Despite his exhaustion, Sam slept lightly and woke early, blinking into the darkness of Josh’s guest room, knowing he would not go back to sleep. His watch said five and he got up.
He would have time to get home for a shower and a change of clothes and still be in the office before Elaine. The less disruption to their routine, the less suspicious or worried she would be. He could explain away one lost afternoon but no more.
He changed out of the sweats Josh had lent him into yesterday’s suit and used the bathroom quickly. He wanted to throw up again but there was nothing there. He was dizzy instead, having kept nothing down except whisky in almost twenty-four hours.
Josh’s kitchen still smelt of burning photographs, was still inhabited by a sleeping Josh. He was where Sam had left him at the table, fallen asleep on folded arms. Sam watched him silently as he put on his coat. He was going to have a bad back and a stiff neck as well as everything else. Sam wondered about waking him but he did not think he could face him. Not so soon.
He left without Josh knowing, another cowardly act to stack up on the others. Another day on the Hill ahead.
Three years later
The debate entered its fourth hour and Sam listened stoically to a detailed opinion on the categories of information which should appear on a food label. This followed from an even more detailed summary of the arguments for the most appropriate font size on the said label. Though this must, he learned, be relative to the size of the packaging. The suitable size being judged on a sliding scale which could be demonstrated by a simple graph.
Only the occasional congressman or woman stealing away to an early gin & tonic in despair broke the numbed silence of those listening. Sam staved off waves of drowsiness by leafing through a folder of correspondence and articles his staff had collected for him.
He was not sorry, however, when he was passed a note telling him Danny Concannon was waiting for him in the press gallery.
“Hey Danny,” he said slipping into the seat next to him. “Are you covering the great food labelling debate?”
“You bet,” Danny said with a faint smile.
Sam’s conscience nagged at him. “I’m not saying it’s not a public health issue because it is. Or in fact, that we don’t have a right to know the country of origin –.“
“Sam.” Danny saved him. “That’s not why I’m here.”
“No, right. Sorry. How are you doing? How’s CJ?”
“She’s fine. We’re both good. It’s about Josh.” Danny paused. “He’s in hospital. He had some kind of heart thing this morning. Whoa, down boy.”
Sam had got to his feet, sending correspondence from his folder fluttering to the floor. Danny pulled him back down.
“Take it easy, Sam. He’s okay.”
“What happened?”
“He was on his way to a meeting this morning when he got chest pains. Seems he hailed a cab and checked in to the ER at George Washington. They took him straight in for angioplasty.”
Sam tried to absorb this. “Angioplasty?”
“Yeah you know, the thing, the balloon thing for a blocked artery and they put in a stent. I guess so it won’t reblock.”
“I don’t understand. He’s been fine lately.” He frowned. He had not actually seen Josh since the election. “Hasn’t he?”
Danny shrugged. “Apparently not.”
Sam remembered suddenly. “He called me this morning at nine. My phone was off and he didn’t leave a message. I’ve been trying to call him back but -.”
“Sam,” Danny interrupted again. “He’s okay.”
He forced himself to focus. “Thanks Danny, for telling me. How did you find out?”
“Josh called the guy he was supposed to be meeting with from the taxi. It’s Steve Wilson, you know NBC Steve, whose doing the documentary on the Bartlet Administration. He called CJ.”
“Has CJ seen Josh?”
“Yeah, she went straight there. He’s mostly been sleeping and he’s not in pain or anything. She had to leave but his boyfriend’s with him.”
Sam paused, not sure he had heard correctly. “His what?”
Danny smiled. “You didn’t know, then? The word’s been getting round pretty slowly, I guess.”
Sam blinked. “I’m sorry Danny, who’s with him?”
“His boyfriend. Some really excessive Eastern European named Vinko.”
“Josh has a - boyfriend?”
“A Croatian one, apparently. He came out a few months after the election. Who’d have thunk it? Well, me actually, but that’s beside the point.”
Sam had stopped listening. His head was buzzing with all the new information Danny had given him. He began to gather the pieces of paper he had dropped and pile them haphazardly into his folder.
“I have to see him.”
“Come on,” Danny said. “I’ll drive.”
As he walked the corridors of George Washington Hospital Coronary Care Unit Sam had forgotten about boyfriends, Croatian or otherwise. All he knew was the slow breathing figures beneath white sheets and the antiseptic smell which he always associated with fear.
