Ť Joke Page ť

Welcome to my joke page. Warning: some may be stupid, some may be in bad taste, most are probably not worth the time taken to read them... continue at your own risk.

Alright...here it is, one of the longest list's available...stupid as they may be, if you'd like to waste your time reading them it's thru no fault of my own.

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

You sue your wife in divorce because she has a much better job then you do.
You retire, only to get a better job as a janitor.
You think blondes are "pretty sharp cookies."
You've been on TV more than once describing what the tornado sounded like.
You don't need a clean shirt to go to work.
You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
Your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week"
Truckers tell your wife to watch her language.
You've ever stabbed the back of someone's hand while they were reaching for the last piece of chicken.
When packing for vacation, you biggest decision is whether to use paper or plastic.
There are four pair of pants and three squirrels hanging from your clothesline.
The family business requries a lookout.
You think the phrase "chicken out" means one of your pets has escaped.
You slam the door on your truck and your shotgun creates an instant sunroof.
You have to curl the sides of your cowboy hat so your wife can ride in the truck, too.
You've ever been getting gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You have to take the entire day off work to get your teeth cleaned.
Your mother has ever been arrested for poaching.
You've ever been arrested for relieving yourself in an ice machine.
Your wife's brass knuckles set off the airport security alarm.
Anything outside the Lower 48 is "overseas."
You consider dating second cousins as "playing the field."
You've ever run down a bowling lane and slid into the pins.
You've ever been arrested on an obscene mud-flap charge.
You've ever eaten out of aminnow bucket.
Your welcome mat says. "You'd better have a search warrant."
You've ever named a child for a good dog.
The only work your father ever did was supervised by a man holding a shotgun.
You converted your carport into a beauty shop.
You think the "six to ten pounds" on the side of a Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.
You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal!"
You've ever rolled your riding lawn mower.
Your idea of a summer vacation is running through the sprinkler in the front yard.
Stealing road signs is a family outing.
The cockroaches left you a note saying, "Clean this place up!"
You forego a haircut because there's not a clean bowl in the house.
You feel guilty about hitting that guy for what he said about your mother because he was just telling the truth.
You hold a frog and it worries about getting warts.
You paint your car with house paint.
You paint your house purple because that color was cheaper.
You can eat a McDonald's cheeseburger in one bite.
You're still upset about "Gunsmoke" being cancelled.
You drove to elementary school.
You have to honk your horn when pulling into your driveway to keep from killing chickens.
You've ever lost your wife in a poker game.
You're wife ever lost you in a poker game.
You think safe sex is when the participants are married to each other.
You've ever had sex behind a gas station... with the attendent.
Your sister subscribes to "Soldier of Fortune" magazine.
Anyone in your family wrestles alligators for a living.
Your wife has four-wheel drive on her vacuum cleaner.
The original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery.
You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did of the high dive.
You say "I heard dat!" more than three times in a two-minute conversation.
You know how to milk a goat.
You're family has a two room house so you have to sleep with your sister and cousin, and you begin to like it.
Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.
You have a tire swing in your house.
Your local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.
If you look up to and have deep respect for your insurance salesman.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You've ever vacationed in a rest area.
You think the Yellow Pages have something to do with training a puppy.
You refer to your van as "The Love Machine."
You have Mason jars filled with stuff the FBI can't identify.
Your kids have a three-day-old Kool-Aid mustache.
You've ever taken out a restraining order against your mother-in-law.
You sell rabbits out of your car.
You think people who have electricity are uppity.
Your talent in the local beauty pagent was making noises with your armpits.
You have a bumper sticker on your bowling ball.
Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.
Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.
You bring a bar of soap to a public pool.
All of your relatives' cars have "Tag Stolen" signs in the rear window.
You wash your car more often than your kids.
You're not allowed to mention the game warden's name in the house.
You see a sign that says "Just say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Your wife would rather fish off a bridge than shop for clothes.
Your yard has ever been the proposed site for a landfill.
Your Christmas lights shut down the local power grid.
There are tobacco stains down the sides of your school bus.
Blowing a tire means a new flower pot for the front yard.
Everyone in your family is an Elvis impersonator.
You know anyone who plays the accordian.
You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You can give the date and place of every bullet hole in your car.
Your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.
Your belt buckle is bigger than your head.
The Orkin man tells you, "Give up; you've lost."
You keep a pellet gun by the front door.
You have ever been run over while rabbit hunting off the front of your pick-up.
Your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.
You've ever asked a widow for her phone number at the funeral home.
Any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.
Your idea of a really big time is shooting rats at the dump.
You've ever been the first person in or the last person out of a video arcade.
There are antlers nailed to your car hood.
You've ever left Santa Claus a PBR and a Slim Jim.
You pay your baby doctor with home canned black-eyed peas, and he looks forward to it every season.
Your parrot can say, "Open up, it's the police!"
You think paprika is a third-world country.
You wore culers to your wedding so you would look nice at the reception.
Your car wakes people up when you drive down the street.
You have to mow your driveway.
You give away more free puppies than the Human Society.
You can't visit any of your friends or relatives without getting mud on your tires.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You've ever financed a tatoo.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
Your family tree does not fork.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...."
You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

