The women of house#1, the first house to be completed in the little village, awaken early. Celeste sits up and throws off her scratchy wool blanket, moaning "I am so stiff! We've gotta get ourselves some beds, ladies!"
"I think they sell them in the general store. Let's hitch up one of the horses to our wagon and go get some," Eleanor suggests.
"Do we have enough of that stuff that looks like Monopoly money?" Marilyn asks, standing and stretching.
"We're supposed to, right?" Bess asks, "I mean, they knew we'd have to buy beds when they doled out the money, yes?"
"We need a better floor, too, and oh yes, a much better roof than the tent we stretched out over the top of the house," Eleanor concludes, "so we have a lot of work ahead of us, gals!"
Marilyn goes to the narrow doorway and looks out as the early morning sun shines on the puddles left by the rain the night before. "Wonder how house or rather tent #2 did last night. Last time I knew, the women were chasing it across the village square. That'll teach them not to stake it down properly."
"Wonder how the others did," Bess ponders, "I hope Marthy and Jack are alright."
The four women get into clean attire and tie shawls around their shoulders as the morning is very cool. With no mirrors, though, they can't tell if they look fine or ludicrous.
"Wonder if they sell mirrors?" Marilyn says as she runs her fingers through her matted hair, "This hair needs help! Wish I knew just how awful it looks! When we get back from the store, I must wash it."
"With what? The big cakes of lye we have for soap?" Eleanor grouses.
Marilyn grins and opens her duffel, exposing her bottles of shampoo to the other women. They all laugh as she quickly yanks on the drawstring to close it up again.
As Eleanor is about to leave to hitch up the horse, William approaches the house carrying a trophy. For this she stops and waits for him to get nearer.
"Ladies!" he says cheerily, "You have won the first trophy, and, I might add, your very own outhouse!"
The other three women hear this and go outside to see him hand the trophy to Eleanor.
"We won, didn't we?" Bess says joyfully.
"You won the first contest, yes, but we still have a long list of other challenges to meet, however, you're off to a great start, ladies."
"Are the tents everyone else had to sleep in still standing?" Celeste grins.
"Tent #2 is gone," William looks puzzled, "I wonder where those women slept, out in the woods?"

MEANWHILE:

Penny and Sally wake up and strech. "Ahhhh, nothing like home sweet home!" Sally exclaims, "wonder where that skank WandaSue and useless Daisy slept last night?"
"Who cares?!" Penny responds, "But we better get back before we're missed. How's about taking these beds with us? think we could do it?"
"Probably, but listen, Penny, that would be a dead giveaway. Mayor William would have a cow and issue us demerits."
"Well, it was a thought, anyway," Penelope says as she gets up, goes down to the washer and drier and gets out their newly cleaned Colonial outfits.

WandaSue and Daisy have snuck into the church to sleep on the pews, and awaken when they hear sounds coming from the rectory.
"Better scoot out of here, Dais," WandaSue says as she pokes the prone form of the other woman, who is not responding.
She pokes harder. Nothing. The thought occurs to her that Daisy might very well have died, and the thought of sleeping with a corpse gives her the shudders.
"Wake the hell up!" she whispers as loud as she dares into the other woman's left ear.
"Uhhmmmmmph!" comes the reply.
Whew, WSue thinks, at least she isn't dead! That's all I'd need about now. She pokes her again and when she sees Daisy's eyes open, yanks on her. "We have to get out of here! I hear the minister! He could come in here and catch us, and that guy is mean!"
Daisy sits up and rubs the small of her back, "Ohhhh, ok," she says groggily as she allows WandaSue to drag her to a standing position and lead her outside.

The Reverend Charles Snopnagle opens his closet doors. Ahhhh, he thinks, as he rubs the pink silk fabric, this is my favorite dress......or Charlene, my alter-ego's favorite dress. He gazes longingly at the evening gown, experiencing something akin to an erotic urge to put it on. He shuts the closet door decisively. Not now, not today. But.......he opens the third drawer of his dresser, perhaps just this will get me through the day.
He lifts out a girdle and struggles into it. Ahhhh, that's better. The good book says to mortify the flesh, and this girdle does just that. He writhes in pleasure.
Putting on his regular clothes, he smirks. Nobody will ever know! he thinks as he feels the spandex contract his body under his black minister's garb.

WandaSue and Daisy walk to where tent #2 used to stand, and see Penny and Sally already there, scratching their heads, "We gotta go find it," Penny whines..
They hear a "Haloooooo" coming from the woods, and turn to see Hotspur dragging their tent, battered and torn, toward them.
"I suggest you ladies build your house as quickly as you can," he remarks, "this tent doesn't look like it'll last through another night, even a clear one!"
He dumps it in front of them and goes about his business, which is getting house #4 built.
Penny looks at WandaSue and Daisy and sneers, "Where did you two spend the night? Your clothes aren't wet, so it couldn't have been in the woods."
"Your clothes don't look like they got very wet, either," WandaSue sneers back, "and, unless my memory fails me, I sense the aroma of fabric softener!"
Penny and Sally stomp off and confer.
"What are we gonna sleep in?" Sally grumbles.
"Like that hunk Hots said, we have to build our house." Penny picks up one of the handsaws, looks at it and flings it down again. "How did those women over in house #1 get theirs built so fast? Some sort of magic?"
The sound of a rumbling wagon comes through the woods on the other side of the village, and all stop to see what it could be.
Sure enough, the four women of house#1 are coming back from the general store with a lot of goods in the back of the horse-drawn wagon.
They get out of the wagon and begin to carry the goods into their house. "These bedframes are sure heavy!" Bess yells.
"You'll be glad tonight we got them, though," Marilyn yells back, "And........look at the great wooden planks! It's going to take most of the day, but we could have a roof and a floor by tonight!"
Vinnie, Sheila, Marthy and Jack rush over and help carry in the materials.
"You don't have to do that," Eleanor assures them, "You need to spend your time working on your own house."
Jack examines the planks. "How much were these?"
Eleanor tells him and he counts the Monopoly money they have in their stash. "I wonder if I could buy enough for the whole house...." he ponders.
"It would pretty much drain your money," Celeste tells him, "so try to do as much as you can with the wood you have first."
This causes the four people of house#3 to go into a frenzy of activity.

"Better do the ceiling and floor before we assemble these beds!" Eleanor calls out.
Everyone agrees, and soon the sound of nails being pounded is heard all over the village.

Jerry sees how industriously the women of house#1 are working and chides himself, "Time to get off your duff, old man, and get this house built." He yells out, Hots! Rafe! Daniel! Hop to it!"
WandaSue and Daisy, who seem to have become friends more from default than anything else, sit on tree stumps and shake their heads.
Penny and Sally stand back away from them and confer. "There must be a way to get our house up without actually building it!" Penny suggests.
"Well, maybe we could pop over to the Colonial Village, you know, that one where they have the entire village of Southold, Long Island recreated, and zap one of their houses here," Sally says with enthusiasm. "Ya know, Sal, I like the way your mind works. Devious, just like mine!" Penny laughs.

