ALL I HAVE LEFT






Destiny's evil plan...It was out of her control again. Willow wasn't Faith. She couldn't just hang up the phone. Rejection had never been her strongest side...She couldn't help but feeling caught, again...In the web of evil, that she desperately had been trying to avoid most of her adult life.

And still, a part of were exited...And thrilled. That side of her who always had been drawn to the slayer, and the darkness surrounding her.

Buffy's aura...it was like a living thing...It took you, swallowed you...And in Willow's case, spitted her out again. And no matter how painful her stay had been...Something inside of her would always wish to crawl back, and stay in the shadow of this living, mythical creature... Willow looked out of the window and watched the lights beneath her, while the plane brought her closer to the slayer... Every minute seemed to long, it was like the longest flight she had ever taken, and still...A part of her just wanted to catch the next flight home again...

She suddenly realized that she hadn't felt so alive since she left Sunnydale...
Maybe it was the key...
Feeling alive...
You never felt more alive than after surviving an attack by vicious demons, or after saving the world...You could get addicted to that feeling... So sparkling and intense.
Like every breath was a gift.
And every minute counted.
She and her friends had experienced this emotions like no other human beings had...And, she was convinced, like no human beings were supposed too.
Except for the slayer...
Forever marked...
Hearing Buffy's voice again. It brought so much back...It was like she never had left her...
She realized that she remembered Buffy's face better than she remembered her former husband's.

She had thought, that since her experiences in Sunnydale, were so strange, unnatural and had so little to do with the rest of the world...That they in a way disconnected her from it. Like being a slayerette, in a way, kept her from experience the "real" life...
Maybe she had been wrong...?
Maybe exploring the dark sides of the universe made her know more about life...And because of that knowledge she was able to live a more fulfilling, a richer life, than most people...

A tap on her shoulder distracted her from her thoughts, her first thought when she saw the dark male beside her seat, was that she wasn't prepared for this...Yet...She had still much thinking to do. Before she approached in the slayers world again...
But he was there. And they were in up in air.There was not much else she could do but to deal with it.
He looked down at her with a soft smile on his lips...
How long had it been since she last saw a vampire?

- Angel! I didn't think that you were flying?
His smile grew bigger;
- It's such a short flight...I'll take my chances.
Silence between them.Willows mouth were dry.
- Wont you...Sit...Down?
- ...Oh...I don't fly on business class...
- I'm sure they don't mind. I'll pay for you if they do!

Stupid, stupid her...She silently yelled at herself.Always so nice...Always so friendly.To good for her own good...
- Well, in that case...I'll join you.
He sat down. A beautiful, young man...And she was the only one on the whole plane who knew, that the man beside her was dead.
That there was no beating heart under his shirt...and that the soul inside of him, had a demon as its room mate.

A stewardess came to their seats and offered them a drink.
- Just coffee please.
The stewardess nodded, and poured a cup from her wagon
- What about your son,
She gave Angel a sweet smile,
- does he want something?

Willow flushed;
- I think my SON, can order for himself...Can you do that dear? She gave Angel a wicked smile.
He smiled back, the amusement showed in his eyes...
- Yes, mum, I can...But I wont...I've had my share tonight!
He pointed down at a cooling-bag between his legs.
She wrinkled her nose;
- Yes, I should have thought so...
The stewardess gave them a unsecure smile...Something probably told her that she had made a mistake somewhere...And continued her round.

- You were missing, Willow...
- I left!
She could feel a headache build in her forehead...It always brought forward the worst in her.
- Buffy was looking all over for you.
- She was?
- ...Yes...Why are you sounding so surprised. You were her best friend...She has never found anyone like you again...As far as I know...
....
- So you haven't...Seen her...
-...No...She disappeared too...Like the rest of you did...She had a really hard time...
- And Giles...And her family? They're probably dead by now.
-...They...Were...Killed, years ago...
- Giles too...But?
- Drusilla's children...They were all over Sunnydale after she left...And they had this powers...They were almost untouchable...Buffy had a really rough time getting rid of them.
Willow was silent. In her own grief, she hadn't thought of the possibility that someone else could have lost someone too.
- Was it before...Or after...I left?
She asked.
- Before I think...While you were in the hospital.
- But why didn't they...
He interrupted her
- You were so weak...And then you disappeared.
She suddenly felt ashamed...To good for her own good...Maybe she should reconsider that one.

