THE 1643 HOUSE
BUSTED!................by Coralynn
on to next part of STORY
Part 4
The Rev. Charles Snopnagle mounts his horse and heads for the path that leads to the general store. This is the first time he's tried to ride this horse, and he sits uneasily in the saddle. Blast! he thinks, this is uncomfortable! But I have to get my package from the Post Office at the store. I don't want anyone else to see it, heaven knows.
The cinch hasn't been drawn tightly enough, and as Snopnagle passes by house #4, where he can see Daniel, Rafe, Hotspur and Jerry weeding their garden, it slides and he finds himself clinging to the side of the horse instead of atop.
Hotspur, ever the expert horseman, points at him and tells the others, "I see our esteemed Reverend is not familiar with horses, let's go help."
By the time the four men are near Snopnagle, he has dismounted and is looking around for the reason the saddle slid, desperately trying to fix it and ride away before he is asked any questions he doesn't want to answer.
"I say there!" Hotspur greets him, "Having a bit of trouble are you?"
"Where are you going?" Rafe asks.
"Why so early in the morning?" Daniel puts in.
Snopnagle stands there humiliated as Hots reaches over and tightens the cinch, dusts off his hands and says, "There! You're all set. You must be in a powerful hurry to not have saddled your horse properly."
Since Snopnagle has no reasonable answer, he simply remounts the horse, feels around for the stirrups, then flails his feet around some more trying to get them into position in said stirrups.
Rafe reaches over and shoves the reverend's feet securely in. Waiting for at least a cursory 'thank you' in vain, they see him take off like a shot through the path in the woods that leads to the general store.
"He sure is a strange duck," Jerry comments, "wonder where they got him, central casting?"
The others laugh as they walk back to their garden.
Moose comes out of the communal outhouse and sees William talking to Celeste over near house #1. Not wanting to interrupt, he stands a few feet away till hopefully William ends his conversation.
Having super peripheral vision, William can't help but see him waiting, and turns, "Moose, how are things progressing at your house?"
"Pretty good, William. I saw something strange in the outhouse just now, though. Care to have a look?"
"Sure!" William wonders what could be strange in the outhouse of all places, but follows anyway, the two cameramen following on their heels. They've become accustomed to the presence of the men with the cameras, so they talk freely.
"What do you think you saw?"
"A plastic shopping bag. Now, how could one of those show up here? The general store packages up our purchases in a burlap bag. What I saw was no burlap bag!"
Steve and Randy, still filming, wish they could take their hands off the camera equipment and hold their noses, but figure it's part of the job, unpleasant though it may be. The working toilet Doc Diamond has at his house has been a Godsend, but they've been sworn to secrecy.
Moose and William enter the outhouse and Moose points down the cutout hole to where the plastic bag can clearly be seen. "Stop and Shop," William reads, "Chappaqua, N.Y. It looks like one or more of the villagers has been popping back into town."
"That's what I thought, too," Moose agrees, "but who brought a coin with them?"
Randy and Steve exchange glances, "Coin?" they mouth silently.
"I have strong suspicions, very strong. I'll see what Celeste knows about it."
"See you later!" Moose waves as he returns to house #5.
William knocks on the door of house #1 and Celeste answers, "What was that all about?"
William enters the cabin and sits on one of the wooden benches, "Moose saw a plastic shopping bag from the Stop & Shop in town. Looks like one or more of our villagers has been cheating and going into town for groceries. Know who it could be?"
"I strongly suspect Penny and Sally, William. Marilyn told me she knows for sure that Sally has her original coin and chances are good brought it with her. I've also noticed that when I stand near one of them I get the distinct aroma of fabric softener."
"We need proof though," William ponders this.
"Only thing I can think of is that I go back to town and consult the story ag....." she stops, knowing she just gave away the fact that she's done this before.
William decides not to press for an explanation and simply says, "Here, let me give you my coin."
"No need," she tells him, her face reddening.
"Oh so you brought your own?!" he pretends to be aghast.
"Yes, as a matter of fact I did," she says defensively, "I knew there would be shenanigans, especially from those fools who live in house #2, so I brought it even though you said not to. I have to do my own thinking, William, as much as that may annoy you."
He laughs, "I am not annoyed, Celeste. But let's you and me keep it a secret between us, shall we?"
She laughs as well, though the secret is not a secret, since the other three women in the house are fully aware of her magic coin. Why upset William, though, let him think he's actually in charge.
Everyone breaks for lunch, though Celeste is not among them. When asked, William tells the others that she is lying down with a headache. El, Marilyn and Bess wink at each other and continue to eat.
Pounding hoofs interrupt the quietude. Everyone looks in the direction of the sound and sees Rev. Snopnagle riding pellmell, almost falling off his horse, then just as he approaches the parsonage, dismounts and runs into the house with a good sized package under his arm.
"What on earth?!" Mike laughs.
Henry8 is too busy shoveling food into his mouth to enunciate, but responds, "Hweiuuuuuettt?"
"Swallow before you speak!" William yells at him in disgust.
Snopnagle slams shut the door and tries to catch his breath. "Damn!" he mutters, "They all saw me with the package. They would be eating lunch outside in the village square! Now how do I explain this?" then realizes, "Just a consarned minute! I'm the Reverend, the moral head of the villiage.......I don't have to explain anything to anyone!" and goes into his room with the package, lying it carefully on the bed.
He cuts the packing tape very carefully and when the box is open, lifts out a magnificent dress........."Oh yes, oh yes!" he exclaims, "This Watermelon Festival Dress is going to be perfect!"
He holds it up in front of himself and looks in the full length mirror attached to the inside of his closet so that no one can see he has something more modern than he would have had in 1643. Rank has its priviledges, after all.
He almost swoons when he sees the effect the dress has. Hastily taking off his ministerial outfit, he carefully, oh so carefully puts on the dress, which actually fits like it was made for him. He opens a drawer and pulls out his brunette wig, slapping it onto his head.
Rafe eats quickly and hastens off. Time to do something about my guilty conscience, he thinks, I'd better at least make an appointment with the reverend.
He knocks on the front door of the parsonage several times and gets no response. "I know he's in there, he just went in there not more than ten minutes ago," he says softly. He walks to the side of the parsonage to see if he can locate the minister within the house somewhere. Looking in one window, he sees dusty old furniture but no person, so he moves to the other window at the back of the house. There's a light on inside, which makes it easier to see and what Rafe sees sets him back on his heels.
Holy Moley! he thinks, The Rev. has a woman in there! They said he was a widower, but he has a woman! Look at her in that garish dress! She looks like, what do they call it.....a hooker? Yeah! Ohmygosh, I'd better tell William.
He quickly walks away to see where William might have gone off to, the scandalous scene indelliby burned into his mind's eye.
MEANWHILE:
Celeste touches down in the computer room. Hearing no sounds of habitation, she assumes that everyone has gone somewhere for the day, but hopes to see Rose and the children before she leaves, if possible.