After the horror that was the night before, everyone works as fast as he or she can to get as much house built as possible. The women in house #2 pretend to be building, but Penny and Sally wink at each other every now and again to acknowledge the idea Sally came up with earlier in the day.
Short breaks are taken for lunch and dinner, but very short. The sky doesn't look ominious the way it did the day before, but, as William keeps pointing out to them, this could change very quickly, so time is of the essence.
By mid-afternoon house #1 has a roof. By sunset it also has a floor. Eleanor, Marilyn, Bess and Celeste then assemble the beds.
"It's kinda cramped in here," Bess remarks as she shoves her bed against the wall, "and that stove over there takes up a lot of room! Are we really going to use it?"
Celeste ponders this, "Well, most of the time we're going to heat things over a campfire, but if it rains we'll have to rely on this stove, so we'll probably be glad to have it in here."
"It'll make this place awfully hot!" Eleanor realizes, "what say tomorrow we cut a window or two?"
"Let's not do anything hasty," Celeste warns, "every opening into the house is another place for the nasty weather to get in."
"But it's May, almost June!" Bess reminds her.
"But we don't leave here till the middle of November, Bess. Do you have any idea how cold it'll be by then?"
"Ohhhh yeah, it will. Hey, are we going to have Thanksgiving here?"
Celeste looks in her manual, "It says here that we'll have an early one here to wrap up the series, then we'll probably have one back home, too. And we will definitely be giving thanks...."
"Yeah! For running water, and electrical outlets, and...." Bess starts to count them on her fingers.

Randy and Steve have filmed more in two days than they thought they would in a week. "We'd better put in an order for more film!" Randy suggests as the two men walk to Doc Diamond's house. They knock on the back door and are admitted.
"How's it going, gents?" Doc Diamond gets up from his leather reclining chair.
"Fast and furious!" Steve answers, sitting on the couch, reaching for the remote. "Let's see, what's on Tuesday at 6 pm?" he looks in the TV guide that's thrown on an end table.
"The news mainly," Doc Diamond replies.
"Well, tell ya what," Steve tosses the TV guide down, "A few bites of grub and we'll be off filming till it gets dark, probably another 30 minutes or so. What do you have?"
Doc Diamond goes to the fridge and brings out big containers of leftovers, "Lobster bisque, crab cakes, chicken Kiev, what's your pleasure?"
"Our pleasure is that we get to live like kings in here while those poor folks out there make do with squat!" Randy laughs and puts some crab cakes in the oven.


_________________.....by Terri

"Hello?" "Hey, Jennilu, it's me. How's it goin'?"
"Bobby Joe, it's about freakin' time you called me! Where are you?"
"Still in the wilds of New York."
"So when are you coming back to Texas? At least for a visit."
"Don't know, Sugar. How is Beau and the kids?"
"Just fine." Then Jennilu got suspicious. "OK, Bobby Joe, what are you up to?"
"Up to? What makes you think I am up to anything?"
"Because you called instead of emailed. That means you want an answer pronto."
"Hey, can't I call my sister just to say 'hi'?"
"No, you can't! Mom and Daddy are the only ones you call and that is just because they are computer-illiterate."
"OK, OK. You got me there. Billy Bob and I..."
"Billy Bob? He's there with you? Then you are up to no good, the two of you."
"No, honest! It's innocent. We wondered how you were doing selling things on Ebay."
"Fine. Why? What do you want?"
"Want? What makes you think I want something?"
"Everytime you are with Billy Bob Montgomery, trouble ensues. Remember when you guys took me to Galveston with that horrid Wanda Sue Skaggs?"
Bobby Joe laughed. "And do you want to get even with her?"
"Oooh, don't toy with me, oh brother of mine! It would be a dream come true!"

Bobby Joe explained to Jennilu what he and Billy Bob wanted to do. Jennilu laughed.
"It sounds wonderful! Who knows? Maybe you will get semi-famous like that wedding dress guy!" "So how do we go about it?"
Jennilu explained the procedure. Billy Bob by this time had gotten on the extension and they plotted their course. Jennilu concluded by saying, "We will list it under my ebay trading name."
Billy Bob asked, "And what would that be, oh Texas flower?"
Jennilu laughed. "Why, I am listed under 'TexasTootsie'. All I ask is that you boys don't screw up my good reputation. I am listed with a 100% favorable feedback."
Bobby Joe said, "Thanks, Jennilu. I owe you."
Jennilu said, "It will be a pleasure to watch this one. And a great way to stick it to Wanda Sue Skaggs!"

They exchanged some local gossip and Jennilu hung up. Billy Bob and Bobby Joe popped open another beer, put their heads together and proceeded to write their 'ad.'

Exclusive Festival Gown for the Fayette County Watermelon Festival Item #5834057365
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Starting bid US 1.00

Time left: 6 days 25 minutes
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Ends May 09-04 21:02:27 PST
Start time: May 23-04 22:00:00 PST

Item location: Chappaqua New York USA
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Seller information:
TexasTootsie
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Description:

This Festival gown is from the Fayette County Texas Watermelon Festival. The Gown is a size 7/8. Worn once in 1988 at the Festival by the runner up who I had the misfortune to be married to. At the time she was a size 7 and looked great for about 30 seconds. I must have been drunk when I went out with her the first time. The trailer trash and I were a hot item. Lots of fumbling and bumbling in the back of my '85 Ford 4x4 pickup. She lived in a trailer, I was the rich boy up the hill. Do I need to paint you a picture of what I saw in her? She was willing and able. Did I mention she was willing?
I used to buy drugs from her brother. Then one day the Dirtbag told me she was 'knocked up' . Can I use that word on Ebay? 'With child?' Is that better?
Like a fool I believed her and we ran away to the next county. When I came back home with Dirtbag, my mother took a cherry pie out of the oven. And promptly stuck her head in it. My father called in the forces and got it annulled.
Turns out she wasn't preggers, she just wanted a piece of my inheritance. Put the episode behind me. And forgot about it.
I married a real hottie years later to a woman who said, "I am with child" and I married her. Turns out she was 'with child' alright--just not mine.
This I didn't find out until a year later. As the hottie was cuckholding me behind my back.
So I am going along thinking life is good. Hottie and I are expecting what I think is my progeny. Working at a marriage. Then Dirtbag comes on the scene and starts blackmailing me because our annulment never was legal. And she blackmails little Hottie over her affair. Hottie pays off Dirtbag with MY money. And I lose a million dollars to Dirtbag to keep her quiet. Then I have to flee the country through no fault of my own, (another story/auction, stay tuned) and little Hottie sells all my stuff at a yard sale. Dirtbag's brother spills the beans to Hottie that my first marriage is valid and she gets an annulment.. While I am 'dead.' Am I making any sense?
So here I am married to 'Dirtbag' and should be annulled, and annulled from 'Hottie' who I should be married to.
Hottie's new husband steals my jacket and I have to spend the night in jail because I tried to 'repo' it at a Starbucks.
New husband has a helluva swing.
Dirtbag constantly harrasses/annoys me. I am cleaning out the attic and found her Watermelon dress.
I will try to describe it. It has a pink sleeveless top with little black thingies stuck on it. I guess those are supposed to be watermelon seeds. The skirt is a green watermelon rind print, very full. Floor length. A hat is included, looks like a crown. Personally we think it looks like a watermelon fruit basket, the kind you carve and put melon balls in. Complete with handle which can double as a chinstrap.
If you purchase and bid on this now, I will include at now extra charge a melon baller that can be used as your scepter.
Outfit would look stunning if you are into fruit or want to get weird with your man.
Someone please bid on this and take it off my hands. I want no reminders of Dirtbag and that weekend we spent in Galveston with the polaroid. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it?
But then, maybe I will sell the polaroids under 'art' photographs. Going once...going twice....

WORKING THRU THE NIGHT?..............by Coralynn

Tent #2 is standing, lopsided, and with gaping rents in it, but WandaSue and Daisy lie down within it to pretend they're going to sleep there.
"Where are the other two?" Daisy asks.
"Who cares? This tent isn't big enough for four people! Let's you and me just stay in here till everyone else is asleep, then sneak in the church the way we did last night."
"But the pews are hard!" Daisy complains.
"So's the ground!" WandaSue argues.

