WE ARE 'WOMAN'....

HEAR US ROAR!

BESS, 'MODERN' WOMAN.....by Coralynn




Celeste is filling her cup with coffee, looking forward to the incredible flavor that accompanies the first few swallows, when she hears tapping coming from her computer room.
Carrying the cup with her, she sees Bess sitting at her computer, who looks up and asks, "How do you get this thing to work, Celeste?"
"You should be getting dressed, isn't this the morning you start your new job at Roger's medical office?"
"Yeah." Bess continues to fixate on the computer. "How am I getting there?"
"You don't have a car, so it looks like I'll be driving you over...."
"I'd better buy a car now that I'm a working woman, huh?"
"First you have to learn how to drive, get a license, save up money..."
"OK. I'll do that tomorrow. Hey, Celeste, I need to get on a website, how do I do that?"
"You have no computer skills?"
"Well, no!"
"How are you going to work at a job without computer skills?"
"Easy. Roger wants me as a 'receptionest'....whatever that is. Doesn't sound like a computer job!"
"Every job is a 'computer' job these days, Bess," Celeste explains, "And, if you don't get a move on, you won't have a job very long."
"I've gotta get on that match.com site and I've gotta do it this morning!" Bess taps at any key within reach, hoping the magic website will appear.
"I'll help you, but later, after you get home from work."
"Ohh, ok, but you sure know how to take the fun out of things...." Bess gets up from the chair and makes her way to her bedroom to dress for her first day of work.


CHILLY MORNING......by Terri

Rose sat at the table, drinking her coffee. John came into the kitchen, showered and ready for work.
"Coffee ready?"
Rose didn't say a word but pointed to the coffeemaker. She continued to eat her cereal.
"Kids are OK?"
She concentrated on her cereal like the Alpha-bits spelled out the answer to the world's problems.
"Yes," she said.
John exploded. "OK--so I forgot Valentine's Day! How long are you going to punish me for it?"
Rose rested her chin in her hand, looked at him thoughtfully, and said, "I haven't really decided." She poured cream in her coffee and stirred it carefully.
This was a side of Rose that John had never seen. The deadly calm. No screaming. No yelling. He was quite at a loss as to what to do. He poured his coffee in a thermos and put the lid on.
Rose said quietly, "So where were you that it took you two and a half hours to find your way home?"
"I closed that deal for the new equipment."
"And you decided to celebrate?"
"It wasn't like that. I just stopped off to relax for a minute. I ran into some people I knew. Time just slipped away from me."
Rose took a sip of her coffee and said, "Valentine's Day. The day where you show someone how much you love them. Did I get flowers? No. Did I get candy? No. Did I get jewelry? No. I didn't even get a Valentine's Day card."
"I TOLD you. I forgot."
"Did you write any checks that day?"
"Well, yes..."
"And did you write the date on the checks?"
"You know I have to..."
"And what date did you put in there? March 26th? January 16th? Let's see..no, I bet it was February 14th."
"Rose, give me a break!"
She got up and rinsed her cup out. She carefully dried it and put it in the cupboard. John came over to her and said, "Look---here's one hundred dollars, sweetheart. Go out and buy whatever you want."
She put her coat on and picked up her keys. She stuck the money in the waistband of his pants and said, "You just don't get it, do you?"
"Are you going over to pick up the kids now?"
"I have an appointment in the City. I'll pick them up afterwards."
"An appointment? With who?"
"With who? Or is it whom? I can't remember either, John."
And with that, she walked out the door.

Rosamond entered the Russian Tea Room. The maitre d' hurried over. "Good morning, Miss de Clifford. Right this way! Mr. Henshaw is waiting for you."
They walked over to where Marty was sitting. He jumped up, grabbed both her hands and kissed her on the cheek.
"Rose, so glad you could make it! How are John and the children?"
"The kids are doing fine. Growing so fast."
Marty raised his eyebrows at the omission of John but didn't say anything.
Their drinks arrived and Marty said, "I have a good storyline for Daisy. There was an old movie called 'My Blood Runs Cold.' Have you ever heard of it?"
Rose shook her head. Marty continued, "Of course not. It came out in 1965, before you were born. It is the story of a stranger who drifts into town and tries to convince a beautiful young woman that they were reincarnations of their ancestors who were lovers."
She took a sip of her drink and said, "It sounds intriguing."
Marty grinned. "It sure is. It can be kind of a gothic storyline. You weren't even born when Dark Shadows came out. But it was big! HUGE!"
"So how is this going to play out?"
Marty said, "I am going to put out a casting call for a newcomer. Planet can use a talent transfusion. This story is going to be bigger than Luke and Laura! This newcomer will breeze into town. He sees Daisy and becomes obsessed with her. He shows her a locket with a portrait in it. It looks exactly like Daisy. He starts to work on her and shows her letters from the past. Written to her lover. Who just happens to have the same name as the stranger. Daisy's rich father--who paid off people to keep the town from finding out that Daisy was really a prostitute when she was in Boston--is appalled but Daisy starts to get woven into the web. The stranger is very convincing and he mesmerizes her. She begins to believe that she is a reincarnated lover of this man. Another life. But I have to ask you something."
"What, Marty?"
"I'm going to cast a newcomer. But he has to have a certain style. Raw sexual appeal. He has to have a certain something. Magnetism. Will John have any objection to you playing opposite someone like this?"
Rose took another sip of her drink. "John knows the business. He knows I am a professional. I can leave my acting at the door."
"Will John be upset that he isn't being asked back to Planet just yet?"
Rose said, "I doubt it. He's so wrapped up in the fitness center, he barely knows I am there."
Marty didn't know what to say. They were both his friends and he was with them every step of the way, from the first day that John did his screen test and joined Planet all through Billy Bob and the blackmail, through the birth of their children.
"Rose?"
"Hmmm?"
"Things allright with you and John?"
She looked at the menu and said, "I think the Chilean sea bass looks good.."