- Angel, I wasn't well...I needed...things...To be normal...
- You wanted a normal life?
His voice suddenly became cold. His eyes were black with anger. He whispered as he spoke:
- Didn't we all Willow? Didn't I want a normal life...Or Buffy...? We had no choice...Being on the top of the hellmouth was no game...Nothing you could just quit!
Do you think any of them wanted to be there?
Giles...Who lost Jenny. Buffy...Who lost Riley, Giles and her mom.All in one day...Should she just quit fighting...Lay down her stake and run?!
Who should save the world then...Who should keep evil out of your precious little life...?!

Willow's eyes were filled with tears...She turned away and stared out of the window.Out in the cold darkness. So frightening, and yet so sweet and tempting...

He wouldn't let her.He grabbed her cheeks with one hand, and forced her head back...
- Look at me Willow!
His eyes were sparkling...
She swallowed hard, and tried to get her emotions under control... - Buffy is the slayer Angel...And you...Were bit by a vampire. I was...I am...Only a human...Nothing more...Nothing less...I wasn't made for that kind of life...

He removed his hand...But his eyes were still dark.
- So that's why you made her trust you...Became her friend and made her count on you...Made her feel like SHE had a life! Just like everybody else! So you could drop the responsibility once the darkness came to close...And betrayed her...Take it all away from her gain...
He didn't sound angry anymore, just sad...

- Angel...I didn't realize. I didn't know...
- Are you married Willow?
- Yes...No...I mean...I was...
- It didn't work right?
- No...It didn't.
- Why...?
- Why are you asking?
- I have my reasons...
- What are they.?
- You know that Xander married Faith...?
- yes, I...Called them...
Angel gave her a short laugh.
- They wasn't to thrilled about that...Right?
- No...They weren't...
- they say that they want to forget the past...But they're holding on to eachother...Climbing up in eachothers laps at night...Trying to convince themselves that it's over...But it isn't...It never will be...

She thought she knew where he was headed,
- And your point is...?
- Someone who has never experienced the things you, I , Buffy and the others have...Will never, ever be able to feel as strong as we do...That's why your marriage didn't work...Or Cordelia's...Your men has simply not been able to feel as strong as you do...

Willow swallowed hard again...Didn't wanna cry again.
- Yes, I suppose you're right...We're freaks...Marked, for life...
As she spoke she suddenly felt how good it was to be with him...No hiding...No painful rejection of the parts of her that she had chosen to keep as a secret...Even when he yelled at her, it was honest...And done out of conserne, and respect. She didn't feel like defending herself anymore...She had made mistakes...And she would deal with it...Think about...Later...Right now she would grab the chance to actually do something...And do her best...Maybe it would up weight some of it.
She had missed him.
Missed them.
She told him.
He just smiled and put his arm around her shoulders...She leaned at his chest and listened to the silence. It felt good. It was home.

They arrived at Buffy's home at dawn...Meaning that it soon was sleeping time for traveling companion. He looked tired...And pale...But that's how he was supposed to look, she reminded herself.
She paid the cab and they slowly walked up to the front door. It was a small house, outside town...Surrounded by a overgrown garden.
Several big, old apple trees were blooming. It the flowery scent was heavy in the cool morning air.
It looked so quiet...so peaceful...
The white house...A bird sang from the top of the roof.
No sign of the horror inside.
They reached the door. And Willow took a deep breath before knocking. There was no doorbell...they probably didn't have many visitors.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer opened the door wearing only a dark blue robe...Her hair was hanging loose. Still blonde. But not so light as used to be. She was skinny and pale. Her face was marked by several lines...Some of them wrinkles. Some of them scars.
Sharp lines around her mouth and in her forehead made her look bitter. Her eyes were glowing in her pale face. Dark shadows were surrounding them.
She was no high school beauty anymore. She was a fighter.
And it showed in every movement she made.
Quick and strong.
But she were still graceful. And her attitude were proud. Proud and fearless.
Willow wondered if she could remember the last time she had laughed.

- He is in here...
The slayer showed them into a dark room right inside the hall. The windows were covered with dark velvet, and the only furniture in the room were a bed, a chair and a table, filled with cloths, bottles and plastic bags with blood.
It smelled bad in there. Feasting flesh and sweat. Willow covered her nose with her arm when they approached the bed.

The vampire's eyes were open...But he didn't see them. His skin was covered with some kind of fluid. It was white and looked thick. Angel touched his forehead, making Buffy scream:
- Watch yourself Angel! Maybe you can get it too.
Angel quickly removed his hand.
- He is hot...he shouldn't be able to get hot.
Willow asked:
- How long has he been like this?
- About six weeks...
- And then he came to you?

