cynical optimism
6/07/03 - dreary -
It's pouring outside. It seems like every time we get one day of nice weather, it's followed by a week of rain. I'm so tired of the rain. I sit and watch it fall into the courtyard outside and think. I hate it when i think, i get so depressed. I wish i could spend today cuddled up with ron. I'm sad, and he makes me happy just by his presence.
So instead i'm singing along to melancholy songs on the computer, like Brian McKnight's Anytime and DMX's Missing You, and Christina Aguilera's Beautiful. I like Christina Aguilera, i think her voice is wonderful, it's a shame she's such trailer trash. I'm listening to Mariah Carey and Boys II Men, One Sweet Day. That's Alex's memorial song
Today was the memorial run. No one told me it was today, and I didn't have any money to go. I miss Alex a lot. Sometimes i think that it's so unfair that she was killed so young, she was so innocent. But then sometimes i think that maybe everything happens for a reason. Her passing changed everyone's life at baldwin, in ways big and small. I know that it changed my life so much. I'd never had that close of a friend die before. It made me determined to leave my father's house before something similar happened to me. And it was at her funeral that Ron and i first kissed, first spent real time together. If she hadn't died, hadn't been dating Ron's little brother, i might never have started going out with him. Now i think that he is the man that i am going to marry. The outcome of my whole life would be completely different if alex were still alive.
"And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
like so many friends we've lost along the way
and I know eventually we'll be together
one sweet day"
~Boys II Men & Mariah Carey, One Sweet Day
6/02/03 - yet again -
Not having a job or school gives me ample time to fuck around on the internet. but i interviewed for a place today, and from the way they're talking, it looks like i'll be working come monday.
I've been hanging out with ron literally every other day for the past week or so. and i'm not tired of him yet, nor does he seem to be tired of me. i told myself to chill a little, but he called me this afternoon to see if i wanted to hang out. it occurred to me today that we've never fought or even squabbled over anything. but i had a sudden vision of a fight looming on the horizon. i don't know if it will indeed come about, but i can definately see me eventually drawing the line about him and dawn, and forcing him to make a choice.
speaking of choices, jemar (since he wants me to use his name) flipped a shit when i made the choice to let him see this journal. and now i have to decide exactly what are the boundaries of our relationship. i feel really shitty because he really liked me, even though he sure didn't treat me like it...or was all that emotional stuff just game you men use because you know that's an ace on us females? right now we're friends who hang out from time to time. i feel us drifting farther and farther apart, but that would be a shame because he is an intelligent guy, and i don't meet too many of those. on the other hand he can be an ass sometimes, and i meet plenty of those. oh well.
on another note, stevie seemed really into me on sunday. i picked out an outfit that i thought he would like. it was representative of my new style. i call it "hip hop bohemian" - urban chic with a neo soul flava. tight kahki capris, dark brown slightly see through sweater, brown open toed heels, brown pocketbook. had my hair down, long silver string earrings. He was eating it up. he even played with my hair for a minute. and when we hugged goodbye, there was an awkward sexual tension moment when the look on his face changed. he was no longer the cool calm stevie, he was heated. it was the dick face! when a man's dick takes over his brain he gets the dick face, and i think that was it. why am i making such a big deal over this stevie guy? becase he is the one man i have wanted that i never got. so i slipped him my number and said, "you should call me sometime stevie. you know i always liked you" so i am anxiously awaiting the call. *crosses fingers*
well that's all for tonight. i'm sleepy.
This morning, I woke up
Feeling brand new and I jumped up
Feeling my highs, and my lows
In my soul, and my goals
Just to stop smokin, and stop drinkin
And I've been thinkin - I've got my reasons
Just to get by, just to get by
Just to get by, just to get by
~Talib Kweli, Just To Get By
5/27/03 - *shock and amazement* -
wow, two updates in one month, let me go check and see if money is growing on trees or if pigs are flying about. So what's new...
I quit my job. Don't really have a new one at present. Just couldn't take it there anymore.
Went to Ocean City, Maryland over the weekend. with ron! *joy* rode a rollercoaster for the first time, got a henna tattoo, and was very lovey with ron.
i was going out with this guy (the one who bought me sexy underwear) and he was being an asswipe, so i broke up with him. but he apologized and read me his journal and told me his emotions and stuff. so we are talking and being friends. but we are not back together. *sigh* besides, i think i only want to be with ron. it seems pointless to be in empty relationships with other guys when my heart is with ron.
but now i'm tired of writing.
