WIL...
And the Grammy goes to... Kylie's bottom in every film clip. Wil Anderson questions why her rear end has suddenly become a national icon
Is it just me, or are you sick and tired of hearing about Kylie Minogue's bum? Forget Can't Get You Out Of My Head, she should release a song entitled Can't Fit You Into My Shorts.
It seems to me that recently Kylie's cans have been on everybody's lips, and I'm not just talking about Justin, James, Jason and Robbie's. With the amount of editorial space and photographs devoted weekly to the beautiful singing budgie's behind, if alians were to arrive on earth today they'd probably demand to be taken straight to Kylie's arse.
In this time of world turmoil and international crisis, I think it's time we took a stand. Forget "Ban the Bomb," I think it's time to "Ban the Bum."
I should point out that I do realise admitting that I don't like Kylie's backside in Australia is like saying I think Holden cars are shit; the Don couldn't bat; and I really like drinking Foster's beer; since her bum is a national icon. It's right up there with the Harbour Bridge and the Sydney Opera House.
In fact, some people tend to think Kylie's rump is such a national treasure that when she dies they'll probably stuff it and put it in the National Museum of Australia next to Phar Lap's heart, Steve Irwin's mullet, and Matt Shirvington's groin.
People love Charlene's chassis so much I wouldn't be surprised if we ever do change the Australian flag, that they just chuck out the Union Jack and replace it with Kylie's bum. Then we truly would be the arse-end of the world. Japan could be The Land of the Rising Sun, and Down Under could be named The Land of the Rising Moon.
But I think the hysteria all went a little far early last year when The Sun newspaper in the UK sponsored a campaign to have Kylie's rear heritage listed and preserved for "posteriority" on the grounds it is an "area of outstanding natural beauty". The paper invited it's readers to lobby the government to make sure, "Kylie's bum remains in safe hands - by turning it into a national institution". And what's next on the bum fascination list? A tourist attraction called The Big Bum? Or maybe even a theme park called Bum World on the Gold Coast (kids under 12 must be accompanied by an adult).
Now, I don't want to go all Wonder Years on you here, but I remember a simpler time, when the only bum that was associated with Kylie Minogue was Jason Donovan. It was also a time when Donnie was the most famous of the Wahlberg's and Dannii was the most famous of the Minogues.
These days Kylie doesn't so much wear hot pants, rather it's a sign of resounding evidence that it is possible to dance and floss at the same time. I mean, I have hankies bigger than Kylie's hotties.
Meanwhile Kylie's bum has become like one of those novelty walls they have outside Planet Hollywood - completely covered in the handprints of the rich and famous.
Now I personally don't give a shit if Kylie is shagging James Gooding, or for that matter, Robbie Williams. (Although, sometimes I think I'm the only person in the world Robbie hasn't had a shot at.) Justin Timberlake was the latest to have a go when, at The Brit Awards, he did his bit for national security by checking Kylie hadn't tired to smuggle any fruit past customs.
Kylie's butt is so famous now there is even a statue of it in Madame Tussauds. Of course when I first spotted the headline "Wax Kylie" I do have to admit I thought it was a story about how she had finally bought a pair of hot pants so small, a Brazilian was absolutely necessary.
The Kylie dummy did actually cause a little bit of a storm when on display, as it was featured in a position best described as, "here's somewhere to park your bike." The upside was there was now a Minogue made of more plastic than Dannii. Of course there has been some nasty whispers Kylie's bum may have had some work done. Personally, though, I don't believe a word of it.
But seriously, my major problem with Kylie's bum is that above all else it is just a cynical marketing ploy to distract from the fact there are baby seals being clubbed to death. Put it this way, you rarely read too many articles about Dame Nellie Melba where they focus on her amazing rack, or talk to Pavarotti about his tremendous tenor's todger. In fact I think the bum is actually the real talent. And I believe it's high time the bum finally cut loose the excess baggage and went solo.
Above all else I fear Kylie may have started a trend. Maybe other performers will take her lead and re-invigorate their career in a similar way. Let's face it, nobody needs to see John Farnham in a pair of gold hot pants. "You're the arse, try and understand it ..."
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