Mystic Voiced Announcer: In a time shrouded in darkness...... In a place where no sane person would go......... In a galaxy surrounded by evil....... From the minds of four people so crazy, Comedy Central wouldn't even show their program........ It's Harry Potter Theater 2525!
-lights come on to reveal three girls and a guy sitting in a movie theater-
Derek: Hello future readers. I'm Derek Lewis.
Ophelia: You suck.
Dani: That was mean! Derek is sweet and intellegent and and cute… Shouldn’ve said that…-blushes- um.. I’m Dani.
Kaelio: And I'm Kaelio, Dani's best friend, and a fellow fiction writer!
Derek: Anyways, we are here to MST bad Harry Potter fics by Dani and Kaelio.
Dani: Wait a minute!
Kaelio: We never agreed to that!
Ophelia: The Civil War started in 1861 due to tensions between the North and the South.
All:-blink-
Kaelio: Ooookay… I knew I should’ve made someone better up…
Ophelia: You suck.
Kaelio: Well anyway, this isn't any ordinary MST. As you can see, there's no Harry Potter characters here. Dani got sick of kidnapping them.
Dani: Well they always escape!
Derek: So enough with the intros and all that crap, we're movin on.
-the theater goes dark and a story appears on the screen-
The Tale of Penguin, the poka-dotted, non-swearing penguin.
Derek: Great title for a story...
Dani: Yup, it's very vague isn't it?
Kaelio: By the way, it's a TALE not a STORY, you moron.
Ophelia: yup.
Harry passed out on top of Mount Everest and was never heard from again.
Derek: Until the year 3001 when his ghost returned to haunt the desendents of his enemies who had actually pushed him off of Mount Everest.
Now that that's done with, ON WITH THE FIC!
Dani: It's a TALE!
The students of Hogwarts ran screaming into walls and stuff because
Kaelio: It is just plain fun.
..... dun dun DUN!
Kaelio: Dani kissed Harry Potter!
Derek: But he's dead...
Kaelio: Dani, Dani, Dani.... What goes on in that sick mind of yours?
Dani: I would never cheat on Draco! Especially with that.... goober....
Derek: Goober… that's a new one.
Britney and Justin were there!
Derek: Ah, yes.... well placed pawns for Dani's world domination plans...
Dani: Too true.
Kaelio: Hey, remember that's partly my plan.
Ophelia: You suck.
AND THEY WERE SINGING!
Kaelio:-nasally voice- Oops I farted again!
Derek:-high voice- Baby ain't no lie, baby die, die, DIE!
These people needed help!
Dani:-jumps up in her seat- Looks like a job for..... MISS AMERICAN MISS!-slips off of seat and falls to the ground-
Kaelio: Great job M.A.M., you really saved the day that time.
Ophelia: The Civil War started in 1861 due to tensions between the North and the South.
They called Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Spider-Man, and they even called Hyphen-Lady, but none of them could stand up to Britney and Justin's horrible screeching.
Derek: What about Bird Man?!
All with the exception of Ophelia: BIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRD MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!
Ophelia: Yup.
So far only Lockhart had died because of the screeches. God knows why Lockhart was at Hogwarts.
Dani: He was looking for a photo-opp with Harry Potter.
Kaelio: Who, by the way, is still dead.
As Britney and Justin advanced on the cornered students, a loud car horn drowneed out their shrieks.
Derek: Damn rush hour traffic.
Dani: SPELLING ERROR!
Kaelio: And?
A purple poka-dotted beetle with a zebra striped fur interior was zooming straight towards Brit and Justin.
Dani: Derek's dream car.
Derek: You know it.
The beetle nailed them and sent them flying through a seventh story window even though they were on the first floor.
Kaelio: I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the sky! I think about it night and day, spread my wings and f-has a bucket of popcorn dumped on her head-
"Damn.... They won't be in the sequel!" Chirs Tucker said.
Derek:-Jackie Chan impression- Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?
Kaelio: Dude… That was the worst Jackie Chan impression ever.
Ophelia: You suck.
Dani: There's another SPELLING ERROR!
Kaelio: We don't care.
"GASP!" the driver of the purple poka-dotted yellow beetle with the fur interior with christmas lights said.
Dani: He cares!
Kaelio: No he doesn't, it's all about Derek's Jackie Chan impression.
Dani: Yeah, even he thinks it's bad. Lay off the impressions, you moronic bitch.
"YOU SWORE!"
Derek: Damn right she did.
Dani: Well you swore too!
Kaelio: But the driver didn't catch him.
The car door opened and reveiled a small poka-dotted penguin. But this wasn't no ordinary poka-dotted penguin..
Dani: It was Harry Potter in disguise!
Kaelio: Looking for Dani!
Dani: Stop it!
It was a non-swearing poka-dotted penguin.
