Misplaced Deity sought by Christians.....!

So, I'm standing at a bus stop and they pull up. A car load of well meaning, bible thumping nut cases that are just frantic! The middle aged professionally dressed woman rushes forward...She takes my arm and with trembling voices she asks...."Have you found Jesus?" Her eyes plead with an urgency that is out of proportion to a bus stop.

Now normally I just politely decline the sermon, and free religious paperwork that such folk pawn off on unsuspecting by-standers. But, unfortunately for her, she is the forth car to accost me in the last 9
minutes. So by now I'm beginning to wonder what the heck is wrong with these people. I mean if its not Christians it is the Jehovah's Witnesses. Can a simple Druid get no peace?

So calmly as I can muster, without being sarcastic I reply, "You people lost him, again??"

The woman looks confused. This is not the response she was hoping for and she needs to regroup. She takes a deep breath intending to launch into her sales pitch for her God, and church, paying no heed to the concept that I might not be into being converted. I decide to not let her get going so I launch into a speech of my own...

"What is wrong with you Christians? Every time I turn around you've lost Him!" I hit her with a glare of accusation. "I mean really..." I take a measured breath. "How do you expect to have anyone follow a deity that you can't even find!"

The poor woman looks stunned. This isn't going so good. Panicked she looks desperately to the car... Surely one of the men can help.... Undaunted I press on... "Maybe the problem is with you people... I mean Muslims never seem to loose there deity. Come to think of it neither do Jews, or Pagans of any kind."

I look at the man getting out of the car. He's all smiles. "I realize you people used to burn people like me at the stake...What was that about... deity even? I may be a Pagan-heathen, but I have never ever woke up panicked that I couldn't find my Goddess or God. They are always right where they should be... In the fire of my candle, in the air that I breath, in the earth that I stand on, in the water of my spring. I never feel abandoned by my deity(ies)."

"Of course, you Christians aren't much fun..." I continue. By now they are all out of the car. Befuddled, aghast, and at a loss for words. "Of course," I offer trying to give them some defense for losing Jesus. "He could have left due to religious differences. If I remember correctly He was Jewish. So if you are really so eager to find him..." I smile gently to soften the blow. "Check the nearest synagogue. He's probably in there. Also you folks should try and remember that this is America...
Where freedom of religion means ALL religions."

Slowly they climb back into their car and drive away. I stand at the bus stop... No pamphlets, no bible, no dogma. I haven't found Jesus, but I haven't lost him either

You might be a Redneck Pagan if...

If you think "widdershins" refers to the calves of the bereaved lady next door....
If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg....
If you think a goblet is a young turkey....
If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse....
If you call your coven mates "Bud" and "Sis"....
If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13....
If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene....
If you pronounce "Athame" as "Athaym" and "Samhain" as "Sammon" or "Sam-hayn"....
If you think a "Sidhe" is a girl....
If your idea of the "Goddess" is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team....
If your Bard plays the banjo....
If your 'Long Lost Friend really IS....
If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars....
If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod....
If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head....
If you call the Quarters by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"....
If you call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all, watch me!"....
If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the back....
If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed whacker....
If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun....
If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots....
If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff....
If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21....
If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words "After you turn off the paved road"....
If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag....
If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle....
If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still....
If you use an engine block for an altar....
If your High Priestess is your cousin - as well as your wife....
If, when drawing down the moon, you say, "Ya'll come on down, ya hear?"....
If your pickup truck has an Athame rack....
If your crystal ball is made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)....
If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar....

You might be a Redneck Pagan!

Redneck Astrological Signs

Okra December 22 - January 20 - Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

Chitlin January 21 - February 19 - Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

Boll Weevil February 20 - March 20 -You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

Moon Pie March 21 - April 20 - You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

Possum April 21 - May 21 - When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't-bother-me-about-it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

Crawfish May 22 - June 21 - Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically.

Collards June 22 - July 23 - Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

Catfish July 24 - August 23 - Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

Grits August 24 - September 23  - Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

Boiled Peanuts September 24 - October 23 - You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

Butter Bean October 24 - November 22 -  Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

Armadillo November 23 - December 21 - You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you, Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another mating possibility.

Top Ten Signs You're a Fundamentalist Christian


10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.

A letter from a 3rd grade teacher sent home to pagan parents

Dear Mr. and Mrs.______

I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way,
however, although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.

Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her that her Art Class is in an hour and to please refrain from doing any drawing until then. And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawling little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosey! By the way, what does the term "skyclad" mean?

Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waving it in front of me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the Circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an "athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home.

As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.

One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor.

One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated it was "Do As you will, but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I try correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.

