THE ML WEEKLY NEWS Thursday, December 13, 2001
Rated G Issue #007
Editor in-chief: The KodeMaster Journalists: Countless
Format Checkers: Sah-Rae Hyjo Content Suggester: Micro Hue
HR WARS: THE PHANTOM (OF-AN-OPERA) MENACE
by David HugoIt is surprising how quickly things can happen, and the last two weeks are a prime example.
After posting the last issue early Saturday Morning, our Editor noted to fellow citizens that conversation had been drying up a bit recently. When everyone saw that message, the amount of messages being posted quadroupled overnight.
Not that there are any nights at MLerville, but that's another matter entirely.
In an effort to rectify the situation, Fatima Ali Raza asked why DBNs could be so blind as to not discern how perfect a couple Jonny and Jessie really are.
The faces of two members of the ML immediately turned a rather bashful red not all that long afterwards.
Yet, ignoring this for the moment, the DBNs entered into the fray, and went to support their opinion.
Jonny then fervently denied that he could possibly be interested in anyone other than one certain MLerville citizen. Even now, Jessie still hasn't managed to stop the blush present on her cheeks.
Yet, just as it seems to be that the subject is drying up, all is not lost.
Somewhere atop a skyscraper, one DBNer has purportedly said, "At last we shall reveal ourselves to the JJHRs. At last we shall have our revenge."
And aboard a ship hovering over MLerville, a JJHR advised her minions, "We must be mindful of the living HR, but not at the expense of the moment. So long as we keep our concentration in the here and now, where it belongs, we are going to win this encounter."
As for the meat in the middle, the Non-HR heathens, at last check, were wondering what on Coruscant is going on while still others told us, "They are multiplying! We should not have made this bargain."
So all of the parties involved eventually met, one side pitting against the other, and a fight of massive proportions has broken out.
Who is to triumph over the other is yet to be decided, but it is beginning to look like the Empire is striking back, much to this journalist's chagrin.
This journalist notes that if this keeps up, he might have to join the Rebels soon. As to why, well... he just can't seem to work that out right about now.
Meanwhile, onlookers wonder whether half of MLerville has acquired personal copies of a certain DVD and have watched it several times over already and are now obsessed with the characters.And in apparently unreleated news, many were shocked -- and some not so shocked -- when Mother Meach announced last week that:
"I am evil incarnate . . . I am the Darth Vader of the list, I have been known to seduce unsuspecting MLers to the Classic Jonny Quest side."
When they heard this, some citizens of MLerville said, "The Classic Jonny Quest side? Wahoo!!"
While others remarked, "Is this bad?"
And still others replied, "It depends upon your personal point of view."
So, when addressing a newbie, Meach then went to say, "I would convert you to a Race or Doctor Quest fan but since you're already a Race fan, I guess I can't do that."
But it was the last statement of hers that truly scared us journalists out of our wits. "And beware," she warns, "I have this strange influence on people that makes them want to write fan fics."
Yet all citizens of nearby LurkerLand then breathed a sigh of relief as she then adds with a grin, "Well, only on some people . . . It hasn't worked on Ina-chan in ages."
MOVIE REVIEW: HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S STONE
by Bri and her peeps, Bill, Oliver, Jonny24, and Hadji26When this journalist and her cohorts sat down and debated exactly what on Earth they were going to write down, (besides the point of how they were going to work as team,) a great amount of fights over trifles, apple pies and ice-cream cones soon broke out.
"We shouldn't do this!" Bill shouted. "As if a movie without me could be good!"
"Hey mate, shaddup!" Oliver commanded and added with a grin, "It had ME!"
