Note... October 9th

everyday that i wake up i feel like i'm slipping into a suit. a cast of what i am... some... shell that's so empty and vacant it just drifts along. get up, get ready for school, go to school, sit through class, come home... that's it. it just keeps replaying. i feel like i'm not human anymore. i serve no purpose. but the only reason i'm alive is beacuse i don't want to cause more trouble by ending it. i don't want to let more people down. be a bigger burden. i want to feel something. for anything. i'm not gonna knock people for doing drugs anymore. at least they have something. something they care about. something that makes them feel god... even if it is fake and only for a little while. at least they have it. everything i really cared about, well, almost everything, is gone. it all turned into this... hole. more empty space. and to think about those things now, after they've been gone, just sends this dull ache through my mind. and it makes my eyes burn with tears that just refuse to fall anymore. when i wasn't sleeping... i don't know. the thoughts and the denied tears and the ache used to only come before bed, when i had time to think. so i avoided sleep. whether i was trying to or not. my mind just wouldn't let me sleep. and now that i'm so tired i feel that i could sleep forever (and would, given the chance) it's like it happens all the time. sitting in class my eyes jst glaze over and i can't concentrate on what i'm doing or where i am... just the thoughts in my head. not even that. more like the ghosts of thoughts that used to be in my head. the reminces of past ideas, plans, memories... things i just can't feel.. just numb. and i know i'm a rambling idiot. and i know that no matter how much i want them to that i don't think anyone will get this. how do you describe a pain so great.. yet.. you feel nothing? how do you say what hurts you the most is not what you are feeling. it's what you're not feeling? how can i logically explain that and carry my point across without sounding insane... dumb... impossible? how can i look at someone and tell them the reason i hurt myself on the outside is to try to prove to myself that i still feel on the inside?