Personal Information
Name/Signature: ???
Age:19
Height: 5'4''
Weight: Average is 115
Eye Color: Assorted brown
Hair Color: Brown
Fav. Music: I prefer heavy metal and alternative the most, but it depends on my mood.
Fav. Color: Black,
Midnight Blue,
Forest Green,
Deep Red, Black Orchid
Fav. Animal: Wolves, Cat family, Horses, Dolphins, Hawks, Falcons, Ravens, and Deers
Style:It depends on my mood really
Fav. Movie: The Crow, Gladiator, Lord of the Rings, Queen of the Damned, Interview with the Vampire, Matrix, Star Trek (all of them), Princess Monoke, Sprited away, Samuri X, Willow, A Knights Tale, The man in the iron mask
Fav. Author: Anne Rice
Fav. Play: The Tragedy of Macbeth, Romeo and Juliet
Fav. Poet: Charles Steward, H. Mcclean
Fav. Flower: White Rose, Lilacs, Purple, blue, and White Carnations, and if a Black Rose ever existed
Fav. Tree: Weeping Willow, Oak
Fav. Subject: Creative Writing, Computer Graphics, Studio in Art, and Enviromental Science
Fav. Sport: Volleyball, Lacrosse, and Floor Hockey
Fav. Holiday: Halloween
Fav. Instrament: Violin,wooden flute, and piano
Fav. Pastime: Reading, Hiking, Researching, Sleeping, Drawing
Fav. Actor/Actress: None, Celeberties annoy me.
Fav. Movie/TV Characters: Eric Draven (Brandon Lee), Angel (Angel), Frodo (Lord of the Rings), Legolas (Lord of the Rings), Jon Luke Picard (Star Trek Genrations), and Spock (Star Trek), Felipe (Man in the iron mask)
Fav. Store/Shops: Hot Topics, Spencers, Enchantments, New Age Creations, Bath & Body Works, Claires, BlackSunrise, Victoria Secrets, GameStop, Millennium, The Body Shop, Yankee Candle Company, Yosa, Thunder Bay, and Drac-in-a-box.
Fav. Food: None in particular
Fav. Drink: Apple and Orange Juice
Fav. Desert: Any Fruit
Fav. Video Games: Final Fantasy 1-10, All Resident Evils (except Nemisis), Kouldelka, Galerians, Legends of Legia, Link, Zelda, Castlevania: symphony of the night, BloodRayne, Devil may cry, Devil may cry II, Parasite Eve, Parasite Eve II, Blood Omen: legacy of Kain, Silent Hill, Chrono Cross, Star Oceans
Fav. Computer Games: Heros of might and magic, Diablo II, Well of Souls
Fav. Sites: Poetry.com, My blood walk, Neopets
Fav. Cartoon: Invader Zim, Dragon Ball, DBZ, Gargoyles, Big O, Tenchi Muyo, Cowboy Be-bop, Outlaw Star, Thundercats, Yuyo Hokusho, Gundumn Wing, X-Men, Spiderman, Rurouni Kenshin
Fav. Car: Black Mustang convertible GT, Modded
Fav. Romantic Setting: Forest, Picnic in the summer, just nightfall with candles
Where I want to visit: Budapest, Ireland, Egypt, France, and Greece.
Likes: Romantic things, sunsets, moonlight, swimming, video games, RPG's, traveling, fantasy/mythology, science-fiction, strawberry twinkies, chocolate covered cherries, chocolate covered straberries, real flowers, surfin the net, shopping, arcades, midnight bowling, blading, biking, coloring, drawing, the earth, daggers, staffs, rods, bow and arrows, and animals
Dislikes: Humans, Smokers, Tobbaco industry, alcohol, strip clubs, smut, drugs of any sort, most people, dogs, celeberties, porn, alot of gov't laws/rules,etc., pollution, destroying of the earth, prejudice people, guns, hunting (unless for survival)
E-mail:Atirranah@netscape.net
January 1, 2004
- I decided to create a new site. My old one was kind of depressing but non-the-less I will put a link onto this one connecting my old site. This one I hope to do better. The new years was tiring. But I had a wonderful time. I spent it with my boyfriend. We watched a movie "Army of Darkness". We fell asleep and woke a half-an hour before the ball dropped and had some non-alcoholic wine. I went home around 12:30, barely because I was so tired and was knocked out by the time my head hit the pillow. I was tired this morning and it was a pain to go to work. But I made it through and saw Charlie, he was tired as well. But I am still tired, hopefully I will rest a little more and on Saturday I will sleep in as for tomorrow I have work. ::rolls eyes::
January 7, 2004
- Today I decided to look at ECC for archeology sadly they have nothing even close relating to the subject. I looked at a couple of other colleges but basically the same result came from most of my researching, unless you count going far away or having to drive at the least two hours before getting there. Making it even harder for myself, I do not have a car. I am working on that, Charlie and I both are. But it is hard. He has bills and I am working on other things. I get so upset when all my dreams feel like they being buried deeper into my soul, burning my happiness out of me. I have many joys. Love is one of them. An important one at that, but I do have a passion for the past, for cultures. It is my dream to study these things. But I cannot if I do not have the money, cannot travel far and so forth. I suppose I should end this dream of mine and become a nurse. Yes the money will be wonderful and I will learn useful skills. But money is a tangible thing it does not last forever nor can it bring memories of bliss or shall be remembered when I am gone. But happiness, doing something that makes me want to get up everyday and want to go to work, no not work that is something people say when they are being paid for something they hate doing and are miserable for such a long time, and perhaps their whole lives. I do not want to be one of these sad people. I want to travel and love what I do. But it never seems it will happen. I never feel like I can reach it. I need a push and I cannot recieve one. But tomorrow is another day and no matter how many times I say I will give up hope, I never do I never can nor will I. Hope is apart of me no matter how low I can feel it is what keeps me going through really hard times, I beleive it does to us all.
