Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!

Why Wiccans Suck

I have no problem with Wicca. It's the Wiccans I can't stand.^*

============================================

The time has come when I can hold my tongue no longer.

Every day I see "Wiccans" defile the religion of Wicca, just as "Christians" have defiled Christianity.

I used to be Wiccan. Used to be. It's important to note that I moved on to other things a few years ago. And below are a few of the reasons why I left.

Read, take heed, and honestly ask yourself if you are part of the problem.

immaturity

"Christianity sucks. I quit." So, you want to rebel? You might consider a complete 180, right down to devil-worship and black magic... but you don't have the guts to go that far, since you're still secretly terrified of going to Hell.
Hey, Wicca is perfect! It's actually not that evil, but your family doesn't know that. You can creep everyone out and keep your soul safe at the same time!

"Look at me, I'm a witch!" That oh-so-dangerous leap out of the broom closet, which usually occurs within the first week you buy a book about Wicca. You want to let everyone know about your change of religion, for some godawful reason, especially parents and authority figures. Religious beliefs can't possibly live quietly inside of your own head, they have to be shared! (But you aren't pushy about it, oh no... don't you just hate those Jehova's Witnesses?)
You don your little pentacle necklace and wear it in public, just -itching- for someone to walk up to you and start an argument. Then you'll be able to correct them about dozens of things you've learned word-for-word.... ("Male witches aren't called warlocks!") Oh! Don't you just love the attention you get?

If you don't want to step out of the broom closet, there are still various ways to stick a toe out the door for each of the people you want to impress and/or frighten. (Like wearing your pentacle -under- your shirt, on a short chain, so it'll slide into view if you shift just right. Or you can wear gothed- or hippied-out clothing and say "Oh, Goddess!" every five minutes. Or you can call your cat a familiar and your cookbook a grimoire [accidentally, of course] ...the list goes on.)

"Better not tick me off..." Sure, very few "Wiccans" would actually say this, but there are plenty who will gladly imply it. And they'll bind someone they don't like without a second thought -- always to something "for their own good" so that whole threefold thing doesn't apply.

By the way, did you know that the Wiccan threefold law applies to everyone, whether Wiccan or not? And at the same time, Wiccans won't go to Hell because they don't believe in one.

"Wicca is a peaceful, tolerant religion... compared to, say, Christianity." Soon you figure out that you can insult your religious supressors (who are all secretly out to get you) and feel holier-than-thou at the same time! You can blame them for everything from the Inquisition to teenage pregnancy. Impress a group of Wiccans [by saying that you were born on October 31, or that a ghost lives in your house, or that you can see auras (which you secretly suspect might be retinal burn)] and suddenly you're lifelong friends who all have something in common... Christian-bashing. And now when the kids at school make fun of you, it's not because you're fat, ugly, shy, wear braces/glasses, or are part of the wrong clique... it's because they're religiously intolerant, those unenlightened fools.

"It's a witch thing. You wouldn't understand." You get to feel oh-so-self-righteous by knowing all the little nuances of the unseen world (even though you can't tell us anything about the Qabalah, the Goetia, or the aethyral heirarchy). Your advanced state of enlightenment usually consists of a whole lot of preaching about "balance of light and dark," "karma," "harm none," and anything else that makes you feel more holy than those plebeian mundanes. I cannot count how many times I've asked a Wiccan a question that ended up in a long string of conversation designed to find out if I'm "worthy to know that"....

Do you have a surplus of rose petals and red candles? Get a clue. There's a reason you don't have a boyfriend, and it sure ain't the quality of your spells. Try dying your hair back to its natural color. Lower your nose and stop preaching. Try smiling for once (smirking doesn't count).

The "witchier-than-thou" complex. Soon after you become a witch, you ask your mother, "Has anything weird ever happened to you?" And she'll tell you about the time she thought Uncle Herbert was going to call, and, five minutes later, he did! "Aha!" you'll think, "It's genetic!" In a burst of clarity, you suddenly realize that your mother was a repressed witch; your grandmother was a witch; your great-grandmother got burned at the stake in the Salem Witch Trials; and your other relatives were all Celtic, so you should probably start wearing those nifty knotwork rings.

misconceptions

Oh, about your great-grandmother -- there were no witches in Salem, just a single dark-skinned woman practicing her native religion. And by the way, no "witch" has ever been burned at the stake in America. (For more historical corrections that tend to annoy/anger Wiccans, look here.)

About that Celtic knotwork -- most of the Bible-hating Wiccans I know would be horrified to learn that it was famous for being used to fill in the margins of old Christian (yes, Christian) illuminated manuscripts. (And "other stuff, too" -- added to satiate the nitpickers. Note that I've never found any of this "other stuff" to involve witchcraft.) Any "meanings" you've read for certain designs have only been recently invented as marketing/sales tactics.
(BTW, to those Wiccans claiming to be Celtic: it was a culture, not a bloodline. And if you had some Celts in your family's background some thousands of years ago? Big deal. My ancestors invented fire and the wheel, but why the heck would I want to brag about it?)