Danny had left him at the hospital and he was alone as he found his way to Josh’s room. Josh was alone too, sleeping in the semi-darkness. Only then, as he listened to his steady breathing could Sam assure himself his worst nightmare had not become real. Josh was alive. He believed he knew how to cope with this second-worst nightmare of Josh with heart monitors by his side and charts at the end of his bed.
He hung up his coat, brought a chair close to the bed and sat, unmoving as the afternoon became evening.
Nurses came in hourly to administer medication, see to the drip and check Josh’s vital signs. When Josh, woken by the activity, saw Sam he smiled and when the nurses left, Sam took Josh’s hand until he fell asleep again.
Later in the evening CJ visited with Donna. Josh slept through their visit and they left.
It was almost ten o’clock when the door was flung open and an amazing creature appeared illuminated in the light from the hallway. He was dressed in a long black leather coat, which covered a rake thin body, a pair of jeans, which balanced on nonexistent hips and a mis-buttoned mauve shirt. He had messy spiked black hair and was beautiful.
Sam remembered the boyfriend and Josh woke with a start.
“Yoshua.” Vinko let the door swing closed behind him. “You’re better, no?”
“A little,” said Josh. “This is Sam.”
Vinko bestowed a radiant smile on Sam and went to Josh with what could only be described as a sashay. He placed a kiss on Josh’s lips. “You want something? I can go get you a cappuccino.”
“Uh no,” Sam cut in. “The nurse said he could have a sip of water.”
“Oops, I don’t want to give him another heart attack.”
He poured a glass of water from a jug by the bed. Sam winced as he helped Josh up to drink it disrupting the drip and getting half of it on the sheets. Judging he had fulfilled his duty Vinko went over to a mirror to check his hair.
“I ‘at to go Yoshua because of work.”
“That’s okay,” Josh said. “Sam was here.”
“You know there’s a couple of guys with a TV camera outside. There must be someone famous. I hope its Britney Spears.” He turned to Sam. “She’s so beautiful, don’t you think?”
“Is she the one who got married?” Sam asked helplessly. “Or the one who didn’t get married?”
“Yes.”
“They might be here for Josh,” Sam said.
“Get out of here.” Vinko exclaimed excitedly.
“Well, why not?” Sam said. “He used to be a senior advisor to the President.”
“That guy who looks like Hawkeye?”
Sam looked at Josh. “Is he yanking my chain?”
“Vinko doesn’t believe I’m anyone,” Josh said smiling.
“Course you someone!” Vinko cried. “But you not famous like Britney.”
“It’s probably Steve Wilson,” Josh said as Sam resettled the bedclothes and drip for him. “He must be hoping for another death to spice up his narrative.”
“Don’t, Josh.”
“I don’t blame him. Anyone would think we opened up Pharaoh’s tomb after a Senior Staff meeting the way we seem to be cursed.”
Sam had to agree.
Vinko had thrown himself into a chair and arranged himself in an attitude of waiting. Soon however, he began to give off a restless air.
“You don’t have to stay, V,” Josh said.
“No, I stay,” Vinko said stoically.
“Really, it’s okay.”
“You’re sure?” The stoicism collapsed.
“I’m sure, go on.”
Sam looked on fascinated as Vinko sprang to his feet with a rustle of leather and denim. He kissed Josh again.
“I come again tomorrow.”
“Do you want some money for a cab?”
“No, baby.”
He turned to Sam and startled him by kissing him, continental style on the cheeks before gliding away. A health promotion poster slid off the wall as he slammed the door behind him.
The effect of Vinko’s disruptive presence died away and soon Josh’s eyes closed again. “They gave me some sedation because I’m not supposed to move for six hours,” he said. “I can’t stay awake at all.”
“You sleep, Josh.”
“But you’ve probably got some questions, right?”
“I do,” Sam said. “But they can wait. Get some rest now.”
Josh nodded. “Will you stay a little longer?”
“Sure.”
Sam left Josh peacefully asleep in the early hours of the morning and after a few hours rest, made an early start in the office. He had hoped to clear things up after lunch and get back to the hospital. It did not work out though, his meetings ran late and he could not leave until five.
Donna called him from the hospital after picking up Josh’s mother from the airport. “She’s staying with Jenny McGarry,” she said. “But I’m going to collect her after she’s settled in and bring her to see him.”
“How is he today?”
