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dippy blond inside story affair

by marjatta


The real story behind that annoying Dippy Blond episode.


Many fans, especially Napoleon-addicts have been severely tried by this episode. Napoleon seems so *mean* to poor Illya.


Napoleon had been strangely preoccupied lately. Sometimes half the day would go by without his noticing the time. His attention to meals wasn't normal. The usual pastimes weren't interesting. He was less aware of his surroundings and thinking to himself a lot. Mostly about things that annoyed him. Mostly about Illya.

One thing that annoyed him was that he couldn't say why these thoughts were so constantly with him. Mainly, it seemed that Illya was ignoring him. That was irritating. So Napoleon kept looking for ways to demand Illya's attention. He waited for Illya in the UNCLE cafeteria every day at precisely noon. Illya only showed up half the time and didn't seem to expect Napoleon or realize he was being waited for. But they had met for lunch before, so why shouldn't it become a habit? He had suggested they have dinner together on a random Friday evening. Illya was too tired. He dropped by Illya's Brooklyn apartment because "he was in the neighborhood," and although Illya was polite, he certainly wasn't enthusiastic about his visitor (at least no one else was there). Napoleon left in twenty minutes. When Illya mentioned one afternoon that he wanted to get to a bookstore before it closed that evening, Napoleon offered to drive, but Illya said it wasn't necessary; he could easily take the bus.

Napoleon seethed. He hated being brushed off. Even ill-bred Russians should be able to understand that when someone offers to be helpful, it is only polite to accept. The last straw came when he actually finished all the paperwork for their last assignment leaving only the parts that had to be completed by Illya.

He had expected Illya to express something -- appreciation? surprise? a teasing remark? So what if doing the paperwork was expected of both them? This was a first for Napoleon to take on so much of it without complaint. ... Illya said nothing.

He wouldn't have been able to explain it, but who has to explain such things? People interact. They don't just glide through life. You hate, you fight, you love, you need. If you know someone, you have a feeling about them. Passivity is for inanimate objects. Napoleon wasn't going to stand for it from his own partner, of all people, much longer. Illya would just have to deal with it.

Yesterday Waverly put them on field assignment again. Napoleon was a little relieved, hoping to get rid of some of this annoying preoccupation (which was Illya's fault). But the infiltration went badly, Napoleon ended up chained to the wall (normally an embarrassing situation), and then some cueball Thrush ordered his dippy blond airhead girlfriend to snuff him out. He should have been worried, but he was too annoyed that Illya hadn't rescued him, yet.

Fortunately, the girlfriend was the squeamish type and decided, after thinking about it, that she had moral principles. Almost belatedly, Napoleon remembered to give her his best puppy-dog look, and she held off the trigger until that other airhead blond finally made his appearance. Must have gone for a walk around the lake! Napoleon was royally not-amused. You'd think a partner would get better assistance.

Then Illya had the nerve to leave him chained to the wall just a little longer. Well, maybe his objection in this case wasn't wise since the cueball almost gained the upper hand. It happened when Napoleon carelessly broke Illya's concentration with a complaint, but too bad. It was Illya's fault that he had a complaint. The Russian should have had his mind more tuned in to his partner. Fortunately, the girlfriend decided to switch to the winning side, and all ended well as it should....

So they took the female airhead back to headquarters. Napoleon found her quite infuriating. His latest test for dating material was, could she name the vice president of the United States? He suspected this JoJo would fail the test, but he wasn't in the mood to try her. Maybe he was getting mature, but looks and a well-curved body just weren't everything anymore.

They questioned her. She tried to weasel out of any responsibility in the events just transpired around her latest boyfriend. Illya had earlier suggested that she might be helpful in snaring the perpetrators of this latest Thrush plot, and of course, that was the beginning of an excellent plan.

They proceeded by instinct. Napoleon knew his part well. He listened, and then he demoralized the defenseless young thing by pointing out the facts to her without actually threatening her or even looking mean. By the time Illya walked in, she understood she was on thin ice. But Napoleon became distracted. Although he had been in full psychological assault mode a moment earlier, he involuntarily switched immediately to sympathetic gentleman mode as soon as Illya made his entrance. He couldn't explain the logic of the action, but if it might irritate Illya, then his partner deserved it. Still, JoJo was almost more than Napoleon could take. It was hard to keep up the sympathetic act. Talk about nuisance assignments.

JoJo committed to her part of the plan with a little nudging from Mr. Waverly. Napoleon wondered momentarily if he give Waverly enough credit in the female manipulation department. With her old boyfriend, Pendleton, gone, apparently by suicide pill, JoJo was supposed to work on Baldinado's apparent attraction for her. She made the transfer from one Thrush goon to the next with amazing ease.

