Holy Cow! It's movie reviews!
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2Fast 2Furious|
About Schmidt|
Adaptation|
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American Wedding|
Basic|
Bringing Down The House|
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Bruce Almighty|
Catch Me if You Can|
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle|
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Chicago|
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind|
Daredevil|
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Dreamcatcher|
Final Destination 2|
Gangs of New York|
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Head of State|
Hulk|
Matrix Reloaded|
Old School|
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Phone Booth|
Pirates of the Caribbean|
Seabiscuit|
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Shanghai Knights|
T3: Rise of the Machines|
Willard|
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X2: X-Men United|
**
1/2
If the car moves, drive it. Old Mister Liggenshteiner used to say that didn't he? Well, in any case, these drivers took full advantage of the babies they got to drive in this smash box-office feel-good rumble-tumble burn-da-rubber make-some-cash smear-it-on-a-monkey-rash sequel. First off, ya got Paul Walker, not a bad actor. Could be the next Keanu Reeves if he really wants it. But he's gotta want it more than a fat football player wants chocolate cheesecake. All these darn here car movies...Well, well, well, Tyrese. Perhaps he should stick to modeling. I mean, he makes all the gags, but I don't see him in any other A-Class movies any time soon. Plus, he drove a purple convertible in this movie. Not cool man, not cool. It's purple. The rest of the cast shaped well, and the plot wasn't too kooky, so I'm going to have to go with an average to above average rating. Its bound to keep any marshmellow entertained, and let me tell ya, it's not easy to entertain a marshmellow. (The trick is in the Apple Strudel that they'll ask for time and time again, they love that). I think it's time for a verdict. In the Potatoland courtroom, we have Judge Potato, and The People vs. 2Fast 2Furious. Here we go:
Judge Potato: I've reached a frickin verdict. Now lets get on with this so people can go eat us in Wendy's.
The People: Aight, lets heah it man.
Judge Potato: In accordance with all the shit that this society makes up and the sex, violence, drama and talking dogs on television, along with cars in movies and parodies about Ebay and Superman, I have ruled that this movie is NOT too fast. As long as it abides by the speed of light, it's too slow in my shitty book. HOWEVER, take into account that this movie takes place in Miami AND has some fast food in it. If old people eat that junk, they're in for a long surprise...like death. Thus, I rule that this movie IS too furious, and that that part of the title may remain. I judge that the new title of this flick must be dubbed "Eh, not that fast, but shitloads of furiousity." Now lets eat some candles.
The People: Ok.
There ya have it folks. 2.5 Potatoes, no filler, less Dennis Miller, no Ben Stiller. (What?)
Definitely see this if: You liked the first one, and/or you just love high-paced extreme racing that's bound to leave you exasperated.
You must avoid this if: You're older than 50
Potato Man predicts: Should do alright, but we'll wait and see if it can peel the petunia like the other sequels did.
**
1/2
Right from the commercials, we are pulled into this drama by the sight of Jack Nicholson and the theme song from "American Beauty," and I was pulled into the front row at Loews Cineplex because the show was almost sold out for god sakes. (We bought tickets for the 10:30 show and snuck into the 7:30, we're gangstas now). But let me tell ya, my neck didn't appreciate it. Ah, the show, of course. The movie lives up to its promise of acting, but it lacks the spirit and the charisma that keeps us attentive and interested in a movie. Well, that's for those of us who are 30 and under. If you're looking for a thrilling action-packed hardcore wham-bam-money gram type of movie, you'll be left in the dust buddy, because this one is as slow as they come. Older folks will enjoy the wit and charm that is seen every 5 or so seconds, so go fetch grandpa and give him a night on the town. Overall, not bad, but I doubt it will take home any oscars due to the immense competition it faces. Two and a half potatoes for this one.
P.S. Don't confuse this movie with Stealing Harvard. Some people may refer to that as "About shit."
Definitely see this if: You're old
You must avoid this if: Slow movies make you want to commit suicide
Potato Man predicts: No oscars for this one
***
Double the Cage, double the fun. When I first saw that Nick Cage was nominated in the "Best Actor in a Drama Movie" category at the Golden Globes, I ran outside and slammed myself into a tree. But after regaining consciousnessness and realizing that my knee was bleeding, I reconsidered my harsh judgment. So I saw this movie and it was pretty frickin good. Cage plays two characters, and it's ironic because he makes a big speech about how "multible personality is overdone" while portraying one of his characters, Charlie Kaufman. You're a living contradiction Nicky. Anyhoo, Meryl Streep and Chris Cooper throw in some extra whipped cream to their roles and give good performances...thus earning them each a golden globe. Nice job guys. THAT'S NOT WHAT MY ALTER-EGO THINKS. COME OSCAR TIME, YOU'RE GOING DOWN STREEP. CAMERON DIAZ WAS KICKASS IN GANGS OF NEW YORK, AND SHE'S GONNA MELT YOU LIKE BUTTA ON A BURNING BAGEL. There, I said it. Sorry about Horton. He comes out at random points sometimes. Overall, I'm gonna give this flick three potatoes, and I'm giving Sarah from "Joe Millionaire" half of a potato because she's a dirty slut and she's in it for the moolah. Cheers.
Definitely see this if: You want to see Nick Cage at his all-time best
You must avoid this if: You're looking for a high-paced thrill ride...cuz you aint gonna get one Jimmy
Potato Man Predicts: Well it's good, but it's not Gangs of New York material...so I'm going with 2 oscars
** 1/2
Weddings just don't get more American than this huh? Whew, congrats to Jim and Michelle. If I had planned this movie fifteen years ago as a 3 year old infant, I never would have imagined these two getting married in the ultimate climax of the fan-favorite, critically acclaimed (by young critics anyway), dare-to-play-the- college-sex-game, American Pie saga. Good thinking though, this one turned out to be a wacky one. Of course you've got Sean William Scott thrown back in there as Stiffler, who's part gave this movie any begging chance at all. In fact, why don't we name the movie "Stiffler"? No no...too rashy. But I do see bigger, and maybe not so better things for this daring young character. Come here kiddies, grab the shovels and head on down to the cemetery to dig up Jean Arthur and James Stewart for the sequel everyone's been waiting for. With Sean William Scott that is...in Mr. Stiffler Goes To Washington. Not satisfying enough for you? Don't even make me go into my Blair Stiffler Project marketing pitch. That one's a hoot. Well wouldn't ya know it, Finch and Kev are back in this one, along with another weird three minute appearance from Stiffler's mom, very much expected. I'm not going to lie to you, the character reunion works well again, and the laughs still come pouring in like Acid rain on your summer house in the Hamptons. The big additions in this one are Michelle's sister, and parents. It's always lovely to see directors and producers not give a damn about the parent-to-daughter/son gene pool, giving Michelle red hair when her parents have brown and blonde. And don't give me that recessive crap. That NEVER happens. But that's besides the point, I guess. Hair color is not the issue here. This wedding thing is. Oh shoot, I think I hear them talking about it. Whoa, this is some major stuff man! Let me copy down some notes for you, this could make or break everything.
Michelle (whining): Jim, what are we gonna do? I want to have a wedding. Can we do that or what man?
Jim: Look, Michelle. You're great, you're wonderful, you talk like a deaf person and you're like Michael Jackson weird, but that's cool. Let's do this.
Jim's Dad: Alright son, you're probably going to yell out in a few seconds, for demands and stuff, go right ahead Jimbo.
Jim: ALRIGHT. I'VE GOT A WEDDING TO BE IN TOMORROW. LISTEN UP. I'M GONNA NEED SOME CAKE, FLOWERS, A RING, HOPEFULLY A PART IN ANOTHER MOVIE THAT GETS OVER TWO STARS...UH, I'M GONNA NEED A CHURCH, A MOVIE REVIEW...
Michelle: Wait.
Jim: What?
Michelle: We already GOT the movie review, stupid. This kid is doing one right now.
Jim: You serious?