Penny and Sally have gone into the woods to make sure no one sees them, then Sally ceremoniously gets out her coin and tells it to take them to the Colonial Village at Southold.
ZAP!
The village is quiet, but flickering light comes from many of the houses as the occupants prepare for bed.
"I didn't know they had people actually living in this place! I mean, it's just for show, for tourists to take tours through. Why the people? Why the lights?"
"This is odd," Sally responds.
The Constable approaches them and sternly warns, "Ye are out after curfew, goodwives!"
"Who are you?!" Penny asks. If he's an actor, he's sure doing a good job of it.
"Constable Spencer, of course!" he snarks at her.
"Oh hooooo, you are one authentic looking dude!" Penny reaches out and examines the rough material of his jacket.
He slaps her hands away and lifts the light he's carrying so he can see their faces. "Ye don't belong in this village! From whence do you come?"
"Oh my, 'from whence!' that's a good one, I'll have to remember that one and use it!" Sally mocks.
"I'm waiting for an answer!" is his response.
Sally gets into the spirit of the charade and answers, "We come from far away across the sea....... France! yes, that's the place!"
"France?! Ye are not welcome here. This is an English Colony. Depart!"
"Ohhhh brother, aren't you taking this re-enactment just a little too far?" Penny laughs.
"Depart or see the inside of the jail or the stocks!"
The two women exhange glances and Penny murmurs, "I think we'd better get out of here."
Sally touches the coin and they're back at the 1643 House.
"What just happened?" Penny want to know.
"Ya know, Penny, we may just have zapped ourself to the actual village of Southold way back in the 1600s. Let me give it a better try."
She makes sure she adds that she wants to Colonial Village that exists in the 21st Century, and when they arrive there, sure enough.....the houses are dark and the streets deserted.
"Whew!" they both breath audibly.
The two women walk through the town till they come to a house surrounded by a picket fence. "I like this one!" Sally declares.
"Can we get just the house and not the picket fence, though? I mean, we may be able to convince the others we built the house during the night, but that picket fence.......I don't think so."
"Hope this works!" Sally tells her, "I've never tried transporting something this large."
"How we gonna do it?" Penny asks.
"OK, let's both of us put our hands on this wall here, and I'll tell the coin to get us back to the 1643 House village. It could work, or......not."
They do so, and within one second find themselves back near the site of Tent #2 with one wall.
"HEY! We got just the one wall!" Penny complains, "do we have to go get the walls one by one?"
"Looks that way!" Sally zaps them back, and they repeat the procedure for the other 3 walls.
It's dark, of course, being the middle of the night, but the two women manage to lean the walls inward so that they hold each other up. Sort of.
"Should we sleep in our new 'house?'" Sally asks as she carefully makes her way inside where the walls are leaning precariously.
"Sure!" Penny lies down on the ground and grins, "If anyone asks, we can swear we built these walls. Hell, they were all too busy to really notice what we were doing. We can say this is early prefab."
"OK, then," Sally agrees. She lies there finding it impossible to fall asleep, but is just beginning to get drowsy when WHAM! the walls cave in on them.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED ON A HOT JULY NIGHT, 1988....by Terri

Billy Bob hit the print button on the computer. "That's a wrap! Sound good to you, Bobby Joe?"
Bobby Joe perused the printed page. "Sounds so good I am tempted to bid on it myself!"
"Not your size, Bobby Joe. And I don't think you can bribe one of your women to wear it!"
They set it up on Ebay, congratulate themselves on a job well-done and then resume their foraging in the attic.
Billy Bob had a thought. "I wonder if it would sell better if it had a model. Who could we ask to model it?"
Bobby Joe thought. "Carol Ann?"
Billy Bob shook his head. "No, she's too thin and bony. It would just hang on her."
"How about Verla?"
"Good idea, BJ."

"Hey, Verla, how are you?"
"Billy Bob! What's up?"
"Oh...not much. Say, you remember back in 1988 when Wanda Sue was the runner up for Watermelon Queen?"
"I'll say! I was only seven but the memory sticks in my mind like peanut butter to the roof of my mouth! There Wanda Sue stood with her crown and head held high and then they announced that Amanda Jane Watkins was Queen! Never did quite see that shade of purple. Not then and not since! Remember what she did?"
"No. Refresh me. I may have gone out to the truck to get...uh, to visit with her brother Slim."
"Well, Amanda Jane had begun her walk down the Watermelon path and was accepting her carved watermelon basket filled with balls of watermelon and primroses woven into it. And her sash. Wanda Sue came after her and started beating on Amanda Jane's head with that melon baller. Poor Amanda Jane dropped her basket and all the watermelon balls rolled all over. I'll never forget when Mayor Bradshaw slipped and fell in them. Got two watermelon balls stuck in his nostrils! But I digress! Amanda Jane had all these round pressure dents on her face where Wanda Sue smacked her in the puss with the baller. Ripped her bodice and those little black thingies--I guess they were watermelon seeds--went flying. Hit Hank Campbell in the eye, he had to go to the emergency room."
"Forget that--any more on Wanda Sue?"
"Well, sure. You think that skank would ge a gracious winner? She ripped the sash that said 'WATERMELON QUEEN 1988' right off Amanda Jane and Amanda Jane's skirt was hooked into it. There went the skirt. Flying off into the crowd. Think Tracy Byrd caught it. He was laughing his head off and yelled out, 'Hey, Amanda Jane! Ya gotta do the 'Watermelon Crawl' now!'
Amanda Jane just stood there trying to cover up--she had that lacy little underwear on. Bawling her eyes out. But hey, within six months she married Hank Campbell. Has six kids now, another one on the way. Wanda Sue yelled, 'If you didn't sleep with Pepper Colts, I'd have won! No fair!' On account of Pepper Colts' daddy was one of the judges. Of course that wasn't true. But Amanda Jane's reputation was shot to hell after that. Wanda Sue put the sash on and attempted to walk regally down the runway. Amanda Jane got her act together long enough to tackle Wanda Sue and they were rolling around on the stage and down the steps. This blur of pink and green fabric and white underwear. The melon balls were getting squished. Looked like possum roadkill, you know, where you run over them and their..."
"ENOUGH, Verla! I get the message."
"OK--so Pepper and Tracy and half a dozen others separated the two. Wanda Sue got kicked out of second place. Vowed she was gonna get out of town and be a lady. Think the next week she told you she was expecting and that you had to marry her. What a stupe you were!"
"Thanks for reminding me and commenting on my intelligence. I REALLY appreciate it."
"So, Billy Bob, why did you call your everlovin' cousin?"
"I need a favor of you."
Billy Bob explained to Verla about the ebay auction and said he needed a model for the dress. Verla exhaled a loud, "NO WAY, JOSE! You need a model that bad, do it yourself!" and hung up.
Billy Bob held the phone away from his ear and looked in the mouthpiece like he could see Verla. "Verla? Verla, honey? Come back!"
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ was the answer. Billy Bob turned to Bobby Joe and said, "I take that for a no. She suggested I model it myself."
Bobby Joe raised an eyebrow to Billy Bob.
BB said, "No! No way! Uh uh!"
Bobby Joe said, "Maybe Tequila Sunrise would do you a favor."
"Are you out of your mind? She may be blonde, but she'd realize in a heartbeat that 'Little Hottie' is her. I just want to keep this auction on the QT. Maybe just make a couple bucks. It is a catharsis to write that all down."
BJ said, "So..why don't you model it, Billy Bob? Come on! I'll take a digital pic of you in it. Besides, who is gonna see it?"


