Sections:
1. Oily Testament(1980-1
998)2. Nude Testament(1998-2002)
Oily Testament-Book One-The Book of Heinisness
The Story of Creation
1-In the beginning Fred was created in the paper magic factory in China by some guy named Wu-Tang. He was then bored and looked upon the earth and exclaimed-"What the fuck?!"-How was there a factory and Wu-Tang if nothing existed. Fred rather than bothering to waste his time pondering this decided he'd create the universe so things would make enough sense such that it wouldn't really bug him all that much. Everything that existed sucked as Fred soon observed as he stumbled around in dark and banged his head on a chandelier. He wanted to see what it was he hit his poor fragile skull on so he flipped a switch and saw it was a chandelier and said Wow light, cool. A light bulb was out so he screwed a new one in and thus the first joke How many lords of all creation does it take to screw in a light bulb was born. But alas the light was too bright and almost gave Fred a seizure so he took out a 10 gauge shotgun and blasted the chandelier and said that is darkness. That was really all that happened on the first day. Fred got stoned and went to sleep.
Fred then woke up and slurred, “let me separate the ground and water from the air"-and it was done. Fred then called the ground dirt and air, “Air” for lack of effort of thinking of a name. The lord ended this second day by getting sloshed and passing it in the bathroom.
On the 3rd day Fred woke still hung over. Fred looked upon everything he created and said "Damn this is boring. I think I'll create some plants which I could smoke to get high and all kinds of pretty fruits that I could eat."-So it was done and Fred created all sorts of plant life that would amuse him and help him get high. And get high he did on that which was the third day.
On the fourth day Fred said "Damn this is getting old already. I need something shiny to look at."-So Fred created the sun and thought it was good until he got a sunburn and he said-"I'll point my ass at that bastard and make it appear each night."-And thus the sun and moon were born. The lord got wasted and went to sleep the night of the fourth day.
On the fifth day Fred decided-"Ah shit I still haven't created anything worthwhile. I need something that'll hold my interest without me needing to be high and wasted."-Fred thought and pondered for what seemed like hours but was actually more like 3 minutes and Fred created lots of furry animals and then some more vicious ones to rip them to bloody shreds. Fred was amused by this for awhile but then exclaimed- "Violence and gruesome dismemberment alone can't keep me entertained forever."-So Fred told all the creatures he created to go make mad passionate hot stinky sweaty love to each other. So the creatures obeyed and Fred thought Eh it's good enough for now anyway. So on that fifth day Fred was amused and aroused enough to get to sleep by masturbation alone.