Michelle: Yeah Jim. We shouldn't even be talking now, theoretically, hypothetically, mathematically, presumptively, indubitably or Bruce Lee.
Jim: Does he like it?
Michelle: That's tough to say. He doesn't seem thrilled.
Kevin: That sucks, man.
Jim's Mom: Ooooh, look who it is everyone! It's the rookie of the year! Remember that little shrimp?
Kevin: Come on lady, I was only like five years old when I did that. One time on the mound I peed my whole jockstrap yellow.
Michelle's sister: Nice.
Chris Klein: Oh, GREAT! I get knocked out of the third one for this little corndog.
Tara Reid: Ditto.
Michelle's sister: Stop it, I'm crying.
Chris Klein: You should be. Your name is January. I hope your parents are good and radioactive by now.
Jim: YOUCH!! What the FRICK?
Michelle: Heehee, aren't cooking utensils fun? I just shoved a spatula in your brain!
Jim: Well get it out of me. We got a wedding to do in like a few hours. [THUMP]
Michelle's mom: Wow, someone's house just fell over down the street. Jim, can you pass the syrup?
Jim: Sure.
WOW, did you see that conversation? We got the inside scoop on these people. Well, Michelle, or Alyson Hannigan rather, wanted to know if I was thrilled. Good question Billy. Well, I wasn't astounded, but I was very much enjoyed. Particularly, movies that I give 2.5 stars to don't have a good number of flaws. Truth be told, I did like the second one better though, with the first probably not far behind. There could have been a liiiiitle more effort put into this one, like maybe more than a 30 second wedding scene. For good spirit, maybe throw a pie or two into the third one for some closure. This is it folks. No more nothin'. For a few hours, we've been able to sit down with some town folk and laugh a little at the clever characters created by Adam Herz, while eating some popcorn and commenting to our neighbors about the stupid little fat kid behind us who keeps asking his mother what a crackwhore is. For the past few years, we've been able to allude to the American Pie legacy as having a great influence in our measly 21st century lives. Generation X, I command you. Buy the triple DVD set when it comes out on Columbia House and make your children proud. Pass down the collection, and tell them to pass it to their kids. Tell their kids to burn it in a fire for the great ice storm of 2057. Tell the kids' kids to save 15% on their car insurance with Geico. Tell their kids to buy the dvd set again on Ebay, but with no more than a $3.00 shipping and handling charge. You see what you've done now Theodore? You've passed down the American Pie thing to some kids way down the line, giving tons of influence and advice even after you're dead. So, in the words of me, making fun of a Don Maclean song....
Bye, Bye, goes American Pie,
Third one came out, baby no doubt
Ticket sales are high...
Got Jason Biggs, his dad's a really weird guy...
And we don't care, so we just don't ask why...
We don't care, we just don't ask why...
Definitely see this if: You're a pie-maniac...A.K.A. a common viewer of the other two schnickies.
You must avoid this if: Well, there's a big crowd of you out there. You know who you are. You people HATE the sex jokes, the youngn's having fun, and the crude humor. I'm not going to mention any names......MADONNA.
Potato Man predicts: That this will be a legacy remembered for a long time. Hey, we all know that this won't bring home any oscars. An unknown baby with three legs could tell you that. But what's important is the message that this movie sent out to teenagers across the world. Go out there. Have fun. Take chances. Be a drunk, sexaholic. It's not like any of your distant relatives care. Unless you're really famous. Then they'd know you and you probably don't want to get them angry, or confused. I mean, you don't see em often, but occasionally there's a barbeque for somebody's two year old monkey and you're bound to bump into them. Just be cool man. Just be cool.
**
Alright Sparky, stop staring at my ultra-cool soldier banner and read the damn review. By the way, that last sentence was a paradox, because if you were staring at the banner you couldn't have read that. It's like a sign that says "Please don't read me", ya know? Well well well, enough chit-chat. It's time to get basic, if you know what I don't mean. John Travolta, Samuel Jackson, Giovanni Ribisi, CRISTIAN DE LA FUENTE! How can I give this picture only two stars you ask? Well, it's quite simple. I was bribed by a homeless man in exchange for some three-month expired Budweiser and a picture of Ringo Starr. Trust me, it was worth it. Actually that never happened, and Ringo Starr is my father. Truth be told, this movie is just an average B- flick which entices us only by its well known actors and its Enron-Paper plotline. (Shredded to bits, and thrown out a window). (By the way I just made that term up, and I think it's pretty cool). (I'll stop using parentheses now). The movie has a lot of hype, for sure, and we're all just dying to see John Travolta, honestly. My father's son shot his eyebrows off when he found out he couldn't see the movie due to a fishing trip in North Dakota. The words "John Travolta, you're a waffle sandwich" were tattooed on the back of his neck. Nonetheless, the plot was overdone. OVERDONE I SAY! It's like the director of this movie (John McTiernan) decided to cook this baby on a barbecue and run out for some deoderant in Genovese, ultimately forgetting about the movie while he made the life-altering decision between Right Guard and Arrid Extra Dry (he's a roll-on kinda guy). Nobody wants to eat the movie any more right? All we can do now is give it to our chameleon Charles. You're not going to feel like you wasted your money, but you're going to feel dissapointed. The kind of "couldn't you think of a decent ending you flame-swickling horseradishes?" dissapointment. Brace yourself. Sometimes the finer things in life leave us yonder like a fish in a bucket of nitrogen.
Definitely see this if: You're a Travolta fan. His wit does make this movie seem better than it is, and for that you'll be slapping the guy next to you, even if you're in an aisle seat.
You must avoid this if: The whole "hey look mom it's a soldier movie with a twisted plot-line" thing doesn't excite you that much. Either that or you have the words "Move out da way BIATCH" printed on your forehead.
Potato Man predicts: Is it time for some rap? Come on ya'll, just clap. Are you lost? Get a map...I don't work at the Gap, I'll just inform you that, this movie aint that phat, bottom of the 9th John Travolta's at bat, but he swings and he only hits air and my cat.
P.S. Potato Man's cat is named Joo-Jop
Bringing
down
theHouse** 1/2
Hey kids, here's a riddle. What do you get when you mix Steve Martin, Queen Latifah, Eugene Levy, the bald guy from "The Practice", Jean Smart, a fiesty little sucker who can't read, some gangs, a bulemic whore who takes a fancy to old guys, champagne, Betty White, a tae-bo fight, black jokes, white jokes, spanish jokes, gay jokes, a french bulldog named William, instant diarrhea, guns, porno magazines, some lawyer with a really bad combover, america online, did I mention black jokes?, an old stoned lady, beer, crack, parties, a young spanish casanova and the highest grossing movie from March 7th to March 9th? NO, NOT AN OVERSIZED LEPRECHAUN IN A HYUNDAI ELANTRA! You get Bringing Down the House. Hooray. To tell you the truth, I had high expectations for this flick, thought I was going to be dissapointed midway into it, but came out more satisfied than Anna Nicole Smith at a funeral home. Martin and Latifah DO make a good comedy duo, and because of that some scenes are priceless. To be honest, this is the first movie to make me laugh out loud since Austin Powers 2, and we all know where that picture went (Sweden). The racist jokes aren't exactly few and far between, but if the grass is greener on the other side of the road, then it's obvious that every cloud has a silver lining. Translated from Esparanto, that means that despite the racism, you should realize that everyone is made fun of, so if you use simple sequential math I tactics and do some cross multiplying they all cancel out and equal one. One damn funny movie. Be patient and wait for the big laughs. If you build it, they will come.
