THERE GOES
THE NEIGHBORHOOD!

PUTTIN' ON THE RITZ..................by Coralynn

James Philbrook Livingston, as he's been calling himself since yesterday when he was reminded that was his full name via that letter sent to him by an estate lawyer, rises from his broken-down bed and flings open the window.
Taking a deep breath of the morning air, he declares, "This is the day the Lord hath made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!"
He wonders where that came from! His early religious training? His year as pastor at the Church of Perpetual Bliss? He chuckles recalling that stint, as he and everyone in the congregation was indeed blissful......chemically blissful. Ahhhh, he thinks, the good old days! Now where did I put that tie? Gotta wear a tie to something as important and classy as the reading of a will.
He slept in the outfit he plans to wear to the reading: faded jeans with holes in them, a tie-die t-shirt and sandals. He wonders how he looks, head to foot, but there is no mirror in his little shed.
"Here it is!" he finds the tie in the bottom of the junk drawer in the kitchen, and tries to smooth out the wrinkles. They resist. He wonders if he has an iron anywhere. Guess not, he concludes, as he doesn't find one in the junk drawer. Looping the tie around his neck, he tightens it and pours a cup of coffee. He reads over the contents of the letter from the lawyer one more time just to make sure it's for him and not some other James Philbrook Livingston. He turns over the envelope to see the address. Sure enough, it was sent to him.
"Okey dokey!" he says as he shoves it into the ragged pocket of his jeans.
He goes outside to see if his battered '65 Ford is in the drive. Yep, there it is, just where I left it! he congratulates himself.
Since he always leaves the keys in the ignition, he only has to turn on the engine. It sputters to life with a great roar. Gunning the gas pedal, over and over, he backs out of the driveway and onto the road.
"Here goes nothin'!" he sings out as he heads toward town.


GRANDAD WAS A DUUUDE?.....by Terri

The Montgomerys were finishing breakfast. Billy Bob and his father had made pancakes and sausage. Mary Ellen just had a grapefruit half and some cereal.
"Mom, how much do you think you stand to gain by Grandfather Livingston's estate?"
She took a sip of coffee and said, "Well, I don't know. There were several huge houses. Right in this area, too. He and Grandmother moved to Chappaqua in the early 1940's when I was a little girl. He had a falling out with my father and we never visited them. I wonder where the house in Chappaqua is. I looked in the phone book and there were several S Livingstons. None listed as Seth though. Then I believe he owned some stock in a company....Ronzoni...Rondell..."
Billy Bob's ears perked up. "Ron Jon's Surf Shop in Cocoa Beach?"
Mary Ellen looked disapprovingly at her son. "Certainly not!"
Billy Bob sighed disappointedly. "Yeah, that would be too good to be true. I couldn't imagine the upper crust of New York society shouting 'Cowabunga' and saying, 'Hey Duuuuuude!'"
J.R. Montgomery said, "And I can't imagine you surfing, son. You were always into horses."
Billy Bob scraped his plate into the wastebasket and ran it under the faucet. "What did you think I went to Corpus Christi for anyway? Surf was up. Sure would have been nice to have stock in Ron John's. At least it is not that TV schtick Ronco."
Mary Ellen rolled her eyes. "Heaven forbid I should be heir to something like the Popeil Pocket Fisherman." She poured another cup of coffee. "And you will never guess who I bumped into at the mall yesterday. Why, if it wasn't your ex-wife."
"Wanda Sue at a mall? Don't make me laugh! Home Shopping is more her speed. Or Wal-mart. Bet she looks a fright in those cheesy outfits that fall apart after two washings."
Mary Ellen took a sip of the coffee. "Heavens, no! It was your other ex-wife. Rosamond. And I had no idea she was expecting. AGAIN. Does that woman not know where babies come? Honestly, another one and her little Judy.."
"Julie."
"...only a year old. I swear, William, if you were still married to her you would probably have two more in diapers and another one on the way. But then, I would expect you would have more brains than that rogue she is married to at the moment..."
Billy Bob tuned her out. Way out.
She looked at her watch. "Oh, dear. J. R. darling, we need to get going."
Billy Bob threw his dad the keys and said, "Here, Dad. Take the Mercedes."
Mary Ellen said, "I should think so! I couldn't very well show up in your pickup truck!"
Billy Bob muttered, "Yeah, never mind that it is a 65,000.00 truck." "What was that, dear?"
"Nothing, Mother. In fact, why don't you go to lunch? Take your time." And to himself he added, 'PLEASE!'


