A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar (10/25/03)
So here I sit at this fucking computer, tired as hell but
not wanting to sleep, starving but not wanting to eat, with
paint on my fingers, listening to Dashboard Confessional,
to Hands Down, one of the most depressing songs that I have
ever heard, wanting him to come on, waiting for him to come
on.
We haven't really talked in a while, and what I mean by
talked I mean REALLY talked, about real things not just how
each other are bored and have no social lives. I think I'm
turning into some "emo"... person. All I listen to is music
that is going to affect me emotionally one way or another.
Its never for fun anymore. I listen to remember the
feelings inside that... that I don't know. You know I
started this entry with the ententions of typing out my
song and look where that got me. Nowhere. I guess I should
just type it out then before I get anymore offtrack.
I remember when I wrote the original "Leave Me Alone"... On
the bus going to Philedelphia or New York... one of them,
on the bus just after Alex asked Vicky out. I remember that
Amanda practically went into cardiac arrest and how she
leaned her head agaisnt the seat in front of her and cried.
At first she wouldn't tell me why she was upset (this was
before I found out that he had asked her out). Then I found
out for myself, I don't remember how but I did. It's all
coming back to me now. The real reason why I wrote that
stupid song... my first stupid song. I remember how pissed
off I was at him for asking that whore out. I completely
gave up on him from that moment on, or at least for a
while... okay so maybe just until the end of the trip which
would mean a couple days but so what! The point is he
wasted my time and hurt Amanda. He made her cry and made me
think I had a chance. Made me think that he liked me. He
lead me on. He lead me on to the point that even Elizabeth
and Kristen thought that he liked me but their idiots so
why would I believe them. I guess I was just looking for an
excuse. I sat there on the bus next to Amanda and whipped
out that song in five or ten minutes. I remember that at
the time I timed myself but I don't remember how long it
took exactley. I think around seven or eight minutes but
does that matter? No. All that matters is that fact that I
wrote a song. Little ol' in sensitive, unfeeling,
emotionally stable hater of accessive emotional letting
wrote a fucking song. It was a stupid song but a song at
that and it made Amanda feel better. Hell, it made me feel
better. I remember Amanda even started singing it and
hummed it once while sitting next to those idiot girls and
they liked it. I guess I should take offence concidering
the shit music that they listen to but I have to admit, it
was kind of an up-beat song. Kind of shity-pop-punky. It
sounded like a song that Jossey and the Pussycats would
sing. I didn't mean for it to come out that way but it did
and there is nothing I can do about it. Or is there? The
other night I found an old religion notebook from Mr.
Perez's class first semester freshman year. When I opened
it, I found a bunch of really badly drawn cartoon-like-
things and a couple of wannabe drawings that looked like I
was trying way to hard at it. Like I wasn't feeling my way
through it and like I was thinking my way and artist-block.
I remember that I wanted to make something dark and deep
but I didn't know how. I didn't have any reason to. No
motivation. I was trying to find myself artistically and
and getting lost on the way. Very lost. As I looked at
these horrible, little, unfinished drawings I came to the
realization that I was seriously lacking something. I
lacked one essential element to being the artist, the
person, I wanted to be. That element was inspiration. I had
nothing to inpsire me. No muse. Nothing to make me feel
something other than confusion mixed up in all the nothing
that was inside. Or maybe I had to ability to be inspired
and I knew what one would come to inspire me but it was
buried so deep inside myself that I couldn't dig deep
enough to find it. Not anymore.
I have found inspiration and I never imagined that it would
be like this. I mean, I guess I could have guessed what
would inspire me but I tried not to think about that. Love
is everyone's inspiration and I wanted to be different. I
remember how every single fucking time I would write in my
other diary it would be about one of two things: some guy
that I liked or a list of some sort. I had lists of goals,
some of which I am embarresed and ashamed to even think
about and other lists consisted of things that I was
interested at that particular period in time. I hate that
thing. I should burn it but everytime I get close to
desposing of it I stop myself and tell myself that I am
going to regret it so I put it back down and hide it where
no one will find it... or I just throw it in a box with the
rest of my note books and crap. Wait, what was my point?
Damn I hate when I do this. Oh yes, my new inspiration, the
inspiration that makes me write songs and paint again
(finally, it's been years!), makes me listen to music that
often tends to tear me up a bit and makes me think about my
feelings. What the fuck is up with that? Thinking about my
feelings? What shit is that? I shouldn't say that because I
know they're not shit. I am finally coming to realize my
emotions and not deny them. It's hard but it's something
that I feel I need to do.
So anyway, wasn't this entry supposed to be about my new
song? Yes. Okay. I wrote this song, anyway, the other when
I found that notebook because in that notebook I found the
first verse, bridge and chorus to "Leave Me Alone". I re-
read it and laughed, something that doesn't surpirse me but
then I got to thinking. The ideas behind some of these
lyrics I think have some potential. What if re-write this
song? So I did, but it's not a total re-write. In fact it's
not a re-write at all because the concept is completely
diffrent. "Leave Me Alone" was about wanting to be left
alone by the one that you thought you loved because all
they do is give you pain. This song, which has no title
(hence the title of this entry), is more about... well, I
think it's will be apparent once I type it all out.
When he looks at me with those dark eyes,
I somehow loose control of what was once stable.
So I give into all these feeling that are bleeding to get
out.
How is it that you have this power over me?
Just look away.
I don't want to see those hypnotizing stares (but I do).
They just force me to admit my bloody feelings exist.
Sometimes I'm reminded of those eyes and the hidden
feelings surface and I tear.
How is it that you have the power over me?
Just forget him.
Don't look,
Don't think,
Don't breathe,
Just feel your way through the blood.
Don't be afraid,
Don't hold back,
Don't fear,
Just cry your way though the blood.
No...
When he calls forth my tears with his words,
My heart pounds me inside screaming to break free.
So I try to beat the heart back down and smother the
screaming into silence.
How is it that you have this power over me?
Just cover your ears.
I don't want to hear these hypnotizing words (but I do).
They just make my eyes burn with agony.
I hold back these acid tears.
If I let go I'll never stop.
How is it that you have this power over me?
Just hold on.
Don't listen,
Don't think,
Don't breath,
Just feel your way through the blood.
Don't be afraid,
Don't hold back,
Don't fear,
Just cry your way through the blood.
Let go and end the flow,
Stop the pounding,
Kill the screaming,
Feel the silence and freedom again.
Let go.
Let go.
Cry.
Alright...
And that't it. I'm not sure about a few things in hear but
I have to keep tellings myself that you aren't supposed to
think your way through music, or art, or really anything
else that conveys emotion for that matter and that you have
to feel. Um, that must be obvious from this song, which
means it's probably obvious why I don't want to feel. Or
maybe it isn't. Is it? I don't know. I wish I could ask
someone what they though of this but there are only two
people I would EVER concider showing something like this
to. Jackie, but I'm not ready to show this to her, and
Zack, and HELL NO. Like I would show Zack a song that he
inspired me to write that practically had "I love you,"
written all over it.
This is a really weird place to stop this entry but I am,
once again, at a lose of words. I think that I will go eat
something maybe, plus I need to clean up all my art shit
that is not spread out all over the place. Maybe listen to
some Dashboard or Radiohead or The Used, get depressed and
go to bed. Sounds like a party to me.