DOUBLE STANDARDS, etc..........by Coralynn

The phone rings at the big house. William picks up and we hear, "John! How can I help you?............Eleanor?............why do you want to speak to her?..............oh yes, Rose does confide almost everything to Eleanor............just a minute.....(he covers the receiver with his hand)...........ELEANOR!"
Celeste hears this and goes into the living room, "Why are you shouting? Eleanor isn't here right now....."
"She's not here right now, John............OK, I'll have her give you a call when I see her.............both places...........right. See ya later."
He looks at Celeste suspiciously, "So just where is the fair Eleanor this morning?"
"She spent the night at Jerry's."
"She spent the night! Good merciful heavens, she has the morals of an ally cat!"
Celeste gives him a dirty look.
"Why do you look at me like that? Eleanor should be setting an example for the younger women, so what does she do? She sleeps with her boyfriend.......not her husband, mind you, but her boyfriend! I try to set a high moral standard for the people in our household, but does it do any good?"
"When you were King of England did you have mistresses, oh high and mighty William?"
"All the kings had mistresses...."
"It's OK for you, but not acceptable for anyone else, is that what you're saying?"
He flushes and blusters, "Well, umm.....I've been a pargon of virtue since I've been in the 21st century...."
"Of course you have, no woman wants to get amorous with someone so.........so corpulent!"
Shock is the best way to describe the look that comes over his face, "Celeste! What a mean thing to say!"
"Oh, I'm not saying you weren't a studmuffin when you were quite young.....I've seen the pictures.......but right now you aren't exactly in competition for Mr. Universe!"
"You're saying I've been virtuous for lack of opportunity?!"
"Pretty much. But my main point is: stop trying to control the behavior of others. First off, it's hypocritical, and second, it's futile."
"Obiously it's futile......I can see that," he says as he flips on the television to Good Morning America.

Diane Sawyer's voice sounds excited, "Would you look at that, Charlie?"
Charles Gibson replies, "I've never seen anyone swim that fast."
The man in the overhead helicopter breaks in, "As you can see, Eleanor Aquitaine, Hillary Clinton and Queen Latifah are now swimming off the northeastern portion of Long Island. They don't seen to be swimming toward land, could they be heading out into the open Atlantic?"
"Are they trying to set a record for the Guiness Book?" Diane Sawyer conjectures.
A stage hand brings Charlie the phone, which conversation is also broadcast, "Yes, Senator Clinton. Oh, you're not? Where are you?..........["Washington, D.C.! Who is that swimming Long Island Sound? It's not me!"]........."It looks just like you.." [I repeat, it's not me, Charley. Try to find out what's going on, would you?"]............."I will as soon as I get more information. Bye."
"Mrs. Clinton says the swimmer is not her," he tells Diane, but before she gets a chance to reply, someone bursts onto the set.
Queen Latifah stands, hands on hips, "Who is impersonating me?"
"We don't know...." Diane Sawyer looks distressed.
Queen L. then laughs, "She's one hell of a strong swimmer, I'll give her that!"
Charley adds, "We're trying to find out....."

William forgets that Eleanor is not home and yells out, "ELEANOR!" once more.
Bess rushes into the living room, "She's not here, William. She spent the night at Jerry's house."
"And I suppose you approve young lady?"
"She didn't ask for my approval, William, OR yours." Bess goes into the kitchen, leaving William to sit in his chair with the lever on the side, fuming.


FIRST DAY........by Coralynn

Bess enters Roger's OB/GYN office and tosses her coat on a chair.
Nurse Barbara frowns and comments, "There's a closet back here for your coat..........you're Bess Crane, right?"
"Right!" Bess answers as she retrieves her coat and carries it back behind the counter to the closet. She opens what she thinks is the coat closet and sees bottles of medicine. "No coats in this one!" she says cheerfully, then opens another, to find miscellanous equipment, "No coats in this one!" and as she is about to open another, Nurse Barbara opens the correct closet, grabs Bess' coat out of her hands, and hangs it up.
"OK, now, what do I do?"
"Dr. Bidwell didn't give you a job description?" Nurse B. asks.
"He said I was the receptionist. What's that?"
"You answer phones, make appointments, check in the patients, get their records from this file....and do whatever else the Doctor needs you to do."
"That should be easy!" Bess stands behind the counter with an eager expression.
The phone rings.
"That's on Line One," N. Barb explains, "Push this button that has a 'one' on it."
Bess pushes the 'one' button and says, "This is Bess Crane."
Nurse Barbara groans.
"OK, then, I guess you have the wrong number, lady!" Bess hangs up, then turns to N. B. and tells her, "She didn't want to speak to Bess Crane, she said."
"Of course not! She dialed the Doctor's office! How could she know she had the right number when you made it sound like it was your number at home? Just answer, 'Doctor's office!'"
"That's no help, how will they know they have the right doctor?"
"Ohh, I think they'll figure it out, considering they're making a call to the 'Doctor's office.'"
The phone rings again.
"Doctor's office," Bess answers, smiling, feeling very professional, "......water? Your water pipes broke?.........well, lady, call a plumber, not the doctor!" and hangs up.
Nurse Barbara is appalled, "Did that woman say her water broke?"
"Yeah! She's not very bright! She should have called a plumber!"
"She meant her own water..."
"She should wear Depends if she pees her pants!" Bess scoffs.
"No, no, her water, the water surrounding the baby, which means she is either in labor or about to be."
"Why didn't she just say that then?"
"You're supposed to know what that means, Bess. Now we have to hope she calls back, as Dr. Bidwell should be meeting her at the hospital if she's in labor."
"Where is he, anyway?"
"He's with a patient! Now....Bess...." N. B. tries to be patient, "Do not cut people off when they phone here."
Bess sighs and says, "If you say so!" and stares at the phone console, waiting for the next call, hoping it's someone who has a better idea of why the heck she's calling!