DAWNS EARLY LIGHT..........by Coralynn

Sheila and Marthy exit the tent to fetch some water from the creek to use for washing when they see something odd, very odd indeed.
As they glance over to where tent #2 stood, they see wooden walls all piled one atop the other, helter skelter.
"What on earth?!" Sheila exclaims.
"How'd those get there?" Marthy is shocked.
"We'd better ask William," Sheila says and within a few minutes they're standing outside house #4, which is almost complete, the occupants having slept in it that night.
They peek in their heads and call out, "William! Are you in there?"
He rouses and sits up, "What is it? Aren't you two out awfully early this morning?"
"Have to get wash water," Sheila explains, "but we didn't wake you up to tell you that. Come see what's at house #2!"
"OK, let me get my breeches on and meet you outside." William puts on said breeches and exits the house.
"Look! Over there!" Marthy points toward the pile of walls.
"Good merciful heavens, what have they done?" William and the women hurry over to the site of where a battered tent stood just the night before.
Moaning sounds come from underneath the walls. William gestures for Sheila and Marthy to help him lift the wall lying on top, then the wall just beneath that one. By now Hots and Rafe are also outside, and run over to see what on earth is going on.

Between the five of them, the walls are soon lifted away and they see Penelope and Sally Jennings lying on the ground.
"Get the Doc!" William yells to Rafe and Hots, who take off running to the Doctor's house.

Doc Diamond, Randy and Steve are just finishing their breakfast of bacon and eggs when they hear pounding on the front door.
The two cameramen grab their equipment and follow the Doc to the door, filming as the door is flung open and they see Hots and Rafe yelling, "Come quick! Two women have been crushed by their house walls!"
Totally perplexed, they follow Hots and Rafe to the site of house #2, and sure enough, there are two women flattened out on the ground, moaning.
The Doc kneels down and asks, "Ladies, is anything broken?"
Sally thinks this is a stupid question and replies, "How would we know, you're the doctor!"
"Oh good, this one is conscious," he then tests out Penelope, who responds to his presence by saying "*#$&#$*!"
"Looks like this one is, too. Now, since we're in a situation very like the one with that young man......what's his name....."
"Travis McGee," William furnishes the name.
"Yes, yes. Like him. Since this is so similar, we may have to carry these women to my office."
"You still don't have a stretcher?" William is aghast.
"One should arrive this afternoon, but....no, not right now. We'll need more people to carry them, too."
"The hell!" Sally stands up and glowers, "Nobody gets to put his foul hands on me!"
"Do you think you can walk the distance between here and my office?" Doc Diamond inquires.
"Of course! I don't know about Penny, there, but I am fine, just fine!" she declares even as she feels sore all over her body.
Penny, not wanting to appear a wimp, also stands and reels precariously. "I'm fine, too," she lies.
"Well, let me at least help you," William offers, "Here, lean between Hots and me.....there.....that's good."
They semi-carry her to the office while Sally does her best to stride purposely alongside, wondering if she's going to pass out before they get there.

By now, almost everyone in the village is up, and watching this scenario play out.
Marilyn is laughing so hard she can hardly speak, "Oh man! Looks like one of their tricks backfired on them. Look at those walls over there. I suppose they're going to pretend they built those?!"
Celeste shakes her head, "Don't forget, Sally Jennings has a magic coin, and methinks she used it last night. Unwisely, of course. I sure wish we had our computer with us. We could look it up in the Story."
Eleanor gets excited, "Celeste! Did you bring your coin?"
"Well, yes, I did," she admits.
"Look! Just zap yourself back to the big house, get the Story up on the computer, find out and zap yourself back here. Nobody will know!"
"Good idea, especially since everyone is so involved with those two ninnies, they'll never miss me!" she touches her coin and disappears.


HOME FOR HALF A SECOND....by Terri

Celeste touched down in the gazebo and walked up the back steps. Rosamond was sitting at the table making a grocery list. Julie was in her high chair, apricots smeared in her hair.
Rose looked up. "CELESTE! MOM! Did you capitulate already? Oh, you are home to stay! How wonderful!"
Celeste hugged the young woman she thought of as her daughter. "No, dear. I am here to look at the computer. And give this little sweetheart a hug and a kiss!"
Julie whimpered and held her arms out to Celeste. Celeste picked her up and gave her kisses...apricots and all.
"How's it going in the wilderness?"
Celeste shivered. "Worse than you can imagine! El, Bess, Marilyn and I are in the same tent. We just finished building a house. By ourselves."
"Anyone in the stocks yet?"
"Daisy of all people."
"I thought it would have been Wanda Sue as the first victim." Celeste laughed and said, "No, she spends her time chasing her pig and smacking him on the snoot when she catches him. It is so funny to hear her yell, "NO! BAD PIGGY! BAD! BAD!"
Celeste handed Julie back to Rose. She surveyed Rose with a critical eye. "You look a little plumber, dear. How is Bethia?"
"Doing well. Roger is so proud! He has hired a nanny to help Bethia. I swear, that girl just glows! Adam is a lusty lad but Bridget holds her own. She has her daddy wrapped around her finger already! I saw them this morning. Are you stopping over there?"
Celeste shook her head no. "I have to get back before I am missed. I need to access the computer. Some weird things are going on. I need a leg up on it."
Rose nodded to the computer room. "It should be all warmed up. John was in there earlier checking on the stock market."
Celeste went in the computer room and logged into the Story. 'Come on, Coralynn..or Terri. Whichever one of you is writing what is going on...OK, it's Coralynn. Good girl!'

Celeste scanned the story...ok, they are using their coin...laundry...Wanda Sue and Daisy sleeping in the church? Well, they didn't say we couldn't...oh ho! They went to Southold and saw our dear Constable Spencer!...stole a HOUSE? What won't those two think up next! Wait a minute..what's this? Terri? Ebay? Billy Bob is up to ...what? Celeste quickly jotted down a number.
She came out of the room. Rose was wiping down Julie's face. She looked up.
"Find what you are looking for?"
Celeste said, "And how! And here, dear. Look this number up on Ebay. Item number 5834057356. May make interesting reading."
Rose took the paper. "Ebay?"
Celeste smiled grimly. "Just remember to keep your temper and take it with good humour. No one will ever connect the two of you. After all, there are no pictures."
Rose was puzzled. "OK. Oh! And one thing, Celeste...can you use olive oil in place of cooking oil?"
"Sometimes. Sometimes not."
"What about in cake mix?"
"Certainly not!"
Rose nodded. "I guess that explains the look on John's face last night during dessert."
Celeste laughed and kissed Rose and the baby. " 'Ta, love. See you..periodically! But not a soul is to know."
She put her finger to her lips, walked to the gazebo and disappeared in a swirl and a glow.


I FEEL PRETTY, OH SO PRETTY.......by Coralynn

Second Contest: The GARDENS........by Coralynn

Randy and Steve wipe the maple syrup from their mouths and pick up their camera equipment. "Thanks for the grub!" they yell to Doc Diamond as they go outside to see what they can film next.
They see all the people in a group, William holding forth in the middle. "Now, if you'll look in the chapter that begins on pg. 142, you'll see detailed instructions on how to plant a garden. First, of course, the land must be plowed and tilled.
Hotspur sees the illustration at the top of that section and comments, "Not a very modern way of doing it!"
"No, not modern, that's the whole idea," William responds, "but I won't belabor it. Just read the very clear instructions and you should at least be done with the plowing by noon. Let's go!" he snaps shut his manual and walks away, leaving them to their own devices.