GET ME TO THE LAWYER'S ON TIME........by Coralynn

Jim parks his car and walks to the door marked Whitehouse, Grimley & Chase. He compares that with the return address on the envelope he received and walks in.
A smartly dressed woman is sitting at the reception desk, and looks up to see a very rag-tag looking man enter. She marvels at the audacity of these street people; now they're even seeking shelter in office buildings?
She tries to be polite to the man who stands in front of her desk shifting his weight from one foot to the other, clutching an envelope that appears to be similar to ones she has in her desk drawer.
"Yes, may I help you?" she queries.
"Uhhhhh, yeah, I hope so. Is this the office of..." he looks again at the evelope, ".....Whitehouse, Grimley & Chase?"
"Yes, it is. How may we be of service?"
He thrusts the envelope at her, "I'm here to become an 'heir' to something or other. May have something to do with my grandfather....."
She looks closely at the pages she pulls from the envelope. Sure enough, this person is probably James Philbrook Livingston, though he doesn't look like the grandson of a wealthy man. She asks, "May I see some identification?"
"I have a mole right here......" he proceeds to pull down the left side of his jeans.
"NO! I mean do you have a driver's license with your picture on it?"
"Uhhhhh, yeah...." he digs in his wallet and pulls out his driver's license and puts it down on the desk.
She looks at it, then at him, then at the license, back and forth and puzzles, "This license expired ten years ago, and the picture shows a clean-shaven man, no offense."
He grabs it up and peers at it. He takes his glasses from his pocket, puts them on and looks. "HA! I must have shaved that day! But that's me."
The receptionest hopes she isn't making a mistake in letting the discrepancy slide. She flips a lever on a console and Jim hears her say into it, "Mr. James Philbrook Livingston is here, Mr. Chase."
Jim can't hear what the other person says back, so he stands there at attention waiting for her verdict.
"You are to have a seat," she tells him, indicating the chairs nearby.
"Ya mean I won a chair?!" he marvels.
"No, sir, you are to sit on a chair and wait. There is still one more party yet to arrive."
"There's a party today? This is my lucky day! I get to be an 'heir' and go to a fancy party. You people sure know how to throw a shin-dig!"
The receptionest sits there, groans, and wonders what the other 'party' will be like when she arrives? Is this going to be a Ma and Pa Kettle Down on the Farm reunion?



"How do I look?" Mary Ellen patted her hair as they parked the car. J. R. replied, "Like a woman who's going to inherit a fortune!"
She smiled radiantly at him. J.R. said, "Are you sure there are no other heirs?"
Mary Ellen replied, "No, just my loser cousin who hasn't been seen or heard from since 1967 when he went off to 'find himself'. He headed off to Haight Ashbury during the Summer of Love and we never heard from him again."
J. R. opened the door for her. Mary Ellen strode up to the receptionist and put on her best business air.
"We are here to see Mr. Chase about the reading of the will of Seth D. Livingston. My name is Mary Ellen Livingston-Montgomery."
The receptionist did a double take. "Are you sure?"
"Well, of course I'm sure. I have the letter right here."
The receptionist, whose nameplate said 'Midge', said, "Just a minute."
She switched the console switch and said, "Mr. Chase? All the interested parties are here."
She turned a brilliant smile to Mary Ellen. "He will be right with you."
Mary Ellen turned to J.R. and said, "ALL parties?"
A voice from the chair in back of her said, "MO-MO?? Is that YOU??"

'MO-MO's blood curdled. She said without turning around, "I know that voice. There was only one person--ONE PERSON-- in this whole world who would call me 'MoMo'.
But it isn't possible..is it?"
A tap on her shoulder. She slowly turned around.
The voice was attached to the Reverend Jim Philbrook..Jim Philbrook Livingston, that is.
"Hey, MoMo..long time no see! Whatcha doin' up in this neck of the woods?"
Mary Ellen said, "Jim? JIM?"
Rev. Jim grinned. "Yep, that's me! In the flesh. What are you doing here?"
Mary Ellen was stunned. "I'm here for the reading of the will of Grandfather Livingston."
Jim snapped his fingers. "Now isn't that weird? I am here for a reading of MY Grandfather Livingston. I didn't know you had one too!"
Mary Ellen recovered enough to snap, "Well, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what YOU have been doing for the last 35 years!"
Rev Jim scratched his head and said, "You mean the rocket scientists have trying to find out what I have been up to? You mean John Glenn? Allan Shepherd?"
At that moment, Edward Chase, attorney at law, came out of his office and shook their hands. "Right this way, please. Midge? Please hold all calls."