ELEANOR'S DECISION......by Coralynn

Eleanor enters the house and is about to start upstairs when William calls out, "Eleanor! About time you got home! I don't suppose you and Jerry turned on the TV this morning, did you?"
"That's an odd question, William, why do you ask?"
"Come here. Sit. Good Morning America is almost over, but maybe they'll......yes......there it is......listen!"
The screen shows the three robots swimming briskly out into the Atlantic ocean.
"Charlie, no one has yet been able to tell us what this is all about," Diane Sawyer still sounds concerned and confused, "Queen Latifah and Hillary Clinton have told us that it's not them out there, so....who could it be?"
"No word yet from Eleanor Aquitaine, right?" Charlie asks.
"Not a word."
William puts on the mute button and looks sterly at Eleanor, "Well? What are you going to do about this?"
"Think I should call in?"
"At least. Are you going to tell them those are robots swimming the ocean?"
"Hell no!" Eleanor dials the phone and gets the GMA producer, who patches her through to Diane Sawyer, "This is Eleanor. I am most definitely not swimming the Atlantic. Diane."
"That's what Queen and Hillary told us, too. What could be going on that there are dead-ringers for all three of you swimming like Olympic champions?"
Eleanor plays dumb, "How long have they been swimming?"
"Since yesterday! At least that's what our affiliate in Westchester county told us..."
"They've made good time!"
"They don't stop to rest, to eat, to sleep or take rest room breaks....nothing..."
"Let me know what you find out, Diane. I'm curious as well."
"We'll break into the programming if we get a break-through."
"Thanks."
Eleanor hangs up and again starts for the stairs as William grumbles, "Coward!"
"Well, look on the bright side, William. At least now they know I'm not dead!" she says flippantly and hurries upstairs before he can engage her in more futile conversation.


THE DESIGNATED DRINKER.......by Terri

Rosamond was driving back from her lunch with Marty, thinking of the part and how she was going to approach John about it. He'd better not try to stop me! Marty was even considering making it into a movie instead of putting it on Planet. The storyline is just too intriguing to let pass by. He'll just have to deal with it. As far as Cecily, well, she's grown and doesn't need a guardian.
She drove down Highway 141 and saw Bobby Joe's car parked in the parking lot of the Dew Drop Inn. She pulled in and took out her checkbook and thought, 'good, I'll give him the feed money for Merovin to give to Billy Bob.'
She parked the car and went inside. As her eyes adjusted to the dimness of the bar, she saw Bobby Joe standing behind the bar.
"Hey, Bobby Joe!"
"Hey, Tequila Sunrise! Ooops! I mean Rose. What are you doing here?"
"I have the check for Merovin's feed. Would you give it to Billy Bob for me?"
Behind her a voice said thickly, "Why don't you give it to me yourself?"
She turned around and there on a bar stool sat her ex-husband.
Alone. And very, very drunk.

Rose came over to him as he sat at the bar.
"Billy Bob? Are you alright?"
"Alright? S-s-sure, I'm alright. Why wouldn't I be?"
Rose sat down. "I know you pretty well. When you get like this, something is wrong."
Billy Bob signalled for Bobby Joe to put another one in front of him. BJ poured him another scotch.
Billy Bob stood up. "Hey, sw-sw-sweetheart, watch my drink for me, willya?"
Rose watched him as he headed towards the john. She turned to Bobby Joe, grabbed his collar and pulled him over the bar.
"Are you out of your mind? Giving him more liquor when he is like this?"
Bobby Joe squeaked out, "Hey, give me a break and I will explain, OK?"
Rose let go and Bobby Joe fell against the bar sink.
"It's like this. It's Valentine's Day. Billy Bob has been seeing this Tiffany--"
"Tiffany? Tiffany Winthrop?"
"Yeah, you know her?"
Rose said, "I've heard of her."
"Anyways, things are getting hot and heavy and at a crucial moment, who should pop out of the closet but Wanda Sue--dressed as Bozo the Clown, mind you---with a camera, trying to get compromising pictures of BB and a woman, uh, breaking his marriage vows. So she can get her divorce and half of Billy Bob's assets."
Rose said, "Why am I not surprised? But WHY are you continuing to give him liquor? Good grief, Bobby Joe! it is only 2:00 PM!"
Bobby Joe reached under the bar and brought out BB's keys.
"It's like this. If he is here, I can see how much he has to drink and I took his car keys. Better I keep an eye on him and get him home rather than have him wander elsewhere with people who won't care. I am the lesser of two evils. And shhh!! Here he comes!"

Billy Bob gingerly lowered himself onto the bar stool. He had a hard time focusing his eyes. "So--wh-wh-what bringsh you to the po' shide of town, babe?"
Rosamond sat down next to him and said, "I was driving in from the City and saw Bobby Joe's truck parked here so I decided to drop off the feed check for Merovin."
Billy Bob leaned over her and rested his head on her shoulder. "Awww....that is so shweet Y-you are an angel!"
Rose gently pushed Billy Bob off her. "Yes, I am. Now, you stay on your side, I'll stay on mine, Montgomery."
He landed on the other side of the bar, his eyes trying to focus. Bobby Joe asked her, "Do you want something to drink, Rose?"
She said, "Just a Pepsi, please."
He set it down and said, "Here. On the house." He moved away to wait on other patrons.
Rose sipped her Pepsi and said, "Billy Bob? BB? HEY! MONTGOMERY! Over here."
Billy Bob looked at her through an alcoholic haze. "Huh? Rosamond? You coming back to me?"
Rose said,"No, Billy Bob. Not hardly. Look at you. You can hardly stand up. Come on. I'm taking you home."
"B-best offer you've given me in a l-l-long time." He kissed the air in her general direction.
She motioned Bobby Joe over and said, "BJ, would you please help me get him in my car? He's in no shape to drive and he's really in no shape to be left here. I'll drive him back to the ranch. And turn him over to Juanita."
Bobby Joe said, "Sure thing--Jake? Hank? Want to give me a hand?"
The three of them took Billy Bob out and got him situated in Rose's car.
"You gonna need help once you get there?"
Rose said, "No. I can push him out the door. Oh, don't look at me like that! I'm not going to leave him in the snow!"
She got in the driver's seat and looked over at him. "Ready, Cowboy?"
"Rose, you want me again!"
In his fog, he tried to move in on her but she took her foot and kicked him back into the door. He fell back and said, "OW!"
She took the spiked heel of her foot and weilded it in front of her like a samurai sword.
"One more move like that and I skewer you, Montgomery!"
But by then he has passed out. She shook her head, sighed and whispered to herself, 'what a mess!'