Rev. Snopnagle hears horses whinnying as he decides to again check out the bidding on Ebay. Glancing out the window, he sees the 'villagers' attempting to hitch horses to plows, which, in most cases, in not going well. The horses at house #5 are bucking and rearing; one gets loose and runs into the woods.
He concentrates on the computer screen. "Six hundred? Who is driving up the bidding this way? Ahhhhh, seems this person goes by the nickname 'fancyboy'......well, fancy or not, bud, you're not getting the watermelon dress!" he types in seven hundred, then wonders how on earth he'll pay for it if he does have the higest bid. This gig as the Minister in the 1643 House pays, but not that much!

Eleanor and Marilyn have just hitched the two horses up to the plow when they hear yelling in the distance. Looking up from their duties, they see WandaSue screaming and hitting one of her horses. Penny and Sal are trying to tug her away from the horse, while useless Daisy just stands there and chants. "Shut up, you old gas bag!" Penny yells at her, "And WandaSue, you are not part of our house anymore!"
"Am!"
"Am not!"
"Am! That crazy reverend said so!"
WandaSue leaps up on the horse, which hasn't been yet hitched to the plow, and rides off.

Surprisingly, Luke is the one who leads the errant horse from house #5 back out of the woods and then succeeds getting both horses hitched to the plow.
"How'd you do that?!" Slim asks, as Luke makes it look so easy.
"I sing to them. You would be wise to do so as well," Luke says with a smile as he takes off across their share of the field, plowing it up as he and the horses set to work.

The two married couples of house #3 laugh as they try to hitch up their horses.
"Hey, youse guys!" Vinnie is doubled over laughing, "You hitch them up and I'll plant the seeds.....I think. If I can find them!"

Over at house $4, Jerry and Hotspur are doing pretty well with their horses. "Wonder how long it takes for vegetables to grow big enough to eat," Jerry asks no one in particular.
Daniel pretends to be an expert, "Oh it takes about a month.....maybe two......maybe three!"
"In other words, you don't know!" Hotspur kids him, "We sure need some more food.....our supply of fruits and vegetables we were given a few days ago is almost gone!"
"Already?!" Jerry frowns.
William hears this and explains, "Each person was allocated a certain amount of food. Everyone the same. How did you go through it so fast?"
Rafe feels an ominous sense of shame, and thinks, I know I ate more than my share. When the guys weren't looking I helped myself. I knew it was wrong, too, I knew it, but I did it anyway. Am I slipping back into my thieving, highwayman, ways? I had better get counseling for this. We don't have Dr. Phil here, not even a TV to watch him on. All we have is Reverend Snopnagle. I'll have to talk with him about this......."

Reverend Snopnagle is in the parsonage flipping through Ebay selections, to see if he can locate a dress as good as the watermelon one. "They're all so common!" he grouses, "so boring! I must have that watermelon dress! Two and a half more days and it'll be mine, too! But at what astronomical price?


FEEDBACK......by Terri

Rosamond looked over at John. Still sleeping. She crept quietly downstairs and put the teapot on. When she was done brewing it, she took a cup into the computer room and turned it on. Good thing William is out of town. I'd never hear the end of it. Sheesh! Billy Bob on ebay prancing around in Wanda Sue's dress! Who'd a thought?
I hope in my haste to leave that place I didn't leave any of my clothes behind. Wonder where that gold diaphanous dress I wore to the first Daytime Drama awards is?
She bit her lip in thought. Could that one be in the attic, too? Rose logged on to www.ebay.com and typed in the number. There was Billy Bob in all his glory, smirking for the camera in that ridiculous dress! She skimmed down the bids. Holy cow! Twenty bids now? Seems like 'fancyboy' and 'peachfuzz' are neck and neck. The price is now 700.00? And look at all those ebay comments...
She clicked on the comments. They read like an internet guestbook.
...loved the dress, but YOU are the hottie!
...do the cowboy boots come with it? ...I love you! Marry me!
...You wear women's clothes often? Are you a fruit? Rose laughed at that one. Serves you right, BB!
...this is Vic Amodeo, owner of the Snake Pit. Any chance of getting Dirtbag and Hottie in here for some mud wrestling? G-strings mandatory! Rose grimaced. Yeah, right, Vic. In your dreams.
...This is the Today show...
...Good morning America here....
...Larry King wants you to call him.....
Rose groaned inwardly. What if he makes the talk show circuit? My career will be ruined. Again. My children's lives will be kaput. Therapy time for them. John will be furious. Again. Note to myself. Be sure and make John coffee at home, keep him out of Starbucks.
The next one sent chills down Rose's spine.
...hey, dude! Want me to 'off' Dirtbag and Hottie for you?....
Some people are SO sick!
She shivered even though it was May. She looked up at the ceiling and said out loud, "What do I do? Help me, Celeste!"

John stood in the doorway in his sweats. "Rose? What are you doing up so early?"
Rose whirled around, reached behind her and quickly clicked Ebay off. "N-nothing, darling. Just checking weather.com to see what it is going to be today."
John shook his head. "Open the window and stick your head out. That, my dear, is weather!"
Rose bit her lip. "I wonder how Celeste and William are doing?" She wiped a little tear from her eye. "I miss them. Oh, how I miss them!" John rubbed her shoulders and said, "I know. You are homesick for them. And they are the ones who left!"
Rose looked deeply into John's eyes. "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"
John hugged her. "Yes, I do. We're having another baby! If that ain't love, I don't know what is!"
Rose said, "I'll get you breakfast, honey."
"OK--but NO BACON! Don't need to smoke the house up!"
Rose stuck her tongue out at him.

After she went into the kitchen, John pressed the 'back' arrow on the computer.
"OK, sweetie pie! Let us see what you were looking at that had you so engrossed! If it's that new dress you were raving about, I just may go ahead and get it for you..."
Ebay popped onto the screen. John looked casually.
"That is one ugly dress..."
He looke closer. He couldn't believe his eyes. Is that....Billy Bob Montgomery? Wearing a.....DRESS???? He started to laugh until he read the description. He took William's glass paperweight and threw it through the monitor.
Rose rushed in. "What on earth was that noise? John...JOHN! What on earth happened to the computer monitor?"
John shrugged. "Guess the wind picked up the paperweight and blew it into the monitor."
Rose looked dubiously. "Uh huh. Right."
John got up and sighed. "I think I'd better go to CompUSA after breakfast. Damn wind!"


THE BIG DAY ARRIVES.......by Coralynn

Rev. Charles Snopnagle looks at his watch and thinks, "I have till 10am to get in the winnning bid on that dress. If I wait till 9;55, I can bid and 'fancyboy' won't have time to top me. I hope.
The morning is clear and sunny after a night of showers. He looks out the window to see the 'villagers' checking on their newly planted gardens. He sees Daisy Moonbeam Freedom lying on her stomach on the ground by the garden house#2 planted, talking to it. What a nutcase, he thinks, as he turns on his computer.
"Rats, 'fancyboy' has the bid up to over nine hundred dollars!" he complains.

WandaSue, who has been living in the battered tent beside the triangular house, wrings out her bedding. "This is stupid!" she says to the morning, "I have to sleep in this beatup tent, even when it rains, while those others sleep inside the house. Does that Snopnagle poor-excuse-for-a-minister care? Has he even tried to get them to do the right thing? Noooo. Does William care? I mean, he's the Governor of the colony for Pete's sake, and he has ignored my begging for justice. Well, just you wait, I'll fix those others but good. How can we win the million dollars, though? If I mess things up for them, I mess it up for me, too. This is a catch-22!"