"QUIET BOTH OF YOU!!!" Bri yelled. "I'm TRYING to review here!" Shaking her head wryly, she turned back to her writing and managed to get a few sentences down.If there is anything this reviewer could say for certain about this movie, it's that "IT'S ABOUT TIME IT WAS RELEASED!" Countless Harry Potter fans all over the world have been awaiting it since the release of the first books in the series by acclaimed author J.K. Rowling. Indeed, your friendly neighborhood reviewer is one of them. Being one of the countless rabid Harry Potter fans all over the world, this reviewer naturally HAD to go and see it the day it was released.
At this point, Bri was interrupted again, this time by a scuffle between Jonny24 and Bill. "What now?" she demanded in exasperation, glaring at them as they broke apart.
Jonny24 pointed at Bill and said petulantly, "HE claims I'm not a fan of the series!"
Bri gaped at them for several moments. "Wait a minute... you've read the books?" she finally asked.
"Well, I do live in your head," Jonny24 replied, shrugging.
"Oh yeah..." Bri said. Suddenly a blush spread over her face. "Um, can you guys see everything in there?" she asked.
"Heh... blackmail material galore..." Bill said, rubbing his hands together in glee.
Giving Bill a dangerous look, Bri said calmly, "Care to rephrase that, DARLING?"
Gulping, Bill and Jonny24 exchanged glances. "Um, we actually can't really see anything!" Jonny24 amended hastily.
"That's better," Bri said, turning back to her review.
"Guess now's not the best time to remind her of that wild party we had," Bill muttered to Jonny24, who shook his head fervently.For those readers who are unfamiliar with Harry Potter, GET SOME SENSE! And read the following summary! Harry Potter is a young boy who lives with his cruel aunt and uncle, the Dursleys, all the while unknowing of the mysterious past that belongs to him. It isn't until his eleventh birthday that Harry finds out he's a wizard, and not only that, but he's famous in the wizarding world for his involuntary defeat of the greatest Dark wizard ever, Lord Voldemort, a wizard so terrible that even years after his defeat, wizards everywhere are afraid to say his name.
"It's not like it's difficult," Bill said, reading over Bri's shoulder. "Voldemort. See, it's easy!"
Oliver gaped at Bill for a moment. "You said You-Know-Who's name!" he whispered urgently.
Bill just gave Oliver an exasperated look. "Get over it, mate; HARRY says his name. You too chicken to do what an eleven-year-old kid'll do?"
Stung, Oliver gathered his courage and whispered, "Voldemort." Looking surprised, he grinned. "Hey, that was easy! Voldemort, Voldemort, Vol--" A feminine hand was suddenly slapped over his mouth, and he looked down into Bri's annoyed eyes.
"Do you mind?" she asked in a calm and dangerous tone.
Gulping, Oliver grinned weakly. "Uh... sorry."On his eleventh birthday, Harry is accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the most famous wizard school in all of Britain. With the help of new friends Ron Weasley and later, Hermione Granger, Harry soon discovers that strange doings are afoot in the cavernous halls of Hogwarts. After several encounters with various strange creatures, such as a three-headed dog christened Fluffy, centaurs, and a terrifying apparition in the Forbidden Forest, Harry and his friends discover that Voldemort, long thought to be dead, is in fact alive and determined to complete his earlier mission: To kill Harry Potter. A formless apparition, Voldemort must use another's body in order to gain possession of the article that will help him accomplish this, namely, the Sorcerer's Stone, a magical stone that gives the owner the Elixir of Life. Harry and his friends must navigate a magical maze of charms and spells in order to get to the Stone before Voldemort, which they finally manage after getting nearly killed in the process.
"Hey, you've left me out!" Oliver said indignantly, reading over Bri's shoulder.
Rubbing her forehead wearily with both hands, Bri turned to glare at him. "The character review is coming up, Oliver," she told him angrily. "And if you don't SHUT UP... I won't put you in it at all!"
"Oh..." Oliver said, retreating. Rolling his eyes, Hadji26 slapped Oliver upside the head with one hand. "Ow!" the bruised character complained, glaring at Hadji26.
