THE ML WEEKLY NEWS Saturday, December 1, 2001
Rated G Issue #006
Editor in-chief: The KodeMaster Journalist: David Hugo
Grammer Checker: Sah-Rae Hyjo Content Suggester: Micro Hue
HOT AIR RISING
Late last month, AusieWanaB revealed to fellow citizens of MLerville that everyone's favorite show will be back on air after a long period of time that almost feels like decades!
The show will start with "The Darkest Fathoms" from Monday, December 31, 2001, at 06:00 AM Eastern.
When asked what he thought about it, the President of MLernation uttered, "Huh? What show?" before it was pointed out that the vast majority of influential citizens hang out at MLerville whereupon he appended hastily, "Oh, THAT show! I like it!"
Meanwhile, the mayor of MLerville was unavailable for comment yesterday as he is currently undergoing treatment for stress from throwing too many parties with his left forearm. Sources tell us he has been advised by Ezekiel Rage -- the local Psycho-therapist -- to keep the parties limited to only four explorers each, and to visit the gym regularly.
This journalist now advises local balloonists to keep on the lookout for this show which is back on air. It has been known to be on a more grander scale than what may initially seem and, if MLerville is anything to go by, will be causing quite a few balls of gas to emerge from the woodwork of LurkerLand to create a whole heap of hot air.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
(Some material may have been edited or created due to
formatting, space demands, or other reasons.)Dear Editor,
Thank you for increasing our sales of SPF 15- sun-attracting sunscreen.
-- Sunscreen's 'R Us.
EDITOR'S COLUMN
Web Surveillance Agents currently resident at the ML Weekly Building discovered with horror late last week that this newspaper is in fact being posted at FanFiction.Net by an unknown entity and is no longer being restricted purely to citizens of MLerville.
What was so horrific about it was the ML Weekly News has now gone international without our knowledge.
When this journalist contacted the editor as he drove into work that day -- the editor is the only one who can afford an apartment while everyone else can only afford a desk -- and notified him of this recent development, the editor strongly yelled into the phone -- so much so this poor unappreciated journalist is now quite deaf in one ear -- that he was certainly going to put his foot down about this matter.
The sounds which immediately followed over the phoneline -- switched to the other ear -- were barely made out at the time to be that of a roaring engine, swearing, pieces of metal flying and glass shattering. The connection then dissolved into a rather abrupt hiss of static.
When our glorious Editor finally reached the Building for work that day, the editor's hair was, needless to say, not the least bit -- or rather, a whole heap bit -- messy. In a strange phenomenon, his cheeks seemed to be permanently lodged where his ears would normally be, revealing a shocking set of teeth that he proudly cleans annually. His ears are currently rumored to be somewhere in the ocean that isolates MLerville from the rest of MLernation. Strange parties dressed as bats, robins and other assorted creatures are said to be frantically looking for them before our cranky Editor cancels his subscription to their comics.
When asked by staff why their desks did not vibrate as usual from the rumble produced by our speed-demon-Editor's souped-up car when he came to within a mile of them, he was heard to respond testily, "What car?" before getting back to the reason of why he had arrived ten minutes later than usual and obviously puffed.
He wanted to know who was the mastermind behind this fraudulent act of posting something like this without his notification. Some of us thought of saying that he was notified of it two minutes ago, but decided that it was better to keep their mouths shut.
The KodeMaster's alter-ego, however, remains tight-lipped as to who posted the issues in-question.
The Editor did not waste time in assuring us, however, that he does not object to the newspaper's posting by an Archiver, but only questions the reasons behind anyone wanting to keep a copy of material that is, even from our viewpoint, obviously insane.
Staff currently concur.
He then paused before adding, "But don't quote me on that."
WEATHER REPORT
Due to the lack of weathermen at the ML Weekly News Building, this column is blank (or thereabouts) this week. No applications have currently been received, so if you were expecting to know what the weather is, you can just forget it.
CLASSIFIEDS
Attractive, aggressive woman seeks minions to follow her mindlessly and help carry out her plans for world domination. Automatic weapons provided. Compensation may-or-may-not include being allowed to bask in my presence. Room for advancement (from "minion" to "lackey"). Submit resume, 8x10 glossy shot and full-length photos to: The Ferret's Secret Lair, P.O. Box 93286520836, Bloomington, Indidana.
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH
"What does it do?" she asks curiously with a puzzled frown.
"It's a computer," he replies proudly.
"Yes, dear, but what does it do?"
"It ..er.. computes! It's a computer."
"What does it compute?"
"What? Er? Um.. Numbers! Yes, numbers!" He smiles worriedly.
"Why?"
"Why? Well ..um.. why?" He starts to sweat.
"I mean, is it just something to dust around, or does it actually do something useful?"
"Um... you can call other computers with it!" Hope lights up his eyes. "So you can get programs from other computers!"
"I see. Tell me, what do these programs do?"
"Do? I don't think I follo-"
"I see. They compute. Numbers. For no particular reason."
He withers under her gaze. "Yes, but-"
She smiles, and he cuts himself off, shoulders slumping in defeat. She takes another look at the thing. "However..." she muses thoughtfully, with a strange look in her eyes.
He looks up, an insane look of hope on his face as he waits on her with baited breath.
"Does it come in pink?"-- Source: Grant Smith, 27/06/1993, 9:35pm.
