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looking after em, cont’d


part three


Sam telephoned Karen that night. He talked to her for a long time, his pain flattened under a level tonelessness. Without telling her why, he questioned her closely about the detail of her life, her history, her views on certain subjects, her intentions and ambitions. That she allowed the intrusion told me she had guessed the purpose of the questions.

He finally told her that he had decided not to adopt Em because he wouldn’t be able to combine caring for her with his work and asked her if she was still interested in making an application.

Evidently she said ‘yes’ as he invited her to DC on Sunday to discuss the process and meet Em again.

I must have been in my own thoughts because I didn’t notice Sam come to me when he had finished the call and wrap his arms around me. We held each other until a tiny cry from the bedroom told us that Em was awake again.

Over the next two days Sam became quiet and stoic, doing all the things he did when he was pain. He pulled the shutters down and no one got in. No one but Em. When she was awake he lit up, spending all of his time playing games with her, making her laugh, talking to her. Then he was gone again, sometimes spending hours watching her sleep.

To be honest, I wasn’t handling it much better. It was hard being at work knowing I was missing out on our last few days with our girl but it was almost worse being at home when it hurt just to look at her.

On Sunday I went to meet Karen’s train. When she arrived she was glowing with excitement and impatient to see Em. She told me she had found an attorney who advised that the best thing she could do was take Em as soon as possible and start the application from a position of advantage. Sam had got similar advice from his lawyer and had talked it through with social services.

Em was almost asleep when we reached Sam’s apartment. They were waiting for us in Em’s favourite place by the window, she dozing in Sam’s arms. Sam stood to meet us, and if Karen had missed my sombre mood, there was no way she could mistake his.

He shook her hand and introduced himself. “I tried to wait until you got here before I fed her, but she was getting pretty hungry so I didn’t think I should…and now she’s just about asleep.”

I knew Karen was desperate to hold Em, because she had told me so in the car, but she was stopped by Sam’s tone. She looked at him for a moment and then said lightly. “Well, you couldn’t leave her hungry, poor thing.”

“She’ll be up again soon, she doesn’t sleep much during the day.” I offered because Sam didn’t seem able to answer her. “Can I get you a drink, or some coffee?”

“Thanks, Josh. Anything. Coffee.” I went into the kitchen and for a moment neither of them spoke, then Karen said. “I was so sorry to hear about Sally and Mrs Seaborn. I only met Sally and she was a lovely person. She was very kind to me and my mother.” Sam thanked her and they drifted into silence again until Karen said. “I forgot how beautiful Emma is, all I have are a few photos from our trip.”

“She keeps growing all this hair,” said Sam, making an effort. “Josh says she’s a throwback.”

“That’s my side I’m afraid. We’re a hairy family and it only gets worse. All our home movies are called the Planet of the Apes.” The quiet descended again. “Don’t keep her up for me Sam, she looks about ready to go to bed.”

“Yeah, she is,” Sam replied. “I’ll just take her into the…her cribs in the bedroom.”

Karen came into the kitchen. Her happy mood had evaporated. “Josh, he’s changed his mind. Has he changed his mind?”

“No he hasn’t, he really hasn’t.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, he’s just a bit…you know…this is hard.”

“Josh, I feel like Cruella de Ville and he doesn’t actually seem like a person who gives a toss about his long working hours. I think he’d give up his life for that baby never mind his job.”

I paused before saying. “Well you’re right about that. But he can’t adopt her.”

“Why not? Is this something I need to know about?”

“No. I mean it’s not about Em.”

“Then is it because of your relationship? The two of you.”

“What!” I squeaked.

“Well, you know what I mean, because you’re together or…”

“Karen, who told you that?”

“No one, but I’m not blind.”

I put my hand on her arm. “No one knows.”

“Seriously? You’re joking.”

“No one knows. You know. Fuck.”

“That’s why he can’t adopt, because you guys aren’t out?”

“No,” I said. “That’s not it. We were planning to come out, move in together, so we could be a proper family for Em. But apparently that would make it worse.”

“But I thought…”

“In practise gay men get to adopt confused teenage boys, not baby girls.” I had looked into it myself by then and there was really no doubt.

“Oh Josh. Then no wonder Sam hates me.”

“He doesn’t, its just she gets under your skin and you find you can’t...”

“And you love her too, don’t you?”

“Karen, I’m keeping it together here, but only just.”