Definitely see this if: Your friend bet you that he wouldn't laugh during the entire film and his part of the bargain was to buy you a herd of cattle if he did
You must avoid this if: Racist jokes are going to piss you off more than a Pauly Shore marathon
Potato Man predicts: Well, lots of critics hated it, that can't be too good...doesn't have such a great future
***
Heehaw, Jim Carrey is god and there isn't a single force in town stopping him. Now just listen up peeps. Before you start complaining about how "Jim Carrey Bless America" doesn't sound right, lemme just tell you a little bit bout this flick. Good movie. I'm sure a lot of you took a nice vomit after Head Of State with Chris "School House" Rock because well, that movie was just plain average, maybe even a little NON-REALISTIC, but this isn't, so strap yourselves in and take away into the clouds. People are god all the time, they just don't know it. Ok, ok, I'm just pulling your leg. Animals are really god, not people. That being the case, this movie is just plain funny. To compare the two, Jim Carrey was born making dead guys laugh their cadavers off, while Chris Rock was born with a microphone in his hand and some airtime from Comedy Central. Carrey knows how to bring upon the almighty laugh (catch the pun there?), and no, it's not The Truman Show or The Majestic, you're not going to see him pretend to be serious for a couple of hours. This is Carrey at his best. He even gets his frickin dog to pee in a toilet. LETS SEE YOU DO THAT TOM HANKS, COME ON OLD MAN. The whole cast works together so well that...well...I think my face exploded after 37 minutes of it. Then Jim Carrey answered my prayer and put it back on as a monkey's. So moms, dads, sisters, uncles, mistresses, bastards, incestors, miscarriages...come on down and bring the kids because if they're teenagers they're bound to find a chuckle and if they're younger they're so stupid that they're just going to laugh at everything. But you will too. That makes you stupid. Not to end with a derogatory point, let's all come down and make Bruce Almighty the almighty picture at the box office for weeks to come. THIS GOT THREE POTATOES PEOPLE. DO I GIVE MANY THREES? NO. DEAL WITH IT.
Definitely see this if: You're a Carrey fan, or out there looking for a fun-filled comedy that'll make you pee so hard it will land in your socks.
You must avoid this if: Well, I guess you need to keep an open mind for this one. So if you're one of those closed-minded people who hate comedies and have nothing better to do than to paint their kids faces and ship them out to Taiwan...see this anyway. It's good.
Potato Man predicts: Well, it just beat Matrix Reloaded for the top box office spot. I bet it'll keep that reign for three weeks, party like a dog out in Cancun, and then retire under the beautiful Vietnamese sun.
***
Wow. May I have your attention please...Will the real Leonardo DiCaprio please stand up? This kid is foolin' everybody. I sat in the second row for this one, but it was more enjoyable than 'About Schmidt' simply because it satisfies all audiences. Even if you were just recently fired, divorced and run over by a car all in the same day, this movie is sure to give you a chuckle or two. As expected, Tom Hanks throws in an outstanding performance to go along with DiCaprio, making the picture all the more enjoyable. Ladies and Gents, Steven Spielberg has done it again, so give him credit and get down to see this flea flicker as soon as possible. Expect to see this movie reign in April come Oscar time. The verdict? Three potatoes.
Definitely see this if: You want a good laugh
You must avoid this if: You have a grudge against Leonardo DiCaprio, for some strange reason
Potato Man predicts: 2-3 Oscars for thy picture
**
Good Morning Charlie!! Hope you had your Dunkin Donuts Coffee and some buttermilk pancakes you sick, twisted, mysterious, radio-box son of a bitch. Nah, just playin', Charlie's cool. But this movie was quite the opposite, a big dissapointment from the first flick which brought the roof down like a hurricane in your mother's basement. I mean seriously, you think you can just toss Demi Moore into the blender and make everything picture perfect Drew? God, don't even tell me that it was your divorce's fault again, YOU DIDN'T DESERVE TOM GREEN. THAT MAN IS A GENIUS, YOU COULDN'T OUTPERFORM HIM IN A FISH FACTORY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Ok, enough bickering at 1:51 in the morning. Barrymore is a so-so producer, but I don't think she tried hard enough this time. And who the hell is this director, McG? Should he really be HERE directing this picture, or on the McDonald's Dollar Menu. I'm guessing the latter. My real complaint is that the whole Angels thing could be a bit more jacked up...ya know, more action-packed, bitch-slapped, ocean-mapped, meatball-crapped type of things...could possibly be pulled into the pyramid scheme. No put-downs to Cameron and Lucy of course, they always give it their best. Well, not in Ecks vs. Sever. What the hell was Lucy thinking? All thoughts aside, I don't concur that this movie was a full throttle. Let's analyze this for a second. What would you consider your average, 1/4 throttle, maybe a daily perk but not something over the ordinary? A walk in the park perhaps, maybe even a lap dance from Cher. Alright, the movie was better than this, but it's debatable if it was better than 1/2 to 3/4 of a FULL throttle. If we look at the definition, we can validate this:
throttle - n. a valve for regulating the supply of a fluid (as steam) to an engine; especially : the valve controlling the volume of vaporized fuel charge delivered to the cylinders of an internal combustion engine
Ah shit, that can't be right. My bad. Gotta look deeper for those SECOND and THIRD definitions of the same frickin word. Who designed this damn book anyway?
Well I can't seem to find a better definition, so let's just define it as a jolt, which leads to energy, which leads to excitement. Can't say I was really excited for much of the movie. They're a good trio, Barrymore, Diaz and Liu, and it sure seems like they can kick ass, but can they kick our minds? At least that happy-go-lucky Johnny Knoxville wanna-be Irish guy was a little exciting. Besides that, this movie seemed totally drowned out compared to the first one. Heck, I gave it two stars, because if I gave it one and a half stars it would be right along with Final Destination and we'd be comparing turkeys and donkeys with that move. To set aside any legal mess, we'll slap it with a two star sticker, right onto its measly spine.
A point of mention: Putting Crispin Glover in it for two and a half minutes was ridiculous and pointless. He's a good actor and his part here is no better than a pile of fire ants eating into a human hand. (It's gross, right? Well, I feel the same way here). Ooooh, now creepy thin man is a GOOD GUY! What a twist! Yuck, that reminds me of Pepsi Twist and those half-brained, half-human Osbournes advertising for it. This movie's got me spitting nickels for christ's sake. BUT it probably won't for 9-15 year old girls, the true targets of this movie in the first place. If you're over 15 you're probably just going so you can sleep with the captain of the football team, and if you're under 9 you're still stupid and you can't comprehend anything, like this review for example. So why did I see this you ask? After all, I'm 18 and I used to be a referee for youth soccer. Well, I just like movies. And quite frankly, I'm damn proud of it. VOTE FOR JERRY SPRINGER!! (Sorry, it's the Heineken).
Definitely see this if: You're 9-15 and of the female gender. Didn't I just frickin say that you pinhead? Oh, and if you're these kids' parents, you might want to go with them, unless you're a sadist...in which case you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place, stupid.
You must avoid this if: The whole "girl power!" thing is just too much for you to handle. I was one of the lucky ones, all I lost were some teeth and my sanity.
Potato Man predicts: Well, this movie got bombed by more critics than Big Bird could imagine, not just by me. The DVD will sell, of course, but don't look for this baby to be hitting the top of the charts like a new J-Lo album. And damn, she's got mad albums yo.
** 1/2
Squish, pop, snap, crackle, boing, hogie, skadooby. Yeah that's the lyrics for one of the songs I think. Well, this movie certainly wasn't going to be what I expected it to be, although I correctly predicted some genius in the crowd to clap after one of the music numbers. Speaking of music, that's more than half of this movie, so if you didn't like the Sound of Music AND you don't want to watch a broadway show on a tape, you might not like this, despite all the frickin hype it's getting. I mean, yeah, Zeta-Jones, Zellweger and Gere give pretty damn good performances, but take into account that the pattern is usually a movie coming out first and then a broadway show following it. Doing it in reverse makes you wonder why they're showing it to you on a screen. I, in particular, didn't think it was great, but young folks around the age of 15-25 will find amusement in it nonetheless. The 30-50 range will be split, and the 50+ age will love it just as much as About Schmidt. So add up the frickin equation and you get a lot of gross and an oscar candidate. And another thing...Zellweger and Zeta-Jones act in it, Zadan is the executive producer, Zoric is the orignial matte painter...WHAT THE HELL IS IT WITH ALL THESE Z'S? Not to mention the fact the 6 other people besides these clowns have Z'S IN THEIR NAMES SOMEWHERE. What zee hell was zee director thinking when he hired all zees peoples? Oh, sorry about going off on a tangent there. Oh man, this flick is going to give my movie (Gangs of New York) a hard time for best picture. As they say in Bangladesh, Oy Vey Sallie Mae.
