~*~Pagan Humor~*~
~*~10 Ways to Severeley Anger a Pagan~*~
- Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
- Be considerate, rearrange their altar so it will look neat.
- Blow out their altar candle if it is still day light.(No need to waste a good candle!)
- Pick up their gems for a closer look.
- Sharpen their dull black-handled knife.
- Witness to them about the "true religion".
- Untie the knots in their cord.
- Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look.
- Play card games with their Tarot cards.
- Ask them again if they are Satan worshippers.
~*~You Might Be a Superficial Pagan If...~*~
- Your BMW stands out among the Toyotas and VWs at the Grand Coven.
- You have a three-piece ritual robe.
- Your ritual preparation includes stopping at the dry cleaner.
- The Priestess sends the ritual wine back to the cellar.
- You have considered calling the quarters by cell phone.
- You purchase astrological charts for companies listed on the NASDAQ.
- You use an alphanumeric pager in the circle to represent Air.
- You want to use the Weber Gas Grill as the ritual balefire.
- You actually buy an Eostara bonnet each year.
- You ask your bank for a VISA Gold Card with Stonehenge depicted on its face.
- You try to break a $100 bill in the donation pot at a public circle.
- The ritual wine is more European than your tradition.
- Your ritual robe has no cord because you've gone cellular.
- Ritual is postponed due to a bad hairpiece day.
- You worry that you don't have a robe that goes well with bare feet.
- Jet-lag is a common excuse for being late to coven.
- Perrier is the only water you will tolerate in the West.
- You initiate your lawyer, insurance agent, and cardiologist just to be on the safe side.
- You have 150 channels available on your TV and are too cool to watch any of them.
- Ritual was canceled because the CD player is in the shop. You never do a healing ritual for your car.
- Perfect love and perfect trust in your coven oath are annotated with footnotes and conditions.
- You have a notarized pre-handfasting agreement.
- Your first degree initiation had valet parking.
- Spilled wax really matters to you.
- You have a Ginsu athame.
- Cakes and wine for a dozen sets you back $139.
- Your coven is known in the community as "The Rich Corinthians."
- You view drawing-down the moon as being the Account Executive to the Gods.
- You worry that it would be inappropriate to do Yule at your summer house.
- Not everyone gets to use the "good" chalice.
- Your ritual bath is a Jacuzzi.
- You don't do astral projection; frequent flyer miles are so much easier.
- The gardener spends more time in your outdoor temple than you do.
- Your familiar is rented.
- You stop at the 7-11 to pick up a half cord of firewood for the bonfire.
- You are offended by the "We are the old people..." chant ever since the facelift.
- You shopped for a ritual staff and came back with two MBAs and an administrative assistant.
- Five-fold kiss or not, the thought of lips on your Guccis turns you on.
- You would invite the coven to your new house but, well, they're just so messy.
- You have not read The Spiral Dance and are waiting for it to be made into a movie.
- You had a pocket added to your ritual robe for your cellular phone.
- You would go to Pagan festivals if they would just hold them at a nice resort.
- Invoking the spirit of fire is expressly forbidden by your townhouse covenants.
- You wouldn't use a script in ritual, that's what the laptop computer on the altar is for.
- "In the cool of the evening, we used to gather..." makes you think of getting in a late 18 holes.
- Your ritual tools are itemized on your homeowners insurance.
- Your car payment is more than your priestess' monthly take home pay.
- You wear paste replicas of your ritual jewelry to rituals.
- After casting the circle you feel compelled to click that alarm thing on your keychain.
- You have a tattoo designed by Nybor and paid for the rights to the design.
- You have both the Jerry Garcia & Tim Leary hand-painted collector's edition plates on your altar.
- The square footage of your ritual circle is a status thing.
- It just doesn't seem right to call upon the spirits of water without a twist of lime.
- You have to hurry the Yule ritual along; the plane for Aspen leaves in an hour.
~*~How Many Memebers Of Your Sign Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?~*~
ARIES:
Just one. You want to make something of it?
TAURUS:
One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
GEMINI:
Two, but the job never gets done-they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
CANCER:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.
LEO:
Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.
VIRGO:
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
LIBRA:
Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?
SCORPIO:
That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
SAGITTARIUS:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
CAPRICORN:
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
AQUARIUS:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....
PISCES:
Light bulb? What light bulb?
~*~Proper Circle Etiquette~*~
- Never summon Anything you can't banish.
- Never put asafoetida on the rocks in the sweat lodge.
- Do not blow your nose on the sleeve of your neighbor's robe during an initiation.
- Do not attempt to walk more than 10 paces while wearing all of your ritual jewelry, dream bags and crystals at the same time.
- When proposing to initiate someone, do not mention the Great Rite, leer, and say, "Hey, your trad or mine?"
- Never laugh at someone skyclad. They can see you, too.
- Never, *ever* set the witch on fire.
- Avoid stenciling True Names on underwear and personal effects.
- Looking at nifty pictures is not a valid path to mastering the ancient grimoires. Please read thoroughly and carefully from beginning to end so that your madness and gibberings will make some sense.
- A good grasp of ritual and ritual techniques are essential.In the event of a random impaling (see next rule) or other accidental death amongst the participants a quick thinker can improvise to ensure successful completion. Make them another sacrifice. Demons like those.
- Watch where you wave the sharp pointy bits.
- Avoid walking through disembodied spirits.
- Carry an all purpose translators dictionary in case the ritual leader begins talking in some strange and unknown foreign language.
- Avoid joining your life force to anything with glowing, red eyes.
- If asked to sign a contract or pact and you are experiencing doubts or reservations, sign your neighbours name. Malevolent entities rarely check for proper spelling.
- Blood IS thicker than water. Soak ritual garments an extra 30-45 minutes.
- While drunken weaving may be mistaken for ecstatic dancing, slurring the names of the Dark Lords is generally considered bad form.
- If the ritual leader should ask for a volunteer, resist the urge to raise your hand. While volunteering will likely gain you stature and prestige amongst the group allowing you to advance quickly through the ranks, it is equally likely to get you strapped to a table and eaten alive by a drooling demonic hoarde.
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