“Sorry…” She gathered her hair and pushed it to one side. “Sorry.”

“Sure. It’s the way it is.”

“Look, you guys take your time. Bring her to me when you’re ready.”

But there wasn’t ever going to be a good time to give Em up and we arranged that Sam and I would bring her to New York with all her things the following Saturday.

We hired a van and made an early start. Em was wide-awake for most of the drive. Sitting in her car-seat between us she entertained herself watching the colours of the world go by and singing her Em-songs. But as we neared the city she started crying for no reason, which just wasn’t like her. Nothing will persuade me that she didn’t know something big was happening.

Karen lived in an apartment block in Brooklyn and she was waiting for us on the steps of her building. Sam put Em, still crying, into her arms.

“One baby, no waiting,” he said, determinedly cheerful. “They said at the warehouse, you wanted one extra-hairy.”

“Hello little one, no need to cry.” Karen hugged Em and whispered to her and she eventually stopped crying. “I hope they sent the instruction booklet,” she said nervously.

Sam and I brought Em’s things up to the apartment. While I set up her crib, Karen and Em listened attentively while Sam showed Karen how to care for Em, explaining her little quirks and preferences as he went along.

We had decided to stay for the day, to give Em a chance to get used to the new face and so, while she slept, we talked.

“Guess who this is from?” Karen held up a teddy bear. “Rick. He also signed the forms relinquishing parental rights, all by return of post.”

“So no unnecessary soul-searching there,” I said.

“Truthfully I think he’d let her be raised by a kindly she-wolf if he thought she wouldn’t ask him for any money.”

Sam dug about in one of Em’s boxes and came out with a toy rabbit.

“Guess who this is from?” He asked. “The President of the United States.”

“All right, you win,” she said, giggling infectiously. There was something familiar about her smile and I suddenly got a picture of what Em would look like when she was older.

“Are you going to stay in this place?” I asked, it was nice enough but tiny, even by New York City standards, and not really suitable for a child once it had got mobile.

“I’ll make a decision when the adoptions finished with,” she said. “I’m thinking that I might go home. Back to England, I mean. Because I’ve got my sisters there and my friends. Out here it might be a bit lonely with a baby when I don’t know that many people…” She looked at us and changed track. “But I haven’t made up my mind. I’ll just take it as it comes.”

I didn’t know how much contact we would have with Em as she grew up but I couldn’t contemplate having her on the other side of an ocean. It didn’t bear thinking about. I knew from Sam’s expression he was thinking the same thing.

When Em woke, we went out to get some lunch and afterwards as the day was mild to the local park and zoo. Then as it neared Em’s bedtime the only thing we could do was leave her and Karen to start their life together. It was almost the hardest thing I had ever had to do especially as Em started crying again with the same nameless unhappiness as we kissed her goodbye.

********************

Sam’s apartment seemed empty without Em. Without the chaos that seemed to accumulate around her it was back to being Sam’s spare and ordered space which at that moment was profoundly depressing.

I remembered the hotel room I had stayed in with my parents after a fire had burned down our house and killed my sister. It was almost the only thing I could remember about that day. I could still see my parents sitting on the edge of the bed in that soulless room, my mother with her hands folded in her lap. They had stayed that way forever, or so it seemed to my child’s eyes, but only now did I begin to understand how they felt. Sam and me, sitting side by side on the couch, were just the same, unable to make a decision about what to do next. I couldn’t remember what it was we used to do before Em came along and for hours we did nothing. Until it became very late and Sam took my hand and said, “we should probably get some sleep.”

The next day was Sunday and we went into work. Sam beginning to catch up on everything he had missed and me just working because if I was working I wasn’t thinking.

It was a predictably difficult day. I kept finding Sam staring into space with a briefing note or a cold cup of coffee in his hand. And I kept getting on the wrong side of Donna until we yelled at each other and she went home.

I looked at my watch at one point and it was 10pm. I hadn’t noticed the time passing and when I looked at my screen I saw that the email I was writing hadn’t changed in almost an hour.

I shut down the computer, picked up my coat and bag and went round to Communications. Sam was in Toby’s office with CJ and Toby. The other two were fighting about something but it was going over Sam’s head.

“Want to get a drink, Sam?” I asked, which was one of our codes for, ‘lets go home’.

He got his coat and we said goodnight to Toby and CJ who stopped speaking to watch us leave.