"let me get, 5 for 20
and, 7 for 30"
~Freeway, Sun Don't Shine
5/6/03 -life gets in the way -
Wow, two months since i last updated. I thought I had last month but the computer froze when i went to upload and i never checked to see if it actually went through. I haven't been on the computer much. Now that school is over, it looks like i'm going to have more time. I went for a whole three weeks without checking my e-mail at one point. But today was the last day of school. I took two finals, and now i'm sitting home not knowing what to do with myself. Not having classes, homework, or school responsibilities frees up a lot of my time. For example, thursday i'm completely free, no obligations, nothing i really have to do. I haven't had a day like that in a long time. I am looking for a new job though. One with more hours and higher pay. Once i get my driver's license, i'm going to apply for several. Halfway house counselor, corrections officer, and airport security are the top three right now. I need a new job so i can pay my school off. I still owe them a g. Which sucks. I paid them 800 cash and 475 on my shiny new credit card. In a way this is kind of good because it's forcing me to establish credit. And it will be good credit too. I pay my bills regularly unlike *ahem* some people. Plus if i get a new job, i can get an apartment by August. I don't want to move once school starts again, so if i don't get it this summer, i'll just wait until next summer. I've been spoiling myself lately too. I bought myself some earrings, some clothes, a hat, and a guy bought me some sexy underwear. I haven't spent any money on myself, other than to eat, since december. i figured, school is over, i did well this semester, i deserve it. and, saving the best for last of this news update, my baby is coming home friday! that's right, ron is still my sweetheart. so this summer is looking real good. i'm going to be making more money, i plan to go to six flags and wildwood, i'm gonna get my own place, and i'm either gonna get a 9 millimeter or a .22 handgun. probably the 9 so me and ron can match. sexy sexy. All in all, life isn't too bad.
"I love you like a fat kid loves cake"
~50cent, 21 Questions
3/06/03 -"maybe i'll update tomorrow..." -
yeah right.
seems like i'm lucky if i get to this once monthly. i'm just so busy. with school and work and...life
like right now i'm supposed to be writing papers. it's my spring break and i was going to catch up. i'm in this course where you're supposed to write one paper a week, and hand them all in at the end of the semester. there are supposed to have been five papers done at this point. how many do you think i wrote? yup that's right, ZERO. i'm going to have a lot of work next semester, i'm declaring a double major, psychology and sociology.
I SAW RON!!! wheeeeeee!!!! i took the greyhound down to south carolina and saw him. left saturday at 5:00PM, got there sunday at 9:30AM. left him monday at 2:30PM, got home tuesday at 8:30AM. lets just say i'm never doing that again. i'll spend a little more money and take the train or fly or something. but honestly, it was worth it. *hearts floating up to the sky* oh it was worth it.
"Patiently waiting to make it through all the hating
debating whether or not you can even weather the storm,
as you lay on the table they operating to save you
it's like an angel came to you straight from the heavens above."
~50cent and Eminem, Patiently Waiting
2/04/03 - oops... -
so i haven't updated in like a month...but hey no one reads this anyway.
well school is a bit harder this semester. not in terms of the material, but in sheer workload. i'm doing good though, staying on top of things.
i got more hours at work in the eyeglass store. i should be netting 700 a month now, after taxes. $aving is key. I'm hoping to put away 500 a month between now and may. Should be possible with making more money, plus other sources of income. ; )
i'm really trying to get my own apartment once this semester is over. either in the apartments at 40th and market, or possibly over 61st and nassau...i heard there were some at 63rd and jefferson that were decent. but i have no money now, getting an apartment will require lots of saving. i want a homey little efficiency where i can live with my cat...and it will be all mine
the modelling company is going through some changes. the department that i'm a member of is breaking off from the main company and forming its own...so that's kind of on hold for now. i'm helping with some of the restructuring paperwork though. then i have to go through 36 weeks of training and shit. so no money from there for a while, most likely.
yeah so i have to go to work. maybe i'll update tomorrow.
"It's been a long time,
we shouldn't have left you
without a dope beat to step to,
step to, step to, step to..."
~Aaliyah, Try Again
1/13/03 - to me, it's still sunday night -
-ok, so technically it's monday morning, but really, it's still sunday night. like, how do you just make an arbitrary cutoff at midnight and decide that from this point onward, it's no longer night but early morning? if i had to pick the cutoff, it would be at more like 2 or 3 AM. anyway...
at least i don't swallow frogs
-the store i work at changed owners today. the new guy is somewhat of a flake, but hey i got a 50 cent raise, so i can't complain.
-money is tight. my wisdom teeth are growing in crooked and they hurt. a lot. i need books for the semester. i need 1300 dollars to pay the school for fucking school insurance. (which doesn't cover dental. my teeth still hurt) i need new pants. i rebelled against the budget and got sneakers. they're pretty, and with my friend's employee discount, they were only 30 bucks. still, i know that 30 is gonna come back and bite me in the ass. oh well. my feet will be happy.
-Yolanda Adams can sing her ass off. but her mouth is alarmingly large.
-i love ron. he is the joy of my life. people suck. they are the bane of my existence. i feel like everyone should just go away except for like a half dozen people, and me and ron should just have the whole world to live in by ourselves. hehe, we could walk around naked and shit! or not.
-i'm tired and i need to get up early tomorrow so that i can get to the bookstore first and get all the used books at bargain prices.
-sleep.