Baldinado was obviously way too starved for female attention -- no surprise, either, to look at him. Napoleon got to follow JoJo, of course, while Illya went into the hot spot, the Thrush lab. This was the usual division of labor according to their skills assessment profiles. Napoleon made one contact with JoJo while she was in an exclusive ladies' fashion store. Fortunately, duty had managed to distract Baldinado at least momentarily so that Solo could slip in, send a befuddled sales clerk to look in the stockroom for some lingerie in "puce" //nice work, Napoleon//, and speak to JoJo through a dressing room door.

It was perhaps a good thing JoJo lacked the imagination to perceive exactly what she was involved in. Napoleon gladly left to rejoin his partner in the car.

The UNCLE agents then separated. Everything had been going smoothly, and the assignment was distracting enough for Napoleon's needs. He continued to track JoJo who was wired for sound and had to listen to Baldinado prattle about wanting to laugh and dance like some of his subordinates. He even said he didn't want to kill anymore! Now there was a news item. Napoleon, however, was rapidly getting edgy and almost ready to kill right then and there.

Meanwhile Illya followed Pendleton's body to the cemetery and the Thrush lab there. Ascending the tower inside the building, he was seen by guards, the alarm was sounded, and suddenly he was trapped. Then nothing happened for a while. The whole situation was almost surreal, and he didn't have a strong sense of danger -- yet. Stuck inside the tower, Illya's mind wandered. He was puzzled by his partner's behavior of late. Napoleon normally exuded an annoyingly positive, straightforward outlook on life, but lately, he was downright snippy, irritable, and even morose, it seemed, especially -- Illya might have thought if he were inclined to insecure feelings -- toward himself. Illya couldn't imagine what he might have done to earn such treatment. After all, he had been performing on the job to the best of his abilities as always, so he assumed it was lady trouble.

That wasn't exactly comforting, however, since serious lady trouble could result in larger issues, even for partners. He decided that he'd have to pin Napoleon down on this one as soon as the assignment was over. Napoleon was always so busy during his off-hours, but maybe Illya could catch him at lunch and take him over to a quiet corner. They'd run into each other at the cafeteria a few times lately. It might work.

To top it off, Illya thought, JoJo was as irritating as the worst of Napoleon's dates in memory. He realized that his partner wasn't looking for a life-mate and could respond quite happily to mere appearances, but there had to be a limit. JoJo was a complete and utter airhead. How could his partner stand talking to her for even one minute? Somehow Illya couldn't help being just a little insulted that any partner of his could want to be in JoJo's company for any reason. That this same partner was supposed to be a very good friend made it even more aggravating. Worse than aggravating. He should teach Napoleon a lesson about having some self-respect for himself, not to mention for his partner as well, when choosing his recreational company. That made sense, didn't it? Illya had a standard to keep up. What Napoleon did with his time impacted on Illya's reputation. Partners got to be judged over time by each other's qualities.

Napoleon should focus on intelligent and well-cultivated women, and Illya intended to inform him of this. Well, to be honest, Napoleon wasn't actually dating JoJo now. It was all part of the assignment. But he'd probably date her soon enough.

Suddenly Thrush was back. Illya was good and trapped. Where was that partner of his? Illya decided it was time to make his distress call and surprised even himself with an uncharacteristically personal expression of impending doom: "I hate to trouble you with trivia, but I think I'm about to get killed. And it struck me that you might want to say good-bye." He hadn't thought out the words before he said them. They were rather odd. No matter. The situation seemed to warrant the words, and it didn't hurt to help Napoleon feel guilty once in a while.

When Illya's communicator message ended, Napoleon just happened to be in a similarly distressing position. He suddenly could feel a gun muzzle pressing against his scalp. Talk about timing. He hoped his deliberately squeaky "good-bye" over the communicator in answer to Illya's hint might convey something of the nature of the situation on his end. Probably not. Illya never got any of his other "messages." Why should he be less obtuse understanding this one?

They were nevertheless in trouble and needed to focus on the present problem. Yet, he couldn't help but dwell on Illya's unbusinesslike expression of personal disaster. Suggesting that Napoleon should "want to say good-bye" indeed! Perhaps just a little melodramatic? What did Illya want from him? Was Illya mellowing in his old age, becoming more willing to express feelings casually? Not too likely. Then Napoleon began to fret over what sort of danger had prompted Illya to think of quite that line of communication. Was it deadly serious or not? Damn. Illya was definitely more complicated to read than any woman he'd ever dated.