At Sam’s place when we had poured ourselves a drink Sam said. “Toby knows about us. He’s guessed.”

Four weeks ago I would have cared about that. “Did he say something?”

“Not to me, to CJ. I overheard because I was outside his office looking for a paper in the thing. She said; ‘Josh is just taking care of Sam, they’ve been friends forever.’ And Toby said; ‘Do you think that’s all there is to it?’ and then I think they realised I was there. But when I came back from California I told him I was quitting my job and now I’m going round telling everyone I’m not adopting Em because of my job. He’d work it out, you know what he’s like, he’s a dog with a bone.”

“Do you want to talk to him? You can talk to him.”

“I don’t want to decide anything when I feel like this.”

“Okay.”

“Why? Do you want to tell people?”

I thought about it. “I want to live with you, Sam. You know, properly. I’m fed up of talking in code and flirting with Donna. I can’t even remember why we were keeping it a secret. I mean, whose really going to care even if they take any notice.” Sam blinked and didn’t say anything. “I just proposed to you. Say something.”

“Stop flirting with Donna.”

“Sam!”

He took my hand and smiled. “Let’s just be for a while. I want to be with you too, never doubt that. And maybe someday soon we can take out a half-page ad in the Washington Post or have a parade. But now I don’t want to be stared at and talked about I just want to go to work and be with you, mourn for my family and think about our girl some times.”

So we got through the days like that. It did get easier though it never got easy and when you’re working the type of jobs we worked there was plenty of scope for blocking out the more painful emotions. But that didn’t mean I didn’t find Sam staring at Em’s photograph in the early hours of the morning and it didn’t mean I didn’t do the same sometimes.

Over the next few months we heard from Karen regularly. She emailed as she reached each stage in the adoption process and gave us little updates on Em’s progress. Em had cried for hours the first night without us but since then, she had become her normal happy self, growing like a triffid and free of any concerns about the latest disappearances from her life.

Karen also sent photographs. One of them was of me, Sam and Em at the zoo. We hadn’t realised that Karen had taken it and it was of Sam and me laughing as Em came face to face with her first horse in the petting zoo. It was the one picture of the three of us together and I kept it at work, assuming that no one would notice it in the chaos that was my desk. But one day I found it in a small frame next to my phone. When Donna patently knew nothing about it the only thing I could think of was that Toby had waited for me in my office the previous evening when I was late for a meeting.

It was good to get these updates from Karen but every email and envelope brought the possibility that she would announce she was planning to leave the country and they were all opened with a certain amount of trepidation. This wasn’t helped by the impression that we were beginning to get that Karen was deliberately keeping a physical distance between Em and ourselves. When we had invited her up to visit she hadn’t been able to make it and on the one occasion we were able to get to New York she was busy. It was confusing as she seemed to be well-disposed to us apart from that.

Two days after the court issued the final decree granting the adoption we received a letter purporting to be from Em, and including a photograph of her smiling widely and showing off her now comprehensive collection of teeth.

Dear Uncle Sam and Uncle Josh

I saw Uncle Sam on the TV last night and must take issue with your policy on bilateral trade relations. You can keep your bananas. On the other hand - nice tie.

On Sunday I will be visiting you. I’m owed several cuddles and I am coming to claim them. I will be on the 11 o’clock train and will be bringing that strange person you left me with, the one who talks funny and drinks all the tea. Tell her if another day is better.

Love, little Em

PS be careful I now bite.

We stared at the letter. It was different from the others. Not only was Karen offering to bring Em to see us, she was saying that she was definitely going to. This was a letter with an objective.

“She’s going home,” I said. “She’s coming to tell us, she’s going back to England.”

“Yes. And she might as well,” said Sam bitterly. “If she’s not going to let us see her, she might as well take her to the moon.”

“So England’s not far, we’ll be able to keep up with her? Right?”

“Right,” he said doubtfully.

“Sam, this just gets worse.” And Sam got up and stuck the photograph next to another on the fridge and looked at it for a while.

By Sunday morning we were hopelessly stressed and as we waited for Karen’s train we argued pointlessly about a minute clause in the tax bill. But Karen and Em were all matching smiles when we met them and Em gave a little shout when she saw us.

“She remembers you, that’s amazing, they’re not supposed to at this age,” Karen said, cheerfully handing Em to me and giving Sam a hug. “Please say you guys a hungry, I’m starving.”