“He’s doing fine. I’ve got to go to Phoenix for a few days. I mean I wasn’t going to go but he seems really well so I’m just going to stay here for the afternoon and head off.”
“What do you make of Vinko?” She asked after skirting round the subject for a while.
“I don’t know Donna, he’s kind of unexpected.”
“I think he’s awful for Josh,” she said. “He’s too young for him for a start and he’s such a – such a butterfly.”
“I guess Josh knows what he’s doing, though.”
“Really?” Donna said doubtfully. “I think he’s gone completely mad. I think he’s having a mid-life crisis. Can’t you find him a nice guy his own age, a lawyer or somebody.”
“Uh, okay. But let’s get him out of hospital before we put his picture on the internet.”
As he said goodbye to Donna, Elaine appeared in the doorway of his office.
“Sam,” said Elaine, when he had hung up. “Do you know someone called Vinko Bravic?”
“I seem to be hearing that name a lot. I know a Vinko, but I don’t know his other name. Why?”
“Steve Wilson from NBC is looking for a response on something Mr Bravic said.”
“Was it about Britney Spears?”
“No, it was about you.”
“Me?” Sam frowned. “I only met him for two minutes yesterday. They were probably the most baffling two minutes of my life but I don’t see – what did he say?”
“Well Steve Wilson spoke to him outside the hospital last night. He asked how Josh was doing and the reply was; ‘He’s doing okay, they fixed his heart up good.’ Steve asked; ‘Have any of his old colleagues from the White House been in to see him?’ To which he replied; ‘That tall girl, she came,’ and apparently this is a direct quote, ‘and his ex-boyfriend, he’s there now. Sam who looks like Will from Will and Grace.’”
Sam raised his eyebrows. “He called me Josh’s ex-boyfriend?”
“Yes.”
“Why would he -? Oh perfect. What did you say?”
“I said I’d ask you if you wanted to comment.”
“Okay, thanks Elaine. There’s no comment.”
“Should I call back?”
“No, I don’t think so and I don’t want to speak to him if he calls again.”
“What shall I say?”
“Say I’ll see him as planned to talk about President Bartlet next week.”
Elaine scribbled a note. “Okay. And Phil called to say he’s got the premises for your campaign office. It’s the usual place and he wants to talk to you about staff.”
Sam sat back. “I’ll call him. That came round again pretty quick didn’t it?”
“Much too soon.”
“Elaine, is Will and Grace something to do with Britney Spears?”
“Yes, they’re both things you’ve never heard of and I haven’t time to explain to you. Mr Quilp’s here, shall I bring him in?”
“Quilp? Isn’t he –?“
“No Sam he’s not from the Charles Dickens, he’s from Newport Beach.”
“Yes, Elaine. Bring him in.”
In the moments before a representative of the Orange County hotel and leisure industry came into his office he thought about Steve’s call, took a sip of cooling coffee and straightened his tie.
“Okay,” he said to himself. “Let’s do this.”
Sam went to the hospital when his last meeting ended and found Josh looking much better. The drips and machines were gone and he was sitting up in bed watching TV. Though he looked pale he smiled cheerfully and switched off the TV as Sam came in. They hugged and Sam pulled up a chair.
Vinko was there too, fast asleep on the room’s second bed. He was lying on his back, arms spread out expansively with one long leg dangling off the side. In an animal print shirt and orange jeans he was more astonishing asleep than awake.
“He had a long night,” Josh said by way of explanation. “Hey, you just missed Donna and CJ and my mom.”
“Sorry I couldn’t make it earlier. How are you doing?”
“Okay. I was expecting three months of hell like last time but I just feel kind of wrecked today and they reckon I can go home tomorrow.”
“That soon?”
“Don’t look like that, I want to get out of here.”
“So what happened?”
“I don’t know, Sam. I got a pain in my chest after I walked up some steps. It was bad enough I had to sit down and for a moment I couldn’t breathe. It went away and I thought I was fine but by the time I got to the NBC Building it was back but worse.”
“Danny told me you hailed a cab. That’s pretty stylish.”
“I think it was more like falling into the path of one. And I guess they took one look at me in the ER and wheeled me off to the Cath Lab.”
Sam shivered. “You must have just made it in time.”
“Apparently, the artery was almost completely blocked. But that’s for you, not for anyone else to know. Not my mom definitely.”
