Know Your Role:
An Idiot's Guide to the RPG
You are caught
in a strange land full of intrigue and mystery; where you must interact with a
variety of eccentric people in order to learn how to survive as an entire
legion of darkness seemingly seeks to destroy only you, and a simple meal can
cost as much as $200.
Are you in
Japan? No, but you're close. Welcome to the world of the RPG, or Role Playing
Game. This genre of gaming is one of the best-selling, and is growing more
popular every day. But unfortunately some people get easily confused by the
different style of gameplay, and in their frustration give up on what is
possibly the best gameplay out there. I am referring, of course, to those of
you who never read the game manual. You know who you are. You idiots that go
out and buy the hottest games just because your friends have them, shred the
plastic wrap off in a caffeinated frenzy, throw them in your system, start
mashing buttons, then throw your controller at the screen when nothing
"cool" happens. THEN you have the nerve to call us up and blame us
for making you buy a "crappy" game and THEN we have to go over to
your house and show you how to actually play a VIDEO GAME like you're some type
of MORON* and we swear we think your from some other PLANET and we just want to
WRAP OUR FINGERS around your THROAT and THROTTLE you YOU STUPID, IGNORANT but
that's what this guide is all about. This guide will cover the basics of just
about every RPG out there so you don't have to subject your loved ones to any
emotional pain. So don your armor and lets enter the world of the Role Playing
Game. If you can read, that is.
(Note: This article will only cover
"console" role-playing games, not "pen and paper" role
playing games. But I'm sure they're great, too. In fact, why don't you bring
your date to your next game, and dress up like your character. Even if it's a
different gender. I'm sure your date will never forget it! Try to tape it and
send to me, if you can.)
It is safe to
say that RPGs would probably not be around if it weren't for a certain,
quadratically-shaped company. This is, as everyone should know, the company
that has made thrilling originals such as Final
Fantasy, Final Fantasy 2: Electric Boogaloo, Final Fantasy 3: The Evil People
Strike Back, Final Fantasy 4: The Finality Continues, Final Fantasy 5: The
Final Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy 6: No, Honest!, Final Fantasy 7: Okay, This
TIme it is the Last One, Final
Fantasy 8: So We Lied, but Not This Time, and the upcoming Final Fantasy 9: Cram it, This Baby's a Cash
Cow and We'll Never Give it Up!
We would owe
this company a sincere debt of gratitude, but they already own everything we
have. Thankfully, since most RPGs are
made by the same company, that means they mostly follow the same guidelines.
For instance, every RPG has essentially one or more of the following brands of
characters:
The Hero: The Hero is usually
the character with some some abnormal, special ability that makes them abnormal, special
people. They are usually accompanied by big, spiky hair and/or the most freakingly huge sword you have ever
seen.
The Wimpy Healer: While everyone
is in the midst of a heated battle, the Wimpy Healer is usualy off in the corner praying or
flailing feebly away with wimpy weapons like staffs or crossbows. The importance of the Wimpy
Healer should not be misjudged, however, for this character can heal and revive your party when
times are desperate, granted that he or she has not already been beaten up, kidnapped, killed, or
has a hangnail. The Hero and Wimpy Healer usually end up falling in love by the end of the game, get
married, and create a family of warriors... and one child that constantly receives "wet Willies" from
all the other fighting kids at school.
The Big Bruiser: The Big Bruiser
hits like a ton of bricks, and unfortunately has the IQ of them as well. They often want to rush
into danger because--and why not?--they're strong! They're confident! They're big! Male Bruisers have chests that can
stop bullets, while female Bruisers (and
please don't take offense to this) have chests that can stop just about
anything male.
The Genius: Solving problems,
creating helpful inventions, and finding cures for diseases are the creeds of the Genius. This would
garner the extreme love and respect from just about anyone, but the Genius unfortunately does these
things with the cockiness level of Gary Kasparov playing a
Commodore 64**. This is why no
one ever feels bad when one of their inventions blow up (and one of their inventions always blow up).
There are other,
rarer characters such as The Bad Guy Turned Good, The Good Guy Turned Bad, The
Bad Guy Turned Good and Then Bad Again, The Good Guy Turned Bad and Then Good
Again, The Guy Who is Just Sort of Confused on Whether to be Good or Bad, The
Guy Who Doesn't Really Care if He is Good or Bad as Long as He Gets His Money
but Ultimately Ends Up Good Anyway, and Some Animally-looking Person. Your
actual characters may vary, but what you do with them is the same: you save the
world from Evil. This is accomplished by starting with some Small Evil, then
working your way up to some Sub-Boss Evil, then a few Boss Evil, taking out a
few Side Evil along the way, then ultimately facing the Final Evil. Then the
Final Evil's second form. Then the Final Evil's mommy. Then finally, the IRS.
