You’re off, watching cartoons,
Dad stays out drinking booze,
Mom says she’s wiping shoes,
But she fooled me,
She fooled your ass too.

One mile an hour his truck goes…
He’s at your house again,
Slick pair of cargo shorts and,
His Botox™-drawn smile…

…gives her a package,
She takes it,
He thinks she’s turned on,
She fakes it,
Delivery’s on time,
He made it,
I’m sorry kid, but once in a while…

Your mommy screws the Fed-Ex man,
Your mommy screws the Fed-Ex…
(His name is Dan)
Your mommy screws the Fed-Ex man.

Wonder how the smile gets on,
your mother’s face?
I hate to say it, but she wasn’t
watching Will and Grace.
You’d think you would have known…and
She knows your dad would mind it,
But she shows her off bare, derriere,
And Dan’s hand gets behind it.

She wants love,
She’ll make it,
Give her two seconds,
She’s naked…
This time it’s Fed-Ex,
She’ll take ‘em,
(UPS can’t go that extra mile)…so,

Your mommy screws the Fed-Ex man,
Your mommy uses Fed-Ex…
(They’re in demand)
Your mommy screws the Fed-Ex man.

Oh Davey,
I'm so sorry,
I know you're nine, just nine, just nine...
And your mother likes to whore sometimes....

[weird pause for music]

Your mommy screws the Fed-Ex man,
Your mommy uses Fed-Ex…
(Her favorite brand)
Your mommy screws the Fed-Ex man.
Your mommy screws the Fed-Ex man.

Duh nuh nuh, duh nuh nuh nuh nuh...
Duh nuh nuh, duh nuh nuh nuh nuh...
Duh nuh nuh, duh nuh nuh nuh nuh...
Duh nuh nuh, duh nuh nuh nuh nuh...