How to have fun at your local McDonald's...

Ok... everyone is familiar with the world's largest and fastest growing fast food chain, McDonald's. The founder, Ray "Crock", wanted an environment where families and friends could get food with friendly service at any time of the day... Boy, what a crock, at least now.

To top everything off, McDonald's attacks decent food establishments by criticizing the food content... not like you'll find anything not genetically engineered in McDonald's food... Everyone must realize that McDonald's sucks, and you must do your part to put the fucking place out of commission...

As far as I can tell, everyone in McDonald's is rude and has an attitude, from the management to the customer. They, as most restaurants do, firmly believe THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT. This is true even when the customer is an asshole with blind disregard for everyone and everything. This is where you come in... Here are a few things that you can do to put your local McDonald's in it's place...

Recently in the news, a major group sited McDonald's as the most environmentally responsible establishment on the planet (note: this is even over green peace and Sally Struthers)... how the hell is this possible?

SENIOR CITIZENS BENEFIT DAY/WEEK

McDonald's is nice to senior citizens. Every McDonald's offers free or reduced price meals or drinks to Senior citizens... Now, all you have to do is attract them. For a minimal price, you can publish an ad in the local newspaper, or publish your own flier (can be cheaply made) which explains that a certain day/week, your local McDonald's will recognize senior citizens with free food, coffee, senior activities, you know... a big senior social. You may want to mention that other organizations will be there to speak and make the whole "event" decent... Now, if your McDonald's already offers free/reduced coffee, food, or sodas, this will definitely break them, and cause them to order much more supply, and could even cause them to run out of coffee or soda for the rest of the day... on the other hand, if they don't offer this, the mass crowd of old people asking for shit will certainly piss someone off... This has been tested, and as a result, a McDonald's had to close for a day to reorganize and reorder supplies, as well as "launch an investigation" about this Day, but they never turned up anything.

GARBAGE CAN TRICKS

Since McDonald's is usually a busy restaurant, the trash bags fill up quickly and must be changed frequently (but never are.) There are several things you can do to the trash cans. For starters, ask for hot or boiling water. If you don't want to attract attention by doing this, bring in your own really hot water... boil it, put it in a Styrofoam cup or a thermos... once in McDonald's, locate the filled trash can (should not be hard to find) and dump the hot water down the side. Not only will this melt the side of the bag, causing the trash to go everywhere, the person who takes out the garbage must pick up all the trash by hand and dump out the trash can with water in the bottom. This also soaks the trash, breaks up paper, and makes the whole experience quite unpleasant, but hilarious to watch.
Another easy trick is to walk up to the trash can areas, take the trays sitting above the trash cans, and simply throw them in all the cans. This will either make the employee fish them out by hand, or will cause the restaurant to be short of several trays, which becomes quite annoying.

