Dreams of the sky fill my head -
thoughts of the Gods, their beautiful concept of life untold.
~Emma Rosetta, 2004~
*****
All that feels is not in vain
That which stings leaves there a stain
Whisper of invisible disquiet
Leaks to where they peek at pain
Of myself only shall it reign.
La la la la la, la la la.
What is it about life that makes me love it.
The feelings, the thoughts and nought but that.
The selfishness, the clout, the..... absence of substance. To feel is to hate.
"Pain is too good for him" - Anonymous.
~ For Bel, and all those who ever found false hope in a loser.
~12/03/05~
*****
I take comfort in my own mind,
Yet here is where I sharpen my blades of self-loathing.
I live only in this life,
Yet here is where death shall crawl savagely into view.
I love only one thing,
Yet there is where all the pain that ever was swoops down on me.
~26/02/05~
*****
If all my feelings were gone, can I then sleep freely? Go one day without choking in fear? It never gets better. Ignorance is not bliss – knowledge is merely confirmation. I want to cut off my hands and let all the blood drain from my body, from around my heart. I want it to flow until I can’t feel the pain that pumps through my heart as forcefully and truly as my own blood. This will never go away. I hate that I’m wrecked. Ruined. Faithless. I live to get it back but once exposed to the devil, can one ever forget the devil’s face? Time cannot erase the cruel red eyes, the cold sneering mouth, the devastating breath of betrayal.
~26/02/05~
*****
The candle burns
Time dissolves
Clouds gather
Twin resolves
The angle of the light
That fills every breath of space
Is nothing but a back drop
~18/12/04~
*****
Do you want me to tell you something subversive? Love is all it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if don't risk anything, you risk even more.
~Erica Jong~
I thought it was high time I put something that is true and non-cryptic and devoid of all bleakness.
*****
Fuck this aching time less spent
Selling me off, cent by cent
Distorting what was really meant
Hot air coursing through this vent
Burning the core that once was lent
Slowly getting chipped and bent
Robbing me blind, yet paying my rent
Innocent love seeped in clever torment
Gleeful ghouls hold what they invent
Dumped upon thee, crushed cement
An audience to this lonely event
Lucid fear that shall never relent
More than happy to represent
The wolf that won’t dismiss my scent
Like all ungrateful to be content
Leave the fire with blurred intent
Whispered rhymes so fraudulent
A crumpled figure denied repent
Scarred emotions, this way they went.
Electricity crackles about my sharpened nerves,
Bouncing realizations off the universal cave
Shadows draped in brittle web chance forward –
Ghosts who teach me, past voices love evermore
Behind the curtains of secretive eyes
Glances of soul flicker inside a heartbeat, linger not
Peering, searching, observing, always
Looking to the majestic, infinite sky
Nothing averts the heaven to float and stargaze
Drops of the ocean prickle, a lone tear ventures forth
Glides down rhythmic flesh, sparking a human eclipse
And there runs its course, merging with my lips
From hence these soft towers flow an ethereal river,
Tumbling and falling through hidden cracks in the universe.
~Emma Rosetta, 16/11/04~
*****
Our doubts are traitors
and make us lose the good.
~William Shakespeare~
*****
How very ironic that the two current ads on my web page are for battling procrastination and for seeking psychological help.
:/
I think the internet gods are trying to tell me something.
*****
I wish to take you apart
To see what’s on the inside
I want to peel back your skin
And see something unknown
I only wait to ask the same
I wish to beat this sad cloud
To ask why I crawl, senseless
I want to collapse at your feet
And cry for the past
Nothing will cease to muse
I wish to be something else
To escape my tired ways
I want to choke at the future
And bow my head to the ground
Tearing through icy flames, hateful games
All this I see
Nothing to do
Just can’t forget
…I fucking miss you
~Em 15/11/04~
*****
Slave, slave, go away
Leave me wander in my maze
I wish I may, I wish I might
Laugh at this once happy fight
~Emma~
*****
Trick the powers that never decide
Whether they want me to fight or hide
Carve the scenery onto my eye
Dismiss my pleasure as cyanide
They come and go
They like to tease me
Feel me
Devour me
Hold me
Steal me
~E.R 15/11/04~
*****
Confession: I hate what I write.
But it makes me feel better. It's like momentraily relieving my mind from the mayhem that goes on in there.
See, now I feel bad for saying I hate what I write. I'm just a crappy contradiction.
(And I like aliteration)
*****
Today I learned what the most selfish train of thought is. I was walking along and thought to myself that my toe really hurts. That is ridiculous.
Firstly, I am me, I can feel all of me and this little pain should not need a mental notification. But it wasn't informing me, it was just 'there'. I wasn't going to do anything about it. It was just a simple thought, I felt a bit strange about thinking such a thing. What a waste of neurons.