Eleanor, Celeste, Marilyn and Bess are carrying water from the well back to their house. A washtub of sorts has been set up and the order of the day is to get the dirt out of the clothing they've been wearing.
"What's Daisy doing lying on her stomach by the garden?" Bess asks the others.
"She told me she 'talks' to the plants," Celeste explains, "she says she has powers to make them grow faster. Somehow I doubt that, but then, that's Daisy for you."
"Our garden is the best," Marilyn says cheerily, "so we'll probably win the trophy for the garden and another merit point, ya think so?"
The others agree. The water is heated over a campfire and in due time dumped into the washboard.
"Is there a trophy for the cleanest clothes?" Bess laughs.

Penelope and Sally Jennings unplug the coffee maker and take their colonial clothes out of the drier. "Time to get back, Sal!" Penny says as she stuffs the clothes into a Stop&Shop plastic bag.


CONGRATULATIONS......by Terri

Reverend Snopnagle sat there watching the clock. It is now 9:45. Fifteen minutes to go. He logged on to Ebay and typed in the number. Glad I have it memorized, he thought. What the hell...heck...whatever! 'Fancyboy' put another bid in at 9:43?
Damn! He's online, just lurking! Well, I'll show him! The Rev. typed in 1100.00 and smiled in satisfaction. There! He can keep increasing his bid but he can't touch this one!
The Reverend looked at the clock, confident that 'Fancyboy' wouldn't dare outbid him. I'd better check just to make sure...
Snopnagle couldn't believe his eyes. A new contender? 'Lady Divine'? Who the heck is Lady Divine? And..and...and...she's increased the bid to 1200.00? Is she nuts?
Reverend Snopnagle looked in the mirror and said, "Don't fret, Charlene, I'll get you that dress. It was made in heaven for you!"
He looked at the clock. 9:47. Snopnagle gulped and entered 1500.00 with his eyes shut.
'You are the high bidder' flashed on the screen. Snopnagle dabbed at the sweat on his forehead. Only 13 more minutes. He sat on his hands. He bit his nails. He looked at the clock. 9:50. He quickly logged onto the site. He couldn't believe his eyes!
The bid was sitting at 2000.00. For a cotton costume dress? Are they out of their minds? And 'Fancyboy' was in the lead?
OK, sucker! Take this! He entered 2500.00. 9:53. He looked. The figures swirled before his eyes. No more of this pennyante bidding! Let Fancyboy and Lady Divine think they are winning. Then at the last minute...
9:55--looks like a free-for-all between Divine and Fancyboy. That's right, guys--or girls--or whatever you are----you just keep thinking I am down and out. Fancyboy's bid was 2550.00. Lady Divine was curiously silent.
HA! Guess Divine is down and out! OK, Fancyboy! The gloves are off! 9:57----Snopnagle typed in 2600.00. There! Let's see----180 seconds left...
9:58--Snopnagle saw his bid staying at 2600.00 as the top bidder. HA!
Charlene the Watermelon Queen! Catchy title! Maybe I will use it in my act!
9:59--What the hell...? Fancyboy entered 2900.00! Is he out of his mind?
Gotta have it..gotta have it....gotta have it....became a mantra for Snopnagle. He licked his dry lips. He wiped the sweat off his brow.
He took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. He typed in 3000.00. He held that deep breath. Thirty seconds left....twenty....ten....AUCTION ENDED.
He quickly typed in the ebay item number. Held his breath again.. And the words he longed to see appeared on the screen. CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE WON THE ITEM!

A grin broke out over his face. Mine! All mine! Charlene will be so pleased! Then a dark thought floated by the blue sky of his mind. Just how the hell am I going to pay for it?
Why...PayPal, of course! And worry about the credit card later!


SHOCK JOCK AIRWAVES......by Terri

Bobby Joe and Billy Bob looked at the clock. Bobby Joe said, "It's 9:57. Only three more minutes. Wonder who the winner will be?"
Billy Bob said, "Last I looked, it was between three people. Someone named 'Peachfuzz' was really desperate to get it. Bid was over 1500.00 when I went to bed last night."
Bobby Joe said, "It was a stroke of brilliance to unload this while Wanda Sue was out playing 'Daniel Boone'. Let's check Ebay and see who the winner is."
They logged on quickly and typed in the number. Billy Bob said, "..and the winner of the beautiful watermelon dress is....'PEACHFUZZ'! Way to go, girl! I knew you could do it!"
Bobby Joe looked at the bids. "Holy smoke! Three thousand dollars. THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS, BB!"
"You sure?"
"Sure as I'm standing here! Wow! Wonder what other clothes you have in the attic!"
Billy Bob said, "Saw some gold thing that probably belonged to Rosamond. Why don't you call your sister and see what we do next. How we get the dress to Peachfuzz."

Rosamond looked at the clock. Wasn't this the day that Billy Bob's asinine auction was supposed to be over? She logged on and got the site. Typing in the number, she looked. Wanda Sue's dopey dress went for 3000.00?? Has the whole world gone NUTS? She shook her head. Thank goodness it is over. I wonder what John was so upset about on the computer. Must be the stock market wasn't doing as well as expected. Good thing he got this new monitor. A lot clearer. Must be more...what do they call them? Pixies? She logged off. No one need never know that I was 'Hottie'. They'd never connect that to me..would they? No...a lot of people look like BB. And who would ever think he was someone named 'Texas Tootsie'. Must be a friend's ebay account.

"Hey, Jennilu, it's me. What do you think?"
"Think? I've never had so many hits on an auction! Wonderful! This should raise my standing in the ebay community! And everyone got a good laugh out of it!"
Bobby Joe asked, "OK, so now what do we do? The auction is over. We need to get some money from this 'Peachfuzz' chick and then mail it to her. How do we do this?"
Jennilu held the phone to her shoulder and looked at her computer screen. "OK--this is simple. This 'Peachfuzz' has paid already. She used Paypal which goes directly to my account. I will send you a check for it. Now let me see where to ship it..hmmm. That's odd. It goes to a man. Maybe he is buying it for his wife. The 'ship to' address is to a Charles Snopnagle, General Postmaster, Blue LIck NH 03103."
Bobby Joe was scribbling the information down.
"OK. Billy Bob and I will send it priority mail. Should he sign for it?"
Jennilu said, "I would do that. And insure it. For 3000.00 it should be insured. Think you got all you need?"
"Think so."
"One thing--make sure your box is sturdy."
CLICK!

Billy Bob and Bobby Joe finished wrapping a box and addressed it. Bobby Joe said,"I'll go to the post office on my way into town for feed. You need anything?"
"No,. just the satisfaction of Wanda Sue having made me 3000.00 richer!"
They laughed and high-fived each other as Bobby Joe went out the door.

"Hey, Montgomery here."
"Montgomery? Is this..Billy Bob Montgomery? Also known as Texas Tootsie?"
"Uh..who is this?"
"Howard Stern. And you are on the air, pal!"

"Howard Stern?"
"Yep!"
"Howard Stern of radio?"
"Yep!"
"Howard Stern the Shock Jock?"
"That's me!"
"Whoa! This is heavy!"
Stern laughed. "Hey, I gotta ask you, man! How did you ever end up with a Watermelon Queen? Sounds kind of perverted to me!"
Billy Bob said, "I'm on the air? For sure?"
"Sure you are! So come on and spill your guts!"
Billy Bob said, "How did you know it was me?"
Stern said, "Friend recognized you, some devoted listener."
Billy Bob groaned inwardly. Jake, Verla's husband!
Billy Bob related the entire incident with Wanda Sue and Amanda Jane Watkins.
Howard roared with laughter. "Yeah, nothing like two chicks going at a cat fight! But I gotta ask you. What do you plan to do with that money? Give it to Dirtbag? After all, they were her duds!"
Billy Bob said, "No. She owed me bigtime for all the grief she put me through. She tried to destroy my marriage to my second wife." "Hottie?"
"Yes."
"OK, Montgomery. Moment of truth. Reveal to us who 'Hottie' is for those of us who don't know out in the radio waves."
Billy Bob said confidently, "Oh, that would be Rosamond de Clifford."
"The actress?"
"The very one."