BESS, STRIKE TWO...........by Coralynn

It's mid-afternoon when Mrs. Lumbart arrives at Dr. Bidwell's office with her four children. As she drags them into the reception area, she mutters, "My sitter cancelled!" and plops them down around the table in the children's play area.
Nurse Barbara is assisting the doctor in one of the examination rooms, so this scenario is played out for Bess and Bess alone, who gets the patient's name and tells her "The doctor will be with you soon," which Nurse Barbara has made her memorize. The morning patients were told "sit and wait your turn!" in an impatient voice, so Bess is proud that now she sounds like a professional.
Nurse Barbara appears and ushers Mrs. Lumbart into an examination room, leaving Bess to tend four small children, two of whom seem to be twin boys. The oldest child, a girl, couldn't be over four years old, the twins about three and the youngest boy pushing two.
The phone rings, which Bess answers in her best receptionest voice, "Doctor's office"............your name is what?............I can't hear you over the racket the brats in the reception room are making...........your name is what??..............just a minute...." she lays down the phone and goes over to where the four children are ripping pages out of one of those children's Bible books, and snatches it out of the hands of one of the twins. Returning to the phone she says..."Ok now, what did you say your name was? ........Mr. Eldred?............is this a joke? a man can't have a baby," and hangs up.
She rushes over to the small children as the two year old is stuffing his mouth with crayons. She yanks the crayons away, which sets up a terrific howling from the child. The others are climbing on the table, one about to reach up and yank down a light fixture.
Bess goes back to her station and looks for something, anything............ahhhhh, this is good. She returns to the children and puts each one in a separate chair, pulling their arms behind them, duct-taping their wrists together. This keeps them from climbing, but the howling is getting louder by the minute.
"Quiet!" she yells at them.
They howl even louder.

When Mrs. Lumbart re-enters the reception area she stands there shocked to see her children duct-taped to the chairs, with the same material holding their little mouths shut. Dr. Bidwell is right behind her, and for a minute has no words to explain what has happened here. He looks at Bess with shock and dismay.
"What have you done?!" both he and Mrs. Lumbart ask simultaneously.
"If you can't control your children, lady, don't take them out of the house!" Bess feels righteous indignation.
Dr. Bidwell quickly releases each child from his or her bounds and rips the duct-tape from their mouths, which hurts a lot and causes great screaming and crying.
Mrs. Lumbart is incensed, "You have a nerve!" she yells at Bess, then to Dr. Bidwell she announces, "You get rid of that menace or I change obstetricians!"
"It won't happen again, Mrs. Lumbart, I promise," Roger Bidwell tries to pacify the woman who is well within her rights to be furious.
"It had better not! Where did you find such......such a vicious person to work here? This is a doctor's office, not the state prison!"
Roger sighs.
"Come, children," she tells her brood, "We're going home! If the rash I see on their mouths doesn't fade by tonight, you will be hearing from my attorney!" and slams out of the place.
Roger tries to be calm, reasonable, diplomatic even, but this situation is straining his self control.
"Bess, I think you're done for the day. Go home. Think over the things you learned today...."
"OH!" Bess lights up, "I did one thing right! Some guy called and tried to make an appointment, but I'm no dummy, I told him that men can't have babies, and I was on to the joke." she smiles with pride.
"Uh HUH," is Roger's response as he goes to the coat closet, retrieves her coat and helps her on with it. "Bess, go home....now."


NOT ON THE SHIP'S ITINERARY........by Coralynn

The passengers on the Holland America cruise ship, tanned from two weeks in Barbadoes, cluster on deck in their winter parkas, as the weather has turned very cold since they've gotten closer to their docking in New York City. Many are also huddled under wool blankets, loath to give up the idea of lounging out on the deck though the air is more than fifty degrees too cold for doing so. They sip their tropical drinks, wishing they were back on the beach.
Mrs. Black, who has been most annoying, as she has yelled about the service, the weather, the cabin they were assigned and even the food, stands by the rail and yells out something which no one can hear clearly, as they tuned her out ten days to two weeks ago.
She continues to yell and point to something in the water.
Her husband, browbeaten and timid, joins her and glances out into the water, then he too begins to chant, "Overboard!" over and over.
"Someone fell overboard?" Mrs. Emerson raises one eybrow, "Surely no one I know, no one imporant!" and continues to read her book.
A few other passengers join the Blacks at the rail and soon quite a commotion has developed. They start yelling something which is now even harder to hear with the helicopter noise overhead.
"Get the Captain!" someone screams.
"Stop the ship!" someone else yells out.
Someone obviously tells the captain, who emerges on deck to the overpowering noise of several helicopters and the screaming of the passengers gathered at the rail.
He looks in the water and is shocked to see three women swimming right toward their ship. He runs back inside and instructs the assistant to blow the ship's whistle, which he does. This sound melds into the other loud noises, and somehow, the captain sees, the swimmers don't react to it.
The screaming becomes overpowering as the passengers see the swimmers go under the boat.......they all rush to the railing at the other side of the boat and are horrified to see body parts now floating in the water. Mrs. Black passes out. Even Mrs. Emerson is now at the rail, and begins to throw up.
"STOP THE SHIP!" several of the men yell, rushing into the pilot's cabin.
"I say, isn't it a bit late for that?" Mr. Higgins from England asks, archly.
It takes several minutes, but the ship does finally come to a standstill in the water. By now the body parts are visible in the distance, floating on the waves............

