work off the subconscious. The difference is, Ms H was complimenting me (argh) and my mom was trying to enlighten me. And I need a lot of enlightenment, I guess. But I'm just too stupid to accept it.

And I don't care what people say. I'm not as smart as people think I am. Actually, no. I don't want to be as smart as I potentially can be. THEN AGAIN...it pisses me off to no extent when I realize, "Yeah, I could be as smart as so-and-so, but I'm being such a fuck-head that I end up shooting myself in the foot. Now I need new shoes, and I can't get those either because..."

At this point, I've been reduced to a walking complaint box. And it's all my fault, too. I have a tendency to gossip and blow things out of proportion. I don't know why anyone puts up with me anymore. Is it because they really have no choice? Ugh. People need to take the opportunity to choose when it arises.

Words to live by.

Oddly, I don't. And those are just four in a million. I disregard advice and whatever's good for me mainly because, hell, I can. I hate having this "all totally within my ability" shit. And it's no surprise I have relatively no problem with Communism. Sometimes I just want someone to tell me what to do, when to do it, how to do it, how to feel, when to feel it, etc. It just seems easier. And why not? I think most people (there are exceptions, of course) just want to be lead through life. There are days that even I, the undeniable control freak, would want nothing better than be dominated, really.

I knew it would lead to this at some point, so...it's almost a turn on, I guess. Giving up control to someone. It's a big step, one almost always a foolish path to take, but it's so much easier. Then comes the revolution, the day when the led think, "What the hell just happened?"

Who knows anymore. It's all just a bundle of confusion as far as I can see it, but then again, I'm not looking too far. I never do, so why start now...? Life's too short to wonder when the goodtimes will start again.