“Sure, of course not. But that’s pretty scary, right. You must be -”
“Freaked out?” Josh’s clear gaze met Sam’s. “Totally. I’m a basket-case but don’t tell anyone that either.”
“You’ll get there, Josh you always do.”
“I keep remembering that cab ride. Sitting there with the driver crabbing on about the traffic and thinking, what if I don’t make it? What if it ends now? What if his is the last voice I ever hear.”
Sam contemplated this. “I’m sorry I didn’t have my phone on when you called.”
“Right, I did call you. I don’t know what I expected you to do. Except go into shock. I’m sorry, Sam.”
“Don’t be. You should always call me.” Sam looked down at their hands, somehow clasped together. “So, you’re going to be fine now right?”
“Seems so. I mean, the stent’s in for life.”
“And that means the artery won’t re-block.”
Josh shrugged. “Theoretically.”
They looked over to see Vinko waking up. He rolled into a sitting position and blinked at Josh before trying to revive his partially flattened hair.
“Sweetheart,” he cried when he saw Sam.
“Cupcake,” Sam responded solemnly to Josh’s amusement and a delighted ‘ooh’ from Vinko.
“You know,” Vinko said, once he had investigated some of the fruit and magazines Josh had at his bedside. “I spoke to that cameraman yesterday. Yoshua says I might be on the TV. Can you believe it?”
“Yes,” Sam said. “Yes I can.”
“Was it Steve?” Josh asked.
“It was. I think he’s widening the scope of his project.”
“I bet he is,” Josh grinned. “I guess I’m well and truly out of the closet now.”
“What do you want to be in the closet for, anyway? It’s pretty dark in there.” Vinko grabbed his jacket from the back of a chair and a handful of grapes. “I got to go, baby.”
He hugged Josh, blew a kiss to Sam and left sending the health promotion poster sliding to the floor again.
“So I guess he was a shock to you? On top of everything else.” Josh asked as Sam stuck the poster firmly to the wall for a second time.
“I have a feeling he’s a shock to everyone.”
“Well, you’re not wrong about that. It’s okay him speaking to Steve isn’t it? What did he say?”
“Something about me looking like Will and Grace,” Sam answered carefully. “But I don’t know what that means.”
“It’s true actually. Will, that is. You should be unemployed for a while, then you can catch up with the zeitgeist.”
“I don’t think that’s far off if the ‘47’ polls are anything to go by.”
“Seriously?”
“I think they view a two-term Democrat as a vaccination against any future ones.”
“Well, I wouldn’t be so sure of that. You’ve beaten the odds twice already.”
“So tell me then. What made you come out?”
“Ah well, all the clichés. Santos lost, I didn’t have a job and all I could think about was Leo. About how he could be working hard, running for office one minute and gone the next. I just thought, it’s time to take a break and think things through and I realised I didn’t want to be alone anymore. That’s all really. I’d missed out on so much. So, I went to a bar. And Vinko was behind it.”
“Wow, and that’s it. I think it’s great Josh, I really do.”
“I wanted to tell you. More than anything. But with the media, you never know if anyone’s going to care or not and I didn’t want you dragged into it.”
“Thank you. You should have told me though. We could have had a drink to celebrate one of us growing a spine.”
“The last thing you are is spineless,” Josh said, his voice lowering. “Anyway, the press don’t seem to care, if they’ve even noticed.”
“Don’t you believe it. They’re just keeping the story until you get to be the next Democratic President’s Chief of Staff and hope you deny it.“
“Which I’m not going to.”
Sam smiled at him. “Has it made you happy?”
“Yeah, you know,” he said. “I’m getting there.”
“So,” said Sam. “Vinko?”
“Do you like him? You don’t have to answer that.”
“Its not that I don’t like him. It’s just he seems to be a little –.“
“You know he ran away from the Croatian army? He just abandoned his tank and didn’t stop until he got to New York.”
“Someone put him in charge of a tank?”
“Go figure. But imagine what that life was like for him.”
“Are you safe with him, Josh? Is he going to hurt you? Donna thinks you’ve finally lost it.”
“I know, she told me.” Josh broke into a smile. “He’s all my unwise gay relationships rolled into one and I haven’t got any expectations of it.”
“But you like him, don’t you?”
“Of course and you will too. He’s very, very sweet. He’s been showing me how to be gay, if that makes sense. How to not hide all the time. You can’t hide if you’re standing next to Vinko.”
“No, I see that.”
