“Buy Dave Thomas a cake, even though he’s dead”
--Robby Kornblum






“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines”
--Steven Wright






“Don’t ever mess with a piece of cheese with an attitude”
--The last line of “The Scarlet Cheddar”






"When you come to a fork in the road ... Take it."
--Yogi Berra






"You know why Chicago is so windy? It's because
Indiana sucks and Missouri blows"
--Lewis Black






“Black holes are where God divided by zero”
--Steven Wright






"I don't think Ronald Reagen does anything now but gurgle"
--James Uldrych






"Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do"
--Hallie Zwibel, teaching us the finer things in life






"All lazy idiots deserve a second chance"
--That's me, and yes, I'm back again






"If a sound falls in a forest, does it make a tree?"
--An anonymous hobo






"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle






"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown
who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has
severe diarrhea."
--Jack Handy






"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over
the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny
like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey






"Say no to drugs. Say YES to chopping down trees."
--Tom Green






"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
--Rodney Dangerfield