J.R. whispered, "I thought he was long gone! I mean, he's gone alright. But he's here. What gives, Mo-mo?"
Mary Ellen whirled on her husband. She hissed, "Don't you EVER call me that!"
Everyone took a seat. J.R. reached out to reassuringly pat her hand. She sat there white-lipped. Edward Chase ahemed and took out a folder. "Yes. Well. What I have here is the Last Will and Testament of Seth Douglas Livingston who passed away August 1st. It has taken us a few weeks and the services of a private investigator to determine the whereabouts of the heirs and get the letters out."
Jim piped in with, "I wasn't too hard to find. I was in 1643."
J.R. leaned over to Mary Ellen and whispered, "Yeah, but on what planet?"
Chase rustled the papers. He put on his reading glasses. "I want eveyone to be very clear on what has transpired. Mr. Livingston engaged our firm in 1993 to draw up his will. A diligent search has been conducted and proper notices have been placed in legal papers and this was the most recent one. Therefore, this is the legal one. No codicils attached. I shall commence with reading.
"Now, we have the typical 'being of sound mind and body' introduction. Here is what he said afterward.
"Whereupon my remaining family has shown no interest in my welfare I shall request that I have a private funeral. No visitation, no ceremony. I shall be buried next to my wife Emily. Whitehouse, Grimley and Chase have the necessary arrangements."
Chase looked over his glasses. "Which have been taken care of. Mr. Livingston has been interred in Chappaqua Woods Cemetery off State Road as per his request."
He cleared his throat and continued. "His assets are listed as follows:
1. Property as listed in the following legal descriptions in Killington VT, Loon Mt NH and several beachfront properties in Southhampton Long Island.
2. A parcel of 1,000 acres in the Adirondack Mountains.
3. My family estate outside of Albany NY which is held in trust by said law firm.
4. My current residence at 244 Winding Willow, Chappaqua NY and all the furnishings.
5. My 50,000 shares of stock in Ronco Industries.
6. My bank accounts at the following banks.
7. Stock portfolio in the hands of my law firm.
8. Life insurance policies totalling 10 million dollars.
9.My 1935 Bentley
10. My 1921 Silver Ghost Rolls Royce

Mary Ellen sat thre totally mesmerized. J.R. squeezed her hand. Reverend Jim dozed in the chair, letting out a snorf and a bit of drool out of the corner of his mouth. Edward Chase coughed and said, "ahem!"
Rev Jim woke with a start. "I swear I never saw him!" He yelled when Chase gently shook him. Chase frowned and said, "Now for the distribution of the assets."

"To my granddaughter, Mary Ellen Livingston-Montgomery, only child of my son Marcus Livingston, I leave my hula lamp and my elephant clock."
"To my grandson James Philbrook Livingston, only child of my son Randolph Livingston, I leave the balance of my estate. The above assets as described above."
Dated September 20, 1993 in Westchester County NY and witnessed by Edward Chase and Benton Whitehouse, attorneys-at-law."

Chase put everything back in the folder and sat there with his hands folded. "That concludes the distribution of assets. Any questions?"

Mary Ellen turned white. Then red. Then white again. "You mean..you mean...all I get is a hula girl lamp and an elephant clock?"
Reverend Jim turned to Mary Ellen, gave her two thumbs up and said, "Cool, MoMo!"
Then Chase turned to Reverend Jim and said, "Do you know what this means, Mr. Livingston?"
Jim said, "Yeah. I don't get the lamp and the clock."
Chase shook his head. "Mr. Livingston, you inherit everything. The estates. The Bentley. The Rolls Royce. The house in Chappaqua and the Livingston estate in Albany. Which is now a museum, I might add." Reverend Jim stood up and started toward the door. Chase said, "Where are you going?"
Jim said, "To give my landlord two weeks notice. What do I do if I can't get my deposit back. I'll be out 150.00!"