The computer has been left on to a website that contains the words to nursery rhymes. Smiling, she finds the Story in the Bookmarked websites and brings it up. It looks pretty up to date, she's glad to see. Scrolling down and around she stops when she reads about Sally and Penny bringing their newly laundered clothes back to the 1643 House in a Stop & Shop plastic bag. She prints it out and, folding it, slips it into the pocker of her frilly apron that she's decided is the most attractive part of the costumes they have to wear.
She opens a drawer and looks at the stack of photos of everyone imaginable. Hoping there's at least one of Sally and/or Penny, she's relieved to see one of Penny that was taken for a magazine article entitled, "What ever became of...." and one of Sally Jennings taken as promo for the 1643 House.
She zaps herself over to the nearest Stop & Shop, landing behind it so that no one notices her sudden appearance.
Going into the store, she sees that five of the check-out lines are manned. Good, maybe one of them saw one of these women.
Approaching the first check-out line, she tries to get the attention of the woman who is busily shoving articles over the scanner. "Miss?"
"I'm busy! Get in line!" is her answer.
Sighing, Celeste gets in line behind two other people, both with heaping baskets of food and miscellaneous items. She looks at the other checkout lines, and the same situation applies to them as well.
It takes almost fifteen minutes before the customer ahead of her has completed her purchases and pushed her cart out of the store.
She holds out the photos to the check-out lady, who glares at her and cracks her gum, "Hey, ya gotta buy something!"
"Please, this is important......life and death matter," she lies, desperate, "Have you seen either of these women in the store in the past week or so?"
The check-out lady points a finger at the picture of Penny and nods, "I seen her.......a lot, yeah."
"So she was in here? How about this other woman?"
"Yep, her too."
"I need you to do me a big favor. Could you write that down and sign it?"
"Ya gotta buy something!" the check-out lady insists.
"I have no money with me," Celeste replies, realizing that the money she does have on her is that strang-like-Monopoly-money stuff and totally unusable.
"You an undercover Cop?" the check-out lady asks, raising one eyebrow, "That's some getup ya got on if ya are."
"Yes, but don't let on," Celeste whispers conspiratorially.
The check-out lady's mouth turns up in what looks like an evil grin as she writes on a paper and shoves it at Celeste. "Did ya bust a drug ring? Am I gonna see something on the TV news about this?"
"You might, yes."
"OK, be sure to give them my name, pronounce it right, too. It's horrible how mangled they get my name..........you'd think I was the first and only Josephine Henrietta Paffenbatch in the world!"
"Ahhhhh, I shall be sure they pronounce it correctly," Celeste assures her as she leaves the store, walks back behind it and zaps herself away.
MEANWHILE:
"William! William!" Rafe runs over to where Wm. is checking out a fence-post, making sure it hasn't loosened in the recent rain storm.
"What is it, Rafe, you look like you've seen a ghost." William remarks.
"William," Rafe's voice drops, "I saw.....I swear I saw a woman in the Reverend's bedroom."
"What were you doing in the reverend's bedroom?"
"I saw her through the window."
"Peeping in windows, Rafe? Dr. Phil would definitely object."
"No, no, you see, I needed to talk to the reverend about something, but he didn't come to the front door when I knocked on it over and over, so I went around and looked in the house to see if he was in there."
"And......"
"And I saw a woman in there. Not a classy woman, either, William. No. This one looked like, what do you call it, a hooker?"
"Oh my, this is serious. Let me look and see," William tells him as they both walk toward the parsonage.
They quietly go back to the window where Rafe saw the woman. William peers in and sees Snopnagle himself in a huge dress, turning this way and that, music playing as the reverend is heard singing along, "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright...."
William's mouth drops open in shock.
"See? He has a woman, a bad woman, in there!" Rafe says with satisfaction.
William pulls him away from the window and as they walk a few steps into the back yard of the place, says, "That's Snopnagle himself, Rafe!"
"NO!"
"I'm afraid so. I feel it my responsibility to do something about it, too. This is bizarre behavior for someone who preaches hellfire and brimstone to us twice a week. I'm going in," he says decisively as he walks to the back door of the house and shoves it open.
The music is still streaming out of the bedroom, but when William enters, Snopnagle quickly shuts it off and attempts to stuff himself into his closet.
"Jigs up!" William says sternly.
He sees the black hair of the wig protrude from behind the closet door, then a pair of eyes. "Get out here, Snopnagle! I saw you through the window. Don't pretend you aren't dressed up like a whore..."
He hears whimpering as the reverend finally steps out of the closet and sits on the bed, his head in his hands. William reaches over and yanks off the brunette wig, which makes the minister look even more ridiculous.
"Please don't tell the producers of the show," Snopnagle whines, "I'll lose my job."
"You should have thought of that before you preached those sermons at us the way you did. You were merciless, mean-spirited and rigid. Fortunately none of us took you seriously, but just having to hear all that tripe was not anyone's idea of a church service."
"They told me to be mean," Snopnagle moans.
"Well, I'm sorry, man, but you set yourself up. You have no one to blame but youself."
Snopnagle gets a defiant gleam in his eye and stands. "I am out of here," he says with conviction as if it were his idea alone, "I have a cabaret act to do at some very classy venues in San Fran and Los Angeles and Yuma, Arizona..."
"Yuma?!" William busts out laughing.
FROCKED, DEFROCKED, WHATEVER............by Coralynn
William sees the cameramen outside filming various villagers gardening and realizes he has to get this scenario on film. How else to explain the quick exit of the reverend?
Since Rafe has now entered the room, he tells him to hold on to Snopnagle so that the man cannot change out of the watermelon dress, goes to the front door and calls out to the camermen.
"In here, gentlemen, please!"
Sensing some drama, Randy and Steve hurry over and enter the house.
"We have to get this on the film," William informs them, "In here....." he walks them back to the bedroom where they see Reverend Snopnagle wearing a big garish dress. Randy quickly trains the camera on the man as William explains what happened.
"Our so-called esteemed reverend is a cross dresser," William says clearly so that his voice records easily, "which in itself is no big deal, but for someone as meanspirited and judgemental as Snopnagle has been in the pulpit, I find it hypocritical. Obviously he is not fit to be the minister in this village."
Snopnagle, who is now wearing the brunette wig again thanks to Wm having plopped it back onto his head for this filming, looks belligerently into the camera and blurts out, "My cabaret act will be in LosAngeles on July 10th, be there or be square!"
Randy and Steve can barely hold their cameras, they're laughing so hard.
William realizes he has to have as many witnesses as possible to explain why the reverend is no longer in the midst, so he goes outside again and calls to the villagers to assemble over at the parsonage. They hurry over gladly, leaving their gardening implements scattered over the gardens.
William marches Snopnalge, still in his watermelon dress, out the front door and announces, "The good reverend will no longer be our minister after today. I think what you see explains it as well as anything."
There is laughter and ribald comments are flung.
WandaSue's face registers shock. She pushes her way to the front of the group and yells out, "How'd you get my dress? It's mine!" goes up to Snopnagle and begins a futile attempt to take it off the man.
"I paid three thousand dollars for this!" Snopnagle objects angrily, "Get this hoyden off me!"
"It's mine!" Wandasue continues to yell as Hots and Moose pull her back.