"Maybe I need a new outlet, I'm startin to doubt shit
I'm feelin a little skeptical who I hang out with
I look like a bum, yo my clothes ain't about shit
at the Salvation Army tryin to salvage an outfit
And it's cold, tryin to travel this road
Plus I feel like I'm always stuck in this battlin mode
My defenses are so up, but one thing I don't want
is pity from no one, the city is no fun
There is no sun, and it's so dark
Sometimes I feel like I'm just bein pulled apart
from each one of my limbs, by each one of my friends
It's enough to make me just wanna jump out of my skin"
~Eminem, 8mile
1/5/03 -life and shit -
i hadn't heard from my best friend since before christmas. i was worried. i felt like he was either seriously hurt or locked up. turns out he was jumped by nine niggas, pistol whipped, and had to stay in the hospital for a while. but he's generally ok. had to get stitches in his ass. :\ poor eli.
spent new years eve with ron. complete surprise. he just called me up and was like, so what are you doing? and he came over and we had some alize and watched the ball drop and kissed and made love and all that romantic shit. :}
my cokehead boss finally sold the store to the other guy, and now we have a change in owners, otherwise everything is the same. still have a job there, still get paid like crap. i shouldn't complain though, it's hard as hell to find a job in philly. my other job is goin good, recording shit still. my pictures from the photo shoot turned out good. my other other job is kind of stagnant. because eli got hospitalized, that q.p. is only half moved, and shit i owe my supplier 200 bucks.
speaking of money problems, how about i have to buy books for this semester, and after bills i'm gonna have about 35 bucks left over? i gotta get this calendar thing goin like mad crazy. and i applied for a credit card, so hopefully i can put the 1300 bucks i owe to school, because my mom won't fill out a form, on the card for now. YES i owe 1300 bucks because my mother wont send in one fucking piece of paper. FUCK HER. and FUCK her pitiful attempts at trying to act like somehow we're still family. what??? you've got to be fuckin KIDDING me. i've got better family in Eli and Ron. they're all i need. my "sister" and "mommy" aren't too bad either. shit, i'm still livin here and we get along. i'm greatful.
on the family/loyalty subject, this song is on my top favorites list. (and yes there are like a hundred songs on that list, i love music)
My step pops didn't like me beat me outta my mind
Ten and eleven the same I never would change
He still had to hit me, aggravate a little nigga
Still wearin' Skippys
Bob had Adidas and Pumas, I could a had a pair
My mommy said wait 'til Christmas but I needed em sooner
If you heard I was broke dawg it wasn't a rumor
I said Gangstas ride (Ride with me)
Gentlemen live your life (Live it up)
Cause Gangstas die (We all gon die)
It's only a matter of time (The clock tickin)
~Styles P, Gangsta and a Gentleman
12/30/02 -so? -
Ok, so christmas and all that holiday shit is over. thank the lord. now it's new years. supposed to rain. i never really understood the big hype over the new year. so what? it's another day. big whoop. i prefer to think of time as a circle, there really is no beginning or end, a year just measures one revolution around the circle. so i guess we're celebrating making it around yet another time. anyway.
still working in the gallery, not as many hours though. still doing the modelling thing. learning shit. they want me to go to new york in february, after i become a member, which should happen around mid-january. still on the hustle. me and my girlfriend thought up an idea to put together a calendar of fine ass niggas and sell that shit down the gallery as a "fund raiser" to help underprivileged kids go to college, aka, us. heh heh heh.
ron broke up with me. i was crushed for a day. then i thought about it and predicted that by spring break he would be back. didn't even take that long, he's back already. it was over some other girl, he was trying to see her and only her. but he's never done that for any extended period of time ever in his life. a month at most. but he's back already, and i'm seeing him later this week. <3<3<3
anything else interesting...Lord of the Rings, the Two Towers - GOOD. so good. i love gollum! he's such a schizophrenic little fuck! he's got split personalities!
oh and i've had my hair done for a while, then i got my nails done and i actually liked it. am i becoming *gasp* girly??? but i took the braids out last night, and the nails off, and i'm back to being au naturale. i like that too. i get annoyed with pretty shit after a short period of time.
and that's all i feel like writing right now, i have shit to do.
"I got shot up but I got up and i'm back at it again,
motherfuckers they thought I wouldn't win, pretend to be friends,
at first you fail, try, try, try, try again,
i'm the best don't you get it, forget it, when I spit it, its crazy,
you love it, admit it, you like it, I live it, its Shady...
I got places to go, I got people to see,
The penitentiary, ain't the place for me,
I'm warnin you do, not tempt me,
I'll run up and squeeze
And put a hole in you"
~50 cent, Places to Go
12/14/02 - sad -
don't know why i'm depressed really, but i am. i've been listening to Better Days, the new Tupac album, a lot lately. that and the 8mile soundtrack. feels better.
Damn, take a ride, to my block
My block, that's right! Heh
F'real on my motherfuckin block
They got a nigga
Sheddin tears, reminiscin on my past fears
Cause shit was hectic for me last year
It appears that I've been marked for death, my heartless breath
The underlying cause of my arrest, my life is stressed
And no rest forever weary, my eyes stay teary
for all the brothers that are buried in the cemetery
Shit is scary, how black on black crime legendary
But at times unnessecary, I'm gettin worried
Teardrops and closed caskets, the three strikes law is drastic
And certain death for us ghetto bastards
What can we do when we're arrested, but open fire
Life in the pen ain't for me, cause I'd rather die
But don't cry through your despair
I wonder if the Lord still cares, for us niggaz on welfare
And who cares if we survive
The only time they notice a nigga is when he's clutchin on a four-five
My neighborhood ain't the same
Cause all these little babies goin crazy and they sufferin in the game
And I swear it's like a trap
But I ain't given up on the hood, it's all good when I go back
Hoes show me love, niggaz give me props
Forever hop cause it don't stop... on my block
[Chorus: a bunch of kids]
Livin life is but a dream
Hard times is all we see
Every block is kinda mean
But on our block we still play...