Definitely see this if: You're a broadway fanatic
You must avoid this if: You don't want to hear singing every 5 fa-riggin seconds
Potato Man predicts: Un...dos...tres Oscars
And wants to add: Yeah that's right sucka, I speak spanish
** 1/2
Why the heck are the titles so long these days? It's more work for me. And that's not cool. But this movie was okay. Honestly, I've seen much better, but I can live with this. It's not like some game show host is holding a gun to my head or anything. Despite its low-key slow paced monotone, it kicks Kangaroo Jack in the ass because it's watchable, and we won't be banging our heads and cursing Australia after we come out of it. Game show host by day, CIA dude by night, is that great or what? Sam Rockwell does portray Chuck Barris very well, and although he doesn't keep his pants on very much, he's the guy that we're all intrigued by. Speaking of which, I was also very intrigued by George Clooney's moustache, which had a bilateral symmetry clinging to it. Nicely done George. Oh right, the women. Julia Roberts and Drew Barrymore. Some day these kids are gonna be stars. I'll bet anything on it. Good acting, good fun, and no soda left for me halfway into the movie. That's the story of my life. That all adds up to two and half potatoes ladies and gentlemen.
Definitely see this if: You're a 60's fanatic
You must avoid this if: Well, just listen to Jimmy Kimmel..."Sam Rockwell was great, but the only problem is that his ass is in the entire movie. There are no nude women." If that bothers you too much, keep your space
Potato Man predicts: This flick will be a big hit in Blockbuster, but i doubt people will be talking about it for a long time
***
A blind superhero huh? Now that's an idea Sparky. Truthfully though, this movie was pretty damn good, minus the fact that it was too short. We're all gonna give this high expectations because Affleck and Farrell are in it, and it lives up to its promise. I'd like to make a comment though. The D-D symbol that Mr. Affleck leaves, it TOTALLY looks like the Oklahoma University symbol, and if you're on crack or you don't believe me for some other personal reason, go here and see for yourself. I know it's not the same letters, but you get my point. Michael Clarke Duncan and Jennifer Garner should get special notice for this one as well, because they were both very impressive with their roles. In fact, they were so good that I recommend them to go out and have a baby right now so it can star in "Daredevil 7, No Sight And No Testicles" which is bound to be a big hit because I said so. On a serious note, this is actually one hell of a picture. And you'll be reminded of hell the whole time because the color red dominates the frickin movie. Affleck's costume, boxing gloves, Farrell's bullseye, some blood that squirts out of Affleck's left chest area, you name it, red stains it. But forget about that. If you've got ninety minutes to spare, a night to kill with the wife and some chump change left over from the drugs you just sold to some innocent kids from Phoenix, give this movie your heart and watch the damn thing. Then steal the heart back and run away as fast as you can. Ditto.
Definitely see this if: Alright I'll say it...IF YOU LIKED SPIDERMAN...jesus what else could I say?
You must avoid this if: You think the whole schmoogieboog started in a comic book and should stay in a comic book...that or Colin Farrell's forehead bullseye makes you spit lead.
Potato Man predicts: It'll bring in the bucks, due to numchucks, Affleck in a tux, and a violent influx. Wooo doggy, I just can't stop the rhymes, they're singin like chimes, no lemons just limes, trunk full a' nickels or half full of dimes?
*
Remarkable. Ravishing. Incredible. Breathtaking. Extraordinary. This 134 minute piece of shit couldn't touch these five adjectives with an 18,765 foot pole. I mean, YUCK. You know when you wake up in the morning...you expect to have a good breakfast, so you open up the fridge and chug down some kickass 1% Parmalat milk...except the milk is seven weeks sour, full of chunks and more grotesque than a bald man rubbing liquor on his head in the middle of Santo Domingo for twenty consecutive years with a monkey named Scoopy? Well, this was kinda like that, except I wasted $8.50 and I didn't even get a god damn monkey for it. How can you take such good talent like Morgan Freeman, Jason Lee, Timothy Olyphant, Thomas Jane (Mickey Mantle from 61*) and a critically acclaimed novel by Stephen King and make it into a worthless lump of hoo-haa you ask? I don't know, try asking soon-to-be suicidal director Lawrence Kasdan. To be honest, it seemed decent at first, but after that it's just an incoherent, bloody mess, and by the end of this you'll be begging the ushers to let you into "Piglet's Big Movie." I know I was. Oh, and a big congratulations to "Final Destination" for moving off of the bottom of the barrel after this embarassment takes its place. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? PAR-TAY!! Come on ya'll, party at Final Destination's house. But you're buying the beer F-D. It's YOUR party, so YOU supply the frickin goods for heaven's sake. WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, YOUR SLAVE??
Definitely see this if: You're suicidal. This just might change your mind. Alas, there is something in this world more pathetic than your cowardly ass.
You must avoid this if: You're a human. (And not suicidal, naturally).
Potato Man predicts: Potato man predicts that Stephan King will rip his face off if he ever sees this...so somebody take the liberty to lock this guy in his basement for a few weeks, hopefully avoiding arrest...oops, too late.
* 1/2
Dear god, there's more blood in this movie than there was at Count Dracula's 16th birthday party. Damn, you know you liked my gift Drac. You wouldn't go outside for days, you thought that thing was the shiznit. Anyhoo, back to "Hopefully the" Final Destination 2. Ali Larter and some no-named crackheads did a pretty decent job at best, in the first movie I'm rating lower than two potatoes this year. The deaths were clever, the blood was gooey, and the Aunt Jemima pancakes were mildly antagonizing (thanks Jesus), but all in all, the ending SUCKED. And for those of you who hate that word, you won't believe how much the SUCKY film directors and the SUCKY screen writers and the Executive SUCKY Producer f$c#&! up the ending to this SUCKY movie. It will probably keep most entertained, and make some laugh if they're the type that keep dreadful stand-up comedians in business, but overall it won't satisfy the more-than-average movie go-er who is looking for something just a LITTLE MORE exciting than they expected to see on a Friday night in Chiselchurn, Montana. And Ali Larter, why the hell are your teeth so god damn big. I wasn't sure if I should've sat there and watched you or thrown acorns at you. Oh yeah, and A.J. Cook, please tell your parents to make sure which gender their child is going to be before they name it next time. God help us that they have a boy and they name him Brittany. Jesus Christ I have to criticize these sorry-ass actresses because the 2nd half of this movie was so pitiful. And shut up Ali, I know you were in House on Haunted Hill too. Just for the record, that movie was less enticing than a large pile of hamster shit. You're lucky I even gave this 1.5 potatoes. That's like 6 or 7 french fries for heaven sakes.
Definitely see this if: You're into the whole "YEAH MOM! BLOOD JUST SPLATTERED EVERYWHERE! LET'S GO GET MCDONALDS!" types. Go see it, dumb dumb.
You must avoid this if: You have $8.50 and you intend to spend it on birdseed...yeah, go buy the birdseed instead
Potato Man Predicts: You're more likely to see Al Gore win a gold medal for pole vaulting than see this win an Oscar
*** 1/2
Damn what a good movie. Those 3.5 stars are there for a reason folks. This movie kicks more ass than a lonely coyote on a pineapple farm. I never even heard of this Daniel Day-Lewis guy before this film, but I doubt I'll ever forget it after this performance. And be prepared for a long movie. I formed a deep crater in my chair by the end of the movie, it was almost like looking at the moon, except for the fact that the moon isn't red, has no carpeting and doesn't cost 50 bucks a pop. But both the chair and I were satisfied after the credits rolled down, because I saw a kickass film and he was all hyped up about another person sitting down on him. That being said, Gangs of New York is my pick for best picture of the year, assuming that Kangaroo Jack isn't better (you never know, that hopping son of a bitch has some spunk in him). Wow, was John C. Reilly in this movie too? For god sakes John, HOW MANY CAN YOU BE IN? Take a break, spend some time with the wife and kids. Take em' to Chicago. In fact, take them to SEE Chicago IN Chicago. I'm gonna keep writing because this was a good movie. Whether or not you're a history buff or not, the plotline is going to excite you, even if you're 83. That's right, this film is great for all ages above 15. For the rest of you, the hardcore sex scenes and a vast amound of blood will keep you home watching Barney. Oh, and Martin Scorcese is a frickin genius. This guy could direct a German Shepherd through Korea safely. Yeeeha! Gangs of New York for president 2004!