At that very moment, a black Corvette driving down Highway141 swerved off the road. The driver narrowly missed a mailbox, a birdhouse, three garbage cans and five utility poles. The Corvette swung back on the road and the driver pressed the pedal to the metal.

Howard Stern said, "Wow, I am impressed! Guy from Texas makes good! But you know, I gotta ask and I am sure our millions of listeners would like to know. Rosamond de Clifford. That is one fine looking fox. Now tell us the truth, Montgomery. Is she playing with confederate money?"
"Excuse me?"
"Her hooters, man. Is it..like...Silicon Valley?"
"You--you are asking me..?" "Hey, man! All the male listeners want to know out there on account of you've been up close and personal with the lady. Is her rack for real?"
"Well,.....sure! Yeah, they're real!"
"I guess because you've touched them, huh? No saline baggies for that little lady, right? Well, there ya have it, folks! THEY ARE REAL!"
Howard Stern continued, "Like they said on that Seinfeld episode..'They're real...and they are SPECTACULAR!'"
Howard continued. "So what do you intend to do with the money, Montgomery?"
"Well, I'm going to.."
"HEY! Listeners! New contest! Tell Montgomery here what he should do with the money! Now me, I'd like to see him pay for even bigger ones for Hottie! Wouldn't you? Phone lines are now open and I will take caller #6. And remember, I'm the Shock Jock so let's get down and personal! No holds barred and describe to me...in detail, heh, heh, heh!---what Montgomery should spend his money on! Winner will get dinner for two at the Four Seasons Restaurant!"
Billy Bob wiped the sweat off his brow. She never listened to Howard Stern when we were married..why should she start now?

John pulled off to the side of the road, trying to get his temper under control. Talking about my wife's...her body...like she was some piece of meat in a butcher shop!
He tried to calm down. Howard Stern, after a commercial for..protection, that figures!...said, "OK, listeners! Phone lines are open..and LOOK at them light up! Wow! Montgomery, everyone seems to want to ask you questions!"
Billy Bob said, "But..but..it was just a dress..."
"A dress with a story, man! You spilled your guts on the internet! People can dig it! The heartbreak, man! The angst! The screwing-over! Yeah! You're a sensitive guy!"
Billy Bob was getting caught up in it and began to answer questions. Questions no other radio station would let get past the censors. But hey! This was Howard Stern! The more John sat there and listened to it, the madder he got.

After 45 minutes of Montgomery fielding questions, Howard Stern said, "I guess that wraps it up! Ya know, Rosamond de Clifford was always a favorite pin-up of mine! Now you've gone and revealed stuff about her...she's #1 in my book now! Wonder if Playboy would be interested in her! HA-HA! We've been interviewing Billy Bob Montgomery, the guy with a dress and a story to tell! My only regret is that there is no video to go with it!.....or is there?" Howard gave a wicked laugh.
The show wrapped up and when the phone was hung up, Montgomery smiled. Then he laughed. Then he laughed until he cried. Finally there was just the crying. He began to preface every thought with...'maybe I shouldn't have said that?' Aw, what the hell! The Gwinnetts would never listen to Howard Stern....would they?

John roared into the driveway and shut the car off with a vengeance. He stomped up the stairs and came in through the kitchen. Rosamond was at the stove, her hair coming down in tendrils from her ponytail. She frowned in concentration.
John said, "Where are the kids?"
"Will is in his room doing his homework and Julie is in her playpen. Why?"
John walked over to the fridge, got a beer out and opened it. He took a long drink and looked steadily at Rosamond.
"What? What? Do I have some flour on my face?" She wiped at her face. John tipped his chair back. "You ever hear of Howard Stern?"
"Stern? No, not really."
John said, "He's known as the 'Shock Jock' of New York. Of the country. Number one. Once in a while I listen to him...."
Rose raised her eyebrow. John said, "OK, OK--so I listen to him on the way home from work, OK? No big deal."
John peeled the label absentmindedly. "Anyway, I was listening to him on the way home and it was very interesting."
Rose said, "Oh, what? Did he have some busty bimbo disrobe and describe every step of the way what she was taking off?"
"Not exactly."
Rose pushed her hair back. "If that is all, then let me get back to dinner."
She walked towards the stove. John said, "Billy Bob Montgomery was interviewed on the air."
Rose froze halfway between the stove and John. She whirled around. "He's not running for office and was interviewed for that, was he?"
John shook his head and said, "Nope!" He concentrated on his bottle label like the answer to the world problems were there.
Rose came back and sat down at the table. She said fearfully, "So what was it all about?"
John took another swig. "Well, something very interesting. It concerns a dress..a watermelon dress, if you can believe it!"
Rose put her head down on her crossed arms on the table and moaned. She banged her head a couple times."
John raised his eyebrows and said sardonically, "OH! So you know the dress?"
Rose's head was still down. She nodded. A muffled reply. "Yes. I know the dress."
Her head came up. "It was Wanda Sue's dress. It had nothing--NOTHING!--to do with me!"
John continued to peel the label. "Oh, really?"
Rose stood up and walked back to the stove. "Really!"
She took the spoon and stirred whatever she was cooking in the pot.
John said, "That's a good thing to know--LITTLE HOTTIE!"

"It's not my fault he mentioned me! I swear, some mistakes you never stop paying for!" Rose exploded.
John nodded. "This is one that is compounding interest daily."
Rose came over and sat down. "So...I just suppose he reiterated what was on the ebay listing, huh?"
"Well,...not exactly."
"What do you mean, 'not exactly'."
"Honey, why do you think he is called the 'Shock Jock' anyways?"
"Well...thought it might have to do with the electricity it takes to run his show...you know, lots of wattage..enough to shock you with the jolts of electricity."
"Want to give it another shot, Rose?"
Rose frowned in concentration. "Unless it is to 'shock' his listeners....NO! NO! Don't tell me that dress was the subject of his show!"
"Kind of."
"What do you mean, 'kind of'?"
"He, uh, kind of got 'up close and personal' with Montgomery and Montgomery seemed to be very forthcoming on details. Not so much Wanda Sue because her only claim to fame seems to be her watermelon days." "I don't get it..I had nothing to do with that watermelon dress so why would I even be mentioned?"
"Maybe because you are a well-known actress in a daytime drama and were married to him? And I must say, you are one hot-lookin' mama so Stern naturally would want to know about you and Montgomery..."
"You don't mean...personal stuff?"
John pointed at Rose and said, "BINGO! The little lady wins a vacuum and a washing machine behind door number one..."
"JOHN! This is not funny! What...what was said?"
"What do you THINK a shock jock would want to know? I mean, a disc jockey that had a woman...well, never mind! That was before we even entered this time frame!"
"You mean Montgomery spilled the beans on personal stuff on him and me?"
"Right you are! Stern started out by asking about your...chest. Whether you 'corked the bat' as it were."
"Corked the bat?"
"Implants, honey. A boob job."
"What???"
"It disintegrated from there. Montgomery was asked questions and he answered them. He seemed kind of reluctant to answer them to begin with but his lips got looser as the show progressed. He even talked about the time you and he..."
"NO! Not that!"
"Yep! Sure did! And then the time..."
"NO! How...how could he....?"
"Well, it seems he could. And he...did."
Rose groaned. "How can I ever show my face at the PTA meetings again?"
RING!!
John answered the phone. "Hello?..yeah, this is her residence...no, I'm her husband...not that one! They're divorced, can't you hear?..yeah, I heard the broadcast..no, I don't have any comment...no, she has no comment either...hey, buddy, why don't you get a life? Go peep in some windows...what? Yeah, same to you!"
CLICK!
The phone rang again.
"Hello?....No, she will NOT pose for your magazine...no, I am not her agent, I am her HUSBAND!...yes, she has a mind of her own...well, would you want YOUR wife to....I don't care HOW much...HOW much did you say? Hmm...NO! No, I don't think so...yes, I know that is quite a good chunk of change...yeah, we could send our kids to college on it...the answer is NO!...NO, she won't return your calls...and she certainly will NOT be meeting you for drinks!....Get lost!"
CLICK!
"Who was that, John? Playboy?"
"Not hardly! Playboy I could maybe understand."
"Worse?"
"Does the name 'Larry Flynt' mean anything to you?"
Rose shook her head no.
"Then never mind."
John walked over to the stove and looked in the pot. "What was dinner supposed to be?"
"Does it matter? I'll never eat again!"
John replaced the lid. "Come on, let''s go out to eat then."
"Only if I can wear two bags on my head."
"Two bags?"
"Yeah..in case one of them falls off!"