FOOD TRICKS

There are several things to do with the food. Since there is probably something wrong with it in the first place, you might want to simply make the problem bigger... Before you enter the restaurant, cut some of your hair, or hair off of a pet. When at your table, place the hair all over the inside of the burger. When the line at the counter is long, and everyone is busy, cut up to the front of the counter, and start complaining about your burger. Show EVERYONE the hair inside the burger. You will get another burger, and most likely, a lot of free shit so you will come back. You will also cause most everyone to leave, and people in the kitchen to get shit on by the manager.

ON A BUSY DAY...

Busy days are the best. Customers are in a hurry, so are the employees... everyone has a short fuse and usually do not pay attention to what you say, or get very pissed. Ask for real dumb shit... For example, "I'd like a 69 piece Chicken McNugget." The best thing to do is to order a simple cheeseburger, and screw it all up with special orders... For example, "I'd like a cheeseburger, with extra cheese, no mustard, extra catsup, extra onions, lettuce, tomato, a real little dab of mayo, and make it well done... oh wait, I don't want cheese anymore. Just put extra lettuce on it... [wait for them to send the order back to the kitchen]... then Oh, wait, sorry... I just want a BigMac." You can also say, "I'd like a medium Coke with just 4 pieces of ice in it." They will always do what you say... Keep in mind that special orders do not cost extra, so you can order a hamburger, ask for extra mustard, catsup, and somewhere in there, casually mention extra cheese... 9 times out of 10 this works... and you don't get charged. NOTE: if you hear a printer printing followed by 3 beeps somewhere in the kitchen, your grill order was printed, and will be made... so change it after you hear that.

In some McDonald's, you will find the "Need A Penny - Take a Penny," Where people put in their loose change in case someone else is short some money... steal ALL the money in this. In one month, I made $42.71 from stealing the money from all the Need A Penny cups in my area... This is a good secondary income for lazy people.

If you plan on a big order, start off by telling the person you just want a soda. After they give a total and get ready to take your money, add an item. Keep saying "That's it" and repeat this process until you have what you wanted, and have wasted several minutes. You can also have the cashier repeat your order as many times as you wish, also wasting time.

THE INQUIRING CUSTOMER

McDonald's managers pride themselves in knowing the answers, and employees like to pretend that they do. So, on a busy day, keep asking dumb questions... Here are a few to ask... Oh, never actually order anything... just hold up the line with your questions. Here are a few questions to ask:

- "How is your meat prepared at the factory?" - "What part of the chicken does the McNugget come from?" - "Who was the BigMac named after?" - "What is the post-cooked weight of your quarter pounder?" - "Where does your come from?" - "How fresh is your ?" - "What is the square root of 69.666?" - "What is the nutritional value of a 9 piece McNugget box?"