She had a way of making me feel that things were actually all right despite all the evidence to the contrary. I fussed over Em who seemed to have doubled in size since I’d last seen her. When we talked she joyfully strung together lots of new sounds I’d never heard before and I think an actual word or two. I gave her to Sam and put my arms around Karen. “What’ll it be then? Shepherds Pie with internal organs of some kind?”

“Well, we’re in America now, it ought to be a whole entire cow.”

We compromised with eggs and found somewhere for brunch. Em was now eating real food of sorts and it was my job to feed it to her as this apparently would be funniest. There were predictable consequences for my white T-shirt.

Em was obviously happy, she was interested in everything and all set to talk. She could pull herself up on to her feet and would soon be walking. She was thriving and it occurred to me that while things hadn’t worked out great for Sam and me they had worked out fine for Em. She and Karen got on famously and Karen was gentle and practical with her in a way that would stand her in good stead as she got older.

Later Karen gave Em to Sam and she reacquainted herself with him as she drank from her bottle, holding it with her own hands. She studied him with eyes sad and solemn in reflection of his.

“I’ve actually got something to talk to you about,” Karen said then. Sam and I glanced at each other and she laughed. “Well, don’t look like that, you look like the last puppies in the pound.” It was extraordinarily hard to take yourself seriously when Karen was around. Even Sam laughed when I knew he was preparing to have his heart stamped on once again.

“I’m not sure how this is going to sound, so I’ll just say it.” She paused for a moment. “The first night that I had Emma with me, she cried for hours. I don’t think she could have understood that she was missing you but she was. When she stopped, in the early hours of the morning, it was probably more out of exhaustion than anything. But I held her and we saw the day in together and I suddenly realised that this was actually happening, that I had been given this incredible gift.

“I couldn’t forget, though, that the reason I had her was because of poor Sally, which was an accident but also because she had been taken away from the two of you through a terrible injustice.”

We both started to speak, to reassure her but she stopped us. “No, its okay, I just want to say this. The other injustice was that Em was going to be deprived of having you two as fathers. Which I’d say is almost a crime.” I couldn’t get where this was going but it suddenly didn’t seem like England.

“Anyway, so I started to feel that I should do something about it, for Em’s sake as well as yours. I couldn’t do anything before because I didn’t want Social Services to be thinking anything funny was going on, they were already asking me loads of questions about Sam as it was. But now I’ve got the all clear what I thought was this and obviously you’ll need to think about it. I want you to be Em’s fathers.” She looked at us for our reaction. “What I mean is, you’ll always be the uncles, whatever happens; you’ll see her if you want to and all of those things. That’s not the question. But if you agreed to be her fathers, I’ll move to DC. I’ve looked into it and my job can transfer without any problem. You’ll see her as much as you can, as much as your work allows and when she can say words, she’ll call you dad.” Sam and I were both just staring at her by this point.

“I don’t want anything from you as far as money goes, I’m perfectly capable of supporting her and there would be two rules. First, she’s my responsibility, I have the final say on anything to do with her. Second, we all have to agree to stay in the same city as she’s growing up. I know stuff happens but I don’t want her to get attached to you and then you take off to work for the President of Uruguay. Or if you do, then we go with you. That’s the only thing I’m asking from you, and I’ll stick to it too, I won’t go home. The rest we can work out as we go along.” She stopped talking and looked at us for a reaction and when neither of us spoke she said. “Anyway, that’s my cunning plan. Think about it and let me know.”

Sam and I looked at each other. I was waiting for him to speak and he was reading my mind. He said, still looking at me. “We can move you up next Saturday.”

“Yeah,” I said, taking out my phone. “The other apartment in my house is empty. I’ll call the…place, we could probably go and view it now.”

“Its unfurnished isn’t it Josh? Karen, do you have your own furniture? Because we could go and order anything you need now and I’ve got some stuff in storage.”

I was waiting for my phone to answer. “Sam, that guy who did your place, do you think he’d be able to decorate over the week? Because it’s nice but it needs a coat of paint.”

“Yeah, I bet he could. But if it’s not ready you could stay at my apartment and we’ll stay at Josh’s until it is.”

“Sam, we should talk to Jo about day care, for when you’re at work Karen. She’s not cheap but we can help with the cost, because she’s really recommended.”

Karen looked from me to Sam and back again and then said to Em. “We’ll take that as a yes then.”

End of part three


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