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..........Ahoy, dudes and dudettes. Your old pal Shadow has a confession to make. Ready? Okay, here goes -- I love Valentines Day. I mean, I REALLY love Valentines Day. Why, you ask? Could it be that the cookie loving assassin is in love? Well, yes, but this has nothing to do with my Simpson action figures. No, the reason I love Valentines Day so much is, with the exception of Taiwan's National Tomb-Sweeping Day on April 5th, it is the funniest holiday in the world. .......... I guess what I find most humorous about it are the miniature Romeo and Juliets running loose on the junior high scene, acting as though this is the biggest day of the year. Eons ago, when yours truly graced the halls of junior high, I recall the hordes of little girls, smacking their bubble gum as they parade the halls carrying 50 lbs of helium in the form of heart-shaped balloons. They would exchange information with their fellow girlfriends, not so much interested in what they got, just so long as it wasn't as nice as what they themselved received. The humor in all this? Come on, my friends, you know the punchline -- weeks later the relationship was over, finished, as dead as those back-of-a-truck roses. Tsk, tsk, they should've bought plastic. At least then one could quip, "I know the flowers are fake, but at least now they match my love for you." .......... But I shouldn't be so hard on the wee ones. We've all been there -- puppy love feels so strong when you've just hit puberty. Those hormones are raging beasts. So what excuse does the older crowd have? None! Yet we see it every year -- Valentines Day rolls around, and you're either into it, or you're writing anti-V-Day sentiments on the internet. What I don't understand are all the heart-shaped box of chocolates that line the stores. I have two problems with this -- number one, do you have any idea what the human heart looks like? These people aren't even close. Secondly, and forgive me for being so harsh with the language here (those who know me know I rarely use coarse language), but shouldn't these gifts be shaped to reflect what's REALLY on a guy's mind when he's buying sweets for the sweetheart? That's right, someone out there needs to start manufacturing vagina-shaped packages of candy. It gives a whole new meaning to the term "box of chocolates," eh? .......... So why do we do it, huh? Whether you like it or not, Valentines Day effects us all. Teen pregnancy increases, suicide rates go up (not to sound morbid, but at least we're keeping the balance there), and the only ones who really benefit in the long run are chocolate manufacturers, florists, and Hallmark. It's our need to "keep up with the Jones'," so to speak. We feel if we don't express our love when the calendar tells us to, our significant others will think less of us. Fight against this! Men, don't give her roses on February 14th; give her roses on April 1st, just to keep her guessing. And women, don't give him sexual favors on February 14th; give ME sexual favors on February 14th, just to keep him guessing. See you next time, my friends! .......... Shadow Tiembi |