Definitely see this if: You want some action and violence mixed with a terrific plotline and some oscar-worthy performances.
You must avoid this if: You need to attend a funeral for a close friend or family member. That's the only valid excuse you can use.
Potato Man says: We're lookin' at 4 oscars baby!
**
Cool! Chris Rock is running for president! Folks, we all know that there's a better chance of hell freezing over and buying heaven a Chevy Tahoe for its birthday, but don't let that make this movie unenjoyable to you...cough cough, HALLIE YEHUDA ZWIBEL...cough cough. Yeah go read about that punk at "The Procrastinator." That story may be there forever. Anyhoo, back to the far-fetched movie with very little plotline. While the latter may be true, the jokes do come...YA HEAR THAT LARRY? JOKES! Jokes that will make the whole family laugh, even little Miranda. And yes, there's a good chance that most of the audience will be a...certain race...but I'm white, jewish, and in Arista, so don't go telling me that the cow can't jump over the moon, or the moon doesn't have a man in it...did ya'll see that movie with Andy Kaufman or hear the R.E.M. song? There's your proof. Seriously, if you're looking for a good time on a friday/saturday night, you don't want to think too hard, and you're lookin' to chuckle...get yo ass down to the theater and give this movie a chance. Hey, that just gave me an idea. Yes!
35 minutes into the movie...
Sam: Yo Todd, you grinnin'?
Todd: Oh you know I'm grinnin. Beth?
Beth: I'm grinnin' like Sue Simmons. Want some linen?
Sam: I don't need that shiat biatch, cuz I'm soooo grinnin'. I might be sinnin'.
Todd: Yo hobo you grinnin'?
Hobo: YOU KNOW I'M GRINNIN', IF I FOUGHT YOUR ASS I'D BE WINNIN'.
Johansen: Hey guys. I'm grinning!
Sam: Oh, you are SO NOT GRINNIN'.
Beth: Are you RETARDED YOU STUPID ASSHOLE? You CAN'T be grinnin'.
Todd: For christ sakes, YOU ARE SO NOT GRINNIN' JOHANSEN.
Johansen: Leave me alone! Stop copying that commercial you simpletons!
On a similar note...Chris Rock, Bernie Mac...good comedy duo. Heck, even Roger Ebert liked this flick...and no, I'm not linking you to his site because: 1) You can find it yourself, and 2) I'm better. A little note people. Don't get to the theater late. It's never fun when you have to use dynamite to blow up old people so you can get to your seat in the middle of the frickin row. Trust me from prior experiences. It aint no picnic.
Definitely see this if: Like Bringing Down The House, you want to see a flick that'll make you laugh, even if the plot doesn't satisfy you Marvin.
You must avoid this if: Well, what can I say. YOU WANT A REALISTIC PLOT. ARE YOU HAPPY HALLIE? YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED YOU PSYCHO.
Potato Man predicts: Eh, it could happen in 75 years. Let's all sit down and eat potato chips until it does.
***
Oh boy. Move out of the way Spiderman, go amuse yourself at a cheesecake factory. We've got a new weirdo in town. He's mean, green, stronger than any machine, hardly unseen and not played by Charlie Sheen (thank god). But the real question is, did he give us, the folks, a good performance? Let's ask big-time director Ang Lee. You may remember him from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, a film in which, somehow, all Asian people know how to fly and do karate like their lives depended on it...men, women and children alike. Big dissapointment in my opinion. Where are all the tigers and dragons Ang? Anyhoo, let's get back to the point. I want to ask Ang Lee if his man, Eric Bana, gave us a good performance:
Me: Good morning Mr. Lee, and thank you for spending your time with us instead of going out and watching a porno like everyone else would.
Ang Lee: No Problem.
Me: So Ang. Eric Bana, the Hulk guy, good performance?
Ang Lee: Yes.
And there you have it folks, he did. Wow, the powerful words of Ang Lee have spoken again. It's like he knows exactly what to say, when to say it, and why he has to say it. If there was a time and place for everything, I'd say it would be Ang Lee, and not college. Speaking of Jennifer Connolly, I'd have to give her a thumbs down. She is literally the most lifeless actress I've ever seen in my life. There are even actresses in Sweden who are better than her. Her and Bana are a nice duo though, and they play their parts accordingly, but I think this film needed something more. So you're asking me why I gave it three stars aren't you? Overall I really enjoyed it, everything seemed to come together like a jigsaw puzzle in a fat kid's bedroom. But I still can't help feeling sorry for two things, it really bothered me:
1) Nick Nolte. Did he get run over by a tractor, doused with liquid nitrogen, hurled down a chimney and set on fire at a Smashing Pumpkins concert before he started filming for this movie? Yikes. I remember his good days, long ago. Remember Blue Chips? Yeah, I do. We could all tell from there that Shaq was a horrific actor, let alone free throw shooter. But I can see why Ang Lee chose this circus freak for the part. They needed a wacko. Not bad Nick, you're still churning the butter despite all the dead cows.
2) The fact that Hulk can't play hide-and-seek, and many other children's games, any more. Honestly, you loved hide and seek when you were a kid, and you still do. Even if you can't walk any more, I bet you watch it on tv. Well, this guy can't play it any more, so shed a tear. I doubt he'd also manage to go horseback riding ever again. THAT, among other things, is a pity. A shitty pity.
I've already admitted to giving it three stars, and I don't have a Spiderman review up here. So, did it beat Spiderman? In my opinion, yes. I suspect that their sequels might change that tally, we'll just have to wait and see. I also gave Daredevil three stars and it was similar to this movie in some aspects, although this one grossed a lot more at the box office. I'm going to have to see some future work from Eric Bana to fully determine how good an actor he really is. He could be a synchronized swimmer for all we know. Where did Ang find this guy? Better yet, where did God find Ang Lee?
Definitely see this if: You're a fan of the comics, and Spiderman/Daredevil entertained you somewhat. I'm going to warn you now, don't expect a ton of action. If you really want the full effect, spray paint your face green and run around fondling all of the ushers. Got me on tv, what can it do for you? (kidding, stupid)
You must avoid this if: The Jolly Green Giant and/or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles scare the skin off your leg. No, seriously, you'll really like this movie if you're under 50 and you let your imagination run wild. But if you're not into science-fiction at all, stay clear Johnny.
Potato Man predicts: Oh heck, it's brought in a ton of cash already, we all know big-hyped blockbusters like these are going to kill, literally. Go out and get the DVD when it comes out. It's sure to have amazing extras, and swashbuckling outtakes.