MEANWHILE:

The television programming is suddenly interruped by a shot taken from above, of a mass of tangled body parts, wires and components floating in a ever widening circle in the Atlantic ocean.
William's eyes widen as he puts two and two together, but, out of habit if nothing else, yells "Eleanor!" over and over.


WHO'S CHEATING WHO?......by Terri

Rosamond pulled up in front of the ranch. She looked through the window at it. Was it really only about two years that I lived here? The columns looked imposing. She gave the gatehouse a cursory glance. It was here that Randy Griswold hid out and met his fate. And started things in motion to get John, Billy Bob and her where they were today.
She took a deep breath and turned to the man who sat in the front seat. The man who used to be her husband. She shook him gently.
"Billy Bob? MONTGOMERY! WAKE UP!"
He barely became conscious and looked around.
"Where are we?"
She rolled her eyes and asked, "You really ARE out of it! Stay right here and I'll get Juanita."
He fell face forward on the dash and fell asleep again. She walked up to the door and rang the bell. She knocked. Rang again. No answer. She walked over to the third rock in and lifted it. The key was still there. So predictable! She used the key and opened the door.
"Juanita? Juanita? Are you here?"
No answer. Rose began to wonder what to do now. First to get him out of the car. She opened the passenger door and said, "OK, cowboy, let's go."
He leaned over and gave Rose a lopsided grin. "Ya want me. Bad."
She said, "Yeah. Right. I have to get you out of the truck and into the house."
"S-shure, honey." He fell out of the truck and into the snowbank. She sighed. "Well, if that doesn't wake you up, nothing will."
Billy Bob stood up and swayed a bit. His face was covered with snow. Rose brushed it from his face.
"Abominable snowman. That's you."
He put his arms around her. "Th-thanks for sh-shupporting me. But then I sh-shupported you for a few years, dinnit I?"
Rose tried to walk, holding him up. "Let's not drag this out again, Montgomery. Let's just think of ourselves as friends helping each other. And--OW! You pinch me there once more and I leave you right where you stand. Which won't be long because I will punch you."
Billy Bob slurred, "Aw, co-come on, Ro-rosamond. Did more'n that when we were hitched."
She ignored him. He stumbled up the stairs and then leaned on her. She led him to the couch and he flopped down. She picked his legs up and took his boots off. "Where's Juanita? Did she go shopping?"
"Nope. She went to S-sa-sa-sa-...."
"Sagamore?"
"No"
"Saskatchewan?" Billy Bob laughed at that one. "Is that in Kansas?"
She said, "No. Canada. Now, where is Juanita?"
Billy Bob's brow furrowed. Then he broke out in a smile. "Sattle. That's it!"
"In a saddle? She went riding?"
He said, "No. The place where it rains all the time. And you don't get any sleep there."
"Seattle?"
Billy Bob cocked his finger like a gun and said, "Bingo! That's it!"
Rose groaned. "Let me get this straight. You are drunk. I gave you a ride home. So you would get here in on piece. Now you're telling me that the woman who is preventing you from pulling a William Holden is in SEATTLE? Oh, this day just gets better and better! What else can possibly happen to upset me?"

Huh? A William Holden? You just HAVE to tell me that bedtime story, honey! Hey, isn't he the guy that I Love Lucy dumped sp-sp-spaghetti on in the Brown Derby?"
Rose was irritated. "How should I know? All I know is that I heard John say it one time. He was an actor who drank too much and hit his head on his coffee table and bled to death."
"REALLY?"
"Well, that's what I heard!"
"And you care enough to k-k-keep me from bleedin' all over the ca-carpet?"
"No, I spent alot of time and effort redecorating this male chauvinistic clubhouse and I don't want to see it ruined."
Billy Bob sat there with his arms folded across his chest and pouted. "And here I thought you CARED!"
He attempted to stand and bumped his knee on the coffee table and fell forward. Rose caught him as he grabbed her arms and they both went sailing back.
Billy Bob leered, "And I shupposhed that was an ac-ac-accident, huh? What do they call it? A Franciscan slip?"
"Freudian slip and let go of me, you lech! I SHOULD let you stay here and bleed out!"
She pushed him back and she jumped to her feet. Billy Bob muttered something.
"What? What did you say?"
"Nothing."
"You said something. And it wasn't very nice. Out with it or I'm going home right now!"
Billy Bob looked up at her with such pain in his eyes. "Why do I get dumped?"
Rose sat down. "What are you talking about?"
"Is there something I am doing wrong?"
Rose crossed her legs and said, "Where do I start?" But she saw his face and how miserable he was and she couldn't help herself.
"OK, Montgomery, you are about to get a course on Obsession 101. But I am getting some food in you first."
"Don't you ha-have to be ho-home?"
Rose looked at her watch. "No. The kids are over at Celeste's and she had plenty of help. I am arranging with Celeste to be their unofficial nanny seeing as how I am going back to work at Planet next week."
"I thought I forbid you to work there."
"EXCUSE ME?"
"Oh! Oh yeah, I forgot--I can't do that anymore!"
She went into the kitchen and looked in the refrigerator. She took out some cheese.
"Hey, Ro' you aren't gonna fry up any bacon, are you? Because I remember once when we were married..."
"Shut up, Billy Bob."
She came out a few minutes later with grilled cheese sandwiches and some deli cole slaw.
"Here. Feed your face. Get that blood sugar up."
He looked at it cautiously and then took a bite. "Not bad. Where did you learn to make this?"
"When you have kids, you learn what they will eat and what they won't."
Billy Bob said quietly, "How is Julie?"
"You mean the little hellcat?"
Billy Bob laughed as Rose told him about her painting Jake.
"Will and the baby doing fine?"
"Yes. The baby is trying to sit up now. Will is smart as a whip. But you knew that."
"You and Mr. Studmuffin planning on any more kids?"
Rose said, "None of your business and don't call him that."
"Ok, OK." Then he said quietly, "Rosamond, I'm sorry for so much. I really screwed us up, didnt' I?"
Rose shook her head. "It was something that never should have been. I think it was like a play with actors on a stage. We had our roles and we had to play them out."
"You mean you had to play my love out to the end. You took my heart and stomped it into the ground, you know."
"Your possessiveness didn't help. The disappearing act topped it all."
Billy Bob continued to eat in silence. Rose helped herself to a Pepsi.
Then he said, "You know, I thought Tiffany was someone who could help me get over you, Rose. But she played me for a sucker all the way down the line."
"I tried to warn you about her. I told you she was a gold digger."
"No, you told me she was a silver miner! You always DID have a way with words, honey."
Rose said, "Just go ahead and make your jokes, Montgomery!"
He reached up and pushed her hair off her face. "You are just as beautiful as the first day I saw you at the Dew Drop Inn. Do you remember?" he said softly.
Just then her cellphone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hi, is this Mrs. Gwinnett?"
"Yes, it is."
"This is Trudy at O'Brien's Pub. We called your house and a nice young woman told us your cell number. Anyways, we wanted to tell you that your husband left his gloves on the table when the two of you were in here last night."
"Gloves?"
"Yes. Mr. Gwinnett left his gloves here. We tracked him down by the credit card number. They are nice leather gloves and I am sure he would want them back."
Rose was bewildered. "His gloves? He left them there?"
"Yes. On the table."
"I see."
"Will you see that he gets the message, Mrs. Gwinnett?"
"Oh. Yes. You can be sure. He will get it. You can count on that."
"OK--they will be by the bartender's cash register! Oh--and I wanted to ask you--where do you get your hair cut?"
"My hair cut?"
"Yes. I've been trying to find someone who will cut mine in a pixie cut like yours and I love the burgundy highlights. I just wondered if you could tell me where...Hello? Hello?"