After WandaSue has been subdued, William tells the group, "That's all for now........continue gardening or whatever you were doing when you were called away. We will tell the producer to find a new minister."
Everyone applauds and cheers.
Snopnagle glares at them, turns to William and declares, "I shall be out of here within the hour. Let go of me."
William does so and gestures for Rafe to release his hammerlock. Snopnagle quickly rushes into the parsonage and throws the few things he brought with him into a suitcase.
"I don't think we need to stay here," he tells Rafe as they walk away across the village square, "the man is quite harmless now, stripped of his ministerial duties and unmasked for the hypocrite he is. I'll phone Marty, tell him what happened, and hopefully he'll be able to find a more fitting minister."
Randy and Steve go back to filming the villagers gardening, still chuckling over the scene with the minister wearing the watermelon dress. "Randy, we have some once-in-a-lifetime footage here, Steve exclaims, "so until the next debacle, let's get that crazy lady lying on the ground in the middle of the garden chatting with the plants with that glazed look in her eyes. Think she's on something?"
"Not necessarily. Looks to me like a holdover from the Summer of Love, you know, back in 1967...before we were born."
"I heard about that....." Steve muses as the two walk over to the far garden behind house#2.......
QUEST FOR THE COIN.............by Coralynn
Wandasue sits on a tree stump and ponders. 'BB has to have sold that dress, probably on Ebay, I'd bet the farm on that! I wondered where that dress had gotten to. The only place I didn't look was in the boxes of stuff BB still had. Yep, he had it. He sold it. It showed up on that ridiculous minister. I'd like to give that Montgomery creep a piece of my mind!!
Celeste puts out a cup of tea for William as she sees him approach house #1. He enters and sits on a wooden bench, smiling as he sips some of the tea. "Ahhhh, Celeste, no one brews a cup quite like you!"
"William, I have to tell you something. I'm positive Sally Jennings brought her coin, Marilyn is right about that. I found a lot of incriminating evidence when I zapped back to town. Look at this......." she spreads the signed note from the check-out lady as well as the printout of the Story in front of him.
He examines them and nods, "Good work. Good work. Yes, we must get the coin from Sally. Your having one is one thing. Her having one is quite another matter. They've been cheating right, left and center. Now I know why she and Penny smell like fabric softener."
THE STING [sans the Scott Joplin music]......by Coralynn
"So how do we go about getting the coin from Sally Jennings?" Celeste asks William, who scratches his chin in contemplation.
"Well, there's the direct approach....just tell her we know she has it and request she hand it over, or demand she hand it over...."
"Or steal it," Celeste adds.
"How do you propose to do that? It says there on that printout you made of the Story that she keeps it on her person at all times."
"We could always have a cartwheel competition, and when she's upside down it could fall out of her pocket!" Celeste laughs.
William shakes his head, "I don't think so, but good try."
MEANWHILE:
WandaSue decides the time is right and marches over to where Sally Jennings is weeding the garden, which is difficult because she has to weed around where Daisy is lying still babbling to the plants.
Sally senses her presence and asks, "What'd'ya want, skank?"
WandaSue assumes a hurt expression and gives a wan smile, "I thought we could be friends, Sally. We used to be...."
"Yeah, until you started swiping my magic coin!" Sally snarks at her.
Since the sympathy angle isn't working, WandaSue tries the 'buddy' approach. "Those others are too stupid to bring a coin with them, but we aren't."
"What 'we' Kemosabe?" the corners of Sally's mouth turn down.
"We had some high old times," WandaSue tries to get a nostalgic look on her face. "We could again."
"In a pig's eye! And while we're on the subject of pigs, you haven't been holding up your end of the chores. You're supposed to be feeding our pigs and chickens. You haven't been, I can tell by how skinny they look. Why did you come here anyway?"
"For the milliion dollars, just like you," WandaSue flings at her.
"No way are we going to win with a house where only two people are worth the powder to blow them up! You're more a hindrance and useless Daisy is.......well, useless. Has she moved from her prone position in the garden in the past couple days?"
WandaSue moves in closer for the kill, and whispers, "She thinks she can get the plants to grow faster if she 'communes' with them, or so she says. Pretty funny."
"Not all that fun....." Sally begins to say something when she is bumped against by WandaSue, who then runs away across the village square. Sally resumes weeding and puts the incident out of her mind.
WandaSue, coin in hand, runs behind the communal outhouse and tells the coin where to take her. It zaps her away.
Sally wonders how many interruptions she's going to have to put up with when William approaches her.
"Sally, I have a delicate matter to discuss with you," he prefaces his confrontation.
"Oh really? And just what would that be? You going to send WandaSue and Daisy back and get us some real people to take their places in the house? Do you know what a handicap Penny and I are working under?"
"I know they aren't good workers, but that's another subject. What I came here to discuss is how you and Penny have been going back to Chappaqua almost every night. You've been reported as being seen in the Stop & Shop, and your clothes give off the unmistakable aroma of fabric softener. No one has seen you launder them the old fashioned way like everyone else has had to do. What do you say for yourself?"
"I say you have an over-active imagination!" Sally growls at him.
Willam puts out his hand, palm up. "Put your coin in my hand, Sally. Now."
"I don't have a coin. Give it up, fatstuff!" Sally starts to hoe between the rows very vigorously to cover her nervousness.
William grabs one of her arms and while she flails at him with the other one, reaches into her pocket to retrieve the coin. Not there. He looses his grip on her arm and she backs away from him looking shocked. "What are you doing, copping a feel? I knew you were a dirty old man, and this proves it! I'm going to report you to the Producer.....what's his name...."
"Marty Henshaw," William tells her.
"Yeah, him. Then I'm going to tell the National Enquirer what a pervert you are and it'll be on the cover of their paper and you'll lose that cushy cooking show you have on TV......."
William has had enough. "I want the coin, Sally. Now. I'm not the only person here who knows full well that you have it. Hand it over."
Penny, weeding about 20 feet away, walks over to see what's going on. When she hears William demand that Sally hand over the coin, she sneers at him, "She hid it and you'll never find it, so there!" and walks off.
"I rest my case," William states while Sally looks daggers at Penny's retreating form.
Sally feels in her pocket to make sure the coin is indeed in there, which is done so automatically that she doesn't realize she's giving away its location.
She feels around, then some more, then panics and yells, "GONE! It's GONE!"
KEEPING IT UNDER WRAPS...........by Coralynn
William, Celeste and Marilyn are in house #1, William holding his cellphone, which he has been allowed, being the Governor of the Colony and all.
"I have to phone Marty Henshaw and request a new minister. I'd be perfectly happy without one at all, but back in 1643 it was unheard of to be without one, church attendance being mandatory."
"Let's hope he comes up with someone better than Snopnagle!" Marilyn exclaims.
"Anyone would be better," Celeste says, "but before you phone him, William, I have a concern. Marty Henshaw knows nothing about many of the participants being time travelers."
"I'm concerned about that, too," William agrees, "when I confronted Sally Jennings about her coin and how she and Penelope Patterson have gone into town most nights, that doesn't make any sense unless anyone viewing it knows about the time travel aspect of this. They filmed that whole scenario, too. When the coin was mentioned, I caught a curious look pass between the cameramen. This is getting dicey."