“Also,” Josh said confidentially. “He knows an incredible amount about sex.”
The pang of jealousy hit Sam with surprising force but he joked. “Ah ha, your heart attack starts to look inevitable.”
Josh laughed. “Doesn’t it?”
“So look, you’ll have to come back to mine when you’re discharged.”
“No Sam, you’ve got enough to do.”
“But you’re not going home alone. Donna’s out of town and your mother will want to fly back soon.”
“There’s Vinko,” said Josh meekly.
Sam gave him an ‘over my dead body’ look and Josh sighed.
“Well, maybe for a couple of days. Thanks.”
Sam had known he would agree after showing a small amount of resistance. In frightening times they turned to one another, no matter how many months of silence had passed between them.
The next morning was taken up with a sub-committee session and when Sam got back to his office Elaine followed him in, closing the door behind her. She presented him with a pile of messages.
“Everyone wants to know if you’re gay.”
He took the slips of yellow paper.
“Everyone?”
“Steve Wilson called Phil in California when he couldn’t get an answer from me.”
“What did Phil say?”
“He said the whole idea’s ridiculous. That’s what he always says.”
Sam looked up. “Always?”
“It’s not the first time he’s been asked.”
“Is it because of Will and Grace?”
Elaine glared at him.
Sam turned to the next message. “Steve asked Toby. Excellent.”
“Toby Ziegler phoned to say that, during the course of his President Bartlet interview with Steve Wilson he was asked about the relationship between you and Josh Lyman. And he apparently said –.“
“Oh, this should be good.”
“That you were both really annoying and could he please talk about something else.”
Sam laughed and Elaine sighed, putting the third message to the top of the pile. “It’s not funny, the California DP phoned, someone’s obviously been on to them. Carol Phillips wants a call back for reassurance there isn’t going to be a scandal.”
“I’ll call her.”
Elaine stared at him. “Is there going to be a scandal?”
“I don’t know.” Sam sat down in one of the chairs at his meeting table. He dropped his briefcase and looked through the remaining messages. “Doesn’t anyone want to know about the Education bill?”
“Sam, are you saying you and Josh did have a relationship?”
Sam put down the messages. It was strange to be asked this direct question after so many years of evasion. “No, we never did.”
“So I don’t understand, what’s the problem?”
“The problem is there’s never just one question. There’s always a follow-up. Especially if the press sense they’re being misled. The next question might be ‘have you ever had a sexual experience with a man?’ That’s okay I could say ‘no’ to that but if the next question is ‘are you gay?’ well then – that’s different.”
“Oh,” Elaine said slowly sitting down with Sam. “Oh I see. You can’t avoid the question for ever.”
“I don’t even know why I thought I could.”
The overrunning committee kept Sam busy until late in the afternoon and it was six before he could keep his promise to Josh to drive him home from the hospital. He found Josh and Vinko waiting.
“Sorry I’m so late.”
“We thought you were never going to arrive,” Vinko declared.
“It’s okay, Sam,” Josh said. “Elaine called to say you were stuck in committee.”
Josh seemed well. He was careful about standing and walking but he did not need any help. He kept close to Sam though as they walked to the car, as if he wanted to keep him at hand should anything happen.
Josh was too tired to eat much of the meal they all sat down to. Sam’s appetite had all but disappeared as well. Vinko made up for both of them though clearing his plate and everyone else’s.
Then, bored by the descending quiet he announced he was late and left with goodbye kisses for everyone. Josh and Sam stared at the door as it slammed shut, sending a framed picture clattering to the floor.
“Where does he go to?” Sam asked.
“I’ve found it best not to ask. I mean, he’ll tell you, he’ll even draw you a diagram, but you might not want to know.”
“Sorry Josh, can I just say ‘safe sex’ to you.”
“I know, I know.”
As Sam cleaned up, Josh watched TV and was dozing by the time Sam was finished.
He checked the guest room and found that the housekeeper, who came in a few mornings each week, had prepared the room for Josh. He unpacked Josh’s bag and then returned to the living room.
“Josh,” he said waking him. “Why don’t you go to bed? The room’s made up.”
“Okay,” Josh said. “That’d be good.”
Sam put an arm around Josh to guide him to the guest room and he sat wearily on the bed. One of the two in the room, set up for when Sam’s daughters came to stay.
“Thanks, Sam,” Josh said. “You’re good to an old man.”
“There’s no substance to that rumour.”