I know that it really doesn't matter that my toe hurts, the pain didn't actually bother me. So why did I think it? Lack of better material? I think not.
Maybe this is my mind's way of telling me that it needs time out every now and then just thinking about mundane crap like that.
What is wrong with me? I know that this topic should not have even occurred to me. And yet, here I am. I can't even express myself about this adequately, and that bothers me even more. And yet I am such that nothing ever TRULY bothers me.
Maybe I'm just filling in space in my brain. Maybe it's a coping mechanism for something else. Maybe it really doesn't matter.
......maybe I should get out more.
Nah, fuck that.
*****
'The Plight'
Trees bend forward and drench me with ice
I gasp and shudder, yet know it feels right
Flesh opens on brambles and blood spills forth
Then the path twists deeper, so dark with remorse
Stones fly up and catch me square in the eye
Sallow clouds sneer, they drift far too high
My teeth grind cruelly and I clench my jaded fist
The pain a strange comrade, my lone evil bliss
The earth sways and dense air grows cold,
I pray to arrive before goes there my soul
But darkness crashes down and rips me bare
It scorches my eyes and my long, wild hair
I scream for relief, for the sky to clear
But no one comes, for they cannot hear
My mind is set and my will shakes free
Then my thoughts burn scarlet, for all to see.
~Emma Rosetta, 22/10/04~
Looking into my eyes, even I myself feel like an intruder.
*****
He who wanders... is not lost.
~ JRR Tolkien ~
*****
Common Sense
They hear laughter
They see light
They feel hope
They taste sweetness
They smell life
My Sense
I hear screaming
I see darkness
I feel emptiness
I taste bitterness
I smell death
~ Emma B/R, 1999 ~
I chanced upon a piece of paper scrunched up in the back of a drawer in my bedroom, on which was written this poem. It was very sobering to read, to remember how it felt to be so utterly despairing.
I can clearly recall the day I wrote it - I was 14 years old, at school, sitting in Science class.
It feels like a lifetime ago...
I was a cheery little bugger, eh? :)
*****
Hmmm, I’m in the mood for a mass dedication. This masterpiece goes out to... Oh, you know who you are, you miserable fuckers.
Look... you’ve stumbled upon a beautiful house!
Struggle through the twisted garden and step inside.
Oh such beauty and intensity you’ve never seen.
Do you like it?
Yes... you love it don’t you?
Yet you are blind, stupid.
At first you wander through this house, with nothing but joy in your filthy little heart.
It’s all your dreams come true.
You are over-come, intoxicated.
Sometimes you think it’s just a little too good.
And do you know what?
You’re right.
You’re absolutely correct.
The house has grown tired of you,
You have out-stayed your welcome.
Get the fuck out.
Don't dare look back.
There is only one key,
And it is locked inside another fortress.
...
I have naught but contempt for you.
Life’s a bitch huh?
lol…Ok, you got me. I’m in a SLIGHTLY FOUL MOOD this evening.
*****
The hands of my monster grip your neck
I watch and cringe; wish and smile,
Feel sick to my stomach being a witness
As they fling you wide and fling you high.
I merge in and out, seeing it all
Listening hard for an unusual cry
Exhausted, we can do naught but look,
Shuddering and dreaming - side by side.
Then I laugh at the ironic punch line -
Joy is for another grim soul to decide.
I look at you and I see human beauty
You look at me and it makes our hearts cry.
~ Emma R, 30/04/04 ~
If you know anything of me at all... you should know that it was never my wish to hurt you.
*****
Delicate strands of web cling to my fingertips
I stare beyond what I think, what I know.
A life being led as a brilliant prelude to unknown shadows.
I am being built with the blessing of a mysterious universe,
The workings of which inspire treachery and graciousness;
Engineered stars gleam perfectly about my head.
I just want the sun to shine again.
~ Emma Rosetta, 25/04/04 ~
*****
Your Passion is Black!
Passionate? Sure. Twisted? Absolutely.
You're seriously into a rush of emotions...
But often times it's mixed with a rush of pain.
You're all about the dark side of love, life, and lust.
hmmmm.......
*****
Struck a chord... strangely enough.
*****
The flush of something ultimately sweet... the minor chords of the underlying tragedy... ~P.D.M 22/04/2004~
Bitter-sweet irony: oh how you love me, and how I adore you.
*****
I look down the tunnel,
I look deep and I see light
Beautiful carvings on the walls,
Telling a tale of humble might.
They weigh the density of souls,
Capture a timeless, exalted parade,
They make it possible to kiss the stars
And show me the brilliance of each day.
They tell truths and give warnings
Of that which I should not forget.