In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.

With Deep Concerns,


Mrs. ___________

You Might be Giving Pagans a Bad Name if...

You insist that your boss call you "Rowan Starchild" because otherwise you'd sue for religious harassment.
(Score double for this if you don't let that patronizing bastard call you "Mr. or Ms. Starchild.")

You've ever confused the Prime Directive with the Wiccan Rede.

You've ever cast a spell with twenty-sided dice.

You said it was bigotry when they didn't let you do that ritual in front of city hall. It had nothing to do with the skyclad bit.

You picketed The Craft & Hocus Pocus, but thought that the losers who picketed The Last Temptation of Christ needed to get lives.

You've ever publicly claimed to be an elf, alien, vampire, faerie, or demigod & been genuinely surprised when not everyone took you seriously.

You've ever publicly claimed to be the reincarnation of Gardner, Merlin, Aleister Crowley, King Arthur, Cleopatra, Morgana Le Fay, or Jim Henson & been genuinely surprised when not everyone took you seriously.

You've suddenly realized in the middle of a ritual that you weren't playing D&D.

You've failed to realize at any point in the ritual that you weren't playing D&D.

You've suddenly realized that you are playing D&D.

Your Book of Shadows is a rulebook for Vampire: The Masquerade with notes in the margins.

You've ever effected an Irish or Scottish accent & insisted that it was real.

You talk to your invisible guardians in public. (Score double if you save places for them in crowded restaurants) (Score triple if you admit to having sex with them)

You've ever claimed to have met the Vampire Lestat or Dracula. (Score double if you got into a fight & escaped) (Score triple if it was no contest)

You own a ceremonial bong.

You've ever tried something you saw on Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

You've ever had to go along with someone's ludicrous story because it was twice as likely to be truer than most of the crap you spout.

You expect your employer to exempt you from the random drug testing because of your religion.

You've won an argument by referencing Drawing Down the Moon, knowing damn good & well they haven't read it either.

You've ever referenced the Great Rite in a pick-up line.

Someone has had to point out to you that you do not enter a circle "in perfect love & perfect lust."  (Score double if you argued the point.)

You claim to be a famtrad (hereditary), but you're not. (Score double if you had to tell people you were adopted to pull this off.)

You claim to be a descendant of one of the original Salem Witches. (Score to a lethal degree if you don't get this one.)

Someone once lost their boat delivering your ritual incense from Mexico.

You've ever used tongue delivering the fivefold kiss. (Score double if you did it more than once.)

You've ever used reincarnation as the intro for a pick up line. (You may deduct this point if it worked.)

You think it's perfectly reasonable to insist that, since every tradition is different & no one tradition is right, there's no reason not to do things your way.

You request Samhain, Beltaine & Yule off & then bitch about working Christmas.

The thing that drew you to the Craft was the potential to dance with naked members of the opposite sex.

You strip in a club like the one in Porky's under your craft name & consider it highly appropriate.

You've ever been psychically attacked by someone who conveniently held a coven position you crave & suddenly had a glimpse into their mind so you could see how evil they were.

You've ever achieved position or influence in a coven by sleeping with half of it.

You claim yourself as a witch because how early you were trained by the wise & powerful such-&-such. Of whom nobody has heard.

You complain about how much the Native Americans copied from Eclectic Wiccan Rites.

You're not a hereditary witch but you have a good disposition to it because your ancestors (the ones before your German parents) were Native American or Irish.

You don't know the difference between Irish & Scottish & you alternately claim to be both.

You think it's your Pagan Duty to support the IRA, not because of any political beliefs you might share, but because, damn it, they're IRISH.

You think the number of Wiccan books you own is far more important than the number you have read, regardless of the fact that most of your books are for beginners.

You hang out with people who each match at least fifteen of these traits.

You recognize many of these traits in yourself, but this test isn't about you. But, boy, it's right about those other folks.

God's Word?

Dr Laura Schlessinger, a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show, recently said that homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 , and
cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura, which was posted on the Internet

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that (Leviticus 18:22) clearly states it to be an abomination.

End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in (Exodus 21:7). In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev.15:19-24). The problem is, how do tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. (Lev. 25:44) states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. (Exodus 35:2) clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. (Lev. 21:20) states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle
room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by (Lev.19:27). How should they die?

9. I know from (Lev.11:6-8) that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates (Lev. 19:19) by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan, Jim

Bush is my Shepard

Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.
He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war,
I will find no exit, for thou art in office.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me.
Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion.
Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of thy term,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.

Footprints

I dreamed that I was walking down the beach with the Goddess. And I looked back and saw footprints in the sand.