Meanwhile, Illya had to admit that the situation here and now demanded attention. He was trapped in the tower lab by approaching Thrushies. Sure enough, now that Illya was in trouble, Napoleon didn't seem to be doing a thing about it. What was that "good-bye" about? Did he think Illya was joking? Illya was certain his request for help was crystal clear, and he was sure it was JoJo's fault this was becoming a bad day.


If it turned out that Napoleon really did ignore his predicament while being involved with JoJo, he'd make him pay with interest. Illya began determining appropriate punishments in one part of his mind while the other part stayed alert of approaching enemy. He considered various tacks. Ignore Napoleon for a week. His partner would go insane if he couldn't get a conversation out of him. Don't show up for lunch in the cafeteria for days on end. Talk to other people instead -- in front of Napoleon. Well, maybe he wouldn't be *that* cruel unless Napoleon didn't respond well to the first two treatments. He spared just a moment's thought for the peculiar way Napoleon seemed to have different expectations of him than anyone else did. Then, he heard the enemy ascending the tower stairs toward him. Oh, yes, have to take care of the Thrush goons.

Napoleon was quite stunned by Baldinado's happy obsession with JoJo. Well, they made a handsome pair of losers. Misery loves company and all that. He needed, no more nor any less, to manipulate this ill-bred man's feelings for a bimbo he'd just met in order to get to his partner, and it wasn't very difficult to do at all! At least, Napoleon didn't think so. In a short time, he had convinced a Thrush boss to kill, if necessary, his own underlings, in order to deliver a well-trapped UNCLE agent, unharmed as specified, to his partner. For a few moments, Napoleon wasn't so sure, but then he gained control of his confrontation with Baldinado. Well, JoJo deserved a little credit. She was helping by playing her part to the best of her instinctive ability. She even knocked Baldinado's aim away from Napoleon at a crucial moment which made the decisive difference in that little scene, and whom did she do that for? It was true, she had been honestly upset by the unexpected revelation of Baldinado's presumed murder of Pendleton, her old boyfriend. But the upshot was that the tables became truly turned, and Napoleon gained the upper hand. Napoleon would have been smug about this turn of events if he weren't so relieved.

It was almost over. Napoleon waited in the car with JoJo. They were now Baldinado's watchdogs and cheerleader squad, it seemed, while he went in to fetch his partner. Shortly, Baldinado came out with Illya who for some odd reason didn't comprehend that Napoleon had actually arranged for his rescue by a Thrush boss. It just happened to be raining hard. This, as it happened, may have made it somewhat easier for Illya to overpower his hapless deliverer, not that it mattered much anymore.

Somewhere deep inside, Napoleon was proud of his partner's outstanding defensive skills and dogged determination, but he'd be damned if he'd show it right now. JoJo had again been trying to flirt the whole time they had been waiting in the car (she had run out of Thrush men, after all), and now he deliberately escalated the stakes exponentially by pulling her into an enthusiastic kiss, just in time for Illya to approach the car looking like a drowned cat. He just couldn't shake his ongoing resentment.

But JoJo was JoJo and never anyone else. Dippy, mindless, money-grubbing JoJo. Asking him about his salary benefits, honestly! It was how she made a living, so to speak. It wasn't Napoleon's idea of living, no matter what others thought of him. And it was then that Illya said to him his second inexplicable and uncharacteristic remark of this assignment. A question: Did they work well together? If only he knew! But it was odd how Illya said that. At first, Napoleon thought he was being angry and sarcastic, but no, it didn't seem so. They'd have to ditch JoJo quickly and get Illya into dry clothes, and then he'd talk to him after their report to Waverly. Maybe this time Illya would consent to dinner, just to unwind.

*************
Illya was indeed having a rough day. It was a miracle that that Max character had managed to miss him entirely when he fired from close range in the cemetery. Now that he'd finally escaped, there, predictably, was Napoleon necking with JoJo in the car. Never mind that he was supposed to be watching her. And also, most assuredly, Napoleon was blithely unaware that his partner had just saved him from likely execution by a jealous lover, that Baldinado creep. Nevermind that the distraction caused by Napoleon's actions with JoJo had effectively allowed said partner to surprise and overpower his Thrush captor. The usual story.

Illya was too drained at the moment to be very disgusted about JoJo making out with Napoleon. Maybe he'd settle just for separating her physically from his partner in a short while. He didn't feel like letting Napoleon keep the girl tonight. Perhaps a simple surgery would do it. Then they could wrap up and discard this maddening affair in peace and quiet. Sometimes it was the little things and the private moments that counted the most. At least, that's what he'd heard. Napoleon got out into the rain and opened the back car door for him. It was a good start.

The End (maybe)


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