Obliged by the debt of my being,
I learn the only real devil, is regret.
~ Emma Rosetta, 15/04/04 ~
*****
The Stairway to Heaven is... a Jimmy Page guitar solo.
*****
Gangrene of the heart,
My pulse won’t start,
You stare at me through the dark,
I hate pulling you apart,
I’m sorry – I know the pain is sharp,
Your heart the quarry, mine the dart
I pray I don’t leave a mark,
Please realise I’m nothing, be smart
The truth is brutal and stark,
Of me, you can’t be a part
Life is but a gallery of sad art.
*****
Your kisses are like well-placed poison. Your fingertips trace humanity over my face. Mechanical, yet so tender.
I feel like bleeding everywhere.
*****
Put your Ear to the Wind:
What makes me want only you, evermore?
What can I say in my heart’s defence?
What do I do with emotion so raw?
What can explain desire so intense?
Can you take me by the hand?
Can you tell me it’s ok?
Can you hold me so I can stand?
Can you come along when I don’t obey?
When can I venture outside this cage?
When will you realise it’ll always be you?
When may your touch soften my rage?
When can I feel hope for what might ensue?
How is it that I can’t see past you?
How can no one else glimpse my heart?
How do I capture you out of the blue?
How, with you, did my soul depart?
Why do I hold you so divinely?
Why do I so relentlessly pursue?
Why is it that you have all of me?
Why would I die, if it meant being with you?
~Emma Rosetta, 2004~
*****
There's so much in this world that is inverted - people, popular concepts, the very way we all go about living our little lives. How can we even presume to think we matter when we are very well aware that there have been so many lives before us - and yet that should give us reason to think we are something to realise such a thing.
The people who came before us - just as insignificant as we are and yet we compare, look back, but not enough.
Like life, there is so much to learn, so many skills to acquire - brillant things we don't understand and maybe don't even want to because we're so comfortable in our own ignorance.
Human nature, it's so completely bizarre. To become the people we want to become - all it takes is a little effort but it is unreachable for most of us. What is it? Are we scared? Maybe we want to keep on dreaming, hoping because if we reach utopia, happiness, bliss, nirvana... then what? We sit around and ponder, think about all those other poor souls who are still struggling, hoping... living.
To have everything in life - is not to be happy, to be complete because that is not the nature of our existence. Obviously, it is not the nature of our existence. And yet we plough on, blind.
Events, things happen - they seem huge yet they are mere flecks in the universe because they do not change anything. We are who we are. What we need is a tidal wave, and yet what would that entail, exactly? Surely no human is capable of such a thing. And there we are back at square one - the ineptitude of humans, yet that is our nature so why must it be a bad thing? How can I love it and hate it so completely, at the same time. To hinder ourselves, hinder others, cause pain, cause our own pain and yet still yearn for the parts in life - the elusive parts - that will make us happy.
But what can we do? I feel as though I'm pressed against a ceiling - wanting to break through - I can see shadows on the other side, I know there's more than this. I know we have so much potential and yet, sadly, I'm aware of the limitations of being human and what this means for me.
The mind is unstoppable - it can achieve so much if we let it, but that would go against our nature. It's sad, beautiful - it is life, it is who we are and for all our faults, everything in history, everything that is yet to be, this existence is perfect. I wish I could experience everything - everything everyone has ever done, thought, felt - for it is all beautiful.
~E.R, 2004~
*****
I find this to be about the most amusing thing I've ever seen.
Just look at it!?!!!
*****
Incessant workings of my petulant mind
Cloud the vision that is emerging life,
Tear rampantly at my unguarded senses,
Carving up my heart with a custom-made knife.
The intensity of every molecule,
The weight of countless souls before,
Beyond reach yet within comprehension;
Echoes of thoughts that are no more.
Peace is elusive, silence a blessing,
Clarity of being only comes in the night.
Savage emotion, then none at all
Apathy snatching me from the pain of foresight.
~Emma Rosetta, 2003~
*****
If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me.
Thanks to you it will be done, for you to me are the only one.
~'Thank You', Led Zeppelin (Robert Plant and Jimmy Page)~
*****
Life is amazing - the beauty, the pain, all the taunting contradictions. In this universe we are insignificant and yet we hold our own interests in such high regard. Does this give our lives significance? No, I don't think so.
Meaning? Perhaps.
~E.R~
*****
A lone star in the infinite sky
Winks at me in goodwill.
Peace flows through my veins,
Nothing but a dark ocean, and time to kill.
The world I see around me is perfect,
For everything it is, all it has been.
The wonder that is a relentless quest,
Wretchedness pursuing beautiful dreams.
Countless souls created for empathy
Yet spiralling randomly, living apart.