Josh laughed and winced with the flash of pain this caused him. Sam sat next to him. He put a hand on his arm and watched his expression settle again. His eyes closed briefly and for a moment Sam thought he looked ill and weak, almost frail. “Okay?”
“Yeah, sorry. It’s all a bit raw still.”
“Shall I help you get ready for bed?”
Josh shook his head. “I’ll be fine.”
Josh covered Sam’s hand with his own and Sam had the impression Josh was making sure their old agreement held and their level of intimacy would extend no further than this.
“Are you sure?”
Josh smiled in a more familiar and reassuring way. “Sure.”
Sam could do nothing other than accept this. “Okay. There’s a bathroom through there. And I’ve unpacked the stuff your mom brought.”
Josh thanked him again and they said goodnight, the real conversation having passed unspoken in the air between them.
He closed Josh’s bedroom door and listened quietly to the sounds of movement until he heard Josh get into bed and saw the light under the door extinguished.
Then he went to find his phones.
He checked the messages on his home phone and cell phone, both of which he had switched to silent.
His home number had three messages from friends in the media who had one way or another heard a rumour. His cell phone had one message from Elaine and one from Phil listing a growing number of increasingly insistent questions.
He had two ‘don’t panic, call me back’ messages from Lisa.
He stood with the two phones in his hands trying to take Lisa’s advice. But he was panicking and he could not phone anyone because that would make it all real. Last time something like this happened he had lost it. He had missed his meetings, got drunk and stumbled about until he found Josh. This time he made himself stronger. He made himself calm. He told himself his career was not over and his life was not ruined. He did not really believe it though.
It was still early so he took out briefing documents and switched the TV news on low, trying to resurrect his evening rituals. It did not work, the dense text defeated him.
He eventually gave up, brushed his teeth and changed into a T-shirt and shorts. He looked at his bed and went instead into the guest room where Josh was now asleep and got into the bed next to his.
He gained some comfort from Josh’s presence but his night was restless all the same. The clock passing three was the last thing he knew before he finally fell asleep and when he woke he had overslept.
Josh’s bed was empty and he found him at the kitchen table sipping the herbal tea he was obliged to drink since everyone had forbidden him coffee.
“This stuff sucks,” he said by way of greeting.
“How long have you been up?”
“Not long,” he said though he looked tired and Sam didn’t quite believe him. “You didn’t have to – you know – you can sleep in your own room.”
“I know. How are you?”
“I’m fine. Listen, I just spoke to mom. She’s going to come by in an hour, so you don’t have to stay with me.”
Sam sighed. “I wasn’t going to go in.”
“You’ve got committee and you’ve got to vote, so I’d rather not keep you from that.”
“I don’t feel like I’ve spent any time with you this week.”
“You’ve been there for me,” Josh said. “But you’ve got a lot on and I’ve got various seniors and housewives and part time bar staff to keep an eye on me so you’ve got nothing to worry about.”
“Is CJ the housewife?”
“Independent consultant, same thing.”
“Well, I look forward to hearing you call her that to her face.” Sam hesitated. “Well, if you’re sure. I’ll get back early though.”
“Only if you can.” Josh looked at him with shrewd eyes. “Is there something up, Sam? You seem a little -.”
“Something up apart from you taking your furry artery to GW in a taxi?”
“Apart from that.”
“No, everything’s fine. Do you want some breakfast?”
Josh’s gaze wandered over him. “I’ll have something with mom when she gets here. Are you sure there’s nothing –?“
“I’m sure. I’m going to get ready in that case.”
“Okay,” Josh replied and Sam leaned down and dropped a kiss on his lips. Then he stepped back, shocked.
Josh smiled. “Thanks, that should be on my prescription.”
Sam stared at him, wondering at how easy some things could be when others were so extraordinarily difficult.
“It’s okay Sam,” Josh said. “That one doesn’t count. Don’t start worrying about that too.”
Elaine handed him a cup of coffee as he came into the office.
“This is the first time I’ve ever got in before you,” she said crisply.
“Sorry I -.”
“I don’t mean it like that. I mean, oh nothing.”
Elaine was always impeccably professional but she had desperate look in her eye this morning. “Are you worried about me?” Sam asked.
“Yes.” Her phone rang and she slammed Sam’s office door. “Oh go away!”
“Me?”
“Them. Circling vultures. It doesn’t matter how hard you work -”
“You’ve been getting some calls?” He interrupted.