But on our block we still play...
Now shit's constantly hot, on my block, it never fails to be gunshots
Can't explain a mother's pain, when her son drops
Black male slippin in hail when will we prevail
Fearin jail but crack sales got me livin well
And the system's sucidal with this Thug's Life
Stayin strapped forever strapped in this drug life
God help me, cause I'm starvin, can't get a job
So I resort to violent robberies, my life is hard
Can't sleep cause all the dirt make my heart hurt
Put in work and shed tears for my dead peers
Mislead from childhood where I went astray
Till this day I still pray for a better way
Can't help but feel hopeless and heartbroke
From the start I felt the racism cause I'm dark
Couldn't quit the bullshit make me represent
Hit the bar and played the star, everywhere I went
In my heart, I felt alone out here on my own
I close my eyes and picture home... on my block
[Chorus]
And I can't help but wonder why, so many young kids had to die
Caught strays from AK's and the driveby
Swollen pride and homicide, don't coincide
Brothers cry for broken lives, mama come inside
Cause our block is filled with danger
Used to be a close knit community but now we're all cold strangers
Time changes us to stone them crack pipes
All up and down the block exterminatin black life
But I can't blame the dealers
My mama's welfare check has brought the next man chrome wheels
Shit's real, I know ya feel, my tragedy
A single mother with a problem child, daddy free
Hangin out pickin up game, sippin cheap liquor
Gamin the hoochies hopin I can get to sleep with her
It's a man's world, stayin strapped
Fantasies of a nigga livin phat, but held back
Pipe dreams can make the night seem hopeless
Wide eyed and losin focus... on my block
[Chorus]
And block parties in tha projects lastin way past daylight
A young nigga learned to break night
Used to play fight with my homies but they stuck in the pen
I send them ends, but it's tough on a friend, in my mind
I see the same motherfuckers ballin
Alcohol will make a lazy nigga slip and fall, miss his call
I know the young niggaz understand this
Growing up in this world where everything is scandalous
I reminisce on tha fast times, past crimes
Tryin to cop a slice of pizza with my last dime
Can't explain, just what attracts me to this dirty game
Gold chains, some extra change, and the street fame
And what's strange is everybod knows my name, swear they all know me
And lots of cash make a nigga change
I hit the green just to maintain, feelin pain
For all the niggaz that I lost to the game... from my block
[Chorus]
[2Pac - speaking over Chorus]
Rest in peace to all the muh'fuckers who passed away
From all the blocks that I'm from
One-twelve street, 7th Avenue, New York, Uptown, knahmsayin?
183rd and Walt, my block, that's right
122nd and Morningside, my block, that's right
Decatur Avenue, Baltimore, my block, that's right
In the jungle of Atlantic City, that's my block, that's right
Los Angeles, haha, that's my block too
Oakland, can't forget Oaktown, that's my block for sure
And all the other blocks around this motherfucker
Houston, Florida, St. Louis, Tennessee, Miami, Chicago
All y'all niggaz stay kickin up dust
Represent the motherfuckin block
~Tupac Shakur, My Block remix
12/4/02 - calm -
so i saw ron on friday. yes, as pitiful and pathetic as it is, despite how much he hurt me, the moment i saw him i forgave him. any upset or anger i may have been feeling at the unfairness of how he was treating me immediately dissolved the moment i saw him. i was so very very happy, we were lying in bed all intertwined and we fell asleep, then the house phone rang and we woke up...so good to wake up and then realize i was in his arms. god i love him. and as we were drifting off again, he kissed me gently on the forehead. (i was nestled under his chin) it was the simplest thing, but so loving. it healed me of any hurt he previously inflicted. i want to be with him forever and ever.
i've also decided that i don't particularly want to be part of the dating scene. I had been talking to a couple guys, and seeing 2 or 3 regularly in a non-serious way, but it is all too...cluttered. they bring too much drama with them, infringe on my life, cramp my style. i need to clear my head, get focused on my goals again. EC (my manager for my modelling job) is VERY interested in me. I'm somewhat interested in him too, he seems like a good man, a sensible, straightforward man who won't play head games with me. he's also very busy, so i won't have to worry about him trying to see me all the time and complicating my life. i intend to date him in a laid back and steady sort of way. and if i ever get bitchy and in need of sexual fufullment (not going to sleep with EC for a good while, being a good girl) i will go see that very fine specimen of a man up at LaSalle. I really feel like i could just be with ron and no one else. that could also be because he comes home in 2 weeks. keep him away for longer and i might change my tune. :) i love you baby.