The life of truth that is yet to be realised -
A divine existence waiting to start.
The answer lies not in vile humanity –
Spiteful religion, status and greed,
Truth reverberates around us,
Waiting to be found, longing to be freed.
...
Look deeper - search beyond the false limits that have been imposed upon you by those who are afraid to see you do so.
~Emma Rosetta, 2003~
*****
The universe only exists because you are in it.
~E.R~
*****
Typical characteristics of a sightless marauder –
Everything perceived on a singular plane,
A one-way street of selfishness, happiness
And blissful ignorance.
Torrents of hatred, frustration and spite,
Disgust, wonder, dismay;
Directed at a faceless hoard of pillagers
Yet falls like silent, furious waves
On the side of a great indifferent cliff.
Their eyes stop dead at mine.
They do not see past me,
They shan’t peer inside.
~Emma Rosetta, 2004~
*****
...because I couldn't have said it better myself :)
*****
Uh oh... :)
What is the fundamental use of language? To communicate? To be able to hear your own thoughts? True thought transcends language - it is pure energy - light, truth. They are revelations that reverberate around my head - contained by my skull yet roaming, echoing throughout not just the physical universe but condenses with thoughtful energy of those whose lives have passed and even those who are yet to come. They intertwine with the energies of light, nothingness, nature, emotion and the infinite recesses of the human mind.
But is it merely a mind? Does calling it a human mind do it justice? Perhaps it is more, perhaps it is a realm of the universe, accessible only through that which we call our "minds" and "thoughts". Are we in control? To a certian extent, maybe, but the way we think and react is a product of the way we are, the way our "mind" is, so are our actions, thoughts and even emotions all pre-determined? But by whom, or what? Perhaps it is randomness. Beautiful, intricate randomness.
That which I think, experience, feel - am I seeing truth? And, if I am, is it a product of my own exploration or, is it being revealed to me by a force which is beyond my own understanding? Either are quite appealing. Perhaps a combination of both.
Or, perhaps, this is the descent into insanity. I don't think so. But if it is, this isn't so bad - my mind is occupied, and shall continue to be so because there are infinite wonderful, scary thoughts to be had. I want to have them all, yet I never want this quest to end.
I love life. This is brilliant.
~Emma Rosetta - 1.33pm, 01/03/04~
*****
I walk along with my head down,
Wishing no one could see me.
There are stars where my mind is,
A brilliant sky stretching over the sea.
An ethereal moon floats in the heavens;
All is silent, beautiful and dark.
You are there; you are always there -
Above it all, beyond the stars.
~E.R, 2004~
*****
Don't trust life - it hates you. ~T.F, 2004~
A bad day. And all my fault. That's what makes it so deplorable.
I wish I at least knew why I am this way. It can't be because I enjoy hurting decent people because there isn't much else I'd rather NOT do. I can handle causing pain for myself. But not to others, not to him. He doesn't deserve this. I wish I could make things better.
I wish I could rewrite his history, without me in it.
*****
Anger:
Breath seethes through my clenched jaw,
Blood pounding savagely in my ears,
Heart thudding violently,
All trace of reason disappears.
Blind fury hurtles through my body
Like a lethal, speeding train.
Nothing exists but dark recklessness -
The need to cause some pain.
Sorrow:
Nothing seems to give me hope,
I yearn to melt into the night,
The pain that stings my aching heart
Tempts me to give up the perpetual fight.
My eyes don’t want to be looked inside,
My mind knows only to be alone.
My heart struggles to stay alive,
Wishing to be saved rather than turn to stone.
Jealousy:
I can see her eyes looking at you,
I can feel her fingertips on your face,
Cruel taunts tear at my heart,
Baseless images my mind can’t erase.
Your brilliance is too good for anyone else
Does she know her fortune of being with you?
I want to scream into her ignorant face.
That no one will love you like I do.
Love:
(because love knows no boundaries, even poetic ones)
Love effortlessly diminishes all pain, sorrow and hatred. Divine and beautiful, love sheds a blinding light on flailing darkness.
*****
La vita è dolore bello. L'amore è una versione della verità. Tu sei il mondo ... e io sono esaurita.
*****
Faraway there is a precious jewel, Hidden at the bottom of a murky pool. Clumsy hands search, fumble around But by untrue hearts it won't be found.
Too many hunters make the water swirl, Impatiently wanting the mud to unfurl;
But the jewel remains very much alone, Choking on the grime that is its home.
~Emma, 29/02/04~ Dedicated to the melancholy, wise and elusive beauty that is life. Real life.
*****
Your hand leads me to the heavens, Your heart makes mine quake, Your words recreate my thoughts, Your breath sweetens all that is bitter in me.