But sometimes there were two pairs of footprints, and sometimes there was only one. And the times when there was only one pair of footprints, those were my times of greatest trouble.

So I asked the Goddess, "Why, in my greatest need, did you abandon me?"

She replied, "I never left you. Those were the times when we both hopped on one foot." And lo, I was really embarrassed for bothering Her with such a stupid question.

Serenity Prayer

So far today, God/Goddess, I've done all right.

I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, or grumpy, nasty or self centered.

I'm really glad about that.

But in a few minutes, God/Goddess, I'm going to get out of bed, and then I'm going to need a lot of help.

Circle Etiquette

* Never summon Anything you can't banish.
* Never put asafoetida on the rocks in the sweat lodge
* Do not blow your nose on the sleeve of your neighbor's robe during an initiation.
* Do not attempt to walk more than 10 paces while wearing all of your ritual jewelry, dream bags and crystals at the same time.
* When proposing to initiate someone, do not mention the Great Rite, leer, and say, "Hey, your trad or mine?"
* Never laugh at someone skyclad. They can see you, too.
* Never, *ever* set the witch on fire.
* Avoid stenciling True Names on underwear and personal effects
* Looking at nifty pictures is not a valid path to mastering the ancient grimoires. Please read thoroughly and carefully from beginning to end so that your madness and gibberings will make some sense.
* A good grasp of ritual and ritual techniques are essential. In the event of a random impaling (see next rule) or other accidental death amongst the participants a quick thinker can improvise to ensure successful completion.
* Make them another sacrifice. Demons like those.
* Watch where you wave the sharp pointy bits.
* Avoid walking through disembodied spirits.
* Carry an all purpose translators dictionary in case the ritual leader begins talking in some strange and unknown foreign language.
* Avoid joining your life force to anything with glowing red eyes.
* If asked to sign a contract or pact and you are experiencing doubts or reservations, sign your neighbors name. Malevolent entities rarely check for proper spelling.
* Blood IS thicker than water. Soak ritual garments an extra 30-45 minutes.
* While drunken weaving may be mistaken for ecstatic dancing, slurring the names of the Dark Lords is generally considered bad form.
* If the ritual leader should ask for a volunteer, resist the urge to raise your hand. While volunteering will likely gain you stature and prestige amongst the group allowing you to advance quickly through the ranks, it is equally likely to get you strapped to a table and eaten alive by a drooling demonic horde.

Signs You're at a Bad Renaissance Faire

• The castle and village are made entirely of Legos.
• Turkey leg bears striking resemblance to Cocker Spaniel leg.
• Festival activities include "Ye Olde Wet T-Shirt Contest."
• Ye Old Glassblower makes nothing but crack pipes.
• The meade is served in a coconut shell with a Fizzy straw.
• Everyone seems to have attended the Kevin Costner School of British Accents.
• Mosh pit follows the wandering minstrels.
• You get charged 5 bucks to take a leak behind Ye Olde Hedge.
• Guillotine exhibit closed due to pending litigation.
• Friar Tuck's pager keeps going off.
• "Tarry, wench, I prithee! Wouldst thou Macarena?"
• Merlin the Magician's only trick is "Got your nose!"
• Jousting Crips & Bloods

The 13 Commandments

Thou shall not turn thy ex into a frog.
Thou shall not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Thou shall not laugh at nekked snow sprites.
Thou shall not get drunk with thy Goddess's wine.
Thou shall not sacrifice thy little sister.
Thou shall not go running around proclaiming thy witchhood if thy are in times of burning.
Thou shall not question the word of thy High Priestess - She is God.
Thou shall not laugh at being nekked at coven - thou shall be killed.
Thou shall not commit to signing anything that declares any single person as thy lord and savior.
Thou shall not invoke thy Watchtowers only to say "never mind".
Thou shall not burn enough candles to burn thy house down.
Thou shall not have the magickal name "Sir Stinky Fartsalot".
Thou shall not call coven only for laughs

Top 20 Signs a Pagan is Militant  ( The Few, the Proud, the Armed!)

