The Pastor & the Choir Director
There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of
the Hicksville Southern Baptist Church.
It seems the first hint of t rouble came when the Pastor preached on
"Dedicating Yourselves to Service" and the Choir Director chose to
sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved." Trying to believe it was a coincidence,
the Pastor put the incident behind him.
The next Sunday he preached on "Giving." Afterwards, the choir
squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All."
By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper.
Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two
built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon
on "The Sin of Gossiping." Would you believe the Choir
Director selected the song: "I Love To Tell The Story."
There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the
congregation that unless something changed, he was considering
resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led
them in: "Why Not Tonight?"
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later,
explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him
away. The Choir Director could not resist: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."
Have A Laugh
~DEATH~
WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN IT
A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to
leave the examination room and said,
'Doctor, I am afraid to die.
Tell me what lies on the other side.'
Very quietly, the doctor said, 'I don't know.'
'You don't know? You, a Christian man,
do not know what is on the other side?'
The doctor was holding the handle of the door;
on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining,
and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room
and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said,
'Did you notice my dog?
He's never been in this room before.
He didn't know what was inside.
He knew nothing except that his master was here,
and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear.
I know little of what is on the other side of death,
but I do know one thing...
I know my Master is there and that is enough.'
Tap, Tap, Tap
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a response equal to four-year old David's comment. Gently she tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart. "Listen", she said..........."What do you suppose that is?" He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap - tap - tapping deep in his chest.
Suddenly, his face broke out in a wondrous grin and he asked, "Is that Jesus knocking?"
How Much Time
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing
God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to
live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have
a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time
to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an
ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that
ambulance?
God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you."
YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE A GHETTO CHRISTIAN IF:
1. You lie on an application to get a job and then get up and testify that "God made a way out of no way".
2. You get mad at a visitor and call them out for sitting in YOUR
seat.
3. You tell the preacher to baptize you from the neck down because
you just got your hair did!
4. You take 2 hours to get ready for church, get there late, and
leave early!!!
5. You open your Bible and you cough from the dust that flies out.
6. Your wedding song is 'Secret Lovers'.
7. You do not lift your hand during worship because your Acrylic
nail is broken.
8. The only time you like to sing in the choir is when they let you
sing "your" song.
9. You do not tithe because you say, "the preacher might be crooked
and stealing the Lord's money, so I don't want to give it to him."
10. After you've done wrong and someone has rebuked you, you don't
repent but you say, "well the Lord knows my heart".
11. If you have ever said, "show me in the Bible where it says, thou
shall not smoke".
12. Your favorite part of the service is the benediction.
13. You buy "hot" merchandise and testify the Lord blessed me with a TV, jewelry, clothes, etc.
14. You overheard someone say, "We got fed today at service"
and you asked if they served chicken.
15. You just got finished smoking on the outside of the church and then try to lead a song, get choked up, holding your throat and
say to the congregation, "The devil don't want me to sing this song."
Values
One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the son.
"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered: "I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go
beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are."
Too many times, we forget what we have and concentrate on what we don't have.
Why is one's person's worthless object is another's prize possession? It is all based on one's perspective. Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for all the bounty we have instead of worrying about wanting more. Take joy and appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
15 Pieces of advice to pass on to your daughters and good friends:
1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it!
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes. It means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