DRIVE-THRU FUN

McDonald's videos tell the employees that the Drive Thru makes up for more than 40% of the average McDonald's business. Simply put, this system needs a lot of work. The speakers rarely work, and you usually get your order screwed up. The first thing to do is to take your car and back over the cut square in the pavement right beside the order sign several times. This causes a loud annoying "bong" to be heard by everyone with a headset... eventually the manager will come out with a weapon, and this is where you leave.
Another thing to do is to drive up, and say, "I just want a lot of butter..." or "I'd like a large penis to go please." Usually, people in the drive thru service will laugh or screw something up, and you will get yelled at by the manager... waaah.
If you want free food, order something in the drive thru. Keep your window down to listen to other orders. After you receive your food, park and enter the restaurant. Go to the front of the line and tell the person on duty that your order was screwed up... it helps to remember what someone else's order was, and then you just ask for that... you will get it. Sometimes, you even get free food for having a screwed up order.
This prank requires guts, but can be somewhat amusing. Simply drive up in front of the sign, turn your engine off, and go inside the restaurant and eat. There's always room to park in the drive-thru lane... You could also tell the drive-thru person that your car stalled, and you will have to call the motor club. This can put a drive-thru out of commission until you decide to move your car.
If you happen across a McDonald's that is expecting deliveries, or has cleaned the parking lot, you will notice traffic cones. You can move these cones around the drive-thru sign. Some people are stupid and will drive thru them anyway, so you may want to place a sign saying "DRIVE THRU CLOSED - - SORRY - MANAGEMENT." You can also place a legitimate order at the drive thru and right after your order, you can put a sign on the drive-thru sign saying the same "closed" message. The drive thru sensor does not sense foot traffic, so you can walk up to the sign and put one there...
The drive thru headsets can be a good source of amusement. When ordering, mumble your order, scream it real loud, or say it like the microphone is cutting out, for example, "I'd like to order a LARGE ibbit-obbt-ibbit-urger with no Sa... and extra and I'd also like a Med Oke." When they ask you to repeat, do the exact same thing. Remember, that as soon as you drive up to the sign, they can hear everything in your car... even if they are not talking. As soon as they ask for your order, turn your stereo up real loud, and begin to say your order... this screws everything up... Also, ask for a hotdog, or an item that you know they don't have. If you have the guts, are really bored, and are not driving YOUR car, take them seriously when they say "please drive through." This would be the ultimate action, putting your local McDonald's out of business.

If you have a simple shortwave transceiver, Ham Radio, or powerful handheld transceiver, you can talk to the entire drive-thru crew. The antenna is located above the cashier in the drive-thru box and has a receiving radius of the entire store and about half of the parking lot. You can add stuff to peoples orders, or just screw around. Drive thru people have noticed that illegally powerful CB radios, side band radios and even some car phones can be picked up with the headsets. Be innovative and use these to piss the employees off. If you do not have access to one, simply hide behind the sign, and shout extra food or obscenities at the sign...

GREASE DISPOSAL FUN

This next trick involves little or no intelligence, or imagination, but seems to get people every time. Behind McDonald's, usually found next to trash cans or the empty soda-syrup containers, you will find a large drum marked "not-fit for human consumption" or "inedible contents." Although these warnings belong in the food, they mark the grease vat. This is tightly sealed for a reason... it smells like dead human. They are also easy to open. Usually, you can loosen the ring around the top and open the lid. Be sure to cover your face when you do this... it does smell like shit... The nice thing about this is that the smell will cover the entire parking-lot area in roughly 10 minutes. Chemically, the smell will cause nausea, and definitely a loss in appetite. People will get sick everywhere, and definitely cause a loss of customers at McDonald's...
A simple addition to the previous trick would be to tip the can. The grease will probably have hardened, but on a warm day or if the black can is left in the sun, it will leave a sticky, raunchy mess in the parking lot that will be impossible to clean up, and will stink infinitely. This is a way to make the trick more damaging and longer lasting.

DUMPSTER FUN

McDonald's, or any fast food restaurant usually has a high volume of garbage output (not including the food). If you can travel around and find large objects, you can dispose of them in the trash containers. If you clog them up, not only will the store have to pay for an extra collection of trash (to remove what you put in there), They'll have to pay extra for later (or earlier) you do it, as well as what kind of objects you put in there. You can also put the empty silver soda containers, bread racks, or even signs and loose McDonald's shit in the trash. They won't appreciate the loss, and it's gonna cost them money at both ends. Lame but definitely effective.

