All right, anyone who knows me already knows that from the time I was in diapers, California has been one of my major goals. I honestly cannot explain this. All I know is that from a very young age I have always had this pull in my gut drawing me there.
It's one of those things that's always messed with my head. Here I've always wanted to go there, and then I run into people from Cali who have actually asked me what part of Cali I'm from. They look so confused if I tell them I'm originally from here in good old Rhode Island. The one phrase I've heard the most out of Californians mouths has been, "Buddy, you don't belong here! You don't fit. You need to get to Cali--you fit there!"
Well duh. I knew I was having my gut feelings for SOME good reason. And it's true, I don't fit here. My whole life I've always been the outsider. No matter what levels of popularity I've managed to achieve, I still have always felt like this was not my home.
In high school, my main goal was to work my butt off and get scholarships into Californian schools. I knew I wouldn't be able to afford it otherwise. At first I thought fate was on my side when USF jumped at the chance to have me. They were so hard up to get me they actually accepted me two days after sending me copies of parts I had accidently left blank on my application--you know, like my SIGNATURE! Apparently they liked what they saw because they took me even without that signature. They even offered me $16,000 in scholarships.
The problem, of course, was that as an out of state resident I'd have to pay another sixteen grand a year. RIGHT! That was going to happen, you know, coming out of the projects with all that spare money we hid in the toilet and all.
So another young boy's dreams are squashed in a world of economical BS. It didn't matter that I worked my ass off every year before then, I'd still be stuck going to school in this little hellhole state--which I NEVER wanted to do.
But I digress.
As fate would have it, I recenly have been slapped with a tremendous amount of opportunuties all seeming to lead me to Cali. Now as I said, I've always had a gut instinct to go there and now that opportunity knocks, I'm-a-goin'. I strongly believe in instinct and fate and if everything points to one thing--you should focus your attention on attaining that one thing.
You'll see just how well California actually works into all my other life goals--even though Cali actually came first. At a very young age I discovered my immense passion for performing. It started simple. You know, walking into the room at five years old and displaying the most dramatic death scene--complete with final gurgling of life. (Of course, I still haven't recovered from the fact that after an hour of playing dead, my parents still didn't care.)
In grade school there was "A Christmas Carol" and one other run-of-the-mill grade school production. You don't know how big my head got over the fact other people's parents were coming up to me after the show telling me I was the best part of the performance. It was so invigirating to feel like the star and to know I had the ability to move people.
Then I get into high school and notice my growing adoration for writing. Now in Drama, I combined my more refined acting skills with my need to verbally create and went so far as to write, direct and star in my own twenty minute skit by senior year.
The problem with living in Rhode Island is that these are all wonderful skills to have, but it's damn near impossible to get into any of this because of location. In my lifetime I can think of maybe two movies that were ever filmed here, sorry, three: Outside Providence, Dumb and Dumber, and There's Something About Mary. You will note only Outside Providence actually cast a local in a relatively sizeable part. (I don't know your name, buddy, but you rule in every production you've been in at Trinity Rep!)
Anyway, now that California is actually becoming an option, I am able to come up with a life plan I can live with: Go to Cali. Work my ass off for a solid year and curse myself for jumping into this as I struggle. Go to auditions in the meantime and hope I can squash my fears of screwing up long enough to dazzle them. Work on second and third installments of Janie's story and find an agent. Declare in-state residency in Cali and go to school for just about FREE!! Study Teaching, combined with Creative Writing, Liberal Arts, Theatre.
I figure with a plan like this, I'm covered entirely. If I get somewhere through auditions in the meantime--GREAT! I'll collect my Oscar and die happy. If I get published--GREAT!! Enough people seem to think I will and I'll feel like I have a message worth hearing and die happy. If I study above courses, I have the more lucrative option of teaching English, Creative Writing, or Drama and feel like I can help to make a difference in young people's lives through knowledge--and die HAPPY.
I can also continue working on my writing in the meantime, and going to auditions if my lack of spine doesn't prevent me from doing so.
This is my main plan. (May be subject to change in certain areas.)
I think my main goal is just to stay busy and accomplish as much as possible. daredevils get their adrenaline rush from kissing death. Mine comes from delivering a message people WANT to hear.
Coming from poverty I know I want to at least live comfortably in my older years. I want to be able to travel (another reason teaching strikes my fancy--SUMMER VACATION!)
I also would like to donate portions of my revenues from my books or acting to charitable causes. I know I'd be lost with too much money and there are people out there who could have better use for the insane amounts of money than me. If I can work up to a ranch style house, a big yard, and food on my table, okay--and about $40,000 worth of electronics and entertainment equipment--I'll be happy.
All right, I'm done babbling about this now. I'll reorganize this page at some point in time. Until then--DEAL! Click below to go back to my contents page.
Back from whence you came!
