, my first lover.
Shhh. She's waking. Stupid me, I must have cried out, made some noise. She looks up and sees me. I see the anger flash through her eyes, quickly covered up with all that fake concern.
"Xander what are you doing here? It's the middle of the night." She actually has the gall to act innocent, confused. I laugh at her.
"I know what time it is. Just like you know why I'm here."
"What are you talking about? Why are you here?"
"Don't treat me like I'm stupid!" I scream at her. "I know your game. I've caught onto it now. I'm going to stop you, make sure your evil ends."
"Xander?" I hear Willow's voice from the doorway behind me, and I close my eyes, hiding my fear.
"Another trick, Buffy? Calling your demon buddies, and hiding them in the guise of my friends won't save you. I'll kill them all, then I'll kill you." I thrust out with my sword, trusting my years of experience at fighting demons and vampires, and feel the squishy impact as the sword buries to the hilt in the Willow demon's neck. I look down as the body falls, and see it transform back into it's true, hideous form. Acting quickly, I thrust the sword again and again, taking out the demons she'd chosen to give Tara's face to, and the hardest was little Dawnie. I knew it wasn't really her, but it was still so hard to put the sword through her heart.
I turn back to Buffy, sitting on her bed, the fakeness of her paralyzing shock making me sick. Then, the worst of them all, she put Angel's face on one of her demons.
"Xander, you have to stop this. You're killing your family."
"No, Angel. I'm helping you. You said it yourself. For as long as she lives, she has your heart, your soul. I'm going to give those back to you. I'm going to free you. Then we can be together. The was what we planned before she snatched you up into her evil web again."
I go to him, touch him. He feels so real, but the look of horror, of disgust, on his face tells me that this isn't my Angel. My Angel would be happy, he'd want to be free. And God help anyone who tries to stop me from making that happen.
I pull back my sword, ready to kill this evil copy of the purest light in my life. "I know you aren't really my Angel, but know that I love you. More than life itself." I strike out, aiming for the heart, but am surprised when the sword goes flying.
I turn to see Buffy there, rage burning through her eyes like wildfire. "Xander, what's happened to you? You killed Willow...Tara...oh God, Dawn. Why?"
I laugh at her again. "Your little mind tricks don't work on me anymore. I know what you really are now. Evil. You must have been evil ever since the Master killed you. Our Buffy never came back, did she? You're just some evil copy of her."
I see her go toward Angel now. She's crying, but I know now that this isn't the real Buffy. Those tears no longer move me the way they once did.
She starts talking, and now I can hear her gravelly demon voice. She touches him, and I see red. "Get away from him, you demon bitch!"
I fly towards her, pushing her back from Angel. She tries to fight back, but I have the training that she and Giles have given us all. Her punches blocked, her jabs ducked, I keep pushing her back until she hits the window. Now I see real fear in her eyes. She never thought she would be questioned by one of us humans, let alone be caught or defeated.
"For you, Angel." I whisper, just before running at her, crashing through the window, both of us tumbling the two floors to the ground.
I land on top of her, hearing the bones of her neck and ribs as they crack and break. I wearily climb to my feet, knowing that I'll be sore for a few days to come, but happy and satisfied that the demon is dead, Buffy's at peace, and Angel is free.
I turn at the sound of him rushing out the door. He scoops me up in his arms, twirling me around in circles, his laughter a balm to my soul.
Finally, he sets me on my feet, cups my cheek, and gives my the first soul-deep, love-filled kiss of our new life together.
"Thank you, Xander. Thank you for freeing me from all my curses. But mostly, thank you for loving me enough to keep your faith in me, even when I had none in myself."
That's what true love is all about, my Angel."
**********************************************
Angel reached down, offering his hand to Buffy. Pulling her to her feet, he quickly wrapped her in his arms. "I'm so glad you're okay."
Buffy turned sad, tear-filled eyes on Angel. "I'm the Slayer, Angel. That keeps me alive, and helps me heal. But I am far from okay."
She looked down. Angel followed her gaze. Xander lay on the ground, a large chuck of glass cutting a ragged gash through his throat, his blood pooling beneath his head.
Buffy dropped to her knees, taking Xander's hand in her own. "Oh God, Xander. What happened to you?"
Angel's eye's glittered golden in the light from the street lamps above them. "I don't think you have to worry about that, Buffy. You'll be joining him soon enough."
Buffy stared up at Angel, fear and grief warring in her eyes. "Angel? What's going on?"
"Gee, Buff. I always thought you were a smart girl. Kinda thought you'd have figured it out by now." Angel reached down, grabbing a handful of her hair, and jerking her to her feet.
"Angel?" Confusion and terror, now in her voice, she searched his eyes, looking for the man she loved.
"I'm sorry, he's out at the moment. But if you wait for the beep, and leave a message, he'll get back to you as soon as he can." Then, lunging forward, Angelus dug his fangs into her throat.
Once drained, he dropped her body to the ground. "Beep."