You use a flame-thrower to light the altar candles
Your athame has a bayonet attachment to fit on your M-16
Your robe is made of camouflage material
Your cakes & wine come from MRE's
Your book of shadows contains plans on defusing bombs, poison antidotes and basic survival techniques
Your circle is marked by barbed-wire
You have to take an ATV or HumVee to get to the Covenstead
You use an artillery shell casing for your God symbol
You use a hand grenade for a God symbol (if there isn't an artillery shell available)
You take down a tent to move the Covenstead
Your familiar is an attack-trained Doberman, Rottweiler or German Shepherd
You use a hubcap for a scrying dish
You use teargas to smudge when doing banishings
Your goddess symbol is Tank Girl
Your tradition's 1st degree training includes Ninjitsu or other forms of martial arts
Your circle name is Spike, Slash, Ripcord, Hawkeye, Bubba, or anything that ends with 'ster'
You use machine gun fire to cast your circle
You use a compass for a divination tool
You use a bullet on a string for a pendulum
You call your High Priest "Commander", and your High Priestess "General"

Top 10 Witchy comebacks for any Religious Activist Encounters


10. Sorry i really don't have time... I have to catch a different Plane (think about it if you don't get it right away)

9. Oh the circle on the floor... I play marbles a lot.

8. (why are you wearing black?) I'm really a vampire but i use good sunblock.

7. All the herbs? I'm big on health food.

6. Oh i'm sorry, was i chanting you say? NO no, i was talking to my cat, i keep him in my purse..

5. Is that a lizard tail growing, or are you just happy to see me? (ladies only LOL)

4. You know, I'd love to eat.. err uhh.. i mean MEET your children. *smile*

3. I hear you know of a sale on red and white striped socks?

2. what's the matter? you act like you've never seen a Pentagram on a Witch before.

1. OH oh... are you handing out those firestarter booklets again? can i have one i ran out and my house is really cold?

Top 10 Beltane Pick-up Lines

10. "Hey babe, what's your sign? What's it's ascendant? What is your planet alignment in Venus during Cancer's revolving around the Fourth House?"

9. "Read any good Llewellyn Books lately?"

8. "Would you like to come over to my place and widdershins?"

7. "Your feet must be tired because you've been Spiral Dancing in my mind all night long."

6. "Haven't I seen you someplace before in another life?"

5. "Yes, I'm handfasted, but that's not legal marriage."

4. "So, do you draw down the moon here often?"

3. "What's a nymph-goddess like you doing in a circle like this?"

2. "You have the prettiest third eye I've ever seen."

1. "Is that a Maypole in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Pagan Priestess

As part of an Interfaith community project, A right wing Christian priest, a rabbi, and a Pagan priestess decided that in order to improve relations in the community, they will go on a fishing trip together on a local pond.

They're out in the boat, and the Pagan priestess excuses herself to go to the bathroom back on the shore. She gets out, walks across the water back to shore, and then walks back across the water to the boat.

The Christian priest looks in amazement, crosses himself, and they continue fishing. It comes on about noon time, and the rabbi realizes they left their lunches back on shore. So he gets up, walks across the water to
the shore, retrieves the lunches, and walks back across the water to the boat.

The Christian priest, now completely amazed, and a little bit righteous, thinks, "not to be outdone by two heathens, I can do that too!!" So he gets up, excuses himself to go to the bathroom, takes a step out of the boat and promptly sinks to the bottom.

While he's flailing around in the water, the rabbi looks at the priestess and says, "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?"

The Pagan priestess replies, "What rocks?"

You Know You're a Witch When...

1. Your BOS has spots on the pages from spilled brews.

2. When cleaning house you have to specify. "Where is the broom? No, not the broom, where is the one to clean the floor with?"

3. Candle wax has dripped on your keyboard.

4. There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards than there are cereal boxes.

5. Friends know they can always give you candles and incense as a gift.

6. When watching old re-runs of Bewitched, you find you side with Samantha's mother Endora.

7. When traveling, stranger and stranger strangers tell you their problems.

8. You find yourself making corn dollies in the checkout line at the grocery store (well, I thought about it).

9. You ask for Halloween off, because it's a religious holiday.

10. You start answering the phone with "Merry Meet".

Christian Baby Soup

The Secret Recipe for our famous Kaos Kitchens Kristian Kinderzuppe has been kept secret long enough. The time has come to reveal the secret formula for the soup that Discordians have come to know and love.

Ingredients:

* One Christian child of age 4-6 months, around 15 lbs. Episcopalian when in season.
* 6 large turnips
* 1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese
* The Archbishop of Canterbury
* 2 cans Campbell's Chile Poblano soup
* A 20 lb. sledgehammer
* 8 medium potatoes, sliced
* 1 liter Everclear grain alcohol
* 3 cups bong water
* 10 gallons ice cream (flavor optional)
* 1 chloroform-soaked cloth (optional)
* 1 shotgun

Shackle the child in the basement and force feed it the ice cream over the course of three or four days. Helpful tip: keep the leads on the shackles long and let the child move around a bit. Tougher meat means tastier soup!