** 1/2
Free your mind. How bout that eh? Another sequel scorches the box office as Neo, Trinity and all the other schmendricks are back and better than ever. Are they really though? How can we tell? Free your mind. To be truthful, I did enjoy this snicker-flicker more than the first one, particularly because of the action packed scenes which got me so hyped I was ripping the stuffing out of my theater chair. But then it got me thinking. The matrix had to be reloaded...that's weird isn't it? Is the matrix a gun? Is it a U-Haul truck, perhaps even a refridgerator? Free your mind. Hey what a treat, we get to meet the designer of the matrix this time, Colonel Sanders. (Come on, is it me or did that guy put the word "chicken" all over your forehead). Bad move. You gotta save that guy for the third one. Revolutions. Another schmacker of a name. The whole trilogy has been quite a surpirse (or the first 2/3 of it anyway), but I have to give this only 2.5 potatoes because this wasn't electrifying. It was certainly good enough to make a good turnout, and the plot thickens to a point where we're all wondering what's gonna happen next like some half-ridden hyenas from Chinatown, but it just quite doesn't pop the balloon like some other movies I've seen lately. In the sequel war, X2 definitely beats this, as you can see from my star rating. It will be interesting to see how Matrix Reloaded handles the pressure of the upcoming sequels sure to explode box offices their opening weekends, Charlies Angels 2, Terminator 3, and the third Lord Of The Rings just being a few of them. With some spiritual training and some yoga, I'm sure that the Matrix can fight off its contenders, but with great power comes great responsibility, and grass grows greener on the other side of the road, so get that small package and hope it's a good thing. Oh, one last thing. FREE PARKING.
Definitely see this if: You fell in love with the first one, or your husband's mother's cousin. Hopefully both would have happened prior to your movie-going experience.
You must avoid this if: You don't like science fiction, Keanu Reeves, or plain good fun. That's right, you're not a fun guy. You're a shrub.
Potato Man says: It would be dumb to say that this movie wouldn't do anything less than tear up box office sales like a bad Enron document. When a movie sells out large theaters in consecutive weekends, you know it's somethin'.
** 1/2
All the fun of college, none of the education, and Will Ferrell running naked along the street with the intentions of a wild donkey. Truth be told, I came into this movie thinking it was going to be less than average, because it looked like one of those "Stealing Harvard" types ya know? But then I considered two things. One, Tom "Bacon-Head" Green isn't in it and two, I've got $8.50 to just flush down the toilet. Sparing my bathroom the dirty mess, I brought my dough down to the theater, got me a ticket and some nachos and strapped myself in for some harty tardy fresh and lardy fun. Wilson, Ferell and Vaughn make a very interesting trio, and there are some great moments that'll make you laugh so hard that your tongue will explode. I repeat, your tongue will explode. Mine did, and then it moved to Canada. Nonetheless, this was a "far from lackluster" comedy and because of its crude and funny nature I'm gonna give dis sucker 2.5 potatoes. A few scenes to look out for are the Ferrell Floor Exercise and the Ferrell Pool Scene. Although they're pretty hard to miss, you just might have to give a call to the stall in the middle of the movie, so I recommend that you either: 1)Go before the movie, or 2)Hold it in accordingly, it's a win-win situation. You get to see the funny scenes AND you can express your mirth by just peeing all over the damn theater, for all I care. A special shoutout goes to the lady in this picture who was most certainly a Renee Zellweger/Meg Ryan test tube experiment gone wrong. She just might make it some day. Challah.
Definitely see this if: You're geared for some extreme wackiness...ya know, watching three old dudes start a fraternity while handling their not-so-complex lives at the same time and using a balanced scale of funnyness and stupididy to achieve their ultimate karma of a good movie and lots of popcorn for the young'ins.
You must avoid this if: You're older than 40, and the murder mystery type. Although if you'd like to see a mystery, see this flick and wonder what's going on inside of Will Ferrel's mind. Be my guest Lydia.
Potato Man Predicts: I'd say that the fat guy is around 350-400 pounds. If I was on the Price Is Right and I was forced to cough out an answer at you, I'd go with 380. (That's what I predicted, moron)
*** 1/2
Step right up kiddies, right into the phone booth here. Free candy, nitric acid and calls from snipers who have a grudge against you for BEING THE LOW-LIFE BASTARDS YOU REALLY ARE. YOU HEAR THAT KIDS? HE'S GOING TO SHOOT YOUR EARS OFF! I hope I didn't give too much of the movie away, but yes, Colin Farrell's ear does get shot off and he eats it with a spork...naturally. Anyhoo, let's get to the point about why I gave this spladoogie three and a half stars (spladoogie not necessarily being a bad word). For one, it'll keep you entertained. I saw it in a big theater and two people breaking each others necks in the back of it, but that didn't pump up the excitement cells in my brain like this movie did. I mean, yeah, the location manager didn't really have to break his back for this one, much less get his or her lazy ass in a taxi and over to Manhattan's porno district. But despite that, Farrell is a gem, and Kiefer Sutherland's voice was more chilling than a Slurpee in Antarctica...enough to keep you at the edge of your seat and wish that dinosaurs never existed. It's a short flick, but you'll love every moment of it. You'll have one main question grabbing at your throat the whole movie. I know it grabbed mine, and it's likely to grab yours as well. Was Kiefer Sutherland smart enough to use 10-10-220, which saves you money by charging you 99 cents on all calls up to 20 minutes? Sure, the call lasted longer than that, but Farrell hung up once, so if Kiefer used it again, he not only got inside of Colin Farrel's head and played him like a Bongo Drum, but he also saved himself a pile of nickels. Now when he goes home, his wife, children, and sniper gun can all sit around the table and eat in peace, knowing that they saved themselves the money they earned from their non-existant jobs. Amen.
Definitely see this if: You're in for thrills, chills, and soda spills. Trust me, you're bound to kick it over at least once.
You must avoid this if: Well, what can I say? Avoid this if you hate good action, or Colin Farrell. Was it his naked scene in "Hart's War" that bothered you Victor? And that's not just addressed to Victor, that's for all of you out there who want to avoid this movie.
Potato Man says: This is some hot shit yo! People will be talking about it for a while.
*** 1/2
ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHH!! Ahoy matey, welcome aboard the Black Pearl. Don't get confused like most people do. It's a ship, not a Seafood restaurant in Tokyo. Boy, did I go out of my way for that one. But then I saw this movie and it made me feel tons better. Why? Well, a great performance by Johnny Depp, high-paced crackin' action on the high seas and a midget named Smibbles are just a few of the reasons I can give you for now. (Ok, I lied about one of them). This has to rank among Johnny Depp's best performances ever, as the daring, swashbuckling Captain Jack Sparrow. He's the real deal in this one folks. And he does it with a ton of Mascara on too. Geoffrey Rush, heck he's also fun to watch. But he spells his name like the Toys R' Us giraffe, and that's rather peculiar on his parents' part. If the two had a battle it would be silver screen magic. Hey Jerry Bruckheimer, I just won you a Best Picture oscar with that idea. 'IN THE YEAR 2023, GEOFFREY RUSH, IF NOT DEAD, LOSES HIS SANITY IN CALIFORNIA AND RAGES AN ALL OUT WAR AGAINST HIS COUNTERPART STUFFED ANIMAL FROM AMERICA'S FAVORITE TOY STORE. THE LOCATION, ANTARCTICA. THE PRIZE, A GOLF CART. THE STAKES, HIGH. THE FASTBALL, LOW AND INSIDE. THERE'S ROOM FOR ONLY ONE GEOFFREY IN THIS TOWN FOLKS. COMING IN SEPTEMBER, 2023......BANANA SANDWICH. RATED R.' Ok, enough of my rambling. Rush was also great, even though he wasn't there 75% of the time (you'll figure that one out). And what movie can be called Pirates Of The Caribbean, The Curse of The Black Pearl, without the likes of Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly? You guessed it. 39. They're all in New Zealand. I guess you can call these two the Parmesan Cheese of the piritian pizza. Sometimes you just gotta sprinkle it on for some extra kick. I highly recommend you wake up little Fitzpatrick and grab Grandpa by the collarbone to bring the whole family down to this movie. It has the same punch in the ass feeling that Gangs of New York gives you, and Johnny Depp to go with it. Two hours of pure enjoyment. So yes, so far this is one of the best pictures of the year, in my opinion (and hundreds of critics as well), but DON'T even mention academy awards yet, they're billions of milliseconds away. And DON'T go wait an hour and a half for the stupid ride in DisneyWorld just because you saw this movie. Believe me, there's nothing more aggrivating than being shoved in a wanna-be canoe for 15 minutes just hearing ridiculous sound effects I could've created myself with an accordion and some of Meryl Streep's saliva. Yuck. But the movie's good. And I also give praise to this movie for taking people on a two hour magical adventure without having them use marijuana or LSD. Is it me, or have I been giving every review more than 2 stars lately? That won't change much with T3 and Seabiscuit reviews coming down the toilet drain in a bit. Gotta love that damn horse. Gotta love him.