"Get over yourself already!" Hadji26 ordered. In the midst of their glares, Bri somehow worked on oblivious.While it is certainly possible that this reviewer is a bit biased, having loved the books immensely, it can certainly be said that this movie embodied the very essence of the books. Director Chris Columbus made excellent use of the resources available to him, blending CGI into the film so perfectly it's hard to tell where one leaves off and the other begins. From Fluffy the three-headed dog, to the Quidditch scenes with broomsticks, Quaffles, Bludgers, and the Golden Snitch heading every which way, the action seems to never stop from the moment Harry arrives at Hogwarts. Columbus also felt much the same way about the cast as author J.K. Rowling did, and insisted on an entirely British cast for the movie. Quite frankly, this reviewer feels that his choices were superb.
"Finally!" Oliver said, rubbing his hands together with satisfaction.
Bri could only groan softly and send an appealing look to Bill, Jonny24, and Hadji26. They nodded, turned abruptly on a now-cringing Oliver, and stuffed him in a nearby closet. "Thank you!" Bri said, rubbing her temples with her fingertips.
"Are you going to leave him out now?" Bill requested.
"I would, but he does have a pretty big part. I've kinda got to mention him," Bri replied, groaning to herself yet again.The three young actors chosen for the main parts were particularly wonderful. Daniel Radcliffe captures Harry Potter's soulful insecurity and wonder to a tee. Rupert Grint embodies the mischievous Ron Weasley perfectly, and Emma Watson shines as know-it-all Hermione Granger. Adding to the excellent cast are Richard Harris as Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, Dame Maggie Smith as Professor Minerva McGonagall, Transfiguration teacher, and Alan Rickman as Professor Severus Snape, Potions master. The parts of Harry's classmates were chosen with equal care, from Tom Felton as Harry's nemesis Draco Malfoy, to Sean Biggerstaff as driven Gryffindor Quidditch captain Oliver Wood.
This reviewer suddenly heard a muffled cheer come from the direction of the closet which making her sigh regretfully. "Someone remind me why I kidnapped him?" she asked rhetorically.
"I honestly couldn't tell you," Jonny24 states, shaking his head with a small wry grin.
"That was rhetorical, Jonny," Bri glared, narrowing her eyes at him.If this reviewer had any problem with this movie, it was merely that the movie was not nearly long enough to do the book justice, despite weighing in at nearly two and a half hours long. Fans of the books everywhere have since been clamoring for Warner Bros. and Chris Columbus to release the 4+ hour long director's cut of the movie when it comes out on DVD and VHS in April of 2002. Fans can indicate their wishes to WB and Columbus at an online petition site located at http://www.PetitionOnline.com/hpdvd/petition.html
"Tell them to go sign it! The movie may not have me, but it's still good!" Bill urged Bri.
"Tell them it'll have more Quidditch if they sign!" Oliver screams.
"How did you get out of the closet?" Bri asked him with a thoroughly bewildered expression.
Oliver held up his wand. "Alohomora, of course," he said with a grin.
"How about you just tell them to sign it because otherwise they won't get the whole story?" Jonny24 suggested delicately while Hadji26 wrestled Oliver back into the closet. Believe me, it was not a pretty sight.
"How about I just end this now before you guys drive me any more crazy!" Bri shrieked, glaring at them all. "Jeez!"Before this reviewer is driven completely insane by her kidnapped characters, she merely has one more thing to say: WATCH THE MOVIE! Short or not, incomplete or not, the movie does follow the book very well, and in this reviewers opinion, should receive at least four stars out of a possible three from any decent reviewer.
"Is there such a thing as a decent reviewer?" Hadji26 questioned with eyebrow raised.
"How the heck should I know? It's not like I do this for a living!" Bri retorted.