Both Buffy and Angel turned and stared at her in surprise. Angel spoke;
- Willow, he lives with her...They have lived together for years.Ever since...
- Oh...
Willow looked down at Spike...If she didn't know better she would say he was dead...Like in gone...But he couldn't die...That was the point...He was an immortal only a dying one...It didn't make sense to her at all...Still his face looked like a death mask.
All the lines were sharply drawn into his flesh...His fangs seemed more yellow than white in the darkness. His hands were folded over his chest, in a classic Dracula position. From the others expressions she could tell that they were just as confused as she was.

Buffy spoke: - He still got clear moments. But mostly, he just lays there...Like this.
If Buffy had been twenty years younger, she would have cried now...Willow knew that expression...The way she bit her lip...

Willow got an idea.
- What about the micro chip...Could it have something to do with this?
- Oh.
Buffy spoke;
- We removed that years ago...It wasn't good for his selfinsuranse... Willow was truly shocked.
- But...Wouldn't it turn him in to that...Same killing machine as he used to be...?
Buffy stared right into her eyes,
- Yes, Willow, it would!
- So why...?
A noise from the bed interrupted them;
The dead man spoke, with a low whispering voice;
- Buffy? Get your bloody arse over here, Pretty...

Buffy was at his side at once, she used a towel to dry his cheeks and forehead.
When she spoke to him it was in a gentle voice. Soft and light; - I'm here, my love...And so is Angel...And Willow...Everything is going to be alright now, Love...I promise...

The creature in the bed obviously needed some time to gather enough strength to answer her, his voice seemed stronger when he spoke them again;
- About time that sire of mine, does something useful.
A terrible noise came from his throat, and he fell back to unconsciousness. Buffy's face had no expression when she turned to them again...But the bitter lines were even deeper. And her mouth just a dark line in her face.
- He is stronger at night...
She started to walk but had to lean on Angel not to fall. Hanging on his shoulder she stumbled out of the room.
- I'm so glad you came...You will help him, right?

Angel answered; - We will try...But we don't...
They reached the kitchen across the hall, and Angel placed Buffy in a chair.
- We don't know how...Yet...To be honest with you Buffy...I have never seen anything like this.

Angel didn't seem anything as shocked as Willow was over Buffy's condition...Maybe because he had followed her a bit further than Willow had.
she felt bad...Really bad...
She looked around her, and found a surprisingly clean kitchen...Buffy's mum used to clean when she was frustrated, maybe her daughter had developed the same habit.
Blue walls and white curtains...This was doubtless Buffy's room. Even if the windows were covered.
A table and four chairs was placed in the center. On the fridge Willow could spot a picture; Spike laughing with Buffy in his arms. Almost like a couple. And worse, even like a ordinary couple. Almost like any woman in love would do.Hang a picture of her boyfriend on the refrigerator.
- Buffy! Are you and Spike...

Buffy glanced at her with dead eyes.
- You really don't know anything...Do you?
- ...No, I ...Before you called, and told me it was an emergency...I didn't even know that you were alive...Any of you... She included Angel with a gesture.

- We got married ten years ago...We were both drunk...But never the less. I'm his wife. And he is my husband. For better and for worse...I never thought I should outlive him...
Buffy looked more dead than alive herself. There was no spark in her eyes, in her voice...She just seemed tired.
Angel were still holding her hand. She looked up on him.
- Angel, if he dies...I don't know what to do...
He squeezed her hand gently,
- I know Buffy. I know...

Willow felt like she was watching a drama. A play she had no part in...And some how...It made her feel sad again.
I didn't fit, though, in her head. That Buffy suddenly should have fallen for Spike...Had he gotten a soul or something...?
- But, Buffy...Why? Why Spike...I mean...He was our enemy, right? A vicious killer. You didn't even like him when he was harmless...!

Willow didn't realize what happened before she found herself hanging from the slayers arms, with her back pressed against the wall... Her eyes weren't dead anymore...Oh no there was sparks...There was fire...Out of control. And she screamed:
- Why! Wanna know WHY miss Rosenberg?!
Willow's back hurt, but she was to scared to say a word;
- Why is because he is all I have left! He is all I brought with me from Sunnydale!
She started to shake Willow like she was a rag doll.
- Because other people kind of disappeared! You know! But HE didn't! That's why Willow! And YOU are going to make him find again! Cause you owe it to me! Do you hear me!

Suddenly she let go, and Willow fell to the floor. She gasped for air and the tears hurt in her sore eyes.
Her heart beat slowly went back to normal.

She looked up and saw Buffy's wild face over her. Angel stood behind her had held her arms in a tight grip behind her back. He spoke to her in a low voice:
- It's alright Buffy...Take it easy...It's not Willow's fault...You know that... Willow got up. Her whole body was shaking... She stood before her former friend, and she whispered as she spoke;
- I promise you, Buffy...I'll try my best.