Definitely see this if: You love fantasy/adventure movies and a good dose of Johnny Depp. Or if you're a Geoffey Rush fan. But what the hell did you see him in to make you a fan? QUILLS?! That was actually a good movie, I just don't think people got of their fat asses to see it. Neither did I though, and I'm not fat.
You must avoid this if: Well, some close family/friends said it was "just plain silly." Oh come on guys, where's the young demon inside of you? Waiting to get out and do a little dance number? On a serious note, if you're into heavy dramas or murder mysteries, you might not enjoy this as much as I did. You might get stuck walking your OWN plank in self-disgust.
Potato Man Predicts: Oh it's going to be very attractive, to all crowds, so of course it isn't going to fail in the box office. However, I do predict the ride will fall in a good 4 or 5 years after people start bombing the outside of it with bird shit and egg yolk.
***
"GO BISCUIT GO! GO BISCUIT GO! GO BISCUIT GO!," Roger Faloopy shouted, as he shoved the breaded sustenance down his throat at the local McDonalds for his early Sunday morning breakfast. The food wasn't going down that day, so he decided to motivate it. All the customers and even the workers were cheering him on, stopping at no cost to do so...cell phones, thunderstorms, apocolypses and all. "But what about the horse, you're supposed to talk about him aren't you?" asked little Timmy Timmerson. Jeepers Timmy, you're right. Now go run home to your mother before you shit your pants!
God knows why they named the horse Seabiscuit. In fact, I'm still wondering. I guess you have some biscuits destined to end up in McDonalds...and in Roger Faloopy's infested throat...and some that are born for the water, ready to adventure out on the seven seas at the risk of their measly, crumby lives. (Get that one?). Anyhoo, let's talk about that horse. This guy ain't no Mr. Ed folks. Not just because he doesn't talk, but because he's one hell of a racer. But first, I think we oughta talk about some of his human friends. London's bridges may be fallin' down, but Mrs. Bridges' son Jeff sure as hell isn't. I haven't really taken a fancy to a lot of his other movies, but he did a heck of a job here, and I don't think Seabiscuit would be what it was, the movie I mean, without this guy. Then of course we've got Tobey. Or should I say RED POLLARD? You tell me. Hey, what a cowinkydink, he was red in Spiderman too. You might not remember why, but in one scene he was TOTALLY blushing right in front of his grandmother, the producers obviously wanted to make a big statement there. Well, he may as well just be blushing at the Oscars come April because he's in a shot for the money. Wouldn't it be interesting though if these two were both nominated for Best Actor? Well that would certainly add a whole load of cactus to the Mexican whorehouse wouldn't it? Speaking of Mexico, I was proud of McGuire for his job in this film. Usually he's just another pipsqueak people talk about when they're running from pigeons, but here he showed determination, guts, glory, passion, enthusiasm and that his voice raises higher than 10 decibels. Ah...of course. These two stars certainly weren't alone for this one, as they made like gangstas and starting hanging with Mr. Cooper. Noooooo. Not Cooper Union, stupid!! (Tobey never went to college, as for Jeff, I searched Google for 15 minutes and it's come up emptier than a Tupperware container at Roseanne's birthday party). I mean Chris Cooper! Best Supporting Actor for his role in Adaptation, if you've forgotten his name already. Honestly, I like the guy. His role was strong, as predicted, but something's bothering me. In Adaptation, he was a flower hunter. Here, he's a horse trainer. But I KNOW that this guy is capable of something exciting. I mean, come on people, lets throw this guy into a black hole and make something happen!
Oh don't worry Seabiscuit, or Actor Of Seabiscuit, I haven't forgotten you. This horse, he's got a lot of heart man. The fact that he's a fiesty underdog who wasn't going to be given a chance is going to draw a lot of people into this movie. It's going to make them watch closer. It's going to make them think, "Gee whiz, if I ever buy a horse, I oughta pick one out like this one, and not just cuz he'll win me money and shit." I actually watched a documentary of the real Seabiscuit, probably on the History Channel but who the hell knows, it could be Nickalodeon for all I know. Anyhoo, the movie is SO MUCH alike, you'd never believe it. Props and mad high-5's to the producers and the all those other people who are responsible for keeping the storyline intact. This movie is just so good, and so well portrayed, I don't think there is a soul on earth who wouldn't like it. Ah shit, what the hell am I supposed to write now for "Definitely avoid this if:" Well, I guess you'll have to find out in a few seconds, unless you're already dead. That would have been a great ending line, but this is an oscar contender, so I'll say a little more. Look people, when you get the chance, bring the whole family down to see this. I'm not holding a gun to your head or anything, but you might as well have nightmares of me doing so, DESPITE the fact that: a) you don't know what I look like, possibly, or b) you don't live on Elm Street...ha ha, heh heh heh, IF you miss this movie. So why 3 stars and not four? Well, the sequencing was a bit off. Some events had more importance than others, and were a little misleading, but heck, I can't pulverize it just because of that. It's still a charmer. Great, what can I use for an ending line now?
Definitely see this if: You love great movies, or you're a big animal lover. Truth be told, I like horses, and this one surely won't let you down, even though he's an actor. Just pretend he isn't.
You must avoid this if: You're dead.
*How's My "You must avoid this if" ing?*
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Potato Man Predicts: Is it too early to start predicting Oscars? Nah. I'd safely go with four Oscars on this one, with about six or seven nominations. As we all know, the Academy has employed the use of Affirmative Action in the barnhouse over the last few years. And everybody loves this horse, either by voluntary action or after a whipping. Just don't miss this one people. Even though that last sentence wasn't a prediction and belonged in the main paragraph, but kudos to MYSELF for seeing that. Adios Muchachos.
** 1/2
Ka cha! Ka plah! Wooooo ah! Jackie Chan is at it again folks, and this time he's a frickin cowboy. Oh, Owen Wilson's back too, and his nose is looking more crooked than ever. That being said, Shanghai Knights is a fairly good movie. The first half hour was slow and ragged, but thank god it picked up after that, because my soda tasted like seltzer and I was ready to start a revolt on those soda-filling asses. Yeah, Douglaston doesn't have cup holders, non-malodorous nacho cheese AND decent tasting cherry coke. So as I write this review I thank the lord for making the movie good. But why doesn't it get three stars you ask? Well, it just didn't have that "rush houry piss the pants cuz you laughed in a trance" feeling. Sure it was humorous, I'll give you that much David Dobkin. (He's the director, don't tell anyone). Yet, I was sitting there most of the time hoping for a joke to come while most of the time I was left with two little mini figures left on each shoulder. On the left shoulder an angel was saying "laughing is good for your soul you freak. So do it" and on my right shoulder the devil said "torch the screen and play geography with everyone in the theater." SPEAKING of people in the theater, there were a lot of kids there, so grab Timmy by the ankle and drag him down to see this. Under 15 will probably like it because they laugh at anything, the 16-30 range will be split, and anything above that will most likely find it humorous. Speaking of humorous, Rob got nailed by the Douglaston Plaza security team for taking a flag down from a big pile of snow. It was weird man. Read about it at The Procrastinator. All I can say is that this movie had to get 2 and a half potatoes because of that.
Definitely see this if: You enjoyed Rush Hour
You must avoid this if: Owen Wilson annoys the hell out of you...because let me tell ya, he does it to a lot of people
Potato Man Predicts: Good show, but no dough...this flick is safely headed to Blockbuster.
