Month Old Pizza Found in Suburban Home; Public Shocked -- US Government Unphased
7.24.01 - Ohio
Residents of a suburban Ohio household were shocked today to find an object so terrifying in their own home, that they had to flee the area for hours after the incident. At approximately 12:00 noon, Eastern Standard Time, an occupant of the household broke the seemingly positive facade being put on by the home's refrigeration system...one that rocked the very foundations of what we know about modern food preservation.
"Dude, did you know that there is month-old pizza in here?!? Sick!"
Sickening indeed...yes...sickening indeed.
The man who discovered this shocking object volunteered to allow the news staff atwww.crsdefiance.rocks.it to interview him.
"If I had known was was waiting for me inside that refrigerator, I would never have opened it. All I wanted was a snack man, that's all I wanted."
When asked to comment on his fleeing from the home, the discoverer commented:
"Dude...lighten up. I was just going to get a sandwich at Arby's. I wasn't fleeing."
Or perhaps that is what he would An amateur photograph of the pizza in question
like us here at www.crsdefiance.rocks.it to believe...
When our staff approached the owners of the home about the pizza in question, their first comments included, "We've been on vacation.", and "We just haven't thrown it out yet." Our news staff was ejected from the premises after asking to take pictures of the scene where the incident was said to occur.
"Papa John's", America's fastest growing pizza buisness had not yet responded to our inquiries by the publishing deadline, however we were able to ask Dr. Niles, a local scientist about the safety of such products.
"Well I know I wouldn't eat it if that is what you're asking."
With an evident safety concern present, we searched for every reason possible to clear the owner's, who are now being referred to by some as pizza aging specialists, from all accusations of attempting to make the younger members of their household ill. We began investigating alternative theories.
Some have speculated that this incident is the result of a demonic possession inside the home. Photographs leaked out from the kitchen indicate a supernatural physical altering of the slices, including not only the face of Satan on the slices, but also the number '666', more frequently known as the mark of the Beast, on what experts are now calling, "The Devil Pizza." Our staff contacted St. Ann's Chruch, a local roman catholic establishment, questioning the possibility of Satan manifesting himself in a slice of pepperoni and pineapple pizza. Father Nau responded: "What, this is some kind of a joke right? I don't think it could happen."
That amount of uncertainty fueled our doubts here at www.crsdefiance.rocks.it, so we continued our investigation of other possible causes of the happenings on July 24, 2001 in this quiet suburban community.
Researching the topic further, we found that other spontaneous pizza appearances have been happening throughout not only the midwestern United States, but the western regions as well. Below is a photograph of Yosemite National Park that was submitted to us from an anynomous source.
As one can plainly see, even in this most natural of settings, something just isn't quite right...and in this picture, it comes in the shape of what some say is a UFO, or unidentified flying object, flying over a mountain. As with any photograph in our news journal, we can not guarantee the 100% authenticity of any photograph submitted to us, however we have confirmed that the picture WAS taken at Yosemite National Park. The news staff here recently polled the public on
An alleged photograph of a pizza shaped UFO
what they thought of this photograph, and the results were mixed.
"That can't be real."
"Quoi de neuuuuuuuuuf!!!"
"A pizza shaped UFO? Right..."
"Geez...get a life and stop bothering me already."
"You see man, this is what the feds have been covering up since Roswell, man."
"I'm hungry for pizza again."
...All of these signs that perhaps something larger than any of us could have dreamed of is at work here. Neither SETI nor NASA would comment on this photograph or the questions it raised, meaning that the truth is a long way from being discovered. Whether the incident that took place happened due to human error, demonic possession, or being planted by beings of extraterrestial nature, one question remains in the minds of our staff...
Could this happen to you?
Analysts here agree that the answer is definitely yes. Whether you agree with one of the major theories that we have proposed here or not, your odds of having a "Close Encounter of the Antediluvian Kind" are roughly 1 in 10, although some speculate that this number is actually an underestimation. Our psychic friends have predicted that as global population increases, so will the number of old pizza sightings. Stay tuned...this journal has all but given up on getting to the bottom of the box...err..case.