Rose slowly folded up her cellphone and put it in her pocket. She stood in the middle of Billy Bob's living room, not quite knowing what to do. Billy Bob walked over to her.
"Hey, you OK? Rose?"
She didn't answer. He said, "Rose? Your face has gone white. You need to sit down?"
He led her to the chair and sat her down. The blood had left her face. She started to hyperventilate. Billy Bob said, "OK, put your head down. Between your knees. Breath deep."
She was like a rag doll in his hands. He sat on the arm of the chair and held her head down. Her breath began to slowly return to normal. She stood up slowly and began to put her coat on.
In a rush, she said, "I have to go, Billy Bob. I have to go. I have to go...."
His voice showed alarm. "Rosamond, what is it? Is it the kids? Someone get sick or hurt?"
She shook her head. She whispered, "John. I--I--I am afraid he is cheating on me."
A tear trailed down her cheek. She stood there bravely and said, "You have every reason to feel I am getting my just desserts, Montgomery."
He said soberly, "Much as I want to say that revenge is a dish best served up cold, I can't quite bring myself to do that."
Rose wiped the tear away with the back of her hand. She smiled shakily.
"What goes around comes around, huh? I guess I know now how you felt."
She picked up her purse and car keys. She said to him, "You will be alright now?"
"Yeah, honey. But will YOU?"
She squared her shoulders and said, "I'm a cat. I always land on my feet."
As she walked towards the door, Billy Bob retrieved something and pressed it into her hand.
"Just in case.." he said.
She looked down. The card read, "Montgomery Investigations. Private. Discreet. Domestic Surveillance."
She looked up at him and he shrugged and said, "I kept my spy equipment."
She tucked it in her pocket and said, "I'll keep it in mind."
She walked down the steps and headed towards her car. He walked out with her. "Thanks, Rose. I mean it."
"Well, ex-lovers CAN be friends."
"Too bad friends can't be lovers too."
She got in her car and drove home. To what she didn't know.


MATCHMAKER, MATCHMAKER..........by Coralynn

Celeste has just finished the most unpleasant job of cleaning the oven when she hears Bess enter the house. Looking up, she asks, "How'd you get home and why are you so early?"
"Dr. Bidwell put me in a taxi," Bess answers, "wasn't that nice of him? He must think I'm terrific to let me come home early."
Celeste has her doubts, "Oh? how so?"
"Well, I didn't let anyone pull the wool over my eyes. One guy called in to make an appointment, but I was too smart for him. I told him that men didn't have babies and hung up."
"Did you tell Dr. Bidwell about this?"
"Oh yes! I think he was pleased, too...because that's when he told me I could come home early."
"It never occurred to you that perhaps the man was trying to make an appointment for his wife?"
"Come on Celeste! I didn't just fall off a turnip truck!"
Celeste resists the urge to tell her that if she did fall off said truck it was probably on her head.
"I have to sign up for that matchmaker website now, but I'll need help," Bess grabs an oatmeal raisen cookie from the plate and heads for the computer room.
Bess sits in front of the computer and types in match.com
A sign in screen appears with questions.
"OH! I get to tell about myself.....let's see now, I have to have a nick-name, or sign-in name or something. What do you think I should type in?"
"How about 'the landlord's daughter'?"
"But wouldn't that be telling them I'm a time traveler?"
"Not really. Type it in."
"OK, here goes!" Bess types in 'Eiw Jsoandefs dirthwqr'.
Celeste looks at it and suggests, "Let me do the typing." She replaces Bess on the chair.
She reads the next question, "You are a how-many-years-old women? I'll put 21. OK. Who are you looking for, what ages?"
"A man my age."
"There's an age spread here, how about a man between 25 and 30?"
"But that's old! How about a man 21?"
"You'd cut down on the possibles that way. I can put 21 to 30, OK?"
"Alright, but if some doddering old guy shows up at our door I won't open it!" Bess says dramatically.
Celeste laughs and fills in more answers, some of which she supplies herself instead of conferring with Bess, which, she's aware could stretch this procedure out for many hours.
"Your favorite things....." Celeste reads aloud.
"My favoite things are shopping, going to the Mall, going to Saks, going to Barneys...."
"Those are all shopping, Bess. Surely you have interests outside just shopping!"
"Not really...."
Celeste sighs and just types in the one-word interest, thinking that surely no man in his right mind would want to date a woman so shallow that her only interest in life is buying things.
"Your income?"
"I don't know......let's see the choices. Oh sure, how about over $100,000?"
"But you don't make that much, even with the occasional modeling jobs and I know you can't earn that much working for Dr. Bidwell."
"Put it anyway!"
Celeste clicks the box beside the 'over 100,000' choice.
"How much do you require a date to earn?"
"Click the highest one. Is there one for millionaire?"
"No. Over 100 thou is the best we can do."
"Look, Celeste, I don't want some down-on-his-luck guy showing up at our front door!"
Celeste clicks beside the 100,000 option.
"Sports?" Celeste is bracing for another silly answer.
"Uhhh, put a click beside car racing! And scuba diving!" Bess says enthusiastically.
"Since when do you scuba dive?"
"I don't. But it sounds adventurous so let's click on it.
"Last book you read?"
"Hmmm, I don't do much reading. How about the February issue of Glamour magazine?"
Celeste puts that down, knowing that any man with an active brain is going to steer clear of this gal.
"Kids?"
"What kids? I don't have kids."
"Do you want to have any is what the questionaire wants to know."
"Not now!"
"Ever?"
"Put undecided...."
Celeste shakes her head and as the questions progress has to type in more answers from Bess that make her sound like a shallow airhead, which, Celeste is all too aware, is exactly what she is.