Buffy's expression changed. And suddenly the tears started to flow. She turned and hid her face through Angel's chest. her whole body was shaking by the heavy emotions.
Willow could hear her cries while she ran out of the kitchen and reached the front door;
- I don't want to be alone! Angel, I don't wanna be left alone!

Willow stayed out in the garden for hours...Tried to figure out, what to do. Buffy scared her...deadly.
But she couldn't judge her for her attack.Willow felt guilt...And regret.
Consequences...There was always Consequences...
And maybe, after all, she meant more to the slayer, than the slayer did to her.
She could understand what Angel meant by the gang being Buffy's link to a normal, ordinary life. And now she could see herself what the loss of them had done to her...it wasn't pretty...not at all.
It was dark, and it was painful and loaded with insanity.

When she went back inside she found no one in the kitchen...She assumed that Angel had made Buffy rest. And both of them needed that, so she stayed in the kitchen with her lap top...Trying to do some research...God, it had been a long time since the last time she searched on the word "vampire". But she still knew where to look for it...Strange how her brain seemed to be uncapable of forgetting anything from those days.
Her reflection on the screen was older. Her eyes wiser. But inside she felt like she was eighteen again. Or like she had never left...Like she just continued a task she started on...twenty five years ago.

In the afternoon she took Buffy's car keys from a hock on the kitchen wall and borrowed her car. Humans needed food. And there was nothing in her fridge except blood, and some old milk who didn't smell too good. When she returned with her arms full of groceries, it had the sun was gone.
And darkness lurked in the shadows.

In the hall she heard voices from Spike's room. The door was open, so she looked inside.
Buffy was there with him. Her robe was gone, so she was completely naked.
Fascinated Willow kept staring...What were they up too? They couldn't possibly...In his condition.

- Turn around, Pet! Let me look at you!
Buffy slowly turned around...
Spike had his human face now, he reached out a hand and touched Buffy's back;
- You're so thin...If I didn't know better I'd take you for being a young boy...
Buffy leaned over and kissed him, she didn't seem to care about the fluid that covered his body.
- Is there anything I can do for you?
She asked, with her sweet voice.
He grinned,
- Yes, you can be a good slayer and climb on top of me.

Buffy removed the sheet covering him, and Willow could, to her big surprise, see that There was nothing wrong with the poor vamp's male parts. She didn't want to see, but was afraid that they would hear her if she moved. So she stood frozen on the spot. Her eyes never left the slayer as she climbed up in the bed, and started to touch his chest while she slowly sank herself down on his... Willow closed her eyes.

Again a tap on her shoulder made her turn around. Angels eyes glowed in the dark. His hands slowly removed the bags from hers, and silent he put them down on the floor.
Willow looked at the couple in the room again. Buffy moved on top of Spike while she moaned and whispered his name.
His hands held her hips, and his face showed a mixture of passion and pain...
- You're hurting me baby!
- Isn't that what you want?...I know you love it...
He moaned and tried to move with her, despite his weakness.
- You're a very naughty slayer!
His one hand moved from her hip to slap her face...Once...Twice.
- Tell me to...
He whispered.

- Hit me Spike!
The slayer moaned. She leaned forward so he could reach her bottom with his hand, while she still moved.
When his palm reached her skin the first time, Willow felt Angel's arms slide around her waist.
- God, I am an old woman!
She thought, but she didn't remove his hands.
The evening was so strange. And the scene in front of her so unbelievable...And she could still smell the flower's scent from outside.
She felt Angels lips on her neck. And his hardness against her back. She felt dizzy and had to lean on him not to fall.
Spike and Buffy's little love scene hadn't left her unaffected... Her heart beat fast, and her breath was heavy.

Angel's tongue reached her collarbone.
And his fingers slipped under her skirt and found the wetness between her legs.
Struggling to both keep quiet, and stand on her feet while the beautiful male behind her played with her, Willow watched as the slayers butt turned pink and then red while she obviously enjoyed the whole session.
Angel's other hand found its way under her bra, and started to caress one of her breast.
When Buffy came on top of Spike. Willow came on Angels hand.
And when she did, she closed her eyes...And saw green smoke fill the room...It concentrated on Spike in the bed. It was like it tried to come into his body.
Through his nose, his mouth, the pores in his skin...Even through his fingernails.
And she got this feeling...A feeling she used to know.
- Oh God!
She whispered.
- I know what this is...It's a spell. Someone has put a curse on him.




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