With one last determined look, this excellent reviewer hit the appropiate button on her computer -- in a rather violent fashion -- to send the finished review to the editor, not realizing that the contraption had recorded all of the various bickering between herself and her characters. Turning on them, she got up, and dragged the four of them out of the room, kicking and screaming, admidst even more squabbling and finger-jabbing.The editor now notes that even if our other journalist thought it was hard for HIM when he had to write something, -- having to put up with this disgruntled editor, and all, -- but perhaps it is really nothing in comparison to what others have to put up with.
The editor goes on to note that maybe, just maybe, his 'persuation tactics' need to be improved.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
(Some material may have been edited or created due to
formatting, space demands, or other reasons.)No letters were received this week. At least, not when we only counted those which can be reproduced here without breaking censorship laws (not that we know them anyway).
EDITOR'S COLUMN
In his regular trip to the local Psycho-therapist, the editor learned that he suffers from (or is it enjoys?) Multiple Personality Syndrome.
Yes, folks, it is true. Sometimes he uses the title of "The KodeMaster" when he is coding or writing fanfics, "Za CodMeister" when he feels like going fishing, and still other times he merely goes by his real name when getting personal.
When he asked Ezekiel Rage what could be done about it, the self-confessed madman softly shook his head. "I'm sorry," he says, "but you'll have to get an agent, or else I'll have to kill at least one of you to remedy the situation."
When asked what type of agent, the grinning reply then came back of, "Preferably not a cleaning agent."
WEATHER REPORT
At last, our (somewhat hastily) re-hired meterologists finally determined earlier this week exactly why their predictions have been so inaccurate as of late.
It was pointed out to us hard-working journalists by them lazy meterologists that MLerville does not even have weather satellite in order to form a report FROM in the first place!
Alarmed at this horrific turn of events, local pub-goers fervently deny any knowledge of the reasons behind this and of the possibility of them crashing the LurkerLand Amusement Ride late last friday night.
In a press conference made the next day, the Editor admitted, "Yes, I know it stinks, but there's nothing we can do about it." He then adds with a grin, "Besides donning clothes-pegs."
Local laundromats are reported to be in outcry over this, firmedly protesting against such a statement and have stated that they shall turn on their machines with doors opened and flood the entire MLerville landscape if nothing is done soon.
Hearing of this, the editor now has assurred us journalists that we positively have nothing to fear about. Rather, we have something to fear of, instead.
Needless to say, the Grammer Checkers imbuilt into our computers died with flying colours when they encountered such a badly-structured sentence structure, and thereupon requested that we aquire a taller scaffold for the window-washer outside.
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH
Everyone at the ML Weekly News Building this week has voted -- albeit under threat-of-death coersion on the editor's behalf -- that this column is not required, at least for the duration of this issue.
As the results of the poll came in, our lazy editor then rose from his gas-lift chair to bow to our illustrious movie reviewer and shout brazenly, "Thank you, Bri! You have saved us from having to work!" and settles back into his seat before going to ask the nearest person where his desk that he rests his feet on was, then finding that there was no longer a chair beneath him as he impacts the floor soundly.
This journalist -- often at the wrong (or is that right?) end of a cattle prod -- has recently been informed by the editor that he should make up something for the funnies, or if not, that he had better find some, and quick.
Thus, five minutes after the due date -- we work on a different time plane here at the ML Weekly News Building, in case you haven't noticed -- this fortunate journalist was saved from being skewered by the Editor's trusty coersion implement when the said Movie Review came in.
As he spies through the closed slats present on the windows of the Editor's offices and sees two people talking animatedly with the editor, this journalist has now concluded that our glorious Editor must be receiving intimidation lessons from our security people, headed by none other than our resident I-1 Special Agent.
We are not game enough to mention her name, otherwise, in her eyes, we would BE game and would have to scoot around a forest all day and dodge flying bullets. Not a good idea, our staff concours.
So, for obvious reasons, just let it be known that this column WAS supposed to be blank this week before a certain someone got a bee in his bonnet and decided to type up all of this useless stuff, which you probably had already worked out by now, anyway.