"Issuing demerits to house #2 because they used their coin will blow the lid off," Marilyn states.
"I know. We can give them one because Daisy lies in the garden most of the time, but that's all." William passes the cellphone from hand to hand.
"We'll have to be very careful," Celeste sums it up. "though telling Marty about the reverend buying that dress and wearing it doesn't involve any aspect of time travel, so go ahead, William."
William punches in the number and is soon connected, "Marty! This is William at the 1643 House. Fine, or at least pretty good, how about you?.................glad to hear it.............we have a situation here. The minister, who I might add, was all hellfire and brimstone and pretty scary, turns out to be a crossdresser..........no, I'm not making it up...........stop laughing.............I know, I know, no big deal, but in 1643??? I don't think they were that tolerant................right...............we're sending him packing.................glad you agree................we need a replacement as soon as possible..................you think so?....................good. Tomorrow would be great.............you're a fast worker, my friend..................oh yes, they got the reverend in his big ugly dress on film..............true, it will be a good selling point..........yeah, ratings should go through the roof.............and then we have this ditzy dame who lies in the garden talking to the plants...................yep, how did you know?.............OK. Then we'll be expecting the new minister tomorrow. Thanks, Marty!"
He turns to the two women, "Tomorrow. So far so good. I have to make sure that coin doesn't show up again, though. If Sally doesn't have it, who does?"
Celeste and Marilyn smile at each other, followed by Celeste saying, "Try WandaSue! Unless we miss our guess, she's missing from the village right now, as we speak. Go see if you can find her, William. If you do, we'll eat our shirts!"
EARTHQUAKE AFTERSHOCK..JOCK....by Terri
The next morning the phone was curiously silent. Never mind the fact that John unplugged it.
Rosamond was getting Will ready for school. She said to John, "I didn't realize all that Celeste did for me. When she gets back, I need to do something extra special for her."
"I'll drop him off at school on the way to work. What's going on at Planet?"
"OH! I forgot to tell you! Marty has put both our characters on kind of a hiatus. Daisy is off in Europe looking for her sister, they have you...I don't know where! But Marty is all involved with that 1643 project and subbed the Planet out to Carl and Damian. He told them not to touch our characters until he came back. So...we have the summer off! Isn't that marvelous?"
John grinned. "Marvelous! I have more time to get the fitness center organized. Which I need since half the staff is off playing pioneer."
Rose said, "John? You think the last of this...watermelon matter?..is over?"
John answered with a bravado he did not feel. "Oh, for sure, honey. It's over."
After Will and John left, Rose had Julie in her highchair as she cleaned the kitchen up. She put Julie down and the baby toddled after her as she went into the computer room to dust. Rose said to Julie, "Well, cupcake! Who'd have ever thought that your mama would be dusting and doing dishes? If Henry could only see me now.."
Julie said, "Ma-ma?" and hugged her teddy bear.
As Rose dusted around the desk, she saw that the phone was unplugged. "Wonder how that happened? Maybe your puppies did it, Julie!"
She plugged the phone back in. Within five minutes, the phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hey, is this Rosamond?"
"Yes. Who is this?"
"This is Howard Stern!"
"Howard Stern on radio?"
"Yes."
"Howard Stern the Shock Jock?"
Howard laughed. "The very one!"
"Howard Stern that wrecked my life?"
"Well, I wouldn't go that far...like they say, no publicity is bad!"
"Why are you calling me?"
"Because, Little Hottie...YOU ARE ON THE AIR!"
Rose sat there with the phone in her hand. "Why...?what....?"
"Hey, Rosamond! Our listeners want to know...is it really true you and Montgomery.."
CLICK!
Across town and on the highway, a black Corvette skidded to a stop and pulled off the side of the road.
John sat there and couldn't believe what he was hearing. Thank goodness she had the sense to hang up on him!
His cellphone rang. It was Rosamond, in tears. She could barely get out what she was trying to say. John said, "I know, darling. I heard. Unplug that phone. And I mean NOW! Use your cellphone. I'll talk to you in a bit."
John was getting madder and madder. He dialed the radio station. "WNYC. What's your request on the hitline?"
"Get Howard Stern on the phone."
"But he's on the air..."
John shouted, "YOU GET THAT LONG-HAIRED PERVERT ON THE PHONE OR I'LL COME OVER THERE AND YANK YOU THROUGH THE RADIO WIRES MYSELF!"
"Uh...just a minute...."
"Hey, the Shock Jock here!"
John said, "Leave my wife alone."
"Huh? Buddy, I'm not fooling around with your wife...I got a girlfriend, ya see...."
"This is John Gwinnett."
"John Gwinnett? The new husband of Little Hottie?"
"The very one."
Howard Stern motioned to his assistant Robin to flip the switch to broadcast the conversation.
"Hey, dude! What can I help you with?"
"Leave my wife alone. No phone calls. No more talk about her. And if you do, I will slap you and Montgomery with a lawsuit that will tie you up in court for years!"
Stern laughed. "Hey, buddy! Bigger men than you have tried! Ever hear of the FCC?"
John clicked his cellphone off.
The radio said, "Well, that was the husband! Seems he's a tad upset by the attention his wife received. Think he's jealous, Robin?"
Robin said, "You know how these actor types are, Howard!"
Howard continued on until John couldn't stand it anymore and turned his radio off.
He sat there for a minute trying to get control of his anger. But it wasn't working.
He called the fitness center.
"Joel here."
"Joel, it's John. I am going to be a bit late. I have to take care of someone..SOMETHING! Something I need to take care of. I'll be in as soon as I can."
"OK, boss! Oh! I was just listening to the radio and..."
CLICK!
John whipped his car around and headed out Highway 141 towards Beacon Falls. Towards the Montgomery Ranch. Good thing there were no cops around. He would have gotten the mother of all speeding tickets.
THERE'S A NEW GUY IN TOWN............by Coralynn
James Philbrook, huge smile on his face, dials the phone.
"Betty Ford Clinic!" he hears the cheerful voice of the receptionest.
"Uhhhhh, this is James Philbrook. I was scheduled to check into your clinic next Monday. I'm cancelling."
"You wish to reschedule?"
"No. I wish to cancel altogether."
"I can do that for you, but, Mr. Philbrook, I must advise you against this. I see on your application that you're addicted to four different substances. Is this wise?"
Philbrook gets a glazed look in his eyes, then manages to focus them, "Yeah. Bye now."
"Hell, I'm gonna get paid to go to a place where I can detox!" he congratulates himself, "Plus, I get to pretend to be a minister." he weaves around precariously, then pops a pill to steady himself.
"I wonder if I can just put a few of these in my suitcase. Yeah, just a few, just in case." he tosses several bottles of pills and a stash of weed into his suitcase and latches it.
As the cab drives over the ruts in the road on the way to The 1643 House, Philbrook groans and clutches the armrest. Where is this place anyway? They couldn't have put it closer to town, whatever town that would be?