JUST LIKE A MAN...by Terri

William was dozing off in his recliner, Julie curled up next to him sleeping. Eleanor breezed through and William opened up one eye and stirred.
"El, I almost forgot! John wanted you to call him. Something about Rose."
"OK. Where's Cecily?"
"She left. She said she must have had a touch of flu yesterday. She looked kind of green. Must be the stomach flu."
"Something like that. Did he say where he was?"
"Fitness Center. Where else?"
Eleanor went into the den and dialed the number.
"Fitness Center. John here, how can I help you?"
"Well, hello to you too, Mr. Gwinnett!"
"Eleanor! I've been trying to reach you all day."
"William just gave me the message."
"How are the kids?"
"Fine. Celeste is giving Jenna a bottle and Julie is napping right next to Wiliam. And Will is out sledding with Robin. What can I do you for, dear?"
John hesitated, then plunged right in. "El, is something wrong with my wife?"
"Wrong?"
"Yes. She seems to be coming unspooled."
"I saw her yesterday at our luncheon and she seemed just fine. Cecily was a bit under the weather. Everyone was excited about Valentine's Day. So..what did you get Rose, John?"
"Huh?"
"What did you get Rose for Valentine's Day?"
"Why, did she say something?"
"Not really, she told me you hadn't given her anything yet but she was sure you'd send flowers or something. She planned a nice quiet romantic dinner. She seemed really excited about it. She left the children with Celeste and hurried home. Why? did something happen?"
John said, "I guess you could say I forgot."
"Forgot. You forgot. HOW COULD YOU FORGET VALENTINE'S DAY? You must have had some fancy explaining to do. Didn't you feel like a chump when she had that nice romantic dinner for you and you showed up empty-handed?"
"How was I supposed to know?"
"The whole world knows, John. For such a savvy person, you are so incredibly dense."
"You know what, Eleanor? I don't need to take this from you right now. So I made a mistake. It's not like it is the end of the world. Rose knows I love her."
"Does she? You know, that is so like a----"
CLICK!
"---man! AARRGGHH! See if I help you next time, Mr. Gwinnett!"
Rosamond pulled into the parking lot of O'Brien's Pub and parked her car. She walked in and her eyes adjusted to the dimness. She went up to the bartender and said, "Hi. My name is Roz. I was sent by Mr. Gwinnett to pick up his gloves. I'm his secretary."
The bartender gave her a smile. "Hi. My name is Kevin. Let me see...where did I put them? Oh yes! Here they are!"
He pulled out the leather gloves from underneath the bar. "Right nice ones, too. If he didn't claim them, I was going to keep them for myself!"
Rose turned them over in her hands. "Yes, they are nice."
'I should know, I bought them for him', she thought.
"I'll see he gets them," she said.
Oh boy, will I see he gets them!


MAKE ME A MATCH......by Coralynn

"Wahoo! Look at this one!" Bess exclaims, pointing to a picture on the computer screen, "He's hot! Let's see what he says about himself...."
Celeste's curiosity gets the better of her and she joins Bess at the computer. She sees the picture of a man in swiming trunks flexing his muscles like a bodybuilder. Very poor taste, she thinks, but he would appeal to Bess.
Bess scrolls down to read the guy's profile.
"He says his interests are scuba diving, YAY, and going out on his yacht, OH BOY, and shopping....WHOOPEE!"
"Uh huh!" Celeste says.
"And he's 30! Eruuuuu, that's kinda old!"
"But he may have other good characteristics, what's the last book he read?" Celeste isn't holding out for anything very intellectual.
"He says here he just read the complete works of Shakspeare plus the March edition of Field & Stream."
Celeste chuckles, knowing that the last named item is the real one.
"I'm going to email him!" Bess declares, "Here goes......"

MEANWHILE:

Cecily wakes from her nap and goes into the kitchen to find something to eat. No one else seems to be home which gives her the creeps. She hears footsteps overhead. Is someone in the attic? she panics.
Grabbing the phone she quickly dials the police station.
"Chappaqua police!" a voice announces.
"This is Cecily Gwinett on Winding Willow. I hear a prowler...."
"Are you alone in the house?"
"Yes, and I'm fightened.."
"I'll send someone out."
"Please don't send Travis McGee!" she pleads, "He's strange. Do you have anyone else?"
"I'll come myself. This is Alan Carson, I believe we met at your welcoming party."
"Whew! Good! Yes, I remember you. Please hurry!"
Alan hangs up the phone and reaches for his coat, telling Travis, who has been actively eavesdropping on his phone conversation, "I'll be back soon. Don't go anywhere, just man the phones." and leaves.
Travis mocks, "'I believe we met at your welcoming party!' So Alan doesn't want me to go, HE wants to go and take cuts in line! If only WandaSue had made good on her promise to make me police chief when she became mayor, but noooooooooo!"