January 15 2004
- I just have so much on my mind, to many things to write out in my journal. ::lowers head:: I am so tired.
January 16, 2004
- Today has been a very depressing day. The funny thing about it all is that I finally got a good nights sleep. I had to walk to work and I was beyond cold, not to mention I was limping because of the surgery on my achilles heel as well as my calf from pulling a muscle. I was swamped at work for three hours if not more. I was on my own this time. I had no one to back me up (I work at McDonalds, low pay, go figure) and the line was into the dining room and just when I think I got at least five people out of the way three more come in. I was yelled at, told to do a million things, get my own food, burned, and had to hear arguements between four people. Everyone was in a bad mood which attacked my positive energy immediatly. There was no way to fight this phychic attack on my own. My mom was peaved at me because I asked her to pick me up because I could not make it to my grandmothers, which is alot closer than my own street. We got home and the living room was destroyed because the boy upstairs pounds so hard on the ground it made everything on the wall fall off. I picked it up, but she still was infuriated. I was so sore today. With my leg and foot but I had a headache and real bad back pains that I wanted to cry. Sometime during the day after I washed and dressed. I walked to this thrift-like store because I bought a phone, could not activate it (unless I paid $825.00) and got store credit because they would not refund me. I bought a bunch of junk. But the lady was on the phone and kept getting phone calls (not business related) and forgot about me. I waited for an hour and a half to finally check out and as I waited people were swearing and argueing like crazy. I went to the library afterwards to return a movie and went to my boyfriends. I beleive I was followed by a couple of boys so I walked real fast to his house. I made it there within ten mintues, normally it takes a half an hour. My hands burned from the warmth in his house. Today was really hard only because of the negative energy that surrounded me all day. I know a few people who beleive in the power of energy surrounding them and others. They would truly understand. ::sigh:: I need to go and rest.
January 18 2004
- I sit thinking of all the things in my life. How stressful it was, and still is. My family, love life, friendships, and school. It was so hard for me. But I realize that I want everyone I know to be happy. Even Derek (someone who hurt me emotionally, ruining alot of years for me)I wanted him to be happy. I just had and still deep inside me have so much hate it my life, and I want it gone. I now work on my life and healing myself from all the emotional damage I went though. No one can do it but me. So now I work on my inner-self and those around me. I am currently working, will be going to college (I had alot of doubts about going), in a relationship, and working on my future. It's hard to start late, getting my life in order that is. But it's better late than never. I still have alot of emotional stress, I take it out on Charlie sometimes but he understands and works with me on it. I cry sometimes just because I hurt. I always have things on my mind. I try to work things out, solving them in my head. My mind becomes so stressed that I forget things, important things and have to write it down. So I try to write things out when solving a problem. I am healing and I know things will turn out all right. I keep my faith and do my best to hold my head high. Sometimes tho, I would like to drift into another world and allow my problems to leave me for a day, or even just for alittle while. ::tear::
January 19, 2004
- I cry this night. This feeling of not belonging here. This cycle that continues. All human life goes through the same thing. A cycle began, starting with birth and ending with death, at least for the body. The souls forever in this cycle. But I, I do not feel I should be in this cycle. My spirit is caught in it. I will change this. I vow it unto myself and to those I love.
January 27, 2004
- I found out yesterday my father is moving. He lives with my aunt and uncle and their five children in North Tonawanda. I lived with them for about three years until this past month in a half. They were going to move to Florida which made me weep. Not for them because I can call them whenever I am near a phone, but for my one year old cat, Kie kie. They were going to give him away as they do with all the animals they get. But he is not theirs, he is mine. I hand fed him since he was born and I love him like a mother to their own child. My family on the other hand was crying because they did not want to leave me, I sat and listened over the phone and heard them say "I love you baby girl" so many times. I dislike it when someone says that to me to so much at a time. It makes me dislike those three little words for awhile. I hear it from my family alot when they drink, they become lovable and never leave me alone. But today I found out they are going to try to find a place in North Tonawanda instead.
