Following on from last months placement of the Sacred Altar, this month I would like to impart some words of caution when partaking in the pre-circle rituals for cleansing the body, and awakening the mind.
Firstly...Be absolutely certain that all those joining the ritual that night are advanced enough to be working to P.S.T (Pagan Standard Time) This prevents embarrassing incidents with newbies and others..
Second....Don't allow your HPS (or Coven Cook) to prepare the cakes this close to actual circle time .
Third.....Measure the gap between the floor and the bottom of your cooker...and if in excess of half an inch ..plug the gap!!
Finally...Never, never allow the local vicar into your home on a Sabbat day...
It started as an ordinary cleansing bath ritual, I had already lost the "discussion" with my HPS as to who got the bath first, so as usual I was lying in tepid water, pondering if it was a good idea to turn the hot tap on again to try to bring the bath up to at least body temperature, cos the HPS had emptied the tank, when a scream of "FIRE!!" was heard from the kitchen.To be honest , I wasn't too surprised, the HPS used to make 60 cakes every Sabbat, then we would carefully pick out the 13 most edible looking ones and proudly offer these around after the Circle, so the odd kitchen blaze wasn't unusual.....the lady could burn water!!
I jumped from the bath with thoughts of "Red Adair" and "Sir Galahad" and ran to the kitchen.As soon as my wet feet hit the lino all thoughts turned to stuntmen and Torville and Dean.I wont say I lost traction, but Bambi on ice would have had more grip and finesse.At the time the body started to descend towards the floor my feet were only 6 inches from the ceiling, while my head was 6 inches from the floor.There I was, naked, flailing about, trying to get a grip on nothing. I hit the lino with all the tact and grace of a sky-diving hippo with parachute failure and proceeded to skid across the floor...desperately trying to stop.
Anyway, the cooker solved the problem for me, I smashed into the corner, wedging my left testicle underneath it in the process.
At this point I noticed several things in slow motion.
The first was the
cat
sitting
on the draining board saying "Why did you do that then??", and
"Man..That's gonna hurt in the morning!!"
the second
was
the HPS,
the Maiden and her Consort holding up cards 5.2, 5.1, 5.4 for artistic
impression and
originality, thirdly there was the local vicar (who was collecting for
the
following
weeks jumble sale at the exact moment I entered the kitchen) giving me a look
that said"You lied to me!!..You told me you couldn't attend my services because
you were Jewish!!."
. And lastly
were
the 3
newbies, all of whom were wondering if this was some form of
initiation...and all
deciding they weren't really interested in witchcraft and Christianity
was a
better
bet...and the vicar was handy too...
As the strangled cry of "COOKEROFFME" echoed across England a gunnery sergeant deep in a bunker had a major mental flash back .............
As the cooker was raised (by the 3 women present, the men ALL had their legs crossed in sympathy, and were looking pained...even the vicar who couldn't remember why), a swelling started immediately that any man would be proud of...had it been 2 inches over... As it was I developed a sort of gait, throwing the left leg out in a wide arch every time I walked anywhere...and suddenly developing a liking for large baggy underpants that I was hoping wouldn't manifest until my mid 50's.....as my toe was still broken and the toenail still missing from the previous months' circle incident, to see me walking was a trully unusual sight......
This lasted for weeks!! It was months before I partook in the Grand Rite again, and the Consort was very pleased when I did, his Maiden had seized on a golden opportunity and was making him practice every single day, and after 2 months he was starting to tremble in fear at the mere mention of Circles, Witches and Cookers......