"But I thought about how rich I am and said
No sir, chick was crazy
Gave her crazy space
Was it with the whip appeal or my, baby face"
~Clipse, When's the Last Time
11/27/02 - bottom dropping out of my world -
Ron came home last night. I talked to him before he got on the plane, and everything was cool, we were supposed to hang out all day today. But it being his first day home since august, he was stuck doing stuff with his family, getting his hair cut (the afro situation is completely gone :\ ) and such. So i said to him, well i know tomorrow is thanksgiving and all, but i'm gonna be in your neighborhood, so why don't i stop in and see you, and then maybe we can hang out all day on friday instead. and he says, umm..tomorrow won't be good, my girl is going to be at my house. WHAT?!!? your girlfriend? eating thanksgiving dinner with your family?? what about me? what am i? when he said that, it felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach. i don't know what else we said, but i hung up the phone, and went to walk out of my room, but i didn't remember where i was walking to. i was just sort of turning around in a dazed circle in the middle of my room. i collapsed on the floor and started sobbing uncontrollably. why? what does she have that i don't? i thought he was just seeing her for a little while over the summer. i didn't know they were still together and she was his girlfriend. now i can't sleep, i can't eat. all i can think of is him being with her. his family sitting at the table eating thanksgiving dinner with her there. i really thought that after spending the day with him today, he might invite me to dinner with him. boy was i clueless. all i can see is him kissing her, holding her hand. loving her. what does she have that i don't? ron called me back and i asked him that. he said he didn't know, it was just something. he said that he didn't see our relationship progressing further than what it currently is. (me loving him, him liking me, us being friends who make love occassionally) and what can i do about that? he's a grown ass man. he's living his life the way he wants to, and i apparently only feature on the fringes. there is nothing i can do to change that. i desperately want him to love me. i desperately want someday, for us to be togther. and it doesn't look like that's going to happen. but what can i do? moving on is not an option. all i can do is continue on the way we are, at least that way i get to see him and be with him occasionally, rather than not at all. all i can do is pray every night before i go to sleep that someday he will realize that i love him more than anyone else in his life. hope that maybe one day he will stop and look around, and realize, damn, she's the only one left, everyone else moved on, grew apart. until then i'm going to keep getting hurt. i'm going to be unable to eat or sleep. i'm going to cry and be lonely and hurt like hell inside.
ron, you just don't understand the depth of how much i love you.
11/25/02 -thanksgiving break-
So i finished a twelve page term paper in a little over 24 hours. and that's with 4 hours out to make a run up north philly, and 6 hours of sleep, and 3 hours of classes. so really a little over 11 hours. *stretches* Aaaaahhhhh...yes i still got it.
as for that run up north philly, went and got what i had to get, then saw my best friend, he's such a shady ghetto fuck, but then he is my best friend, isn't he, so that's only natural. we went to do some business, and it was like a scene out of some hip hop culture movie. we go through this vacant lot, jump over a concrete wall into this alley, pull a rusty cyclone fence aside and slip through, then climb over the rail to these dirty back steps that smell like cats and piss. and it's all dark and shady and shit, we on the look out for cops and muthafuckas. so fuckin ghetto.
i got all this work to do for school over break. i feel like, woohoo, break, no class, but then when i think about it, i realize that it's less than a week off and i'm not going to get half the shit done that i want to. i've got it planned out somewhat. work on tuesday, then *cough*other*cough* job. ron's flight comes in at 8:00. <3<3<3 wednesday i have to go take care of some revenge shit in the morning, this muthafucka really got it comin to him. then the rest of the day i'm spending up in the tellie with my baby! <3<3<3 then thursday i'm gonna get some schoolwork done during the day, and break up the rest of my product, hopefully. then maybe, that's a very iffy maybe, i'll spend some time at my sugar daddy's, thursday night is my other (legal) job, then later thursday night, possibly thanksgiving dinner at my baby's house. <3<3<3 friday morning it's back at my other (legal) job, then probably my other other job...maybe some school work, maybe see my baby again <3<3<3 ok i'll stop with the hearts before you all puke on your keyboards. yeah then work saturday, see my baby off at the airport and work on sunday. looks like i'm gonna be busy.
i just realized that none of you have any interest in my schedule over the break, but that was written more for my own benefit than any of yours so don't complain that i'm boring.
any other juicy information...OH! DELICIOUS boy from LaSalle. 6'2", caramel skin, built, 10" (how do i know? i made him show me. he was really disappointed when i didn't do anything about it heh heh) mmmm, he is fine. might have to get that, you know.
ok well i'm going down to the weight room to make myself sexy and built and stuff because i'm not as cut as i used to be, and if i'm gonna model, i need to be cut. so. adios for now.