The cab stops at a meadow and the driver tells him, "This is as far as I'm allowed to take you."
"Where's the place I'm supposed to go?" Philbrook asks, totally confused.
"You walk over this meadow, through a woods, and it's on the other side of that, is what I've been told. Here, let me help you with your luggage." the cabbie gets out of the vehicle and proceeds to lift the heavy, shapeless suitcase out of the back.
After he sets the suitcase down and can see that his passenger is safely out of the cab, he turns around and drives back the way he came.
James lifts the suitcase and walks into the meadow. It's a warm day, unusually warm for late May. James takes off his jacket and sits down in the tall grass and weeds. "I say there," he muses to the empty meadow, "I think this calls for one last toke."
Opening his suitcase he takes out some weed and lights it up. Inhaling deeply, he gets a placid look on his face, then, after the joint is put out, he lies back in the grass and falls asleep.
SHOWDOWN AT THE MONTGOMERY RANCH....by Terri
Billy Bob was listening to the radio as he made his breakfast. That Howard Stern!
What a great guy!
He flipped his eggs and put a few slices of bacon in the skillet, whistling.
"I WANT MY THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS, YOU SORRY PIECE OF GARBAGE!"
Billy Bob froze right where he stood. He slowly turned around. "What are YOU doing here? Aren't you supposed to be playing Davy Crockett?"
"Never mind that! You--you thief! YOU STOLE MY WATERMELON DRESS!"
"I did no such thing! It was in the attic."
"So?"
"The 'so' is that it was considered abandoned property!"
"It was NOT abandoned! I was still living here."
"Yeah, once upon a time! Listen, the day you became invisible..."
"You mean the day you burned all my stuff!"
"Whatever! You ran off with Sammy Carter for a wild weekend when we were married so that's when I was 'abandoned' so forget it!"
"Did that 'peachfuzz' pay up?"
"Yes, and the money went onto a Paypal account which you can't touch, Dirtbag!"
"And if my brother wasn't such a turncoat, I'd have him beat you up!"
"Your brother."
"Yeah."
"Your brother will beat me up."
"Are you deaf? Yes!"
"Slim your brother? I think not!"
"Au contraire, mon frere.."
"Skank, mon frere is French for 'brother'--of which I certainly wasn't."
Wanda Sue snapped back, "You might as well be as far as..."
"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! I told you I wouldn't get ten feet near you. Read my lips.
I AM GETTING A DIVORCE!"
Wanda Sue said, "Oh, I think not, oh beloved husband of mine! Because the day you do, you can kiss this ranch goodbye. Or at least half of it. Because it becomes community property!"
Billy Bob started laughing. He turned his eggs over and said, "Oh, I think not! Wanda Sue, the joke is on you--white trash that you are! I sold the ranch to my father for ten dollars back in October. So I guess if it IS community property, you get 5.00. Enough to buy you a footlong meatball sandwich at Subway. Guess you have to spring for your own bag of chips and coke. Hey, I'll write you a check right now..but you have to give me a receipt."
Wanda Sue walked over, took the eggs out of the pan, and put them on a plate.
She took his bacon and added it to the plate.
Billy Bob protested, "Hey, that's MY breakfast, skank!"
He grabbed for it and Wanda Sue held the plate away from him while she took a slice of bacon. "Uh uh, oh loving husband of mine! COMMUNITY PROPERTY! And that includes the breakfast! Now! Sit down and I will tell you what I have learned. SIT! DOWN! NOW! Or I dump a pot of coffee in your lap. And you can get that warm and fuzzy feeling again, courtesy of me."
Billy Bob sat down, leaned back with his arms folded across his chest. He narrowed his eyes. "And just when did YOU get a law degree from an accredited school in New York? Who's the lawyer here? Who passed the bar in New York? I don't see the name Wanda Sue Skaggs, Esquire--do you?"
She said, "No, it would say Wanda Sue MONTGOMERY!"
She continued to munch. "Now, I shall enlighten YOU, my stud-muffin cowboy-turned-My-Cousin-Vinny! According to law, New York is an 'equitable distribution' state. Marital property acquired during the marriage will be equitably divided between the spouses based on a lot of factors. The ones that really caught my attention was the one on duration of marriage and any transfer of property in anticipation of divorce.
It is no secret that we have been married--what, fourteen? NO! It will be fifteen years this June! Happy Anniversary, lover!--and you sold this ranch to your father in October? EEEEHHH!! Wrong answer! The judge will see what you did and null and void the property transfer. Back to square one."
She leaned over and grabbed BB by his shirt front and dragged him across the table.
She got right in his face and said, "Now, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the fun way!"
"You slob! You're getting bacon grease on the front of my shirt!"
Wanda Sue did not let go. She stared him down.
"OK, OK--what are the options?"
Wanda Sue, still clutching him like grim death, said, "The easy way is that you give me the value of half of all your assets. Notice I said assETS. That means you lose the ranch. Because I will sell my half to a trailer park that allows children and rents by the week. Complete with a 7-11 on the corner!"
"And the 'fun' way?"
Wanda Sue planted a big kiss on BB's mouth. "We stay married for all eternity and you get to keep all that lovely land just the way you want it!"
She let go of his shirt and he went flying back in his chair, furiously wiping his mouth.
Wanda Sue said, "And you would only owe me 1500.00 on the Watermelon dress."
Outside a low growl of an expensive car was heard screeching up the driveway.
The slam of a car door.
Wanda Sue looked out the window and said. "Well, well, well! Will there be no end to your popularity? Because I do believe the honorable John Gwinnett has come to call! And I don't think this is a social visit!"
Billy Bob grabbed Wanda Sue and pulled her down to the floor as he dived down too.
He pushed her head into the floor tile.
She muffled, "Hey! If you wanted some action, this floor is cold..."
Billy Bob hissed, "Shut up! SHUT UP! If we are quiet, he may just go away...pretend like we aren't here."
Wanda Sue grabbed BB by the neck and flipped him over. She then sat on his back and smacked him on the back of the head.
"YOU THINK I AM GOING TO MISS THIS? Oh, no! I'd forfeit my three thousand dollars just to watch new lover-boy kick the snot out of you!"
"SHHHHH!!!"
John ran up the back porch steps and pounded on the door. "HEY MONTGOMERY!! OPEN THIS DAMN DOOR BEFORE I COME IN THERE AND KICK YOUR HEAD IN!"
Billy Bob clamped his hand over Wanda Sue's mouth. She bit him.
"&*^%$!!! YOU DIRTBAG!"
John heard that. "I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE AND IF YOU DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR IN TEN SECONDS, I AM KICKING IT IN! TEN...NINE..EIGHT...SEVEN...SIX...
FIVE...FOUR...THREE...TWO....ONE.! NO? OK THEN!"
He drew his foot back and gave a mighty kick. The door flew open.
Wanda Sue and Billy Bob were on the floor, Billy Bob on top of Wanda.
John looked shocked. "What? I think I am gonna be sick!"
Billy Bob jumped up. "It's not what you think!"