Mary Ellen stood up. "That crazy old coot! No wonder my father washed his hands of him! Leaving his entire estate to a..to a....to a JUNKIE?? To a BURN-OUT? I'll fight this will with all I have! Which is considerable!"
Chase said, "I'm afraid that won't do, Mrs. Montgomery. We drew it up and it is iron-clad. There is one thing. If you contest it, you lose..."
Jim jumped up and said, "For Pete's sake, MoMo, don't do that! You'll lose the hula lamp and the clock!"
Mary Ellen Montgomery grabbed her purse, and turned to the Senator. She said tightly, "Come on, J.R. We are LEAVING!"
Reverend Jim called after her, "Hey, MoMo! Let's have lunch together!"
SLAM!!
Reverend Jim turned to Edward Chase and said, "I guess that's a 'no'. Hey, Mr. Chase! Wanna go to McDonald's with me? Dutch treat!"


THE HEIR.............by Coralynn

James Philbrook Livingston, a mighty distinguised name if I do say so myself, and destined to become well known because of his sudden good fortune, leaves the lawyers' office carrying a huge briefcase full of legal papers and assorted titles to land, cars, stock, etc. etc. etc.
Getting into his ancient car, he turns on the engine and pulls out of the parking lot onto one of the main streets of the town.
"I need advice!" he says aloud, "and I know just where to get it."
He turns the car toward Winding Willow, and within a few minutes is seen pulling up in front of 224.
Marilyn hears the roar of his car, then the slam of the car door, and spies Jim approaching the big house. "Hey! Remember that reverend we had at the 1643 House? He's at the door!" she announces to the others.
"Which one, the mean one or the burn-out?" Eleanor inquires.
"The burn-out!" Marilyn answers happily as she hears the doorbell and races to let him in.
Jim stands there grinning, a huge valise in his hand. "I hope I'm not bothering you. I just inherited some stuff, and I need to talk with William about it. Is he home?"
"WILLIAM!" Marilyn yells out as she escorts Jim to the living room, in which William sits, asleep, in his chair with the lever on the side.
He snorts awake, the afternoon paper falling from his lap onto the floor as he sits up suddenly.
"What is it?" he grumbles.
Jim sits on one of the leather couches nearby and is almost swallowed whole by the extreme softness. "Governor, can you help me?"
"I'm not the governor anymore, but I suppose so. What seems to be the problem?"
"Well, you see, I got this letter," he yanks it out of his pocket and thrusts it at William, "It said my grandfather had died and I inherited some stuff. So I went to the Lawyer's office just now and found out that I inherited everything the old man had, minus a clock and a lamp which were given to my cousin, Mo Mo."
"And you need my advice?"
"Yeah," Jim shows him the list of his new possessions, which William scans from top to bottom and whistles, "Whew.....my boy, this is incredible!"
"I know. I'm worried that my landlord won't give me back my security deposit, too, because I'm moving. Today."
"Who cares about a security deposit when you have millions?" William almost laughs.
Eleanor, Marilyn, Rose and Celeste hear some of this conversation and join the two men.
"Mind if I show it to the others?" William asks.
"No, go ahead."
The papers are handed around. Celeste sees the address of one of the houses Jim has inherited and comments, "Are you going to move into the property next to us here?"
"Should I?"
"Sure! It would be elegant!" Marilyn chimes in.
William's forehead creases as he realizes that the house he had hoped he could buy to enlarge his own property is once more going to be inhabited.
"Would you consider selling that property?" he asks Jim.
"Ohhhhh no, that was my grandfather's favorite house! But I could sell you the house in the Hamptons!"
William sighs audibly. "No. That's alright; you may need that one as a summer home."
"HUH! A winter home, a summer home!" Jim ponders this, "Do I have one for spring and one for fall? Well, I have the key with me, but I'm scared to go over there by myself. Will you guys come with me?"
The four women jump at the chance, and William even gets out of his lounger, which means he's going, too. William doesn't get out of his lounger without a good reason, it being his favorite place in the world to be.