Dani: We were close...
Derek: By a few miles at least.
And in the penguin's flipper was a bottle of blueberry scented, blue, anti-bacterial, foam-blaster soap with extra foaming action.
Kaelio: Hey! That's mine!
"Time to wash your mouth out, Chris Tucker!" The penguin shouted.
Dani: It's also time for your sponge bath!
Chis Tucker ran away.
Dani: ANOTHER SPELLING ERROR!
Derek: Dani, by the end of this story, we're going to have no characters left because of you.
Ophelia: Yup.
He ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and... well you get the picture.
Kaelio: No, we don't. Explain it again.
The penguin hopped back into his purple poka-dotted yellow beetle with fur interior ith christmas lights and chased him.
Dani: Awwww! I think some one has a crush on some one.....
Kaelio: Shhhhh!!! No one's supposed to know about my crush on Ron!
Derek: That was sheer brilliance, Kae.
Ron
Kaelio: MY KNIGHT!!!
came running down the hall screaming "¡Socorro! ¡Socorro! ¡Yo bailo desnudo en mi casa de piña debajo del mar!"
Derek: Your dream, Kaelio.
Kaelio: Cierra la boca!
"What?" everyone shouted because they didn't speak an ounce of Spanish, well at the time they thought it was French, dumbasses.....
Kaelio: Where's that penguin? He needs to scrub Dani's keyboard with soap.
Dani: Bound and gagged in the trunk of Derek’s car.
Derek: I have a truck.
Dani: Damn it, Derek! Why can’t you do anything right!?
ANYWAYS, Hermione stopped the purple poka-dotted yellow beetle with a fur interior with christmas lights and asked penguin to walk with her.
Kaelio: Why walk when you can drive?
Derek: Well, Hermione's not too bright....
Dani: What are you talking about? She's way smarter than you.
Derek: Well why didn't she get in the car then?
Ophelia: Yup.
"Penguin, there's something I need to talk to you about." Hermione said.
Kaelio: You need to shower.... I can't stand your stench... You make the corridors smell like rotten eggs.
"Yes?" Penguin asked.
Dani: No?
Ophelia: The Civil War started in 1861 due to tensions between the North and the South.
"Well, I...um.... I...uh... I don't know how to say this.." Hermione said.
Dani: So I'll just stand here and stall for time... la la la la la....
"Just tell me." Penguin said taking Hermione's hand.
Derek: And putting it in a jar where he kept it in a dark corner of his basement.
"Ok, I love you. From the moment you saved us from Britney and Justin I knew you were the one for me."
Derek: But I love you Hermione!
Dani: But I love you Derek!
Ophelia: You suck.
"I love you too Hermione."
Kaelio: Relationships like that never last....
Then a lot of romantic music played.
Dani:-starts humming Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" loudly-
A week later they were married.
Kaelio: And then built a laser on the moon and destroyed the earth. The end.
Neo was the best man, Jack was the priest, a bowl of strawberry jello was the flower girl, a bowl of chilli and Plankton were brides maids.
Dani: Keanu Reeves times two!
Cass: w00t!
Kaelio: Where’d she come from?
Derek: Where’d she go?
Ophelia: The Civil War started in 1861 due to tensions between the North and the South.
Everyone thought they lived happily ever after.
Kaelio: AH HA! I knew it!
BUT, Hermione had an affair with Josh Harnett and the two of them ran away together leaving pooor Penguin heart broken.
Dani: Baaaad Mr. Hairnett.....
Ophelia: You suck.
But Penguin found someone new. He fell in love with the prettiest girl he had ever seen. He and Kaelio were married a day after Penguin's and Hermione's divorce was completed.
Kaelio: YES!! PENGUIN IS MINE!
Dani: But I loved Penguin! I can't believe he left me for that airhead!
Kaelio: HEY!
Penguin and Kaelio lived happily ever after.
Derek: Before Penguin ran off with Liv Tyler.
Dani: If you want the penguin, come and claim him.
Oh yeah, all the murders from the scream saga killed Hermione for breaking Penguin's heart.
Derek: Wow, Penguin has a lot of connections...
Josh Harnett was spared since he didn't know that Hermione was married to Penguin.
Kaelio: Mr. Hairnett! Why didn't you figure out that Ms. Granger was married to Penguin from the locket she had that had a picture of Penguin in it?-holds a microphone up to the picture of Josh Harnett on the screen-
THE END!
Dani: So soon?
Ophelia: Yup.
Derek: Damn it....
Kaelio: PENGUIN! PENGUIN! HE SWORE!!!
Dani: Well, that's all the time we have for this episode of HPT2525. Join us next week for Dani L. Servo's story, "Lord Who(part 1)".
Derek: Isn’t that your story?
Dani: SHH!
Kaelio: Hasta nublado!
Ophelia: You suck.