Wanda Sue stood up and grinned. She put her arm around Billy Bob's neck, smiled devilishly and said, "I think I want a cigarette! Great, Billy Bob! Like old times!" She gave him a big kiss on the cheek. Billy Bob gave her a shove and she went flying into the stove. He brushed himself off, and snarled, "And what do YOU want, Gwinnett? Cripes, why can't you just leave me alone?"
John stood there, fists clenched at his side as he fought to control himself.
"I would love to. LOVE TO! I wish we never heard of you! But there it is. Constantly. Always in our face. Well, it's going to stop. And it is going to stop now!"
Billy Bob leaned against his countertop, folded his arms across his chest, and assumed an air of bravado that he did not really feell when confronted with an outraged husband. Sheesh, I haven't felt like this since that redhead's husband caught us.
"Just what is your problem, Gwinnett? I don't seem to recall seeing your wife for a while. Last time I saw your wife was.." He stopped. He didn't want John to know that Rose hunted him down like a deer at the Dew Drop Inn and punched his lights out.
"..was when Bethia Bidwell had her babies. At the hospital."
John took a step closer and Billy Bob ever so slightly stepped closer to his cabinets.
John got in his face. "You had to go and place that ebay ad for that ridiculous dress..."
Wanda Sue, fascinated up to this point, yelled, "HEY! It was not ridiculous! That dress was reall big-time!"
John turned to her and said, "I don't recall talking to you." He turned back to Billy Bob.
"It was bad enough that you had to describe your tale of woe...and why you did it, I'll never know. Have you no pride?"
Billy Bob bristled at that. "Of course I have my pride! And I think I am totally vindicated..and WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE AND ON MY PROPERTY ANYWAYS, GWINNETT?"
John grabbed Billy Bob by the shirt collar. His hands slipped off. John said, "What is this grease?"
Billy Bob straightened his shirt. "I ran into a skank with bacon grease on her paws."
John got back in Billy Bob's face. "I am here to set you straight once and for all. You don't mention my wife's name. You don't even think of her! She doesn't exist for you."
Billy Bob tapped his head. "Sorry, pal. She's up here. You think I don't wish I could forget? She's torpedoed my life."
"So the way you get even is by publicly humiliating her?"
Billy Bob pushed John back. "For starters."
"Starters? Ebay was bad enough. But no, you had to go on national radio. You embraced Howard Stern like he was a long lost frat brother!"
Billy Bob waved his hand airily. "Oh, that! No big deal."
"No big deal? You reveal personal stuff about Rose and humiliate her publicly and you say 'no big deal'? Have you no respect for her...or yourself?"
"Hey, pal, I wasn't asking the questions. Besides, she likes the attention. She always did. So I revealed a few anecdotes about us. Hey, you like the one about making love in the barn? Or the meadow? Or in the....?"
Billy Bob stopped. Because John's fist connected with his jaw and Billy Bob went down on the floor. Wanda Sue clapped her hands. "Way to go, Johnny boy! He's humiliated me, too! Think about it! He told everyone there in Radioland that he committed adultery on ME with Rosetramp!" She looked closer at Billy Bob. "Hey, he looks kind of glazed over like a Krispy Kreme donut. I guess owning a fitness center paid off!"
John looked at Wanda Sue and said, "Aren't you supposed to be living with the racoons?"
Wanda Sue scrambled to her feet. "Let's just say the racoons gave me the day off."
Billy Bob groaned and got to his feet. He moved his jaw back and forth. "Hell, man, what is your problem? If anyone should be pissed off, it's me. The two of you cheated on me right and left. How do you think THAT felt?"
John said, "I have an idea. Because we loved each other and she had to go home to you."
Billy Bob shook his head. "That doesn't make any sense."
John turned to go. He said, "If you mention her one more time publicly, we will contact Patrick O'Malley and slap you with a law suit that will freeze your assets for a long time!"
Billy Bob sneered, "You don't scare me. You forget--I'm a lawyer myself. Hey, Gwinnett...DON'T LET THE SCREEN DOOR HIT YOU IN THE ASS ON THE WAY OUT!"
John got in his car and burned out of the driveway.
Wanda Sue turned to Billy Bob and said, "He'd better not freeze MY assets!"
Billy Bob reached for an icepack and filled it with ice cubes. He put the bag to his face and said, "Dirtbag, just leave..before I kick you in YOUR assets!"
He pushed her out the door and locked it. Wanda Sue's assets----SHEESH!
SUNDAY SERVICES ANYONE?.........by Coralynn
When James Philbrook awakens he sees the sun high in the sky, a little to the west.
He stares up at it, then remembers hearing that you risk permanent eye damage if you look right into the sun. He keeps gazing at it anyway.
"Must be early afternoon, or.....early evening? Let's see, since I was told not to bring a watch, I have no bleepin' idea what time it is!"
He gets to his feet and looks around for his suitcase, which is only a matter of inches from him. He scans the surrounding area and starts to panic. "I had that suitcase, now where it is?!"
He decides to go looking, and, as he begins to walk to his left, bumps against it and falls back to the ground. "Oh there you are, you naughty, naughty suitcase!" he pats the faux-leather. Standing once again, he lifts it and finds it heavier than he remembers. Putting it down again, he kicks it with one foot, then the other, as he makes his torturous way toward where the cabbie said The 1643 House stands.
An hour later James sees the village ahead of him. "My God, what is that?!" he stops and looks at a ragamuffin collection of cabins. "I'm supposed to live there?"
Forging ahead anyway, since it's less trouble than walking clear back to where he was deposited by the cab, he enters the village. The exertion has taxed his energy so completely that he lies down for one last rest, and immediately falls asleep.
He has no idea how long he's slept when he opens his eyes to see a pretty brunette staring down at him, asking, "You the new reverend?"
"Yeah. That's the deal," he answers.
"Well, we've been waiting for you. This is Sunday and we're all ready for church services. You'd better hurry!"
James slowly picks himself up, tries to focus his eyes, shakes his head to clear it, and follows the pretty brunette to a building that resembles a church. When they enter, he sees that the pews are full of oddly-dressed people sitting quietly, waiting.
A large, older man approaches him and tells him, sotto voce, "I'm William, Governor of the Colony, and I presume you're Rev. Philbrook. I hope it's not too inconvenient, but, being Sunday, we're all assembled here for services."
James nods his head several times until he realizes it's giving him a headache, and slowly makes his way to the pulpit, kicking his suitcase along with one foot, then the other.
He grasps both sides of the lectern to steady himself and looks out at the congregation. The people are all sizes, shapes and ages. He doesn't know which demographic to address, so he just plunges in and gives it his best shot.
"We will sing a religious song first," he begins, "Kum-ba-yah."
A pretty blond who looks surprisingly like Marilyn Monroe, steps up to the podium and tells him, "That's a camp song, not a church song."
"OH! Alright, how about "Let It Be" by that guy who sang with the Beatles!" he knows he's hit on a good one with that, Mother Mary being in the very first line and all.
The same blond who looks suspiciously like Marilyn Monroe approaches him again and says, "Mother Mary refers to John Lennon's mother, not the Virgin Mary."
"Shit!" he says a little too loudly. The guy who said he was the Governor sits up straighter and glares at him.