Alan drives to the Gwinett house on Winding Willow and parks in the driveway.
He can see Cecily looking out the front window as he approaches the front door, and the bell has barely been rung before the door opens and she says, "Thank you for coming! Come in and listen...."
Alan enters the house and is lead into the kitchen where Cecily points upward and explains, "I heard footsteps up there in the attic."
They both become very quiet and listen.
Alan hears soft footsteps over head and goes outside to see what's positioned directly over the kitchen. Cecily chews her cuticles as she waits for him to return.
He isn't gone long, and when he comes back inside he's smiling, carrying a large cat, "Here's your prowler, Cecily!"
"A cat?"
"A large cat. He was running around on the roof."
"Not in the attic?"
"There is no attic over the kitchen in this house, my dear."
"What a relief! Would you like some coffee? I feel I should offer you some hospitality after you went to all the trouble of solving my problem."
"I'll have a cup, and if you have any..........." he looks in the fridge, "Yep! There it is, coffeecake! How did I know it would be there?"
"Because you've been here before?"
"Yes, plus I know John and he's a coffeecake fanatic. You see, when he and Rose were first married her cooking was so abysmal that the only safe thing to eat was something already prepared, ergo coffee cake for breakfast."
Cecily laughs, "And coffee cake it shall be!"
They sit at the table and sip their coffee and nibble on the cake.
"Ahhh a repast fit for the Gods!" Alan jokes as he stands, then asks, "Would you care to attend a concert with me this coming weekend, Cecily? It's Rachmaninoff!"
"That would be wonderful! I've been catching up on my music history since I'm missing about 350...." she stops herself, shocked that she's giving away the fact that she's a time traveler.
"I know all about time travel, don't look so stricken!" Alan reaches over and puts his arm around her.
"Are you...."
"I'm not, but I've been taken on a couple trips by my friends. So I know. You can relax and say whatever you wish to without censoring anything."
"What a relief! I keep saying that to you, don't I? Well, Alan, you are a breath of fresh air and I'm looking forward to attending the concert with you."
"As am I! ....with you, that is," he grins as he goes out the door.
Cecily watches him walk to his police car, get in and turn, waving. She laughs, 'he knew I was watching him and it's OK. Alan Carson....yeah.....let's see how does Cecily Carson sound? cut it out, girl!" she hears his car start down the street and swirls around the living room like a dancer.


THWACK!......by Terri

Rosamond pulled into a parking space next to John's Corvette at the Fitness Center. She put the gloves in her pocket and walked into the fitness center. The door to John's office was closed. She knocked.
"Come in."
Rose walked in and John looked up from his computer. He was genuinely surprised to see her. Could this be a step in the right direction? Does she want to kiss and make up? Maybe I won't have to sleep on the couch tonight...
"Hey, hon! What brings you over here?"
Rose reached in her pocket and pulled out the gloves. She whacked John over the head with them. A few times.
"OW! OW! OW! What the hell is THAT for?"
Rose said with controlled fury, "It seems you left them at O'Brien's Pub WHEN YOU WERE THERE WITH YOUR WIFE! Well, I have news for you, buddy boy! YOU'VE NEVER BEEN THERE WITH YOUR WIFE!"
With that, she flounced out of the room. John's belt got caught in the computer chair and as he stood up, the belt forced him back down. He untangled himself and rushed to get out the door. As he did, Roseamond roared by in her SUV.
Showin' nothin' but the tail lights.

John went back into the fitness center swearing his head off. Slim and Rafe backed against the wall to stay out of his way.
SLAM!!
They looked at each other. Slim said, "Wonder what THAT was all about?"
Rafe said, "Don't know, but guaranteed it is either Cecily or Rose that was meant for."
Slim said, "You noticed John has been looking kind of ragged lately? Like he hasn't gotten a good night's sleep in a bit."
Daniel was walking by and they snagged him. "What? The place on fire?"
Slim pointed to the door and said, "In there."
"What? The Kraken?"
Rafe stepped back as Daniel opened the door. Slim turned and scrambled backwards. "I don't want any part of it!"
They both scurried off towards the workout room.
'Cowards!' Daniel said under his breath.
John sat at the computer staring at the screen. "What do you want?" he snarled. Daniel said casually, "OH, just access to MY computer over there. This place is a mess! What is with all the broken pencils? And if you've been shooting them into the wastebasket, you've missed every time!"
John just sat there, tapping the computer desk with the errant gloves.
"I think I screwed up," he said softly.
Daniel's ears perked up. "I think a certain word just caught my attention."
John snapped, "It is not what you think!"
Daniel suppressed a smile. "I didn't think so."
He waited a full minute and then he said, "OK, you can't leave me hanging! So..how did you screw up?"
John said defensively, "It was only a few drinks! How was I suppose to know what time it was? AND WHY DIDN'T YOU REMIND ME IT WAS VALENTINE'S DAY?"
Daniel said, "I DID! Guess you didn't hear me. Anyways, since when am I your secretary? I am a PARTNER! And a few drinks? OH HO! With the comely and shapely Ms McMahon?"
John didn't answer. Daniel looked at him and said, "John, you are such an ass!"
He shook his head in disgust and walked out the door.

Rose pulled into the parking lot of the Grand Union. She was steaming. And the more she thought about it, the madder she got. She punched in a familiar phone number.
"Hello?"
She hesitated and then said, "I think I would like to avail myself of your services..."

For story 109 (again) and onward, Click Here OR
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