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My name is Shane MacDougall, and I'm a 34 year old stand-up comic living in New York City. I am a Canadian citizen, and ever since I was a child I have questioned the whole concept of a monarchy. In a supposed democracy such as Canada, it seemed odd that our head of state is an unelected foreigner.

As I grew older, the ludicrousness of the institution became even clearer. All the pro-monarchist arguments were at best, weak, and at worst, pathetic. Why do we spend large amounts of money to support an outdated institution that serves no real purpose? Why do we allow a family whose lineage is one of murderers, adulterers, thieves, religious intolerance, and inbreeders, to be our rulers (figurehead or not)?

So I decided that the time had come to launch a challenge to Canada's monarchy. In centuries past, monarchs have settled challenges to the throne through bloody wars and executions (apparently they favor that over elections and debate). But now that we are in the 21st century, we are a supposedly civilized people, so I decided to challenge the queen to a civilized way to settle the question:

I hereby challenge the Queen of England to either a kickboxing match or a math test (no geometry) for the crown of Canada. She can choose the type of match, and the location of the bout. She has until July 1, 2002 to face me in this competition. If, after that time, she has not accepted my challenge, Canadians can infer that she has forfeited the match, and I will be the effective new monarch of Canada.
Why Kickboxing or a Math Test?

To give the old biddy a fighting chance, I've picked two areas in which I am not strong. I have broken my right ankle twice (see X-ray), so I'm definitely at a disadvantage in a kickboxing match. I'm also not very good at math, as my university transcripts show, so she should be able to defeat me at that. As you can see, the deck is intentionally squarely stacked in her advantage. The question now is whether she feels Canada is worth fighting for.