After diagnosing Collin with saggital cranio, the neurosurgeon(Dr. Rozzelle) explained that Collin would have to have surgery but that it would not be until he was between the ages of 6-8 months. Dr. Rozzelle said that he wanted to see Collin again at 4 months just to make sure that he was on track developmentally and then again at 6 months to discuss the procedure and get it scheduled. I began looking up everything I could find on craniosynostosis and it's corrective surgery. The descriptions took my breath away and the pictures brought tears to my eyes. It all seemed very horrid and cried nearly non-stop for three days. After those three days I calmed down as I told myself I still had four and a half months to prepare myself. The next couple of months went by quickly. Collin was doing great developmentally and growing like a little weed. He had already had 2 more well checkups at which he was proclaimed perfectly healthy and well-fed (weighing in at 18 lbs and measuring 26 1/2 in. at 4 months). His 4 month well check reminded me that it was time to see the neurosurgeon again and the appointment was set for Monday November 18. The morning of the 18th arrived and I headed out to the appointment expecting Dr. Rozzelle to be happy that Collin was doing so well and to tell us again to come back at 6 months to make plans for the surgery. Once there, Dr.Rozzelle measured and examined his head and asked about his development. He then asked if we had discussed the surgery before and I reminded him he said we would do that at 6 months. His response was that Collin was so big that he wanted to get it done and said he would like to do it that Wednesday. I was shocked, shaken, and my eyes welled up with tears. In one minutes time I had went from having two months to only two days to prepare myself for this. The rest of that day and the next day were a blur of phone calls and pre-op appointments. Tuesday afternoon hospital registration called and I knew that this was definitely happening. Those two days were a rollercoaster of emotions and I spent most of my time in tears and sick to my stomach. I couldn't sleep Tuesday night - I just laid there watching my baby boy sleep peacefully, torn apart that he didn't know what was about to happen and feeling that he would wake up after surgery hurting, scared, and confused wondering mommy what happened to me and why did you let this happen to me. Wednesday morning arrived and we headed to the hospital. We got back into the short stay unit and I just kept holding my boy - I didn't want to let him out of my arms. We filled out paperwork, Collin had an iv started in his little foot, and I sat holding him and crying. I kept whispering to him how much I loved him and that I was so sorry and that I promised I would be there the whole time.

These are pictures of me holding my boy and crying. I had so many things running through my mind, including the "what if's". I wished that I could go through it instead of him or that I could just get up and take him home. He is holding an angel I bought for him that recites "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. May angels watch me through the night, and keep me in their blessed sight." Also,you can see here how Collin's face is long and narrow because the sides of his head just went straight back.