"OK, so prepare for my first sermon," he says slowly, casting around in his mind for what to preach about. Ahhhh hell, he thinks, just let it come out man, go with the flow!
He begins.
"We are assembled here today to witness the joining of this man and this woman...."
The blond, who is now a permanent fixture on the podium, whispers, "That's the wedding ceremony!"
"OH!" he again shakes his head, then tries another one.
"OK, here goes: you have all scored major Brownie Points with the Lord for having shown up here today in this God-forsaken place. Had you decided to go fishing, that would have been fine, too. Fish are also created by the....the......the creator for our......our eating. Yeah. So you'd be doing God a huge favor by removing several of them, killing the little suckers and eating them. This is in The Plan."
Since the blonde is not stopping him this time, he smiles and goes on.
"You wonder what is a sin? You don't wonder? Well, you should. Uhhhhhh, a sin is when you.......you do something really, really terrible. Like maybe sleeping with your brother's wife, yeah, that one is bad. Or.........let's see........hmmmmm........I guess that's the only sin I can come up with right now, but you get the idea. That's all folks, go back to wherever it was you were before."
He steps down from the podium and sees that Governor guy come toward him again.
"I'll show you to your residence," the man tells James. "You can access it through this door that connects the parsonage with the church."
Sure enough! James thinks this is just too cool for words, manages to look up at the Governor and tell him, "If you don't mind, Gov'ner, I think I'll take a little nap."
"Surely, your journey must have been taxing," William comments as they step into the parsonage and James makes straight for the bed, waggling his fingers, cheerfully saying, "Later, dude!"
Celeste and her housemates are almost to house#1 when she hears Daisy Moonbeam Freedom yelling, "Celeste! Wait up!"
She turns to see Daisy, who is almost unrecognizable now that she's gone a couple weeks without heavy makeup, running up to her.
"It's him!" Daisy says excitedly.
"It's him who?"
"It's Reverend Jim!"
"Who?!"
"Remember Woodstock? Remember Reverend Jim Philpot the guru?"
Celeste creases her forehead, then shakes her head, "Not really."
"Surely you remember that gorgeous fellow who was the center of attention. The girls couldn't get enough of him!"
"And......"
"And our new minister is HIM!"
"I thought his name was James Philbrook."
"Maybe now. He could have changed it so that those of us who had mad crushes on him couldn't 'google' his name and find out where he is!"
"Well, Philbrook, Philpot, Phil-whatever, I still don't remember him." Celeste resumes walking toward house #1.
Daisy grabs her arm, "He's returned to me! I knew he would!"
"You think he came here because he knew you were here?" Celeste is almost laughing by this time.
"I knew our stars would lead us back to each other. Now the love of my life has returned to me! I am over the Moon!"
"You're over the Moon alright!" Celeste quips as she enters the house and leaves Daisy standing outside, still beaming with happiness.
"What was that all about?" Eleanor asks.
"Oh boy, this is just ducky! Daisy thinks our new minister is some guy she had a mad crush on when we were at Woodstock back in 1969."
"Could he be?" Eleanor asks.
"Sure. He's about the right age, and that dissipated look he has pretty much testifies to his lifestyle the past 35 years. Wonder where Marty dug him up?!"
Marilyn lights the fire under the kettle of soup. "At least he isn't mean like the other minister we had."
"You have to actually be conscious to be mean," Celeste chuckles, "Unless I miss my guess, our new minister is a total burnout, which means we won't have to worry about him getting tough on us. He probably spends most of his time in another dimension altogether."
"I found him asleep in the village square," Bess adds, "I woke him up and told him we were waiting for him so we could start church. He did have a glazed look in his eyes.......is that what 'burnouts' have?"
By now Celeste is laughing heartily, "Oh yes, my girl, they most certainly do. I think we're in for a rollicking ride!"
IN SEARCH OF A LOO.......by Coralynn
Rev. Jim Philbrook/Philpot opens his eyes and sees an odd looking celing. "Where am I?" he asks himself. He tries to travel back in his memory, but, since his memory is pretty well shot from too much pot, he sits up and looks around, hoping to get some clues from his surroundings.
"My oh my, what a charming, old-fashioned house," he says cheerfully, "wherever I am, it's very nice. I like the lace cutrains at the .........uhhhhh......whatever those things are that you look out. oh yeah, windows. Now I must use the bathroom..."
He rises to a standing position, starts to sway, but is steadied by grasping the bedpost.
There is only one door in the bedroom. He walks to it, opens it, and sees that it leads into the rest of the house. He looks for bathroom doors in the other rooms, and finds only one small closet. Confused, he exits a door that goes outside into the back yard.
"I must see what I can do about finding the bathroom," he ruminates as he uses the great outdoors for a lavatory.
In the spirit of discovery, as he has no idea how he got there, he walks around the parsonage till he can plainly see the rest of the village.
People are working in gardens. He walks over to one of the gardens and leans down to look at the small plants that have pushed up through the ground. The blond who is carefully pulling weeds feels someone's presence and glances up to see the Reverend's face just inches from her own.
His expession changes to surprise. "You look just like....."
"I know," she answers.
"Like.......like........uhhhhhh, you know, the blonde....."
"Right."
"In movies..........going over Niagara Falls in a barrel........"
"The movie was Niagara, but no barrel," she laughs.
"Then you......uhhhhhh.......dressed up like a woman to join a band because the mob was after you...."
"That was Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon who dressed up like women....."
He sits beside her on the ground and scratches his armpits, "then you threw a guy's shoes out the window......"
"Tom Ewell, yeah......"
"And a man said...........uhhhhhhh......now just a minute, I'll get it........uhhhhhh........"what a living doll, I wish I was dead....."
"Krahulik!" Marilyn adds.
"You were at a dark cowboy bar.......uhhhhhh......."
"Bus Stop?"
"Yeeeeeeah, why not. When does the next one come through here? I need to get back to town and find a bathroom."
"But you just arrived today!" the blond objects.
"I did?"
"Yes! You even preached a sermon in the church over there....."
He looks toward the church and rubs his eyes, "I did?"
"If you need a bathroom, there's a communal outhouse over there....." she points to where it sits, flies swarming around it.
James Philbrook stands and shades his eyes with his hand, squinting. Well, if she says it's bathroom....I guess I'll go see...
Before he takes off across the village green, he gets another good look at the blond and blurts out, "I know who you are! You're.......ummmmmm........you know.........that blond.........."
"I look just like her," Marilyn tries to sound serious, "It's a curse but I've learned to live with it."
James starts off in the direction of the outhouse, but half way across the village square hears a loud, almost hyserical woman's voice, "JIM! You've come back to me!"
Jim quickly runs into the outhouse and slams the door shut, turning the little wooden lever that keeps it shut.
He looks out one of the cracks between the wooden planks that form the front wall and sees this blousy, scary looking woman standing with one of her eyes on the other side, so they're eyeball to eyeball.
He jumps back, alarmed. Rats! he thinks, one of those women who accused me of being the father of their child or children has tracked me down! And to this place of all places! How'd she do it? I even changed my last name from.........Phillll.......uhhhhh.....whatever.........to Philbrook. Still this one found me!