Why the world can't just get together and destroy Evil itself instead of hiding
in their homes while five or six*** brave/stupid people face it down on their
own is beyond me, but that's how it works. So, how do you defeat Evil? Just
walk around! There's bound to be some Evil out there, sitting around, bored out
of their minds because only five or six people in the entire world are looking
to fight with them.
"Phil?"
one Orc will say to the other.
"Yeah,
Ted?"
"So how are
Betty and the kids?"
"Oh,
they're doing wonderfully. Billy lost his first fang yesterday."
"That's
nice."
"Yeah."
"(sigh)
Yeah..."
Eventually you
will find some Evil and will be able to engage it in battle. Battle is the
"meat" of the RPG; the "action"; the moment you've been
waiting impatiently for so you can kick some butt! So naturally it starts with
you waiting for one of your characters to "get ready." I am not
exactly a fighting expert. In fact, I am genetically without a "fight or
flight" response, but instead a "flight or flight while
screaming" response. However, I would think that if I were traipsing^
about a land where every five seconds I was attacked by hideous, drooling
monstrosities of Evil that I would eventually learn to "be ready."
But obviously the characters in RPGs don't think this way. "Gee, we've
been surprised by zombies again! And
to think, of all places, in the Tomb of the Zombies. Guess I better find my
weapon." they calmly think to themselves, but luckily the Evil is so bored
that it takes them a while to begin fighting too.
"Ted?"
"Hm?"
"You know
those five or six people that are saving the world?"
"Yeah."
"I think
they're here."
"Really?"
"Isn't that
them?"
"Huh, I
guess so."
"Yes, that
is definitely a freakishly large sword that one guy is carrying."
"Okay,
guess it's time to punch in then."
"(sigh)
Yeah..."
Once one of your
characters are ready, you can usually attack one of two ways: weapons or magic.
Weapons come in a vareity of sizes and models, but the only one that's going to
be any use to you is the most expensive one you can find at that particular
time. You would think that swords are swords, but for some reason your average,
19.95 GP^^ slasher just doesn't cut people as well as the same 19.95 GP sword
that's been blessed by a family of Huvanian Swamp Trolls and now costs 275,000
GP^^^. But no matter what weapon you
use, your character, poised for attack, will suddenly rush toward the enemy and
SLASH! hit it once. Then they'll walk back. Things may be a little more
efficient if your character actually attacked the enemy until it died, but there's no "I" in
RPG, and everyone gets their turn in slaughtering the baddies.
Magic, as
opposed to weapons, is a much more strategical way to go. When your character
uses magic, he or she calls upon the elements, manipulating the very life
essence of the land for the cause of the party~. Certain characters will
already know some magic and can learn spells on their own, while others will
have to brush up on sorcery from a number of available, modern, self-help magic
books, such as:
Fire Magic and
List of Cooking Times
Ice Magic and
the Art of Sno-Cone Production
The Magic of
Wind: How to Give Everyone Else a Bad Hair Day
Shadow Magic
(Now With an Additional Feature on How to Attain Maniacal Poses and Laughs)
and the much
sought after:
Transformation
Magic: Cast Your Way to a Tighter Butt
Sometimes,
though, no matter how hard you try you can not avoid being damaged by Evil.
When your party is down, you should whip out your Whimpy Healer. But if he/she
has been incapacitated by a splinter, there are thankfully items you can find
to re-energie your party. In many cases this is Tonic, which last time I knew
was an alcoholic drink. But you can see how along with the other way to heal
your party, sleeping, this helps your party: It makes them forget about the
Evil for a while. That's right. There is no better way to feel better than by
ignoring that the fate of the world rests on your shoulders. So have a few
drinks. Get cozy! Throw up in Lake Serenity and sleep it off. Your characters
will be up early the next morning, ready to take on Evil all over again... as
soon as their headaches go away. By the way, the storage of your Tonics and
other items is a mystery. How anyone can lug so much junk around with them is
beyond me. Perhaps there is some sort of Martha Stewart Magic that organizes
items. I don't know.
There are
definitely many more things that you should know before setting out on your
quest, but I can't spoil all of the scary, life-threatening surprises for you!
Just remember, if you don't like any of the RPGs out there currently, you can
make your own on your computer with a program called RPG Maker. This way you can design a game that's more suitable to
your... er... skill level. Hello Kitty
RPG, maybe? Ha ha, I'm just kidding of course! If you have been able to
read through all of this, you are more than able to hold your own in any
mystical land. So go out there and begin your quest for Honor and Glory!
...
Um, Honor and Glory
are *that* way...
* which you ARE
**
LOAD"ROOK",8,1
RUN
***Or yes, 40+
for you Chrono Cross players out there. I hate you all, by the way, but in a
way that is probably pleasing to you.
^Who said
warriors couldn't traipse?
^^ 1 GP = about
250 smallish rocks
^^^plus 2 GP S+H
~Batteries not
included.