It's funny how how my mother begged to have me home again. Now that I am, she complains about not recieving food stamps because I have a job. Get this, she wants me to apply for them! She told me to say that she charges me rent so I will be able to recieve them and when I do she will keep them. Am I the only one who finds something really wrong with this situation??? ::becomes angry:: I will NEVER lower myself to this when I get older. For her now, maybe, but only to help her. But I do not care if I have to live on the streets and or have a side job, because I will not recieve food stamps when I am out on my own. I am to proud for that, enough is enough!
February 10, 2004
- Hello to everyone out there things are looking up! Even tho I am stressing myself to my limit about it all. My boyfriend and I will have a car soon. We are moving out into our own apartment in June, and my cat Kie-Kie will be coming with us! For those that don't know I almoot lost my cat because my aunt moved and couldn't keep him. so I cried for almost four hours straight until my other aunt said she will keep him until June. Which is better than me giving him up! I will be going to college soon, this Fall. The days are going by quick now and I am almost complelty set up for college. I am really excited but mad nervous too! I still work at McDonalds but I already put in applications for three banks today. They make more money and I hope I get the job for one of them. I really will need the money. ::chomp chomp:: Mmmm pizza is good!
February 21, 2004
Charlie and I had a spat yesterday we talked about it today and we are fine now. It was about something stupid too. Well to me. He hasn't been sleeping well because of the incident at work last week and I was being a bitch because I wanted him to be awake and cuddle with me, he was too tired and kept falling asleep. I am grateful he is alive and all, and that he tried to stay awake but I feel like I am here and he is not. I was upset alot, I just wanted attension from him. I got it today tho, I knew I would. I was being a pain is all. We've been able to work through everything thus far, and I am really happy that we have. But in other news I may be going motocrossing with my friend Steve. He is going to teach me how to ride and not get killed ::laughs:: Perhaps this week or next. I need to do somethng new. To find what other things I enjoy besides watching horor flicks all day or playing the game.
February 25, 2004
I hurt today, so much I cannot stop crying. I can barely see the screen. I've been like this for over three hours. It's inevitable, I have to give up my cat KieKie. I struggled so hard for the past two months to keep him and just when I thought there was hope, there is none. My so called "aunt" Christina said she would take care of him until June, when I got my own apartment I would take him back. But now she can't. She's moving and she even said someone else would take them if he was declawed. I was more than willing to pay, I still have the money to do so. But I had to contact this person by eight o' clock. My time has run out and now this weekend I will take my beautiful one year old cat to the SPCA. My aunt Sue said she would call her friend Lisa and try to find him a home, but it doesn't matter, I will not have him. I love this cat with all of my heart and soul, as I have said in previous entries he is my child. How does a mother give their child away without feeling pain. She doesn't, I will hurt forever, this pain won't leave. I know it won't, I had a puppy before when I was younger and fell completly in love with it, I had to give her away to and I still cry sometimes when i'm alone because she is not here with me. I just keep hoping I will have him in the end, but the odds are very much against me. I have called all of my freinds near by that could possibly take him but obviously that attempt failed, my boyfriend tried three times with his mother and failed, and I with mine. I know when I rest tonight I will see his face because I see it now, and how he follows me everywhere when I visit because he knows i'm his mommy. God! Why does it hurt so much!
September 19th, 2004
Alot of time has passed. I've been extra busy these last months. but to keep everyone up to date I am still with Charlie, I have a new job at another fast food industry, Wendy's. I do not have my cat, it hurts but all I can do is hope he is okay. I got to ECC now. I am taking nursing, I made that descion on my own it's hard and I want to do other things but I have to make certain sacrifices. My aunt moved into Lockport as well as my father. He has a girlfriend now and I really get along with her well she is like my in many ways. I have a car. I pay my mother monthly for it up until I hit $500.00. I am on food stamps for my mother I hate doing it but if I don't she doesn't buy me food to eat on the go. It's not like she really cooks any ways. I've made some great friends at school and my depression has subsided for now. Every now and again it comes back but i've been able to work through it. Today I tried to look for my old diary entries on my boyfriends computer and old website. No luck there. They were all deleted so all those reading this who don't know me to well do not know the whole story. When I have time I am going to write it down and put it after my personal information on this page. I went through alot. Not as much as others have been, but everyone is different and was raised differently. The big difference though, is that I have changed my life around when so many others have not. Well I have a home made cake to finish up as well as cupcakes for someone at work. So thanks to those who have been patient enough to see how my website progress especially with this horribble undated months!
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