“Yes,” she produced her note pad and waved it at him. “Phil called. The local party are threatening to drop you if you don’t speak to them.”
“I did sp-“
“And The Times and the Post and Danny Concannon all called in the last half hour. Mrs Seaborn wants you to call her. And I’m not picking up again until I know what to say.”
“Good plan. Do you want to go home?“
“No!”
“Right,” he said hastily.
“If you’re here, I’m here. I don’t intend to desert you.”
“Thank you.”
Sam set the coffee down and took off his coat. “Has the Minority Leader’s office called?”
She shook her head.
“Then I’m going to committee.”
She vanished into her office and reappeared presenting him with the papers he needed. “How’s Josh?”
“He’s doing good, thanks. Elaine, I’m sorry I’ve made this happen to you and the others. Give me one more day. I’ll have answers for everyone.”
“Don’t answer them! Circling vultures!” She stopped herself. “I don’t mean Mrs Seaborn, of course.”
“It’s okay, Elaine. This is politics, that’s all. I knew the risks.”
“It’s not just politics,” she said. “This country is lucky to have you serving it and this is persecution.”
“Okay, now I’m worried about you.”
“You look tired,” she said. “You should finish up early today and go and spend time with Josh.”
He smiled. “I wish I could.”
But he could not concentrate in committee. The evidence of speaker after speaker washed over him and he contributed little.
It was midway through the interminable afternoon when the clerk passed him a note. He was to report to the Minority Leader without delay. He gathered his paperwork, nodded an apology to the Chairman and left the meeting.
Instead of going to the Minority Leader’s office though, he went back to his own office. He found his three staff sheltering there, ignoring the periodically ringing phones. He sent them all home, even Elaine and then he left himself.
When he reached his apartment, it was quiet and dark. He looked for Josh and found him alone in the study on the internet. Even though it was daylight outside, the blinds in the room had not been opened and the only light was the dim glow of the computer screen.
“Hey,” he said. “What happened to your mom?”
Josh turned briefly and went back to looking at the computer. “She left when Vinko arrived?”
“What happened to Vinko?”
“Who knows. He went out for a newspaper two hours ago.”
“Ah. Are you sure you should be downloading porn without supervision?”
Josh did not turn round or react to the joke. He was staring at the screen and Sam approached to see what he was looking at.
It was a website which Sam had recently visited himself, dedicated to explaining angioplasty and the possible consequences of stent insertion to a patient. He wished he had not bookmarked it because it focussed on the negative. The page was scattered with phrases like recurrent narrowing, blood clotting, arrhythmia and so on.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” Josh said in almost a whisper.
Sam drew a chair next to Josh’s. “You’re going to be fine,” he said.
Josh continued clicking from link to link. “You don’t know that.”
“You’re going to be fine because most people are after this procedure.” Josh bowed his head.
Sam put his arm around his shoulder. Then, when this seemed insufficient he wrapped his other arm around his chest and held him in an awkward hug. Josh did not move away and they were still until the computer screen faded into its hibernation mode and the last light was gone.
Sam felt a violent trembling and he wondered if Josh was crying but it was Josh who separated them. “What is it Sam? Why are you shaking?”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m not used to feeling things so strongly.”
Josh covered Sam’s hands with his own, bringing them up to his mouth to kiss.
They were still again, Sam’s hands in Josh’s, pressed to Josh’s lips.
Sam found himself drawing nearer, to find Josh’s lips with his own but it was Josh who thought twice, took his hands away.
“Careful,” he said gently. “We shouldn’t.”
Sam was dizzy with the loss and could not move to stop Josh standing and going away from him.
“We shouldn’t,” Josh said again from the doorway.
“No,” Sam said, his voice cracking.
“Look, I’m going to lie down for a while.”
“Can I do anything for you?”
He could sense Josh shaking his head in the darkness. “Nah. Thanks Sam.”
He trailed after Josh, following him to the guest room. He saw him clearly for the first time when he switched on the bedside lamp. He looked pale again, his brow creased with worry.
“Do you want me to get a doctor for you?” Sam asked, suddenly anxious. “They discharged you too soon, you ought to talk to someone about all this.”
Josh shook his head. “I’ll just close my eyes for a while. I’ll be fine.”
As he reluctantly started to shut the bedroom door Josh stopped him. “Sam,” he said. “Why’d you switch off the ringer on your land line? What’s with the million messages?”