"North Carolina, come on and raise up
take your shirt off
twist it round your hand
spin it like a helicopter
North Carolina, come on and raise up
this one's for you, uh-uh
this one's for who?
us us us"
~Raise Up, Petey Pablo
11/19/02 - oh yeah, that updating thing... -
So it's been like almost a month since i last updated. but i have good excuses, really, i do! i've been so very very busy.
school. midterms are past, thanksgiving break is coming, hurrah. (that means ron is coming home! <3) i have a 3.67 gpa, need to bring that up a bit.
work. i have not had a day off in so so so very long. today is simply heavenly. i've designated it relaxation and fun for lis day. the only reason i have off is because my boss pisses me off, and we got into an argument, and he was like, well guess what, you're not going to be working on tuesday. i was like, sweet! hehe, i guess he thought that was supposed to be punishment or something? that backfired. i have another source of income now, i'm not hurting for cash. he pisses me off because he's so disrespectful towards me, and he sexually harrasses me. plus he's got this power trip thing going ever since his wife got pregnant and stopped having sex with him. that's all he needs is some good sex. and since she's gonna be pregnant until may or so, he better find a hooker.
"other job". business is goin pretty well. i've got a clientele, and i'm makin a nice supplementary income.
prospective new job. this talent agency had picked me up. i was just walking along when this guy stopped me and was like, we want you. turns out he's the head honcho, and the way their agency works is that they're really selective, people's agents contact them and they pick and choose. they don't stop people. so basically, i'm special. :D it seems to be legit too. dude wants me to do commercials, some modelling, maybe an independent film. but i'm not getting my hopes up too much. still seems a little too good to be true.
love life. RON COMES HOME IN ONE WEEK!!! *ahem* yes. plus there is a Dev'on. he says he loves me. what is it with dudes saying they love me??? tony from work said he could potentially fall in love with me. (i stopped seeing him) eric from athletes foot said he loved me (i screamed and ran the other way. just kidding, i didn't. i just ran. i'm not the screaming type.) now this guy. but this one is very persistent. when i told eric we should just be friends, he was ok with it. dev'on is possessive and controlling. i don't like controlling. we put an end to that. so now we're cool, and he says he loves me and gives me things. like $799 dollar Movado watches. well, i don't think he paid that, i think he got it from his boy who sells clothes and stuff on the street. he could potentially have paid a couple hundred for it though. but anyway.
damn, the owner just called me from my job. they want me to work. on the one hand i'm like mwahahaha, they need me and my boss is a dick. on the other hand i'm like wahhh, i don't want to work. i told them i'd be there at three, so that means i have to shower and get dressed. i wasn't planning on doing that for another hour at least. RAAAARRRRRRR. (that's hello in brontosaurus, right red?)
well, that's probably all the update you wanted to read anyway.
"I’m on an emotional rollercoaster
Lovin’ you ain’t nothin’ healthy
Lovin’ you was never good for me
But I can’t get off this
emotional rollercoaster
Lovin’ you ain’t nothin’ healthy
Lovin’ you was never good for me"
~Vivian Green, Emotional Rollercoaster
she's my good friend's sister, and her album just dropped last week. she's signed to columbia, and her debut album, A Love Story, is really good!
10/28/02 - *shock & amazement* -
isn't this unbelievable? back to back posts?? yeah well i'm in one of my obsessive orgazational/list making moods, and i feel the urge to write down all the things i have done and need to do. i'm kinda proud of myself; buckling down and getting so much done in such a short period of time.
so this morning i wake up and am like, OH SHIT, is my english paper due today??? fortunately, it wasn't. it's due in two weeks, the thing was, i had absolutely no idea when it was due. but i did have a test in biology, and a test in 2 hours in understanding the bible.
plus i went and got something i've been meaning to get for like 2 months, and picked courses for next semester. --- credits from this semester: 16 credits from AP courses: 15 total credits so far: 31 being a sophmore at the end of this semester: priceless. mwahahaha.
i'm feelin kind of good. gotta do laundry and organize cds when i get home. maybe type up this paper thingy, only one page. then tomorrow night i'm goin up north philly, and wednesday night, i'm seein this guy from new york, he's giving me some money. so i'm going to be busy as hell.
but now i have to go study for this bible test...it's the only class i didn't get a midterm evaluation for, because we had nothing to be graded yet. i got a B in biology, an A in english and psych. go me. now lets see how long it takes before i update again. :\ i'm going for once a week.
"Ghetto supastar, that is what you are
Comin from afar, reachin for the stars
Run away with me, to another place
We can rely on each other, uh huh
From one corner to another, uh huh"
~Mya, Ghetto Superstar
10/27/02 - satisfaction. -
I was just thinking, i'm really satisfied with the way my life is running rather smoothly right now. There are a few more things i need to do, affairs to put in order, but then i'll be quite comfortable. i'll be rid of those little things that need to be done at some indefinite point in time, you know, the ones that nag at the preiphery of your conciousness.
i don't have much to say. i'm chillin hard, i guess. wanna see the ring. wanna hustle up some change tomorrow. half a c if i'm lucky. tryin to get 8 mile on bootleg before it comes out. tryin to get off work early the night of the BSU dance- holla! tryin to see my sugar daddy cause i need my phone bill paid, and i need some new clothes. tryin to meet up with an old friend who wants to unload his soul. tryin to get some killa lyrics down. tryin to find someone to make beats for me. thats about it. still workin on the roommate idea.