"Christianity stole lots of stuff from us, and then they nearly wiped us out!" For some obscure reason, you equate ancient paganism with Wicca. If it had anything to do with nature or females, by gum, it must have been some early branch of Wicca!
Despite the fact that Wicca is only about 50 years old (which means it wasn't even invented until many years after Salem's trials) every fluffy believes wholeheartedly that Wicca is based on a secret religion that's somehow been hidden from the civilized world for thousands of years. (Even the Burning Times left no record of it!)
I can honestly understand the growth of these myths in the 60's and 70's, when the rebellious teens were always in a highly-suggestible state of mind, but you should know better than to be that gullible. For more on the origins of your own effing religion, see the links page. Or read my no-BS History of Wicca page. (Unless you're still content to believe what your Ravenwolf-reading friends tell you to think about history.)

"Just as long as I believe in the five elements, Wicca is anything I want it to be!" Absolutely NOT! Just as you can't add a green-skinned, three-eyed goddess statue to your communion altar and keep calling yourself "Catholic," neither can you mutilate "Wicca" to mean anything you'd like.
If you'd ever read Wicca's 161 laws, you'd know that you're not supposed to claim Wicca as a religion -- in fact, you're supposed to preach that witchcraft is evil and deny that you practice it. But then you wouldn't be able to campaign for Sabbats off at work or send angry letters to your senators... let alone wear plate-sized pentacles to get attention!
But I don't expect any of this to change your mind. After all, every lonely Wiccan knows that all of that 13-member coven skyclad stuff is totally optional.

"So you're saying that we should practice Gardnerian Wicca down to the letter? How ignorant! One of the best things about Wicca is that we can be diverse and flexible!!!" Being "flexible" requires a starting point. Try to get some knowledge of what your religion was based on before you start grabbing and tossing like you're at a buffet table.

"It's called being 'eclectic'!!!" From what I've seen, "Eclectic Wicca" is one percent Wicca and ninety-nine percent "make it up as I go along." Anything that you don't like gets thrown out. Getting spanked with a stick some forty times sounds too kinky? Forget the symbolism, just throw it out. Don't want twelve other people to see you naked? Just go buy a book called Solitary Wicca instead, and nevermind all that stuff about a witch's power being blocked by cloth. The Horned God looks too scary? Forget Him, just ignore that half of the religion. Everything agressive and masculine and dark should be avoided, not revered, right? If you can call yourself a "witch" then you can call yourself "eclectic," too, and be a Wiccan without actually following any of the Wiccan religion.

So you like to throw in some Buddhism and Native American dancing into your religion? Good for you. I actually have no problem with that. But please, please...! If you do this stuff, don't call yourself "Wiccan"! Say you have "some Wiccan influence." Do you want Wicca to become as muddled and corrupted as other religions???
[I recall seeing a particularly disturbing picture on a fluffy's webpage: a yin-yang with the caption "Another symbol they stole from us!" This is not a good sign, people.]

"So how am I supposed to know what's Wiccan and what's not?" Read some of Gardner's books. See if they mention anything at all about how to make macrame' and aromatherapy shampoo, eh? And remember: Most "Wiccans" are not practicing Wicca at all.
Like you, they've only read about some watered-down, feelgood version of anti-Xian nature-worship that an author is promoting under the title of "Wicca." The author has taken out everything from the original version of Wicca that she doesn't agree with; her readers will scrap anything from her books that they don't think feels quite right; and the people they "teach" will walk away with a completely distorted concept of what Wicca involves. No wonder so many people are convinced that the sum total of Wicca is the Rede and the Five Elements!

If this author knew anything about Wicca itself, wouldn't she mention the fivefold kiss?!? Or warn you about performing the Great Rite with your coven leaders to attain a higher degree? And if you're reading about a religion, wouldn't she explain a bit more about the ancient Gods whose names you've been casually dropping in her five-cent spells? (By the way -- have you ever noticed that the "Old Gods" are any Gods that weren't Christian? Just pick and choose, kids! Then refer to them as if they were all worshipped in this one, common, ancient, hidden religion.)

"I found this Wiccan book and it's everything I've always believed in! Even the paranormal stuff that Christianity refuses to admit exists!" (Wow, you finally read a book? Maybe two, even?) If Wicca vaguely fits your beliefs, then it must explain everything supernatural and non-Xian, too -- even if the religion itself doesn't say anything about spirit animal guides or ouija boards or runes.
We all know that Wicca applies universally to everything, so everything must apply universally to Wicca, too! That's why we can put unicorns, dragons, faeries, and various other mythological creatures (which actually exist, and are friendly and helpful despite all the legends) on our webpages. So break out your wiccan I-Ching set, your wiccan Amerindian totem pole, and your wiccan Egyptian ankh, and put 'em all on your altar to Athena (or Bast, or Kali -- any Goddess will do).