They walk over to 244 Winding Willow. Jim rummages around in the valise for the key, which is labeled, along with the keys to the other properties as well as to the two vintage cars he inherited.
He puts the key in the lock and it turns. He takes a deep breath and shoves open the door. "Grandad? Are you here?"
"He died, Jim."
"Ohhhh yeah, that's right. Okey dokey!" he flips a switch on the wall and the almost dark room becomes light.
They see a large living room covered in cobwebs, dust and newspapers.
The furniture is so old it looks like it's trying to biodegrade back into its original elements.
"This place is cool!" Jim decides.
"Cool?!" Rose is aghast, "Jim! You need a redecorator! This is a disaster!"
Jim plops down on one of the couches, which raises a huge plume of dust into the air. "I remember this couch from when I was a little kid!" he smiles happily.
"Dare we look at the rest of the house?" William suggests.
"Sure!" Jim gets up from the couch and leads them into the kitchen, the sound of a dripping faucet making a constant tap, tap as they stand there gaping.
"This room needs to be gutted!" Marilyn states, going to the faucet, trying in vain to turn off the dripping. The sink is full of rust, especially where the drips have hit it.
"You could sell this wreck to me, Jim. The house in the Hamptons might be in better condition!" William tells him, hoping.
"No, no, this is my ancestral home!" Jim insists as he leads them up a long, winding staircase to the second floor. They walk through all eight bedrooms, none of which look fit for human habitation.
In one of the bedrooms the bed actually has sheets and blankets on it, which have been pulled back by someone who obviously didn't believe in making it up after a night of sleep.
"Good old Grandad!" Jim beams, "This has to be the room where he died. See? He didn't even have time to make the bed!"
Eleanor makes a sour face, reaches out and touches his arm, "This has to be emotionally draining for you, Jim. Let's go downstairs again."
"But we have to go up to the attic!" he protests as he makes for yet another flight of stairs.
The attic is dark and contains a most unpleasant aroma. Old trunks and boxes are littered around the large area with heaps of old clothing piled atop. They see a wedding dress so old it has more holes than fabric, yellow with age.
"This used to be my room!" Jim announces proudly.
"Your room?!" Celeste asks.
"Ohhhh yeah, when we used to visit old grandad, he gave us our own rooms. This one was mine. Cousin MoMo used to get that bedroom with the hula lamp and elephant clock. That must be why grandad left her those things......sentimental reasons, ya know."
"Does your cousin have a real name?" Rose asks.
"Yeah, something like Mary Ellen........uhhhhh.....let's see, who did she marry? Starts with an M.....Mon......."
"Montgomery?" Rose asks, not thinking it could actually be the name.
"Bingo!" Jim laughs, "Yeah, you must be psychic, that's her name, Mary Ellen Montgomery!"
"And she got a lamp and a clock and you got everything else?!" Rose is shocked.
"Ohhhh yeah, yeah, and she didn't seem very happy about it. Huh, shows how ungrateful some people can be! He left her his two most prized possessions."
By now Rose is doubled over in laughter, "Oh Jim, this is priceless!"
"Yeah, isn't it?" he agrees, not knowing just what he's agreeing with.

"You need new furniture and new carpets and new.......everything!" Marilyn tells Jim as Rose's laughter subsides at last.
Jim scraches the back of his neck, "That sounds like a lot of.....work!"
"I have an idea!" she says excitedly, "Would you be adverse to having five really cool guys fix up the place?"
"Five really cool guys.........uhhhhhh.....why not?" Jim thinks that sounds good.
"OK. How about if they gave you a makeover, too?"
"I need a makeover?" Jim walks to where a freestanding mirror sits, only patches of it still reflecting anything.
He turns this way and that, smiling at his reflection, spotty though it may be.
Marilyn tries to be diplomatic, "You can afford to look like you have a million bucks!"
"HUH! But I do have a million bucks, and I look like this! This is what a million bucks looks like!"
"Are you at least open to the idea?" she tries again.
"Uhhhhh, why not! You know five cool guys who can do all this?"
"Well, sort of. They have a TV show. Every week they fix up somebody's place."
"And it's on TV? Far out!!"
"I take it that's a 'yes'?"
"Surrrre, why not. OK, now, let's go back downstairs and I can fix you guys a.......a......what?"
"We already ate!" Eleanor says quickly, hoping the contents of the refrigerator in the kitchen isn't as moldy as the rest of the place, but not willing to take the chance.
Marilyn's mind is whirling with her new idea......"You have a phone here that works?"
When they are again on the first floor, Jim picks up the receiver on a phone so old it still has rotary dialing and hears a dial tone. "Yep!"
"What's the phone number?" she asks.
He peers at what once had the phone number printed on it. He puts on his glasses and peers again, trying to make out the faded numbers........."4.....2......6......8.......7........8.......9!" he reads aloud.
Marilyn jots the numbers down on a pad lying by the phone after she blows off several years worth of dust.
"Where are you going to sleep tonight?" William asks, considering the entire inside of the house worthy of a condemned notice.
"Well, gov'nor, I suppose in my grandad's bed! It has sheets! It has......"
"Oh yuck!" Rose says before she thinks better of it.
"I'll phone you later when I find out more about the five cool guys," Marilyn says quickly, getting the conversation away from the prospect of Jim sleeping in that awful bed.
"Thanks a million! You guys are the best!" Jim tells them all as they head for the front door, "keep in touch!"
They wait till they're well out of hearing before the four women burst out laughing. William is not laughing; he is feeling a sore loser. "I had big plans for that place!" he thinks, jamming his fists into his pants pockets as they reach the big house again.