John took Rose and the children out to a local steakhouse. Rose said, "I feel like everyone is staring at me, John!"
He looked at her. She deliberately wore a baggy sweatshirt to hide her..chest.
John said, "Rose, no one off the street is going to recognize.."
"DAISY! Oh! And Brad!" At this John grimaced.
A woman of considerable bulk stopped by their table. "I watch the two of you every day---EVERY DAY---on As the Planet Turns!" To John she chided, "How can you dump Daisy? You know she was having a hard time coping with the news that she had half sister on her mother's side!" John opened his mouth to speak but Ms. Bulk steamrollered over him. She patted Rose's hand and said, "Don't fret, dear! The fact that Brad has taken you out to dinner is a good sign! But don't tell me! These are your children from that guy Dudley. Oh my! May I have your autograph, Daisy? You too, Brad!"
Rose sighed and said, "Brad? You want to sign first?"
John rolled his eyes and said, "Why not? What is your name, sweetheart?"
"Elmira! Elmira Culpepper from Coyote Breath, North Dakota!"
John signed, "To a lovely lady--my best, Brad Bradshaw." He handed the menu to Rose and said, "Here, 'Daisy'."
Rose signed her name 'Daisy Capshaw' under John's.
The woman clucked, "Personally, I think you are better off with Brad,.dear. He's quite handsome, you know! Brad, are you planning to adopt the little ones?" Before John could get a word in edgewise, Elmira of the Far North looked shocked. "My goodness, 'Daisy'! You--you look like you are expecting! Don't deny it, my dear! I have had five babies myself. You have that little tiny pooch of a stomach!" She whirled on John. "How dare you..HOW DARE YOU, Brad! Walk out on Daisy when you have gotten her with child! You--you are a cad!" She almost whacked John in the head with her purse. John caught her in mid-swing. "Hey! Hey! If will make you feel any better, I am taking Daisy out to dinner tonight to ask her if she will take me back so we can live happily ever after! OK? OK?"
Elmira said dubiously, "Really?"
Rose nodded. "Yes. Really. So everything is allright."
Elmira looked from Rose to John. She broke out in a smile and said, "Oh, I am so glad!"
After she left, Rose said, "What she needs is a dose of reality!"
John said, "At least she didn't listen to Howard Stern. See, Rose? I think you were worried for nothing!"

Rose picked up Julie and said, "I'd better change her." She grabbed the baby and the diaper bag and said, "Hard to think I may have to change two babies by this time next year." She disappeared toward the ladies' room.
A big burly guy stopped by the table when Rose was gone.
"Hey, I recognize that woman! Isn't that Rosamond...what's her last name? Montgomery! Yeah, that's it! Heard all about her on the Howard Stern show...yeah!" He looked longingly at Rose's retreating figure. "Yeah, some guys have all the luck..."
He went back to his own table. A few minutes later two other guys came up to John.
"Hey! Duuude! You must be the Montgomery guy, huh?" They gave him the thumbs up. "Waaaay to go, duuuuuude!"
Not more than thirty seconds passed when a couple of young women came up and said to John, "Is that....you know....the woman we heard about on Howard Stern? We...like..ya know...we can tell they are real. On account of they don't look like hard rocks. More like...mounds of vanilla ice cream in a cone..ya know..like? So...like...are we right or not?"
John said tightly, "I think...like...it's none of your business....ya know?"
They looked at each other and said, "Ya know...like....they COULD be fake...ya know? Yeah. Later!"

Rose came back to the table. John was getting the check. "John? You don't want dessert or coffee?"
John put his credit card down and shook his head. "I just want to get out of here and go home. Got a headache. Will? You ready? I think there's some cherry cheesecake at home you can eat."
Rose shrugged and gathered her baby things. She whispered to Will, "Daddy OK?"
Will said, "Yeah. He's just tired of talking to people."
John took Julie out of Rose's arms and headed to the door. Rose took Will's hand and they got in the car and went home.
John was unusually quiet all the way home.
When they got in, the answering machine was blinking.
John said, "I'll bet Benny has the estimate with the sauna repair. He said he would call tonight."
Rose took the baby and said to Will, "I'm taking Julie up to bed. Help yourself to some cheesecake, Will. John? Will you cut it for him? Then it is bedtime, luv."
Will gave her a mock salute as she headed upstairs.
After settling Will down with his cheesecake and glass of milk--white this time, not chocolate!--John went into the computer room and pressed 'play' on the answering machine.
The answering machine answered back. "You have 43 messages..."
John looked at it incredulously. "Forty-three messages?"
Like the machine was going to say, "What, are you deaf? Yeah! Forty-three messages!"
The first one was from Benny. "Hey, buddy! Found the part for the sauna and it ain't cheap! Around 200.00. I can have it there in a couple days. Talk to you in the morning."
BEEP!
"Hey, John! Roger here. Got the new set of clubs and I am READY! Saturday still OK for you? Since we don't have Jerry, I got Stan and Hank to play a foursome with us. Plan on submarining them, OK? Think you need to get away and clear your head. Uh....I listened to the radio on the way home...if you want to talk, just give me a call. Talk to you tomorrow!"
BEEP!
"Hi, this is WNYC Radio. We wondered if Mrs. Montgomery would consent to an interview with us.."
ERASE.
BEEP!
"Hey, this is some of the guys down at the Dew Drop Inn...We was just wondering if Tequila Sunrise is gonna be in any time soon. Some of us guys wanna buy her a drink...."
ERASE.
BEEP!
Erase and beep forty-three times.

The messages went on and on in that vein. Except for one that reminded Rose and John of the PTA picnic. Voice sounded a bit frosty. May just be my imagination, John thought. Rose came downstairs and brewed herself a cup of tea. She had changed into her robe. She looks so young, John thought. Why does crap always happen to her? Damn Montgomery anyhow.

She sat down at the table. "Tea, John?"
He shook his head no and said, "Let's just relax in the living room. I'll start a fire."
"But, John! It's May!"
"Still a bit of a spring chill in the air. I just want to sit by the fire and hold you. Never let you go."

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