and lastly, 30 days until Ron comes home. *grin*
"You got me feeling like the breeze, easy and free and lovely and new
Oh when you touch me I just can't control it
When you touch me, I just can't hold it
The emotion inside of me, I can feel it"
~Jill Scott, He Loves Me
10/19/02 - right, updating...
oops. hey, i've been friggin busy. if i'm not in class, i'm at work. and if i'm not at work i'm home asleep. or not home, asleep. ;) *lecherous chuckle* heh heh. anyway. so what's new with me? 37 days until Ron comes home. I love you so much baby...
um. i'm becoming a hustler. it's so fucking hard to make money legally. no i do not want your input on this subject, nothing you say is going to change my mind. i'm not the innocent little girl everyone seems to think i am. i'm also not going to die or murder someone. i'm very good at surviving, and this is what i basically have to do to make it. it's in my blood anyway, my dad's not an abusive ex-mobster for nothing. and i've got a decent hammer. not the best, not very legal, but once i get some cash, ima invest in a good, new, glock .40, one with no bodies on it...back to my father, (it always comes back to my father doesn't it?) i think in a way, he'd be proud of me if he could see what i was doing now. something along the lines of, 'god damn, chip off the old block'. (if you want to know exactly what kind of illegal shit i'm doing, call me. if you don't know my phone #, you probably aren't close enough to me to be privvy to such information. e-mail me and find out. troffo1@yahoo.com) what else is new...
i'm doing fucking awesome in college. like a 3.8 gpa or someshit. gotta keep them grades up so i don't lose my scholarship. it's so much easier than highschool.
love life? RON. did i mention he's coming home? plus i gotta have a kind of relationship with my business partner. there's this really nice guy who manages the Athletes Foot, but he can't handle the fact that i'm committed to ron. so i don't know where that's going. he's dealing with a lot of shit in his life right now, too, people dying, fighting in his family. and i have another friggin stalker. he's an african from germany, and you know what, i just can't deal with foreigners. they STALK you. i want to go to Powerhouse, but i don't want to go with him! aarrrgghhh.
ADVERTISEMENT: i'm looking for a roomate for a west philly apartment. i guess it would have to be a one bedroom, possibly two, depending on funds. see above e-mail address. well that's all i have time to tell yall about now.
no, i don't sell coke, but i thought this would be fitting:
"I'm yo pusher....
From ghetto to ghetto, to backyard to yard
I sell it whip on whip, it's off the hard
I'm the...neighborhood pusha
Call me subwoofer, 'cause I pump base like that...
Grin-din', when you know what I keep in a line and
Niggas better stay in line, when
When you see a nigga like me shinin'..."
~Clipse feat. Pharrell, Grindin
9/26/02 - eat. spit. be happy. -
sunflower seeds are the shit. that said, i have a moral dilemma. (that's the cue for those of you who read this to perk up your ears and give me advice) So here's the problem. From working in the gallery, i've "made friends" with guys who work at the other stores. That means they find me attractive and want to give me things. over the past week alone i got lunch for free once, and and entire lunch for the price of a soda twice. I got a sixers hat at 35% off. i got some sweet nike sneakers at 40% off. I got some timberland boots at 30% off. and i'm getting another pair of tims for free next week. and i got plastic bags for work free on 3 different occasions when we ran out and my boss didn't want to go buy new ones. so my question is, should i take advantage of guys liking me to get things that i want? i mean, it's not like i'm a gold digger. i see other girls do it all the time. maybe i'm just not used to it. i'm not used to thinking of myself as pretty or sexy. i think i'm rather ordinary. most guys seem to disagree. and it's not like these are ugly guys who can't get girls. they're fine lookin dudes. i rather like the attention, and i like getting stuff for free or cheap even more. what do you think?
"Hustlers put down your guns (put em down)
Self-respect is the best weapon
Spread love show your real value
Set a true example by starting with you
See them kids right there
Don't be shootin round them kids right there
Gotta show there is hope out here
Train yourself you can be most high" ~Jerzee Monet, Most High
9/23/02 - random
Had a 6 page analysis of D.H. Lawrence's The Rocking-Horse Winner due today. Banged that shit out last night. Well, i wrote 5 pages last night from 7:30 to 10:00. Woulda finished in that time but i was distracted by Shaft on TNT. Then i went to see Tone-from-down-the-hall. We might be all made up. Might being the operative word. I'll just keep more of a distance, it's hard to have a relationship with someone who lives down the hall. But this is good, since my current booty call, Tony is getting back together with his ex-fiance. I think that's a bad move. She's got some shit with her. I think he should get together with this other girl who comes in to the job for him, she'd be much better for him. Anyway, i finished the rest of the paper this morning. Saw Antoine. He moved out of his baby's mom's house. Well, it's his house, but he's letting his baby's mom live there. He moved in with his sister until he finds an apartment. Every time i'm with him, i do something that he's just amazed that i'm so "sweet" or "nice" to do. People must generally be mean to him. I'm just being me. Anything else? ...nah. i'm hungry anyway. time for lunch.
"Come, as you are. As you were.
As I want you to be. As a friend.
As a friend. As an old enemy. Take your time.