"Never Again the Burning Times!" This is a huge Wiccan misconception, so there are entire sites devoted to it. When I get time I'll create my own. Do some research for yourself instead of being spoon fed you supposedly "deeply held" beliefs!

personal gripes

"We don't worship the devil. Really, we don't." Two things bother me about this.

1. You can repeat this until you're blue in the face for all the good it does. Silly Wiccans, you're overlooking the fact that anyone non-Xian, by definition, is misguided and worships the devil. [And if you can't see the humor in that, then I will clarify: no, I'm not a Xian.] You're not changing any minds here, no matter how many times you repeat the Rede. Especially if you insist on arguing with the Xians over what a lie their religion is!

2. Some of the most talented adepts I've ever met are left-handers. It's sickeningly arrogant to assume that all witches are, in fact, White Wiccans just like [insert fluffy author here] tells you to be. There are Real Witches^TM who worship Satan. There are even athiest witches who don't believe in karma. The other pagans are sick and tired of reading dire warnings about the threefold law and the ethics of love spells. It's been said a thousand times already, and it still only applies to the Wiccans, so get out of the way -- some people are trying to practice serious hexcraft and blood sacrifice out here.

Hecate was not a beautiful scantily-clad maiden dancing through the flowers with elves and faeries. She had three heads.

"As above, so below!" Do you even know where that phrase came from? It was originally found on a Greek burial stone. Not an astrology chart or a karma wheel. A burial stone. Think about it. ("Have fun down there, you lady's man!")

"I need some thyme for this and some sage for that...." Herbs have been used in witchcraft for thousands of years -- but no one seems to realize why. The origins of this were a) as offerings burnt to the gods, b) to provide smoke from which the spirits could form material bodies, and c) as poisons, balms, or psychedelics (or, in the case of the flying broomstick/phallus, all three at once).
This happy-go-lucky "my love spell needs rose petals" attitude is a far cry from the original stuff. (By the way, if you think that using herbs to heal makes someone a witch, you should probably read this page.)

stagnation

In all of your talk about spiritual growth, there's a good chance you're scared $#17less of actually facing a challenge. You cleanse and ward your house obsessively, create psychic shields, and avoid facing your inner demons with layers of denial. In fact, there's a good chance that you've rationalized every bit of this page as you read it so as not to face what I'm saying.

("This person doesn't know what they're talking about, so I shouldn't take it seriously," "This doesn't apply to me, just those OTHER people," "Ha! They just contradicted themselves, they must be Christian!")

And for now a side rant -- You know what?

I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU.
Anyone who comes to this webpage
intending to snicker at how wrong it is
or to get angry at the Stupid Fundie
is one of the people I'm talking about.

Do I mention crystal-hugging New Age
mental case flakes on this page
a n y w h e r e ? NO.
And yet, people keep mentioning them.
"Agreeing" with me, for God's sake...
-- too dense to realize that
I'm talking about THEM.

[I now return you to your regularly scheduled rant...]

"Witches don't have any more psychic powers than any other person, we're just more in tune with the Earth." Um... what??? Just because [insert fluffy author here] has redefined the title "witch" for any unambitious preteen to claim, doesn't mean you should scrap the flashy definition that has been around for centuries. There's a huge difference between having mystical abilities and having a religion. Or to put it another way, just because you're Christian doesn't mean you know how to turn water into wine.
[I'm also rather sick of the assumption that your religion has to be "nature-based" to be a witch. I don't have religion or respect for nature (I'll choose toilet paper over mosquitoes any day) and yet I'm still a witch.] ("Gasp! Oh, the heresy!")

"Magick isn't what Hollywood portrays it as. We don't levitate objects or flash fire from our fingers." Well why the hell not? "Because magick is just a subtle force underneath everything that I can bend to my will, a little... okay, not much, really.... ummm... uh.... Sometimes I dream of the future and stuff..." Fluffy fluffy fluffy. You've been brainwashed into recognising that everyone's definition of magic has always been wrong, too. It was never anything spectacular, it's just drawing circles on the ground and lighting candles. But if you've subtly threatened someone with how spooky you are, you'd rather not let them know that your version of Wiccan magick involves something that sounds like really fancy prayer.

"But this so-called 'fluffy' stuff is a step to higher magick!" Have you ever met a fellow Wiccan who practiced high magick? The HP/S of your circle, maybe? No? How about high magick webpages, instead of some Wiccan's rambling about how oppressed they are? Any how-to books on the subject in your local newage shop? No? Of course not -- they wouldn't sell. Magic takes discipline, and neopagans would much rather be told they're a witch right away (for "worshipping the God/Goddess" or some other non-mystical habit) than through blood & sweat training and lifelong research.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that Wiccans can't learn heavy magick; rather, that the Wiccans who know what they're doing are mature. You'll never catch one of these wearing ten pounds of pentacle jewelry and picking arguments with Christians. In fact, you'll probably never even realize that they're Wiccan, at all. They don't let a religion define who they are -- they have better things to do.

I REPEAT: I have no problem with Wicca. It's the Wiccans I can't stand.