A sobering experience. It’s time to wake up and smell the coffee or whatever the hell it is that’s brewing in the kitchen. I thought I wanted him to hate me, I thought my life would be a whole lot easier if he just left me alone to live my life without him. I thought I knew what I was doing. Thought I meant what I was saying. But I was so wrong.
As I was saying, I was shocked into sobriety. It wasn’t even an option. I never considered my situation and his until that stupid morning when I was drunk enough to hurt him. I wasn’t there, not technically at least. We are about 3000 miles apart and still we fought every single week. There’s rarely a conversation that goes by with us being civil and kind to each other. Actually, he’s always been. I thought I was.
I thought I wanted to get over him, but I don’t. I just want him to be in my life always. I thought that by getting over him, I’d be ok. That I’d find some kind of purpose and know where I’m going in life, what I’m trying to do. But I didn’t think that it would be the other way around. That by knowing first what I want to do and where I want to go, that I would be able to still keep him in my life, and at the same time, find some kind of purpose and direction.
He doesn’t deserve to have been treated the way I treated him. And yet, he hung around so much longer than anyone in my life. Any guy in my life. How could I have been so stupid. I pushed him to his limit that morning, and there was no way I could take back the things I said. No way at all. I’d never hurt anyone like I’d hurt him. And it feels shitty to the core. I never want to feel that way ever again. I swear.
I’m trying to take control of myself, not be a muse to whim and fancy. Now that I have that job that pays some real cash, I have to work hard to secure a more permanent position. Once I do so and I have more money, I’ll be able to go visit him. And prove to myself and to him that I can do it. All I needed was a scream in the ear to move my ass of my seat and get something done. To a small degree, I guess I’m grateful that what happened, happened. It jolted me awake. Seriously.
A song comes to mine. It’s been a close favourite since I heard it. ‘A moment like this, some people wait a lifetime. For a moment like this, some people wait forever.. I can’t believe its happening to me. Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this’. This is my moment. Perhaps my moment of realization, but I prefer to call it my sobering encounter. I never thought my actions would have such dire results. I never thought I’d hurt someone I love with the words I say. I never saw it till now. I really don’t know as much as I give myself credit for. A humbling moment as well.