PHONE ORDER FUN

One thing that is not very well known is that McDonald's accepts phone orders. This is a simple process. A serious, adult sounding voice can call a local McDonald's and claim that they have a large order that they would like ready for pickup. You supply a BS phone number, a BS name, and a BS order. The larger it is the better. Usually give about a half an hour to an hour notice to have the order ready. Good reasons for the orders are usually family get- togethers, meetings at local universities, etc. The university excuses are much better, because you can supply a college phone number (found in the phone book) and if they call (the usually don't) to verify the order, they will get the office, and will think it's legitimate. This prank is a beauty because after the manager takes the order, it is given directly to the kitchen, who begins the order. Again, they very rarely verify the orders, so it is easy to pull these off. To make this prank better, you should throw in mass quantities of food items that people NEVER eat -- Filet O' "Fish", Fajitas, etc... You can also call them back at the time of pickup, and say "sorry, we decided to eat at burger king..." DO NOT enter the restaurant and ask to buy the items at a cheaper price, like the old pizza man trick... that's just lame.

COMPUTER FUN

A nice thing about McDonald's is that it is linked via computer (and modem) to OakBrook, Illinois. Check your local phone book for a McDonald's with 2 lines. The second line is usually the computer line. You may also try Information. If you aren't able to get the number, read these next 3 parts...
- McDonald's are listed by Restaurant number in the phonebook. You can retrieve the number, then call the restaurant, asking for the manager. When the manager identifies himself, with his name, you write the name down, and tell him to get bent or something. With that information, you can call McDonald's 800 number, or any McDonald's Corporation HQ number in OakBrook, Illinois (they will relay your call). You say you haven't been receiving updates or any purchase orders, you identify yourself, and your store number, and location (city, state...). They will check the listings, and read off the phone number of the computer. If they won't give it to you, they will allow you to change the computer number, where you give them your enemies phone number or something, and they will get called by modem repeatedly... - Call your local McDonald's, identify yourself as Bill Haggan of Computer Services, McDonald's, Oakbrook... etc. Say you are updating your records, and need the computer telephone number. Get the number, then give them a bullshit verification number. - This is not very imaginative, but it works... it's also risky... wooooo. Find the phone box, open the user service box, connect any phone with an RJ-11 adaptor to the box and type your local ANI number (211, 811-9967) etc... do that for each line that enters the restaurant. Then reconnect it... you have the numbers.

Now that you have the numbers, there is a lot you can do. It is not wise to enter the computer. Although goodies are buried there, any changes you make are corrected that night with a verification call. It is also verified voice. However, everything in the restaurant is connected to the computer. Once you call the number, and connect to the computer, just sit there. The computer freezes all time clocks, order programs, etc. Every display will be marked "BUSY." This prevents anyone from punching in or out, the manager from checking labor, printing schedules, do inquiries about anything... basically interrupt most managerial and owner duties. If you find a constant busy signal, this is very easy to correct. Simply ask for an operator interrupt. If the operator breaks in, the beep will hang up the modem, allowing you to call right in. This prank does have profound effects on the McDonald's. It is highly recommended.

BASTARDIZING FOOD ITEMS

If you want to attract a certain degree of attention to yourself, and make employees and customers laugh, when you order food, fuck up the names to say something cool... You'll still get the food you don't want, and this too is a source of amusement. Spur-of-the-moment name bastardizations are by far the funniest, but here are a few suggestions...

SHMEGMA MAC, SHMEGMA SACK - instead of Mega Mac (shmegma is Dick Cheese) CHICKEN McFUCKUPS - Chicken McNuggets (be sure to ask for the 69 piece) McDICKEN - McChicken (ask for extra Mayo and smile...) CHOKE - Coke (I'd like a small choke with no ice) McRIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE - McRib... Do they still make this? FAGINA - Fajita (I'd like a FAGINA with extra cheese...)

IMPORTANT

Remember that McDonald's slogan is Food, Folks, and Fun... Just take the "fun" part to the limit... You sort of have to compensate for the asshole "folks" and the shit "food."

If you get bored, throwing salt shakers (plastic or glass) at the outside wall of the McDonald's is fun too... take advantage of whatever there is in McDonald's... there are infinite possibilities to create your local McDonald's an utter McHell. Don't consider it illegal (most of it isn't...) consider it more of a public service. Yeah... That's it.