SHAFTED!......by Terri

Mary Ellen stormed into Billy Bob's kitchen and slammed the door.
"OW! Dammit, Mary Ellen, that was my face!" J.R. pushed the door open and rubbed his nose. She went to the cabinet and took out a bottle of brandy. Billy Bob came in with a submarine sandwich and a beer and said, "So, how many millions did you inherit, Mother?"
J.R. made waving motions with his hands that translated into 'cease and desist' but Billy Bob just raised his eyebrows at his dad and shrugged his shoulders.
She poured herself a generous helping of brandy and clenched her fists. She muttered, "I can't believe it. I can' t believe it. After all these years. He's back. And what did he ever do to deserve anything! ANYTHING AT ALL!"
Billy Bob sat down. He was used to his mother's hystrionics. He took a swig of beer and said, "OK. So who is back?"
J.R. said, "Her cousin. James Philbrook Livingston."
Billy Bob burst out laughing. "All three of them?"
Mary Ellen smacked him on the back of the head. "It's not funny! He has it all. Every little thing! Every stock, bond, bank account.."
"WHO? And don't hit me again! I'm a grown man, I'm 31 now..."
"My cousin. James. The total wastoid from California..or wherever he landed."
"Earth?" J. R. quipped.
"NOT FUNNY!" Mary Ellen ripped.
Billy Bob got his father a beer and put out some nachos.
"OK, Mother, there's a story here somewhere. Why don't you tell it?" Mary Ellen poured herself another shot of brandy, threw it back and started in.
"James was Uncle Randolph and Aunt Mirella's son. We were close growing up even though I was five years older. He couldn't say 'Mary Ellen' so he called me baby name.."
J.R. said, "Mo-Mo."
Billy Bob just about fell off his chair. He looked at his mother in her navy blue suit, her pearls and her blonde hair in a French twist and totally lost it. Every time he looked at his mother he burst out in laughter. "MO-MO????"
Mary Ellen snapped, "Do you want to hear the story or not?"
Billy Bob tried to straighten his face out. "OK. Sure."
"James took up with the wrong sort of people. He was very impressionable. It was 1967. James was 21 when he discovered the marijuana plant. He became what you would call a 'boulder'"
"Boulder?" Billy Bob said.
J.R. took a sip of beer and said, "Stoner."
Mary Ellen said nastily, "Do you want me to continue or not?"
Billy Bob said, "Oh, by all means! I am riveted!"