When you run out of ice cream, the child is ready for the pot. While the chloroform-soaked cloth is optional, it often helps first-timers with the next step; using the sledgehammer. In any case, it's best to get it over with in one swing, or the screaming gets very irritating.

Bring the bong water and Everclear to a rolling boil and toss in the baby, turnips, potatoes, and chile poblano soup. Allow to simmer while you go out and stalk the Archbishop of Canterbury, waiting for the perfect moment to use the shotgun. When I shoot the Archbishop of Canterbury, I always try to get off a clean, fairly close-range shot. Remember, these are people we're cooking, so we should be humane about it. Just aim right between his eyes and squeeze the trigger slowly.

Once you've shot the Archbishop of Canterbury, take his shoes and discard the rest. Anyone who's ever gotten a bad dish of Archbishop for dinner will understand why. I suppose I could have just asked for his shoes, but I like to make my time in the kitchen an adventure. If it takes you as long to get to the Archbishop as it takes me, by the time you return, the mixture in the pot should have a brownish-green color and a thick, lumpy consistency. Simply add the shoes and boil for another 3-6 hours. If you run out of liquid, add some more water, and maybe some beef broth if you're into that sort of thing (frankly, I find the idea of eating animals appalling).

Allow to cool for a few minutes and then sprinkle the parmesan cheese on top. Call all you friends - it's baby soup just like Mom used to make!

Makes 3-5 serving

SIGNS YOUR TEACHER IS A WITCH

10. Begins each day "I pledge allegiance to Satan's Hag, I mean Flag.

9. Instead of apples, kids place "eyes of newt" on her desk.

8. On math tests, every word problem begins, "A broomstick traveling 50 m.p.h.

7. During Duck, Duck, Goose, one kid actually turned into a goose.

6. When showing "The Wizard Of Oz", refers to the main character as "That (blank) Dorothy.

5. She requires students to cover textbooks with "skin flayed from a hanged man.

4. She's the gym teacher.

3. Some kids throw water on her, you get a substitute for a year.

2. VooDoo doll plus pins equals class clown with giant pain in the britches.

1. She smokes Salems, dude, think about it.

20 Ways Not to Get Invited Back to a Circle

1. Take the ritual sword from the alter and make sounds like Darth Vader..."Luke, I am your father!"...and start making light saber noises.

2. Start skat-singing when chanting.

3. Take the ritual athame from the alter and start cleaning your nails with it.

4. When taking a sip of the ritual wine, act like a wine snob and comment on it.

5. When doing the spiral dance, make a conga line.

6. Call down the Goddess with "Get your ass down here, Big Momma!".

7. Call down the God with "Our father, who art in heaven..."

8. When chanting the names of the Goddess, randomly include Pokemon names.

9. When being smudged, complain about second-hand smoke.

10. In a drumming circle, laugh insanely and start drumming the beat to "Wipe Out".

11. When in a skyclad circle, randomly point and laugh.

12. When the ritual wine goblet is passed to you, chug it and ask for more.

13. Invoke Satan.

14. Take out a bible and start evangelizing.

15. Light up a cigar.

16. Bring a cute furry creature and offer it as a blood sacrifice.

17. Talk a lot about casting spells for revenge against people who have offended you.

18. At a handfasting say "Thank God! Maybe now I'll get some grandchildren!"

19. When in circle, answer your cell phone.

20. Respond to "So Mote it Be!" with "Amen!"

Blonde Jokes

Q: Why did the blond pagan have a lasso?
A: She wanted to draw down the moon.

Q: Why did the blond pagan have a remote control?
A: She wanted to channel.

Q: How can you tell a blonde pagan closed the circle?
A: There's white-out on the floor.
 

A sign in front of Dragonspyre, an Orange City metaphysical shop, reads: "Witches Parking Only -- All Others Will Be Toad."
 

666 Stuff - Anon

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that:

$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please
Route 666 - Highway of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
667 - Next door neighbor of the Beast

Top 10 Reasons Why Athames Are Black - Renae Ransdorf

10   So they'll go with any color of robe.
  9   So you can cover up nicks & scratches with shoe polish.
  8   It's slimming (can't have fat athames, can we?)
  7   It doesn't show dirt.
  6   Because finding a dropped athame in an outdoor ritual in the dark is a test of loyalty to your faith.
  5   It's so much more dignified than chartreuse.
  4   Seemed like a good idea at the time.
  3   Someone spilled all the paints together and that's what ended up.
  2   No, no! Black is for winter rituals--use white before Labor Day!

And the #1 reason athames are black....

  1  So that we'd have something to argue about other than how "athame" is pronounced