***
He kept his promise everybody. He's back. He's a little older this time, but don't let that hamper your movie going experience. In what might be the best sequel this summer (its potato rating tied X2's), the Terminator trilogy has a fitting end, letting us know we can all go home happy. But don't tell Kristanna Loken that. She's the new lean, mean, robo-machine and she makes a major statement with her tight, lavender clothing. That statement could either be: 1) "Look, these clothes are tight. I'm a rebel." or 2) "I'm going to suffocate all of you to death like my clothing is doing to me right now." You decide which one suits your thoughts better. She was good though, being a badass and all. And her counterpart, Mr. Schwarzenegger, well, his accent was also top notch. Not everybody can talk like that you know. That's a talent. Oh yeah, there's also that Nick Stahl guy. Haven't seem him around in too many flicks. What is he stahling for? Go out there and make your mother proud Nicky. On the other hand, this is just another skateboarding accident in the park for Claire Danes. And what a variety of roles she can play huh? Now she's a veterinarian, next movie she can be a bouncer, the one after that a trapeze artist perhaps. Who knows? It's the magic of these 4 characters that brings together a supersonic adventure that we're all just dying to cough about. Oh, jiminy crickets, I forgot some of the most important characters yet! Zee machines! Yep, they're rising folks, and it aint from a toaster. I mean, to be technical, they're not really rising from anything, except inanimity maybe. And what's the deal with all these people hating these things? They're the shiznit man. If I had one of those things I'd blow up my friend Harris' house. But all these people in the movie are screaming and running for their frickin lives. Don't fight THEM. Use them to fight each other! (This is why I'm not a movie director. For more evidence, check my Pirates review). Ok...I just had another great idea. This one would bring in millions also:
'He was an art teacher from Paraguay. She was a trapeze artist played by Claire Danes, but her part in this movie sucks, so lets just talk about him. Carlos MaCankers had been fighting a longtime personal battle, and now it was time for him to defeat it. It was him against 400 years of proven theory, but if you think about it, that's only 1,262,304,000 seconds, so he decided to put his life on the line for absolutely no reason. With a pen, a paper, and some marijuana, the stage was set, and the journey was endless, literally. Coming in July of 2081, a Ben Affleck Jr. Production, in accordance with Pope John Paul the 23rd Films...TERMINATOR 4: THE END OF THE REPEATING DECIMAL. Rated R. Get Barbara to watch the kids again."
That would make a KILLING wouldn't it? And Carlos is an art teacher, raising all the more questions about why he was so passionate about mathematics. Well, one thing is for sure. The real movie is sure to make a killing. We all love Arnold, we love his acting, his career, his glasses, his wife, his babysitter, his furniture, his barbeque grill, his backyard patio, the Scott's Turf Builder he uses on his lawn, his Tough Actin' Tinactin prescription, the DVD collection in his house, and so forth. You get the picture. If you haven't seen it yet, do Jonathan Moslow a favor and get down there. The only group I'd really exclude is under 14. And 13 too if they haven't had their Bar Mitzvahs yet. So as I finish up this review, I have one last thing to say to you. Mr. reader, you are officially TERMINATED! No really, you are. Get out of my face already, I'm killing my eyesight writing this thing.
Definitely see this if: Oh baby, if you loved the first two, cuz this one's even better. And don't worry Terminator fans, James Cameron didn't put any icebergs in this one. He still knows how to rock.
You must avoid this if: I guess if you don't like action movies this one isn't for you, but most of you reading this are, so I don't know what to say. Ah, there's a good movie to compare this to actually, and it should help your decision. If you've ever seen Terminator 2, it was like this one. If you haven't seen that one, go watch "Spaceballs." I support all movies that parodize any other. That would also include "Not Another Teen Movie", "Scary Movie", "Scary Movie 2"...well that's about it.
Potato Man predicts: This summer has just been filled with good movies. This one should hold a top 5 spot for a while, land in a good 100 million if it's lucky, and call it quits in time for dinner. I suppose its watch is synchronized, in fact I hope it is. HEY, DID ANYBODY TELL TERMINATOR 3 WHAT TIME DINNER WAS? HEY, I'M TALKING TO ALL OF YOU!! STOP WATCHING PORN YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING SON! WHY DON'T YOU MAKE SOMETHING OF YOUR LIFE, HUH? PEOPLE ARE OUT THERE WORKING AT SUBWAY DAY AND NIGHT, AND YOU'RE IN HERE DOING NOTHING!! AND DOSH GARN IT, YOU'RE NOT EVEN MY SON!!
** 1/2
Hey, it's creepy thin man! (Charlie's Angels reference). Wow, where do I begin? Should I commence with the charasmatic Socrates, the power-hungry Ben, maybe even the 150 year old wicked witch wanna-be that calls herself Mrs. Stiles? Aw heck, let's talk about Crispin. He was certainly a good pick for this role, mainly because of his appearance, which, in itself, is creepy enough. But then there are RATS thrown in. Little suckers that'll eat through anything just for the heck of it. I particularly liked one that didn't get mentioned in the credits, Yakov Horowitz. Besides being the only Jewish rat in this movie, Yakov was critically accalimed for his role in "She's All Rat" and his cameo appearance in "Big Rat Liar." You can read more about Yakov Horowitz at www.Imjustkiddingmoron.com. Anyhoo, real rats, animated rats and computer generated rats alike, this film did portray a very irRATional character who was full of wRATh very pRAcTically. And if you're going to get on back about the last word not having all three letters in a row, do yourself a favor and drive a car into yourself now. After doing that, tell all your friends that Willard will be considerably uninteresting to the under 16 age range, favorable among the 16-30 age range, split among adults and greatly detested by seniors. And that will probably be true for every single person in the world, because I said so.
Definitely see this if: You want some soft-touch horror without all the gooey stuff
You must avoid this if: Like Jessica Sprague, little rodents just annoy the hell out of you, and give you the willies
Potato Man Predicts: Could top the weekend gross, but, as most remakes are (Psycho), will probably be forgotton soon enough
***
The summer blockbusters have begun people. And it's all because of these creepy mutant things. I gotta tell ya people, usually sequels give me the willies, but I was quickly reassured by all the hype by the fast-paced quick-wit slamma-jamma bing-bang William Chang action and the top-notch conditioning of Halle Berry's yellow hair. But putting all of that aside, this is an entertaining movie. I didn't quite think it lived up to it's younger brother, which came out in 2000, but it got me kickin' for cranberries as soon as 20 minutes into the feature, and that's a good thing. Being born in a Toledo farm ranch, I can tell ya'll all about kicking cranberries, but I'll spare you the 7-10 split and let you read on in this enticing review. If I had to complain about this movie at all, it would be its lack of characters. DeathStrike isn't even in that many parts, and she's cool because she's got that metal shit in her fingers like Wolverine does. I also found fault in bringing all of them "together" like friends because it ruins the storyline for me. If you didn't remember too long ago, Austin Powers 3 brought Dr. Evil and Austin together at the end and made Scott the bad guy (oh shut up I'm not ruining it for anybody, they all saw it), and inside my brain I was thinking "ugh, WHY? Not only did I not take the trash out yet, but I also have to worry about the most humorous arch enemies joining forces." IT'S WEAK PEOPLE...like 75 cent hair spray that hobos sell you on the street. Nonetheless, this movie is sure to satisfy those young'ns up to 40 years of age. Heck, even mid-life crisisees and seniors will love it too. And why not? Ian McKellan is an enjoyable guy, and old. Tissues anybody?
Definitely see this if: You liked the first one, are a Marvel fanatic, and/or just wanna have a hell of a time with some friends from town, WITHOUT having to beat them in a Counterstrike so everybody benefits.
You must avoid this if: Well, what can I say. To quote Rogert Ebert, this movie was "dumb, but good." 80% will find it good, but the other 20 will think the latter. If you are one of those people, you have two choices. 1) Don't see this movie. 2) Perform a major operation on Roger Ebert which ultimately causes him to reverse every single thought in his mind. I recommend #2.
Potato Man Predicts: Usually you can tell about the future of a movie from its hype. The movie is going to be a smackwacker, and the DVD will make record sales.