"I know you're in there, Reverend Jim!" the woman's voice, sugery yet strident, intones over and over.
He looks for a way to escape this smelly little room. No door at the back, rats! I refuse to escape down that cutout hole........euuuuu.....so the front door is it, is it?? He sits down and waits for the woman to tire, give up and go away.
She not only has great staying power, but when a man walks to the outhouse to use it, she growls at him, "He's mine! I saw him first!"
"Whatever are you talking about, you demented shrew?" Daniel snarls at her and tries to open the door.
"He's in there!" Daisy tells him.
"Hey, man, come out. My turn!" Daniel yells into the crack between the planks that make up the front wall.
Now what do I do? James thinks, how can I escape that madwoman out there? I know, I'll pretend I'm sick.......
He begins to groan loudly, "Ohhhhh I am so sick......" over and over.
"I'll take you over to Doc Diamond's," Daniel says through the crack in the wall, "but you have to come out, fella!" he turns to Daisy and asks, "Who's in there anyway?"
"Just the love of my life!" she tells him proudly. "He's come back to me!"
Daniel bursts out laughing, "To you? Is he crazy?"
Before Daisy has a chance to toss back a rejoinder, the door opens and James Philbrook, the esteemed reverend, emerges, looking green around the gills, mainly from the aroma he's had to inhale for the last 5 or 6 minutes.
"Take me to the Doc," he addresses Daniel, being careful not to look at Daisy. She rushes toward him and would have embraced him had Daniel not put out his arm and blocked her way.
Randy and Steve, cameras rolling, follow Daniel and James as they walk over to Doc Diamond's house. They've been following James around since he arrived, hoping for some interesting scenarios, and haven't been disappointed.
A few knocks on the door and the Doc is swinging it open, allowing the two men, plus two cameramen, into his office where an examination table is set up. No signs of the advanced technology he's hiding in the rest of his house are visible.
"You look green!" he exclaims as he and Daniel help James up onto the examination table. "Did you get hold of some bad food, reverend?"
"I found him in the outhouse saying he felt sick," Daniel explains.
Doc Diamond chuckles, "The smell out there is enough to make anyone sick."
"He was being stalked by Daisy Moonbeam whats-'er-name, too," Daniel adds.
"Oh God! No wonder he's green!" the Doc says sympathetically.
James can sense that he has a ally in the good Doctor.
He looks at the Doc pleadingly and asks, "Can I stay with you?"
"But you have a parsonage over there by the church," Doc Diamond reminds him.
"But....but....that woman will know where to find me! I can't stay over there!"
"Why do you think she's stalking you?" Doc D. asks.
"Probably because she'll claim I'm the father of her child."
"That happens to you a lot?" the Doc's eyebrows raise.
"Way to go!" Daniel claps James on the back, "I have just the opposite problem: I have a child with a mother who denies I'm the father."
This fails to impress James, who is totally involved with his own inner demons. He shakes his head and replies, "Women are my downfall!"
After being in decent air for fifteen minutes, plus a mug of beer, James is feeling better, but still reticent about returning to the parsonage where the crazy woman will no doubt continue to stalk him.
"I can't go back to the pars......whatever you call that house, I just can't. Too dangerous."
"Well, I'm housing our two cameramen in this house, and we do have one extra bunk, but how would the villagers react if you refused to live in the parsonage?" Doc Diamond runs down some options.
"Ya gotta let me stay! It's a matter of life and.........and.......what's that other word?" James scraches his head.
"Death," Daniel fills it in.
"Yeah, that." James continues to keep a pitiful expression on his face.
"Wellllll," Doc Diamond purses his lips and pulls on his nose in concentration, "I could let you stay here and tell the villagers that you have a medical condition that needs monitoring."
"YES!" James Philbrook claps his hands in glee, "Thanks, Doc, you're saing my life. You won't re......."
"Regret it?" Daniel guesses.
"Bingo!" James hops down from the examination table and makes for the living quarters behind the office.
Randy and Steve exchange knowing grins, wondering how the reverend will react when he sees rooms that are up to 21st Century codes.
"He'll think he's died and gone to heaven," Steve whispers.
"My guess is that he won't even notice. His brain is fried!" Randy whispers back.
COIN TUSSLE..........by Coralynn
Marilyn stands to get an idea of how much of the garden she's weeded so far, and frowns. This takes forever! she thinks, but it has to be done.
Just as she's about to start in again, however, she's approached by Sally and Penelope, who seem in some kind of distress.
"Marilyn, you're our last hope!" Sally tells her, "WandaSue has my coin and won't give it back."
"You've asked her?"
"Well, no, but I know she won't. It's the third time she's stolen it, too. She's walking around here with a smirk on her face and I know why. She thinks we're too scared to confront her...."
"Well, aren't you?"
"Yes! But you helped us out before, and we wondered......"
"You want me to get it back for you," Marilyn concludes aloud.
"Would you?" Penelope brightens.
"On one condition, which you won't like. If I manage to wrest the coin from WandaSue, I keep it with me."
"But....."
"Look, ladies, we all know you used to coin to go back into town several times. You broke the rules, and I'm not about to abet you in breaking them any more. If you need the coin for a legitimate reason, and I stress the word 'legitimate,' then I'll lend it to you. But there is no good reason for you to have it. Those are my conditions."
Sally and Penny go into a huddle. "At least WandaSue wouldn't have it," Sally whispers.
"Yeah, but we won't either!" Penny whispers back.
"I don't trust anyone else to help, though," Sally says as she then turns to Marilyn and holds out her hand, "You have a deal!"
WandaSue struts around the village feeling very self-satisfied, "I guess I told him!" she mutters, "I'm going to be a rich woman no matter which way BB decides to go on the divorce issue! Ahhhhh, babydoll, you have come up smelling like a rose!"
At first she doesn't notice Marilyn gaining ground on her, but as the other woman is but a few feet behind her, turns and sees her worst nightmare sporting a very mean, determined expression.
"Give it up!" Marilyn grabs her arm, "Now!"
"Whatever are you talking about?" WandaSue manages an innocent look.
"The coin. Give it up. Now."
WandaSue laughs, "You must have had too much tainted beer, lady. You're hallucinating."
WandaSue expects Marilyn to continue arguing with her, but instead finds herself thrown to the ground, face down, her arms twisted behind her back. Damn! she thinks, now I know why the guys are so afraid of this woman.........she's vicious!
Marilyn sits on WandaSue as she feels in the pockets of the other woman's dress and voila! finds the coin. She extracts it, stand up again, and marches off.
WandaSue lies there another few seconds before she sits up. That witch! she thinks, I'll fix her yet. House #1 will burn to the ground or...........or........I'll tell William that she's broken a bunch of rules......yeah, I'll tell him she's spending the night with one of the guys. Hmmmmm, which one? Whatever, I'll just say she spends her nights in house #5 and let William fill in the blanks.
Feeling good about her plan, she gets up off the ground and goes to house #2, where, to her dismay, Sally and Penny are standing, grinning at her happily.
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