Mary Ellen said, "James took off. He left college. He was majoring in biology with a minor in philosophy. He was going to be a marine biologist. But then he started experimenting with drugs. He took up with a girl named Sunshine and they left together for La-La land. Haight Ashbury. He sent his parents postcards once in a while. Heard he was dating Janis Joplin for a while. He studied classical piano. But then he graduated to the guitar. The last his folks heard from him was he was heading to Woodstock. He was so close and he never stopped in to see them! It broke Aunt Mirella's heart. Anyways, Aunt Mirella and Uncle Randolph passed on, as did my parents and James disappeared off the face of the earth. Until today. How the lawyers found him, I will never know!"
Billy Bob said, "So, was it a happy reunion, 'Mo-Mo?'"
"DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME THAT, MISTER! I AM STILL YOUR MOTHER!"
Billy Bob turned to his father and said, "Don't tell me that James P. Livingston is the proud owner of all that was Great-granfather Livingston's?"
J.R. shook his head. "Well, not exactly. Mary Ellen? Want to show Billy Bob what you inherited?"
Billy Bob pulled the curtain back and said, "Is it parked outside?"
J.R. said, "No. Mary Ellen? You want to show your son what you were bequeathed?"
She shook her head no.
Billy Bob said, "Oh, come on, Mom! I'm your son!"
She still shook her head no. J.R. took the shopping bag and took out the hula lamp and the elephant clock.
If laughter could kill, Billy Bob would have been struck dead by now. He finally managed to squeak out, "So...does Donna eventually get the hula lamp? Or do I?"


THE BIG "PROJECT"..........by Coralynn

Marilyn taps in the phone number and hears her friend's voice, "Hi, this is Valerie!"
"Valerie! I'm so excited! I have a project for your brother's TV show! Can you have him call me?"
"I'll give you his home phone number," Valerie offers...."got a pen and paper?"
"Yep! Shoot!" Marilyn copies down the number, then chats a while longer with her friend, who she met at the Look Alike contest a couple years earlier. Valerie was entered as a Elizabeth Taylor look-alike, and might have won had Marilyn not stolen the show dressed in her "7 Year Itch" outfit.

Marilyn finally hangs up and punches in the phone number of Valerie's brother. It rings several times, and she's about to give up when she hears, "Carson here!"
"Oh good! I'm Marilyn, a friend of your sister Valerie's. She gave me your number. How are you guys fixed for projects for your TV show?"
"Wellllllll," he pauses, "we have a few possibilities we're looking into, but we could use a really hot one. You have one for us?"
"Do I! We know a guy who just inherited millions of dollars plus a big mansion next door to us. He's very unkempt, and the house looks like it hasn't been updated in fifty years!"
"Ohh WOW!" Carson is getting excited, "How does he feel about having us do over the house, and him as well?"
"He says he's open to the idea."
"You've seen our show. How would he rate on a scale of 1 to 10?"
"You mean in terms of how challenging it would be?"
"Right."
"How about a 12? This could be your biggest project yet. You might even extend your show to two hours to do this one!"
"I'm excited! When can we look at it?"
"I'll phone him and ask if tomorrow morning would be OK."
"Well, we'll be there with bells on! Just a minute, let me get your phone number. I'll call the other guys about this and we can all come over. Is he planning some social event where we can feature the huge makeover?"
"He hasn't said, but a house-warming would be the ticket, because he just moved in."
"Perfect! Catch ya later!" Carson's cheerful voice says just as they both ring off.

"YAHOO!" Marilyn yells, "I think we have Rev. Jim on the show!"
"What show is that, dear?" Celeste comes into the room, drying her hands on a tea towel.
Marilyn goes to the computer and brings up a page that Celeste reads, then laughs, "That looks like so much fun!"
"Oh it is, Celeste. That TV show is a riot! We can watch it tonight and you'll see. Then just picture Jim Philbrook Livingston on it in place of the guy that fix up tonight and you'll understand why this is such a win-win proposition!"
"I just hope Daisy never finds out," Celeste comments as she goes back into the kitchen.

They call themselves the Fab Five.
They are: An interior designer, a fashion stylist, a chef,
a beauty guru and someone we like to call the "concierge of cool"
- who is responsible for all things hip, including music and pop culture.
All five are talented, they’re gay
and they’re determined to clue in the cluttered,
clumsy straight men of the world.
With help from family and friends,
the Fab Five treat each new guy as a head-to-toe project.
Soon, the straight man is educated on
everything from hair products to Prada and
Feng Shui to foreign films.
At the end of every fashion-packed,
fun-filled lifestyle makeover,
a freshly scrubbed,
newly enlightened guy emerges
- complete with that "new man" smell!

The Cast:
Ted Allen as Food & Wine Connoisseur
Kyan Douglas as Grooming Guru
Thom Filicia as Design Doctor
Carson Kressley as Fashion Savant
Jai Rodriguez as Culture Vulture