Sam shrugged. “My number’s misprinted in a classified ad. They’re all phoning to buy my doll collection.”
“You lie badly for a politician.”
“Though its not through lack of practise.”
Sam stood outside Josh’s room for a long time, too tired to even move to the couch. He imagined how it would be to go to Josh, just on the other side of the door, to slip into the tiny bed with him, to wrap his body around Josh’s, to fall asleep next to him. Wondering how it would be to hear no warning whispers, to melt into nothing with him.
The sound of a key in the lock startled him. His first thought was that Vinko had wandered back but when the door opened he saw it was Lisa.
He went to greet her and they exchanged a kiss. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” Sam asked.
“Why didn’t you listen to the fifty messages I left for you?”
“Oh, sorry.”
She looked at him tenderly and touched his cheek. “You look exhausted. How are you doing?”
“Okay I guess. Where are the girls?”
“Home with your mom. They’re both fine.”
“So how did you hear?”
“I’ve had a few calls,” she said with a small smile. “How’s Josh?”
“He’s okay. He had a shock though.”
“I bet.”
“He’s in the guest room.”
“He’s here? Well, that won’t help. His Eurotrash boy isn’t here too, is he?”
“Vinco? Not at the moment.”
“Why did he say what he said? To Steve Wilson of all the damn people.”
Sam went to the couch and sat down. “I don’t know, I’ve wondered about that.”
Lisa sat too. “Tell me the truth, Sam.”
“I swear, Lisa. Nothing ever happened between Josh and me.”
“Good,” she said. “Then why can’t you stop this? Arrange an interview with Steve. Or Danny or someone.”
Sam closed his eyes, feeling Lisa’s forthright gaze on him.
“Oh,” she said, always able to read him. “Because of the follow-up question.”
“I don’t know, Lisa. How long I can go on like this.” He opened his eyes. “How long can you?”
She did not need to speak. He knew she was thinking of the deal they had made. A marriage of convenience for a political career for which the sky was supposedly the limit. She had the status she wanted and he the narrow respectability seemingly essential to political life.
“You’ve got a responsibility to your future,” she urged. “Don’t throw it away now.”
“But how long will it be until something happens again? It’s only a couple of years since the last time and this time it happened because someone saw me with Josh for five minutes. When Josh was practically unconscious, incidentally.”
“You’ve been unlucky but there’s no reason why this shouldn’t be the end of it. If you’ve done nothing, you’re safe. Talk to Josh, he’ll tell you the same thing.”
“I know he would.” He thought of how Josh had been gently but firmly keeping him at a distance these last few days. Josh’s position had not changed on this subject.
He knew he was being talked round. Just as once in Josh’s apartment Josh and Lisa had persuaded him to choose his career over his happiness, she was persuading him again.
It had never got any easier though. Whole years had passed since he had discovered Josh’s feelings matched his own but the pain was still so intense he could hardly stand to exchange an email with him let alone see him.
It had created an empty space inside him. A space which had widened and deepened with the passing months until he now thought of himself as a thing entirely hollow and without substance.
“I know I’m Lady Macbeth,” Lisa said. “And you’re going to hate me for saying this but when they ask the follow up question just lie. It’s a small lie which you’re allowed because you’re a good, hard working public servant who has never done anything to discredit your office.”
Of course she was right. Following his heart was never a realistic strategy. He was as ambitious as she in his own way. “Okay. I’ll make a statement.”
“Do you want me to call Elaine?” Lisa said, pressing him to action. “Get her to set something up for tomorrow morning and then your staff can issue a statement.”
“Okay,” he said again.
“Are you staying tonight?” He asked when she had finished speaking to Elaine and clicked shut her phone.
“I guess I won’t. I don’t want to disturb Josh while he’s sick.” She hesitated. “Have you spoken to him about this?”
“No. I thought the one heart attack was enough for this week.”
“But maybe you should. He’d understand. Maybe you should suggest you don’t see each other for a while. Not while you’re being watched by everyone.”
Sam looked at his shoes. It made sense.
Lisa put on her coat. She had hardly stayed for half an hour and yet this was the longest conversation they had had in years.
“I’ll call mom and the girls tomorrow,” he said. “Will you tell them?”
“Of course.” She hugged him. “It’ll be okay, really it will. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He watched from the window as Lisa walked away, her work done, his career saved once again.