Hurry up. The choice is yours...~Nirvana, Come as You Are
9/15/02 -facts of life-
no one is ever going to love me. that's just the way it is. no matter what i do, no one is ever going to love me. i feel like i must be cursed. what's wrong with me? there must be something wrong with me if out of all the people in my life, no one truly cares for me. They'll say, you're so pretty, you're so sweet, you're so smart, you're such a good person. They say the sex is good, the type to "make a nigga fall in love". But they never do fall in love. I do everything right. I call when i'm supposed to, i see them when they want. I take care of them when they need me. I loan them money, give advice, comfort, support. I love them unconditionally, love them with all i have to give. It's never returned. Not in the least bit. I don't want to live my life so horribly alone. it hurts. there has to be something wrong with me to be such a failure, for nobody to care. everyone has somebody who loves them. but i have no one. nothing. empty. alone. numb.
I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me?
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity.
I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace.
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity.
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing.
I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here.
If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart.
I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can.
I am ready for love
Here with a offering of
My Voice
My Eyes
My Soul
My Mind
Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love.
I am ready.
~India Arie, Ready for Love
9/13/02 - aquarius-
My horoscope today: "...don't try to change the way someone chooses to live their life. Accept others." funny since i've been trying to give a wakeup call to stevie. he's been fucking up royally at the job lately. now, you need to understand, stevie is an impressionable guy. the kind that is easily converted to a gung-ho advocate of something after maybe one unqualified conversation. he's also a bit forgetful. but since he moved in with "pretty tony" he's taken an abrupt turn into a downward spiral. not dressing professionally anymore. (and he used to be really sharp) he's fucking up orders, arguing with customers, and his homophobia is even more acute than usual. the owner is very displeased, talking to the manager about firing him, and the manager (who is friends with stevie) isn't saying anything to back poor stevie up. i want to talk to him, to see if i can get through to him. i don't want to see him go out like this. he's trying to get his hip-hop career off the ground, (his sister opens for maxwell) he just finished the demo cd, but he can't afford to get fired right now. he doesn't even have a solid living arrangement. it frustrates me. he's the one who got me this job, and i feel like he's at the brink of really fucking his life up under the influence of pretty tony who is involved with illegal shit. i'm pretty sure stevie already has a record. FUCK. and i can't get a hold of him. i'm going to keep trying until i do.
i care about others too much. i hurt myself. like a bird beating itself against the glass until it dies.
"If you want to, i can save you, i can take you, away from here"~Michelle Branch, All You Wanted
9/5/02 - i'm a highschool graduate...
i visited my highschool today. i didn't feel out of place being there, but the way everyone was treating me made me feel odd. i kept remembering the way i looked at the people who came back to visit while i was still in school, and that was wierd. also not long ago i got mail addressed to "Baldwin Alumnai". that was trippy.
on another note, i finally made up with a friend after not talking for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of torture. i don't understand how people can argue and hold grudges. i can't stand knowing that there are ill feelings between myself and someone else. but we seem to be ok now. i hope.
"Lets take a walk through the deepest part of the hood. I wanna know who it was who said it was all good." ~ masta ace, take a walk
9/03/02 - American Beauty
"Sometimes there is so much beauty in the world...i feel like i can't take it...and my heart is just going to cave in" ~'Ricky'
thank you red.
8/31/02 - summer is over
damn i hate the cold. i don't want summer to go! i was talking to scy about this and he basically told me to grow up. but i love summer and all it signifies, the life and growing things, and warmth and freedom. things die in the fall. and it's cold and windy. then it snows and it's all over for me. but anyway.
college. i'm taking 4 major classes. english lit, intro to psychology, biology issues with a lab, (bio with a modern focus) and understanding the bible, and a colloquium they make all the freshman take. my profs are for the most part good, and my advisor rocks. she's the school shrink. hehe. my schedule is cool too, i have class monday wednesday and friday, but on friday they end before lunch, so i can go to work in the afternoon. generally speaking, it's pretty cool. it's unreal too, because on one hand, it's just school, blah. but on the other hand, it is college, that mythical status i've been striving to attain all these years. wierd.
personal life? "just the two of us, ain't got shit to do with us, and our personal life, it's just words on a mic..." sorry, reflexive eminem quoting there. that's my favourite song by him, btw (bad influence). well, i love ron. but what else is new, right? i'm working and paying my phone bill and small college bills (i got a full academic scholarship, but i still have to pay for books and shit) and feeding myself, and buying little things.
like this guy i know (he's a hustler) is making me a shirt that says MOVE and has the angry yelling face from AIM on it. black shirt, yellow writing. i need it because people run me over. they just walk into me like i don't exist. i was mowed down by a woman in a wheelchair who just drove into me like i wasn't there. i had nowhere to move to get out of her way! and i couldn't really cuss her out cause she's in a wheelchair, you know. i still have welts across my shins. grr.
well other than that, i'm not doing much. between school and work, i'm pretty busy. here is where i resolve to post more often. i'll try. now, "i'm about to travel through time, i bid you adieu" (dr. evil)
8/14/02 -
beginning anew. again. because my mother read my other site. which really bothered me. so i created this.
